Davis…  James Austin Johnson

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Skim… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Natasha Lyonne

Cecily Strong

[Starts with video clips of different people]

Davis: My name is Davis. And I’m stupid.

Joanne: Hi, I’m Joanne. And for as long as I can remember. I’ve been a stupid person.

Skim: I’m scare. And my parents are both stupid. I’m stupid. And the grandson is stupid.

Kyle: Nearly one in five US adults live with a mental illness or learning disability.

Natasha: And we are not that. Believe me. They checked.

Davis: I’m just plain stupid.

Skim: I always knew I was different things. Things were obvious to everyone else were always very complicated for me.

Joanne: Jokes have to be explained. Movies have to be explained. Foods have to be explained. Slowly.

Cecily: [speaking on larynx Device] I don’t need this thing. I just thought it sounded cool. I guess that’s stupid.

Natasha: Most people like me go their whole lives without ever knowing they’re stupid. But we’re everywhere. We drive your buses, we run companies.

Davis: I write laws.

Kyle: And I don’t even know what I do.

Cecily: I found out I was stupid walking full speed into a glass window. A stained glass window.

Davis: Sarcasm just sounds like lies to me.

Joanne: Being stupid is not a choice.

Cecily: [on larynx device]It’s not a choice.

Skim: It’s a choice.

Natasha: Just because you are a stupid person doesn’t mean you don’t have a voice. So get out there.

Cecily: Get out there.

Natasha: And vote.

Davis: And vote. Let your voice be heard.

Skim: Vote.

Cecily: Vote.

Kyle: I’m stupid. And I vote.

Natasha: I vote. And I am very stupid.

Skim: Wait. This ain’t my grandson.

Joanne: Because my stupid vote counts as much as anybody else’s.

Cecily: And sometimes, way more like, in my county.

Natasha: So don’t let them stop you.

Davis: Don’t let them confuse you.

Skim: Somebody will say something. And then somebody else says something else. It’s just a match.

Cecily: You can vote. You can buy a gun.

Natasha: You can buy all the guns.

Davis: I watch one channel and I get so mad.

Joanne: My son’s wife is a smart person. She’s tearing us apart. Vote.

Davis: Get out there.

Skim: Vote every day if you have to.

Cecily: It’s not like they ask if you’re stupid.

Natasha: Nobody should have to learn things if they don’t want to.

Skim: I vote for donkey. But sometimes I like elephant.

Cecily: I want a candidate that smiles at me.

Joanne: The computer screen said prove you’re not a robot. So I cut myself.

Skim: Somebody will see a joke. And I’m like, is that real?

Natasha: My screen time is 14 hours a day. But they don’t know. I have another phone.

Davis: Vote.

Skim: Vote.

Kyle: volt!

Cecily: Dance.

Joanne: Vote for a tall man.

Natasha: Vote because they give you a sticker and you can put it anywhere.

Skim: Wait, this is my grandson.


Africa Tourism

Kate McKinnon


Joanne… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with with the intro]

Male voice: The following is a message from a tourism board of Africa.

[Cut to Blonde 1 and Blonde 2 walking on a beach.]

Blonde 1: Sun.

Blonde 2: Breeze.

Blonde 1: Ocean.

Blonde 2: Mountains and beautiful…

Both: … beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Witness the wonder. The escape, the story.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: The sandy beaches, the massive bamboo.

Blonde 1: The wildlife. The culture.

Blonde 2: The food. The night life.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: And history and lush dangly foliage.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: Leave ordinary behind.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I yearned for a new beginning.

Blonde 2: And we’re better new in crystal waters and sandy beaches of Africa.

Blonde 1: The humpback whales. The tall, tall tribesmen. The bamboo.

[a black man and a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 2: After my divorce, I took in the breathtaking views and delicious cuisine of Africa.

Blonde 1: So, what are you waiting for? Set sail for Africa.

Blonde 2: All of Africa.

Blonde 1: Zimbabwe, Kenya.

Blonde 2: Ghana, Tanzania.

Blonde 1: Tribesmen.

Blonde 2: The sky. The coconut water.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Blonde 2: Last night, I saw the face of god.

Blonde 1: After my divorce, I moved to Mombasa and was taken in by the Masai tribe where I was ordained as a minister of joy.

Blonde 2: Me too.

[Blonde 3 walks in.]

Blonde 3: Me three. Hi. I’m Joanne.

Blonde 1: Oh, that’s our name too.

Blonde 3: Right on. I first moved to beautiful Africa after my divorce. I met a wonderful friend on a computer. He invited me to a lovely ocean waters of Gambia.

Blonde 1: Oh, Gambia. So much bamboo.

Blonde 2: Beaucoup bamboo.

[two black men carrying a blonde woman walk behind them]

Blonde 3: Once I got here, I knew I had to explore the rest of the magical, magical lands of Africa.

Blonde 2: Jungles. The mountains. The ranges.

Blonde 3: The rhythm. The drums. The pounding.

Blonde 1: The fanning yourself with a palm between rounds.

Blonde 2: I found such a deep, deep connection here.

Blonde 3: You can feel it in your stomach.

Blonde 1: Tell your travel agent you want to see Africa. All of it.

Blonde 3: From Angola to Jamaica.

Blonde 1: Not Egypt.

Blonde 2: Yes, very dry there. No bamboo.

Blonde 1: So leave the kids at home.

Blonde 2: Leave everything at home. Bring no one.

Blonde 3: Except yourself and some money and some men’s sneakers.

Blonde 1: And don’t tell anybody you’re going.

Blonde 2: To beautiful, beautiful Africa.

Blonde 1: Africa.

Blonde 3: Africa.

Blonde 1: You’re gonna want that coconut water.

Male voice: The number one destination for divorcées of a certain age. Africa. We’ll leave the light on for you.

Joanne & The Tree

Mr. Jenkins… John Cena

Joanne… Aidy Bryant

Cara… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

[Starts with office colleagues preparing for Christmas party]

Mr. Jenkins: Okie-dokie gang. Start the Yankee Swap in a second. First, I want to thank Cara for getting us such a great tree this year. So, all we need is a volunteer to put this crazy little angel on top of that tree.

Joanne: Oh, I’ll do it Mr. Jenkins.

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne from accounts stepping up. Nice initiative. Here you go. Get it done.

[Joanne stands on a chair to put the angel on top of the Christmas tree. The tree is in front of a window.]

Joanne: Oh, I’m a little excited.

Cara: Go, Joanne

All: Joanne! Joanne! Joanne!

Cara: Little higher Joanne.

[Joanne falls out of the window with the Christmas tree.]

Mr. Jenkins: Did Joanne just fall off the frigging window?

[Everyone goes to the window to take a look]

Cara: Oh my god!

Beck: We don’t even have the tree anymore.

Cara: Christmas is ruined.

Leslie: Look, there she is.

[Joanne is hanging by the side of the window. She is still holding the tree.]

Joanne: Oh! Stupid Joanne. this is what you get for trying to step into spotlight. Guys, I’m not dead. Co-workers, I’m sorry. I’m not dead. I’m sorry for the drama earlier, but I’m out here.

Cara: Oh my god, Joanne. And she’s got the tree.

Beck: Everything’s going to be okay.

Leslie: And you saved the tree, girl.

Mr. Jenkins: Two for two on the initiative, Joanne.

Joanne: Okay, well, I think I’m losing my grip. I think I need to drop the tree.

Beck: Don’t do that Joanne. Without the tree, there’s no party.

Mr. Jenkins: We can save you both. I know it.

Cara: Alright, let’s bring the tree in first so we know we have it.

Joanne: Okay. Or could I suggest that we bring in my human body first?

Mr. Jenkins: Joanne, stop trying to control everything.

Cara: Alright, look, I have an idea. Joanne, start whipping that tree round, okay? Get a nice windmill action going. Then use that momentum to fly upwards through the window.

Joanne: Okay, I don’t think I can do that. This tree has got to go.

Beck: Don’t drop that tree, you frigging grinch! Okay, new plan. I’m going to pour this Monster energy drink in your mouth. YOu’re going to go all Popeye on us and throw that tree up to us like it’s nothing.

Joanne: Oh, please don”t do that.

[Beck pours Monster energy drink all over Joanne’s face]

Leslie: It’s working! It’s working!

Joanne: No, it’s not working. It’s really only in my eyes. Please, Mr. Jenkins. Just pull me up. You’re the strongest man I’ve ever seen. I can see you muscles through your business shirt like every damn day. Just grab my wrist.

Mr. Jenkins: Love to, Joanne, but I can’t. I got in a lot of trouble around here for grabbing women’s wrists. But I do want to give you something. It’s a pair of women’s Isotoners. I got your name in the Yankee Swap.

Joanne: Oh, oh, thank you Mr. Jenkins. They’re really nice.

Beck: Okay, but here’s where Yankee Swap gets interesting. I’m gonna steal the women’s gloves and I’m going to give you the 30 pounds kettle bell that Felicia gave me.

Joanne: Oh, that will do it.

[Joanne slips her hand and falls]

Cara: Oh, no! Well, we tried. Poor Joanne.

Beck: Poor tree as well.

Mr. Jenkins: Alright, somebody is going to have to scoop her off the sidewalk when the party’s done.

Leslie: I’ll do it. Just remind me.

[Cut to Joanne falling down]

Joanne: [screaming] Ahhhhh!

Male voice: Ho, ho, ho, Joanne, it’s me.

Joanne: Santa, you’re here to save me?

[Santa just takes the tree away]

Santa, no!