Weekend Update First Amazon Union Formed Jen Psaki to Leave White House

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Michael Che in his news set. There’s a picture of Jen Psaki at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Press Secretary Jen Psaki is reportedly leaving the White House this spring to join MSNBC. Damn she’s still at work and already has her next job lined up? That’s as crazy as some of the sketches on season 2 of “That Damn Michael Che”, this summer on HBO Max.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Staten Island and Amazon logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Workers at the Amazon warehouse in Staten Island voted to become the first Amazon workers in the country to form a union. The union explains Amazon’s new slogan, “It’d be a real shame if something happened to your package.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Men who eat meat more likely to be infertile” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: According to a new study, men who eat too much meat are raising the risk of becoming infertile. On the other hand, this dude has five kids that we know of. [Picture chages to Donald Trump]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of “The Daily Wire” logo at left top corner.]

The conservative media organization The Daily Wire said they’ll spend $100 million to create children’s programming to counter woke media companies. Programs will include

Colin Jost: “Clifford the Big straight dog”, “Encanto but an English”, and “One Fish, Two Fish, that’s how many fish genders there are”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Escaped flamingo found 17 years later” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Wildlife officials say that a flamingo that escaped from a Kansas zoo Colin Jost7 years ago has been spotted in Texas, or and hear me out, flamingos look like of the flamingos.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a bear at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wildlife officials in Tennessee have captured a 500 pound black bear living on a college campus. A black bear that, let’s face it, took the spot of more deserving white and Asian bears. [picture changes to polar bear and a panda]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Tyler Perry at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a recent interview, Tyler Perry revealed that he has used his Medea voice while having sex. Damn, dude must like sex drives hell.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Caduceus at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study shows that in the past Michael Che0 years, pre diabetes and children has more than doubled. Thanks largely to the popularity of Mountain Dew breast milk blast.

Theme Song Game

Kenan Thompson

Beck Bennett

Jen… Sasheer Zamata

Kate McKinnon

Cecily Strong

Brad… Chris Pine

[Starts with three couples playing a game in house]

Kenan: Okay, guys. Game night continues. You ready? Guess this theme. [singing] Thank you for being a friend.

Beck: Oh! Oh! It’s ‘Friends’.

Jen: Friends? No, it’s ‘Golden Girls.’

Kate: Honey, you know that.

Beck: I was close.

Kate: You weren’t close. Who’s up next?

Cecily: You know what? We haven’t gone yet.

Brad: Yeah. I think. Is it our turn?

Kenan: Yeah, guys. Go for it. Just pick a card and sing that thing.

Cecily: Okay. Alright. [picks a card]You know what? This one needs two people. Brad, do this one with me, honey.

Brad: You know what? I’m gonna grab a synthesizer.

Cecily: Oh! Should we?

Kate: No, you don’t have to do that. You can just sing it normal.

Cecily: Well, yeah. But we brought it.

Brad: It’s right behind the couch. It’s not a big issue.

Jen: It is.

Brad: Yeah.

[Jen passes the synthesizer to Brad.]

Cecily: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, let me just–

Brad: So, what are you–

Cecily: Alright, you wanna do the– you do that–

Brad: I’ll do that thing.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brad: Okay, so, five, six, seven…

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.]

Cecily: That’s right, Jie. Run to your work. Avoid your feelings. Just leave me behind without saying goodbye.

Brad: I didn’t think you cared to hear me.

Cecily: Didn’t think I care to hear it? Or didn’t have the nerve so say it to my face?

[Others are watching them with interest]

Brad: [singing] You know exactly what you mean to me

Cecily: I don’t, Joe. [Cecily and Brad stand] [ ] You keep everything up inside

Brad: That’s how my mind works flow
I said that when we met

Cecily: You guys, you know what it is yet?

Brad: Yeah. Nobody is guessing.

Cecily: Come on, it’s obvious.

[Others are now confused]

Kenan: This is a theme song from a show?

Beck: Is it Friends?

Brad: You’ll get it. Let’s keep going.

Cecily: Okay, okay.

[Brad starts playing synthesizer.] [Cecily and Brad start walking around]

Cecily: Dammit, Joe! Look at what’s happened to us. [singing] I’m leaving coz it will never change

Brad: Your expectations are too big

Cecily: I respect myself to much
to love someone who never loved me back

Brad: You know that’s not true

Kate: We don’t know this.

[Cecily and Brad walk to the window and stare outside singing.]

Cecily: [singing] You cannot handle us, Joe
You can only handle you

Brad: Then I guess there’s nothing left

Cecily and Brad: Think it’s goodbye. 

Brad: I warned you this would happen! [Brad punches and breaks the window in front of him]

Kate: My god! Is that what we just saw? He just broke our window!

Beck: His hand is cut really bad.

Cecily: Here, here, Jen. Take over the Synth, okay? Just follow along.

Brad: We’ll take it from here.

[music playing]

Cecily: [singing] Give me your hand

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: You’re bleeding

Brad: Don’t touch me

Cecily: Give me your hand, Joe
so I can wrap your wound

[Cecily tears the curtain of the window and wraps it on Brad’s wound.]

Kenan: Ay! Did she just rip our nice curtains?

Cecily: Does it hurt?

Brad: [singing] The pain was nothing compared to losing you

Cecily and Brad: I’m sorry if I hurt you
I only meant to love you

Beck: I have no idea what this is. Just grab their card.

[Kate pulls their card and looks at it]

Kate: It says Frasier.

Beck: You guys, it says Frasier!

Cecily: Yes!

Brad: That’s it!

Cecily: Well done.

Brad: You got it. Well done.

Kenan: Well, now hang on. Isn’t Frasier more like,  [singing] “say, say, baby, I hear the blues are calling
toss salad and scrambled eggs”

Cecily: No, no. Frasier is…

Cecily and Brad: [singing] I never meant to hurt you

I only meant to love you

Kate: That’s not Frasier.

Cecily: Yea. Yea, it is. It’s the broadway musical about Joe Frazier, the boxer.

Brad: The boxer. And his wife Florence Smith.

Jen: What?

Cecily: Yeah! Guys, it was written by Bradsky brother and his partner just right before they broke up. Hey, so we go again, right? Coz we got it?

Brad: Well, let’s see.

Cecily: Alright, here. You do it. [Cecily pulls a card and gives it to Brad]

Brad: Um, oh! ‘Caroline in the City’.

Kenan: Well, you just said it.

[Cecily pulls the synthesizer]

Cecily: Well, well, that’s alright. We can still do it, right? [Cecily starts playing synthesizer]

Cecily and Brad: [singing] Caroline mama’s drinking again

Kenan: I know what it is.

Jen: Oh, yeah.

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing] [door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.] [singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Christmas Sing-a-long

Jen… Kate McKinnon

Sasheer Zamata

Dan… Taran Killam

Kenan Thompson

Chris Hemsworth

Cecily Strong

[Starts with a Christmas decorated house. Three couples are singing together.] [The singing finishes]

Jen: Great job, guys.

Sasheer: We still got it.

Dan: This is too fun.

Kenan: Yeah, great party you guys. You two are the best hosts.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Oh, that reminds me, would anyone like a date with bacon wrapped around it?

[Cut to everybody]

All: Oh, absolutely.

Chris: Great! Now, I’m gonna make those for next year. Alright, what do we sing next?

Dan: Um, Carol of the bells.

Kenan: Rudolf is fun.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: How about Debra’s Time?

Chris: Honey, that’s a great idea.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Jen: I don’t think I know that song.

Sasheer: Hmm, I don’t know that song. What about ‘Oh, holy night’?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: No, let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Oh yes. Debra’s time is great.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: I don’t think anybody knows that.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Let’s do Debra’s Time.

Chris: Great! Everybody ready?

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: I’m sorry, what song are we dong?

Cecily: Oh you’ll recognize it. Let’s just try it.

Dan: Okay.

Chris: Oh, wait, wait. Um, just turn off the lamp, Dan. Please.

[Dan turns off the lamp.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily. Chris starts playing the piano beautifully.] [Chris and Cecily look very emotional]

Cecily: [singing] Checkbooks all are balanced,
Christmas bonus cleared

Ah! Relax Debra!

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.] [Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: [singing] Christmas lights all tangled
exactly as I fear


[Cecily stands up and Chris starts playing piano louder]

What did I think?

Get the presents,
do the wrapping
get the ribbons
do the packing
somehow you are
always lacking
always lacking
always lacking

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan. They are confused.] [Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Oh god, Debra! When are you gonna stop this?

Quiet! Quiet!

[Cut to everybody.]

Chris: [pointing at Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan] [whispering] Go, go.

Sasheer: Go what?

Cecily: Jen, you missed your part.

Sasheer: I did?

Chris: Yeah, I pointed you. Why didn’t you guys all come in?

Kenan: We have no idea what the song is.

Sasheer: We all know ‘Silent Night’. Why don’t we just sing that?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: I don’t know Silent Night.

Cecily: Um, my husband doesn’t know Silent Night, and he knows everything, so…

Chris: Listen, you guys have to know thI is song. It’s a Broadway standard.

Jen: Well, what show is it from?

Cecily: It’s Christmas After All by Keith and Barry William.

Chris: Look, the show wasn’t all that great, but Debra’s Time was amazing. They use it in like, every commercial.

Cecily: Yea, yea, yea. Smuckers is the one, you guys probably know.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Kenan: Yeah, I just don’t.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Well, hang in there. You’ll know in a minute. Dan, turn off one more lamp please.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: It’s getting very dark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Yes, Dan, I know. That’s the way I wanted, that’s why I said do it please. Thank you. Everyone knows this part.

[Cut to everybody. Chris stars playing the piano and Cecily walks forward dramatically.]

Cecily: [singing] Presents have been opened

Chris: And Debra’s moving on

Cecily: The holiday’s so numb

Chris: And Mark has come and gone

[Chris starts playing the piano louder]

Or have I?

Cecily: Mark? What are you doing here?
Chris: I came back for you.

Dan: What’s happening? Who is Mark?

Kenan: He’s involved with Debra, I guess.

Cecily: No, I can’t do this.

Chris: Debra, this could work. Just put your suitcase down.

Cecily: [singing] I’m not ready

Chris: Just hold steady

Chris and Cecily: Mark comes back and Debra’s cracking, smack!

Cecily: That’s when Debra hits Mark.

Chris: Smack! That’s when Mark hits her back.

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan looking annoyed.]

Kenan: What?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Why are we doing this to each other?

Chris: Because we’re freaking falling in love. Do you guys know where we are in the song now?

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Dan: [yelling] No! I can’t even tell when you’re you or when you’re Debra and Mark.

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Cecily: Oh, thank you. Honey!

Chris: Okay, okay. Maybe this will help. All the guys do this.

Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

[Cut to Jen, Sasheer, Dan and Kenan]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Cecily: And girls do this.

It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

[Cut to everybody]

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Jen, go out tone.

Jen: Got it!

Guys: Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra

Girls: It’s Debra’s Time. It’s Debra’s Time, at last..

Cecily: Big finish.

All: Don’t let it go too fast
Debra, Debra, Debra, Debra’s Time

Hah! Right back where we started. Smack!

Dan: Oh my god! I do remember.

Sasheer: I knew it from that Smacker’s commercial. Of course.

Kenan: I wanna see the Broadway show.

Jen: Is it running right now?

[Cut to Chris and Cecily]

Chris: Of course it’s running. It’s always running.

Cecily: You know what? It’s only 6:30. If we leave right now, we could all see it.

[Cut to everybody]

Jen: Um, it’s snowing pretty hard.

Chris: Then I’ll drive even faster.

[Cut to a car slipping over the snow and people inside yelling] [The End]

Uber For Jen

Jen… Elizabeth Banks

Tyler… Mike O’Brien

Beck Bennett

Tyler’s wife… Vanessa Bayer

Dan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with ‘Mike O’Brien Picture’ video bumper] [Cut to a woman entering a car]

Jen: Uber for Jen?

[Tyler looks back at Jen]

Did you get my destination. I’m going to 91st in Amsterdam. You’re kind of going in an insane route. Just make the next left. Just coming up right here, and you missed it. Okay, it’s cool, you can just take the next left. And left… oh, missed it. Um, is this Uber for Jen? Do you speak English?

[Tyler stops by a drive through]

Tyler: Can I get a number two combo, no pickles?

Jen: And a peach banana smoothie, grande?

[The drive through passes the packed food to Tyler]

Tyler: Great, thank you.

[The drive through passes the smoothie to Jen, but Tyler drives away and the smoothie falls down.]

Jen: So not cool. Okay, neither one of us wants to give the other a bad rating. So, let’s just be focused. My phone says your best bait is take a U-turn right up here and go back 20 miles. So we’re gonna make a U-turn right… you missed it. Is this an Uber for Jen? U-turn. U-turn.

[Cut to Tyler and Beck in a meeting]

Beck: I’m sorry Mr. Tyler but we can’t help you with the house that’s that expensive. If you and Mrs. Tyler…

[Jen is sitting beside Tyler]

Tyler: Oh, she is not my wife.

Jen: Ah! I’m Jen. 91st in Amsterdam.

Beck: Oh, yeah, makes more sense. You said your wife was nine months pregnant.

Tyler: Yeah, she is.

Jen: She is? Oh!

[Cut to Jen and Tyler shopping for the baby, having ice cream, taking selfies and spending time together.]

Clueless or mean girls?

Tyler: [looking back] Oh, that’s tough.

Jen: [scared] Oh my god!

[the car hits someone]

Tyler: Oh, my god. Oh, I think I just hit a dude.

[Cut to Jen and Tyler getting rid of the dead body in an alley]

Jen: Oh, my god!

[Tyler stops the car in hurry] [A turtle is slowly crossing the road]

Tyler: Close call.

[Cut to Tyler’s wife getting in the car]

Tyler’s wife: Oh my god. I think my water just broke.

[Jen is looking at Tyler’s wife while Tyler’s wife is screaming while Tyler is driving.] [Cut to Tyler’s wife getting off the car with a baby and waving goodbye to Jen and Tyler] [Tyler’s wife gives birth to a baby in the car]

Jen: Oh, 91st in Amsterdam. Hey, my friend actually lives here. How did you know?

Tyler: The app shows me where to go.

Jen: So you are my Uber driver.

Tyler: Yeap.

Jen: Cool, thanks. Bye.

Tyler: Bye.

[Tyler rates Jen only three stars.] [Dan gets in the car]

Dan: Hey, Uber for Dan? Take a left up here. Yep, just right up here. And… left. Ha-ha. Dammit! That was the…

[Cut to credit scene]

[Directed by Matt and Oz]