Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro | Season 44 Episode 16

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Fox news personality judge Jeanine Pirro returned to television tonight after being suspended for two weeks after controversial comments about a Muslim congressman. Here to explain is Jeanine Pirro.

[Janine Pirro joins Colin Jost]

Jeanine Pirro: Evening Collin. I’m judge Jeanine Pirro. And it’s up to you to decide just what my whole deal is.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So you’re back on Fox.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s right! [Cut to Janine Pirro] This Mueller report completely exonerated the President, and, therefore, everybody on the Trump train. Whew, whew!  So, somebody at Fox news said my name into a bathroom mirror three times and here I am. And Colin, I just want to take this opportunity to say hi to my super fans out there. Mean horny men laying on in-home hospital beds and white prison gangs who control the remote on Saturdays. Thank you for watching.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You don’t have to shout. I can year you.

Jeanine Pirro: Can’t do, pal! Momma’s got one volume and it’s three chardonnays deep by the crowded party!

Colin Jost: So you really think that this report totally exonerates the president? Because the Attorney Ganeral’s letter made it sound a little murky.

Jeanine Pirro: It’s crystal clear! [Cut to Janine Pirro] No collusion, no obstruction. The report concludes that the President is 35-years-old and 175 pounds. He’s got the rugged good looks of Bradley Cooper and he smells like steak and complementary bathroom cologne. And he’s a USDA certified sex machine who can wack that ass from dusk until dawn.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I really don’t think it says that. Also, how can you be so sure about the Mueller Report when noone’s actually read it?

Jeanine Pirro: No one should read it, Colin. [Cut to Janine Pirro] That’s why tonight I’m asking Attorney General William Barr to tell the world that President Trump is innocent. And then burn that report for all of eternity. Just throw it into the temple of doom. And sorry, short round, you ain’t stopping Dr. Jones this time!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See, it’s that type of comment that maybe got you in trouble.

Jeanine Pirro: No, sorry, Colin, after this Mueller report, we in Trump nation can do anything we want.

Colin Jost: That’s right. Yes, I actually heard that Trump say this week he might completely close the border with Mexico.

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Wow, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Yes, great! Oh, [Cut to Janine Pirro] I just got so damn excited about Trump unleashing, wow mama, oh yeah! He’s getting rid of Jussie Smollett and he’s bringing back Roseanne! Yeah! She’s going to have her own show called ‘The Barrs’. It’s Roseanne and William Barr on the dirtiest couch you’ve ever seen. And they’re calling them like they see them and they’re taking all of the damn ambien they want! Period!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Again, I don’t think that’s happening but I don’t know if you heard, Trump did say he’s hoping to launch an investigation into both Obama and Hillary—

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone!

Jeanine Pirro: You’re under investigation next.

Tucker Carlson Cold Open | Season 44 Episode 11

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Wilbur Ross… Kate McKinnon

Roger Stone… Steve Martin

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight intro] [Cut to Tucker Carson in his news set]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening, everyone. I’m Tucker Carlson. I’m like if those shorts with the little whales on them came to life. Our top story tonight, president Trump’s heroic end to the shutdown. It took him 35 days, but he was finally able to get no wall. Meanwhile, as the democrats stall, the crisis at our border rages on. Here with her take is the host of justice with Judge Jeanine. Jeanine Pirro. Jeanine, how are you?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: A lot.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Jeanine, I’m going to smugly ask a question I already know the answer to. Warning towards viewers, my voice will get very high.

[Cut to Tucker Carson]

These democrats, do they want MS-13 invading their towns and tying up their hands and feet with duct tape?

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Sadly, the answer to that question is ‘Si Senor’. At this point Ms-13 is getting so brazen they’re promoting their own holiday in America. It’s called [Cut to ad banner of the holiday] ‘Sicario Day of the Soldado’.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Jeanine Pirro at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Wow. What is the president’s next step, Jeanine? And to show I’m really paying attention to you, I’m going to put my listening face. I call it dog looking in a mirror.

[Tucker Carson starts to stare at the camera like a dog]

Jeanine Pirro: Well, tucker, we have to take a Marie Kondo approach to cleaning up this country. If something doesn’t spark joy, throw it out. You know what doesn’t spark joy in me? Guatemalans.

Tucker Carlson: Terrific, let me ask you this, weren’t the furloughed government workers happy to go without pay because they believe in the president and the wall?

Jeanine Pirro: Definitely not, but absolutely yes. I spoke with dozens of TSA workers, and they said they were so honored to work for free. And then they did the universal gesture for jerking off. That’s how excited they were.

Tucker Carlson: Jeanine, you’re the best.

Jeanine Pirro: [Yelling] I know.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Of course, democrats are using the shutdown to portray the Trump administration as out of touch with every day Americans. But that’s simply ridiculous. Here to comment is Secretary of Commerce and Man of the People, Wilbur Ross.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross.]

Wilbur Ross: Where do I look? Do I look into the spaceship?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Wilbur Ross at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Now, Wilbur, earlier this week, you said that you didn’t understand why furloughed government workers needed food assistance, because they could just take ‘low-interest loans instead’?
Wilbur Ross: Right, well, that was silly of me. [Cut to Wilbur Ross] I simply meant that there are other ways of getting money. They could have liquidated some of their stocks, or sold one of their paintings. Even if they sold a lesser Picasso, it’s still going to get you through a week or two of yacht maintenance.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: I still think that comes across as insensitive to people living paycheck to paycheck.

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. All I meant was, that we all have to make sacrifices in times of hardship. For example, instead of going out to dinner, you could open a restaurant in your house. For a period of time, you could have your horses attend public school. The small things add up.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: You don’t think the Trump administration is out of step with the American people?

[Cut to Wilbur Ross]

Wilbur Ross: No, no. Look, maybe I do sleep in one of the cocoons from the movie “Cocoon”. That doesn’t mean I live in a bubble. I live in a cocoon.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: My thanks to Secretary Ross. Our final story this week, of course, is the dramatic, some would say ludicrous arrest of long time Trump associate Roger Stone. The man is 66 years old, frail, barely able to post shirtless photos of his jacked body. Clearly no threat to anyone. Yet this is how the FBI raided his home.

[Cut to video clips of FBI raiding from action movie Captain America- Civil War.] [Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Oh, my god, just horrifying. Here with his side of the story is a man you look at and instantly think, I trust this guy. Please welcome Roger Stone.

[Cut to Roger Stone] [Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Roger Stone: What a fun couple of days. I’m loving the ride, go Nixon.

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone. You had a harrowing past 36 hours, your home was raided, you were arrested and charged with seven felony accounts. Including lying to congress.

Roger Stone: That was four counts.

Tucker Carlson: The indictment says seven.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Okay, I’m lying. Honestly, I think I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I mean, seven felonies, one, two – I can’t even count that high. How cool is that?

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Mr. Stone, what I think you’re really trying to say is that you’re feeble old man right?

Roger Stone: Yeah, right, the pity thing. I’m a poor helpless old man, I’m 66. I’m almost so old as sting.

Tucker Carlson: And that’s why it was so awful the way the police raided your home.

Roger Stone: Exactly. The whole experience was so harrowing. [Cut to Roger Stone] And afterwards I could only manage one radio interview. And a speech from the steps of the courthouse and two appearances on television. It’s horrible.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: And you – and haven’t these ridiculous accusations made you poverty stricken as well?

Roger Stone: Oh, yeah, that’s right. I’m broke from my legal battles and now no one will buy my books.

Tucker Carlson: Why will no one buy your books?

Roger Stone: Because they’re bad.

Tucker Carlson: Just tell people how they can donate money to help you.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: I’ve set up a donation page based on phrase people have been yelling at me called “hey, roger, go fund yourself”.

[Cut to split screen. Tucker Carson at the left and Roger Stone at the right]

Tucker Carlson: Thank you for your time Mr. Stone.

Roger Stone: Pardon me?

Tucker Carlson:  I said, thank you.

Roger Stone: Oh, no. That wasn’t a question, I was saying that to the president. Pardon me.

[Cut to Tucker Carlson]

Tucker Carlson: Well, I’m sure he appreciates your loyalty and your eccentricities.

[Cut to Roger Stone]

Roger Stone: Hey, I’m just a normal and straight forward guy. And live from New York. It’s Saturday Night.