Jean-Lawrence… Bowen Yang
Anne-Marie.. Kate McKinnon
Fred… Mikey Day
Awa-Sene… Issa Rae
[Starts with channel intro]
Male voice: You’re watching CBC, Canadian Broadcasting Corporation. At nine, it’s “Schitt’s Creek” followed by the Shitt’s Creek reboot “Schartt’s Cavern”. But right now, you’re watching “Bonjour Hi!”
[Cut to Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie in their set.]
Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Welcome to “Bonjour Hi”, the French Canadian morning news show live from Montreal, Montreal- the best parts of Canada and the worst parts of France. My name is Zoro Halls or John Larry. And as always, I’m joined by my beautiful cohost, Annagi.
Anne-Marie: Bonjour Jone.
Jean-Lawrence: Bonjour Hi. Now we do the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Anne-Marie: Well, I suffered an injury and I made love to a surf suley performer. I choke on the big scarf.
Jean-Lawrence: You’re always doing this.
Anne-Marie: Wait, but I went for surgery which was free, of course, and so is my new scarf.
Jean-Lawrence: Pretty. And today, we have with us our colleague from the south. He’s an American journalist quarantined in Canada because of covid, please welcome from Michigan, Jean-Fred.
Fred: Merci for having me. My name is actually Fred.
Jean-Lawrence: Go ahead, I said Jean-Fred.
Fred: No. Just Fred.
Jean-Lawrence: Please welcome Jean-Fred Desjardins.
Fred: Okay.
Jean-Lawrence: Let’s begin today’s update. Bar limits has proposed their controversial resolution for guaranteed universal basic income, but is this just an empty welfare promise? Anne-Marie, your update.
[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie speaking in foreign language]
Jean-Lawrence: Jean-Fred, your thoughts?
Fred: Yes, or no. I’m sorry, I don’t speak whatever French this is.
Jean-Lawrence: [speaking in bad accent] Now, this time for our weekly segment with our Toronto correspondent, Awa-Sene. Awa-Sene, bonjour hi.
Awa-Sene: Bonjour hi. I am Awa-Sene and this is Drake Watch.
Jean-Lawrence: Yes. Our favorite part of the show where we find out if you saw Drake.
Anne-Marie: So, Awa, did you see Barack today?
Awa-Sene: No. This has been Drake Watch.
Fred: I’m sorry. That’s it? That’s the whole segment?
Awa-Sene: Oh, well, I thought I saw Drake but it was just my friend Aten. Aten looks a lot like Drake. And I was confused because he was crying in a basketball court.
Anne-Marie: Did you check anywhere else for Drake?
Awa-Sene: Yes. I almost found him this morning when I saw a man in a wheelchair. But then I remember Drake was only in wheelchair for potential [unintelligible]. So, it was not him.
Anne-Marie: Okay. Merci, Awa. Please keep us post if you see Drake.
Awa-Sene: Of course. This has been Drake Watch. [looking around using binoculars] Yoo-hoo. Drake?
Jean-Lawrence: What an exciting segment. Jean-Fred, do you like Drake?
Fred: I don’t know. I mean, he has kind of fallen off recently. .
[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred]
Anne-Marie: Jean-Host, do not blow your guest, please.
Fred: How is this a news show?
Jean-Lawrence: And now it’s time for the traffic report.
Anne-Marie: Oh! [puts a cigarette in her mouth] Today I was driving to work in my Pugeot [unintelligible] bridge. I took a left on [unintelligible] and then I parked in [unintelligible] parking garage and traffic was bad.
Jean-Lawrence: Great traffic report.
Fred: You can smoke in the studio?
Jean-Lawrence: Oh, here another, we have a breaking news story and we must start right away.
[Cut back to Awa-Sene]
Awa-Sene: Bonjour Hi, I am at the top of the [unintelligible] tower with a dramatic development in the search for Drake.
Anne-Marie: Oh, Drake is there?
Awa-Sene: No, Drake is not here.
Fred: Then why are you there?
Awa-Sene: Oh, as you can see on the cover of his famous album ‘Views’, Drake [unintelligible] in this very location. So, I thought I should check. But [unintelligible]
Fred: And that’s breaking news?
[Jean-Lawrence starts shouting at Fred again]
Awa-Sene: It is okay. I will continue to follow the [unintelligible] of Drake. I am like famous Canadian actress Rachel McAdams in the film “Spotlight.”
Jean-Lawrence: Rachel McAdams, a beautiful girl.
Anne-Marie: Beautiful girl.
[music playing]
Jean-Lawrence: Ah! We are almost out of time. Thank you to Jean-Fred. Please accept our gift of famous Moguel big weird bagels.
Fred: Oh, okay. These are bagels? Why is everything 25% different here?
Anne-Marie: We say it taste better with the big hole.
Jean-Lawrence: Yes, lick the cream out of the big hole. Since I’m young, I eat the big while hole this wya.
Awa-Sene: Jean-Fred, stick your face, go down on the big hole.
[Fred licks the food]
Fred: I regret doing that on camera.
Jean-Lawrence: Well, it is time to say bye to “Bonjour Hi”. We’re set to go but–
[Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie walks front]
Jean-Lawrence and Anne-Marie: That’s the way it is.
[singing] Don’t give up on your faith
and that’s the way