Tag: Jeanine Pirro

Fox and Friends Cold Open

Steve Doocy… Alex Moffat

Brian Kilmeade… Mikey Day

Ainsley Earhardt… Heidi Gardner

Clarence Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Jenny Thomas… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: You’re watching Fox and Friends.

[Cut to the show set. Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt are sitting on a show couch.]

Steve Doocy: Good morning, Vietnam. Ha-ha. Welcome to Fox and Friends. That’s Brian kill me.

Brian Kilmeade: Hello.

Steve Doocy: The Ainsley ear and heart.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, y’all are gonna kill me with these jokes.

Steve Doocy: And I’m Steve Doocy here on this gorgeous 30 degree spring New York morning. What a hell hole of a city. Ha-ha-ha. Brian, how was the weekend?

Brian Kilmeade: Oh, very exciting, Steve. I got on True Srocial.

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh, President Trump’s exclusive new social media platform?

Steve Doocy: Yeah? Fancy. What’s it like?

Brian Kilmeade: You know, it’s funny. I downloaded the app, opened it in my phone immediately got very, very hot. Like over 140 degrees.

Steve Doocy: Wow, just from the app?

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, burned my son actually. Anyway, True Social, five stars.

Ainsley Earhardt: Okay, guys. Speaking of truth, all right, crush of the week, Ted Cruz, absolutely wiped the floor with Ketanji Brown Jackson last week by waving a children’s book at her.

Steve Doocy: So powerfully.

Brian Kilmeade: Fatality.

Steve Doocy: I’m sorry, Miss Jackson, but I am foe the First Amendment.

Ainsley Earhardt: All right, here to talk about that and the Supreme Court are two friends of ours handling their own little controversy this week, Justice Clarence and Jenny Thomas.

[Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas walk in and take seats]

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha. Alright.

Jenny Thomas: Hello, friends.

Ainsley Earhardt: Well, first off, honorable Justice Thomas, you were just in the hospital? Is that right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. That’s what they say.

Ainsley Earhardt: Yeah? So what’s going on? You feeling okay?

Clarence Thomas: I guess we’ll see.

Steve Doocy: Yeah, for saying you had COVID, but not true, right. Justice T?

Clarence Thomas: Oh, anything is possible.

Brian Kilmeade: Justice Thomas always playing close to the vest. I respect that. Now, Jenny, the left is currently losing their minds over a couple of completely normal texts you sent to your pal Mark Meadows on January Jeanine Pirro, is that right?

Jenny Thomas: It sure is.

Steve Doocy: And now they want the honorable justice to recuse himself. I mean, you’re allowed to speak your mind.

Jenny Thomas: Yes. And I don’t want any trouble. I take my duty as the Yoko Ono of the Supreme Court very seriously. All I want is a tidal wave of biblical vengeance to wash away the Biden crime family all the way to get well, and then we release the kraken.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, well, that is terrific.

Steve Doocy: Uh-huh. Justice Thomas, she doesn’t talk to you about this stuff though, right?

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Some say yes, some say no.

Steve Doocy: Well, Justice T, it’s so great to have someone here who isn’t afraid to tell us what he really thinks.

Clarence Thomas: Who?

Steve Doocy: Well, you of course, sir.

Clarence Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. You’re crazy, man.

Ainsley Earhardt: Alright. Great. Well, thank you both so much. Now later this afternoon on Fox, it’s The Five, let’s check in with co-host judge Jeanine Pirro to see what’s in store.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Hello, my only friends. Later on The Five, Disney has an exciting new project, turning your kindergartner gay. Last week, Governor DeSantis signed a bill protecting our precious Florida schools from America’s dangerous Ellen’s and Caitlin’s. By the way, Caitlyn Jenner, welcome to the Fox News family. Now, well, Disney won’t stop until all of Disney World is packed with twinkerbells, Cinder fellas and that gay Mr. Toad.

Then representative Madison Cawthorn. Oh, Madison, you had me at white supremacy. You lost me at arching. And Kyle Rittenhouse to abuse his new cookbook, coming up on The Five.

[Cut back to the show set. Clarence Thomas and Jenny Thomas have left.]

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much. Judge. That sounds terrific as always.

Jeanine Pirro: You bet. [Opens up a can of beer and drinks] Salut.

[Cut back to the show set]

Brian Kilmeade: Yeah, love that. Now this is exciting. I’m hearing we actually have a surprise on the line. Am I correct?

Ainsley Earhardt: Oh-oh. Is he here? Hello? Mr. President. Are you on FaceTime?

Donald Trump: If you build it, I will come. Hello, friends. Can you see me?

Steve Doocy: Mr. President? Wow, what a treat. Thanks for fitting us into your busy schedule.

Donald Trump: Oh very busy, Steve, here at Mar-a-Lago with the golf for the wedding receptions and getting gloves of bacon with dogs at breakfast bar.

Brian Kilmeade: Well, so much to discuss but I gotta ask sir, Did you see the famous slap?

Donald Trump: You know, I did see slap. I enjoyed slap. I was very impressed by Hitch. Quite an arm on Hitch. I always knew Hitch had an arm. Back in pursuit of happiness, he’s lugging the machine on and off the subway. I thought it was great. They slept in the bathroom in that movie. It’s so sad. It’s so sad. But it’s a sad day for Hitch too. It’s a very sad. That kind of behavior is not gonna help Kevin James get a date with [gibberish]

Brian Kilmeade: Absolutely, Amen to that sir.

Ainsley Earhardt: Now sir, the January sixth committee hearing is gearing up to make all sorts of claims. So let’s just put this to rest. Did you commit a coup, sir?

Donald Trump: No, no. You know what? There was no coup. It was an event, perhaps a take back event a coup perhaps. But I don’t like coup. I just don’t like coup. I don’t like the P at the end of coup. I think you should take that P and push it. Well, pushing P. Of course if you take off P from coup, you have cow which goes moo, which you know perhaps that’s where they get coup. But Doo-ku-who-do? You do. Do what? Remind me of the bay. But yes, in many ways it wasn’t intentional planned coup. Yes.

Ainsley Earhardt: Right. Okay.

Steve Doocy: But they’re saying there’s this seven hour gap and Whitehouse call logs that day. I mean, you didn’t use a burner phone, did you sir?

Donald Trump: No, not true. Never use burner phone except for perhaps January 6 during that seven. I couldn’t even tell you what a burner phone looks like. Honestly, I was too busy with phone call and burner phone and coup.

Brian Kilmeade: Okay, gotcha. But let’s be real sir. The left wants to paint January 6 as some violent revolution. It wasn’t.

Donald Trump: Could have been, should have been, maybe. Violent is perhaps. They used to do violent all the time. You line up the opponents, you go bang-bang-bang, shoot them dead. So easy. So many problems. So many problems. You shoot them dead with a big fat beautiful uncircumcised gun. Now that’s what I call a coup. Hey, by the way, did you hear this? I got it all in one? Did anybody hear that?

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Yes! Yes!

Ainsley Earhardt: Congrats sir. Please tell us about it.

Donald Trump: You know I’d love to, but my phone is getting very, very hot to the touch right now?

Brian Kilmeade: You’ve got True Social, sir.

Donald Trump: Yes indeed. True Social, the only app with a smell.

Steve Doocy: Well, thank you so much, sir. We’ll be right back. And…

Steve Doocy, Brian Kilmeade and Ainsley Earhardt: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Jeanine Pirro Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Bruce Schroeder… Mikey Day

Sandara Cummings… Chloe Fineman

Samuel Fields… Chris Redd

Kevin McCarthy… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set.]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening, I’m Judge Jeanine Pirro. And if anyone watching is wearing a hearing aid, sorry, you’re dead now. On top Story, Kyle Rittenhouse was acquitted of all charges. That lovable scamp was put through a nightmare of a trial just for doing the bravest thing any American can do, protecting an empty use car lot in someone else’s town. Now, on to our first guest. He’s as impartial as a dance mom clapping harder than anyone. Please welcome Judge Bruce Schroeder.

Bruce Schroeder: Thank you. Thank you. It’s a pleasure to be here with a fellow judge.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, well, thank you for acknowledging my expertise. You may remember that I was in charge of investigating Robert Durst for murder back in 83. Wow, folks, 30 years and one additional murder later we got him. Now, if I may say judge to judge, what turned me on the most was how you ruled that courtroom with an iron fist. Tell us how you did it.

Bruce Schroeder: Well, it was all standard procedure. That’s why I ordered that the prosecution not use the word victims. They were rioters and they weren’t shocked. They were gadoinked! But that did not give my client an unfair advantage in any way.

Jeanine Pirro: You said my client. Do you mean the defendant?

Bruce Schroeder: Oh, yeah, sure. I keep doing it.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, you do you, judge. You do you. Thanks for coming. Predictably, the loony liberal outrage machines in overdrive. And you know how much we love liberal tears around here. So, I decided to invite two of them here tonight. Please welcome legal analysts for nasty NPR, Sandra Cummings, and Professor of Law at Howard University, Samuel fields. Welcome to the show.

Sandara Cummings: We were told you invited us in the interest of fairness.

Jeanine Pirro: And you fell for it. That’s our new dumb dumb. Sandra, were you surprised by yesterday’s verdict?

Sandara Cummings: Surprised that he was exonerated on all charges? That’s putting it mildly. I was shocked.

Samuel Fields: You were? Because I wasn’t.

Sandara Cummings: I’ve never seen anything like it before.

Samuel Fields: I have. Many, many times.

Sandara Cummings: I mean, this is not who we are.

Samuel Fields: I feel like it kinda is though.

Sandara Cummings: And all this does is send the message that any American can just prowl the streets with an AK-47.

Samuel Fields: Any American? I think you’re missing a keyword there.

Sandara Cummings: All we can hope for is that at this point is that this will be a call to finally change the system.

Samuel Fields: And that call will go right to voicemail and the mailbox is full.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Very interesting. Well, your segments’ over and my mug is empty. [the mug has ‘Liberal Tears’ written on it] So, you gotta go. Now on a more inspiring note, Kevin McCarthy rocked the house down with his awe inspiring eight hour tirade against the build back better bill, demonstrating why the filibuster is vital to our democracy. Let’s take a look at our six of his rhetorical masterpiece.

[Cut to Kevin McCarthy speaking]

Kevin McCarthy: The Democrats are trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls] Excuse me. Democrats trying to flip this thing around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again. Excuse me. Flip it around. [does the bottle flip but the bottle falls again] Okay. I could do it before.

Jeanine Pirro: And that brave man stops the build back better bill from being passed u…ntil the next day when it passed in two minutes. Meanwhile, what was President Brandon doing? Getting socialized Buck play paid for by your tax dollars. Now Democrats are praising passed out Joe for his big deal infrastructure bill. But where’s the thanks for the real Muchacho who got this done? Please welcome [pointing at herself] this people’s sexiest man alive, President Donald J. Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you very much, Jadice. Wonderful to be here.

Jeanine Pirro Now, I know you have a lot of thoughts on the infrastructure bill. So, if it’s okay, I’m just gonna let you riff while I sit here and get absolutely rock hard.

Donald Trump: Well, you know, I’m glad you brought up that terrible bill because the truth is nobody did more for infrastructure than me. And meople are saying…  and you know what? Meple of course are people who are me. They’re saying I built it back even… You know what? I think even a little bit better because I did wall, okay? Big, beautiful wall. It’s not just well, because when you put wall down through a grassy field, frankly, that’s road. And if you take wall and lay it across the river frankly, Jeanie, we’re doing bridge.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. I imagining.

Donald Trump: You know what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock, please? Because this bill is… You know what? Sleepy Joe Biden is such a disaster. We’re coming back. We’re coming back in 2024. We’re doing the reboot, okay? Everyone loves reboots. People loved it before. They’re gonna like it again. Okay. Just like iCarly. Just like iCarly. But not all reboots are good. Okay, Joe Biden tried to reboot Obama and it flopped. Okay? It flopped really bad just like the female Ghostbusters. Speaking of Girl, why did that– Why did they reboot Gossip Girl? Why the hell? You simply can’t match. You cannot match the electricity of Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf.  You know, there were times when Blair was a bad friend to Serena and sometimes… You know what? This was true. Sometimes Serena was the bad friend of Blair.

Jeanine Pirro: [crushing over Donald Trump] Oh, oh, I hope this never ends.

Donald Trump: Alright. Can I get 60 More seconds? You know what? Why don’t we try a word search this time. Can we make it word search? I’d love it if it was word search. And you know what? I was treated very unfairly by Chris Christie. He was very nasty and he said very nasty things about me on Bill Maher. And you know what? Boy Chris? I mean, we love him. He’s a wonderful person. But you know what? We don’t like him very much. I think we hate him. And you know? Boy, Chris wasn’t even the main interview. He had to sit on the panel with all the other dogs and watch bill do the new rules. And you know what? Speaking of new rules, Dua Lipa is one of our best. Frankly, in terms of singer you can’t do better than Dua Lipa. But you know what? Her husband, who is not very attractive. You know what? It’s terrible what they’re doing with Dua Lipa’s husband not being attractive. We have to do something about it. She’s tall. She’s Albanian which is basically white. And you know who else is white? Bob the Builder. BUILD THE WALL Trump 2024.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, we found all the words. And that’s BINGO baby. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night. ladies and gentlemen thank you very much.

 

Aaron Rodgers Trump Cold Open

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Aaron Rodgers… Pete Davidson

Glenn Youngkin… Alex Moffat

Helen Stevens… Heidi Gardner

Donald Trump… James Austin Johnson

[Starts with show intro] [Cut to Jeanine Pirro in her set]

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening. I’m Jeanine Pirro and you’re watching Justice Judge with Judge Justicic Judge. Tonight’s top story, is the president dead? Politically, yes. Otherwise, I’m told he’s fine. But first, the vaccine gets stop polls at it again. Men jetting their sticking nickies on Fauci ouchies, until all of us yell “Hail Biden”. And join there’s zombie army of the vaxxed. Our first guest is an American brave enough to stand up and say, “Screw you, science, I know Joe Rogan!” Please welcome, NFL MVP, Aaron Rodgers.

Aaron Rodgers: Hello. Hey, Jeanine. It’s great to be here. Remember when I hosted Jeopardy?

Jeanine Pirro: Now Aaron, you’re not vaccinated. So what? Who the hell cares? Your body, your choice. And please, never use that quote for any other issues.

Aaron Rodgers: Exactly, Jeanine. It’s my body and my covid. I can give it to whoever I want. But suddenly the woke mob is coming after me. It’s gotten so bad that state farm called and they’re not offering me the Rogers spray.

Jeanine Pirro: And straight talk, Aaron, because I never talk gay. Did you ever lie about being vaccinated?

Aaron Rodgers: I never lied. I took all my teammates into a huddle, got all their faces three inches away from my wet mouth and told them, “Trust me. I’m more or less immunized.” Go team.

Jeanine Pirro: And you said you didn’t get the vaccine because it might make you sterile, which is so insane, I’m jealous I didn’t say it.

Aaron Rodgers: Ay, look, people can talk all they want. But at the end of the day, my record is still 7-1. Meaning of the eight people I’ve infected, seven are fine.

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Call this guy the bottom of the snapple cap because he got vaxxed. Thank you, Aaron. My next guest, turned Virginia as red as my face, gets when I talk about nearly any subject, please welcome governor elect Glenn Youngkin.

Glenn Youngkin: Judge Jeanine, thank you for having me. My win in Virginia proves that people are deeply concerned about education.

Jeanine Pirro: And who are most of your voters?

Glenn Youngkin: People who didn’t go to college.

Jeanine Pirro: Excellent. Now, critical race theory is something that you talked about a lot. What is critical race theory?

Glenn Youngkin: Simple. It’s what got me elected.

Jeanine Pirro: Right. But what is it?

Glenn Youngkin: It’s not important. What’s important is parents. Everyone knows they should run schools. That’s why I invited the leader of my parental task force to share her recommendations on dangerous material that should be banned.

Helen Stevens: Hello, Judge Jeanine. I’m a huge fan of your Judging and your talking.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, I like this one already. Helen, what are your feelings on education?

Helen Stevens: When my son brought home the book “Beloved” by Tony Morrison, I put down my copy of “50 shades” and said, “No!” A woman named Tony? Not my America. So, a group of parents and I put together our list of books that should never be allowed in the classroom. “Holes” sounds sexual. “Pride and Prejudice”. Prejudice is fine. But Pride is a term that has been coopted by the gays for some sort of Lady Gaga themed nudity parade. “Invisible man”. What’s he doing? Where is he? Cane you see me in my home? Or what I google? “The Great Gatsby”. Too much jazz. “Moby Dick”. That one’s toss-up. Title is dirty. Love that the whale is white.

Jeanine Pirro: Get him to sea world stat.

Glenn Youngkin: Yeah. See, I’m so grateful that parents like Helen who helped me win in Virginia without the help of Donald Trump.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, funny you should mention it. Because he’s been watching and he just asked us to join us. Former and basically current president of the United States, Donald Trump.

Donald Trump: Thank you. Thank you so much. Yes. I just wanted to congratulate Glenn Youngkin and mostly myself on our tremendous victory at Virginia. You know what? We did it together.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you don’t have to say that.

Jeanine Pirro: Mr. President, what an unexpected and frankly horny surprise. Oh mama.

Donald Trump: Oh, it’s great to be here. It’s great to be here judge Judy and it’s great to be frankly winning again. We love to win it. You know what? You’ll get to see a lot more winning where that came from. Let me tell you. You’re gonna see it a lot.

Glenn Youngkin: Oh, you’re gonna take me off the split screen.

Donald Trump: No, we do this together, Glenn. We did it so good, okay? I really want you to stay.

Glenn Youngkin: Really, that’s okay.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. Excuse me. Everybody comes to listen it. You know what? Like you just saw it, I listened, okay? I mean, when you look at it, he’s someone that takes advice so well. I mean, you now what? Can I get 60 seconds on the clock please? Because theres a lot of times when I was giving advice. Lot of times, I was giving advice and people weren’t listening and it didn’t work out so great for some of those people. I mean, when you look back with StarWars, I said, “You ned to do it with swords. The lasers are not enough. You got enough real swords, George.” I remember talking. I said this to George. I said, “If you’re gonna do StarWars, okay, you have to have real swords.” And look at what they’re doing with Dune. Look at what they’re doing with Dune. I talked to Denis Villeneuve. I said– You know what? Look at the success of Dune. Look at Chalamet, okay? Real swords. Frankly with Dune, you got Momoa and everyone’s doing flips and it’s very “Game of Thrones”. And people were very disappointed with “Game of Thrones”, you know, how it ended and everything. But with Dune, I think you got a lot of possibility with Dune. I see a lot of possibility. Two, three, four, 15 movies. And frankly, I see a lot of possibility with Virginia.

Jeanine Pirro: God, you are impressive. How do you keep that all in your brain?

Donald Trump: Well, I had my ears sealed, so nothing comes in or out.

Jeanine Pirro: And now, Mr. President, you never actually campaigned with Glenn Youngkin, did you?

Donald Trump: Well, no. I never did– Glenn. Glenn! Glenn! Don’t you dare. Don’t go anywhere. Don’t you dare, Glenn. You need to hear this. You know, I was never there there with Glenn. You know, there there. I was never there there. But I told lots of people they should vote for Glenn, okay? And you know what? Most people don’t like Glenn. But he’s a wonderful guy, okay? Most people don’t like him but he’s a wonderful guy. Okay? Tall, rich, like my sons. Glenn, you’re like my son.

Glenn Youngkin: Please don’t say that.

Donald Trump: Well, you know what? Glen is a wonderful guy but these PC folks, oh my god. They don’t like him. They don’t like him at all. You know what? Can I get 60 more seconds please? These PC folks, they don’t like everything. These PC folks you can’t please them at all. They don’t even like Chris Pratt as Mario. And you know what? I’m very close with Mario, very close with Luigi. Our wives play golf together. They play Mario golf together. And peach is a very close friend of mine. Peach is added on but Peach is so great. And with the Toads by the way, I do great with the Toads. I do great. You know, the mushroom people? The Toad people? A lot of em’ came out in the last election. And the Toads love Chris Pratt. Toads love Chris Pratt. And his Mario is gonna do a lot better than that awful Eternals movie. I tell you that, it’s a lot better than Eternals. You know what? With Eternals, it was too diverse. It was too diverse and no one wants to see that. The movie is rotten. Just ask the tomatoes. Just ask the tomatoes, it’s rotten. And you can’t even get tomatoes anymore because of this awful shipping nightmare that we’ve got with slow Joe Biden. And you know what? This is true. Glenn, excuse me. Glenn, excuse me. This is true. You know what? Guy came up to me the other day. Big guy, bigger than anything. Tears in his eyes, and he says, “Sir, many name is Santa Claus and Christmas is cancelled. Christmas is cancelled, sir.” And I said, “We’re not gonna let that happen, Santa.” And that’s why I asked him to give Virginia to Glenn Youngkin. I asked him to do that. We did it. We did it together because it’s a great country. Santa did it because he loves America, and he loves Trump. Right Glenn?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow, Mr. President. You’re a genius, a patriot, one handsome mountain of a man. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update- Jeanine Pirro on the Mexico–United States Border

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: And now, as a last special treat, here to give her parting thoughts tonight is judge Jeanine Pirro.

[Jeanine Pirro slides in with a glass of wine in her hand]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Judge Jeanine, I have not seen you in a while.

Jeanine Pirro: [spilling a little wine on Colin Jost every time she talks] Oh, I’m still here. My show on Fox is on every Saturday at nine, a full hour before the nursing homes turn off the TV in the lobby. But I did take some time off recently. I went down to the most luxurious place on earth, Mar-A-Lago. Oh, it’s like being on a cruise ship that’s permanently docked in the hottest part of Florida in between two classy strip clubs, you know, where the gals wear ball gowns. There’s an endless buffet of rubbery shrimp and the air smells like a bathroom stall that’s been freshly sprayed with poopouri.

Colin Jost: That sounds wonderful, but you really don’t have to be so loud.

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, go ahead and judge me, Colin. But I’m proud to be a small town girl who grew up on an airport turmac.

Colin Jost: I’m assuming you’re not very happy with the job that president Biden is doing.

Jeanine Pirro: He’s a disaster! Have you seen the border? If Joe Biden had his way, we’d let everyone in from El Chapo to Del Taco.

Colin Jost: I’m not sure that’s true.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I am. And now they want to put Kamala Harris in charge of the border. Sorry, Kama-lama-ding-dong. Not on my watch.

Colin Jost: That seems a little racist.

Jeanine Pirro: A little racist? Have you been listening to me? Colin, even as I watch our beautiful country get over run by a gang of MS-Colin Jost3 angriest Mexican lesbians, I’m still standing strong. Because I always did it my way. Hold that Colin. [passes the wine glass to Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Sure.

[music playing]

Jeanine Pirro: [singing] Now, the end is near
and so I face the final curtain

Sorry, Colin.

[singing] Friends, I’ll say it clear, 

I made my case of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full

Bring in my other wine.

I traveled each and every highway.

[someone brings in a giant glass container full of wine with a giant straw]

And more, much more than this,
I did it my way

[Jeanine Pirro gets into the giant container of wine]
[Jeanine Pirro fills her empty glass, and swinging her hand to the music, throws the wine on Colin Jost.]

I did it my way
I did it my way

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Home Edition- Jeanine Pirro on Coronavirus Lockdown Protests

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his home.]

Colin Jost: Protests against the lockdowns have continued in states like Michigan  and California. Here to comment from her home is FOX News personality, Jeanine Pirro.

Jeanine Pirro: Good evening Colin. I hope you’ll forgive me. I had to do my own make up while looking into a spoon. [Her makeup and hair is horrible.]

Colin Jost: Yeh. Jeanine, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: I’m perfectly fine. Although, I admit that it’s been tough for all of us. For what seems like forever, I’ve been sitting at home drinking and complain to whoever would listen.Then this whole coronavirus thing happened.

Colin Jost: What do you think is going on with this virus?

Jeanine Pirro: There are so many theories. Some say the sun kills it. Some say it can be cured with the miracle drug, hydroxyclhoroquine. Right now, there’s a group of patriots in Michigan who believe you can kill virus by shooting it with an AR-Colin Jost5. It’s smart and I support it.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I have to ask, have you been drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Not much. I’m just haveing a little of this boxed wine. [She’s drinking wing out of the box with straw.]

Colin Jost: Well, I guess clearly you think it’s time to reopen the country?

Jeanine Pirro: Of course, it is.

Colin Jost: Oh, my god, did you change? [She has changed her clothes to a yellow dress already.]

Jeanine Pirro: And this magnificent president is the one to lead the charge. Oh, have you seen him up there during these press conferences? Oh, mama. I just want to hide inside a 12 piece bucket of chicken and let him eat me alive.

[Some glitches appear on Jeanine Pirro’s side.]

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. Are you having trouble with the Zoom?

Jeanine Pirro: You’re young. Tell me, is your computer supposed to say, “Please stop screaming?”

Colin Jost: I don’t think so. No. So, I’m sorry, you’re hoping we can just open up and take our chances? [Jeanine Pirro’s side blacks out.] We lost you again.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s the plan, Kemosabe! [When she appears back, she has combat bandanna on her forehead and has put on black marks on her face. Looks like she’s in the jungle.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Where are you?

Jeanine Pirro: Never mind, Anglie. This economy is a buttet train and it doesn’t stop for the weak. So, buy a ticket or get the hell out of th way. Toot-toot! [she’s drinking drink out of a coconut shell.]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god. Jeanine, what are you drinking now?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, this? It’s called Pina Cloraxa. It’s pineapple juice, coconut milk and a half cup of bleach. And not the bottof shelf kind that they use on truck stop toilets. The good stuff. [takes a sip] Ooh, that’s cleansing. I can feel it in my chest.

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hope you know that drinking bleach could kill you.

Jeanine Pirro: What?

[Jeanine Pirro throws the coconut shell away. Somehow the coconut shell hits Colin Jost’s head and the drink pours on his hair.]

Colin Jost: How did you do that?

Jeanine Pirro: I live in the upside-down, Ansley.

Colin Jost: Dammit! Jeanine Pirro, everyone. Oh my god! For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: Dammit!

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro] [Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham] [cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Improv Show

Sasheer Zamata

Aidy Bryant

Noah… Kyle Mooney

Robert Durst… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

[Starts with an Improvisational show]

Sasheer: Oh! Okay, everyone. Let’s keep tonight moving. The next team is one of the best improv groups in the city. Give it up for Price Charmin’.

[music playing. Sasheer leaves the stage.] [three guys and one lady come in dancing]

Aidy: Okay, turn it down in the booth, Frank. Thank you so much. We are Prince Charmin’. Everything you’re about to see is made up for you on the spot. It’s never been done before and it will never be done again.

[Noah walks front]

Noah: Yeah, one night only folks.

Aidy: [laughing] Okay, Noah. So, tonight we’re gonna improvise a whole show about one of you. So, who wants to get up here and get interviewed? Okay, yes! I see a small hand back there. Come on up here, dude. Come on up.

[Robert walks up]

Alright. Take a seat. What’s your name, bud?

Robert: My name is Robert Durst.

Aidy: Okay, Robert. So, Robert, please tell us a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Oh! I don’t know. I’m from Scarsdale. I have black eyes. And one time, I chopped off my best friend. I don’t know, I’m a psycho.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ai-yai-yai! Robert! This is a comedy show. So, let’s keep things a little bit lighter, okay?

Robert: Yeah, of course I can do that.

Aidy: So, robert, what did you do today?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, I woke up. I shaved off my eyebrows. Then for lunch, I went to Wegman’s. I stole a chicken salad sandwich. I had $400,000 cash in the car. I just didn’t want to pay for it. I don’t know.

[Cut to everybody. Noah walks front.]

Noah: Hey, treats are on this guy!

Aidy: [laughing] Noah, you’re crazy!

Robert: [poinging at Aidy] You have too much energy. What’s your address?

Aidy: I live right across from JFK. So, now Robert, is there any special lady in your life? Or gentleman! Or gentleman.

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: Well, there is one lady. Her name is Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: Ooh! And who is this Jeanine?

Robert: Um, she’s some bitch from New York.

Aidy: Oh, gosh! Well, I hope she’s not here tonight.

Jeanine: I am! [Cut to Jeanine] I’m always right behind you, Robert! And I’m gonna catch you with mine two gorgeously manicured hands. Or my name’s not Jeanine Pirro!

[Cut to the stage]

Robert: Ah! She’s gonna die.

[Beck walks front]

Beck: Um, what was that, dude?

Noah: You’re gonna kill her?

[Cut to Robert]

Robert: [talking to himself] No, Robert. You did it again. Did what? Killed them all of course.

[Cut to the stage]

Aidy: Oh-oh! Okay. Very cool. Let’s give Robert up here a round of applause.

[everybody clapping] [Robert leaves the stage]

Robert: What was this for?

Aidy: Okay, so now we’re gonna improvise a set based entirely on Robert Durst.

[Noah and Beck walk front]

Beck: Hey, will you hold this sandwich for me? I gotta go kill someone.

[Cut to Robert and Beck sitting next to each other in the audience.]

Robert: Oh, wow! That’s me!

[cheers and applause]

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro on Fox News Handling Trump’s Impeachment

Colin Jost

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Michael  Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Mitch McConnell at left top corner]

Colin Jost: Now that president Trump has been impeached, his supporters on Fox news are pushing hard to dismiss it. Here to comment on that is Fox news personality Jeanine Pirro.

[cheers and applause] [Jeanine Pirro joins in]

Jeanine Pirro: Thank you Colin. What a wonderful time of year. To my Christian friends, I want to say, Merry Christmas. And to all of you Jewish and Muslim folks out there, I said Merry Christmas.

Colin Jost: Ms. Pirro, you don’t have to yell so loud. I’m right here.

Jeanine Pirro: Sorry Colin, [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] mama only speaks with the same volume as a woman who just lost her child at the mall of America. Casey! Casey!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Jeanine, I hate to ask you this. but, are you drunk?

Jeanine Pirro: Colin please, I only had one glass of wine with dinner.

Colin Jost: Okay, and what did you have for dinner?

Jeanine Pirro: Two bottles of wine.

Colin Jost: See, that sounds like a lot.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, I’ve been celebrating, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] Donald Trump has the deep state on the run. These FBI traitors thrive in the dark, but president Trump has turned on the lights and now they’re scattering like little cucarachas.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So you’re not at all worried this trial is going to hurt the president?

Jeanine Pirro: Oh, please, Colin. Devin Nunes is going to give him hell. That’s Nunes. It’s Portuguese. That Portuguese is gonna blow the lead on this whole impeachment hoax. Oh, mama!

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Actually, Devin Nunes has been accused of meeting with Russian operatives.

Jeanine Pirro: What? Oh! Oh! [Jeanine Pirro pukes all over Colin Jost] Sorry. I’ve got a bit of a winter tickle in my throat. Oopsie daisy!

Colin Jost: A winter tickle? You threw up a gallon of wine.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, then I made some room for a little apertif.

Colin Jost: Oh, no! You’re going back to drinking?

Jeanine Pirro: Don’t worry, Colin. [Cut to Jeanine Pirro] It’s a little dessert wine. To celebrate the end of this impeachment which is only helping president Trump.

[Cut to Jeanine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I hate to point this out but Fox news’ own poll now says 54% now want president Trump impeached.

Jeanine Pirro: What? OH! OH! [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again] I’m so sorry. Winter cold. Let me get you a napkin. [Jeanine Pirro pukes on Colin Jost again]

Colin Jost:  It’s in my mouth. Jeanine Pirro, everyone.

Jeanine Pirro: Merry Christmas!

Colin Jost: For Weekend Update, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Good night.

Impeachment Cold Open – SNL

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

William Barr… Aidy Bryant

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump Jr… Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Kim-Jong Un… Bowen Yang

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Don King… Kenan Thompson

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Liev Schreiber

[Starts with a clip of White House] [Cut to Donald Trump in his office speaking on the phone] [Cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Get me Rudy Giuliani on the phone.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump is on left, Rudy Giuliani is on the ride side of the screen.]

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. Trump. What’s new?

Donald Trump: What do you mean what’s new, Rudy? I’m being impeached. It’s the greatest presidential harassment of all time I would know. I’m like the president of harassment.

Rudy Giuliani: You got to relax Mr. Trump. We’ve got nothing to worry about. Nobody’s going to find out about our illegal side dealings with the Ukraine.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we tried to cover up those side dealings.

Donald Trump: Great.

Rudy Giuliani: Or how we plan to cover up the cover up.

Donald Trump: Rudy. Rudy, where are you right now.

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani. He’s in CNN live show.]

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on CNN right now. I’m going to put you on speaker.

[Cut to split screen of Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.]

Donald Trump: Rudy, get out of there and whatever you do stay off the phone. [Cut to Donald Trump] I got another call. Okay. Who is this?

[Cut to William Barr in his office]

William Barr: It’s Attorney General Barr.

[Cut to split screen. Donald Trump on left, William Barr on right.]

Donald Trump: Will, I’m really starting to worry.

William Barr: Well, stay calm. Mr. President. I know things look bad right now but I got our top guy on this.

Donald Trump: Good. Well let’s get him on the phone too.

[Cut to screen split into three. Donald Trump on left, William Barr in the middle and Rudy Giuliani on right.]

Rudy Giuliani: Hello.

Donald Trump: Dammit! Not Rudy!

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, hey Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Rudy, you’re not still on CNN, are you?

Rudy Giuliani: Of course not.

Donald Trump: Good.

Rudy Giuliani: I’m on the Joe Rogan party.

Donald Trump: Rudy, hang up the phone and get out of there. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and William Barr]. Will, you know I’m going to need somebody to take the blame for this.

William Barr: Yeah, but where are you going to find a sacrificial Patsy that don’t do anything you say, not it.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry, I’ve got the perfect stooge.

[Cut to Mike Pence.] [Phone ringing]

Mike Pence: Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Mike Pence.]

Donald Trump: Big Mike, how is church going? You’re still waiting on, what’s this face, to come back?

Mike Pence: You mean Jesus sir?

Donald Trump: Yes, that’s the guy. Listen, I’m just calling you about this whole Ukraine whistle blower thing. It’s looking pretty bad for you.

Mike Pence: For me? But you’re the one who broke the law.

Donald Trump: Hey, wait a minute. Don’t try to drag me into your mess. Hold on Mike, I’m getting a call from the boys. [Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump on left and Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. on the right.] Hello.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. It’s your sons.

Eric Trump: And Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Dad. I just can’t believe the lame stream media is focused on you and not on the corruption of Joe Biden’s son.

Donald Trump: I know. By the way did you take care of that thing in Russia for me.

Donald Trump Jr.: [Laughing] What thing in Russia?

Eric Trump: [Laughing] The treason!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric!

[Call waiting beeps]

Donald Trump: Hang on boys I’m getting a very important call from the Chairman.

[Cut to screen into two with Donald Trump and Kim Chairman Kim-Jong Un.]

Chairman Kim.

Kim-Jong Un:  What’s up?

Donald Trump: Thanks for getting back to me. I need some advice. How do you handle a whistle blower?

Kim-Jong Un:  Oh that’s easy. You have a big ocean in your country.

Donald Trump: Yes.

Kim-Jong Un: Okay. Send whistle blower to the bottom of them.

Donald Trump: Oh, wow. I wish my country was as cool as your country. [Phone ringing] Hang on hang on I got to take this.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Kanye West.]

Kanye, how have you been my man?

Kanye West: A lot better bro, actually. Remember those pills I were supposed to take. Hah? It turns out I’m supposed to take them every day. Can you believe that?
Donald Trump: That’s good. That’s good.

Kanye West: But actually, the reason I’m calling you because I don’t think we can be fam no more, fam.

Donald Trump: What? Why not?

Don King: Give me that phone. [Don King walks into Kanye] Only in America.

Donald Trump: Don King. Oh, don’t tell me you dudes are partying without me. Is Rodman there? And Tyson too?

Don King: Yeah. We were just having an emergency meeting at the black market. And, we all decided that this whole impeachment thing is hurting our brand.

Donald Trump: Oh don’t bail on me now. I need my Urban’s. Kanye, just tell me who you want out of jail this time. ASAP Rocky again? Or how about that little girl Teriyaki 69?

Kanye West: Look fam, we gotta go say goodbye to douche bag.

Don King: Yeah, Terrence Howard is up on the roof with an umbrella trying to prove that gravity don’t exist. Only in America.

[Cut to Donald trump]

Donald Trump: Wait. This whistle blower is starting to ruin everything for me. [Phone ringing] Hello.

[Cut to screen split into two with Donald Trump and Jeanine Pirro.]

Jeanine Pirro: We’re tugged!

Donald Trump: Hey, Judge Jeanine. Things are not going so great. I’m really feeling down, I could really use a pep talk.

Jeanine Pirro: Well, Mr. President, you have come to the right place. Who’s my special beautiful boy?

Donald Trump: I am

Jeanine Pirro: Who makes every woman’s eyes pop out of her skull and go, “Oh God”?

Donald Trump: I do.

Jeanine Pirro: Damn right you do cause you’ve got dumbs like a truck, truck. And thighs like what, what?

Donald Trump: Thanks. I really needed that this whistle blower thing is just– it just won’t go away.

Jeanine Pirro: Well if you really want someone to go away, you know who to call.

Donald Trump: Right, that’s genius. [Cut to Donald Trump] I’ll call him right now.

[Cut to screen split into to with Donald Trump and Liev Schreiber.]

Liev Schreiber: Hello.

Donald Trump: Yes. Is this Ray Donovan?

Liev Schreiber: Excuse me?

Donald Trump: Ray Donovan the fixer. The guy who takes care of stuff. Wink wink.

Liev Schreiber: I told you Mr. President. Ray Donovan is a fictional character. I’m Liev Schreiber, the actor.

Donald Trump: Of course, right. I knew that. But if you can’t do it, can you connect me with John Wick?

Liev Schreiber: He’s fake. He’s fake too Mr. President.

Donald Trump: What about Liam Neeson?

Liev Schreiber: Oh, actually Liam might do it.

Donald Trump: Fine. That’s good. I’ll get him, problem solved. And live New York it’s Saturday Night.

Weekend Update: Jeanine Pirro | Season 44 Episode 16

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Colin Jost

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Fox news personality judge Jeanine Pirro returned to television tonight after being suspended for two weeks after controversial comments about a Muslim congressman. Here to explain is Jeanine Pirro.

[Janine Pirro joins Colin Jost]

Jeanine Pirro: Evening Collin. I’m judge Jeanine Pirro. And it’s up to you to decide just what my whole deal is.

Colin Jost: That’s great. So you’re back on Fox.

Jeanine Pirro: That’s right! [Cut to Janine Pirro] This Mueller report completely exonerated the President, and, therefore, everybody on the Trump train. Whew, whew!  So, somebody at Fox news said my name into a bathroom mirror three times and here I am. And Colin, I just want to take this opportunity to say hi to my super fans out there. Mean horny men laying on in-home hospital beds and white prison gangs who control the remote on Saturdays. Thank you for watching.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: You don’t have to shout. I can year you.

Jeanine Pirro: Can’t do, pal! Momma’s got one volume and it’s three chardonnays deep by the crowded party!

Colin Jost: So you really think that this report totally exonerates the president? Because the Attorney Ganeral’s letter made it sound a little murky.

Jeanine Pirro: It’s crystal clear! [Cut to Janine Pirro] No collusion, no obstruction. The report concludes that the President is 35-years-old and 175 pounds. He’s got the rugged good looks of Bradley Cooper and he smells like steak and complementary bathroom cologne. And he’s a USDA certified sex machine who can wack that ass from dusk until dawn.

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I really don’t think it says that. Also, how can you be so sure about the Mueller Report when noone’s actually read it?

Jeanine Pirro: No one should read it, Colin. [Cut to Janine Pirro] That’s why tonight I’m asking Attorney General William Barr to tell the world that President Trump is innocent. And then burn that report for all of eternity. Just throw it into the temple of doom. And sorry, short round, you ain’t stopping Dr. Jones this time!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: See, it’s that type of comment that maybe got you in trouble.

Jeanine Pirro: No, sorry, Colin, after this Mueller report, we in Trump nation can do anything we want.

Colin Jost: That’s right. Yes, I actually heard that Trump say this week he might completely close the border with Mexico.

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Wow, are you okay?

Jeanine Pirro: Wow. Yes, great! Oh, [Cut to Janine Pirro] I just got so damn excited about Trump unleashing, wow mama, oh yeah! He’s getting rid of Jussie Smollett and he’s bringing back Roseanne! Yeah! She’s going to have her own show called ‘The Barrs’. It’s Roseanne and William Barr on the dirtiest couch you’ve ever seen. And they’re calling them like they see them and they’re taking all of the damn ambien they want! Period!

[Cut to Janine Pirro and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Again, I don’t think that’s happening but I don’t know if you heard, Trump did say he’s hoping to launch an investigation into both Obama and Hillary—

Jeanine Pirro: What? [Jeanine Pirro falls off her chair out of shock]

Colin Jost: Jeanine Pirro, everyone!

Jeanine Pirro: You’re under investigation next.