Susan Page… Kate McKinnon
Mike Pence… Beck Bennett
Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph
Joe Biden… Jim Carrey
Jill Biden… Heidi Gardner
Scientist… Kyle Mooney
[Starts with vice-presidential debate intro]
Male voice: And now, the thing that will change everyone’s minds. The vice-presidential debate.
[Cut to Susan Page in her set]
Susan Page: Good evening. I’m Susan Page and I missed book club for this. Tonight, we’ll be discussing who cares number of topics, each lasting I couldn’t tell you minute. But one thing is for sure. If anything’s gonna be trending on Twitter tonight, it’ll be one of the humans involved in this debate. Let’s welcome them now. Vice president Mike Pence [Mike Pence walks in] and senator Kamala Harris [Kamala Harris walks in spraying sanitizer] [cheers and applause]
Kamala Harris: Oh! Oh! Oh! That’s right. The scent-tator from Kamala-fornia is present.
Susan Page: Thank you, senator. And tonight, you’ll notice that between the candidates, we’ve installed buffet-styled sneeze guards on account of one of you works for patient zero.
Mike Pence: It’s actually fine by me, Susan. Susan PageMike Pence feet apart and separated by plexiglass is how mother and I sleep.
Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, my first question is for you.
Mike Pence: Thank you.
Susan Page: The topic is coronavirus.
Mike Pence: Dammit.
Susan Page: Now, you were in charge of the coronavirus task force, and since you took charge, over Mike Pence00,000 Americans have died. How do you explain that?
Mike Pence: Well, Susan, I’d like to begin by stalling hard. We’re in Utah, wow, what a magnificent state. Even though their basketball team is named after my greatest fear, Jazz. I yield the remainder of my time.
Susan Page: Alright. Senator Harris.
Kamala Harris: You see, this is what they do, Susan. They avoid taking any responsibility–
Mike Pence: We do not.
Kamala Harris: Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking. I’m speaking.
Mike Pence: Yeah. Well, I’m just trying–
Kamala Harris: I’m speaking.
Mike Pence: Yes, but–
Kamala Harris: Yeah, but I’m speaking. See, I’m speaking right now. Estoy hablando Nevada, Arizona, some parts of Texas. I’m speaking.
Mike Pence: I understand that. I understand.
Kamala Harris: Yeah. I don’t think you do. Because you talking and I’m speaking. See, this administration has consistently lied to us about the virus. They said they wanted to keep us calm, but let me ask the American people this, how calm were you when you didn’t know where you were going to get your next roll of toilet paper? Huh? How calm were you when you were staring at that cardboard tube when you finished the roll and you thought, “Well, it’s technically paper.” And how calm were you when even that tube was gone and you looked at your old t-shirts and a pair of scissors and thought, “Are we doing this?” Now, I’d like to hear the vice-president’s response, and while he speaks, I’m gonna smile at him like I’m in a TJ Maxx and a white lady asked me if I work here.
[Kamala Harris is nodding her head and smiling]
Mike Pence: Look, I promise you, the president has taken this virus seriously since the very beginning of last week.
Kamala Harris: Okay, now Susan, what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna switch to more of a Clair Huxtable side eye.
[Kamala Harris is looking at Mike Pence with her side eye]
Mike Pence: President Trump puts the health of all Americans way ahead of his own personal and financial gain.
Kamala Harris: Okay. So now what I’m gonna do is I’m gonna fix my face so you have no idea what I’m thinking, but black women at home knows exactly what I’m thinking. And a few of the white women. And all of the gays.
[Kamala Harris acts like she’s wearing makeup]
Mike Pence: But enough of covid. Lets on the two issues Americans do care about. Swine flu and fracking.
Kamala Harris: Now if anyone should be talking about fracking, it’s my guy Joe Biden. Joe Biden fracks in his free time. Joe Biden will frack you so good, Pennsylvania, and while I personally wanted to ban fracking, now that I know Pennsylvania loves it, I just want to say this. [in accent] You guys can bet your wawa cheesesteak hoagie and all the water in the Schuylkill river, then Joe Biden need to be fracking. Go Wagles!
Susan Page: Now Mr. Vice President, I have to ask this. What is the current health of president Trump?
Mike Pence: Thank you for asking, Susan.
Susan Page: Oh, I wasn’t asking out of sympathy, Mike. I was asking with a shimmering rage for his incompetence in a sadistic hope that he is not well.
Mike Pence: Unfortunately for you then, the president is doing amazing. Thanks to his team of terrified doctors. As you heard from his primary physician Dr. Handsome Liar, Trump is in peak physical condition.
Susan Page: [with disappointed face] Uh-huh. And to be clear, what medication has the president taken?
Mike Pence: Almost none, Susan. He has taken Asprin which he’s always taking, an injection of experimental monoclonal antibodies, a macho man Randy Savage amount of steroids, a woman’s pro-biotic for balance and 60 cc of helium into his skull, so his head doesn’t fall over on TV.
Susan Page: So, like a balloon head?
Mike Pence: That’s correct. Like a balloon head. He is also taking viagra for morale and some horny goat weed he bought at a gas station, because the president believes in medicine. Unlike senator Harris who said she wouldn’t even take a vaccine.
Kamala Harris: Look, if Dr. Fauci says a vaccine is good, I will be the first in line like it’s an Ann Taylor sample sale. But if Trump says it’s safe, I will throw that vaccine in the trash like last week’s shrimp pad thai. Besides, mama’s got all the vaccine she needs right here. [she pulls her martini glass in.]
Susan Page: And senator Harris, if elected, would you pack the supreme court?
[Kamala Harris spits out the martini]
Kamala Harris: Susan, instead of answering that exact question, I would like to tell you the story of when Joe picked me to be his running mate. Joe told me we were just going out for dinner. Then he got down on one knee and that’s when I knew that he needed help up. After that, he gathered himself and said, “Kammala, let’s do this.” And I said, “it’s Kamala.” And he said, “I will never ever, ever get that right.”
Susan Page: That’s very sweet. And vice president Pence, how did president Trump ask you?
Mike Pence: He texted me “Oh my god. I can’t believe those religious psychos made me pick Pence.” And then he texted, “Oops, wrong person.” Then he hasn’t texted me since. Oh, except in March when he wrote “coronavirus is your’s now.”
Kamala Harris: And what did you do to stop that virus? Because Joe Biden and I have a plan.
Mike Pence: Oh, like swine flu?
Kamala Harris: What?
Mike Pence: Swine flu. 2 million dead.
Kamala Harris: 2 million?
Mike Pence: 2 million if you include the swine. Those poor little piggies.
Kamala Harris: Okay. This fool’s up here talking about dead pigs.
[Cut to Joe Biden in his home with his wife watching the debate]
Joe Biden: Lord, love a duck. Kamala can’t get a word in edgewise. This joker drops more road apples than a bull eating a bran muffin.
Jill: Calm down, Joe. It’s okay.
Joe Biden: No, it’s not, Jill. I need to do something. [stands] I need to teleport to that debate and save the soul of this nation. [feeling dizzy] Woah! Got up way too fast.
[There’s a scientist at Joe Biden’s home]
Scientist: But sir, the teleportation machine is not ready yet. M-tracks says it needs at least six more months.
Jill: You heard him, Joe. It’s too dangerous. And what about COVID protocols?
Joe Biden: Don’t worry. I’ll wear a mask… on my eyes.
[The teleportation count-down begins. Joe Biden gets inside the machine. There’s a fly in the time machine too.]
[Cut to Mike Pence speaking at the debate. There’s that fly on his head.]
Mike Pence: And that is how president Trump will make the economy better by making it worse.
Susan Page: I’m sorry to interrupt vice-president Pence. There’s a–
Mike Pence: War on police in this country? I couldn’t agree more.
Susan Page: No, no. There’s a giant–
Mike Pence: Lack of respect for militias? You’re darn right.
Susan Page: No. Senator Harris, help me out.
Kamala Harris: Oh, no. I’m good. Looking real good, Mike. Keep it up.
[Cut to Joe Biden as a fly on Mike Pence’s hair.]
Joe Biden: Let me at him! Buzz, let me at him!
Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, do you not feel that at all?
Mike Pence: I’ll tell you what I feel, Susan. I feel for the businesses that are going to be crippled by Joe Biden’s tax cuts.
Joe Biden: Yes, yes. Your economy is so on the toilet, I wanna lay my eggs on it. What? What?
[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]
Jill: Oh, no. There must have been a fly in the teleportation machine. That’s why Joe turned into a fly.
Scientist: Yeah. But that doesn’t explain why he sounds like Jeff Goldblum.
[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]
Jeff Goldblum: God created dinosaurs. Dinosaurs became republican. Republicans created Trump. Trump destroys god. Oh!
[Cut to Jill Biden in her home watching the debate]
Jill: Oh, no. Now he’s gone full Goldblum.
Scientist: He even has the glasses.
[Cut to Jeff Goldblum playing Joe Biden as the fly]
Jeff Goldblum: apartments.com. The most popular place to find a place. No, no. Yes, yes. Because life finds way.
Susan Page: Mr. Vice President.
[Now there are two flies on Mike Pence’s head]
Mike Pence: Yes.
Susan Page: Mr. Vice President, there’s another one.
Mike Pence: Another Antifa rally? No surprise there.
Kamala Harris: Oh, honey. At this point, I’m just enjoying the show. [Kamala Harris pulls out and starts eating popcorn]
[Cut to two flies, Jeff Goldblum and Herman Cain]
Herman Cain: Man, what kind of nonsense is Mike Pence trying to pull?
Jeff Goldblum: Do tell, do tell. Wait, I’m sorry. Friend, you look familiar.
Herman Cain: Well, I better. I’m Herman Cain reincarnated as a damn fly. And these fools, Trump and Pence killed me, man. They invited me to a rally with no mask. Said, “Everything is fine, Herman.” I catch corona. Trump tell me, “Everything is fine, Herman.” The White House doctors, they checked me out and they said, “Everything fine, Herman.” Three days later, I’m gone. If you watching this at home, don’t trust this white devil about corona.
Susan Page: Yes, vice president Pence, I think one of your flies is screaming at you.
Tiny voice: Whity’s gonna give you the corona.
Susan Page: Okay, I think we need to shut this debate down for the good of humanity. Senator Harris, would you like to do what everyone at home wants to do?
[Kamala Harris is holding a fly killer racket]
Kamala Harris: Oh, I would.
[Kamala Harris hits on Mike Pence’s head]
Susan Page: Flies, anything else you’d like to add?
[Cut to the two flies. Herman Cain is injured by the hit.]
Herman Cain: Oh! Am I dying again?
[Fly Jeff Goldblum pukes]
Jeff Goldblum: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Herman Cain and Jeff Goldblum: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.