Weekend Update Two Undecided Voters

Colin Jost

Denise McDonough… Tina Fey

Doreen Troilo.. Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: As poll numbers in swing states remain close, they are speculating that this election could be decided by the female voters of suburban, Philadelphia. Please welcome two undecided voters from Clifton Heights, Pennsylvania, Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo.

[Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo slide in] [cheers and applause]

Doreen Troilo: Hi, Colin.

Denise McDonough: Hi, Colin Jost. Hi, Che.

Colin Jost: Hi there.

Doreen Troilo: We brought you some hogies. [passes the hogies to Colin]

Colin Jost: Oh, my god! It’s a hogie. Thank you so much. Thank you. So, ladies, how dies it feel to be the most saw after voters of the country right now.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: I think it’s fun.

Doreen Troilo: I love it.

Colin Jost: And have you decided who you’re gonna vote for?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Denise McDonough: Colin, I’m torn from a scooter accident, but I also don’t know whom to vote for.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, me neither. I don’t know. I think they’re both bad.

Denise McDonough: Whatever. You love Trump.

Doreen Troilo: I don’t love Trump.

Denise McDonough: Yeah, well stop acting like you do. Everyone thinks you love Trump. You’re always like, “Oh, his hair is real, you know?”

Doreen Troilo: I said it one time. Get off my bra strap, please. I don’t like Trump. I don’t like he– I don’t like that he called Alicia Machado fat.

Denise McDonough: Ah! I know, right? It’s like, does this guy have mirrors in his house? He looks like someone opened a case to pick the chicken out.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: And what do you guys think of Secretary Clinton?

Denise McDonough: Hah!

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Undecided, yeah.

Colin Jost: Really?

Doreen Troilo: She lied about her emails. She lied about Benghazi. She pretended to be surprised on Steve Harvey. She also called people a basket of diplorables. And that’s not a phrase.

Denise McDonough: Here’s my call. Hillary’s husband cheated on her and I don’t like the way she handled it.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, you think it was not feminist of her to sort of discredit Jennifer Flowers like that?

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: What? No. I don’t like that she didn’t finish the job. That girl has been banging your husband for 12years, at very least you gotta cut off her ponytail.

Doreen Troilo: Yeah. Very minimum, you cut the ponytail.

Denise McDonough: Gotta go through the tail. When a girl so much–

Doreen Troilo: Cut the ponytail hard.

Denise McDonough: Colin, right?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Doreen Troilo: Colin Jost, we brought you some hogies. [Colin Jost laughing] I apologize. I’ve been on vacation to my accent.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Once a year, she goes to Jamaica. He accent’s gone.

Colin Jost: Oh, yeah. Okay, yeah.

Denise McDonough: Colin Jost, when a girl so much is flirting with my husband, I released mice into the drop ceiling of her pizza place.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: This one’s not playing games.

Colin Jost: No. She’s not. [Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost] Now, how do you feel about these shocking revelations where Donald Trump said when you’re a star, you can do anything to women.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Ah!

Doreen Troilo: I get it.

Denise McDonough: It doesn’t bother me.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What? I thought you guys would be mad about that one.

Denise McDonough: No. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] When you’re a big star like that, the rules are different. Like, if you’ve ever been to the Philadelphia mummers parade on New Years, have you ever been to that Colin Jost?

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, I have not.

Denise McDonough: Oh, you should go. It’s terrible. [Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo] Anyways, a lot of the guys in the clown brigade are already drunk. And you’re like, sometimes they might honk your boob on the way down the street and like– I think Trump is just kind of like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost:  So, he’s like a drunk clown on the street?

Denise McDonough: Yeah, like that.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Doreen Troilo: Men are always gonna be gross. You remember when you and me and Patrice punched our way to the front row of the Hooter’s concert at the Mad Music Center?

Denise McDonough: Yes.

Doreen Troilo: The guy blows keyboard pulled me up on my perm and went to town on me like I was his mouth piano.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: I think it’s called the melodica.

Doreen Troilo: But it’s also called two free t-shirts and a ride home. So, don’t judge me. It was like, four years ago.

[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: You know, of all of them the one that I think is secretly the biggest jackass, Mike Pence.

Doreen Troilo: You don’t like Pence? He seems like the normal one.

Denise McDonough: Umm-umm. He seems normal coz he’s next to Trump. He’s really beef from back to the future. You know he backed that law in Indiana saying like, if your’e real Jesusy, you can refuse to sell pizza to gay people. First of all Indiana, no one wants your garbage pizza.

Doreen Troilo: You know that crust with no tweakiness.

Denise McDonough: Also, it’s 2016. Like, what old white man thinks he’s still in charge of gays and women? It’s like if I want to feel like it’s the 50s again, I’ll put on my pink lady’s jacket from the party that we had for your 40th.

Doreen Troilo: Party that we had for my 40th.

Denise McDonough: So fun.

Doreen Troilo: So fun. It was so fun.

Denise McDonough: And I’ll start a conversation with my grandpa, Colin Jost, who is deep in throws of dementia.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Oh, sorry.

Doreen Troilo: This is why I can’t decide. I’m paralyzed Colin Jost. We brought you hogies. We brought you hogies.

Colin Jost: [laughing] Thank you for the hogies. Are you going to watch the debate tomorrow night?

Doreen Troilo: Yeah, I’ll probably put on after Halloween Wars.
[Cut to Denise McDonough and Doreen Troilo]

Denise McDonough: Oh, that show is my favorite. They do pumpkins and candy.

Doreen Troilo: They do chocolate work and bacon in pumpkins. They all work together to make something really creepy.

Denise McDonough: Why can’t our country be like Halloween Wars? We are creepier together.

[Cut to Denise McDonough, Doreen Troilo and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait, so you’re voting for Hillary.

Denise McDonough: Umm..

Doreen Troilo: Probably right in the haters.

Colin Jost: Two undecided voters from suburban, Philadelphia, everyone.

Michael Che: For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Sandler Family Reunion | Season 44 Episode 19

Waiter… Chris Redd

Adam Sandler

Ring… Kyle Mooney

Mac… Mikey Day

Shawn Mendez

Ron Bacon… Kenan Thompson

Janet Sandler Bacon… Aidy Bryant

Pete Davidson

Bobby… Melissa Villaseñor

Chubbs… Leslie Jones

Beck Bennett

Mom… Kristen Wiig

Dad… Jimmy Fallon

[Starts with Waiter serving beer to Adam]

Waiter: Here’s your Heineken, Mr. Sandler.

Adam Sandler: Cool.

Waiter: [In Billi Madison voice] So cold! Do you want to drink tiny? Like Billy Madison.

Adam Sandler: I got that, that’s very funny.

Waiter: If you don’t mind me asking, how do you come up with all your characters and stuff?

Adam Sandler: I don’t know, I think they just kind of come to me.

Waiter: That’s kind of a lame answer, all right. Enjoy your reunion.

Adam Sandler: Yeah, there’s lots of Sandlers here, it’s a sandstorm.

Waiter: All right.

[Waiter leaves] [Ring and Mac joins Adam]

Ring: Hello, Mr. Hollywood big shot.

Adam Sandler: It’s cousin Ring, cousin Mac, good to see you.

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Yes sir. Habito-poo-poo!

Mac: Habito-pee-poo!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Habito-yahoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Mac: Adam, I was so excited when I heard you were coming, I was like, “Habito-woo-hoo!”

Adam Sandler: I don’ know. It’s been forever. How have you guys been?

[Cut to Ring and Mac]

Ring: Trying to get my real estate license now. Who knows, we shall see-hoo!

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Great! Good luck.

Mac: As for me, [Cut to Ring and Mac] I got a– got-a-divorce. Very messy.

Ring: She was screwing his best friend.

Mac: Ha-ha. Shut up!

Ring: You shut up!

[Cut to Adam]

Adam Sandler: Shut up! Come on! There’s kids here. Oh, my god, is that my nephew Shawn? He’s still at the kids’ table.

[Shawn is sitting at the kid’s table with two other kids]

Shawn: What’s wrong? Want some McDonald’s? Will somebody get this kid a happy meal?

[Cut to Pete with a mic announcing]

Pete: Excuse me. May I have everyone’s attention, please. Hello, Sandlers.

[Cut to everybody]

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!

Pete: I just wanted to say, big hand for Ron Bacon and Janet Sandler Bacon for planning this whole thing.

[Cut to Janet and Ron]

Janet Sandler Bacon: Our pleasure. A-habida-dibada-doo!

Ron Bacon: Yes, yes. You know, I’m still not great at this, you all are doing an little invisible Clarinet thing. Is that what it is? It doesn’t matter. Slibida-bib-bap!

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: We’re so happy to have cousin Adam this year. Watch what you say about him because you might end up in one of his movies.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: What? I don’t use your guys for material.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I don’t know about that, Adam. Because now I saw a movie where you picked someone who looked just like me. I seen that on the big ‘ol screen and said, “Hey, that’s me up there”.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: No, I promise you, Bobby, Bouchet is not based on you.

[Cut to Bobby]

Bobby: I know that, dear, I was talking about the Big Daddy movie.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: Not that either. I can promise you.

[Cut to Chubbs]

Chubbs: I know Happy Gilmore, the Chubbs was based on me. How do I know this? A, my first name is Chubbs. B, I have a fake hand. And C, I’m a golf instructor. It’s all in the hips. You stole that from me.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: All right, maybe a borrowed some stuff from you guys. I swear to you, I didn’t do that a lot.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yes, sure you didn’t. Everybody’s enjoying the party.

[Beck joins Pete]

Beck Bennett: Hey, Excuse me. Are we going to do the karaoke now?

Pete: Oh, no! The Karaoke is canceled.

Beck Bennett: Oh, okay. Cool. Once again, something that could have been brought to my attention yesterday.

[Cut to Adam, Ring and Mac]

Adam Sandler: I’m going to go say hi to my mother, wish me luck. [Adam walks to his mom] Hi ma, great to see you. What do you think of the reunion? This is a whole family–

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: They’re not laughing, they love me.

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Come on, ma, be nice.

Mom: They’re all going to laugh at you.

Adam Sandler: No!

Mom: No!

Adam Sandler: Ma, stop.

Mom: No

Adam Sandler: Shut up!

Dad: Why don’t you shut up.

[Dad comes in]

Adam Sandler: Papa. How are you doing?

Dad: [Speaking things that’s not understandable, but Adam Sandler is understand]

Adam Sandler: Oh!

Dad: That’s right, but the doctor says it’s nothing to worry about.

Adam Sandler: Oh, good.

Dad: How about I sing the Sandler family song. I wrote it 70 years ago.

Adam Sandler: No, nobody wants to hear that. I wouldn’t want to do that. And nobody wants to hear that.

Dad: I just want to. I would be great if I did that.

Put on your yarmulke
Here comes Chanukah
So much funukah
To celebrate Chanukah
Chanukah is the festival of lights

Adam Sandler: I agree with mother. Let’s take a picture. Yo, come on, Colbert. Snap us. [Cut to everybody getting together for a family picture] Everyone get in. Okay. Come on. Stop looking at me. Shawn. Come on, take the picture. Take it. Ready? One, two, three.

Everybody: Habito-wee-whoo!