Michael Cohen Wiretap Cold Open

Michael Cohen… Ben Stiller

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Harold Bornstein… Martin Short

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Host… Heidi Gardner

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johansson

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

Stormy Daniels

[Starts with a video message “The following is based on real events.”]

[Cut to Michael Cohen walking around a telephone booth. He is wearing a suit. He picks up the phone and dials the number. The phone is connecting.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: [answering the phone] Hello, it’s Donald Trump. Who this?

Michael Cohen: It’s Michael Cohen. God, I miss you so much.

Donald Trump: Oh, hey. What’s up, amigo? How you holding up in prison?

Michael Cohen: I’m not in prison.

Donald Trump: Oh, well. Give it a couple of weeks.

Michael Cohen: Mr. Trump, we’re in big trouble. I think they know about our allusion-K and obstruction of justice, J.

Donald Trump: Sorry. I don’t speak Spanish.Wait, are you on a secure line?

Michael Cohen: Absolutely. I dialed *Mike PenceMelania Trump before the numbers. So, it’s completely untraceable.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut back to Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Listen, Trump. I don’t know what to do. You keep changing your story on Stormy Daniels payment.

Donald Trump: Look. Let’s get Rudy Giuliani on the phone. He’ll fix this. He’s got the sharpest legal mind since my cousin Vinny.

Michael Cohen: Um, okay. But, just to be safe let me call you back with one of my burner phones.

Donald Trump: Wait, you kept the burner phones? That’s not good.

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone, and dials the number on his burner phone.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein.]

Harold Bornstein: [Harold Bornstein answering the phone] Yes, hello. This is Dr. Harold Bornstein. Would you like to know any of my patient’s medical history?

Michael Cohen: Dammit! I tried to dial Trump Donald but I dialed Trump doctor.

Harold Bornstein: Is this you, Michael Cohen? Michael, I’m glad you called. Someone broke into my office and stole my file. I guess you could say I was [yelling] raped!

Michael Cohen: I don’t think you could say that.

Harold Bornstein: Well, I already did. [yelling] Raped!

Michael Cohen: Alright. Can we talk about this later?

Harold Bornstein: No. I’m busy later. [giggling] No, I’m kidding. I have zero commitment personally and professionally. But if you ever want to do drugs, I can get you all the drugs.

[Cut to two FBI agents listening to their conversation, shaking their heads.]

[Cut to Michael Cohen and Harold Bornstein]

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll call you back, Harold. Goodbye.

Harold Bornstein: Okay. I’ll just be sitting here in my office where I live. [yelling] Bye!

[Cut to Michael Cohen. He hangs up the phone and dials another number.]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Rudy Giuliani]

Rudy Giuliani: [answering the phone] Hello.

Michael Cohen: Rudy? Is that you?

Rudy Giuliani: Yes. That’s right. It’s me, Rudy. Rudy Giuliani. Trump’s lawyer and his worst nightmare.

Michael Cohen: Rudy, can we speak freely? Are you alone?

[Cut to Rudy Giuliani in the set of an interview at FOX News. The host is sitting right next to him.]

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah. Yeah. I’m pretty much alone. [to Sarah Huckabee Sanders] This is a commercial break, right toots?

Host: No.

Rudy Giuliani: Okay. Yeah, we’re, good to talk. Good to talk.

Michael Cohen: Alright. Let in loop in Mr. Trump. [Rudy Giuliani presses buttons] Alright, is everyone on?

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Yes.

Rudy Giuliani: Yes.

[The FBI Agents are nodding their heads yes.]

Michael Cohen: Guys, can we please just decide on one lie and stick to it? Coz our stories are all over the place.

Donald Trump: Guys, hold that thought. I’m getting a call from work. [Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Sarah Huckabee Sanders]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Mr. President, I have lost all credibility. Did you lie to me about the Stormy Daniels affair?

Donald Trump: Yeah. That sounds like something I would do.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Okay, good. Just as long as we’re on the same page. I’m good to go. See you on Monday.

[Donald Trump presses a button.]

[Cut to split screen between Michael Cohen, Rudy Giuliani, Donald Trump and the FBI agents.]

Donald Trump: Okay, I’m back.

Rudy Giuliani: Guys, guys, can we hurry this up? I’m supposed to do 25 more talk show appearances today and I’m trying to make it like an advert calendar where I reveal one new crime in each show.

[phone ringing]

Michael Cohen: Oh, I’m getting another call. Hang on.

[Michael Cohen answers the phone]

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Hello, Michael. It’s Melania.

Michael Cohen: Oh, hey, Melania. I was just talking to Donald about–

Melania Trump: Yeah, yeah. Listen, I have completely hypothetical question for a friend of mine, okay? If your husband is accused of crime, would she have to testify against him?

Michael Cohen: No.

Melania Trump: But could she? If she wants to?

Michael Cohen: I guess she could.

Melania Trump: Oh, my friend will be so happy. Thank you Michael.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone. He is looking at all the phones and is confused.]

Michael Cohen: Wait, which phone was Mr. Trump on? [looks at one phone and speaks on it] Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Omarosa Manigault]

Omarosa Manigault: Yeah. This is Omarosa an I’m still pissed off.

Michael Cohen: No!

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Mike Pence]

Mike Pence: Hi there, stranger. What’s your name?

Michael Cohen: Mike Pence?

Mike Pence: Who is this? I was told this was a party line with no questions asked?

Michael Cohen: Ah! I gotta call you back.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Hello?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen, Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner. Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner are standing together. Ivanka is on the phone.]

Ivanka Trump: Yes, this is Ivanka and Jared. [cheers and applause]

Jared Kushner: [squeaky voice] Hi, hi. Hello.

Ivanka Trump: Michael, did we hear Giuliani called Jared disposable on national television? Coz, Jared is furious.

Jared Kushner: [yelling] Yeah, man! Like, what the hell? I’m so mad right now. You didn’t even want to see me. I mean, I could cut a bitch! Don’t ever try to cover me. [making noise]

Michael Cohen: Listen. Ivanka, you know your dad would do anything to protect you. But if he needs to, he’d throw Jared under the bus in a heartbeat.

Jared Kushner: What did he say?

Ivanka Trump: He said you’re fine.

Michael Cohen: Alright. I’ll talk to you later.

[Michael Cohen hangs up the phone and speaks on another.]

Mr. Trump?

[Cut to split screen with Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Where the hell were you Michael? I don’t have time to wait on hold. I was supposed to be meeting with my new chief strategist, Kanye West.

Michael Cohen: What do you want me to do?

Donald Trump: Call up Stormy Daniels and fix this once and for all. Maybe keep me on the phone too. I’ll just be quiet and listen.

[Michael Cohen presses buttons]

[Cut to Stormy Daniels answering the phone]

Stormy Daniels: Hello.

[Cut to split screen with Stormy Daniels, Michael Cohen and Donald Trump]

Michael Cohen: Stormy, this is Michael Cohen. Are you alone?

Stormy Daniels: Yes.

Donald Trump: And what are you wearing?

Stormy Daniels: Excuse me?

[Michael Cohen is pissed off that Donald Trump spoke]

Donald Trump: Okay, Michael. I can take it from here.

Michael Cohen: Okay. But as your attorney, I highly advice against you–

[Donald Trump cuts Michael Cohen from the line]

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels.]

Donald Trump: So, wad up, girl?

Stormy Daniels: Hello, Donald.

Donald Trump: Come on, Stormy. Stop making such a big deal about this. Everyone knows it’s just an act.

Stormy Daniels: I work in adult films. We’re really not known for our acting.

Donald Trump: Just tell me what do you need for this to all go away?

Stormy Daniels: A resignation.

Donald Trump: Yeah, right. Being president is like doing porn. Once you do it, it’s hard to do anything else. Besides, my poll numbers are finally up. And speaking of polls being up–

Stormy Daniels: Donald?

Donald Trump: Oh, come on. We’ll always have shark week. I solved North and South Korea. But can I solve us?

Stormy Daniels: Sorry, Donald. It’s too late for that. I know you don’t believe in climate change but a storm’s coming, baby.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’ve never been so scared and so horny at the same time.

Stormy Daniels and Donald Trump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Turtle Shirt

Jimmy Fallon

Kyle Mooney

Pete Davidson

Bobby Moynihan

Sasha… Vanessa Bayer

Beck Bennett

Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with Jimmy  joking around with his office colleagues]

Jimmy : I’m serious. I went to this lunch thing at his house. And it was like sears all the way. [everyone laughing] Also, have you ever noticed how low the hairline is. [Kyle walks in behind Jimmy ] I think it’s where his eyebrows start. [everyone laughing]

Kyle: Patrick! Can I walk with you in my office?

[Jimmy  turns around looking scared]

Female voice: You’ve been caught talking about your boss again? If you could only hide somewhere. Now, you can. Inside your shirt.

[music playing]

[Jimmy  pulls his head inside his shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

The turtle shirt, by Swag.

Turtle shirts are made from plastrals and keratinous scutes. The same materials from which a turtle’s shell is made. Our shirts offer an mazing and comfortable place to wait out any unwanted and embarrassing situations.

[Cut to a party]

Pete: Great party.

Bobby: Thanks Jeff.

Sasha: Uh, here you go.

Pete: Hey, have you met my wife?

Pete: You know, I haven’t. Can I just say, your hair is so pretty that it actually kind of looks fake.

[Bobby and Sasha looks at each other]

Bobby: Sasha works with orangutans and one of them took her scalp off.

Sasha: It capped me. That’s the primary term for it.

Bobby: The top of her head is completely fake.

[Pete is embarrassed. Pete pulls his head and hands inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: It’s like having a personal panic room on your back.

[Cut to Beck walking to his friends]

Beck: Hey, who wants to see a picture of my new baby?

Sasheer: Oh, yeah. I’d love to. [Beck shows Sasheer a picture] This is a penis.

Beck: What is?

Sasheer: This picture is a penis.

Beck: Oh, my god! No. That’s not my baby.

Sasheer: Was that your penis?

Beck: Yeah, right. I doubt it.

[Sasheer is staring at Beck]

[Beck is embarrassed. Beck pulls his head, hands and legs inside the shirt like turtle hiding in it’s shell.]

Female voice: Turtle shirt, by Swag. Available only at Lord and Taylor.

Male voice: Warning: Lying on your back while inside the turtle shirt may result to death.

Take Me Back

Beck Bennett

Jen… Cecily Strong

Doug… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Beck and Jen sitting on a couch]

Beck: Okay, okay. On the count of three, favorite food. One, two, three.

Beck and Jen: Pizza!

Jen: Okay, wow! This feels right. I like you.

Beck: More than pizza?

Jen: Okay. Alright. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, mister. But maybe.

[Beck and Jen start kissing]

[door knocking]

Who could that be? It’s midnight.

[Jen opens the door. Doug walks in. He has a music player and a flower bouquet.]

Doug: Hi.

Jen: [sign] Doug! What are you doing here?

Doug: I just needed to see you. I want you back.

Jen: Now is not a good time, Doug.

Doug: Wait, what? You have a guy over? We just broke up like, five days ago.

Jen: You know what? I don’t need to defend myself, Doug. Okay? You know what you did.

Doug: I know. I’m sorry. I messed up. But if you give me a chance, I promise [Doug plays music] I will love you truly, madly and deeply.

[Doug opens his raincoat. He is wearing white suit inside.]

[singing very bad] I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy
I’ll be your love, I’ll be your hope, be everything that you need
I’ll love you more with every breath truly madly deeply do
I will be strong, I will be faithful coz I’m counting on 

[opens his coat, he is wearing a t-shirt with Jen’s face printed on it]

a new beginning, a reason for living, a deeper meaning, yeah

[two backup singers walk in wearing the same suit and same t-shirt]

Singers: I wanna stand with you on a mountain

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna bathe with you in the sea

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: I wanna lay like this forever

Backup singers: Jen.

Singers: Until the sky falls down on me.

Doug: So, what do you say, Jen? I know I made one of the biggest mistakes a person can make but I’m sorry. And I’m asking you to take me back… [gets down on his knees to propose with a ring] forever. What do you say?

Jen: No, Doug! You dragged a man off a plane this week!

Doug: [standing and leaving] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Backup singers: Wait, that’s what you did?

[Jen closes the door after they leave]

Jen: Sorry. Oh, I’m so sorry about him.

Beck: That’s okay. Don’t worry about him.

Jen: Anyway, back to us. Tell me more about you. what do you do?

Beck: Ah! Well, I just directed a huge Pepsi commercial.

Jen: [disappointed] No!

Sully and Denise (Rachel Dratch)

Alex Moffat

Sully… Jimmy Fallon

Denise… Rachel Dratch

Cecily Strong

Little Denise… Kate McKinnon

Leslie Jones

[Starts with a video recorded by a camera phone. Alex is speaking.]

Alex: So, this is Straus hall originally built in 1926. It has been home to such notable alums as Burroughs and chief justice John Roberts

Sully: I remember my childhood habit. I showed up for a medical experiment. I slept for three days. They paid me $3.

Denise: Wicked pissa! This place is beautiful. It’s like Hogwarts with more asians.

Sully: I would be Gryffindor.

Denise: Your are Hufflepuff and you know it.

Sully: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out]

Alex: Great! Um, does anybody have any questions?

Cecily: Oh, yes. what percentage of freshman live on campus?

Sully: Also, is there an in-house Dunkin?

Denise: Yeah. I’m in dire need of a butter can Dunkinccino.

Alex: I’m sorry, folks. Who are you?

Sully: Um, my name is Patt Solven. This is my girl Denise.

Denise: Call me Zaa-Zoo. Unless I’m at work, in which case, call me doctor.

Cecily: Um, what kind of medice do you practice?

Denise: Oh, no, sweetheart. I wear a lab coat and insert hearts in the build-a-bears at the Burlington mall.

Alex: Um, I’m really sorry. This tour is for accepted students and their parents.

Denise: Uh, yeah! No durp Sherlock. Our daughter is over there pretending to be part of another family. [Little Denise is hiding behind Indian parents] Come on, say hi, lil Denise.

Little Denise: My gosh, dad, you promised me you weren’t going to film this.
Sully: Are you kidding me? It’s a momentous occasion. You are the first person in our family to complete an application.

Denise: Of any kind, of any kind. [pointing Sully] This one couldn’t get through an application to the Abby’s reward’s club.

Sully: It’s worth it though.

Little Denise: Mom, why did Tommy have to come? It’s 2017, you could cold the cameraphone yourself.

Denise: Ah! Don’t knock your uncle Tommy. He’s the only one that knows how to use those filters.

Sully: Hey, Tommy, hit me. Watch this. Watch.

[Sully and Denise have puppy snapchat filters]

Woof! Woof! Yea!

Alex: So, um, little Denise will be matriculating to Harvard in the fall?

Little Denise: Yes.

Sully: She’s undecided. It’s between Harvard and my Alma Mater, mcneelyheatingandcooling.com.

Denise: yeah. Little D’s is a certified brainiac. she’s like Good Will Hunting.

Sully: Yeah. She’s a math genius. And a violent prodigy.

Denise: She gets that from me though. I am a wiz a karaoke, right? [singing] Pour some sugar on me!

Little Denise: That’s not appropriate right now.

Denise: God bless you. God bless you, little D.  You always taught us what is and isn’t appropriate.

Sully: yeah, for example, we used to call each other re–

Little Denise: [interrupting] Dad! Dad!

Sully: But now we have to say you’re intellectually disabled.

Denise: You are.

[Sully and Denise start making out.

Leslie: I have a question. What is this school’s policy on drinking on campus?

Alex: Um, sure. We have a very strict policy. We monitor all campus spaces and alcohol is not permitted anywhere on the premises.

[Denise is drinking her alcohol in one shot to finish it.]

Sully: Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Chug it. Alright.

Little Denise: Please excuse my parent’s behavior. They ate a lot of paint chips growing up.

Sully: Yeah. We sure did. We called them radiator nachos.

Little Denise: Probably effected the development of the pre-frontal cortex.

Denise: Sweetheart, sweetheart, you know we can’t understand you when you talk all smart like that.

Little Denise: I was just saying you’re being wicked odd. Drop your rod socks, stick your head under a bubble before you end up getting hold back to bricker in the back of the crosa.

Denise: Copy that.

Sully: Message received. So, how much is a year?

Alex: Current tuition is $63,025.

Denise: A week?

Alex: No. A year.

Denise: No register, no better.

Sully: Hey, are there scholarships for ethnic students? Her middle name is Nomar.

Denise: Nomar!

Little Denise: Nomar!

Sully: Nomar!

Alex: Um, I am actually not sure that qualifies.

Sully: Um, well that price is a tag dear, but we can make sacrifices. For example, what does a man in my situation need with so many kidneys?

Denise: Yeah! I mean, I could get a night job doing night jobs by the bridge. I could.

Little Denise: No, you guys. It’s fine. I will go to McNeili. I will never fit in here with all these fancy kids.

Leslie: Um, excuse me, but do you know when this Manchester by the sea thing will be over so we can continue with the tour?

Denise: Come on! We on’t need these stuff shirt. Let’s go do donuts in the parking lot of Stop and Shop.

Little Denise: Oh, like we used to do when I was a kid.

Denise: Exactly.

[Sully, Denise and Little Denise leave]

Alex: Um, okay, back to our tour. Surrounding us are the freshman dorms. That’s Holas, that’s Stotten and that’s Hurlbutt.

[Sully and Denise run back]

Sully: Wait, seriously? Hurlbutt? That’s fur real?

Alex: Um, yes.

Little Denise: So, if you live there and someone asks where you live, you say…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: And if you eat of bunch of Chipotle and suddenly you have to run back to your dorn, you run back to…

Alex: Hurlbutt.

Sully: Oh, my god! Tommy, please tell me you got that.

Denise: Harvard it is. We’ll make it work.

Jimmy Fallon Let’s Dance Monologue

Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jimmy Fallon.

[Jimmy Fallon walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

Jimmy Fallon: Thank you very much, everybody. Thank you very much. It is so great. I love you. I love you. It’s so great to be back here on ‘Saturday Night Live.’ This is where it all started for me. And I’m so happy to come home. Tonight is extra special because this is the first time in SNL history that we are going out live coast to coast all across the country and Canada. Tonight is bigger than a show. It’s a party.

[band playing music]

Hello, Chicago. Hello, San Fransisco. We’re out here at New York city.

Hello Montreal. Hello Houston, Colorado, New Hampshire.

[Jimmy Fallon stars dancing and walking around at the audience side]

Brooklyn!

[Jimmy Fallon calls the audience, and they stand and dance with him too]

[singing] Let’s dance
Put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s dance
on song they’re playing on the radio

[Harry Styles joins]
Let’s Sway
from the lights of you face
Let’s Sway
sway through the crowd to an empty space

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower 

[guitar solo]

Let’s dance

put on your red shoes and dance the blues
Let’s sway
under the moonlight, this serious moonlight

If you say run, I’ll run with you
If you say hide, we’ll hide

Because my love for you
would break my heart in two
if you should fall into my arms
and tremble like a flower

[music stops]

We have got a great show tonight! Harry Styles is here! Stick around and we’ll be right back!

Family Feud Time Travel Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Liza Minnelli… Cecily Strong

Diana Ross… Sasheer Zamata

Mick Jagger… Harry Styles

John Travolta… Jimmy Fallon

Kristen Stewart… Kate McKinnon

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

David Blaine… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Male voice: It’s time to play Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Steve Harvey walks in the stage]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Oh, yes. Yeah, okay, now. Welcome to Celebrity Family Feud, Time Travel edition. Here, we got stars from 2017 going up against stars from 1977. Now, you’re probably asking yourself, “How the hell did this time travel thing happen?” Here’s my answer. I don’t know. I come to work. I don’t ask no questions. Then they give me a check. And I go to one of the other four TV shows that I do made specially for black women taking a sick day. Alright, let’s meet our players. First up on the 1977 side, the actors from the movie Cabaret, is Liza Minnelli.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli.]

Liza Minnelli: Oh. Outlandish, the set! Look at this wall. It’s the most wonderful thing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ha-ha. You know? It always feels like somebody just freed you from a bubble. Okay, next up, we got the original Beyonce, Ms. Diana Ross.

[Cut to Diana Ross]

Diana Ross: Thank you, Steve. Thank you all of you. My smile’s as big as my hair.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, yeah, I love your hair. But I feel bad for the 10 bald ladies somewhere in India right now. Next up, we got rock and roll legend, Mick Jagger.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Hello there, Steve. A lovely show. It’s a bit of fun in it.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, man! I love the stones. I even love your latest stuff when you weren’t solo.

[Cut to Mick Jagger]

Mick Jagger: Solo? Um, why would anyone in successful band go solo? That is insane.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Hey, some people do it. And finally, we got the star Saturday Night Fever, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Thanks. This is like crazy. Can’t believe it. I like this game show, right. Like, the lights and everything is really crazy. Oh, my god.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you like if somebody taught a pizza how to talk. Okay, let’s go to team 2017. First up, we got actress from Twilight movies, Kristen Stewart.

[Cut to Kristen Stewart]

Kristen Stewart: Dude. I don’t know. I’m just like, so excited. I’m so honored to be here. I don’t know. Whatever.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, you look like a witch cursed you not to smile but you’re trying anyway. Next, we got singer and judge on The Voice, Gwen Stefani.

[Cut to Gwen Stefani]

Gwen Stefani: What’s up? This is really cool to be here, Steve. Let me hear you holla back, girl.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You know, I can’t tell if you’re trying to be black or asian. Next, we got magician and all around creep show, David Blaine.

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: Uh! I’m so excited to be here. This is amazing.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, you not going to do that thing where you puke up frogs, are you?

[Cut to David Blaine]

David Blaine: [raises his glass] No.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. And finally, we’ve got the start of the People vs O.J. Simpson, Mr. John Travolta.

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Oh, such a joyous thing. Specially you, the wonderfully talented Starvey Hivson.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Wait a minute, there’s two of you. Man, this is freaky!

[Cut to John Travolta]

John Travolta: Actually, it’s a beautiful, magical thing, Starvey. It’s a joyous thing. It’s the most interesting work I’ve done since my mini-series about O.J.

[Cut to Liza Minnelli]

Liza Minnelli: Oh! O.J. Simpson! Oh, I adore the ‘Juiced.’

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: You might want to hold on for few years on that thing. Okay, let’s play the feud. Give me Liza, give me Kristen. Let’s do this.

[Liza Minnelli and Kristen Stewart walk front]

Liza Minnelli: Oh, my, look at you. You’re just– you’re a poor little orphan boy, but you’re so beautiful.

Steve Harvey: Okay, 100 people surveyed–

Liza Minnelli: 100 people! Oh, what a great crowd.

Steve Harvey: Lord, I know you brought this woman here to test me. Okay, top four answers on the board. Name something that keeps you up at night. [buzzer sound] Kristen.

Kristen Stewart: I don’t know, dude. I don’t know. I don’t know. I just like, I’m sleeping and I’m waiting for the next day coz I’m excited. I don’t know. Whatever. Whatever.

Steve Harvey: You almost said something that I can understand. I commend your poet. Show me some kind of mumbo-jumbo.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Nope, it’s not there. Liza, something that keeps you up at night.

Liza Minnelli: Oh, everything. Absolutely everything. But lately it’s been a terrible unqualified president Jimmy Carter. He’s just a peanut farm.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Ay, I’m not going to tell her. Show me president Waka-doo!

[The answer is in second place]

Oh! Man! You know, what’s true then is even truer now.

[Steve Harvey walks to team 1977]

Okay, team 1977 has it. Let’s go to Diana Ross.

Diana Ross: [yelling] Thank you!

Steve Harvey: Something that keeps you up at night.

Diana Ross: Well, Steve, I have this terrible dream where I’m out in public and I look down, and I’m not wearing sequin.

Steve Harvey: Girl, you make crazy look good. Show me some kin of vodka hallucination.

[The answer is in fourth place]

Ay! Number four. Alright, let’s go to Mick Jagger. Something that keeps you up at night.

Mick Jagger: Um, well, um, if I’m up, it’s because I’ve got a little manky-panky. Ah!

Steve Harvey: I don’t know what you saying. But I know what you saying. Show me getting all kinds of nasty.

[The answer is in third place]

Alright, you got it. You got three. Final turn goes to young Travolta.

John Travolta: Well, it’s just like crazy. I gotta say, you know, what keeps me up night, it’s like, I’m afraid of getting older, you know? What’s gonna happen to my career? What’s gonna happen to Sandy? What’s gonna happen to my beautiful hair.

Steve Harvey: Well, young Travolta, I gotta tell. I bet 2017 John Travolta know a thing or two about that, right there. I think that you’ll be fine. As older man, you know you’ll have a long career. You’re gonna be doing lots of movies. Great movies. Ain’t that right, 2017 John Travolta?

John Travolta: Absolutely. John, you’re going to be fantastic. It’s about journey of life and how beautiful and joyous it is.

Steve Harvey: Yeah, you see that, young John Travolta? You gotta great career ahead of you. You ain’t got nothing to worry about. Okay, young Travolta? So, next time you worried about something, don’t be worried about it, right young Travolta?

John Travolta: Yes. I’m never gonna worry about it again. I feel so much better now. So I’m gonna say what keeps me up at night is this weird feeling that one day Nicholas Cage is gonna try to steal my place.

Steve Harvey: Yeah. I’d worry about that too. Show Nicholas Cage might steal your face.

[The answer is in the first place]

Oh! Number one answer. Alright, 1977 has it. Let’s go to commercial. When we come back, I’m gonna ask these 1977 people what they think the words ‘Barack Obama’ means. We’ll see ya. Y’all know what I mean.

Donald Trump Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Steve Bannon

Jared Kushner… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Donald Trump and Mike Pence in White House]

Donald Trump: Oh, Pence. Pence has started to believe I’ve president almost 100 days and I’ve already done so much. It’s hard to keep track of it all. Read to me again from the list of my accomplishments.

Mike Pence: Of course, sir. Nominated Neil Gorsuch.

Donald Trump: God, I love that list. What a beautiful, long list. But Mike, you forgot about all the bombings that I’ve been doing. I just dropped the mother of all bombs on ISIS. The biggest, fattest bomb they’ve ever seen. It’s so big and fat, it almost looks like me when I’m on my golf clothes.

Mike Pence: I’ll add that to the list, sir.

Donald Trump: Look around, Mike. We got so many great memories in this room.

Mike Pence: Yeah. If these walls could talk.

Donald Trump: Oh my god, can they? It wasn’t me.

Mike Pence: No, sir. That’s just a saying.

Donald Trump: Anyway, like I was saying, so many memories in this room. This is where I met with the Chinese president.

Mike Pence: That was at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I ordered the Syrian strike.

Mike Pence: That was also at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: This is where I showed classified information to the Japanese prime minister.

Mike Pence: That was in front of waiters at Mar-A-Lago, sir.

Donald Trump: I know one thing that was here for sure. Remember when I refused to shake the hand with that little German boy?

Mike Pence: Umm, you mean Angela Merkel.

Donald Trump: Whatever his name was. the point is, these 100 days have been such a success. And I’m so sad my presidency is finally coming to an end.

Mike Pence: No sir, you still have over 1300 days left.

Donald Trump: I don’t know. Have you seen my tweets about North Korea? This could all be over by Monday.

Mike Pence: Ha-ha. Sir, I love when you so casually joke about North Korean.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, no. I take North Korea very seriously. Kim Jong-Un is a bad, bad guy. He’s a war monger. He’s quick to anger. He’s a huge narcissist. He’s got the stupid little haircut. I mean, how can a little man like that run an entire country?

Mike Pence: I have no idea, sir. I just wish you’d leave North Korea alone. I mean, we have plenty of problems at home. For example, your top advisor Steve Bannon and Jared Kushner have been at each other’s throats. It’s a huge distraction for us. I think you need to talk to them.

Donald Trump: Fine! Send in Steve Bannon. Send him in.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He’s a grim reaper.]

Steve, wow! You’ve never looked younger. Now, send in my sweet little kush ball, Jared Kushner.

[Jared Kushner walks in wearing a bullet proof vest over his suit]

Boys, I’ve called you here for an important reason. Mike, will you excuse us?

Mike Pence: Happy to, sir. Mother is waiting. That’s what I call my wife.

Donald Trump: Oh, no, don’t do that. Don’t do that. I know I’m bad with women, but that sounds even worse.

Mike Pence: Understood, father.

[Mike Pence leaves]

Donald Trump: Jared, Steve, standing before are my two top advisors. But I only have one photo in my hand. That’s right, tonight is elimination night. There has been a lot of drama in the house and that’s why one of you must go. Now. Who gets to stay? Jared? You take the most beautiful photos. Steve, you take the worst photos I have ever seen in my life. And I’m not joking. When I see a photo of you, it makes me want to puke. Okay? Jared, I’ve sent you all around the world to represent me and no one has ever heard you speak. You’re like a little Jewish Omaly. And Steve, you may be smart, but I once walked in on you eating a live pig in the Roosevelt room.

Steve Bannon: Ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Donald Trump: Moment of truth. The photo in my hand represents the man who will be staying tonight. You will get to keep advising me and you will also get $100,000 courtesy of L’Oreal. If you do not see your photo, you must immediately leave the Oval Office and join Kellyanne Conway in the basement. But don’t worry, your journey doesn’t end tonight because you will bet to come back at the end of all of this and help send me to prison. And the person that will stay on as my adviser is… Jared. Congratulations, Jared. And Steve, I’m sorry, but it’s a good bye. Take him back to hell.

[a bigger grim reaper walks in and takes Steve Bannon away]

Steve Bannon: [screaming] No!

Donald Trump: Jared, you’re such an inspiration. You showed everybody that if you are born rich and marry my daughter, you can have anything you want. Have a seat at your new desk. I’d like you to just fix everything, okay? [Donald Trump leaves the president’s desk to Jared Kushner] If you need me, I will be over here in mine. [Donald Trump sits on a smaller desk that’s beside president’s desk]

Hey, Jared, I know you don’t like to talk, but why don’t you take it away? Shall we?

[Jared Kushner is struggling to speak]

God, you’re such a cute little twink! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Civil War Soldiers

Jimmy Fallon

Mikey Day

Alex Moffatt

Beck Bennett

Greg… Harry Styles

Captain… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with a Union Army Camp in 1863.]

Jimmy : I heard we’re marching south tomorrow.

Mikey: Feels like this war’s never going to end. I swear, sometimes, I forget what we are even fighting for.

Alex: Yeah. We’ve been fighting this war so long, I wonder if my family will even recognize me.

Beck: Oh, I’m tired of hearing all this grumbling. How about a song? Something to lift our spirits. A real foot stomper.

Alex: How about ‘Old New York?’

Beck: Ah! Old New York. Now that’s the tune that will put the fight back in you. What do you say, boys?

All: Alright!

Alex: Great song.

[music palying]

Beck: [singing] Well, I’m from New York, I am from up north in yankee land
then one day the union army came a calling
they said son grab up your gun, there is glory to be won
and soon the dixie boys will be a falling

All: One, two, three, it’s the union calls for me
that we fear the grape shot nor the canon roar
oh, liberty and I happily
and bury me back home in Old New York

Jimmy : [standing] And we’re singing like,
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, party till the sun come up

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, we’ll stay up for ever now

[Everone else is staring Jimmy  looking confused]

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, dance until the pills wear off
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,, it’s a party at my parent’s house

[Jimmy  sits back]

Beck: Um, I don’t remember that part of Old New York.

Jimmy : Oh, no. Sorry, I added it. I felt like it needed like a fat catchy hook people can sing along. It’s good, right?

Mikey: Yeah. I mean, it’s already stuck in my head.

Greg: You know what would sound good? If you all did a bridge after that hook.

Beck: Hey, Greg, shut up.

Greg: Okay.

Beck: Listen. Old New York is a soldier’s song. It’s about courage and making your loved ones proud. So maybe best not to change it.

Jimmy : Oh, of course. Just musically, it felt like it wanted that hook. Keep going.

Beck: [singing] Now I miss my family and I miss New York City,
but to run away from war is a disgrace
if the rebel shoot me down

Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: Tell my family I was found
Jimmy : [singing in the background] party at my parent’s house

Beck: On the ground with a smile on the face.

Jimmy : Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa [build up]

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, skinny dipping in the pool
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, all our friends are making out
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,…

Beck: I don’t know what to say.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, it’s a party at my parent’s house.

[Greg walks in]

Greg: Oh my god! there she is, the girl I like
suddenly, it’s all clear
this is the best night of my life
everybody sing it right.

All: Oh, oh, oh–

[Captain walks in]

Captain: What the hell is going on here?

Beck: Oh, I’m very sorry, sir. I thought some singing might boost morale in camp.

Captain: Oh, no. I’m sorry. I was pretending like I was the dad in the song. Like, coming home and seeing the party at my house and be like, “What’s going on?” Being like, angry.

Jimmy : Let’ go. That would be a fun break in the song.

Mikey: Yeah. Maybe it’s like a switcheroo and the dad’s actually into it?

[Beck looks disppointed]

Jimmy : Yeah, yeah. Or we can just do the regular version of Old New York.

Beck: Oh, who am I kidding? That hook is fire. The whole track is absolutely lit. Let’s take it from the dad coming in.

Captain: [clearing throat] Nobody parties at my house! Without me!

Beck: Two, three, four.

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited

Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh,

Greg: Everybody know themselves!

All: Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh, everybody get excited
Oh-oh, oh-oh, oh…

Jimmy : It’s a party at my parent’s house.

[explosion]

Oh, man! That canon sounded amazing. Hey, props to whoever shot that cannon. That was a fun punch at the end.

Beck: That wasn’t one of our’s.

Jimmy : Then who shot it?

[explosion and smoke effect]

Male voice: And when the smoke cleared, all that was left of the third New York infantry was their bravery, their sacrifice and our nation’s first big fat hook.

Weekend Update Two Undecided Voters

Colin Jost

Denise McDonough… Tina Fey

Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.

[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in]

[cheers and applause]

Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.

Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.

Colin Jost: Hi there.

Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.

Doreen Troilo: I love it.

Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.

Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.

Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.

Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”

Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.

Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?

Denise McDonough: Hah!

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.

Colin Jost: Really?

Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.

Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.

Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–

Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.

Denise McDonough: Colin, right?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.

Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Ah!

Doreen Troilo: I get it.

Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.

Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost:  So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?

Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?

Denise McDonough: Yes.

Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.

Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.

Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.

Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.

Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.

Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.

Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.

Denise McDonough: So fun.

Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.

Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.

Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.

Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.

Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.

Denise McDonough: Umm..

Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.

Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves]

[Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!