Singing on Primaries

Taran Killam

Aidy Bryant

Vanessa Bayer

Kyle Mooney

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

[Starts with four people having meal at a restaurant]

Taran: Oh, my god. Have you guys been watching the Primaries?

Aidy: Ah, yes. Hillary got her butt kicked in New Hampshire.

Vanessa: I know. But we’re all still voting for her right?

All: Oh, yeah. Totally.

Vanessa: Cool. Me too. Except, I think I’m voting for Bernie.

Kyle: What? But yeah, me too.

Taran and Aidy: You are? But so are we.

Vanessa:  mean, Hillary is the most qualified candidate in history but at the same time, ay!

Taran: Yeah. I mean, Hillary has every single thing I want in the president, but…

All: She’s no Bernie.

[music playing]

[Cut to Hillary Clinton on a flower swing]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] Turn down the lights
turn down the bay
turn down these voices
inside my head

Lay down with me
tell me no lies
just hold me close
don’t personalize

[Cut to Taran and Aidy]

Aidy: I mean, I like Hillary’s foreign policy experience, but I love Bernie’s whole vibe.

Taran: I’m obsessed with his vibe.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t

[Cut to Vanessa and Kyle]

Kyle: Bernie is the best.

[Hillary Clinton walks behind them]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Vanessa: Bernie is change.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark

[Cut to everybody. Hillary Clinton is singing and dancing.]

at this fine hour
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
with you

Aidy: I like when Bernie yells.

Hillary Clinton: I love you.

Aidy: But not when Hillary does.

Hillary Clinton: Coz I can’t make you love me
If you don’t

[Hillary Clinton walks away]

Vanessa: Wow, did anybody else just get so cold for a minute?

Kyle: I felt cold, but safe.

[Cecily walks in]

Cecily: Hey you guys, I’m sorry I’m late.

Taran: h, that’s okay. We were just talking about whether or not vote for Hillary.

Cecily: Oh, I definitely am. Coz they basically said it’s my feminist duty.

Aidy: Well, actually that’s not right. True feminism is looking at both candidates equally regardless of gender.

Cecily: Oh! Well, if they really do that I pick Bernie.

Kyle: Me too. Hillary is just too establishment.

Vanessa: Yeah. And Bernie is an outsider who has only been in congress for 30 years.

All: Yes, he’s the best.

[music playing]

[Hillary Clinton come in sitting on a piano. Bill Clinton is playing the piano.]

Hillary Clinton: [singing] I can’t make you love me if you don’t

Bill Clinton: Please. Please just look.

Hillary Clinton: I can’t make your heart feel something it wont

Bill Clinton: Like her from my side.

Hillary Clinton: Here in the dark in these final hours
I will lay down my heart and I’ll feel the power

Bill Clinton: Oh boy. Guess what, I’m not even playing this thing. [he means he’s not playing the piano]

Hillary Clinton: I can’t you love me if you don’t

[Hillary Clinton and Bill Clinton slide out with the piano]

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: You guys, I will say one thing about Hillary. She is way better than any of those republican nominees.

Vanessa: Oh, that’s for sure. Except, I do like Jeb Bush.

All: You do?

Vanessa: No, I’m kidding. Who likes Jeb Bush?

[everybody laughing]

[music playing]

[Jeb Bush comes out of the table behind everbody]

Jeb Bush: [singing] Coz I can’t make you love me if you don’t
coz I can’t make your heart feel something it wont
Deep in the dark–

Kyle: Excuse me! I’m sorry. Are you Jeb Bush?

Jeb Bush: Wait, what? You can see me?

Vanessa: I mean, yeah. You just stood up out of that table. How long were you waiting down there for?

Jeb Bush: But I was just– I was doing what Hillary did. You know? With the other ones? Coz she and I are both big losers.

Cecily: Oh! No, no. You two aren’t the same. Hillary may have lost New Hampshire but she is still pulling way ahead in the south.

Aidy: Yeah. I have a ton of friends there and they all love her.

[Hillary Clinton comes out of another table with an electric guitar]

Hillary Clinton: Now that’s my babies! And there is going nowhere!

[plays rock guitar]

I’ll see you in the south

[plays rock guitar]

And live from New York

[plays rock guitar]

It’s Saturday Night!

Republican Debate

Neil Cavuto… Kyle Mooney

Maria Bartiromo… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

[Starts with republican debate intro]

Male voice: Live on the Fox Business Network, it’s the 6th republican debate.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Hello and welcome back. I’m FOX business rock star Neil Cavuto.

Neil: And I’m Maria Bartiromo. A reminder, we’ve lost a few competitors since the last debate with only seven joining us tonight. So remember candidates, if at any time tonight, your poll numbers drop below 3%, you will hear a loud gong, then be escorted off the stage like the showtime at the Apollo. At which point you’ll take a seat in the audience next to that sweet rose of the Carolina’s senator Lindsey Graham.

[Cut to Lindsey Graham sitting at the audience and smiling at the camera.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

The next question for our front runner Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump.]

Donald Trump: Thank you Maria Toniromo.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Trump. Since the last debate, Ted Cruz has pulled ahead of you in Iowa. Is it true you’ve started attacking him because you see him as a threat?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Franky Maria, I’m glad everyone is talking about my good friend Rafael Eduardo Cruz. People are coming up to me all the time saying, “Donald, Ted Cruz was born in Canada. He can’t be president. This campaign is illegal.” Their words, not mine.

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Donald, this debate about natural born citizenship is just political nonsense. Clearly I’m not Canadian. Canadians are well act. I am not. Canadians are rugged and outdoorsy where I myself am mostly made of pudding. Canadians are genuine and warm whereas when I smile, it looks like I’m peeing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright governor Christie, if I ask you a question, do you promise not to turn your answer into a tie raid against president Obama?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: I promise.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: How would you change the tax code?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Barack Obama is the worst president in the history. And when Chris Christie is president, the first thing we will do is kick your rear end out of the White House buddy.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, whoever is elected, president Obama will be required to leave. It will be the end of his term.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Duh! Yeah! Coz I’m gonna send him packing.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: He will already have packed and left because his term will be over.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, well.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: This next question is for Jeb.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: It is?

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Wait, I’m sorry. I’m wrong. It says Ted. Ted Cruz.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Aw!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Mr. Cruz. You suggested Mr. Trump embodies New York values. Could you explain what you mean by that?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: I think most people know exactly what New York values are. And frankly, they’re not the rest of the country’s values. Instead of celebrating Christmas, New Yorkers celebrate a pagan holiday called Festivus. Instead of watching American football, they challenge each other to masturbation contests. In New York, people don’t say hi to their neighbors. They say, “Hello, Newman.”

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Sounds like you’re describing the TV show ‘Seinfeld’. Is that what you mean by New York values?

[Cut to Ted Cruz]

Ted Cruz: Believe me, if I could say liberal Jews, I would.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Dr. Carson. You’ve said we’re not doing enough to dismantle and destroy ISIS. What would you do as president?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well, whenever I think of ISIS I get so furious. I just go into beast mode. Okay, look. Okay, wars change in the 6,000 years that the earth has existed. Our enemies can now send an electromagnetic pulse into our exo-atmosphere  scrambling our electro-city. I’m talking dirty bombs, cyber fights, laser people and robo-trons.

[Cut to Chris Christie and Ben Carson. Chris Christie moves away from Ben Carson.]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Mr. Trump, we now turn to China.

[Cut to Donald Trump looking at his phone.]

Donald Trump: Hold on. I’m getting a call from a respected expert. Hello. What? You’re saying Jeb Bush is a little girl?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: No I’m not.

Donald Trump: And he can’t be president because his hands are bigger than his face.

Jeb Bush: That’s not true. Look! Dang it!

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Neil: Our next question is for Marco Rubio.

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Um, can I ask my question myself? Um, why am I not winning? Is it the boots? I can lose the boots. I mean come on! I’m young. I’m smart.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: What did he say?

Neil: Um, I wasn’t listening. Um, finally we turn to governor Bush. Governor, would you like to tell everyone the joke I heard you practicing in the bathroom earlier?

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay. In Hillary’s first 100 days as president, she’s going from the White House to the Court House. [laughing]

[Cut to Donald Trump shaking his head]

Donald Trump: It’s okay. You don’t need to tell jokes because you are one, Zebra.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yes it is. And I have a good authority that Zebra is wearing spanks right now.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: You shut up. They’re for support.

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Alright. We’ll take our first break–

[someone hands a paper to Maria]

Oh, this is exciting. We have confirmation that Chris Christie has just dipped below 3% in the national polls.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

[gong sound]

Chris Christie: Wait! Come on!

[Kenan walks in wearing a white suit dancing and escorts Chris Christie out]

[Cut to Neil and Maria]

Maria: Well, that’s a lot of fun. We’ll be right back with more. And …

Neil and Maria: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

GOP Debate Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Jon Rudnitsky

Donald Trump… Darrell Hammond

Ted Cruz… Taran Killam

Ben Carson… Jay Pharoah

Marco Rubio… Pete Davidson

Jeb Bush… Beck Bennett

Pete Buttigieg… Colin Jost

Carly Fiorina… Cecily Strong

Chris Christie…Bobby Moynihan

Rand Paul… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Republican Presidential Debate intro]

Male voice: Live from the Venetian Hotel, Las Vegas, it’s the Republican Debate, with your moderator Wolf Blitzer.

Wolf Blitzer: Good evening. For those of you who missed our earlier under card debate featuring Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum, well the results are in and everybody lost. Now, let’s meet the candidates. Nine are here tonight. The five who actually have a chance are  [Cut to the candidates] Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio and poor sweet Jeb Bush.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

With the rest of you just wave so your parents know you’re here.

[Cut to Pete Buttigieg and Carly Fiorina waving]

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul waving]

Chris Christie: Hey, baba-boy!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: We will begin with the front runner, Mr. Trump here. Opening remarks.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Debates are stupid. You should be paying me and Wolf Blitzer looks like Papa Smurf.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Wolf, May I take a desperate swing at Donald now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead Mr. Bush.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: This is what he does. He says these offensive things then he bullies anyone who challenges him. Well guess what, you can’t insult your way to the presidency.

Donald Trump: Oh really jug head? Coz I’m at 43 and you’re at three. Jeb, you’re a nice guy but you’re a light weight. And I know for a fact that you pee setting down.

Jeb Bush: No I don’t.

Donald Trump: Yes you do.

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, let’s go to the surging Ted Cruz. Senator, [Cut to Ted Cruz] you said you will relentlessly carpet bomb ISIS. Is this a real strategy?

Ted Cruz: Well, Wolf, if I’m president I can promise you, ISIS will hate me and how do I know? Because everyone who knows me hates me. Democrats hate me. Republicans hate me. I have what doctors call, a punch-able face. Political actually did a poll and I was voted the candidate most people wanted to throw a beer at. So look out, ISIS, because I’m gonna crash your party. And just like every party I go to, I’m gonna ruin it.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Governor Christie, what steps would you take to keep Americans safe?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Wolf, I would like to answer that with a series of fear-mongering statements.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Go ahead.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: We are under attack and we are all gonna die. Mothers are putting their kids on buses and these buses are being driven off-cliffs by terrorists. Today in our great country, one out of every three babies born are already in ISIS. They are here folks, and I am the only one up here with a stones to take them on. I am a cowboy on a steel horse I ride, Bon Jovi forever!

[Cut to Chris Christie and Rand Paul]

Rand Paul: Listen to this man. He’s trying to start World War III.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Sir, we’re not taking comments from the audience yet.

[Cut to Rand Paul looking angry]

Rand Paul: No, I’m Rand Paul. I’m up here.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Oh, sorry. Well, let’s go to Dr. Carson. Doctor, do you, a brain surgeon, have the experience in toughness to deal with world leaders like Vladimir Putin?

[Cut to Ben Carson]

Ben Carson: Well that question makes me furious, Wolf. I might go ham up in here right now. Of course I can be tough. As a surgeon, I have to tell people things they don’t wanna hear. Not that they have to have brain surgery. That it be performed by me, a man who they believe to be asleep. But I’m not asleep. I am amped, I am jacked and I’m ready to throw down. What do you think of that, Mr. Putin?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Miss Fiorina, your thoughts.

[Cut to Carly Fiorina]

Carly Fiorina: You wanna talk about Putin, I know Vladimir Putin personally. I sold him an HP printer and now he hates my guts. It doesn’t work. It never worked. And when Putin calls me to complain, I just smile that classic Carly Fiorina smile.

[Carly Fiorina smiles showing her teeth]

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Okay, well looks like Jeb’s got his courage back up.

[Cut to Jeb Bush. Looks like he’s warming up for sports.]

He is ready to take another run at Trump.

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Mr. Bush, go ahead and say out loud what you’ve been quietly muttering to yourself.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Trump? I mean, [Cut to Jeb Bush and Donald Trump] this guy is the chaos candidate. Am I right? Chaos. Is he for real? Nah, man.

Donald Trump: Jeb, you’re a very nice man but you’re basically a little girl. Folks, this is true. I got hold of Jeb’s birth certificate in full disclosure. His real name is Zebra.

Jeb Bush: That is not true.

Donald Trump: That is true. Yes, it is. Jeb-bra. Jeb-bra.

Jeb Bush: That’s not my name. That’s not my name.

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, lose say what?

Jeb Bush: What? Oh, come on!

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Let’s move on to senator Rubio. Senator, few weeks ago, you were many people’s pick as the most electable candidate. Tonight you’re in 4th place. Are you resonating with the voters?

[Cut to Marco Rubio]

Marco Rubio: Wolf, let’s remember one thing. I am by far, the most attractive person on this stage. I’m a hard seven, baby! I’m young, Cuban, and let’s face it, I’m the only one up here you’d swipe right on. [Cut to Ben Carson. He’s wearing glasses that has wide open eyes printed on them.] So why am I losing to this guy who is asleep right now?

[Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright, before we go to commercial, we’ll give Jeb one last chance to make an impression.

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Alright guys, listen. If we work together we can stop Donald Trump. Combine my numbers with [pointing to other candidates] your’s, your’s and your’s, we’d almost win.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Hey Zebra, shut your pot hole

[Cut to Jeb Bush]

Jeb Bush: Okay, you know what? You’re a jerk! You’re never gonna be president, Donald.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Yeah, no kidding. None of us are genius. And I’ll tell ya something else. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

[The End]