Susie… Molly Shannon
Jackie… Heidi Gardner
Jim… Kenan Thompson
Kennedy… Sarah Sherman
Marcello… Evan
[Starts with coworkers giving a gift to a pregnant coworker]
Susie: Oh my god, a waffle maker. That is so nice, Jackie.
Jackie: Well, I just thought maybe you could do Sunday morning waffles with your little girl.
Susie: That’s so sweet, I could cry.
Kennedy: We’re just so happy for you, Susie.
Andrew: Yeah, and we’re really gonna miss you.
Susie: Well, I’ll be back in a few months. Unless Jim fires me. [laughing]
Jim: Oh, come on now, I wouldn’t do that. That would be super illegal.
Susie: And hey, even though I’m starting maternity leave, I’m sure you’ll all be seeing plenty of me.
Bowen: I hope so. After all, I’m the godfather. I’ll make an offer you can’t resist. Still working on the impression.
Kennedy: I just can’t get over how beautiful you look.
Susie: Thank you, Kennedy. Honestly, I’ve actually never felt better. My nails are strong. My skin looks great. I’m just glowing. This is everything I’ve ever wanted.
Jackie: That is so inspiring.
Susie: Well, I’ll leave you guys with this saying that I found on brainyquote.com that really captures kind of the way I’m feeling right now. It’s so beautiful. [reading from a paper] “A mother always has to think twice. Once for herself and once for her child.” That just absolutely nails and maternal feeling surging through my body. Anyway, let me just grab this waffle maker. [Bends to grab the waffle maker, but then farts very long and loud.] God dammit, not again. How many freaking times is this gonna happen to me?
Jim: I’m sorry, was that-
Susie: A fart? Yes, Jim. I ripped a big old fart. Are you happy?
Jim: No. Definitely wouldn’t say happy.
Kennedy: So it was-
Susie: Not a baby, just gas. Yeah, Kennedy obviously. Guess you could have your waffle maker back. I can’t make Sunday morning waffles for a fart.
Jackie: Just keep it. I’m too embarrassed to explain why I’m returning it.
Susie: Dammit, I’ve been playing Mozart to a gas bubble for eight frickin month. I’m so stupid. [farts while sitting]
Andrew: Oh, smells like maybe it was twins. [giggling]
Jackie: Did you go to a doctor?
Susie: What kind of a doctor, Jackie? A fart doctor? Don’t taunt me. Whatever, at least I still get six months maternity leave.
Jim: You definitely do not. You forfeited your maternity leave when you’re stunk up the office.
Andrew: So Susie, this has happened more than once? [Susie is showing four fingers] Four times?
Bowen: How is that even possible, Sisie?
Susie: Oh my god.
Jackie: What?
Susie: I just remembered something. I feel so bad because I remember this morning on the bus, an old man gave me a seat. And then the bus hit a bump and he fell down in the aisle and he died.
Jackie: That was this morning?
Susie: Whatever. Well the good news is I can start drinking again.
Jim: You do know you have work, right?
Evan: Hey, Susie, I got your lunch order from the cafeteria.
Susie: Oh, thank you so much, Evan.
Jackie: What did you get?
Susie: Oh, I get the same thing every day. I get cat fish sliders. [starts eating] Umm, it is really hitting the spot in a very unbelievable way. [Susie stomach gets bigger instantly]
Jackie: Susie, look at your stomach.
Susie: Oh my god. It’s a miracle.
Jim: No.
Susie: It’s a miracle.
Jim: No.
Susie: Guys, I have some really exciting news. I wanted to tell you that I’m pregnant again. Well there’s no need to take a pregnancy test. Call it a mother’s intuition I really think it’d be a nice gesture for all of you to organize a baby shower for me.
Kennedy: You’re not pregnant, Susie. It’s just gas from you’re hungry ass pounding cat fish sliders at 11 AM.
Susie: Look Kennedy, I know you’re a single gal whoring around the city, so you couldn’t possibly understand how- [starts farting again] Oh my god. No. How much suffering can one mother bear? Whatever. At least I can smoke again.
Bowen: No, wait Susie, don’t light that cigar!
[As Susie lights the lighter, the office explodes with all the gas that she farted.]