Jay Z… Mike O’ Brien
Beyonce… Sasheer Zamata
Kanye West… Jason Sudeikis
Nas… J.K. Simmons
[Starts with black and white video clips of the streets.]
Male voice: This is the story of the greatest rapper of all time. This is the definitive funny accurate biopic that is the final word on the subject. This is ‘The Jay Z Story’, with Mike O’ Brien as Jay Z.
[Cut to Jay Z at the cornor of the street selling drugs]
Jay Z: Cocaine? Cocaine for sale. Wanna buy some cocaine? Hello, walked by me.
[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah sitting on a chair]
Jay Pharoah: Hey, you seem a little down. What’s on your mind, man?
Jay Z: I think I might stop selling cocaine.
Jay Pharoah: And do what?
Jay Z: I think I want to be a rapper.
Jay Pharoah: Shawn, that’s an excellent idea.
Jay Z: I should head back to Marcy Projects.
Jay Pharoah: You know what trends around here? You should take the J or the Z.
Jay Z: You just gave me an idea about what my fake name could be, you son of a gun.
[Cut to Jay Z and Taran in the Label office.]
Taran: Look, I gotta be honest. I got a huge kick out of the Black album and people are buying millions of copies.
[Cut to Jay Z]
Jay Z: Ya, right! Are you messing with me?
[Cut to Jay Z and Taran]
Taran: No, I’m not Sha– Jay Z. You are great at rap.
Jay Z: This is insane! I can’t believe I’m great at rap.
[Beyonce walks in the office]
Beyonce: Oh, sorry. I’m early.
[Jay Z turns around and looks at Beyonce in slow motion.]
[Cut to Beyonce. Her hair is blown in slow motion. She smiles.]
[Cut to Jay Z. He stands up.]
Jay Z: I’m Shawn. Um, Jay Z.
[Cut to Beyonce]
Beyonce: I’m Beyonce from Destiny’s Child.
[Cut to Jay Z]
Jay Z: I know who you are. PS, you’re so pretty.
[Cut to video clips of Jay Z struggling in the streets.]
Male voice: A look at the Hard Knock Life of New York’s quirkiest rapper.
[Cut to video clips of Grammy’s and people recognizing Jay Z in the public. His pictures are on the front pages of the magazines.]
[Cut to Jay Z in a restaurant.]
Jay Z: You’ve been making some fantastic beats for me, Kanye.
[Cut to Kanye West. He’s also a white guy.]
Kanye West: Oh, thank you.
[Cut to Jay Z and Kanye West]
Jay Z: Ay, where do you see yourself in five years?
Kanye West: I wanna be a rapper. Like you.
Jay Z: I think that…[Kanye West looks nervous] It could be amazing!
Kanye West: Holy guacamole! Ah, man! You had me so nervous. I didn’t know how you would respond to that. I didn’t think you–
Jay Z: Kanye, look at me. Your brain works like no one I’ve ever met, truly.
Kanye West: Thanks.
Jay Z: What are we doing eating these huge salads. Let’s go practice rapping. Meet me in the studio.
Kanye West: Okay, see you there.
[Cut to Jay Z and Nas. Nas is also a white guy.]
Nas: Not so fast, you turd.
Jay Z: Oh, great, Nas. What do you want?
Nas: I want you to go to hell, Jay Z.
Jay Z: How about you kiss my butt, Nas?
Nas: I would, but I can’t tell which end is your butt.
Jay Z: I’ve crossed the line and you know it.
[Jay Z and Nas are fighting]
Time out! Time out! This is silly!
Nas: This is silly.
Jay Z: Buds?
Jay Z: See you now.
Nas: Bye Jay Z.
[Cut to Jay Z and Jay Pharoah walking in the streets.]
Jay Z: I wanna write a really great rap about New York.
Jay Pharoah: You know, that’s a great idea. You know, you should be like…
[rapping] I’m out that Brooklyn, now I’m down in Tribeca
Right next to De Niro, but I’ll be hood forever
Jay Z: Hi, hello. Can I talk please? It wouldn’t be like that. I mean, you’re my best friend but that sounded weird.
[Cut to clips of Jay Z walking in the streets]
Male voice: It’s raw. It’s greedy. It’s 100% accurate.
Jay Z: Uh, rapping. To a rapper like me, it’s topnotch. I’m Jay Z and this was my story.