Tag: Jeff Sessions

Meet the Parents Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Assistant… Heidi Gardner

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Robert Mueller… Robert De Niro.

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence in the office of Department of Justice, Washington, DC.]

Jeff Sessions: I don’t know, Mr. Vice President. I feel like I say this every week but this week was bad. I’m beginning to regret my wish to become a real boy. I toss and turn in my shoebox all night wondering what’s FBI gonna do next?

Mike Pence: I know. I know. We’re in a real pickle here, Jeff. And you know how uncomfortable I am around pickles.

Jeff Sessions: Yes. I can’t believe they raided Michael Cohen’s office. What are we gonna do, Mike?

Mike Pence: The important thing ti s to stay calm. In couple of months, the president will be back to normal.

Jeff Sessions: How’s that?

Mike Pence: Coz it will be me.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s good. That’s good.

[Assistant walks in the door]

Assistant: Excuse me, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Are they here for us? [raising his both hands up] I’ll go peacefully.

Assistant: No. It’s not the police. The president’s lawyer, Michael Cohen is here to see you.

Jeff Sessions: Oh! Finally. By all means, send him in.

[Michael Cohen walks in]

Michael Cohen: Hey. Hey. How you doing? That’s right, it’s Michael Cohen, attorney at law. You know. sometimes also not in law.

Jeff Sessions: Mr. Cohen, this situation is out of hand.

Michael Cohen: I know. Can you believe what they’re doing to poor Mr. Trump? It’s a disgrace. This whole raid was a complete violation of attorney criminal privilege.

Mike Pence: Well, if you have nothing to hide, then you have nothing to worry about.

Michael Cohen: Is that a joke? Look, we got a real problem here, Jeff. You know how much evidence I have in my office? I’m Donald Trump’s lawyer. I got a whole hard drive that’s just labelled “Yanks.”

Mike Pence: I have to say, some of these allegations against you are quite disturbing, Mr. Cohen. Like, how you paid $1.6 million for a top republican mistress to have an abortion.

Michael Cohen: Yeah. 1.6 million for your abortion. Thank you Obamacare! This is all your fault, Jeff. You shouldn’t have recused yourself. You should have protected Mr. Trump. He’s a fragile flower. And he also happens to be the smartest, kindest, sexiest, least colluding man on this planet which I call earth.

Jeff Sessions: [whispering to Mike Pence] Okay, he’s just a fool dumb, dumb now. [to Michael Cohen] Michael, the reason we brought you here today is that there’s someone who would like to speak with you.

Michael Cohen: Oh, great! Who?

Mike Pence: Don’t worry about it. He’s down the hall waiting for you.

Jeff Sessions: And remember, whatever happens, you have our full support, okay? So, right this way. [walking Michael Cohen out] Thank you so much. Thank you for coming in. [Michael Cohen walks out] I cannot wait to see that little dummy burn.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Jeff Sessions and Mike Pence do the high-five.] [Cut to Michael Cohen walking into the interrogation room. There’s a polygraph machine on the table.]

Michael Cohen: What is this place?

[Robert Mueller walks in from another door.]

Robert Mueller: Looking for something, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Robert Mueller?

Robert Mueller: Why don’t you have a seat, Mr. Cohen? [Robert Mueller gives the wires of polygraph machine to Michael Cohen] Here, put these on. You’ve ever used a lie detector before?

Michael Cohen: I feel like I have.

Robert Mueller: Great!

Michael Cohen: Look. I want you to know I will gladly go to jail to protect Mr. President Trump.

Robert Mueller: Just relax, Mr. Cohen. If you’re innocent, you have nothing to worry about. I’ll start with some easy ones. How’d you like that peepee tape?

Michael Cohen: What?

Robert Mueller: I’m kidding. Relax. We’ll get to that later. Is your name Michael Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: And you’re a lawyer?

Michael Cohen: Ish.

Robert Mueller: Did you have– did you make a payment of $130,000 to Stormy Daniels?

Michael Cohen: Yes.

Robert Mueller: Did president Trump know about it?

Michael Cohen: No.

[Polygraph machine starts making noise]

Robert Mueller: I think you’re lying.

Michael Cohen: It was supposed to be a surprise for Stormy. Like a gift.

Robert Mueller: A gift?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. A gift. Like rock you throw through a window with a note tied to it that says “Stop talking.”

Robert Mueller: So you threaten people?

Michael Cohen: Directly? No. But, let’s just say I’ve cut a lot of letters out of a lot of a magazines. I was just trying to milk some information out of people. So what?

Robert Mueller: Did you say milk?

Michael Cohen: Yeah. Like, with a cow or a goat or a… cat. I mean, you can milk anything with nipples.

Robert Mueller: Really? I have nipples. Can you milk me, Mr. Cohen?

Michael Cohen: Look, Mr. Mueller, this entire Russian investigation is a witch hunt and your whole team is prejudiced against the president.

Robert Mueller: Not true. In fact, we use code names so personal feelings never come in to it.

Michael Cohen: Yeah? What’s president Trump’s code name?

Robert Mueller: It used to be Putin’s little bitch. Now, it’s Stormy’s little bitch.

Michael Cohen: What about Ivanka’s code name?

Robert Mueller: Girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Jared Kushner?

Robert Mueller: Other girlfriend.

Michael Cohen: Don Jr. and Eric?

Robert Mueller: Two fradles.

Michael Cohen: What about my code name?

Robert Mueller: Dead man walking.

Michael Cohen: Look, I don’t have to take this from you. I have rights.

Robert Mueller: Now, you listen to me you little weasel. I don’t know what rights you think you have. You broke the law. And now we’re gonna catch all you little fakers, you got that?

Michael Cohen: Okay. Okay. But I will tell you this.

Michael Cohen and Robert Mueller: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Anderson Cooper White House Turmoil Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Michael Wolf… Fred Armisen

Anthony Scaramucci… Bill Hader

[Starts with Anderson Cooper 360 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I’m Anderson Cooper and if you ever wondered what’s whiter than St. Patrick’s day, you’re looking at it. Tonight, a White House making big moves. FBI deputy director Andrew McCabe was out, fired late on Friday, a day before he was able to receive his pension. Here to explain is the man who had to do the firing, attorney general Jeff Sessions.

[Cut to split screen with Anderson Cooper and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Look at me. I still got a job.

Anderson Cooper: Sir, can you give us the exact reason McCabe was fired?

Jeff Sessions: Well, yes. Of course. Mr. McCabe was in clear violation because of his lack of candor– what– I don’t know. I can’t even dance around. Trump made me do it. McCabe saw too much. You know?

Anderson Cooper: Okay. So, this was not your decision?

Jeff Sessions: Look, I’m always down to clown but this was sneaky even for me. I’m just a simple man who wanted to make things bad for immigrants. And now, here I am taking away the pension of a Christian white. It ain’t right.

Anderson Cooper: Well, there are rumors that you might be the next to go.

Jeff Sessions: Well, frankly, I can’t believe I lasted this long. I’m like the energizer bunny. I keep going and going and I drink water like this. [making face] But look, y’all need me right now coz if I get fired, it’s gonna launch Robert Mueller right into space. But if I do go, don’t worry. I’m still going to weak havoc. Like Taraji P. Henson said, I can do bad all by myself.

Anderson Cooper: Thank you, Mr. Sessions. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] This week has brought several high profile firing from the Trump administration including secretary of state, Rex Tillerson who joins me now.

[Rex Tillerson is sitting beside Anderson Cooper]

Rex Tillerson: How are you doing? [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Quite well, sir. Quite well. Now, the way it went down must have been a little embarrassing for you but you’ve been pretty gracious about your exit.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. It just wasn’t a good fit. But, these things happen.

Anderson Cooper: Now, it was widely reported that you were fired by a tweet from the president.

Rex Tillerson: Well, that’s not true. John Kelly called me personally. He said, “Where are you?” I said, “Sir, that’s private.” He said, “Oh, good. Are you in the toilet? Coz I got some news.”

Anderson Cooper: Are you okay?

Rex Tillerson: I’m– I’m fine. [Rex Tillerson drinks a lot of water] It’s just crazy how one day you’re the CEO of Exxon,  a $50 billion company, and the next day you get fired by a man who used to sell steaks in the mail.

[Rex Tillerson crushes the class he was holding.]

Anderson Cooper: Rex Tillerson is obviously still processing this. [Cut to Anderson Cooper] Joining me now are two people who have a first hand knowledge of White House dysfunction. Fire and Fury author Michael Wolf and Trump’s Communications Director for eleven days, Anthony Scaramucci.

[Cut to Michael Wolf and Anthony Scaramucci] [cheers and applause]

Anthony Scaramucci: How you doing? Hello, it’s me the mooch! Like these threads? It’s for suit made by the Olive garden. Oh!

[Cut to all]

Anderson Cooper: Mr. Scramucci, it’s been a while. What have you been up to lately?

Anthony Scaramucci: Lately? What was I up to before? Nobody knows. The fidget spinner. The Trump White House. I made a big splash. Then one day, everybody was like, “Whoa! What the hell was that about?” Speaking of fading away, Rexi, I’m really sorry about what happened. You and I, we’re kind of the same now.

Rex Tillerson: Ha-ha-ha-ha. No.

Anthony Scaramucci: Still, Rexi, it was a big shock.

Michael Wolf: Oh, please! I knew months ago.

Anderson Cooper: Now Mr. Wolf, you saw the dysfunction of the White House up close. Is it as bad as they say?

Michael Wolf: Oh, it’s worse. Much worse. people don’t know this but Trump would line up his staff and use a laser pointer and circle their love handles everyday.

Anderson Cooper: Wow! Is that really true?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Gentlemen, any insights into–

Rex Tillerson: [yelling] Trump is a moron! Ha-ha-ha. I’m sorry. I just blurted that one out. Whoo! Feels nice to say what I want. Call Jurassic Park coz Rexi is loose.

Anderson Cooper: Yeah. Well, that was very startling. Now, any insight into who’s next to go?

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah. Jared Kushner is toast, baby. Look, you didn’t hear this from me but the guy is in debt up to his cajones. The Russians, the Saudis, Tommy Toupee down at the Aqueduct. Hold on, you’re not recording this, right?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. We’re on live TV.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, Anthony, you stepped in it again. Mabagagoli!

Anderson Cooper: And now that McCabe is out, any insight into who Trump will pick to run the FBI?

Michael Wolf: Right. Well, my sources tell me the job is down to two candidates. Milwaukee sheriff David Clark or the president’s favorite TV detective, Monk.

Anderson Cooper: Are you sure about that?

Michael Wolf: Oh, come on. It sounds right. Doesn’t it?

Anderson Cooper: I suppose.

Michael Wolf: Okay, well, I don’t know. Shut up? It’s all in my new book.

Anderson Cooper: Wait. Hold on. You’re writing another book about the White House? Yeah. And this one’s gonna blow your mind. Now, I’m not in the White House anymore but I have a new source that tells me everything.

Anthony Scaramucci: Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about this guy. What a rat. Completely off the record, it’s me. Wait, is this being recorded?

Anderson Cooper: Yes. Yes. We’re still on live television.

Anthony Scaramucci: Yei-ga-sheba-gola-gaba-gaga-garli! [to Michael Wolf] You’re not going to mention me by name, right?

Michael Wolf: Of course, I am.

Anthony Scaramucci: You’re gonna make me look good, right?

Michael Wolf: [raises his shoulder] Yeah.

Anthony Scaramucci: I love this guy. I love. [Anthony Scaramucci starts kissing Michael Wolf’s forehead]

Anderson Cooper: Alright. Now let’s take a break. When we come back, we’ll have the first returns from the Russian election.

Rex Tillerson: Putin won. Just a hunch.

Anderson Cooper: We’re gonna take a quick break. But first…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Presidential Address Cold Open

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Dianne Feinstein… Cecily Strong

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Anderson Cooper Mike Pence60 intro] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set] [cheers and applause]

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and this is CNN, your number one source for impeachment porn. This has been a week of shocking revelations out of the White House not least of which is the ongoing debate over gun control and the wake of the tragic school shooting in Florida. At times like this, we look to our leaders for guidance. But instead we’ll hear from Donald Trump, who has called the second bipartisan symposium where he will read a prepared statement.

[Cut to Donald Trump and his cabinet at bipartisan meeting] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Tonight, I am here to bring you a message of healing and a show of unity along with Mike Pence and senator Dianne Feinstein.

Dianne Feinstein: Yeah.

Donald Trump: Last week, I met with a group of teenage survivors of gun violence and I wanna reassure them once again that [Donald Trump pulls out a paper and reads it] I her you and I care. Rent “Lego Ninjago” movie– sorry. Eric scribbled some notes in there too. But it’s clear something has to change. We have to take a hard look at mental health which I have so much of. I have one of the healthiest mentals. My mentals is so high that we have to respect the law. Believe me, no one loves the second amendment and do a process more than me. But maybe, we just take everyone’s guns away. Okay? Nobody is allowed to have a gun. Not even whites.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: Did we like that? Dianne loves that. She hasn’t been this excited since women were allowed to get jobs. But, oh! Look at Mike. He hates it. Don’t worry, Mike. I met with the NRA. They gave me $30 million good reasons not to change a thing. So, it’s all good. [coughs] [to Mike Pence] We still friends, right? We still friends, Mike? [Mike Pence is feeling uncomfortable. Donald Trump puts his hand on Mike Pence’s.] Look at him. He’s so uncomfortable. He hates this.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Donald Trump: He’s worried this is a gateway touch. But the youth of America deserve to feel safe and secure in their schools because folks, I can only run into so many schools and save everybody. If I could, I’d run into all of them. Even without a weapon, I burst through the doors and I’d be running so fast. I’m actually a fast runner. People don’t know that about me. I’d be running so fast, the guy with the gun wouldn’t even know what hit him. Bing, bing, ding, dong, dang. He’s finished. Okay? So, the schools are safe now. But I wouldn’t stop there coz I’m on a role. I just keep running and running. I’d run to North Korea, again, competing unarmed. I’d fight their rocket man. Ping, pong, pang, ping, ping, poom. I’d pick him up and throw him right over the Great Wall of Korea.

If I have to make America’s school safe all by myself, I will. Just like how I’m running the White House all by myself. Because these people who work for me keep resigning. Hope Hicks, she’s like a daughter to me. So smart, so hot. She resigned. You know, I hate seeing her go but I love watching her walk away. Boom, boom, boom, boom. I mean Jared Kushner is basically the hottest chick left in the place. And he’s probably going to jail soon, so he’s out. But that should be it, okay? I mean, everyone else is staying, right? Big Master, you’re staying, am I right? [the chair is empty already] He’ll always stand by my side. Great guy. Anyway, if we’re going to stop this gun violence, we need to work together. Whites, blacks, even some of the good immigrants. Do we call them grants. I’m gonna call them grants. Okay. Because we need to heal this great country of ours and it really is one of the best, top five. We could do better. I mean, they’re all beating us. Gina (China), Japan, Wakanda. Okay? Wakanda is laughing at us. Right? They’ve got flying cars, people in Wkanda. That’s why I announced the steel and aluminum tariff this week. People are going nuts about it. I brought back the steel industry by destroying the auto industry and tanking the stock market. Impressive.

[Mike Pence and Dianne Feinstein are annoyed]

Look at them. Both sides hated it. I don’t care. I said I was going to run this country like a business. That business is a Waffle house at 2 AM. [cheers and applause] Crazies everywhere. Staff walking out in the middle of their shift. Managers taking money out of the cash register to pay off the Russian mob. But maybe we o just take all the guns away.

Dianne Feinstein: [excited] Ooh. Ooh. Ooh.

Donald Trump: She loves it. She’s looking at me like a cartoon pork chop. Okay. She’s great. All the people here are great except Jeff Sessions. He needs to go. I call him Mr. Magoo. Everyone loves it. People around here in the White House say, “Stop! I’m laughing so hard. I can’t take it anymore. I resign.”

[Jeff Sessions stands from Donald Trump’s behind]

Jeff Sessions: That’s very funny, Mr. President. But, I’m not going anywhere. [laughing] I’m like skunk stink on a bird dog, sir. I linger. And I just had dinner with all your friends at the Department of Justice and wow! Your name popped up more than a weasel in a pumpkin patch. That’s right, Mr. President. You can’t bully me anymore. For the first time, I’m standing up on my own high legs. [holding Donald Trump on his shoulders] Okay, how about we say it together for old time’s sake? Huh?

Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: This week attorney general Jeff Sessions testified before house judiciary committee over Trump campaign’s contact with Russia. Here to comment is Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: Hello. Hot potato! Good to see you, Colin.

Colin Jost: Good to see you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: When I say ‘I do not”, you say ‘Recall’. I do not–

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: I do not.

Audience: Recall.

Jeff Sessions: Ha! Thank you.

Colin Jost: That’s great.

Jeff Sessions: Now, that’s a recall and response, Colin. My catch phrase.

Colin Jost: Yeah. Yeah. I noticed you said that a lot during testimony. Do you really not remember meeting with George Papadopoulos about Russia?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, Colin, I’ve actually had some memory problems stemming from a childhood trauma.

Colin Jost: A childhood trauma? What was that?

[Cut to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, the passing of the civil rights act.

[Cut to Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Alright. I’m gonna ask you some questions now, attorney general Sessions. I’m asking questions. Do you think you can answer then truthfully?

Jeff Sessions: Yeb.

Colin Jost: Did you just say yeb?

Jeff Sessions: Nobe.

Colin Jost: Did you meet any Trump surrogates with Russia?

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall. [whispering] You know I recall.

Colin Jost: Do you remember Mr. Papadopoulos mentioning the Russian government?

Jeff Sessions: Um, I do not remember him talking about Russia. [whispering] I remember everything.

Colin Jost: And you’re under pressure from president Trump to investigate the Clinton foundation. Do you think you’ll investigate.

Jeff Sessions: Well, actually, I do not believe that there is enough evidence at this time. [whispering] We’re definitely gonna do it.

Colin Jost: Okay. At some point, you actually have to stop lying because you are under oath. You know? I mean, you could go to jail. [Jeff Sessions stops moving] Mr. Sessions? Mr. Sessions, are you playing dead?

[Jeff Sessions has a tail. His tail is carrying a board that says “Yes”.]

Jeff Sessions: Oh, tail. That’s my possum tail. You ratted me out again. Get down, tail! He’s crazy but he’s family.

Colin Jost: Okay. Well, with all this going on, I’m sure you are looking forward to thanksgiving?

Jeff Sessions: Absolutely, my cousin Linda from the possum side of the family just had a litter of nine babies. They are so cute. Oh, man, you could just eat them up. And we’re gonna et at least four of them. We go overboard on the holidays, Colin.

Colin Jost: Well, thank you very much for coming by, Mr. Sessions.

Jeff Sessions: Well, thank you for having me so much. And in collusion, happy thanksgiving, everybody.

Colin Jost: Jeff sessions, everyone.

Jeff Sessions: I do not recall!

Roy Moore & Jeff Sessions Cold Open

Heidi gardner

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Roy Moore… Mikey Day

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Heidi and Mike Pence in Vice President’s office]

Heidi: Mr. Vice President, Alabama senate candidate Roy Moore is here.

Mike Pence: Great, send him in.

[Roy Moore walks in. he is wearing a cowboy hat.[

[Heidi walks out.] [cheers and applause]

Roy Moore: How are you doing, Mike?

Mike Pence: Roy, I don’t have to tell you that the senate hangs in the balance. We are trying to pass a tax reform plan this year to bring Mr. Trump’s list of big legislative accomplishments to one. We can’t lose your seat this December.

Roy Moore: Yes, sir.

Mike Pence: Now, I know you’re Bannon’s guy but this latest news about you is concerning. Voters in Alabama will never elect someone who has had relations with a minor.

Roy Moore: You sure about that?

Mike Pence: No. Alabama is quite a place. But we can’t take chances.

Roy Moore: Mike, look, it’s all lies. I’m not that guy.

Mike Pence: Perhaps, roy, perhaps. But it’s hard to convince people that you are not into young girls when you dress like Woody from Toy Story.

Roy Moore: Come on. The left wing media loves to repeat these sexual harassment stories. There is a new every day, Mike.

Mike Pence:  I know, even I heard about Louis C.K. and I’m only allowed to listen to the TV. But this girl who accused you was 14 years old, Roy. You have got to do the right thing here.

Roy Moore: Alright. If everyone thinks I did it, I’ll marry her.

Mike Pence: No, Roy, no. No, Roy. I want you to consider stepping aside. Don’t think of it as ending your campaign. Think of it as going to conversion therapy to turn yourself into someone who is no longer a candidate.

Roy Moore: I mean, come on, sir, do we have to do it this way? Can’t we just call the boss?

Mike Pence: Sorry, I’m not going to call Vladimir Putin about this. Now, I can’t make you do anything, Roy, but I want you to think long and hard about this. I will give you a couple of minutes to consider.

[Mike Pence walks out]

Roy Moore: Oh, dang! What a pickle this is. What am I gonna do?

[Jeff Sessions comes out of a cupboard] [cheers and applause]

Jeff Sessions: You’re gonna drop out, that’s what you’re gonna do.

Roy Moore: Hey, Jeff Sessions, what are you doing here?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I was just doing what I always do. Cooking up nightmares for children. It’s good I”m here because I have been meaning to talk to you. Have a seat.

Roy Moore: alright.

Jeff Sessions: Now, Roy, you’ve been doing some controversial stuff. You wave a gun around on stage. Tell folks Muslims shouldn’t be allowed in the congress and that9/11 was god’s punishment for sodomy. I love it. You check a lot of boxes for me, Roy.

Roy Moore: Thank you, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: But, this is really bad. I’m usually the creepiest one in the room bu tI look at you and I’m like, “Oh, my god.” I got the goose flesh. They say you even admitted to being with a couple of 16 year olds.

Roy Moore: Oh, come on, Jeff. You know I was just kidding.

Jeff Sessions: Ah! Alright, that’s a relief.

Roy Moore: No. Kidding is the term I use for dating young ladies.

Jeff Sessions: Alright! Alright, get on out of here. I’m Alabama but you, sir, are too Alabama. Get out. [Roy Moore walks out] Get on. Leave me to my Gerrymandering. Oh, Papa, I need some advice. [Jeff Sessions pulls out an animal doll] Papa, what’s going on? I want to be happy again. I want to go back to the senate, daddy. I’ll be good. I’ll talk to Kamala Harris. I promise. But there are so many men out there acting like monsters. Harvey Weinstein, Kevin Spacey, the president. Daddy, has this been happening forever? Have I and benefitted from a system of oppression? No? Well, that’s a relief. I love you daddy. Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Paul Manafort’s House Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Paul Manafort… Alex Moffat

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Donald Trump visiting Paul Manafort] [door bell ringing. Paul Manafort opens the door. Donald Trump walks in with two security guards.]

Paul Manafort: Oh, Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Hey, Paul. I just came by to check up on you.

[cheers and applause]

Paul Manafort: Um, of course. I’m embarrassed. I only wore a casual $10,000 suit, you know? I thought you were on your way to Asia.

Donald Trump: Everybody does. But in fact, I sent Melania along with a very convincing look alike.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: Donald, why are you so quiet? Okay, then for the first time in 10 years, let me tell you about my day.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort]

Donald Trump: Paul, believe me. My staff is much happier that that look alike is going. They were terrified that when I got to Gina (mocking China) I would do the slant eyes thing like the guy on the Houston Astros. Hilarious, by the way.

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah.

Donald Trump: Politically correct now. Everything is so politically correct. I’m surprised you can even say ‘Oriental rugs’ anymore. By the way, these are fantastic. [talking about the carpet]

Paul Manafort: Oh, yeah. Thanks. I got a great deal, only a million bucks because I paid cash.

Donald Trump: God, you screwed. Just so, so screwed. It’s a shame. You are going to prison because I was about to give you a huge tax break. We’re calling my tax plan cut, cut, cut, because it was named while I was having a small stroke. Speaking of cuts, do you have a good shiv you can bring with you to prison with you Paul? Because after the stuff I said about certain ethnic groups, they re going to go to town on you in prison.

Paul Manafort: Well, listen. Whatever happens, sir, I won’t betray you.

Donald Trump: I trust you, Paul. But just in case we re going to have to take this conversation somewhere else.

Paul Manafort: But I’m under house arrest. I’m wearing an ankle bracelet.

Donald Trump: We’re not leaving the house. Besides, everyone thinks I just left Hawaii.

[Cut to Melania sitting  in airplane with a pillow Donald Trump]

Melania: This whole trip, you were so dignified, you know? When we were in Hawaii and they offered you a ley, you didn’t make the usual tasteless joke. Also, you didn’t call Pearl Harbor fake news. And for once, you didn’t finish my dinner. Who knew that just by keeping your mouth shut, you could seem so presidential. Donald, have you been working out? Oh, Donald, I hope I remember how to do this.

[Melania leans towards Donald Trump] [Cut to Donald Trump and Paul Manafort in the shower topless.]

Donald Trump: I brought you to the shower to make sure you weren’t wearing a wire, Paul. That’s why we’re going to do this Gone Girl’s style.

Paul Manafort: Mr. President, I would never do that with you.

Donald Trump: That’s what she said. Like a whole bunch of she’s have said that. Speaking of which, what an idiot that Harvey Weinstein is. He could have gotten away with all of it if ony he had gotten himself elected president. Body wash?

[Donald Trump passes the body wash to Paul Manafort]

I have a proposition for you, Paul. All I need from you is to go to prison for a very, very long time. In return, I still get to be president which I hate but I’m too proud do quit. Does that sound fair?

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President–

[Mike Pence walks in the shower]

Mike Pence: Here, let me get your back. [Mike Pence takes the scrubber and scrubs Paul Manafort’s back]

Paul Manafort: Mike Pence? Why are you wearing a suit in the shower?

Mike Pence: Well, because I’m not married to the water.

Donald Trump: I wanted Mike to get his hands dirty too, okay? Because if I’m going down, I’m taking church lady with me. Mike, say cheese. [Donald Trump takes a picture of Paul Manafort and Mike Pence] There we go. If you say anything about this, Mike, I’ll text that photo straight to Jesus.

Paul Manafort: Well, Mr. President, can’t you just pardon me?

Donald Trump: Unfortunately, it’s not that simple. But we have a plan. A great plan. Isn’t that right, Jeff?

[Jeff Sessions joins them in the shower]

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. Do you want a loofah?

Donald Trump: I’m all your’s, Jeff. I’m all your’s.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Hi. I’m wearing a bathing costume that I got from my favorite place, the 1890s. Plus, I thought we should all get used to wearing stripes.

Donald Trump: Don’t worry. You won’t go to prison, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, I know. Coz I’m a sneaky lying little villain. If mean old Mr. Mueller comes after me, I’m just going to roll over and play dead like half possum that I am.

Donald Trump: As Jeff has pointed out, I can’t pardon you now. It would look too suspicious.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. So we concocted a genius solution, Mr. Manafort. I dropped my loofah. Oh, don’t worry. My trustee little tail is going to get it. [Jeff Sessions has a tail that is holding the loofah behind him] Now, as I was saying, we have an ingenious solution.

Donald Trump: Here’s the plan, Paul. I can’t pardon you now. But we’re gonna wait a few weeks and then dress you up like a turkey. And then, we’ll pardon you.

Jeff Sessions: It is a foolproof plan.

Donald Trump: Well, there is a small chance that I’ll screw that up too and my family will end up eating you for thanksgiving. So hang in there, Paul. And–

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Weekend Update- Al Franken and Jeff Sessions

Colin Jost

Al Franken… Alex Moffat

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Minnesota senator Al Franken has accused Attorney General Jeff Sessions of having pressured him and perjured himself during senate testimony in response to a question Franken himself asked. Here with a follow up Q&A are senator Franken and Attorney General Sessoins.

[Al Franken and Jeff Sessions slide in]

Jeff Sessions: Well, hello there. Hello.

Colin Jost: Yes. Yes. It’s really great to see you guys.

Jeff Sessions: Well, it’s so great to be here. And it’s always a pleasure to see you, Al.

Al Franken: Yeah, Jeff, the pleasure is mine. This ordeal has been fun for everyone.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow!

Colin Jost: Yeah, I’m actually surprised to see the two of you here together.

[Cut to Al Franken and Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, people don’t realize this, but Al and I are actually great friends.

Al Franken: That’s overstating.

Jeff Sessions: You know, I once took Al Whitewater rafting on the Chattahoochee river and Al showed up Jew stuff.

Al Franken: We had lunch at a Deli, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Exactly. He taught me how to say “Schmear.” Schmear! I’d never seen balls in a soup before. Yeah.

Al Franken: They were Matzah balls, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know me. No questions asked. Right? And speaking of questions, it is true you caught old Br’er Sessions in the liar patch again? And I’m powerful. Sorry, my friends. So, may I correct the record?

Al Franken: Okay. Can you place your hand on the bible, please?

Jeff Sessions: Of course. [Jeff Sessions pulls out a plastic hand and puts it on the bible] Let’s rodeo, partner.

Al Franken: Oh! Mr. Sessions, it appears you’ve placed a halloween-typed prop in place of your actual hand.

Jeff Sessions: Well, you did not specify my biological hand, senator Franken. This is my orphan hand. I’m a danger to the country.

Al Franken: Well, could you please place your normal human hand on the bible?

Jeff Sessions: Ooh, you are a tricky raccoon, senator. Alright, you got me there. But then again, I’m just a simple country liar.

Al Franken: Um, are you saying ‘lawyer’ or ‘liar’?

Jeff Sessions: What’s that? I’m sorry. These ears are just decorative.

Al Franken: Okay. Put her there.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. Alright.

Al Franken: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you god?

Jeff Sessions: Alababy.

Al Franken: Excuse me?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, that’s an Alabama maybe.

Al Franken: Oh my god.

Jeff Sessions: Or a baby dressed up like Aladdin. Not that he’d be ‘Aladdin’ (allowed in) the country.

Al Franken: Unbelievable.

Jeff Sessions: It’s a travel ban and I helped.

Al Franken: Mr. Sessions, why do you deny meeting with Russian officials when you had met with the Russian ambassador twice?

Jeff Sessions: Well, you know, I was all distracted. I was trying to evade these dastardly accusations of being a racist, which I am not. But where I live, racism is simply part of the landscape.

Al Franken: And where do you live?

Jeff Sessions: The 1950s.

Al Franken: I cannot believe you were confirmed.

Jeff Sessions: Me neither. What can I say? I might talk cute, but I am very scary.

[Cut to Al Franken, Jeff Sessions and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Al Franken and Jeff Sessions, everyone.

Jeff Sessions Gump Cold Open

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Minny… Octavia Spencer

[Starts with Jeff Sessions and Leslie sitting down on a bench of a park. This sketch is mimicking of the movie Forest Gump.]

Jeff Sessions: Hello, my name if Jeff. Jeff Sessions. Would you like a chocolate?
Leslie: No, thank you.

Jeff Sessions: Alright, well, I’m gonna have one. I’m the Attorney General of the whole United States. I got to meet the president and everything. He shook my hand like this. [shows how he shook his hand] Being in the government is so fun. Have you ever been in it?

Leslie: No, never.

Jeff Sessions: Alright. We meet so many nice people. Like this. [showing her a picture] This is my best good friend Kellyanne. She ain’t got no legs. Why you ain’t got no legs, Kellyanne? We’re about as close as pease and carrots. She’s a best talker you ever heard. They say she could sell stink to a skink. But they don’t let her talk anymore. I miss you Kelly. You sure you don’t want chocolate? [Leslie shakes her head] I always say, life is like a box of chocolate. Sure are a whole lot of brown ones in there.

[Jeff Sessions takes one chocolate out and eats it staring at Leslie]

Leslie: No!

[Leslie stands and takes a bus]

Jeff Sessions: Alright, have a good day.

[Kyle sits beside Jeff Sessions]

I was in the cover of “The New York Times.” You wanna see?

Kyle: It says you might have committed perjury.

Jeff Sessions: Yeah. I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech. Folks were thrilled on the account of it was real word on a roll for a whole hour. We was all as happy as monkey with a peanut machine. Then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do. So my lawyer said, “Run, Jeffy, run.” And I started running and running. I ended up all the way sitting at this bus stop with you.

Kyle: Well, it’s a nice day for that.

Jeff Sessions: Hmm. This whole mess began with a congressional hearing. This senator from up north started asking me all these question about Russian, on if I ever talked to them. I got so nervous and confused. I got about as worked up as a double donged piggy in a room full of sows. So I said, “No, I never talked to no Russians ever.” That’s all I got to say about that.

[a bus passes by. Now Aidy is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I met with a fellow who turned out to be Russian on the account of he was the Russian ambassador. His name was Sergie Kisleya. Now, I remember any name with the words ‘gay kiss’ in it. But I was the only one who talked to the Russians. Well, me and Michael Flynn. And J.D. GORDON. So it’s just me, Michael Flynn and J.D. Gordon.  And Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. So, me, Michael Flynn, J.D. Gordon and Jared Kushner at Trump Tower. And Carter Page. And that’s all I got to say about that. And Paul Manifort. I’m gonna have another one of these chocolates. I wish I could go back to the White House and see Mr. Trump. I miss you, Donnie. Democrats want me to resign. I just got to prove to everybody that I don’t have any ties to the Russians what so ever.

[a bus passes by. Now Vladimir Putin is sitting beside Jeff Sessions]

Vladimir Putin: This meeting never happened.

Jeff Sessions: I wasn’t going to remember it anyway.

[a bus passes by. Now Minny from ‘The Help’ walks in and sits beside Jeff Sessions]

Minny: Hello.

Jeff Sessions: Hello.

Minny: Are you Jeff Sessions?

Jeff Sessions: Yes, ma’am. I am.

Minny: The one Coretta Scott King wrote the letter about?

Jeff Sessions: Oh, wow! Well, that was 40 years ago. You still remember that?

Minny: Oh, a lot of people in Alabama remember that, sir. My name’s Minny, you don’t know me, I am from a different movie. And I have a pie that I baked especially for you. [Minny gives a pie to Jeff Sessions]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. That is a mighty kind gesture. Thank you. It looks delicious. Hey, is this what I think it is.

Minny: It is.

[Minny stands and walks away]

Jeff Sessions: Hmm, my favorite. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Sean Spicer Press Conference Cold Open (Melissa McCarthy)

Sean Spicer… Melissa McCarthy

Glen Thrush… Bobby Moynihan

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Mikey Day

Vanessa Bayer

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: We now go live to the Daily White House press briefing with press secretary Sean Spicer.

[Cut to Sean Spicer on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Sean Spicer: Alright everyone, be quiet. Be seated. Sit down. Sit down. Alright. First of all, I’ld like to announce I am calm now. And I will remain calm as long as you sons of– I’m not gonna do that because that’s is the old spicy. And this is the new spicy. And I have been told that I must cut back on the gum chewing so I am now limiting myself to one slice a day. [showing a huge gum] So, I’m going to enjoy my one and only and you can just sit and watch. [Sean Spicer opens the huge gum and chews it. Then puts it on the podium.] I’ll get back to you later. Now, I’d like to begin with president’s schedule. Three PM, president Trump will meet with the leader from Central Asia, president… oh, boy, [not being able to read the president’s name] Asma-back-atima-baby. OKay? To discuss the unrest in Kahaga– [not being able to read the country’s place] Kahagasthan. Specifically in.. Arabara– [not being able to read the place’s name] Arawanaabag. So, write that. And they will be joined by his wife… um, I’m just gonna pass on that one. You know what? Let’s just call her Connie. Alright? Okay, did that. Now, I’m going to open this up for questions. And I’m gonna probably freak if you start asking stupid ones. Speaking of freaks and stupid ones, , Glenn Thrush, New York Times, stupid hat, so.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: Look, I just wanted to know what the president intends to do now that the appeals court denied his request to stop the travel ban?

[Cut to Sean Spicer breathing heavy]

Sean Spicer: [looking above] You’re testing me, big guy. Look, it’s simple. If the appeals court won’t do what’s right, president Trump will see them in court. Specifically, the people’s court.

[Cut to Glenn Thrush]

Glenn: That isn’t real.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [mocking Glenn] Uh, that isn’t real. I’m Glenn, and I’m not really– [yelling] It is real, Glenn! It says that right before each case, Glen. It says cases are real. The rulings are final. Don’t f* with me Glenn. Next question. It’s turkey.

[Cut to Mikey]

Mikey: Um, the president has said there should be a test to see if immigrants truly love America. What would that test even be?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Um, it’s easy, it’s extreme vetting. Extreme vetting.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa: Um, what does that mean? Extreme vetting?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: What does it mean? It means it’s extreme! Okay? You know what? Spicy is going to explain it so you dumb babies can understand it. So I guess I can’t use my big words. I’m gonna have to use my dollies.

[Sean Spicer steps aside. There are two boxes in front of him]

Alright? You ready for dollies so you can understand what’s going on? Here’s how it’s going to go down. You’ve got your TSA agent right here, okay? [showing an action figure] And first you have a barbie coming in. [showing a barbie doll] Nice American girl back from a dream vacation. We know she’s okay because she’s blonde. So she gets in. [throwing the barbie inside another box] Easy. We understand that perfect. Now who’s up next? [showing another black barbie] Oh-oh! It’s Moana.  Whoa, whoa, slow your roll, honey. And then we are going to pat her down and then we’re gonna read her emails. And if we don’t like the answers which we won’t, boom! Guantanamo Bay.

[Sean Spicer walks back to the podium]

Alright, let’s go! Next question.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Yes. Earlier this week, you said there was a terrorist attack in Atlanta.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [laughing] Um, yeah. I said that wrong when I said it, and then you wrote it, which makes you wrong. Because when I say something wrong, you guys should know what it is I mean? Wrong or right, you are wrong. And that’s why you’re here. Obviously I meant Orlanta.

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Orlando.

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: [getting angry] You know what? [Sean Spicer picks up the gum she had put on the podium and throws it to Sasheer] Okay? Look, the problem is all these terrorist instances and incidents that you are not reporting on. Okay? I have a whole list here that you never even write about. Never covered them once. Let’s read from the list. Okay? The Bowling Green massacre. Not the Kellyanne one. The real one. Okay? The horror in Six Flags. The slaughter at Fragglerock. The night they drove Old Dixie down. Okay? And then there was some light terrorism this week when Nordstorm’s decided to stop selling Ivanka Trump’s line of clothing and accessories. Okay? And that’s Nordstrom’s loss. Because these are high, high quality products. IN fact, I am waring one of her bangles right now. It’s beautiful, it’s shimmery, it’s elegant and at $39.99? [Details to product and phone number to buy appears on screen like those of commercial ads] It is unbelievably affordable. Okay? And don’t even get me started on her shoes. Alright? These babies are real turners. Okay, now we have brand new Attorney General and everyone is very excited about him. And he’s going to answer some questions as well as, here we go! yeah! Jeff Sessions.

[Jeff Sessions walks in]

Jeff Sessions: Thank you so much. Thank you. This is awesome. Thank you so much. I do want to say I appreciate it. The fierce debate around my nomination. Lindsay Graham came in like a porcupine. But then my friend Mitch McConnell swoop in like an alligator, bite a head off. We know there are two kinds of crime, regular and black.

[Sean Spicer runs in and pushes Jeff Sessions away]

Sean Spicer: Alright! Alright! Case made! Case made! Thank you, secretary Sessions. Now, as you know, we do need some one here to bring back law and order because places like Chicago, the murder rate is over 80%. 80% of people the people in Chicago have been murdered and are dead. And that’s on you. You did that.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: Yeah. You know what? I’m looking at the real numbers here and they directly contradict everything you said.

[Sean Spicer comes forward with a leaf blower and uses it on Cecily.]

Sean Spicer: You know what that was? That was me blowing away their dishonesty. Alright, any other questions?

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Yeah. Um, just mentally though, are you okay?

[Cut to Sean Spicer]

Sean Spicer: Are you kidding me? [This time, she has an automatic podium that runs like a bike, so she runs it to it Kyle.] Run! You better run! You don’t have a chance. And life from New York, it’s Saturday Night!