Tag: Jenna

Jenna Ortega Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jenna Ortega.

[Jenna Ortega walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jenna Ortega: Thank you. Thank you guys very much. I am so excited to be here. My name is Jenna Ortega. I’m 20 years old, which makes me the youngest host of the season. But I’ve actually been acting since I was a kid. I got discovered when my mom put a video of me on Facebook, which someone explained to me is like TikTok, but for racism instead of dancing.

I’ve had a crazy couple of years I was in Wednesday, X, Scream 6. A lot of people assume that I’m dark and twisted in real life because of these roles that I play, but I’m not like that at all. I think there’s just something about my face where people see it and they’re like, “Hey, let’s throw blood on that.” But I wasn’t always in horror films. My first ever acting role was actually in a Colgate toothpaste commercial when I was nine. Take a look.

[Cut to Colgate toothpaste commercial]

Jenna Ortega as a kid: Wanna help me catch invisible nasties? You know, those little gems the head in your mouth. I’ll be back tonight invisible nasties.

[Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

Jenna Ortega: I am still that exact same girl. Same one. It’s just that I don’t know, scary music and editing can make anything seem like a horror film. Watch.

[Cut to the same Colgate commercial edited as a horror film]

[Cut back to Jenna Ortega]

I love horror movies, but honestly, I don’t get scared very easily. Part of the reason I actually wanted to come host SNL is that I wanted to face my biggest fear – happy, extroverted people who are always trying to perform. But everyone here has been so kind and this week has been a dream come true. You know, I’ve got a couple of friends here tonight including one of my co stars from Wednesday, Fred Armisen.

[Fred Armisen is within the audience]

Fred Armisen: Hi, Jenna. Don’t let me distract you. I’m just here to watch with these people who are below me.

Jenna Ortega: Oh, did you want to come up and join me on stage?

Fred Armisen: Oh, me? Go up there in front of the cameras? I could never.

Jenna Ortega: Okay, I’m sorry you don’t have to.

Fred Armisen: Alright fine, I will.

[Fred Armisen joins Jenna Ortega on stage]

[cheers and applause]

Wow, so this is what it feels like to be on Saturday Night Live?

Jenna Ortega: You were on the show for 11 seasons.

Fred Armisen: That’s sweet. Thank you.

Jenna Ortega: Seriously Fred, I’m so honored that you’re here. You’re the reason I started watching SNL actually. My favorite sketch of all time is the Californians.

[cheers and applause]

Fred Armisen: Thanks Jenna, that’s so nice. You know, the original idea came to me because I was giving directions-

Jenna Ortega: Yeah, no, we figured it was something like that. It’s all good. [pushes Fred Armisen out of the stage] Thank you.

Like I said, this feels like a dream. When I was a kid, I wasn’t old enough to watch SNL yet. So I took a tour of the SNL studio with my parents, like, six years ago, and they said, “Man, wouldn’t it be amazing if you host it someday?” And it seemed impossible, then. But now I’m here tonight. And my parents are in the audience and they get to hear me say – we have a great show for you tonight. 1975 is here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]

Boop-it

Mikey Day

Tyler… Chris Redd

Jenna… Chloe Fineman

Mark… Beck Bennett

Dietra… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with black and white video of Mikey, Tyler and Jenna playing chess and getting bored.]

Female voice: Tired of the same old games? Then get ready for…

[The black and white video is now color video]

[Mikey, Tyler and Jenna getting excited with boop-it on their table]

Kids: Huh! Boop-it!

Female voice: A memory building game that’s fun for the whole family. all you gotta do is…

Mikey: Boop-it. Twist-it. Honk-it. Squish-it.

Jenna: Nice!

Female voice: Made for kids of all ages.

[Mark walks in. He’s an adult.]

Mark: Can I try?

Mikey: Yeah, go for it, dad! Boop-it!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh! Nice try, dad!

Tyler: Maybe next time, Mr. Williams. Boop-it!

[Mark leaves it]

Female voice: Nine different actions, the possibilities are endless.

Tyler: Honk-it. Smush-it. Boop-it!

Female voice: But don’t get one wrong.

[Jenna presses the wrong button]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Kids: Oh!

[Mark walks in]

Mark: Maybe next time, Jenna! Hah!

[Mark leaves again]

Female voice: See who can boop-it best, and be the boop-it boss.

[Mark walks in again]

Mark: My turn. Jenny just went. I was after her.

[Mark takes away the game]

Mikey: I think it’s Tyler’s turn, dad!

Mark: Tyler, your mom just called. She wants you to go home. She wants you home.

Tyler: She does?

Mark: Yeah, bye! See ya! There’s the door.

Jenna: Bye Tyler!

Mark: Now that I can actually concentrate, I can do it.

Female voice: Concentration’s the name of the game when you…

Mikey: Twist-it.

[Mark presses the button]

[wrong answer buzzer]

Mark: Whatever! Piece of [bleep] ! I’m going in.

Female voice: The game is so fun, you won’t be able to put it down.

[Mark is playing and the kids are just watching]

Mark: It’s almost easy, but it’s so good!

Mikey: Go, dad!

Jenna: Yeah!

Mark: Get Tyler back here. He should see this.

[Cut to Dietra looking at Mark]

Dietra: Mark!

Mark: Dammit, Dietra! You messed me up!

Dietra: You were supposed to drop the kids off two hours ago.

[Mark with a whiskey on his one hand and boop-it on the other hand]

Mark: Well, I couldn’t do that, could I?

Dietra: Guys, car!

[The kids get ready to leave]

Mikey: Bye dad!

[Mikey tries to take the boop-it, but Mark doesn’t let him take it.]

Dietra: Have they eaten?

[Cut to Mark quietly sipping his whiskey]

Goodnight, Mark!

Mark: No, wait! Dietra, let’s give it one more try, baby!

Dietra: Oh, god!

Female voice: The boop-it!

[Cut to Mark playing boop-it alone. Is throws away the boop-it and starts crying.]

[The End]