Tag: Jenna Ortega

Waffle House

Zach… Marcello Hernandez

Casey… Jenna Ortega

Casey: Zach.

Zach: [to his boys] Hey, I’ll catch up you guys later, okay?

Hey, Casey. What are you doing here?

Casey: I know you and the guys usually hang out at Waffle House after the game. So I just figured you’d be here. I have something I need to tell you.

Zach: What’s up?

Casey: I’m not going to stay next year.

[the people inside the Waffle House are fighting]

Zach: What? We had a plan. We were both gonna go to state, and then move back to town after and get married. That’s what we wanted.

Casey: No, that’s what you wanted, Zach. Right? I want more. More than this state. More than this town.

Zach: More than me?

Casey: Yeah.

Zach: I don’t understand. What did I do wrong?

Casey: Nothing. I applied to this music program in New York City. I got in.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh my god, whose dog is this?

Casey: Aren’t you gonna say anything?

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Get your dog out of here.

Zach: I mean, what do you want to say Casey? Congrats? I’m losing the love of my life.

Casey: I’m just the love of your life so far.

Ego: [inside the Waffle house] Oh, the dog can’t be on the counter?

Casey: Okay? You’ll find other girls.

Zach: They won’t be you. I just- I can’t believe it’s over. We’ve been together since eighth grade.

Casey: I know. That’s the problem. I don’t know who I am without you. I owe it to myself to find that out. See, this wasn’t an easy decision.

Zach: You’re making a mistake, Casey.

[a police walks in the waffle house]

Casey: Maybe I am making a mistake, you know? But isn’t that what grown up is? About taking the big chances? Making the big mistakes. That’s just how we become who we’re meant to be.

[the police tasers Mikey in the waffle house]

Zach: If you say so.

Mikey in waffle house: You know where I’m putting this? Right down in my pants, baby.

Casey: It hurts with you, Zach. I know that this is the right decision. [gunshot in the background] Who knows? Maybe a few years from now, we’ll find each other again. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. You’ll always be my first love. Nothing can change that.

Zach: I guess.

Casey: Come here.

[Casey and Zach hug each other]

Thank you.

Zach: For what?

Casey: Everything.

Zach: I guess thank you too. Do you need a ride home?

Casey: No. My dad drove me.

[Mikey gets thrown out of the window of waffle house]

Mikey: [to Casey] You ready to go, baby girl?

Casey: Yes, dad.

Mikey: Freebird gotta fly, son.

The Parent Trap

Bowen Yang

Jenna Ortega

Raymond… Fred Armisen

Bowen: We’re so excited to be doing this remake of “The Parent Trap.” As you know, we found someplace to update the original but the scene in the cabin when Hallie and Annie realized they’re twins is such a classic. We just wanted to leave it as it was.

Jenna: I love that. I totally agree. This is so special. I’m just really glad to be here.

Bowen: Us too. Obviously, since you’re playing both twins, we’ll film you twice, combine the two images into one. Today, you’ll be Hallie in the scenes. And since your body double is out sick, We’re going to have one of our crew guy Raymond read with you, okay?

Raymond: Yeah, hey. You know, you can just call me, right? This is gonna be fun. I think I get the gist.

Bowen: Okay, great. So let’s start with the sequence where Hallie and Annie are having a little disagreement over whether it’s bedtime or not. Okay? You can just head your thoughts and we’ll get started. All right. Okay, great. And Action.

[Raymond turns off the light]

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Off.

Jenna: On.

Raymond: Turn them off.

Jenna: You are so annoying.

Raymond: And I’m starting to think you’re a real bitch.

Bowen: Okay, cut. Sorry, I don’t think the script said bitch.

Raymond: Yeah, sorry about that. I did a little off the cuff thing. You know, like you do on Curb. You guys watch Curb? I love Curb.

Jenna: Maybe someone else wants to read the lines? Like the ones that are in the script?

Bowen: Don’t worry. We’re never gonna see him in the movie. So it doesn’t really matter what he says.

Raymond: I have an idea. Should I go to the toilet at some point and she gets mad. No, that could be funny. Like her twin is always on the toilet?

Bowen: Are you asking that because you need to go to the bathroom now or-?

Raymond: Well, I think my character might. But you’re the director.

Bowen: Right? Okay, let’s just move on to the next day. Okay, so just as a reminder, it’s stormed outside, so your belongings got wet. And now you’re talking about the window, getting to know each other. Okay. All right. And action.

Jenna: Oh, no.

Raymond: Oh, are any of your pictures ruined?

Jenna: I mean, only the beautiful Shawn Mendes.

Raymond: Wow, he is hot. You know who I like? Lisa Rinna. I would let her wreck me.

Jenna: Okay, I don’t really know what to do here.

Bowen: Okay, let’s just move on to the Oreo scene. You’re wanting. You’re realizing you have a lot in common. Okay, and go.

Jenna: Wanna eat some Oreos? It may sound weird, but I eat them with peanut butter.

Raymond: Well, F* me, so do I.

Jenna: Wow. No way. I wonder what else we have in common?

Raymond: You like Schlitz? Schlitz beer?

Jenna: What? No. Anyway. How old are you?

Raymond: 56. Oh, for this? 11. My birthday is in October.

Jenna: Me too.

Raymond: This is tripping me out. Let’s see if we have a picture of our parents that was ripped in half to see if we’re twins.

Bowen: Nope. Nope. Not there yet. But good enough. Let’s just jump ahead to where Hallie is pacing, putting it all together. You’re both up for this. Okay. Yeah. And action.

Jenna: I mean, think about it. I only have a father and you only have a mother.

Raymond: Oh, yeah.

Jenna: You’ve never seen your dad and I’ve never seen my mom.

Raymond: So you think we’re twins or not yet?

Jenna: You have one old picture of your mom and I have one old picture of my dad.

Raymond: Yeah, like in that Lindsey Lohan movie about the twins.

Jenna: But at least yours is probably a whole picture.

Raymond: A whole picture? You’re 11. Don’t look at those.

Jenna: My pictures just a pathetic little thing right down the middle.

Bowen: Okay, and now you both run to get your halves of the picture.

Jenna: Here it is. A picture of my dad.

Raymond: Okay. I got mine.

Jenna: On the count of three. We’ll show them to each other. Okay?

Raymond: Okay.

Both: 1, 2, 3. Wow. Leslie Mann and Ed Helms. Is this for streaming?

Jenna: So if your mom is my mom, and my dad is your dad and we’re both born on October 11, than you and I are like sisters?

Raymond: Jesus, Hallie, we’re freaking twins.

Jenna: Annie

Raymond: Oh my god. Wow. I’m like trying now.

Jenna: This is amazing.

Raymond: So they just split us up? Why would they do that to us? We got to kill them.

Jenna: There’s two of us.

Raymond: We work together, we could kill them. I’m kidding, I love you.

Bowen: And cut. Wow that was it. Thank you both for those performances. I’m blown away. This is going to be a hit and I’ll see you both at the premiere.

School vs. School

Jay McCormick… Kenan Thompson

Sheila Cashman… Punkie Johnson

Manny Jackson… Marcello Hernandez

Gabe Bachman… Michael Longfellow

Professor Zander… Mikey Day

Zena Neutrilo… Jenna Ortega

Knockout… Molly Kearney

Jay McCormick: Welcome. Welcome everybody to School VS School where teachers team up with their star students to win big bucks. I’m your host Jay McCormick. Back after a brief hiatus. I was of course the key witness in a harassment trial of this show’s COVID representative who swab my anus in lieu of my nose every day for five months. But that’s all in the past now. So let’s meet up teams. From West Grove High in New Jersey, teacher Sheila Cashman and her students many Manny Jackson in Gabe Bachman.

Now, I’m told that your school has one of the best science departments in the country.

Sheila Cashman: Yes, and you can say that it’s A+.

Jay McCormick: Yeah, that’s cute. Alright, now let’s meet their opponents from Professor Zander’s Academy for extraordinary children. Professor Chandliss Zander and his students Zena Neutrilo and knockout. Now, it says here that your school is a 100 room Victorian mansion located within a 10,000 acre private forest?

Professor Zander: That is correct. We need ample space in which to train our students to harness their incredible gifts.

Zena Neutrilo: If my gifts are so incredible, than why won’t you love me?

Professor Zander: [yelling] Because you cannot yet control them, child.

Jay McCormick: Okey-dokie. Let’s just get to the game. are we feeling confident, team?

Manny Jackson: Heck yeah, Professor Zander’s Academy, you’re going down?

Knockout: We could enslave you.

Professor Zander: Knockout, no.

Jay McCormick: Well, that’s fun. All right, first question gets control of the board. Name for a random modification of DNA from parent to offspring. Zena.

Zena: Mutation.

Jay McCormick: Crrect.

Professor Zander: Oh, yes, mutation is a topic in which we are well versed.

Zena: That’s why they hate us.

Professor Zander: Zena!

Zena: They think we’re freaks.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Enough, child!

Jay McCormick: All right. Well, Zena, you have a chance for extra credit. The subject is English Lit. How’s your school’s English department?

Professor Zander: Our curriculum focuses more on harnessing our students’ abilities.

Zena: You always doubt me. Ask your question.

Jay McCormick: Okay then. “To be or not to be” is spoken by which Shakespearean protagonist?

Zena: Toby.

Jay McCormick: Wrong.

Zena: Argh, I failed. Oh, is that what you’re all thinking? The freak failed?

Sheila Cashman: No, I promise you sweetie, no one is thinking that.

Zena: Oh, you lie, you pathetic human.

[Zena tries to attack Sheila Cashman with her power, but Professor Zander stops her.]

Professor Zander: Zena, no, you can kill her.

[The whole stage is shaking by their powers]

Jay McCormick: Hey! Alright, hey! Now, I’ve just got blast and hit in the face with what I can only describe as electric wind. But since no points were awarded, control now goes over to West Grove high who are yet to get on the board. All right West Grove, here’s your question. Name the triangle which has three sides of equal length.

Gabe Bachman: I think there’s something wrong with our Teacher.

[Sheila Cashman is all blown up and had bloody nose]

Jay McCormick: Okay, no points there. Control back to Professors Zaner school I guess. Chance to steal. Triangle with three equal sides.

Professor Zander: Let me enter your mind.

Zena: I can figure it out on my own.

Professor Zander: I’m trying to help you, Zena.

Zena: God, stay out of my head.

Professor Zander: [yelling] Let me in.

Knockout: Stop fighting. [Knockout hits the table and breaks it]

Jay McCormick: Hey! We were looking for equilateral triangle.

Zena: Argh! I shouldn’t be here. I should be on the team using my powers.

Professor Zander: [yelling] You are not ready, child!

Jay McCormick: All right, we’re gonna take a break. Let things calm down and see if we can get that lady’s brain back online. This is Jay McCormick reminding you that COVID swabs go in the nose and not the keister. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every day for five months, shame on me. Keep it right here.

Ridiculousness

Rob Dyrdek… Mikey Day

Steelo Brim… Kenan Thompson

Chanel West Coast… Chloe Fineman

Lee Lee Two Times… Jenna Ortega

Female voice: You’re watching MTV. At 9, it’s 3 Straight Days of Ridiculousness. But first, All new Ridiculousness.

Rob: what is up? What is up? Welcome to ridiculousness. I’m Rob Dyrdek. And you wouldn’t know it from my clothes, but I’m almost 50, ya’ll. Joining me as always, Steelo Brim and Chanel West Coast.

Steelo: What up, Rob?

Chanel: Ah-ha-ha-ha. I’m already laughing.

Rob: Ha-ha. And today’s special guests, you know her from TikTok, Lee Lee Two Times.

Lee Lee: Yo, what up, what up?

Rob: Yo, congrats on all your success and for looking fine as hell.

Lee Lee: Thank you, thank you. Yeah, just turned 70 last week.

Rob: 17! Oopsie! I meant fine as hell as a friend. Alright. Let’s watch them vids, kids. This is Fallin’ Off. Alright first, peep these fools partying on a boat up in here. Oopsie!

Steelo: Oh, it’s white girl overboard.

Chanel: That looks like it hurt, yo.

Rob: Yeah, that’s why my ass don’t mess with boats.

Lee Lee: Yeah, I feel you, I feel you. I was on this family vacay one time, right? My cousin Haley was doing that white girl selfie pose at the front of the boat. We had a wave and bam! She felt right off that boat but like got swept under the propeller cut her head off.

Rob: Oh my god. That is horrific.

Lee Lee: Yeah, yeah. And the worst part was because like, all the blood, like 100 little Finding Nemo looking fish came around and started eating out her head. Yeah, it was visceral.

Steelo: I’m so sorry girl.

Rob: Yeah, me too. Alright, let’s keep another vid. Let’s try keep on anecdotes more like fun, less tragic and upsetting, dawg. Okay, check this out. Yo, this this cat dude, what? Oh-oh. Cup head. Oh no. Mi-oink! Ha-ha. Yo, that cat was tripping. Chanel like that one right there.

Chanel: Yo, I can’t! I can’t!

Lee Lee: Yo, cats are a trip.

Steelo: Yeah man, they crazy.

Lee Lee: Yeah, like growing up our cat Sadie was always getting pregnant.

Steelo: Okay. Okay. So Sadie a hoe.

Lee Lee: Yeah, Saie a hoe for real. She was giving birth one time and six kittens come out.

Steelo: Yeah, all of them looking different than their daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Yo Sadie, who you smashing?

Lee Lee: Nah, they came out fuse into one like big furry cat, ball of cat parts. And like ears, claws, tails, all sticking out. It was not fire.

Rob: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Chanel, you got a cat. You got any funny cat stories girl?

Chanel: [asking Lee Lee] Was the cat alive?

Lee Lee: Yeah, but like it didn’t have a mouth. So it was screaming from the inside like- [screaming with mouth closed]

Rob: Yeah, you don’t need to keep making that noise, Lee Lee. We got it. alright, we’re gonna play What’s Gonna Go Down. Here’s the first frame of our next vid. Okay. Oh-oh. We got a dude in a laundry basket at the top of some stairs. Alright. Steelo, what’s gonna go down?

Steelo: Oh, I think that dude’s flying out of that thing on the first stair man. What you think, Chanel?

Chanel: Same. So, um, how long does the cat have to live?

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Okay? The cat balls weird and sad. It’s not the vibe of the show. Okay?

Steelo: Yeah, I gotta agree on that, man. Let’s kill the cat ball.

Lee Lee: Actually, the mom cat killed the cat ball.

Rob: Yo, no more cat ball. Yo, the cat ball is done. Please. Okay, Lee, lee, what do you think is gonna go down in his vid?

Lee Lee: Okay, okay. I think this white boy gonna make all the way down to the bottom of the stairs. And he’s just gonna jump out and start a wilding.

Rob: Ha-ha, okay. Then he’s gonna fall on his ass?

Lee Lee: Ha-ha, no he’s gonna get a text because his parents were murdered.

Rob: No. No. Not that, y’all. Alright, you know what? We’re gonna take a quick break, reset the vibe. And we’ll be back with more ridiculousness.

Lee Lee: I got a picture of a cat ball if anyone wants to see.

Rob: I mean, I’ll take a look.

Jingle Pitch

Serena… Jenna Ortega

Mitchell… Mitchell Yang

Devon Walker

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

James Austin Johnson

Serena: All right, troops. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Since breaking off from Donald’s Donalds Dominguez to form Donalds and Dominguez, we have not landed a single new client. You know why that is?

Devon: No.

Chloe: Not really.

Mitchell: It’s because Donald’s Donald’s Dominguez had a phone number that was easy to remember. And everybody in town knows their famous phone number jingle.

Serena: That’s right. We don’t have that. Mitchell, remind everyone of our number?

Mitchell: Our number is 1-672-555-0136.

Serena: What we need is to turn that number into a super catchy jingle

Chloe: But Serena there’s no way to create a catchy jingle with a number like that.

Serena: That’s where you’re wrong. My fellow partners, last Tuesday, Mitchell and I were at Luciano’s.

Mitchell: And yeah, I was drinking. No, I was getting tanked.

Serena: Mitchell got tanked at Luciano. But then this band got up on the stage and sang the catchiest pop funk hooks I had ever heard. Come on in guys.

[two guys walk in]

Andrew: Hey there.

James: Hello lawyers.

Andre: We are Soul Booth.

Serena: Ladies and gentlemen, this is Soul Booth. And they’re here to save us.

Andrew: Worked out a few demos for you.

James: Yeah, we heard you needed a pop funk hook that’ll stick on the mind leg grapevines.

Andrew: Maybe something like this. Here we go. Do you remember this one.

James: I do man.

Andrew: Ha-ha. Here we go. Come on.

[music playing]

Both: [singing] One.
Six-seven
Whoo!
Two.
Then three straight fives.
The next number is 0.
One.
Three.
And six.
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Who you’re gonna call?
Donalds and Dominguez
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys. I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s gonna work for us.

Andrew: Uh-huh. And why is that?

Serena: It just doesn’t sound like what we heard at Luciano’s.

Andrew: Oh. You want that Luciano’s sound?

James: Yeah, you want it Luched?

Mitchell: Yes. This track should make me feel like I’m pegged up at Luch. Understood?

James: Loud and clear.

Andrew: Crystal.

Devon: Yeah, and the numbers should be closer together.

Chloe: Yeah, I think the numbers should be much closer together.

Andrew: Uh-huh. So it’ll be something like this. Ha-ha. You know this one?

James: I do, man.

Andrew: All right. Come on. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 1-672-555-0136
Donalds and Dominguez

Serena: Guys, come on. That’s totally wrong. And you call that a Luched-up track?

Mitchell: I should feel five daiquiris deep posted u at Luch right now.

Serena: What is so hard about that?

Mitchell: What is so hard about writing a jingle that feels like I’m getting decked down in the back Luch? Ringing back to cut me off but then not barback with the glasses looking like Mayim Bialik that’s making the act up. What’s so hard about that?

Serena: Can you do that?

Andrew: Yes, ma’am.

James: Can do.

Devon: Okay. Yeah. And the number should be presented somewhat like a phone number.

Chloe: Or just anywhere near that would be great.

James: I think we might have just the thing.

Andrew: Absolutely. Let’s take a trip y’all. Everybody. I want to take you somewhere. Somewhere where there is no race, no religion. A little place we call home. But you may know as Luciano’s. Here we go. Here we go.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: One more time, that feels so good.

Both: 16,725,550,136

Andrew: So, what do you think?

Serena: Mitchell, did they do it? Is it Luci?

Mitchell: Serena, not only can I now perfectly recall the phone number of our law office, but more importantly, I feel absolutely ass-out, daked down, and looched up. My only question is how much?

Both: $10,000.

Mitchell: Less.

Both: 40 each.

Mitchell: Deal.

All: 16,725,550,136

Exorcism

Father… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Andrew Dismukes

Claire… Jenna Ortega

Mrs. Shaw…Ego Nwodim

Frank… Kenan Thompson

Chloe: Father, can you save her? Can you save my daughter?

Father: I need Father Murphy? I can’t perform an exorcism alone.

[Claire is possessed]

Claire: You will rot in hell.

Andrew: Honey, hear my voice. I know you’re still in there, Claire.

[door knocking]

Chloe: Did someone just knock on our door?

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, hello. It’s the middle of the night. What is all the ruckus?

Chloe: Oh Father, this is our upstairs neighbor Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, and I should have been asleep 45 minutes ago. But I guess you all decided to throw a party on a Tuesday.

Father: This isn’t a party, Mrs. Shaw.

Andrew: It’s our daughter. She’s been possessed.

Chloe: We’re waiting for Father Murphy.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, don’t no one have to wait for him. I’ll do it.

Chloe: Do what?

Mrs. Shaw: The exorcism, I’m getting my sleep tonight.

[Claire is screaming]

[Mrs. Shaw also screams in the same way]

Mrs. Shaw: See, I can do it too, okay? You don’t scare me sweetie.

Father; You should be careful. You’re in over your head.

Mrs. Shaw: In over my head? You know I have been a crossing guard at Nasaau and Edge Mont for 40 years. That’s six lanes. Every day, I’m the only thing stopping 300 mean fifth graders from getting sent straight to hell by UPS truck. Now where the cross at? Give it here. Give it here.

[Father gives the cross to Mrs. Shaw.]

Okay hello. [Claire screaming] Okay, you need to get out. [Claire screaming] Uh-uh, use your words.

Claire: Suck my butt.

Mrs. Shaw: No ma’am, I don’t do all that. I tossed salad once, and I was like, “Um-um, this ain’t for me.”

Chloe: Maybe we should just wait for the priest, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I need to get my eight hours. [Claire starts levitating] Oh-oh, where is she going?

Claire: You’re going to hell, you stupid whore.

Mrs. Shaw: Stupid what now? Oh honey, you’re gonna have to do much better than that. Yesterday a third grader called me “A used up skank.” What else you got? Come on.

Claire: You’re an ugly- um.. umm…

Mrs. Shaw: Umm… Umm… what? Look at your stuttering. Now sit down baby before I turn on the ceiling fan. [Claire falls down] That’s what thought.

Andrew: My god, is it working?

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it is. That is exactly what I thought.

Claire: Let me out.

Father: She’s expelling the demon. Quick. We’ll need a new vessel.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh okay good, I got you. I got you a vessel, all right. [walks to the window and screams upstairs] Frank! Get down here, Frank!

Frank: Woman, what do you want? I’m trying to sleep.

Mrs. Shaw: Oh, you kind of asleep, but you’re talking. [Claire starts levitating again] A little girl. your ass better not be levitating back there. [Claire falls down again]

Claire: Sorry, Mrs. Shaw.

Mrs. Shaw: Thank you baby.

Frank: Waking my ass up at 9pm in the middle of the night.

Mrs. Shaw: We doing an exorcism, Frank.

Frank: Yeah, well I shoulda been asleep 47 minutes ago.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, we know, baby. Now you gotta be a vessel for this demon.

Frank: Well, I want to do that.

Mrs. Shaw: Frank, if you don’t do it I’m a counselor sex date next week.

Frank: Oh, okay. Found my weak spot. Let me get situated first. All right. Come on now, demon. Do you worst. [Frank gets posses for a second, then continues reading the magazine.]

Claire: Oh my god. Mom, dad, what just happened? Why are the Shaws in our house? Shouldn’t they be asleep?

Chloe: Oh, my God. Mrs. Shaw, we can’t thank you enough.

Mrs. Shaw: Yeah, it’s all good. Y’all sleep tight now. Come on, Frank. Frank.

[Frank’s head is spinning around]

Frank: Ah! I don’t like this.