Tag: Joe Biden

President Biden Midterms Address Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Marrianne Williamson… Chloe Fineman

Guy Fieri… Molly Kearney

Takashi 6ix9ine… Marcello Hernández

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Azealia Banks… Ego Nwodim

Tracy Morgan… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a message]

Male voice: And now, a message from the President of the United States.

[Cut to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: My fellow Americans, it’s Tuesday. Our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy and let’s just say, big yikes. What’s going on? I guess the Democrats message just ain’t getting through. Plus I’m over here talking to people who don’t exist. I don’t know much. Who’s there? Well, nobody’s there.

Folks, I’m trying like hell, I promise. I’m on the peloton every morning tilting fate. I passed that big ass infrastructure bill, remember that? $65 billion. A lot of your Redstate types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at lightspeed. Which by the way, your right wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenario. Kind of suss. But look, I get it. I’m no spring chicken. But people at rallies are yelling at Obama calling him high. How do you think that makes me feel? Do yourself a favor. Google “young Joe Biden” and start a bubble bath.

You guys think I’m and boring now? Well, I can do crazy stuff too. [screams out] I’m scared myself. But listen, folks, that’s the problem. We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnock and not enough Herschel Walker’s. Which is why we’re going to make some last minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting. Got that sizzle. For example, “Hey, California sick Adam Schiff.” Or, “Meet your next Congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson.”

[Marrianne Williamson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Marrianne Williamson: As a prominent author, her lover for Enchantress, I am ready to fight for the American Dream, which I caught in this Tibetan singing bowl. [hits the singing bowl and walks out]

Joe Biden: Sounds cool. America’s next defense against the dark arts teacher folks. Now unlike Dr. Oz, this next guy’s got political experience. He was a mayor of flavortown for over 20 years, Guy Fieri.

[Guy Fieri walks in] [cheers and applause]

Guy Fieri: Whoo! Listen, man. America’s hungry for change. But Do y’all want Dr. Oz take a full plate of paid family leave dripping in Donkey sauce? Full throttle. Whoo! [walks out]

Joe Biden: Oh my god. Dream job, dream job. Hey Ohio, meet your next senator, Takashi 6ix9ine.

Takashi 6ix9ine: Hey blood. I want no cap on Social Security. No cap. Democrats baby, Tray Way. Tray Way. [walks out]

Joe Biden: What a terrifying young man. Tired of Gretchen Whitmer? Meet your next Governor of Michigan, adult film star Stormy Daniels.

[Stormy Daniels walks in]

Stormy Daniels: Hi TV. I may be a former adult star, currently on season seven of the Surreal Life, but I’m willing to debase myself and enter US politics. I can work with anyone and I’m willing to reach around the aisle to get things done.

Joe Biden: Yeah. I think it’s reach across the aisle.

Stormy Daniels: Yes sir. You do you. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Talented actress. Now introducing someone who’s gonna beat Marco Rubio because she’s not afraid to fight. She’s the next senator from Florida, Azealia Banks.

[Azealia Banks walks in]

Azealia Banks: I’m a rich bitch. [walks out]

Joe Biden: Okay. And finally, people got mad at me about student loan forgiveness. Well he’s in charge of it now. Tracy Morgan.

[Tracy Morgan walks in]

Tracy Morgan: Okay. Y’all want that money? Why don’t you come on over here and rub my belly?

Joe Biden: Thank you, Tracy. And everybody get up here. Get up everybody. There they are, your new Democratic candidates. Alright team, so what do we want?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I kind of want some sugar free White Castle.

Joe Biden: Well. And when do we want it?

[everyone shouting out different answers]

Tracy Morgan: I mean, in my mind, it’s like whenever you good, baby girl.

Joe Biden: All right. Let’s go, team. We’re gonna be fine. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing] [Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands] [cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in] [cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.] [doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in] [cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House] [cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing] [singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Biden Halloween Cold Open

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Nate Silver… Mikey Day

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Lil Wayne… Chris Redd

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]

Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.

[Joe Biden opens the book]

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore

[Hillary Clinton walks in the door as the raven]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…

Hillary Clinton: …We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag

it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore

Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you

Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for

Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?

Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan

Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man

Okay, you got this. Okay.

[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]

Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
even though…

[Nate Silver is standing there]

Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…

[Cut to Ice Cube and Lil Wayne wearing MAGA hat]

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.

Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!

Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.

Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala

Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race. 

Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]

Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.

[Mitch McConnell runs out]

Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay. 

Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day. 

Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won. 

Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent

Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.