Weekend Update- Jeff and Hattie Deeley on Their Marriage

Michael Che

Hattie… Heidi Gardner

Jeff… Mikey Day

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: May-December relationships are nothing unusual now-a-days. But a 26 year old groom is facing accusations of being a gold digger after marrying his 106 year old multi billionaire bride. Here to respond are newly-weds Jeff and Hattie Deley.

[Hattie and Jeff slide in]

Jeff: I put a ring on it. Thanks, Michael. I just want to say to all the haters out there, I’m not pretending. I could care less about my wife’s money. I married my wife because I’m in love with her.

Hattie: Candy? [passes candy to Michael Che]

Michael Che: Oh. Is this a cough-trap?

Hattie: It’s candy.

Jeff: Yeah. She likes to give those out. I don’t know if I’d eat it. It’s a little weird.

Hattie: That’s candy.

Michael Che: Thank you.

Jeff: And by the way, I just want to say, I didn’t even know she was rich to like, a couple of months after we started dating.

Michael Che: Dude, her maiden name is Exxonmobil. Hattie Exxonmobil.

Jeff: I don’t know.

Hattie: That’s me!

Jeff: Yeah, that is you, baby. God, she’s so sexy. All I know is it was love at first sight. She walked by and I swear on my life, like, except for the Walker, I thought it was Margot Robbie. I was like, what?

Hattie: We are on television.

Jeff: Yeah, we are, baby. We are on television. Yeah.

Michael Che: So, I hear you won’t sign a prenup?

Jeff: Yeah. I mean, her family wants me to but I know we’ll never divorce. So, what’s the point? You know what I mean?

Hattie: Can I have a custard before bed?

Jeff: Yeah, it’s awesome, baby.

Hattie: It’s little snack called custard.

Jeff: Yeah. Alright. Yes, babe.

Hattie: You owe me custard before bed.

Michael Che: I understand, ma’am. Just… What do you love the most about your wife?

Jeff: Um, she makes me laugh, Michael.

Hattie: Light’s so bright in here.

Jeff: Yeah. Baby, what kind of stuff do we laugh about?

Hattie: The hey?

Jeff: She says ‘the hey’. It means like, what? I think it’s an old person thing. It’s super adorable though, and I love it. Ha-ha-ha. [loud voice] What do we laugh about, baby?

Hattie: Oh. He-he. The hey.

Jeff: We have the same sense of humor. It’s awesome. [yelling] Babe, what do we laugh about?

Hattie: Excited for my custard.

Jeff: Yes, custard.

Hattie: Eat a custard.

Jeff: Yeah, he knows about the custard. No, we’re just excited to start our lives and start a family.

Michael Che: A family? Dude, I think ship has sailed, man.

Jeff: No. Technology is redonk now. Like, you just have to have my sperm fertilize another woman’s egg, and that woman carries and then has the baby.

Michael Che: So, you’re just going to get another woman pregnant?

Jeff: Look, kids are down the road. We got to practice making them first.

Michael Che: Dude, for real? What is having sex with your wife like? Killer?

Jeff: You’d think so, but no.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Michael Che: Aw.

Jeff: She does.

Hattie: I like it a lot.

Jeff: They know, babe.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff] I have sex with him.

Michael Che: Okay, if this is legit, I hope you two have many, many more years together.

Jeff: Oh, don’t say that, man.

Michael Che: That’s right.

Hattie: [pointing at Jeff’s penis] Excited for my custard.

Jeff: They know. We’re gonna have it.

Michael Che: The Deleys, everybody. For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Pizza Town

Carozzi… Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Peppi Ronnie… Aziz Ansari

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Steve… Mikey Day

Marynara… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Carozzi hiding in an abandoned Pizza Town]

Carozzi: [talking on the phone] Cops are all over the stash house. So, I’m laying low at the abandoned Pizza Town off route. Look, if you find that snitch, you kill him.

[Two cops walk in pointing a gun at Carozzi]

Beck: Freeze, Carozzi. [to his partner] See if you can find the fuse box and get some light on it.

[Kenan runs to turn lights on]

Carozzi: How did you find me?

Beck: One of you boys ratted you out. Your whole operation’s going down.

Carozzi: Who ratted? Was it Marco?

Beck: Let me worry about that.

Kenan: Found the fuse box.

[the lights turn oh. There’s a robot band on the stage of the restaurant.] [music playing]

Peppi Ronnie: I’m Peppi Ronnie. [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie

Let’s all eat pizza, pizza
let’s all eat pizza pie
I am a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza guy

Beck: Why’d you turn this thing one?

Kenan: I don’t know. It’s just one switch.

Beck: Don’t do anything stupid, Carozzi.

Peppi Ronnie: Say hi to my pizza pals.

[Jeff is playing drums wearing chef uniform]

Jeff: I’m Chef Jeff, and I make-a the pizzas.

[Steve is playing guitar that looks like a pizza]

Steve: I’m Cheesy Steve and I shred the guitar-mesan.

[guitar solo playing] [Marynara is playing tamborine]

Marynara: And I’m Sauce-some Marynara on the Tamborine.

Peppi Ronnie: We are Peppi-Ronnie and the Pizza Pals, and we’ll be right pizza!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off] [Carozzi is tryin to pull something out of his jacket]

Beck: Hey! Hey! That’s a bad idea.

Kenan: Yeah, I know, right? They should have Marynara on the keyboards instead of tambourine. Ha-ha. There’s so much synth in that song.

Beck: I’m not talking about the pizza band.

[siren sound]

Sounds like our backup’s here.

Peppi Ronnie: That sound was the birthday siren! [music playing] It’s someone’s birthday!

[singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like the birthday pie
go happy pizza birthday
birthday girl, birthday guy

Congratulations to–

Recorded voice: Samora.

Peppi Ronnie: Who turnes–

Recorded voice: Nine.

Peppi Ronnie: And is is celebrating with–

Recorded voice: Mom and Gary.

Peppi Ronnie: Cowabunga!

Recorded voice: Lope.

Peppi Ronnie: Here’s a joke just for you. Did you hear about the pizza with no toppings? There was mushroom (much room) for improvement!

Steve: That’s cheesy!

[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: You get it? Ha-ha. Mushroom for improvement. Yeah, that’s clever.

Carozzi: Hey, i’m not going back to jail.

Beck: Shut up. I don’t want to shoot you, Carozzi. Now I’m coming over and taking you in.
[music playing and the stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: [singing] Don’t you want some pizza
don’t you want some pizza

[music stops]

Oh! Who ordered anchovies?

[fog horn]


[music stops and the stage lights turn off]

Kenan: That’s good. Nobody likes anchovies.

Beck: Stop watching the pizza band.

[Beck walks towards Carozzi to handcuff him]

Carozzi: I want a lawyer, okay?

Beck: Well, it’s not gonna help you, Corozzi. Come on, let’s take him in.

Kenan: Yeah, you go ahead. I’m gonna stay behind and wait for forensics.

[The stage lights turn on]

Peppi Ronnie: Hey, who here likes to dance?

[Kenan looks around]

Kenan: I do.

Peppi Ronnie: Then let’s crust a move!

[music playing] [Kenan starts dancing] [singing] I like that pizza, pizza
I like pizza pie
I want a pizza, pizza
Pizza what? Pizza pie


Pine Ridge Campground

Jeff… Lin-Manuel Miranda

Cecily Strong

Hector… Kyle Mooney

Patricia… Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with four people camping at Pine Ridge Campground. Jeff is playing guitar and Cecily is singing]

Cecily: [singing] How many roads must a man walk down
before you can call him a man

Jeff: Yes, and how many seas must a white dove sail
before she sleeps in the sand

Jeff and Cecily: The answer my friend is blowing in the wind
the answer is blowing in the wind.

[Hector and Patricia clapping]

Hector: Wow, amazing. Really special, guys. Do you actually play guitar?

Jeff: Well, yeah.

Patricia: Okay, how about one more song?

Jeff: Um, it’s getting pretty late.

Hector: Oh, come on! You guy’s been entertaining us all night. Why don’t you let us sing one for you?

Jeff: Okay.

Patricia: Why not? Such a nice night.

[Hector and Patricia look at each other and start singing randomly.]

Hector and Patricia: Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes
Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees
Jack, get back
C’mon before we crack
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

[Hector and Patricia clap for themselves]

Cecily: Wow.

Patricia: What a beautiful night. I’m so glad we could finally carve out some time to be together.

Jeff: We just met you an hour ago. You walked into our campsite and brought your own chairs. What are your names?

Hector: Oh, I’m Hector and this is my sister, Patricia.

Patricia: Yeah. We’re year rounders on site 71 over by the RV sink and shower waste.

Cecily: Did you say you’re brother and sister? You’ve been holding hands all night.

Patricia: Oh, it’s cold.

Hector: [yelling] Cold as hell.

Patricia: [laughing] So, okay, what did you guys think of that? Of our song?

Hector: We want honest criticism. Really.

Jeff: It sounded a little flat and you had no sense of how far away we are from you.

Cecily: Jeff, why are you–

Jeff: I don’t know. They asked.

Hector: [singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: Please, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector: Babe, are we flat?

Cecily: Did he just– did he just call her babe?

Patricia: Okay, what are you hearing that isn’t working for you, Jeff? Can you just like, describe it?

Jeff: It almost sounds like you speak normally, but when you sing you have like, Eastern European accents. It sounds almost like…

[imitating how Hector and Patricia sing]

Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Maybe just try it normal like,

[singing] Cut loose, Footloose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Hector: Okay, okay. So, more like…

[yelling and singing] Loose, cut loose
Kick off your Sunday shoes

Patricia: lease, Louise
Pull me off of my knees

Hector and Patricia: Everybody cut, Everybody cut
Everybody cut Footloose

Cecily: Okay, I think we better head to bed. It was nice to meet you.

Patricia: Aw, is there time for one more song?

Cecily: Oh, I don’t think so.

Hector: [badly imitating Jack Nicholson] Well, how about a visit from good old Jack Nicholson?

Patricia: [badly imitating Dame Judy Dench] Or Dame Judy Dench?

Cecily: Hey, you’re doing impressions now? What are you doing? Okay, we’re gonna go to bed.

Jeff: Actually, if you guys were gonna sing another song though, what would it be?

Cecily: Jeff?

Jeff: I’m just curious.

Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Ride into the danger zone

Patricia: Oh, that was great baby.

[Hector and Patricia kiss]

Cecily: Okay, um, well goodnight.

Hector: And goodnight from the one and only Jack Nicholson, man.

Patricia: And Dame Judy–

Cecily: No, stop.

Jeff: That’s not Jack Nicholson. [imitating Jack Nicholson] This is Jack Nicholson.

Cecily: Honey? Oh, that’s bad too. Why are you participating in this?

Jeff: I like them.

[Cecily gets angry and leaves]

Jeff, Hector and Patricia: [yelling and singing] Highway to the danger zone
Wanna take a ride into the danger zone

Bern Your Enthusiasm

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Jane Sanders… Vanessa Bayer

Jeff… Bobby Moynihan

Suzan… Cecily

[Starts with public crows at Bernie Sander’s rally. Benie Sanders and Jane Sanders and walking together.]

Jane Sanders: Sweetie, I can’t believe how many people are here.

Benie Sanders: It’s  revolution, Jane. Millions of people. If we have a good turn out, we can win Iowa.

Leslie: Oh my god! Mr. Bernie Sanders. I’m your biggest fan. [coughs on her right palm] And I’m telling you, I’m feeling your Bern! [gives her right hand to shake] [Benie Sanders doesn’t shake his hand]

Benie Sanders: Ah! That’s okay.

Leslie: Well, what do you mean? Shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: You coughed into your hand, then shake it after a cough.

Leslie: No I didn’t. Just shake my hand.

Benie Sanders: No, no. You specifically coughed in your hand. I saw it.

Leslie: No I didn’t.

Kenan: Come on, Mr. Sanders. Don’t be rude. Shake my wife’s hand.

Benie Sanders: Sir, I am not being rude. She’s the one who is being rude by offering a germ infested hand at me.

Leslie: A germ infested hand? Is that right? I am a voter. That’s that I am. Germ infested person?

Benie Sanders: I am running for president. I do not shake disgusting hands.

Leslie: Oh, I’m disgusting now? Really? Don’t walk away from me, Bernie Sanders!

[Cut to Bernie Sanders in his office]

Kyle: Mr. Sanders, can I get you a coffee?

Benie Sanders: A coffee. Yeah, you know what? I’ll have a coffee with whole milk.

Kyle: Sorry, I think we only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: 2%? No, no. If I’m gonna have milk, I’ll have milk. Thank you very much.

Jeff: Bernie! What’s this I hear about you not shaking your constituent’s hands. You can’t do that.

Benie Sanders: No, you don’t understand Jeff. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jeff: Sure it wasn’t a cough and a wipe and a shake?

Benie Sanders: No, no. There was no wipe. Definitely no wipe. She didn’t have the decency to give me a wife.

Suzan: You are such an asshole Bernie. You know what? This is why nobody likes you, because you’re an asshole.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I’m an asshole?

Suzan: Yeah! You are. You are.

Benie Sanders: People love me, okay? I have more individual donations than any candidate in history and I don’t take from millionaires and billionaires. The average is just–

Suzan: $27, yeah, we know. Coz you say it every time you’re on TV.

Benie Sanders: Okay, we’ll keep it low, low.

Suzan: Everybody knows!

Benie Sanders: Oh, shut up, Suzan. Okay?

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Bernie F-ing Sanders! Ha-ha-ha. Listen man. I’ll tell you something. I heard you didn’t want to shake a black woman’s hand.

Benie Sanders: What? Don’t! Don’t say ‘black woman’, okay? There’s nothing to do with black. She gave me a cough and shake.

Jay: Listen, you need the black vote, Bernie. You need to shake as many black women’s hands as you can. I don’t care if the hand’s got dookie on it. You shake that hand. You might get a dookie in your hand, but you know what else you get? A damn vote.

Benie Sanders: Okay, that was fascinating. I’m gonna go get some coffee.

Suzan: You can’t go out there.

Benie Sanders: Why? I’m a person like everybody else. I’m a normal human being.

Suzan: You’re not normal.

Benie Sanders: Normal human being. Oh, shut up Suzie! How about that?

Suzan: You shut up.

[Cut to Benie Sanders walking at the snowy street.] [As Benie Sanders is walking to get a coffee, there’s a car hitting sound.] [Cut to Aidy in the broken car.]

Aidy: Help. Somebody, please!

Benie Sanders: My god! What happened?

Aidy: I- I don’t know. Are you Bernie Sanders? I was just on my way to vote for you.

Benie Sanders: Oh, how– what can I do? How can I help?

Aidy: Well, I think I dislocated my shoulder. So can you just pop it back in?

Benie Sanders: Pop it back in? Are you nuts?

Aidy: No. It’s easy. Just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: Oh, I cannot. Go to a hospital. I don’t pop– I’m not a popper.

Aidy: Well, come on! The poll’s closing in an hour. If you want my vote just pop it back in.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want it that bad. I never popped in my life. I’m from Brooklyn. We don’t pop in Brooklyn. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Come on!

Benie Sanders: I have no popping experience. I’m sorry.

Aidy: Bernie!

Benie Sanders: I’m sorry.

[Benie Sanders walks away]

Aidy: F-you! Bernie!

[Cut to Bernie walking back into his office. Everyone is looking at the poll.]

Benie Sanders: Excuse me. Excuse me. How are we doing?

Jeff: I’m so glad you could make it, Bernie. The polls are closed.

Jane Sanders: Where is your coffee?

Benie Sanders: I had an incident–

Suzan: The hell you talking about incident. Just drink the coffee here.

Benie Sanders: I don’t want to drink the coffee. 2%. What’s 2%? I’m not drinking–

Suzan: What are you? Some weirdo psychopath? What’s wrong with 2%?

Taran: Alright, start the presses. Headlines in. They feel the Bern. Huge voter turnout. Huge, massive!

Benie Sanders: Turnout? This is wonderful. Did you hear? Huge! Huge turnout. You know what that means? That means we win.

Suzan: Hey you [bleep] four eyes. Look at the TV dumb [bleep]. You didn’t win. You lost.

Jeff: You lost by like, .2%. Come on!

Benie Sanders: .2%? What? How many people is that?

Taran: It’s like, five people.

Jane Sanders: How could we lose by five people?

Suzan: What did you do? You did something.

[Benie Sanders looks at the TV. He sees Aidy, Leslie and Kenan waving at the TV wearing Hillary shirt.]

Kyle: Sir, are you sure I can’t bring you that coffee? We still only have 2%.

Benie Sanders: I’ll take the 2%.

[The End]