White House TikTok Meeting Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Chloe Fineman

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Melissa Villaseñor

Andrew Dismukes

Jen Psaki… Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: This week as the warring Ukraine intensified, access to Facebook and Instagram in the country were shut off leaving only one source of information, TikTok. So on Thursday, the White House responded by holding a national security briefing with some of the nation’s top TikTok creators. We take you now inside that historic meeting.

[Cut to TikTok creators inside White House with President Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: Thank you all so much for coming and answering your nation’s call in time and need.

TikToker 1: Oh, yeah, sure.

TikToker 2: Hey, no problem.

TikToker 3: I’m 14.

TikToker 4: Our schedules are super flexible.

TikToker 5: Yeah. And we love White House.

Jason Derulo: [singing] Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: I also want to thank my Press Secretary Jen Psaki for having the vision to set this up.

Jen Psaki: I suggested it as a joke and then it actually happened.

Joe Biden: People are saying this is the first war fought on TikTok which is tough for me because I’m the landline of presidents. That’s why I need you. Okay. I understand Putin. I understand war. There’s one thing I don’t understand, computer.

Jen Psaki: He means technology but he says computer.

Joe Biden: Computer very mean to me. Computer always asked to run an update right when I turn computer on. Whenever I type in “Malarkey”, Computer say “Did you mean magenta?”

Jen Psaki: The point is we need fresh ideas from you guys about how we can win the information war on social media. So yeah, you.

TikToker 1: Hey, guys, I’m an actress from the CW.

Joe Biden: Great, what’s your name?

TikToker 1: Actress from the CW. And while Putin might have tanks and bombs, there’s something even more powerful we can attack him with, poems.

Jen Psaki: Oh, no, it’s that girl.

TikToker 1: [music playing in the background]

Dear Vladimir Putin. If I was your mother, I would have loved you more. If I was your wife, I would have been so, so, so mad at you. If I was your baby brother, I–

Jen Psaki: Thank you. Thank you. I think– yeah, we got it. Do you have any actual useful suggestions?

TikToker 1: Sure. Here are five ways to stop the war in Ukraine. [dancing]

Joe Biden: What’s happening? Do you see anything?

Jen Psaki: I think she’s expecting text to show up.

Joe Biden: All right. Then you, what’s your thing?

TikToker 5: Oh, me? Let’s just say I do raps and pranks. Maybe you’ve heard of my squad “The BooBoo boys”.

Jen Psaki: I think you know the President has never heard of the BooBoo boys.

Joe Biden: Wait a second. The BooBoo boys? Don’t you live in the Crenshaw house with one nut Kevin and dumbass Larry?

TikToker 5: Ha-ha-ha. Oh, we got a BooBoo head.

Joe Biden: Y’all, y’all, one time they prank the dude and threw him down five flights of stairs. It was hilarious.

Jen Psaki: That sounds like an amazing hobby.

TikToker 5: Yeah, we made $30 million last year.

Jen Psaki: God, I hate this world. Did you have a plan for how to defeat Putin?

TikToker 5: Yeah, I’m cooking some up.

Jen Psaki: Is it pushing him down a flight of stairs?

TikToker 5: It is.

Jen Psaki: All right. That’s cool. What about you?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: Yeah, I know. That’s your name. What do you do?

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Jen Psaki: I’m skipping you. You’re You’re skipped.

Jason Derulo: Jason Derulo.

Joe Biden: Hey. How about your little girl? You look incredibly cute.

TikToker 3: Me? Thank you. I do silly animal makeup for kids.

Joe Biden: Well, that’s adorable. Oh, what do you think we could do to win this war?

TikToker 3: Oh, you mean the one started by your son Hunter Biden? With his pal that Burisma? Where’s the laptop? Is he in this room?

Jen Psaki: Okay, thank you. Thank you, honey.

Joe Biden: You don’t expect the animal makeup girl to be all right. Who’s this random middle aged guy?

TikToker 2: Oh, yeah. Hello. My name is Charles F. Emilio. I’m a roofer from Pittsburgh.

Joe Biden: Why are you here?

TikToker 2: I don’t know. I suspect you may have confused me for Charli D’Amelio, the Joe BidenJason Derulo year old girl with Joe BidenTikToker 20 million followers on the TikTok.

Jen Psaki: That sounds right.

TikToker 2: So I tell you what, I’m gonna head out. But first, you don’t have to have an extra one of those COVID Steamy chicks laying around by any chance. Do you?

Joe Biden: I’m afraid not.

Jen Psaki: We don’t, I’m sorry.

TikToker 2: All right. All right. Well, good luck with the World War and not that you care what a roofer thinks about Putin, but maybe you should put someone up on a roof and ping-pong-pow-pow-pow. [Hand gesture showing shooting with gun] Y’all have a good one.

Joe Biden: Thank you.

Jen Psaki: All right, it’s down to you. What do you do?

TikToker 4: Who, me? Oh, I just go up behind people on the street with this weird pipe thing and I go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: What would you do about Ukraine?

TikToker 4: Um, I would go up behind the Russian tanks and go “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Jen Psaki: How did you get here today?

TikToker 4: You flew me first class from California. And on the plane I went up behind the pilot and said “Munanyo. Chupapi munanyo!”

Joe Biden: That’s actually the best plan I’ve heard so far.

[TikToker 7 walks in]

TikToker 7: Hang on. You haven’t heard from me. Sorry, I’m late guys. Some reason security was giving me a hard time.

Joe Biden: Okay, this is awesome. Who the heck are you?

TikToker 7: Oh, I’m just that guy who does a bunch of insane tricks using the toilet plunger stuck to my nipples. In terms of the most famous people on TikTok, it’s like me and Reese Witherspoon.

Jen Psaki: We were actually about to wrap this meeting up because it was clearly a bad idea.

TikToker 7: Hey, don’t do that. Don’t just yank the plunger off the nipple like that. The idea of asking TikTok stars how to fight Russia might sound like a joke. Remember, they said the same thing about the radio and World War II. Never underestimate the importance of new technology. We haven’t reaches young people in ways you can never understand. TikTok is in some childish gimmick. It has more power and more influence than the nightly news.

Joe Biden: That was truly inspiring, young man.

TikToker 7: I’m 55. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna move this plunger to my crotch attach a knife at the end and try to slice an apple in half. God bless America.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Russian Disinformation Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Alex Moffat

Mikayla… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with officials holding a meeting at the president’s office]

Kenan: Mr. President the situation in Ukraine is growing tension by the hour. Putin has amassed over hundredthousand troops at the border.

Ego: We’re even getting some reports that Russia has already invaded. But those are from the same people who said Tom Brady retired. So, take it with a grain of salt.

Ego: What about the NATO forces? Are they ready to back us up?

Kenan: Well, every country is sending supplies to Ukraine except Germany. They’re staying out of it.

Joe Biden: Oh, man. Germany doesn’t want to go to war. You know, it’s bad.

Alex: Sir, if I may, Russia’s military presence may be the least of our problems.

Ego: We’ve been tracking the spread of Russian disinformation in Ukraine. And there are some lies, Ukrainians don’t know what to believe anymore.

Joe Biden: Russia tried that during our last election too. But it didn’t work.

Kenan: Well, 40% of Americans think you lost the election. So, it kinda did.

Alex: Take a look at these posts that are circulating on Ukrainian Facebook. [They’re reading news headlines] Ukrainian border encroaching on Russian troops.

Ego: Russian forces surrounding Ukraine just to give it big hug.

Alex: Ukrainian president horny for drama, wants war: “Slap me harder, Daddy.”

Joe Biden: I’m gonna break my New Year’s resolution and say it. Malarkey!

Ego: They’re also bringing our country into it. American CDC strongly recommends Russia invade Ukraine.

Kenan: Wait, didn’t the CDC really recommend that?

Joe Biden: For a few months in 2020. The science was changing so fast.

Alex: There was also this. Neil Young to remove music from Spotify unless Ukraine surrender.

Ego: And this one’s unbelievable. Are you a lonely Ukrainian woman in search of love? 100,000 troops are standing by to talk to you, at soldiersonly.com.

Joe Biden: My god. I mean, it is a good idea for a website.

Alex: They’re even turning our most beloved heroes against us. I don’t always get invaded but when I do I prefer Russia.

Ego: Not to mention this. Why I got to be Ukrainian when Russia two feet away? Nothing is sacred to them. Not even guy checking out hot girl.

Alex: And it’s not only meme sir. Look at this video a Russian spy posted on TikTok?

[Cut to a tiktok where two guys are dressed Russian and Ukrainian army and dancing together]

Joe Biden: What the hell was that?

Alex: Sir, it’s a video with 8.7 million views.

Joe Biden: No, no, I mean, what the hell was that dancing? Choreography wasn’t even crisp. Gonna log in and flame those guys in the comments.

Ego: Unfortunately, Mr. President, this goes beyond social media. Look at this commercial that’s airing on Ukrainian MTV.

[Cut to a made up video]

Kyle: I can’t take it anymore, Bae. I’m a typical Ukrainian teenager and I have no hope for my future.

Kate: Tell me about its years. That’s why I’m thinking of going to Russia, which I stand.

Kyle: Russia? You mean the land of wealth and freedom? Bop!

Kate: That’s right. I hear you can get a job in Russia right away, mining arsenic and potash. And whatever potash they don’t use for fertilizer, you can get to the end.

Kyle: But Russia is too popular. We’ll never get in.

Kate: You’re right. If only Russia could come to us.

Female voice: Brought to you by students for the Russian invasion of Ukraine. Cuz Russia can get it Periodt.

Joe Biden: That’s ridiculous. Now which one of those two was Zendaya?

Alex: Sir, these pro Russia commercials are saturating Ukrainian television. I mean, look at this one.

[Cut to another commercial]

Pete: Oh, no. I am American ball toss player Aaron Rodgers. And my car is broken down in Ukraine. Only one thing to do, like a good neighbor. Russia is there.

Chris: Hello to you, Aaron Rodgers. Need some help?

Pete: Jay from Russia? Can you get me out of this Ukraine?

Chris: Of course, I will take you to meet our president. He would love to see a Super Bowl ring and maybe hold it for a while.

Pete and Chris: [singing] Like a good neighbor, you are there, Russia.

Pete: Yes, there we go.

Joe Biden: Wait. So, you’re telling me Ukrainians are supposed to believe that’s the real Aaron Rodgers.

Kenan: Apparently, that is the real Aaron Rodgers. I guess he left the Packers to play for Russia.

Joe Biden: So, what can we do to fight back against all these propaganda.

Ego: Well, we have to fight fire with fire. That’s why I’d like to introduce you to our new Secretary of Defense, Mikayla.

[Mikayla walks in]

Mikayla: Hi. I’m Mikayla, spelled the worst way. I a junior at a vicious Girls High School and y’all work for me now.

Joe Biden: Oh, hold on, hold on. The CIA must have operatives on social media already.

Mikayla: Ahem-ahem. They do and it’s rough. Look at what your agents made. “I like democracy then. Then don’t side with me, I’m Russia?”

Kenan: Oh my god. That’s choogy.

Mikayla: Facts, literally facts. I know. The only thing more pathetic was our attempt at TikTok.

[Cut to a TikTok video of a woman who doing 2021 to 2022 transformation.]

Kenan: What does that even mean? Almost looks like if Russia invades it will turn old Ukrainian women into sexy nurses.

Joe Biden: Let’s just do something fun and simple that everyone can get by. Like a drone strike.

Mikayla: Okay, okay, Mr. President, I think your generation can learn a lot from mine. Like, we don’t believe in drone strikes. We believe in breaking down our enemies psychologically. That’s why I’m gonna DM Putin and say, “Oh my god, I loved your outfit the other day. Was that Old Navy?” Already, he’s spiraling. He’s all like, “Do they think I’m poor?” In three weeks he will have completely lost his mind.

Joe Biden: You done this before?

Mikayla: Does the name Giuliani ring a bell?

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Ghost of Biden Past Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Jin Psaki… Chloe Fineman

Past Joe Biden… Jason Sudeikis

Recent Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Joe Biden in his office]

Joe Biden: Send in my Press Secretary Jin  Psaki.

[Jin Psaki walks in]

Jin Psaki: You wanted to see me, sir?

Joe Biden: Jin, I gotta tell you, you were dynamite in those press briefings with your quips and your one liners. What do you call those little zingers?

Jin Psaki: Um, facts. Though I believe the internet calls them Psaki Bombs.

Joe Biden: Yeah. Love that. Lay some of those facts on me.

Jin Psaki: Okay. Your CNN Tom Hall was watched by no one. And your approval rating is in the dumpster.

Joe Biden: Oh. Ice cold Psaki bomb. But ay, things are gonna turn around, right?

Jin Psaki: I’m bad at lying, so I’m gonna leave.

[Jin Psaki walks out]

Joe Biden: I don’t understand. People used to like me. The press would call me uncle Joe. I miss the old me. Where the hell did that guy go?

[Past Joe Biden walks in]

Past Joe Biden: Hey, yo! [cheers and applause] Yeah! Trick or treat, smell my feet. Nah, I’m just joking. How the hell are you, buddy?

Joe Biden: Wait a second. Who are you?

Past Joe Biden: Who am I? What do you mean? I’m you! I’m you from eight years ago, man. The ghost. The Biden past. Boo!

Joe Biden: How can you be me? You seem so happy. So carefree. So– What’s the word I’m looking for?

Past Joe Biden: Lucid?

Joe Biden: Yeah.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, partner. Well, where I’m from, we’re still VP. Easiest gig in the world. We’re like, America’s wacky neighbor. Just pop in with an ice cream cone, some aviator shades and finger guns. Shake a few hands, rub a few shoulders.

Joe Biden: You know, well, you can’t do that anymore.

Past Joe Biden: What? Which one? Rubbing shoulders or shaking hands?

Joe Biden: Apparently both.

Past Joe Biden: Ah! Come on, man! Loosen up, buddy. Come on. [massaging Joe Biden’s shoulders] What happened to us, huh? We used to be fun, right? Hey, let me get it with. [smells Joe Biden’s ears and grunts] Yeah, that’s good. Yeah, I like that. Do you like that?

Joe Biden: Yeah, I do.

Past Joe Biden: Hey! I hope this doesn’t sound sexist, but you gotta smile more sweetie. Okay?

Joe Biden: It’s hard to smile. The last president ruined everything.

Past Joe Biden: Oh yeah?

Joe Biden: He hung out with pornstars, served McDonald’s to the White House, got into fight with the pope.

Past Joe Biden: Wow! Hillary got awesome.

Joe Biden: Actually–

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: Well, never mind.

Past Joe Biden: Okay. Alright.

Joe Biden: Look. I could really use your advice. I’m trying to pass this infrastructure bill but it’s being held up by these two senators. Joe Mansion.

Past Joe Biden: Ah, screw Joe Mansion. The only mansion I care about is the Playboy mansion. Yeah! Whoo! That’s classic 2k13 Biden right there, baby.

Joe Biden: Even worse than him, senator Kyrsten Sinema.

Past Joe Biden: Wait. Senator Sinema? That sounds like a StarWars character. That’s a real person?

[Recent Joe Biden walks in]

Recent Joe Biden: Hey! [cheers and applause] How’s days, fellas? Just checking in.

Past Joe Biden: Who the hell are you?

Recent Joe Biden: I’m Joe Biden.

Past Joe Biden: From when?

Recent Joe Biden: March 2021. You guys good? Need anything?

Joe Biden: Um, we’re okay.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, we’re good, man.

Recent Joe Biden: Alright. Rock on.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Alright.

[Recent Joe Biden walks out]

Joe Biden: Good looking guy.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah. Oh, no, handsome as hell. Yeah. You know, I should probably just mosey on back to 2013. I actually got tickets to a PSY concert. Oppa Gangnam Style! That song’s still popular, right?

Joe Biden: Come on, don’t leave.

Past Joe Biden: What?

Joe Biden: I can’t do this without you.

Past Joe Biden: Yeah, of course you can. Because guess what, buddy. You are me. And I want you to stand tall. I want you to flash those 100% natural choppers we got. And remember, we my be from different eras. But at the end of the day, we’re both…

Joe Biden and Past Joe Biden: Joe freaking Biden! And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Biden Unites Democrats Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Kyrsten Sinema… Cecily Strong

Joe Manchin… Aidy Bryant

Ilhan Omar… Ego Nwodim

Alexandria… Melissa Villaseñor.

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

Male voice: And now, a message from the president of the United States, Joseph R. Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden speaking on a podium] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Good evening. Fellow Americans, how’s everybody doing? What’s cooking? What’s good? How are you doing? How was everybody’s summer? Mine was bad. Not Cuomo bad but definitely not Afghanistan good. Everyone keeps harassing me about that drone strike. But on the bright side, I went the entire summer without falling down the stairs once. It’s pretty darn good. And hey, Broadway’s back. That’s exciting, right? [cheers and applause] So was the Taliban. So, I win some, lose some.

Unlike our last president, I try staying out of the limelight. I’m like an oil change, you don’t think about me unless you absolutely have to.

Right now, America needs me. Democrats need me. Got a major of structure bell on a historic socio gen, it had to get past. So now, I’m bringing together the democrats like Voltron so they’re all different colors but fundamentally, the robots. On one side, we have the moderate democrats, Kyrsten Sinema from Arizona.

[Cut to Kyrsten Sinema standing beside Joe Biden]

Kyrsten Sinema: What do I want from this bill? I’ll never tell. Because I didn’t come to congress to make friends. And so far, mission accomplished.

Joe Biden: Is it just me or does she look like all the characters from Scooby Doo at the same time? And another pain in my keister the de facto president of the United States, Joe Manchin from West Virginia.

[Cut to Joe Manchin standing beside Kyrsten Sinema]

Joe Manchin: Yeah, that’s right. I’m a democrat from West Virginia. If I vote for electric cars, they’re gonna kill me.

Joe Biden: On the other side, we have two members of progressive caucus, Ilhan Omar from Minessota

[Cut to Ilhan Omar]

Ilhan Omar: Thank you Joe for not calling me Kamala. For those of you who don’t know me, I was designed in a lab to give Tucker Carlson a heart attack.

Joe Biden: And finally, Alexandria– I’m not going to try to say the whole name. A.O.C. from Nueva York.

[Cut to Alexandria waving her hands] [cheers and applause]

Alexandria: Yes, it’s me, the Cruella of the MET Gala. I wore a dress that said “Tax the rich”, then spent all night partying with the rich. Oops!

Joe Biden: Let’s go through this agenda together because we’re going to realize, “Hey, we’re all on the same page. We’re all singing the same damn thing.”

Alexandria: That’s right. I’m saying we need at least 300 billion in clean energy tax credits.

Joe Manchin: And I’m saying 0.

Joe Biden: See? Same page. There’s a lot of good stuff in this bill like Joe BidenKyrsten Sinema weeks of paid family leave.

Kyrsten Sinema: Six days!

Joe Biden: Six whole days of paid–

Joe Manchin: Well, unpaid.

Joe Biden: Unpaid six whole days–

Kyrsten Sinema: Night.

Joe Biden: Six nights of unpaid family half leave. That’s not a bad compromise, right? And what do you want in return?

Alexandria: What about a child tax credit?

Joe Biden: Great idea! We always said, children shouldn’t pay taxes. It’s a lot of math.

Joe Manchin: But if we give children too much leeway, how are they gonna get them to work in the minds, you know? We need their tiny hands to dig. All the big pieces of coal are gone. We need the little kid fingers to gather the little pieces.

Joe Biden: Okay. Let’s get a little basic. Roads. Everyone okay with roads?

Alexandria: I like roads.

Joe Manchin: Me too. Roads are where trucks live.

Joe Biden: Kyrsten?

Kyrsten Sinema: I want no roads.

Joe Biden: No roads? Why?

Kyrsten Sinema: Chaos!

Joe Biden: Alright! What about water? We’re allotting. Let’s see. 65 billion for water. Wow, that’s a lot of water. Does it come with the mermaid? Just kidding.

[Joe Biden pokes Ilhan Omar with his ankle to let her know of is joke]

Ilhan Omar: No. It was good.

Joe Biden: Yeah. What do you say, Joe? You good with water?

Joe Manchin: I don’t like that taste.

Joe Biden: Fine. Let’s focus on the two things that poll best with all Americans – lowering the price of prescription drugs–

Kyrsten Sinema: No!

Joe Biden: And raising taxes on billionaires.

[Kyrsten Sinema shows her thumbs down on the idea]

Alright then, just tell us Kyrsten. What do you like? What’s good to you?

Kyrsten Sinema: Yellow starbursts, the film “The Polar Express”, and when someone eats fish on an airplane.

Alexandria: But can’t we compromise on anything? Isn’t something better than nothing?

Kyrsten Sinema: Look. As a wine drinking bisexual triathlete, I know what the average American wants. They want to be put on hold when they call 9Joe BidenJoe Biden. They want bridges that just stop, car falls down. They want water so thick, you can eat it with a fork. And I will fight for that no matter what, unless my foot hurts, then I’ll go back to Arizona.

Joe Biden: Fine! Fine! Then we’re gonna talk about one last item on the agenda. Most important one. Trains!

Ilhan Omar: Oh god, again?

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t take dreams away from me! We need to remind people of the grandeur of American rail travel. The quiet car. The seats are faced backwards. The sliding bathroom doors that don’t quite lock. You open it up, catch a glimpse of an old man on a toilet. The full bottle of gatorade rolling around on the floor of the train. It goes that way, it goes back. Without trains, no American.

Ilhan Omar: I can’t believe I’m saying this to my white boss, it’s gonna be okay.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: It’s gonna be more than okay. Take it from me, governor-ish Andrew Cuomo. Us democrats have had each other’s backs no matter what. We’re like one big Italian family. And you know what Italians like to do? Hug and kiss and run their fingers up each other’s backs. So, let’s all come together– Oh, bad choice of words there. And get this bill pass today. Just like me, it deserves a second chance. And a third chance. And up to at least Joe BidenJoe Biden chances. Oh, and I want to plug my new book. My first one was called “Lessons and Leadership”. And my new one is called “Whoops!”

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: And I’m here to promote my new book, “Sandwiches I have liked and tried”. Hello, I’m Chuck Schumer. You may remember me, but you don’t. I hope you’ve enjoyed our little rap session. Next time you get an email from the democratic party with a scary desperate subject line like “It’s all over, Jennifer. Democracy is dead unless you donate $Chuck Schumer now!”, don’t panic too much. Us democrats are all in this together.

Joe Biden: Hey, we sure are. Because fundamentally, we’re all the same.

Andrew Cuomo: Screw!

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!

Kamala

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Doug Emhoff… Martin Short

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Ella Emhoff… Chloe Fineman

Raphael Warnock… Kenan Thompson

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

[Starts with an announcement]

Male voice: And now a message from the vice-president of the United States.

[Cut to Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Good evening, America. I’m vice-president Kamala Harris. This has been a difficult year for all of us but I really do feel that we are about to see some light. And what better night to celebrate a new beginning than Passover? Or as my adopted people call it – Pesach. That’s why it’s time for … [music playing] A Kamala Harris Unity Seder. Tonight, we’ll be asking four questions. How’s school? Did you eat? When are you giving me grandchildren? And what’s with that haircut? And I cannot have all by my lonesome. So help me host this, I’d like to introduce my rock, my everything, my Semitic smokes show, my step baby daddy, Doug Emhoff. Get on out here, sexy.

[Doug Emhoff walks in] [cheers and applause]

Doug Emhoff: No, I can’t do this. I’m too shy. I’m just a shy entertainment lawyer.

Kamala Harris: Oh, come on. No, Doug. All you have to do is pretend it’s just us, baby.

Doug Emhoff: Oh. [romantic music playing. Doug Emhoff holds Kamala Harris from behind.] Well, I just want you to know– Listen to me, girl. I support you. Every time you look around, it’s so good to be there for you, honey.

Kamala Harris: Oh, you better be.

Doug Emhoff: But time to time, you’re gonna look around and I’m not going to be there.

Kamala Harris: Oh no.

Doug Emhoff: But that’s just me telling you – “You got this, baby!”

Kamala Harris: Oh, the support. You’re my load-bearing wall. You hold up my roof. And you’re always on top of my basement.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Strangers? I don’t like strangers. They frighten me.

Kamala Harris: It’s alright, babe. Our first guest is here. In the spirit of Pesach, I reached across the aisle. Joe Biden gave me a list of republicans to reach out to and I’m starting at the bottom.

[opens the door. Ted Cruz walks in with a tray of cookies.]

Ted Cruz: You started at the bottom and now I’m here.

Kamala Harris: Welcome to my home, Ted Cruz.

Ted Cruz: Well, hey. I’ve never been to a Jewish dinner. So, I brought some Israeli flag cupcakes. I’ve got a ton of these left over from C-PAC. And I got some pinks in the blanket.

Kamala Harris: Well, we can’t have pork or bread. So, thank you.

Ted Cruz: Ay, by the way, somebody scraped the crap out of Prius in your driveway. No idea who did it. Probably my daughters. Definitely wasn’t me. My only crime is loving too much and sedition.

Doug Emhoff: That’s my Prius, but it’s all good.

Kamala Harris: Ted, may I ask what’s going on with your hair, hun? I see serial killer on the side and bait and tackle stop owner in the front.

Ted Cruz: Well, in the honor of Passover, I had my haircut done by a moyle.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff suddenly walks in like walking on fashion show ramp.]

Ella Emhoff: Shalom to the children.

Kamala Harris: America, Ted, meet my beautiful and supremely talented step-daughter, Ella Emhoff.

Ted Cruz: Boy, boy. So, what am I looking at here?

Ella Emhoff: Am I breaking your eyes? Good. You may think I look insane but I assure you I’m the most normal looking girl in Bushwick. Mama list every month so I while I’m serving lukes.

Kamala Harris: Aw, thank you, Ella. You’re really elevating this seder.

Doug Emhoff: So put out the gefilte fish.

Ella Emhoff: Okay, dad. All this is going on my mood board because Issa-bibe.

[music playing. Ella Emhoff walks out like on the fashion show ramp.] [doorbell ringing]

Kamala Harris: Oh, let’s see who’s at the door. [Kamala Harris opens the door. Raphael Warnock walks in with a bottle of wine] Well, it’s reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

Raphael Warnock: Alright. Shalom, y’all. Jon Osoff told me to bring some man-a-shevitz.

Kamala Harris: So, how are things going in Georgia?

Raphael Warnock: Oh, you saw “Roots”, right? That’s how it’s going in Georgia.

Kamala Harris: Well, we need to make sure we keep Georgia blue for the next presidential election. And the one after that.

Raphael Warnock: Well, that won’t be easy. They’ll do everything they can to keep black people from voting. We wouldn’t vote on anything if they had their way. Not even American Idol. Jennifer Hudson would have been knocked down in the first round. Jennifer damn Hudson, y’all!

Kamala Harris: No! Not J-Hud!

Raphael Warnock: Right? Oh! Raphael spies a boiled egg. If you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna have a nosh.

Kamala Harris: You get that egg, senator! Alright, go for it, reverend senator, Raphael Warnock.

[doorbell ringing]

Doug Emhoff: Who could that be? Elijah?

Kamala Harris: Good one, sweetie.

[Joe Biden lets himself in]

Joe Biden: Hey.

Kamala Harris: Hey, it’s Joe Biden. How are you, Joe Biden?

Joe Biden: Hey, folks. Did y’all catch my press conference? So easy. A lot of critics thought I wan’t mentally prepared enough but [reading his cheat sheet] I think I proved them all wrong. Oh, Kamala. I’m not sure if you heard but I’m putting you in charge of solving the immigration problem down at the Mexican border.

Kamala Harris: Yes. I did hear that. Wow. Thank you for the opportunity. Such a fun solve a problem. And what are you in charge of?

Joe Biden: Moi? Giving out checks. Who wants steemies? Whoo! Ha-ha. Make it rain.

Kamala Harris: Oh, Joe Biden. Oh, and guess what? I got a little Passover surprise for y’all. [Kamala Harris walks out and brings in a German Shepard] Here he is. Come on here. That’s right. That’s my dog, Major. He’s back from being retrained. It’s all better now, aren’t you, Major? Sweet pooch.

[Major growling]

Kamala Harris: Thank god we can all hangout and that we’re all vaccinated. Isn’t it great?

[Major jumps on Doug Emhoff. Doug Emhoff is trying to get rid of him.]

Ted Cruz: Thanks to president Trump, operation [Doug Emhoff grunting].

Kamala Harris: I don’t know about that. Did you catch my press conference, Ted?

Ted Cruz: Yeah, I did. Boring. I switched over to ice road and trucker’s marathon.

[the dog runs out and Doug Emhoff escapes]

Doug Emhoff: Thank god, something spooked that hell hound.

Kamala Harris: Well, it’s Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene getting in through the window]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: It’s looks pretty swanky for ANTIFA headquarters.

Kamala Harris: Marjorie, why didn’t you just knock on the door?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: No, no. Ever since January 6, I’ve only been entering dwelling insurrection style. I don’t trust doors. Door’s what’s destroying this country. I’ll only enter rooms through HVAC ducts, windows and SURR systems.

Kamala Harris: Doug? Honey, a word?

[everyone leaves and it’s only Kamala Harris and Doug Emhoff]

Doug Emhoff: What baby? What?

Kamala Harris: Baby I’m worried this unity thing is splitting everybody apart.

Doug Emhoff: Shh, come on. There’s a Passover seder song called Deyenu, and the refrain is it would have been enough. And if you’re just vice president–

Kamala Harris: On no, that won’t be enough.

Doug Emhoff: Okay. I want you. I want you. I want your lips.

Pence Gets the Vaccine Cold Open

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Karen… Lauren Holt

Doctor… Mikey Day

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Joe Biden… Alex Moffat

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

Ben Carson… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with NBC news intro]

Male voice: And now, vice-president Mike Pence receives the COVID-19 vaccine on live TV.

[Cut to Mike pence walking in to get vaccine]

Mike Pence: Hello. Thank you. I’m sure all Americans are excited to see me. The guy who let covid spread everywhere get one of the first vaccines. And my wife Karen will get one as well. [Karen nods her head yes] Would you like to say anything? [Karen shakes her head no] But you can talk. [Karen raises her shoulder] See you soon, mother. Before we begin, I just want to reassure the American people that this vaccine is completely safe and harmless. That’s why President Trump refuses to take it or talk about it. Instead, he sent me here to be his, what do you call it?

Doctor: Human shield?

Mike Pence: That’s right. That’s exactly the phrase he used. He is a colorful man. Even more fun on steroids.

Doctor: He’s still taking those?

Mike Pence: Speaking of roids, you’re probably noticing that I’m rocking short sleeves for this. So, if I look swole as F, that’s not an allergic reaction. I’ve been lifting weights in my driveway like Kevin Spacey in American Beauty and that’s where the similarities end.

Doctor: You don’t have to keep talking.

Mike Pence: I do. I do. So, thank you to all Americans for trusting President Trump with your health. He may not be doing president anymore, but he still cares deeply about not going to prison.

Doctor: Should we just start?

Mike Pence: Alright. You win, doc. Let’s get this over with.

[Karen starts opening his pants.]

Doctor: No, no. Mr. Vice President, it’s not that kind of vaccine.

Mike Pence: Oh, no. It’s okay. If you’re a doctor, you can go in.

Doctor: Mr. Vice President, it’s a simple injection in your arm.

Mike Pence: Oh. Okay. Cool.

Doctor: Really easy, and there you go.

Mike Pence: I didn’t feel a thing.

Doctor: Yes, it’s totally painless.

Mike Pence: No. I meant for the past four years, I haven’t felt a thing. Just kind of watched the country burn.

Doctor: Okay. Well, I’m not a therapist, but I think you’re all set. You handled it like a champ. And here is your lollipop.

Mike Pence: A lolli? Well, I guess it’s five o’clock somewhere.

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Yoo-hoo! Hello.

Mike Pence: No, no, no. Kamala Harris? You can’t see my bare forearms like this. Eyes off my elbows.

Kamala Harris: I promise you I am not interested.

Mike Pence: How did you even get into the White House?

Kamala Harris: I won more votes.

Mike Pence: Okay. I suppose you and Joe might be in here soon if those election results hold up.

[Kamala Harris slaps Mike Pence]

Kamala Harris: You do not.

Mike Pence: Okay. I’m sorry. Trump made me do it. He says I have to over turn the election or he’ll make my Spotify playlist public.

Kamala Harris: Listen. I have good news, Mike.

Mike Pence: Oh my god! BTS is touring again?

Kamala Harris: Even though you lost, you could still come back from this stronger than ever like the current president elect, my man, Joe Biden. Get in here, Joe.

[Joe Biden walks in. He’s walking with a support of a cane. Then he loses the cane, and does a somersault.]

Joe Biden: Hey there, Kamala.

Mike Pence: You look different, somehow.

Joe Biden: Yep. I’m like Cornell Sanders. Every time you see me, I’m a different guy. There’s a good chance this time next year, I’m going to be Mario Lopez. Now, where the vaccines at?

Mike Pence: I thought you were getting it on Monday, Joe.

Joe Biden: Yeah, but Kamala wants me to get it over with.

Kamala Harris: Well, I’m worried about you, Joe. Specially you’re already in a cast in Day -40 in “Office”.

Joe Biden: I just want to let the American people know one thing. You’re about to have a real leader again. You’re going to have the most diverse cabinet in the history of American politics.

Kamala Harris: And I will make sure that Joe never specifies what he means by diverse. That is my Christmas present to you, America.

Joe Biden: Or, if you celebrate Kwanza–

Kamala Harris: [interrupting] No! We’re going to go. Bye, bye.

Mike Pence: Well, thank you all for watching.

[Rudy Giuliani runs in]

Rudy Giuliani: Wait, wait. I hope I’m not too late. I heard they were giving out free meds.

Mike Pence: Oh my god. Rudy, are you okay?

Rudy Giuliani: Yeah, I’m better than ever. That’s what everyone’s saying.

Mike Pence: Rudy, what is happening with your face?

Rudy Giuliani: Oh. I think all my bodily fluids are trying to distance themselves from me. In the Bora, I figured out people thought I was touching myself. I was actually trying to tuck my blood back in.

Mike Pence: Oh my god.

Rudy Giuliani: Oh, and if you see black liquid running down my legs, don’t worry. That’s just pube dye.

Mike Pence: What? Okay, can you give this man a shot please?

Doctor: For what? Rabies?

Rudy Giuliani: Hey! Hey! You don’t joke down the mayor of 7-Eleven.

Doctor: Wait. 7-Eleven?

Rudy Giuliani: You be surprised.

[Ben Carson walks in]

Ben Carson: Excuse me.

Mike Pence: Dr. Carson?

Ben Carson: Yes, it is I. Dr. Benjamin Carson. I came here to ask what do I do?

Mike Pence: In terms of the vaccine?

Ben Carson: No, no. In terms of my job. What is it that I do? You see, I’ve been sitting alone in a dark office for the past four years and no one has told me what to do.

Mike Pence: Well, it doesn’t matter now. We’re all leaving in a couple of weeks.

Ben Carson: Well, can you at least tell me what my job was? I’d like to put it on my resume.

Doctor: Sorry. Weren’t you a brain surgeon?

Ben Carson: Oh, nobody can believe that now. Fiddle damn diddle!

Mike Pence: Well, America, I hope you trust the vaccine now. You know how it works because you can buy it in the soda fridge at CVS. Merry Christmas.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in] [cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House] [cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing] [singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Biden Halloween Cold Open

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Nate Silver… Mikey Day

Ice Cube… Kenan Thompson

Lil Wayne… Chris Redd

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: And now, a holiday message from former vice president, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden sitting in his home. He has his house decorated for Halloween.]

Joe Biden: Greetings, America. It’s a spooky time filled with demons and darkness. Also, it’s Halloween. For some Trump voters, it’s the only day they’ll wear a mask. Do you like my decorations? I borrowed them from Melania’s Christmas display, which reminds me, there’s another holiday right around the corner.Election day. If you’re like most Americans, you’re excited to vote and very, very worried about the outcome. But don’t worry. They say I made points ahead. Poll numbers like that can only go wrong once in a blue moon. [There’s a blue moon outside of Joe Biden’s window.] Hah! Well, that’s a little troubling. But tonight, I wanted to take our minds off the election by reading a scary story. [Joe Biden pulls out Donald Trump Jr’s book ‘Triggered’. Then immediately puts it away.] Hah! That one’s a little too scary. [He pulls out another book] It’s Edgar Allan Poe, The Raven, a classic poem. You know, in the 1800s, people would read this and soil their pantaloons. Let’s see how it holds up. It’s hard to open.

[Joe Biden opens the book]

Once upon a midnight dreary,
while Trump retweeted QAnon theories
and rifled through his Adderall drawer
I was writing my acceptance speech when something stopped me with a screech
it was a knock upon my chamber door
it was someone still a little sore

[Hillary Clinton walks in the door as the raven]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: Who made me scared of four years more
Quoth the Clinton…

Hillary Clinton:We’ve lost before, Ha-ha-ha

Joe Biden: I said, “Raven, stop being such a drag
we’ve got this one in a bag

it’s what every pundit said from shore to shore

Hillary Clinton: Not Michael Moore,
he says voters are being under counted in the polls
also even if you do win on Tuesday,
the election could still be stolen from you

Joe Biden: I said, “Common! No one would dare.
I’ll be sworn in fair and square
all the votes will be accounted for

Hillary Clinton: Just like Al Gore?

Joe Biden: This time is different, I can win
the people know I have a plan

Hillary Clinton: But your real advantage is you’re not a woman, you’re a man

Okay, you got this. Okay.

[Hillary Clinton walks out the door]

Joe Biden: I checked the website at 5:38
to find out my election fate
Nate Silver, you will know the score
even though…

[Nate Silver is standing there]

Nate Silver: I was wrong before.
So, look, guys, our current model shows that Trump has less than a one in six chance of winning, about the same odds as the number one coming up when you roll a die. So, for example, [Nate Silver rolls a die] hah! One! Well, I guess that shows you that it’s technically possible, however unlikely, but roll it again an you will see that it’s a… [rolls the die again] hah! One! But roll it again… [rolls the die again] and ‘electoral college tie’? That’s not even an option. Okay, I’m just going to leave because I think our country is haunted.

Joe Biden: Our country is not haunted. We just have to come together like two butt cheeks to stop the crap.

Decent folks out there I ask,
hasn’t Trump failed at his task?
do not elect him anymore
though Ice Cube and Lil Wayne…

[Cut to Ice Cube and Lil Wayne wearing MAGA hat]

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: … are voting for.

Joe Biden: Why in the name of all that is holy
would you be voting for Trump?

Ice Cube and Lil Wayne: Taxes!

Lil Wayne: Plus, Trumps got a new platinum plan.

Ice Cube: That’s right. If you got a platinum record, you can plan on him doing a photo op with you.

Joe Biden: Trump cannot win,
we must do better
than that spray tan super spreader
still I will win coz I’m a baller
just ask my running mate Kamala

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Come on, Joe, you know it’s Kamala

Joe Biden: I know. I took some artistic liberties to preserve my rhyme scheme.

I know a lot’s uncertain but I believe I’ll win this race. 

Kamala Harris: And that’s why Mitch McConnell…

[Mitch McConnell walks in]

Mitch McConnell: …is stopping by, just in case
Joe, my old pal from the senate. Don’t tell anyone this but I’m kind of pulling for you. You’re doing great. [Mitch McConnell showing thumbs up. His thumbs are injured.]

Joe Biden: My god. What happened to your hands, lobster boy?

Mitch McConnell: Oh. No. This is just very calm and normal condition called ‘old man purple’. Basically my blood hates me so much, it’s trying to reave my body. Either that or I’m too far away from my horcrux.

[Mitch McConnell runs out]

Joe Biden: So, whatever happens, America, know that it’ll be okay. 

Kamala Harris: Our nation will endure. We will fight another day. 

Joe Biden: I’m sure it will be peaceful no matter who has won. 

Kamala Harris: Though it’s never a good sign when Walmart stops selling guns
use your voice and use your vote
democracy will represent

Joe Biden: This daylight savings time, let’s gain an hour and lose a president.

Joe Biden and Kamala Harris: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Final Debate Cold Open

Kristen Welker… Maya Rudolph

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Rudy Giuliani… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Presidential Debate intro] [Cut to Kristen Welker at her set]

Kristen Welker: Good evening. I’m Kristen Welker and it is the honor of a lifetime to moderate the second and praise Jesus, final presidential debate. Tonight we have a mute button because it was either that or tranquilizer darts and the president is a very high tolerance for those after his covid treatment. So, please welcome President Donald Trump and former vice president Joe Biden.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Joe Biden walking in the stage.]

Good evening, gentlemen, and welcome to the debate. Are we ready to begin?

Joe Biden: Yes. But first, how does this mute button work? Do I just haul off and slap him in the mouth?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Vice President, we’ll take care of that on our own.

Joe Biden: Are you sure? Because I think everybody would love to see me do it.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Really, you think you’re some kind of tough guy coz of all that money you got from China?

[Joe Biden walks towards Donald Trump to fight but gets stopped by Kristen Welker]

Kristen Welker: Uh-uh-uh. [Kristen Welker is pointing at a button on her table] I’ll push it. I’ll push it. It’s not connecting to anything but I will push it. Now our first question on the coronavirus is for President Trump. More than Rudy Giuliani0,000 Americans are in the hospital tonight with covid. How would you lead the country during the next stage of this crisis?

Donald Trump: What a nice question. Thank you, Hoda. Or can I just say you are really doing a great job.

Kristen Welker: Wow. It is creepier when you’re nice. But thank you.

Donald Trump: No, really, you’re taking really good care of us tonight. Now, could you just tell us about the specials please?

Kristen Welker: No, Mr. Trump, I am the moderator. Not your waitress.

Donald Trump: Oh, okay. Just some waters then, okay? Anyway, coronavirus are boring. Right? But we’re doing terrific. We’re rounding the corner. In fact we’re rounded so many corners. We’ve gone all the way around the block and we’re back but we’re back where we started in March.

Joe Biden: Come on, man. We’re in the middle of the third wave. Where I come from, if a girl give you a third wave, you were practically married. Doesn’t even know what time it is. It’s half past ‘come on, man!’

Donald Trump: No. It’s not a wave. A wave goes like this. [gesturing the wave form] And this is going like this. [gesturing the chart rising] Okay? And sure, there’s been a tiny coronavirus spike in Florida. And a tinsy spike in Arizona and a toonsy-woonsy in North Dakota, but who cares? A lot of people don’t know this but we’ve got another Dakota there somewhere.

Joe Biden: [talking to himself] Just breathe, Joe. If you don’t breathe, you’ll die.

Donald Trump: And just a couple of weeks. If you’ll vote for me, the vaccine will be here and will be distributed by the military.

Kristen Welker: I’m sorry. You said the military will distribute the vaccine?

Donald Trump: That’s right. The army will come and shoot it with a cannon into your face. Look, I had it. It was very mean to me. But I beat it. And now the doctors say I can never die. This virus said to me, “Sir, I have to leave your body.” The virus was crying, very sad. It didn’t want to leave my body. And the point is we’re all learning to live with it.

Joe Biden: Learning to live with it? We’re learning to die with it, man.

Kristen Welker: Oh, looks like Mr. Biden is so mad, he’s Eastwooding it a little bit.

Joe Biden: That’s right. Now, I believe the little lady asked you about a plan. Why don’t you enlighten us?

Donald Trump: I have a plan. It’s the most beautiful plan you’ve ever seen.

Joe Biden: You don’t even have a plan for me. First I’m creepy. Then I’m sleepy. You say I have dementia. Then you say I’m a criminal mastermind. Which one is it, Chemo-sabi?

Donald Trump: Look, I can’t show you my plan. It’s under audit along with my taxes which I’ve prepaid just like a drug dealer’s telephone. And I take full responsibility for the coronavirus even though it came from China on a plan piloted by Nancy Pilosi filled with Mexicans which we shot down over pedo-island.

Joe Biden: Come on! Don’t fall for that America. And I hate to curse in front of a woman but that’s a bunch of molarchy!

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And we have our first molarchy. If you’re playing Biden Bingo at home, take a shot. Mr. President?

Donald Trump: Thank you, Padma. Look, people love how I’ve handled the Wu-Tang virus. If he was in charge, we’d all be in our basements and that’s where the haunted Annabelle doll lives, okay? A lot of people are saying that’s a very scary doll. She’s so scary, some are saying that’s the most scary doll. And that’s not cowardly. That’s just smart, okay? We can’t spend all day in the basement. Because we’re all not rich like Joe with all the money he got from China.

Joe Biden: Look at me. Do I look remotely rich? If I have money, where am I spending it? I live in Delaware. A night out is $28. Come on! I bought this suit on a train. Come on. If I had 3 million extra dollars, would I be taking the train to work? No. I’d be pulling up to the capital in a candy red trans-am and Kenny Loggins playing in the back. Not a recording. The real Kenny Loggins. Can I get a ‘come on’?

Kristen Welker: Come on! Oh! That is fun. Now, president Trump, you said a vaccine would be coming within weeks. Is that true?

Donald Trump: Anything can be weeks, okay? A month is five weeks. But a year is 36 or something. But I guarantee you the vaccine is coming somewhere between two and 700 weeks. okay? Tell them we have to wear the stupid masks and a little goggles, and we are making so many ventilators and I don’t want to get everybody excited. But if elected, I promise everyone in America will be on a big beautiful ventilator.

Kristen Welker: Okay, great. That segways to healthcare in a scary way. Vide President Biden, what is your plan if Obamacare is struck down?

Joe Biden: I have a plan. It’s called ‘Biden care’. It’s like Obamacare but Biden. It may not talk as smooth, it may need a little bit more sunscreen than the previous Melanin Rich plan, but damn it, it’s got heart and it works!

Donald Trump: My plan is perfect. It’s a beautiful, beautiful plan.

Joe Biden: Show us the plan.

Donald Trump: I mean this plan is LA-10.

Joe Biden: Give me the plan, man.

Donald Trump: Large naturals, high booty, bad attitude, but she cute.

Joe Biden: Not a plan. Not a plan. That’s a planless man.

Donald Trump: Excuse me. I’d love to show the plan. But I can’t because it’s under audit like my taxes. And if you don’t believe me, you can talk to my lawyer Rudy Giuliani

[Rudy Giuliani is shaking his hand inside his coat.]

Rudy Giuliani: What? No. It’s not what it looks like. My microphone was stuck on my balls. Is this another borat? You gotta tell me if it’s a borat.

Donald Trump: You’re in trouble now, Biden, because Rudy’s got a lot of sane and coherent information. It looks really bad for you, Joe. Tell him, Rudy.

Rudy Giuliani: Get ready for this truth bomb. Your son Hunter got $3 million from Moscow and his friend told me about the due, he has emails right there on the wet laptop from hell. And our eyewitness saw everything and he is blind.

Donald Trump: See? Even his nasty son is corrupt.

Joe Biden: [thinking in his mind] Don’t do it Joe. Don’t retaliate. Even though his kids are bunch of charity scamming right offs looking like they just came out of a two week Vegas [inaudible 00:08:Kristen WelkerRudy Giuliani] selling bad tubes to stupid people, children at the GMO chord.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, would you like to respond to that?

Joe Biden: No.

Kristen Welker: Very well. Then I’d like to move on to talking about race. Mr. President?
Donald Trump: Thank you Mindy, I love your project.

Kristen Welker: Oh, I can’t wait to hear this.

Donald Trump: Well, first of all, I am the least racist person in this room. I’ve done more for black people than anyone else except for maybe Lincoln. Black people love Lincoln and his cars. I see them driving his cars all the time. Sometimes there’s white people in the back, but not always. Thank you.

Joe Biden: You think you’re Lincoln because his nickname has the word ‘honest’ in it?

Kristen Welker: And mute. And that is about as well as the race section could have gone. As promised, I have saved exactly 60 seconds for climate change. Mr. Vice President.

Joe Biden: Well, since we’re almost out of time, oil – no, wind – yes, fracking depends on what state I’m in.

Donald Trump: This guy and his wind. He loves wind. Look. I know about wind than anyone, okay? Wind kills all the birds, chops them right out like a magic bullet and turns them into bird guacamole. Okay? It makes golf shots go bad and sometimes it gets real fast and turns into a twister and throws a cow right on top of Helen Hunt.

Kristen Welker: Wow. Okay. Thank you, Mr. President for sharing your poem about wind. At this point, we’ve come to our final question and it’s for both of you. I want you to imagine your inauguration day. What will you say to Americans who did not vote for you?

Donald Trump: Well, if they didn’t vote for me, I guess I’d say, “Ola.” For the rest of them, I’d just say – just remember how good things used to be back before the China plague. We have the lowest unemployment numbers in all categories. Blacks, Asians, Latinxs, brunetts, MILFS, LGBTQAnon. In conclusion, New York is a ghost town. Kids love cages and Joe Biden is from Kenya. Thank you.

Kristen Welker: Mr. Vice President, your turn.

Joe Biden: Look, everybody. You know who he is and you know who I am. I’m good old Joe. I’m reliable as a rock. I’ve got a five star safety rating and I’m ranked best mid size in my class by JD Power and Associates. I don’t have a golden toilet seat. I have a soft spongy one that hisses whenever I park my keister. There’s only two things I do. I kick ass and I take trains. And I don’t see any trains in sight. And that ladies and gentlemen, is no malarchy.

[right answer bell ringing]

Kristen Welker: And with that malarchy, that’s bingo and I am drunk. Good luck, America.

Kristen Welker, Donald Trump and Joe Biden: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Dueling Town Halls Cold Open

George Stephanopoulos… Mikey Day

Joe Biden… Jim Carrey

Nicholas Fetin… Chris Redd

Savannah Guthrie… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Jacklin Lugo… Melissa Villaseñor

Paula Dale… Chloe Fineman

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with a video message]

Male voice: On Thursday, Vice President Biden held a town hall, as scheduled, on ABC. At the same time, NBC laid a thirst trap for President Trump. One town hall was a thoughtful, cogent discussion of the issues facing our country. The other featured President Trump. We now present a rebroadcast of those town halls the way most Americans watched them… Flipping back and forth, trying to decide between a Hallmark movie and an alien autopsy. This… is…

[Cut to intro of Dueling Town Halls]

Male voice: … Dueling Town Halls

[Cut to George Stephanopoulos at his set]

George: Good evening. I’m George Stephanopoulos. And the vibe we’re going for tonight is poorly attended college lecture. The folks asking questions are half pro-Biden and half anti-Trump and somehow we’ve put all of them in the last row of the balcony. [Cut to the audience. There are only two of them.] How are you guys up there?

Man: Huh?

Woman: I have vertigo.

George: Great! [Cut to George] And our guest of honor tonight is former vice president and future oatmeal spokesman, Joe Biden.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking in] [Cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Hello. Hello, Philadelphians. It’s great to be here. Hey, is that Bobby Clark of the 1974-75 flyers? [Joe Biden walks to the audience side]

George: Mr. Vice President, please don’t wander into the audience to greet people.

Joe Biden: Sorry. [Joe Biden is very close to the camera] I’m just so excited to talk to America with real life Americans. Hey, George, check it out. [starts dancing] That’s dance for the kids on TikTok.

George: Okay, Joe. Let’s focus. Now, are you ready for softball questions for folks who are already voting for you?

Joe Biden: You bet your short pants I am. This is going to be exciting, George. I’ve given every audience member a glass of warm milk and a blanket. Who’s ready to have fun with facts and figures?

[There’s a guy in the audience holding a glass of milk]

George: Alright. First question is from Nicholas Fetin and he’s a democrat.

Nicholas: Mr. Vice President, how would your response to COVID differ from horrible one of President Trump who I hate?

George: Okay, let’s limit how many times you outright say you hate President Trump during your questions. Mr. Vice President, go ahead.

Joe Biden: Okay. Now, Nicholas, where the hell are you?

Nicholas: I’m up here. Go ahead.

Joe Biden: Hey, yes. Here’s the deal. Unlike the president, I actually have a plan.

Nicholas: Okay, great. What is it?

Joe Biden: A plan? It’s a detailed proposal for doing or achieving something.

Nicholas: No, no. I mean what’s your plan?

Joe Biden: Oh, right, right. Well, let me start with a story mixed with a complicated math problem. If you have 3 million doses of vaccine and the vaccine leaves Chicago at 10 AM, what time would it arrive in Washington, and please show your work.

[changing channel] [Cut to Savannah in her set]

Savannah: Good evening America. I’m am surprised badass Savannah Guthrie. And if you are angry at NBC for doing this Town Hall, just let me get a few questions in and I think you’ll thank me. Joining me tonight is President Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump] [cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Thank you Saran Getti. It’s great to be here. Even though, woman.

Savannah: We have lots of voters waiting to ask questions, but I’d like to start by tearing you a new one. Why won’t you condemn white supremacy?

Donald Trump: I do. I do condemn and I have always more or less condemned it.

Savannah: What about QAnon?

Donald Trump: You mean the group that thinks democrats are a cabal of satan-worshipping pedophiles, and I’m their messiah? I don’t know anything about them at all. No.

Savannah: Yes, you do, Mr. President.

Donald Trump: Well, I do know that they’re against pedophilia and I agree with that. If anyone’s against pedophiles, it’s me, the man who was close personal friends with one of the most famous pedophiles on earth. Russian power, Jeffrey.

Savannah: Okay. What about the Aryan Brotherhood?

Donald Trump: They’re very pro family. That’s all I know.

Savannah: KKK?

Donald Trump: The car breaks down, you call triple-K.

Savannah: Okay. Mr. President, just last week you tweeted that Osama Bin Laden is still alive.

Donald Trump: I didn’t tweet it. It was a retweet which is short for really smart tweet.

Savannah: Okay. But you can’t just do things like that. You’re not just someone’s crazy uncle.

Donald Trump: Really? Because this conversation we’re having right now was a preview of thanks giving dinner and a lot of American households are crazy uncles. Stand back and standby.

[changing channel] [Cut back to Joe Biden]

Joe Biden: And that brings us to George9Savannah9. A year when I went to the world’s fair and met the ream Mickey Mouse. Does that answer your question? If you want to find me after the Town Hall, we can talk some more.

Nicholas: Some more?

[changing channel]

Savannah: So, just to be clear, when was the last time you tested negative.

Donald Trump: There were so many tests, Santana. I get tested all the time.

Savannah: Okay, for COVID.

Donald Trump: There were so many COVIDs, Savannah. COVID-GeorgeJoe Biden, COVID-GeorgeDonald Trump.

Savannah: Were you tested for COVID-George9 on the day of the debate?

Donald Trump: There have been so many debates, Savannah.

Savannah: There was one f-ing debate. Now, do you have any remaining symptoms of COVID?

Donald Trump: No. Not at all. I’m doing great. My doctors said my lung is beautiful. I have one beautiful lung now. It’s turned basically into glass, so it’s very strong.

Savannah: And you didn’t have pneumonia?

Donald Trump: I had a small fever. It was around 100… celcius, but I did great. I never died, never saw hell or the devil. He never showed me a list of my sins. I was just alive and strong the whole time.

Savannah: Okay, I’m done with my initial prostate exam. Our first question tonight is from Jacklin Lugo.

Jacklin: Hello, Mr. President. [Spanish language]

Donald Trump: No, no. Different person.

Savannah: Okay. Let’s go to our next question from Paula Dale and I’m told she’s horny.

Paula: Um, yes. Greetings Mr. President. I have to say you have a great smile. He does. You’re so handsome when you smile.

Donald Trump: Thank you.

Paula: Can you give us a little more smile? There’s so much to smile about right now. [Donald Trump is smiling] Let me see those gorgeous chompers. [Donald Trump can’t stop smiling] There we go, so beautiful. Now, my question is about immigration. [Donald Trump suddenly makes angry expression] My parents were both immigrants, so I want to know what you’ll do with the so called ‘dreamers.’

Donald Trump: Where did you parents immigrate from?

Paula: Mexico. I’m kidding. They came from Mrs. Maisel-Vania.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: And that’s why you have to do something. You can make a difference. You can save this country.

George: Joe, who are you talking to?

Joe Biden: I’m talking to God, George. Father, son, holy, ghost, you’re the team we love the most.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: And that’s why– that’s why we’re going to have a v-shaped recovery, a deep V, rippling pecs and a toned eight packs, swimmer’s body basically like I have after COVID and it’s going to be beautiful.

Savannah: The question was why won’t you releases your taxes?

Donald Trump: That’s simple because I don’t want to go to jail. Thank you.

Savannah: Our next question is from a pro live millennial, so, yikes, good luck.

Woman: My question is did you nominate judge Barrett to strike down Roe V. Wade? Because that would be pretty chill of you TBH.

[There’s a black woman behind Donald Trump nodding her head yes.]

Donald Trump: That’s a beautiful question. Thank you. I didn’t tell Amy– I didn’t tell Amy Conan O’Brian to vote any way on any issue. Some people, some very brilliant legal minds say that Roe V. Wade should be overturned and burned in a trashcan like Antifa is burning all of my ballots because everyone knows that radical left are trying to seal this election. They’re taking down statues which are full of Trump votes. That’s where people place their votes. It’s in the statues and the Antifa is stealing them and changing them Trump to Kathy Griffin–

[Kamala Harris walks in]

Kamala Harris: Okay. Okay. [cheers and applause] I’m sorry. This is the last place I want to be. But somebody has to ask, what the happening with that woman? Because I only nod that much when a waiter asks if I’ll be having mimosas at brunch. So, either that’s Candace Owens in a wig or baby girl answered the wrong craigslist ad. Are you okay miss? [the woman is shaking her head no] Just blink twice if you’re being held hostage. [the woman is just shaking her head] Oh, oh, you’re listening to music on tiny headphones? I’m genuinely trying to understand what is happening. Because if you’re not a plant, then I am deeply, deeply concerned for you.

Donald Trump: She is probably just upset that I didn’t win the Nobel Prize. [the woman starts honking the blow air horn.]

Kamala Harris: I need to get out of here because this is some spooky ass Jordan Peele nonsense. [The woman now has a message sign “Call Me, Fox News!”] I just hope Joe’s Town Hall is more inspiring than this.

[changing channel]

Joe Biden: [soothing music playing on background] Let’s make the most of this beautiful day. Since we’re together, we might as well say.

[singing with the audience] Would you be mine, could you be mine
won’t you be my neighbors?

What do you say? Will you be my neighbors, George?

George: What? I’m sorry, I’m watching the Trump one. They’re really going at it.

[changing channel] [Cut to Donald Trump and Savannah trying to wrestle on the stage]

Male voice: [rock music playing on background] And now, Savannah is telling him there’s another question. But oh, no, it was just a distraction. Savannah has a folding chair [Savannah gets a chair and hits Donald Trump] from the audience and Trump doesn’t see it. Oh, the humanity.

[changing channel] [Cut to Joe Biden wearing a wig and painting a landscape]

Joe Biden: And you see, each tree has it’s own personality. Just like America. Does that answer your question, Justin?

Justin: If I say yes, can I sit down?

Joe Biden: You bet, you buckaroo.

Justin: Both of my legs are sleeping.

George: Well, Mr. Vice President, I believe we are about out of time, so I’m going to ask you for your closing statement.

Joe Biden: George, we have to restore sanity to the nation. If elected, I promise I won’t tweet once because I don’t know how. And I’ll have exactly one scandal. I will mistake Angela Merkel for my wife from behind and tell her she’s got a rocking caboose. There’s no malice in that. That’s it.

[changing channel]

Donald Trump: In conclusion, there’s only one question that matters. Just ask yourselves, America, aren’t you better off than you were four years ago?

[Cut to the map of America saying “No”] [Cut back to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: All right, then just try and take me alive.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.