Tag: Jerry

Christmas Bar

Jessica… Vanessa Bayer

Tony… Kyle Mooney

Jerry… Casey Affleck

Bouncer… Kenan Thompson

Bartender… Beck Bennett

Police… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jessica speaking to her friend at the bar]

Jessica: I’m think I want to go ice skating this year. I haven’t been since I was a kid. And it feels like it’s still fun.

[2 approaches Jessica]

2: Excuse me. This is gonna sound totally crazy but don’t I know you from somewhere?

Jessica: I don’t think so. I have actually never been to Brooklyn. I’m just visiting.

2: It’s just… I can’t believe I’m saying this. I guess there’s something about you, you know? It’s just like, it’s comfortable. Like, a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup. Hmm.

Jessica: My mom used to make that for me–

Jessica and 2: When I was sick.

2: Yeah. Me too. I’m sorry. What was your name again?

Jessica: Jessica.

2: Jessica, that’s right. I’m Tony. And I’m not rich or nothing. I just volunteer at a home for the elderly. But, um, would you maybe want to– [turns around and speaks to himself loudly] Tony, don’t do this. Do not do this. [looks at Jessica] Would you maybe want to have Christmas eve dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, Christmas eve dinner. Wow! I mean, Tony, we just met. I don’t really know.

[Jerry walks in]

Jerry: Excuse me, excuse me. I’m so sorry. I- I- I never interrupt people when they’re talking. But I just heard like an angel or something.

Jessica: Oh, me?

Jerry: Oh, wow, yeah. There it goes again. Now, whoof! Listen, I’m Jerry. I know I’m nothing special and I love my little deaf sister. But would you– I can’t believe I’m even standing here. Would you maybe wanna get Christmas dinner with me and my family?

Jessica: Oh, well, that’s nice.

2: Excuse me, Jerry. Um, you keep talking to Ms. Jessica here, it’s going to make me want to do– [talks to himself] Don’t say it, Tony. [looks at Jerry] It’s gonna wanna make me do something like this. [2 pulls out a knife]

Jerry: Oh! Wow! Well, I usually don’t stand up for myself. You know, I usually just let guys walk all over me. But, you know, when I see you do that, it makes me want to do something like this.

[Jerry pulls out a knife too]

Jessica: No! Tony! Jerry!

2: Wow! You know, I usually ain’t like this, but, um, I think I’m going to have to stab you.

[2 stabs Jerry]

Jerry: Oh! Argh! I can’t believe I’m saying this but that really hurt. Now I’m like, bleeding. [talking to himself] Don’t say it, Jerry. Do not say it. But I’m really bleeding.

[Bouncer walks in]

Bouncer: Guys, I can’t believe I’m doing this but, I mean, I’m usually really shy. I guess I’m the bouncer. You know? And it’s stupid but I got to restrain you.

2: Okay.

[Bartender walks in]

Bartender: Hey, fellas. I know it’s none of my business, I mean I normally wouldn’t speak up at a time like this. But I just called 911. You know? And they said they can’t believe that they’re saying this. Don’t say this. But, they’re going to be here very soon.

Jessica: Why are you being shy? This man was just stabbed.

2: hey, Jessica. I know I’m nothing special, but your eyes sparkle like the moonlight.

Jerry: Hang on a second. I know I’m just a simple buy, you know, but my gut says he’s not right for you.

Jessica: Yeah, obviously. Are you okay?

[A police officer walks in]

Police: Oh, I can’t believe I’m gonna ask this, but is this the victim you called about?

All: [crosstalk] Yes.

Police: Okay. And oh, this is totally insane. [talking to herself] Why you doing this, Tracy? but we’re going to pump you with 10 CCs of clotting agent.

Jessica: Um, stay strong Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, Ms. Jessica, I know this might not be the most opportune time, but if you just give me a chance, I think you will find out I’m a pretty fun guy.

Jessica: Of course you are, Jerry.

Police: Excuse me. I know I shouldn’t be interrupting but I think we’re losing him.

Jerry: I know, nobody asked me but I just saw a light and I really just want to walk towards it.

God: This is god. And I can’t believe I’m asking you this but, would you want to join me in the eternity or something?

Jerry: Oh my god! I can’t believe what I’m hearing but, yeah, I would like that very much, god! Ah!

[Jerry dies]

Jessica: Oh, Jerry.

2: I feel so self-conscious. But I can’t help wondering if this whole thing was all my fault.

Jessica: Of course it was.

2: Oh!

Abraham Lincoln Reenactment

Kenan Thompson

Amy Schumer

Taran Killam

Jerry … Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Ford’s Theatre]

Kenan: Alright, we’ll bringing first two in a moment.

[Cut to inside the theatre. Kenan is speaking to Amy and Taran. Jerry is standing behind them.]

Thanks for filling in the day. Our regular Mary Todd is sick.

Amy: It’s exciting.

Taran: You’re gonna be fantastic. It’s a pretty simple reenactment. Just you and I pretend to watch the play, I say few lines, then Jerry comes, John Wilkes Booth, shoots me, you cry, we bow, that’s it. Alright, any questions?

Amy: Looking forward to hit the boards with you, man.

Taran: You’re gonna be great. Okay. Oh! Here comes the first tour.

[Jerry walks out the door.]

Amy: Okay.

[The audience walk in from the other door]

Kenan: Alright ladies and gentlemen. This is the very same box in which Mr. and Mrs. Lincoln sat on that faithful night of April 14th, 1865. Let’s now be transported. Back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, I’m glad you convinced me to come to the theater tonight. We’ve won the war and I can finally enjoy a night out with my wife.

Amy: Yeah, I don’t know about that Ab. I got a bad feeling about this.

Taran: Ah! Well, let’s just enjoy the play.

Amy: No, you know me Ab, gotta trust my gut. something about this place gives me the creeps.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Taran: [scared] Ah!

Amy: I knew it!

[Amy punches Jerry on his face]

Jerry: Ou!

Amy: I don’t think so boo!

Jerry: What the hell?

Amy: You see that everybody. This guy is trying to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and have sex with me.

Jerry: No. No I did not.

Amy: And that’s how it happened, folks.

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

Alright, have a great rest of the day in DC. [Cut to everybody] America’s only capital.

[Kenan opens the door and the audience walk out.]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Oh, that was fun. You weren’t half bad yourself.

[Amy pinches Taran]

Taran: Ah! What were you doing?

Amy: Um, spicing it up a little bit. Something I learned on the BK set.

Taran: The BK set?

Amy: Oh, they didn’t tell you? That’s weird. Yeah, I’m fresh out filming the Burger King commercial for those like, black burgers that are making everybody crap green. I had a ton of ad libs.

Taran: Okay, well just don’t do any of that for the next tour.

Amy: Ya, ya, Lincoln.

[Kenan walks in with another group of audience]

Kenan: Alright, ladies and gentlemen. Let us now be transported back into time.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: Mary, for the first time in a long time, I feel it peace.

Amy: I wouldn’t get too comfortable there. Just saw John Wilkes Booth and he looked a little off.

Taran: Well, I’m sure it’s fine.

Amy: Well, tell that to my gut Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in from the door behind them and points a gun at Taran]

Jerry: I’m sick of this.

Amy: I knew it. Duck Lincoln.

[Amy punches Taran on his face again]

Ha-ha. Missed him, pecker head! You may be a great actor but you’re never gonna blow my husband’s brain out just to get in my pants.

[looks at the audience]

What do we say folks? [clapping] Huh?

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking at Amy furiously]

[Cut to Amy, Taran and Jerry]

Alright. Y’all have a great day in DC. Now, get out of here and never come back. Ha-ha-ha.

[The audiences leave]

I never said this, but you suck at ad libs.

Jerry: We’re not supposed to ad lib.

Amy: Alright, well when I was on the BK set, all I was supposed to do was bite into a hamburger and go, “Umm.” But instead, I look straight into the camera and I said, “That’s a great black Halloween burger.” And I pretended I was choking to death. Everybody flipped out.

Taran: Here comes the next tour. Just please, be quiet.

Amy: Your wish is my command.

Taran: Shut up!

[Kenan comes in with another group of audiences]

Kenan: Let us now be transported to the past.

[piano playing]

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Taran: I’m so glad to enjoy a night at the theatre.

Amy: [standing and yelling] Booth! Show your face! I know you’re out there. You hate my husband just coz he loves blacks.

[Cut to the audiences. They are all African-American people.]

Kenan: I’m so sorry.

[Cut to Amy and Taran]

Amy: Booth wants nothing more than to come in here and blow my husband’s head off and plow me, the most beautiful woman in the land. But I only plow one man and that’s Abraham Lincoln.

[Jerry walks in hopelessly]

There’s that horny little piece of crap now!

Jerry: Come on!

Amy: Let’s show him he can’t plow me. Right folks?

[Amy punches Jerry on his face again]

Jerry: Ah!

[Amy pulls off the fake mustache off of Jerry’s face]

Amy: Look at that. Just as I suspected. John Wilkes Booth, the very same son of a bitch who tried to blast my husband and plow me.

[Amy takes a cigarette out of her bra and starts pretending like she’s smoking]

[Cut to Kenan and the audience looking furiously]

Just another night in DC, folks.

Kenan: Hey, you can’t smoke in here.

[Cut to Amy]

Amy: I’m not. I’m acting.

[The End]

Ryan Gosling’s Magazine Cover Story

Ryan Gosling

Laura Sumner… Cecily Strong

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Trevor… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with a Ryan and Laura in a bar in Cornwall, Ontario]

Ryan: So, yea, this is the bar where I had my first legal beer. But, I may have slipped a couple before that. You know what I mean? [whispering] You can write that down.

Laura: [laughing] Okay. Your hometown is perfect for the stories. Readers are gonna love to know what it was like growing up Gosling.

Ryan: Well, you know, I’m an open book.

[Jerry comes in]

Jerry: Hey, glad you’re back Ryan. The Notebook is like, one of my favorite movies. Don’t tell my buddies though.

Ryan: Really?

Jerry: Yeah, seriously. Don’t tell them.

Ryan: Okay.

Jerry: Anyway, look, um, these are from the guy at the end of the bar over there.

[Cut to Trevor. He is waving at Ryan.]

[Cut to everybody]

Ryan: Oh, god!

Laura: What’s wrong?

Ryan: Oh, it’s this guy Trevor I went to school with.

Trevor: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow. If it isn’t the little bitch I used to beat up in high school. Cryan Ryan Gosling. And who do we have here?

Ryan: [clears throat] Trevor, this is Laura Sumner.

Laura: Pleasure. I am writing an article on Ryan for GQ.

Trevor: Oh, Mr. Hotshot here is gonna be a little cover clown boy. Anyway, you’re not nervous about Tammy typewriter discovering some old secrets, are you?

Laura: Oh, I love secrets.

Ryan: Come on, Trevor. Now now.

Trevor: What’s the matter? Embarrassed Mr. Melody can’t quite hit the high notes anymore.

Laura: Did you sing growing up? Is it?

Ryan: Yeah, little bit. I don’t know. Yeah. I– just, please don’t do this Trevor.

Trevor: Oh, come on. I’m sure pretty pencil here would love to see you put on a little show for us. Hey, Jerry, why don’t you put on C-14.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: You got this, Ryan!

Ryan: I really don’t wanna do this.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Ryan: [singing] No, no, no, no way

No, no, no, no way

I’m living without you

[Cut to Trevor. He shuts the music off.]

Trevor: Boring!

[Trevor walks to Ryan and Laura]

When we don’t we put ourselves to sleep, we’d watch your movies. But let’s face it. We only watch the trailers.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Hey, you’re making us proud, Ryan.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Very impressive voice.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: Oh, you like being impressed, huh? Well, crying Ryan here wasn’t just a sally song stress. He also used to dance around like a Tari-tu-tu.

[Cut to Ryan]

Ryan: He’s trying to say that I used to dance when I was a kid. I was a child dancer.

[Cut to Laura]

Laura: Oh, you know what? This is great stuff.

[Cut to Ryan, Laura and Trevor]

Trevor: You know what else would be great? If Ryan put on a special residal for our little Nancy newspaper.

Laura: Oh! GQ is a magazine.

Trevor: And maybe the whole bar would like to see that too.

Ryan: You know what? Fine! Alright? Hey, Jerry, can you throw on B-26?

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: Yeah, B-26, of course.

[music playing]

[Cut to Ryan. He starts to dance. Two other girls start dancing with him.]

[cheers and applause]

[Trevor walks in laughing]

Trevor: Did everybody see that? A dancing boy? What’s next? You’re gonna put on a skirt and make us a breakfast? Right?

[Everybody is ignoring Trevor]

[Cut to Laura and Jerry]

Laura: My god, Ryan, you were amazing.

[Cut to Ryan and Trevor]

Ryan: Okay, you know, I think we should just go. It was nice running into each other.

[Ryan and Laura are walking]

Trevor: Leaving so soon? I thought we get to see all our friend. Scrony Iony.

Laura: Did you use to be skinny?

Ryan: I guess. I was smaller, yeah.

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: This guy was a toothpick. Still is, if you asked me. I bet he wish he could look like this. [Opens his shirt]

[audience laughing]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor. Ryan is laughing from the inside.]

Ryan: What are you doing?

Trevor: We’re taking off our shirts to compare our bodies.

[cheers and applause]

Ryan: I really do not want to do this, okay?

[Cut to Trevor]

Trevor: You’re not better than me. I can dance. [Trevor starts dancing horribly.]

[Cut to Laura, Ryan and Trevor.]

I can sing too. [Trevor starts singing horribly]

[Trevor starts crying]

Ryan: It’s okay, man. It’s okay to cry. That takes guts.

Trevor: I just miss your around here, Ryan.

Laura: I think I got my cover story.

[Cut to GQ magazine front page with Ryan and Trevor’s picture. The title says, ‘Ryan Gosling has lame friends’.]

[The End]

Office Christmas Party (Amy Adams)

Shy Girl, Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Carol… Aidy Bryant

Tom… Kenan Thompson

Jerry… Bobby Moynihan

Pete Davidson

Jay Pharoah

Kevin… Beck Bennett

Randy… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with people in a party at office.]

Kathy: Ah! The party is terrible.

Carol: That’s the worst. [Cut to Tom dancing and using his laptop] Tom keeps playing Ghost Busters. [Cut to Jerry, Kathy and Carol] Why would he do that at a holiday party?

Jerry: You know what my Christmas wish is? This party was banging.

[Cut to Pete and Jay walking in from the door. They’re dressed for the party. There’s smoke as in the room as they enter.]

Jay: Did somebody make a wish?

[Cut to everybody]

Jerry: Um, I did.

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Pete: Well, it’s about to come true.

[Cut to Jerry]

Jerry: What are you guys? Angels or something?

[Cut to Pete and Jay]

Jay: It doesn’t matter.

Pete: Let’s turn this bitch up.

[Hiphop beat drops and the music video begins.]

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party

[The people in the office are drinking shots.]

Office Christmas Party
Shy girl from payroll sort of dancing
Office Christmas Party
Jerry and Kathy are hitting it off
Office Christmas Party
Dave did impression of an IT guy and crushed it
Office Christmas Party

Crazy seeing the cleaning lady not in the uniform
Office Christmas Party
Kevin still trying to finish some work
Office Christmas Party
Randy made a slideshow but can’t work the projector
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media is way too drunk
Office Christmas Party
Carol from the media just jumped into the Christmas tree
Office Christmas Party
Someone control Carol from new media
This is getting out of hand
we love that people are having fun
but do us a favor and just be safe guys
Oh, snap! The boss is making it rain gift cards

[music stops]

[Cut to Shy Girl singing Christmas song]

Shy Girl: We wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

I’m Becky and I am from payroll. Out!

[Shy girl drops the mic and starts the rapping]

Now let’s get crazy

Pete and Jay: [rapping] Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Office Christmas Party
Oh, snap!

[All the employees are partying]

Why is there a goat here?
Office Christmas Party

Jay: What?

Pete and Jay: Peace!

Westminster Daddy Show | Season 44 Episode 9

Kate McKinnon

Jerry… Matt Damon

Georgina Mont-Blanc… Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Tweedy Daddy… Alex Moffat

Business Daddy… Chris Redd

[Starts with the intro of 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show]

Announcer: Welcome back to the 85th Annual West Minister Daddy show.

[Cut to Kate and Jerryin their set]

Kate McKinnon: Well, it’s Christmas time, so you know what that means.

Jerry: I do. It means it’s time for the Daddy Show.

Kate McKinnon: It is.

Jerry: We are finally up to the best in show category and I have to say, this year’s competitors are raising the bar.

Kate McKinnon: They are indeed. For anyone just joining us, this is a dog show but for daddies.

Jerry: Now, what exactly is a daddy?

Kate McKinnon: Well, think George Clooney but achievable.

Jerry: Love that. It’s like we say –

Both: Any man can be a father, but it takes a hot middle-aged guy with a big job to be a daddy.

[Cut to the stage. Georgina Mont-Blanc walks in.]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, here comes out head judge, Georgina Mont-Blanc. What do you think she’s looking for from this year’s pack of daddies?

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Our judges will be looking for men over the age of 46 with a little salt and pepper at the temples, some play money to throw around and a smug knowing smile that says “I do sex good”.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Bring out the daddies.

Kate McKinnon: And we’re off. [Golf daddy and his assistant start jogging around Georgina Mont-Blanc] Here comes the winner of the sporting group, West Palm Golf Daddy.

[Cut to Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Golf Daddy is a consultant who loves hanging out with buddies at the 19th hole, which I’m told is slang for bar.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s a funny daddy. He went through a divorce last year which is typical of the breed, lot of weekends away from home.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant]

Jerry: Looks like the judge is [Georgina Mont-Blanc starts to put her hands on Golf Daddy’s teeth and look at his veneers] looking at his new veneers. Yes, it’s cute little joke about them is at least my ex can’t take these.

Kate McKinnon: Oh, that’s cute. I like that. Nice showing from Golf Daddy. [Golf daddy and his assistant leave] Okay.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Oh, now, here comes my personal favorite. Winner of the teach me, Daddy group. It’s Berkeley Tweedy Daddy.

[Cut to Kenan and Tweedy Daddy walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Kate McKinnon: Oh, yes. The Tweedy Daddy ought to have a long, elegant gape and this one does in spades.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Notable traits, the breed are biking to work and being absolutely awful to waiters.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Go ahead and bring him here.

Kenan: [Kenan talks to Tweedy Daddy like a dog] Yes. Tweedy Daddy, come here. And Tweedy Daddy right here. [Tweedy Daddy doesn’t listen to Kenan] Tweedy Daddy up on here. Tweedy Daddy right there. Tweedy Daddy right there. Here come Tweedy Daddy here. Get up Tweedy Daddy on here.

Tweedy Daddy: Maybe if you present the argument, better I respect it.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Jerry: Another trait of the breed, being an obstructionist a-hole.

[Cut to Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Please, bring him here.

[Cut to Kenan, Tweedy Daddy and Georgina Mont-Blanc]

Tweedy Daddy: Please, debate me, coward.

Georgina Mont-Blanc:  That’s a DQ.

Kate McKinnon: Tweedy Daddy disqualified. Georgina is not taking any of that.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: She never does, wink wink.

Kate McKinnon: Stop. Here’s the next competitor, always a crowd favorite.

[Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant walk around Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: From the working too much group, Wall Street Business Daddy.

[Business Daddy is busy on his phone]

Business Daddy: I don’t know when I’ll be there [Cut to Business Daddy and his assistant] but I played for V.I.P. parking so it shouldn’t Jerryer, period.

[Cut to Business Daddy, his assistant and Georgina Mont-Blanc.]

Jerry: Business Daddies are obsessed with efficiency. They love using the text-to-speech feature to text their fiances.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, judge is manipulating the Billfold. [Georgina Mont-Blanc takes Business Daddy’s wallet out and feels it]

Jerry: Yeah, what she’s looking for here is feeling for the give of cash and the firmness of a very heavy credit card.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Kate McKinnon: Yeah, I got to say, this daddy could get it.

Jerry: It’s not just about can this daddy get it, it’s about this daddy a champion?

Kate McKinnon: That’s right. Because all of these daddies could get it. Obviously they can get it because if they couldn’t get it, they wouldn’t be here.

Jerry: So true. Okay.

[Cut to the stage, Georgina Mont-Blanc, Golf Daddy and his assistant, and Business daddy and his assistant]

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Can I see the Business Daddy, the Golf Daddy, and the announcer.

[Cut to Kate and Jerry]

Jerry: Wait, what? I don’t even have a handler!

Kate McKinnon: You heard her, get down there! [Jerry goes] Oh, very exciting turn of events, folks. Jerry is the Pedigree Broadcast Daddy! [Cut to Jerry is running around the stage like the other daddies did before] Makes a little awkward sex joke, looks great holding a mic. He could take this. [Georgina Mont-Blanc tells other daddies to run with Jerry around the stage] Okay, go around. Wow. Okay, this might be how she wants them.

Georgina Mont-Blanc: Okay. Third Golf Daddy, Second Business Daddy, first, Broadcast Daddy!

Kate McKinnon: Wow! What a coup! Jerry takes best in show!

Jerry: Best daddy! I did it!

[Cut to Kate]

Kate McKinnon: What an exciting daddy show. Thank you for joining us. I don’t have a name. Goodnight.

[Ends with Outro]