Brian Fellow… Tracy Morgan
Patrick McGrath … Pete Davidson
Jenny Shamberg… Aidy Bryant
[Starts with Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET intro]Intro song: [singing] He loves animals and they love him back
inter-species friends, we ain’t kidding that
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET
Male voice: Brian Fellow is not an accredited zoologist, nor does he hold an advanced degree in any of the environmental sciences. He is simply an enthusiastic young man with a six grade education and an abiding love for all god’s creatures. Share his love tonight on…
Intro song:
Brian Fellow’s, Brian Fellow’s
Brian Fellow’s SAFARI PLANET
Brian Fellow: Good evening and welcome to Brian Fellow’s Safar Planet. I’m Brian Fellow. [cheers and applause] We have two very special animal guests for you tonight. Both are hairy and have teeth. Please welcome my first guest beaver.
[two men bring in a beaver in a cage. One of the sit beside Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: And who are you?
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Well, I’m Patrick McGrath and I work with North American mammals at the Bronx zoo.
[Cut to Brian Fellow looking speechless]Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow. Someone summon that beaver, he seems snotty.
[Cut to the beaver and Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Oh, well, Hobiar here is far from snotty. Um, he is a hard working little robot. An adult beaver like Hobiar can chew through 400 pounds of timber in a single day.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: So, what does he do with all the wood he steals?
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers make lodges. The world’s largest beaver lodge in Alberta, Canada is 850 yards long and can be seen from space.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: That’s crazy.
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: I know, right? And beavers are definitely the builders of the animal world.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Yes, I know.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: So, approximately, or average roughly, how many cigarettes does this beaver smoke in a day?
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Um, zero.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: My father was a builder. He smoked four packs a day. All his snotty builder friends smoked too. Marlboro lights.
[Cut to Patrick McGarth]Patrick McGarth: Well, beavers don’t smoke Mr. Fellow. No animals smoke.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: That’s a lie. I saw a monkey smoking a cigar on a funny video show. You’re a liar, skinny man. Stop telling lies on my show. Get out of here.
[Cut to Brian Fellow and Patrick McGarth. Patrick McGarth leaves with his beaver.]I’m sorry about that. My show is about animals, not lies and slotty-ness. But I know my next guest doesn’t believe in that stuff either. He lives in a dessert and loves water. Please welcome, a camel.
[Jenny Shamberg brings in a camel and sits beside Brian Fellow]Who are you?
Jenny Shamberg: I am Jenny Shamberg of the American Research Center, and a professor of veterinary science at Rutger’s University, as well as a co-president of the Burgan County Chapter of ASPCA.
Brian Fellow: Are you done?
Jenny Shamberg: Yes, I am.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: I’m Brian Fellow.
[Cut to Jenny Shamberg and the camel]Jenny Shamberg: And this is Elizabeth. Okay, she is fourteen years old and she came to us from Morocco.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: That’s crazy. Now, most people hate camels. Why do you think that is?
[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]Jenny Shamberg: Well, I don’t think that’s true actually.
[Cut to Brian Fellow]Brian Fellow: That’s not an answer, Larry.
[Cut to Jenny Shamberg]Jenny Shamberg: Okay, actually, that is an answer. I disagree with the premise of your question. I think people have a very positive view of camels because they’re dessert animals who…
[Cut to Brian Fellow. A beaver smoking cigarette appears in his mind and starts speaking to him.]Beaver: You gotta make sure that this is supported by beaver boy. Or the whole thing is going to collapse. You listening to me, Brian?
[Cut to Jenny Shamberg speaking but inaudible. Patrick McGarth appears in Jenny Shamberg’s thoughts]Patrick McGarth: Hey, I don’t know if you remember me but we were together in the green room at that animal show hosted by that crazy guy. I was too shy to come over and say hello but I remember thinking, “Damn, that’s girl’s fine.”
[Cut to the camel. It is thinking about a monkey smoking a cigar.]
[Cut to Brian Fellow thinking about the smoking beaver]
Beaver: You are useless. Spending all damn day reading those wildlife magazine. How come you never got a girlfriend, Brian?
[Cut to Brian Fellow and Jenny Shamberg. Brian Fellow is saying something to the beaver.]Jenny Shamberg: Wow, I’m sorry, did you just call me daddy?
Brian Fellow: No. I’m Brian Fellow. That camel’s navigate. What’s his name?
Jenny Shamberg: This is Elizabeth.
[Brian Fellow stands up]Brian Fellow: We out of here, Elizabeth.
[Brian Fellow gets the camel’s lease]Turn me next week when our guests will be a squirrel and a chicken.
[camel walks in front of Brian Fellow]I can’t see, camel! I am Brian Fellow.
[The End]