Tag: John

Couple Goals

Bob Dabilda… James Austin Johnson

Thomas… Kenan Thompson

Mia… Quinta Brunson

John… Michael Longfellow

Linda… Punkie Johnson

Announcer: It’s time for ‘Couple Goals’ with your host, Bob Dabilda.

Bob Dabilda: Welcome to ‘Couple Goals’, the game where married couples find out just how well they know each other. Let’s meet today’s contestants. They recently celebrated their 10 year anniversary. It’s Thomas and Mia Anderson.

And they lived across from each other during the pandemic and now they’re married, it’s John and Linda Cronin.

Alright, let’s get started. As you know, your spouse has answered a series of questions before the show and it’s up to you to guess what they said. Question one. What is your wife’s favorite food. Thomas?

Thomas: Oh, come on now, Bob. That’s easy. She’s the queen of burgers.

Bob Dabilda: Sounds pretty confident. Let’s see what Mia said.

Mia: Burgers. I’m the burger queen.

Bob Dabilda: Alright. The Andersons are on the board. Let’s go to the Cronins. John.

John: I’m gonna go with my gut here and say grapes.

Linda: Oh no. I said fish sticks. You’ll get them next time, babe.

Bob Dabilda: All right, question two. What is your husband’s greatest fear?

Mia: I’ve seen this man in the garage. And trust me, the answer is spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Aright, Mia says spiders and Tom has said his greatest fear is… that you’ll fall down the stairs and get hurt so bad that I have to give up my dreams and spend the rest of my life caring for you. Wow. No points on that one.

Mia: That’s your biggest fear?

Thomas: Spiders. Yeah. I should have said spiders.

Bob Dabilda: Okay, moving on with the Cronins. Linda, what is your husband’s greatest fear?

Linda: Oh, I got this. It’s airplanes.

John: No, honey, it’s snakes. Remember?

Linda: Oh, so close.

John: Was it though? Was it?

Bob Dabilda: Okay Anderson’s, next question. What’s something you do in bed that your husband does not like? Mia.

Mia: Well, this is embarrassing. But I’ll say it kiss him before brushing my teeth.

Bob Dabilda: And Tom is sad – Sleep too close to the edge.

Mia: Thomas, you think I’m gonna fall out of bed and break my neck?

Thomas: Ha-ha-ha. Ay, what’s the next question, man?

Bob Dabilda: Over to Linda, what’s one thing you do in bed that your husband does not like?

Linda: I’d have to say get on top.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. And John said –

John: Hog the sheets, babe.

Bob Dabilda: Once again, the Cronins are not remotely on the same page. Next question for the Andersons. What was your biggest fight about?

Thomas: Oh, I know this one. That would be the basketball game incident.

Bob Dabilda: Okay. Thomas says the basketball game incident and Mia says – the time I hit a half court shot at a basketball game and they gave me free rock climbing lessons for life. And you ran out and ripped up the certificate in front of the whole stadium. Five points to the Andersons.

Thomas: We run away with now, huh baby?

Bob Dabilda: Okay, folks, that sound means it’s time for a bonus question. This one’s for you, Mia. Who has had the biggest influence on your husband’s life?

Mia: His father?

Thomas: Yeah. My dad. And my parents are actually here today. How am I doing Dad?

Dad: You’re doing great son.

[His mother is looking at him disappointed]

Bob Dabilda: Back to Linda. What is your husband’s dream vacation?

Linda: I don’t know. Snake world.

John: Yeah, yeah, it’s snake world. No, you idiot. I just said I don’t like snakes.

Bob Dabilda: Calling your spouse an idiot and you lose a turn. All right. Mia, what’s your husband’s dream vacation?

Mia: At this point, who knows? But he always said Aruba.

Thomas: Yes. Yes baby.

Mia: Alright, finally. There’s the man I married.

Bob Dabilda: Uh-huh. And what’s that little asterix?

Thomas: Oh, that’s just this.

Bob Dabilda: As long as you’re still healthy. If not then Big Sur with your sister. After years of caring for you together, we will have grown close in away we Never expected. And when we finally climax together under the redwoods, we’ll hold each other and weep. Not just because the pleasure is so intense, but because we finally feel released from our tragic shared burden. Well, you both said Aruba, that five points put you over the top. Anderson’s you have won our grand prize.

Mia: Wait, we did?

Thomas: We won, baby.

Bob Dabilda: And that grand prize is an all expense paid trip to Bali’s Temple of 1000 steps.

Thomas: No!

Mothers Day Gifts

Mom… Aidy Bryant

Mikey Day

John… Benedict Cumberbatch

Chloe Fineman

Danny… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with a family gathering on Mother’s day]

Children: Presents! Presents! Presents! Presents!

Mikey: Come on, mom. Open it.

Aidy: Oh my gosh, what a Mother’s Day. You did too much.

John: Well, you deserve it. After all, you’re our mom.

Aidy: Well, I’m your wife.

John: Yeah, that’s what I meant. Who wants to go first?

Chloe: I do. I do.

Aidy: Oh, you know, I love these little wooden signs. Okay, let me see. Okay, “Life doesn’t come with a manual. It comes with a mother.” Oh, where’d you get this?

Chloe: We got it at Home Depot. They sell art there too.

John: This one’s from me, sweetie.

Aidy: Okay, thank you, John. Okay, “Mom turned upside down spells Wow.”

John: Turn it upside down, it actually works.

Aidy: No no, I see. No, you’re right. It does it. These are really great.

Mikey: Here, mom. Thought you’d like this one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. Thank you, sweetie. Okay, “Dear mom. We sucked your teats dry and now you look weird in a bathing suit. Happy Mother’s Day.”

John: Aww.

Danny: Good one.

Chloe: Chloe.

Aidy: But I guess I thought this one would have a little funny rhyme or something. But thank you.

Chloe: You kind of look like the woman in the sign?

Aidy: Yeah, I don’t know about that.

Chloe: Honey, give her yours.

Danny: Okay, here you go, Mrs. M. Just wanted to say thank you for welcoming me to the family.

Aidy: Oh, of course, Danny. Let’s see. “Having a mother in law is like having crabs.”

John: Aww.

Aidy: What? Is there more on the back? I mean, it feels like they didn’t finish the joke.

Chloe: Well, you’re gonna like this one.

Aidy: Okay, well, I do like the color for sure. “Were your ears ringing? I was in therapy.” That doesn’t even say Happy Mother’s Day.

John: I picked this one all out by myself.

Aidy: Okay, it’s a big one here. “Dear wife. Now that the kids are grown, we don’t have sex as much anymore. But we do sometimes. And that’s fine.” What?

John: This one actually goes with it. So “Don’t read into that as me asking for more sex. The amount that we are doing is good for me. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay These are getting really specific and personal.

Chloe: Yeah, they’re great. Right?

Aidy: Well, I think you’ve spent too much.

Danny: Oh no, they’re like $1.99.

Chloe: Okay, I want to read this one. “Dear Mom, if you died and dad remarried—” [John laughing] Wait, I’m not finished. “It would be an adjustment, but I feel like we would get to a place where we were able to call the new woman Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.”

Aidy: Okay, okay. I don’t understand. You know, usually these signs say something like, you know, “Caution. Mom needs wine,” or something like that.

John: We have ones like that here.

Aidy: Okay, okay, let’s see. It says, “Oh, look, it’s wine o’clock. I just love watching the sunrise.” Is that implying that I’m getting drunk at dawn?

Danny: Here’s a good one.

Aidy: Oh, okay. “I only drink on days that end in y and during hours that have numbers in them.”

Chloe: Here’s another.

Aidy: Oh, my— Okay, okay, “I’m not drunk. It’s just the wine talking.” Oh, “As in, oh my god, a bottle is talking to me and it has lips and everything. Did I get so drunk? I did shrooms. Oh, yeah, I did. I’m an effing mess.” Okay, I don’t drink that much.

Mikey: Here you go.

Aidy: Oh. [opens the sign] “You do”? Okay, I think Mother’s Day can be done now. Okay, thank you, everyone.

Mikey: No, mom. We’re sorry. I guess we got carried away.

John: Yeah, I mean, you know, they seemed really clever in the store. Don’t be mad. This is your day.

Chloe: There is one last one if you want to look, you probably don’t though.

Aidy: Oh, you know what? Fine. Just give it to me. “Mom, for all the times we forgot to thank you for all the special things you do, there’s just one thing we need to mention. You’re the best. We love you.” Okay, well, that one is pretty cool.

Danny: That part flips down.

Aidy: Okay. “We suspect dad has a secret family.”

[John laughing]

John: Who wants more pancakes.

Aidy: Well, wait, do you? I need an answer.

John Mulaney StandUp Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is amazing to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fifth time. For many, many reasons I’m grateful to be here tonight after a very complicated year. It is wonderful to be in a place that’s always emphasized sobriety and mental health. Since I last hosted, different things have happened. In December of 2020, I went to dinner at a friend’s apartment, but it was not dinner. It was an intervention. For me. My least favorite kind of intervention. When I walked into my intervention, I knew right away that it was an intervention. Do you know how bad of a drug problem you have to have? If when you open a door and see people gathered, your first thought is, “This is probably an intervention about my drug problem. There’s no other reason people would be behind the door.” I walked in, there were six of my friends in New York in person, and six of my friends over Zoom from LA. And you may be thinking, hey, if that was me, I would have been like, if you’re so worried about me, how come you didn’t fly in? Don’t worry. I said that several times. I rang that bell as often as possible. I went away to a rehab, which was a very good experience. I’m very grateful that I went. I was there for two months from December till February 2021. I was there January 6, during the insurrection. Wouldn’t have happened on my watch. Because I would have seen to it. Was there ever an insurrection before I went to rehab? No. Has there been one since I got out? Absolutely not. They wouldn’t dare. They know baby J is back on the streets.

One thing I did in rehab one exercise is you sit down with a counselor and you delete and block all of your drug dealers phone numbers. In some cases, you reach out to a dealer to say, “Hey, never get in touch with me again. I’m sober now.” It’s called breaking up with your drug dealer. I did this one afternoon with a counselor. I sat down. I texted my main dealer Arvind first. And I shouldn’t have said his name. But that’s, that’s okay. You don’t know him. Anyway, I texted Arvind first and I said, “Hey, I’m deleting and blocking you. I’m sober now. I’m never gonna buy drugs again.” And then I’m really polite. So I didn’t know how to end the text. So I was like, “But thank you for all of the nights that became days and your inspired professionalism.” So I send the text before I can delete and block him. He texts me back. He goes, “Hey, I’m so proud of you. I’m so happy that you got sober. You know, I only bought drugs to sell to you. Because I was worried about you. And I didn’t want you to get worse stuff off the street.” I know. And I’m breaking up with this guy? So I can’t block him. Now I text him back, you know? I go, “Hey, oh my god, you sweet man.” I said, “You only bought drugs to sell to me?” He says , “Yeah.” I said, “Did you sell drugs to other people?” He said, “No.” I said, “This is a weird time to ask. But are you a drug dealer?” He said, “No. I’m a painter. We talked about this.” Ladies and gentlemen, I have no idea how I know this person. So I texted him. I go, “How did it come to be that you sell me drugs?” And he wrote back, “I don’t know. You just kept asking.” I like that story. Because there are many tales of drug dealers who have turned innocent people into drug addicts. I might be the first drug addict to turn an innocent man into a drug dealer and that is the promise of their.

Life is a lot better and happier now. I have a 12 week old son. I’m very excited. Yes. He is a pretty cool guy for someone who can’t vote. His legs are like little calzones and I want to eat him. His name is Malcolm. And let me tell you the moment when I first bonded the hardest with Malcolm. We were in the delivery room, my girlfriend had just given birth to him, and he’s crying a little. So, they bring them over to this warmer on the other side of the delivery room, and they put them on the warmer under this big bright light. And light is just shining in his eyes. It’s really bright. And he’s not crying or anything. He just looks up at the light and this is what he does. He goes he was annoyed. But he didn’t say anything. And I was like, “That’s my son. A polite man in an uncomfortable situation, but he’s not going to make a fuss.” And this was a really bright light. I thought it was bright and I’d seen lights. He’d never seen a light before in his life. To see on a baby’s face the expression, Jesus with the light, is very interesting. He’s a very good boy. His favorite pacifier just got recalled though. It’s such a bummer. He loved it. So we had like a dozen of them. We still have them in a basket on our counter. And I see this look in his eyes all the time of like, “Oh, I want to use those but I can’t because they could kill me.” Welcome to my world homie.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show. LCD Soundsystemis here. So stick around and we’ll be right back.

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.

John Krasinski Monologue

John Krasinski

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Krasinski.

[John Krasinski walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Wow! I am so honored to be hosting the first show of 2021. I genuinely cannot tell you what a huge deal it is for me to be here right now. I have been watching this show since I was eight years old. I was trying to explain that to my kids, what I was doing this week, and I told them, “You know how your favorite show is PAW Patrol? My favorite show is SNL. So, for me, it’s like I’m on PAW Patrol.” And they were like, “What? You’re on PAW Patrol?” And I said, “No, no, no.” They were like, “Oh, well then call us when you’re on PAW Patrol.” So, to actually be here now on this historic stage is nothing sort of mind blowing for me because–

Alex: [from the audience] Hey! Hey, Jim. I have a question.

John: Okay. I guess we’re doing questions now.

Alex: So, my question is you’re Jim from the office?

John: No. I’m actually John. But yes, hello.

Alex: Okay. Follow up question. To the office!

John: I’m not actually sure what that would even look like.

Alex: Hey. Where’s Pam?

John: Alright. Pam is a fictional character. That is where she is. But I am here and I am so excited to be on this stage with all of you. My wife Emily Blunt actually hosted few years ago and she has some great advice. She said, “John, when you go–

Ego: [from the audience] Hi, Jim.

John: Hi. Another question.

Ego: You look different.

John: Thank you very much. I’ve been working out for the part of Jack Ryan. Thank you. Obviously not enough, but —

Ego: No. Yeah, you need to stop it.

John: Stop working out? I’m sorry.

Ego: Yes. Jim is soft.

John: Okay. Well, that’s not really a question.

Ego: Jim sits all day. When you touch Jim, your hand goes in like memory foam.

John: Okay. I’m sorry. But ma’am, here’s what I’m going to do. I’m not going to talk to you anymore.

Kenan: I got a question.

John: Okay.

Kenan: Kiss Pam.

John: Alright. None of these things are really questions, though. Are they?

Kenan: I need you to kiss Pam, that is what I need to see today.

John: Alright. Guys, here’s the deal. Pam’s not real. She’s played by Jenna Fisher. We are friends. We are married to other people.

Kenan: Is your wife here?

John: No. Actually, she’s back in the UK.

Kenan: Well, then kiss Pam.

John: I’m so sorry. Lorne, is there something we can do about all these questions?

[Pete Davidson walks in the stage]

Pete: Hey, John. How are you doing?

John: Hi. Good. It’s going good. It’s going great.

Pete: Oh, I’m sorry, man, about this. I think what’s happening is everyone’s been stuck inside for a year watching “The Office” non-stop. So, Jim and Pam are like, really real for them.

Kenan: Is that Pam?

John: No. Clearly, this isn’t Pam. This is Pete Davidson.

Pete: I think they really need for someone to be Pam.

John: Really? I mean I tried to explain to them that Pam’s not actually–

Pete: I think we gotta give them what they want, Jim. Jim, you gotta kiss Pam.

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam! Kiss Pam!

John: Alright!

[John turns to Pete and kisses him.]

Alex, Ego, Kenan: Yay! Okay, let’s go!

[Alex, Ego, Kenan run away]

John: That did feel really good. Wow. Thank you, Pam. Well, we have a great show for you tonight. Machine Gun Kelly is here. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

John Mulaney Stand-Up Monologue

John Mulaney

[Starts with SNL monologue intro]

[Cut to SNL stage]

[Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, John Mulaney.

[John Mulaney walks in and to the stage]

[cheers and applause]

John Mulaney: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is great to be here hosting Saturday Night Live for the fourth time. Thank you. It’s the most anyone has ever hosted. Happy Halloween to all of you and thank you for coming to this. Thank you to everyone here who did so much work to make something happen because nothing had been happening for so long. We all really appreciate it. My name is John Mulaney. I am a comedian, or as I like to call us ‘The last responders’.

I live in New York city. I love New York city. And I love that you’re all wearing masks. But I’m a little sad about masks in New York city because it prevents you from over hearing conversations on the streets and that is one of the city’s greatest joys. Just before covid hit, this was in December, I was downtown. I was on West 12th street. And I was walking downtown and I was on West 12th. I’m walking this way and this guy is walking towards me. And he’s on his cellphone. And we’re both downtown. And as he walks pass me, I hear him go, “No, no, no, I can’t meet right now. I’m way up town.” And then he looked at me and he winked and he kept walking. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever seen in my life.

A lot of people were binge watching shows during quarantine. I watched the series that I absolutely loved. It was an hour long dramady called ‘The Daily Press Conferences of Governor Andrew Cuomo’. Yes. He’s great. It told the story of an Italian American father who after being an empty nester finds himself quarantining with his two daughters. High Jinks Ensue. But he learns a lot about being a father and a little it about being a governor. I loved those press conferences. He would walk out everyday a little too excited and he’d sit down and go, “Today is Tuesday.” A hint of pride that he remembered the day as if back stage, one of his gibronis was like, “There’s no way you’re remembering the day.” “You watch me.” He’d get out there and he’d start his rhythm. It would be like, “We are New York though. And we are New York though because we are New York strong. And we are New York strong because we are New York kind.” He was talking like Smurf language after a while. “New Yorkliness is very New York to New Yorkers.” What Cuomo did what was brilliant was that he tried to relate to us with his own problems. Like, sometimes, he’s be talking about a situation we were all going through. And it was clearly just some stuff going down in the Cuomo household at that moment. He’d be like, “I know. We’re all trying to figure this out. Let’s say your brother’s wife wants to take the kids to see grandma. You go, ‘They can’t see grandma. Grandma is vulnerable. She’s elderly.’ But she says, ‘Well, what if the kids come halfway in the house and she stays in the other side of the kitchen?’ I’m going, ‘It’s airborne, this thing. You can’t have grandma even in the kitchen.’ She says, ‘Well, it’s important for the kids to see their grandma.’ I go, ‘you gavone bitch, if you bring your kids even into the mud room of my mother’s house, I will break your neck and bury you in the rockaways.'”

I am worried that when the coronavirus is over, that Cuomo won’t realize that his show is over. Like, I’m scared he’ll take it on the road and try to play stadiums and come out and be like, “Hey, who wants to hear about my daughter’s boyfriend?” And everyone’s like, “Play covid!” And by the way, he’s not even the least weird– He’s our least weird politician in America. He’s on like, 45 of the weird ones. I’m supposed to make an announcement. On November 3rd, there is an elderly men contest. There’s two elderly men and you’e supposed to choose your favorite of the two elderly men. You can put it in the mail or you can go and write down which elderly man you like. And then we’ll add them all up. And then we might have the same elderly man or we might have a new elderly man. But just rest assured, no matter what happens, nothing much will change in the United States. The rich will continue to prosper while the poor languish. Families will be upended by mental illness and drug addiction. Jane Lynch will continue to book lots of projects. When she does, she will deliver. She is so good at being on TV. Very good. That will continue. But there will be problems. There will be sleepovers where five of the girls gang up on one of the girls and they bully the girl. And the girl they’re bullying, the girl having the sleepover didn’t even want to invite but her mom made her, and that’s really the root of the tension. They bully her until she’s crying and then she wants to go home. So the parents of the girl having the sleepover have to call the unpopular girl’s parents and say, “Can you come pick her up?” And then there’s that moment where the dad has to sit at like, the dining room table while they wait for the pick up and he’s in pajamas and the outcast is in her winter coat looking kind of stoic. They have nothing to talk about. So, he tries to apologize for the fact that his daughter is a bitch. He kind of implies that she gets it from the wife. All of that will still continue. It is America. But you should vote. You got to vote. Vote as many times as you can. Vote. Fill in every circle, every dot they have, fill them in. And if a page says, “This page was intentionally left blank”, you write whatever you want on that. That’s your space as an American.

Now, my Nana is going to vote and she’s 94 years old. [cheers and applause] Oh! Yes. Do you applaud for things that you don’t think are a good idea? Listen, this is my opinion. I don’t think it’s going to be that popular. Why don’t we shut the doors so no one hears it? I don’t think maybe she should vote. You know, you don’t get to vote when you’re 94 years old! You don’t get to order for the table when you’re about to leave the restaurant. I’m sorry, that joke is agist. That is wrong. It is wrong to say one age group is better than another. That would be like calling yourselves the greatest generation. “Oh, we fought the Nazis!” “Well, we’re trying to fight the new Nazis if you’d get out of the way and stop voting for people you saw in between coin collector commercial.”

Listen, but I love my grandma. I love my Nana. When you’re a kid, you just love your grandma just totally. And as you get older, you start to wonder about her relationship with her mother. You’re like, “Why does that old lady make mom so nervous? Something must have happened there.” But my nana is a great eccentric wonderful person. I’ll tell you a story. When she was 88 years old, she didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She was still driving at 88. That’s not even a point of the story. She didn’t like her driver’s license photo. She thought it was unflattering. And I take her side in this. I also thought it was unflattering mainly because it was a photo of an 88 year old woman. So, her plan was this. She was going to go to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and tell them that she lost her license. So, she went to the Marblehead, Massachusetts, DMV, and she said, “I lost my license and I need a new license and a new photo.” And the guy there said, “Do you have any proof of ID?” And she took out her license. And then as she told me, “We stared at each other for a moment. And then I said, ‘You’ve caught me in a lie’, and I took my license and left.”

I couple of summers ago, I was with my nana. It was a family reunion and I had to walk her to her car after like I had to. Not like when you walk a bridesmaid and there’s no stakes. I had to hold her up. So, I walked her to her car. She’s got like, a brown grey car. No brand. I think the government gave it to her. And we get to the car door and she opens it and she looks at me and she says, “You know, I used to be Carolyn Stanton. But now, everyone says I’m John Mulaney’s grandmother. Well, I want you to know that if I wasn’t your grandmother, I wouldn’t know who you are. Sorry.” And then she drove off.

We have a great show for you tonight. The Strokes are here, ladies and gentlemen. Stick around. We’re going to be right back.

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later]

[Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later]

[Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Peter Pan Live

Michael…Kyle Mooney

Windy… Kate McKinnon

Peter Pan… Cecily Strong

John… Beck Bennett

Talkerbell… Aidy Bryant

Captain Hook… James Franco

[Starts with Peter Pan intro]

Male voice: We now return to Peter Pan live, starring Allison Williams and Christopher Walken.

[Cut to two men and a women tied on a wood in a ship.]

Michael: Windy, what do we do? Captain Hook is gonna make us walk the plank.

Windy: Don’t worry Michael. I’m sure Peter Pan will come to save us.

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: [cuckooing] Did somebody say my name?

[Cut to everybody.]

Michael, Windy and John: Peter Pan!

[Cut to Peter Pan]

Peter Pan: Yes, it is I. The boy who will never grow up. And yes, you heard me, I’m a boy. The most gorgeous womanly boy with shiny bright eyes and feminine features. A boy!

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: And look, it’s Tinkerbell.

[Cut to Peter Pan looking at the light]

Peter Pan: Well, Tinkerbell is out of town. But I found a replacement fairy.

[Cut to the fairy]

Talkerbell: Wad up, players? Yes, that’s right. It’s me Talkerbell. I am back and that’s what’s up.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Michael: Ew, Peter, what is that?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, please, fancy business baby. Okay, you know me. I’m Tinkerbell’s half sister. I’m half fly, half fairy, which means fairy dust-dust shake off my ass. But I also enjoy landing on raw meat and going like this.

[Talkerbell rubs her hands like a housefly.]

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Talkabell, focus. We need to free Windy, Michael and John.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Yes, free us Talkabell.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Oh, well, do not bust my ass around, okay? Peter, I do not work for you, okay? I work for myself and a reverse tooth fairy. That’s why I fly into kid’s bedrooms, I take a dollar and I leave one of my own teeth. And I got a lot of teeth, so business is very cool.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: Wow, that story makes me want do dance with my shapely boy legs.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

Windy: Oh, no, Peter. Look, here comes Captain Hook.

[Cut to Captain Hook . He is with his crew.]

Captain Hook: Well, hello there. It’s me, Captain Hook. The most terrifying pirate in all of– never land. Boo.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, this is Captain Hook? That’s a damn!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Wow. You’re not spooked by me?

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, that’s a no, Hook. Coz with that make up, you look like a gay, sire.

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Well, maybe this scary song will change your mind.

[Captain Hook and the crew walk forward]

Hit it boys.

[Music playing. The crew start singing and dancing while Captain Hook stands still.]

Crew: Are you a scary pirate?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: With a tiny pink umbrella?

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: And when we do all the singing

Captain Hook: Yes!

Crew: While you’re just kind of talking.

Captain Hook: Yes!

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Um, Captain Hook, even though you only got one hand, you should still be able to carry a tone. And you just got Talked!

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Watch your tongue, Tongkerbell, or you’ll walk the plank with the children.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: [laughing] Okay, Hook, are you even hearing yourself now? Your life goal is to throw a bunch of toddlers into the ocean. You’re freaking. I like it.

[Cut to Peter Pan and Talkerbell]

Peter Pan: And you know what I like? Being a boy! And staring at HBO’s girls.

[music playing.]

[singing] I’m not aware of too many things

I know what I know, if you know what I mean

[Cut to Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Enough singing! Peter Pan, I’ve come to fight you to the death.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, finally the main event. I better get my popcorn.

[Talkerbell gets a popcorn. The popcorn is bigger than her.]

[Cut to everybody. Peter Pan and Captain Hook are going to fight.]

Peter Pan: You’re a worthy foe, Captain Hook. Get ready for the fight of your life!

[They start sword-fighting. Peter Pan hits Captain Hook]

Captain Hook: Ah! Oh, I’m defeated.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, that was a fight scene? Oh! No, no, no, no! You wanna see a real fight, you bring me a humming bird and I will kill that dude.

[Cut to Michael, Windy and John]

John: Talkabell, you’re weird.

[Cut to Talkerbell]

Talkerbell: Okay, if I’m weird then why are all the boys after my ass? That’s right, I got a boyfriend, and yeah, he is the bat from that movie “Ferngully”. And yeah, he funny.

[The bat walks in]

Bat: You ready to go, Talkie baby?

Talkerbell: Oh, you know it. Okay, kids, I do gotta run because it’s almost the night time and that is when he truly comes alive. He see stupid good into dork. He got that sonar, you know, like, beep, beep, bee-bee-bee-bee-bee-bee. And that’s what’s up. Peter Pan, live, y’all!

[The End]

Magic Bridge

Aidy Bryant

John… Kyle Mooney

Troll… James Franco

Cathyann… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a clip of forest.]

Aidy: I think we’re lost.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Sorry, I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: Well, there’s a light over there on the other side of this bridge. So, let’s just head to that.

John: I said I’m not Johnny Scout.

Aidy: I know, I’m not mad at you./

John: I’m not that guy!

Aidy: Okay, let’s just cross the bridge.

John: Exactly what I was saying.

[As Aidy and John are crossing the bridge. The smoke appears and the voice is speaking.]

Voice: Step left, step left, step right, step right

[Troll appears]

who dares to cross this troll bridge tonight?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god! It’s a troll.

John: Look man, what are you gonna do to us?

[Cut to Troll]

Troll: Well, I’ll let you pass of course, if you pass my test. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Let me handle this. I bet he wants us to answer a riddle.

[Cut to everybody. Cathyann comes out from under the bridge.]

Cathyann: Oh, no. That’s not true. That’s not true. That’s something he used to do.

Troll: Cathyann, I’m pretty sure you promised to stay under the bridge. Let me do my thing.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Oh, my god. Oh, my god. It’s another troll.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Are you for real? That’s just the rudest thing you could say. No, I’m not a troll. I’m a woman like you, or me, or Michelle Robama.

Troll: [whispering] Cathyann, you are my BFF. But you can just stay in your lane. [talking in manly voice] Sorry, folks. Back to me. Rawr!

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: If she’s not a troll, why is she here?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: It’s complicated. But, Cathyann had an issue with her landlord. It got messy. And I said, “Why are you even dealing with that stuff, Cathyann?”

Cathyann: Yeah! My landlord lied on me because she is a C-U-N-Thursday! But this troll saved my life. At lease my sanity.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Mr. Troll and Cathyann, can we just please just solve the riddle so we can cross?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Not so fast! Riddles are fun but something’s a miss, to cross my bridge I require a kiss. [laughing]

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: A what?

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: No, guys, he used to do riddles. But with the internet, you just Google the answer. So, it’s no fun.

Troll: I love riddles. Stupid Google. Anyway…

Cathyann: Yeah! So, now, you have to give him a kiss. And I’m not talking about the friend zone kiss. I’m talking like romantic boyfriend girlfriend type of stuff, okay? So, who is first?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

Aidy: Wait, so we have to kiss you to cross the bridge?

John: I’ll kiss you, but you’re not kissing her. She’s my fiance.

Aidy: Why don’t you kiss your friend Cathyann if you wanna kiss somebody so bad.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Troll: Oh! No, no, no, no. That duck don’t quack that way! She and I are like brother and sister.

Cathyann: Oh, yeah, coz I can’t even see my real brother no more coz they tried to get the money second [unintelligible], and I told the judge he only had two of red wine and that was it. The judge care nothing on me until the real C-U-N-Tuesday. Oh, but Bill Cosby can walk free, yeah right! Don’t you see problem in that? Hello!

Troll: Okay, okay. Cathyann, you’re getting yourself wormed up. I know, yeah, she starting to [unintelligible], so not worth it.

Cathyann: Okay, do it right coz it’s not about me. That’s about one of you need to kiss my troll.

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Hey, I told you, you can have me but not my fiance.

Aidy: John, stop telling everyone I’m your fiance until I say a definite yes.

[Cut to Troll and Cathyann]

Cathyann: Ooh! Racky romance. I can definitely relate to that guy coz my boyfriend and I are long distant. He trying to be a rapper but he lives in San Diego until I can get out there and live with him. Oh man, I’m gonna get me a tan.

Troll: No! No! Cathyann, don’t talk about leaving. That makes me so sad.

Cathyann: Well, enjoy me while you can. Am I right, you guys?

[Cut to Aidy and John]

John: Right, right. Let’s just do the stupid kiss.

[Cut to everybody. John and Troll walk on the bridge.]

Troll: The pact is made, the magic begun, just one kiss and we are done.

John: I can’t believe I’m doing this.

[John and Cathyann kiss]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Wow! Go John! Go John! Look at him go. You earned that bridge, John.

[Cut to Aidy, John and Troll. John and Troll are still kissing.]

Aidy: John, enough. Enough! And yes, I will marry you my brave boy.

[Cut to John and Troll. John looks at Aidy, turns around and then start kissing Troll again.]

[Cut to Cathyann]

Cathyann: Troll, you must be happy now, huh? It’s supposed to be, but I’ll do it, they just walk a different way.

[Cut to John and Troll]

Troll: Well, task is completed. You are having fun. You two are GTG, good to go.

[Cut to everybody. Aidy and John cross the bridge.]

Cathyann: See you later, guys.

[Aidy and John leave]

Troll: Oh! I’m gonna miss that woman I just kissed.

Cathyann: What? You gotta get your eyes checked. That was not no woman. That were a man and a woman and you kissed a man one.

Troll: Oh! It’s official, huh? I’m bisexual.

Cathyann: Oh, come on! Let’s go under that bridge and laugh.

First Thanksgiving

Pocahontas… Melissa Villaseñor

Dad… Fred Armisen

John… Beck Bennett

Mom… Maya Rudolph

Grandpa… Will Farrell

[Starts with a video clip of old hut type of house.]

Pocahontas: Wow, this food is amazing, mom.

Dad: Yeah, it sure is.

[Cut to five people having a meal together. Four of them are native Americans and one is white.]

John: Yes, Mrs. Honta’s, the corn is very delicious.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Well, I’m glad you like it, John. But, again, our last name isn’t Hontas.

Dad: We don’t have last names, John.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Right. Sorry, I guess I messed up again.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I guess you did.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: It’s okay, John. You’re doing fine.

John: I’m so nervous. I really want your family to like me.

Pocahontas: They do like you. Would you excuse me for a sec? I just have to use their restroom.

[Cut to everybody]

[John leaves]

Pocahontas: Okay.

Mom: John seems nice.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: He is, mom. And thanks for welcoming him to thanksgiving dinner, even though he’s—

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: A paleface?

Pocahontas: Grandpa, [Cut to Pocahontas] that’s not nice. You’re being prejudiced.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m not prejudiced. I just see that the palefaces are taking over. They are everywhere now.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Maybe cool it with the paleface talk, dad.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Why? We can’t say that now? So, what are they called?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: I think it’s just “White people.”

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: White people? But they’re not white. They’re pale.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Guys, stop it. He’s going to hear you.

[John walks in]

John: Phew! I guess my stomach was a little upset. I feel a lot better now.

[Cut to Dad, Mom and Grandpa]

Grandpa: Look. He didn’t even wash. His hands are bone dry.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: So, John, Pocahontas tells us you’re turning 30 soon.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yeah, couple weeks.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: You do know she’s 12, right?

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: I do, I do.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Well, I see.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I have an idea. Why don’t we all go around the table and share something that we’re thankful for.

[Cut to everybody]

Mom: Oh, I love that idea. Well, I think—

Grandpa: I’ll start. I’m thankful for our land and our great and mighty chief. Let’s hope he finally builds that wall.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Both: Grandpa.

Grandpa: What? [Cut to Grandpa] We need a wall. I heard those illegal settlers are coming over here with their diseases and guns. And we need to protect our borders.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: That is just so rude and offensive, grandpa.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Where did you even hear a thing like that?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Fox.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Grandpa, you’ve got to stop talking to that crazy old fox.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: He knows what’s up. He makes a lot more sense than that lying peacock you talk to.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: You know what? It’s okay. Everybody is entitled to their own opinion.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Exactly.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Can we just have a nice thanksgiving dinner without bringing up politics?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Fine by me.

Dad: Yes.

Pocahontas: Please.

John: You know what? I think I have to excuse myself again.

Pocahontas: Sure. Okay, babe. Grandpa, you’re being a bigot.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Is John okay? That’s the second time he’s excused himself.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Maybe because grandpa keeps freaking him out.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Or maybe because he’s stealing from us.

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: What? John doesn’t steal.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: I’m just saying, since those illegal showed up a lot of things have gone missing lately. Buffaloes, land.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Grandpa, the pale—excuse me, white people, have made some good contributions to our land.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Right. Like those ugly blankets that are getting everybody sick.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Who told you the blankets are getting people sick?

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: The fox. He knows what’s up. He also said these illegals—

[Cut to Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop calling them illegals. They’re just regular, hardworking people seeking refuge.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Since when is it our job to take care of this world’s problems?

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Okay dad, that’s enough.

[John walks in]

John: Hey, guys, I should maybe get going.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Bone dry again.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Stop it.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: John, please stay.

Dad: Yeah! I’m sorry a bout my father. He’s just a little old-fashioned.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Oh, it’s not that. I just think my stomach is having a hard time digesting this food. I saw some whole corn kernels is my stool and I specifically remember chewing them all.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Dad: Yeah, that happens to me, too.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: Me, too.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

Pocahontas: Yeah, it’s something about the skin on the corn, I think it doesn’t break down.

John: Oh.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: That doesn’t make sense because it’s only some of them in my stool.

[Cut to Mom and Dad]

Mom: Right. Like three or four.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes, I saw exactly four just now in my stool.

[Cut to Grandpa]

Grandpa: And I saw three yesterday. Wow. John, I guess we have a few things in common after all.

[Cut to John and Pocahontas]

John: Yes. I guess so. Friends?

[Cut to everybody]

Grandpa: Friends. [John puts his hand forward to shake with grandpa] I’m not touching your hand. You just crapped twice and your hands are bone dry.

John: Oh. Sorry.

Everybody: Grandpa!

[Grandpa stands talking to the viewers]

Grandpa: Hi, folks. I’m Will Ferrell. If you’re anything like me, you know there’s a lot of problems in this crazy, crazy sketch. I mean, white actors playing natives? What is this—2014? But no matter what year it is or what color we are or whether we get our news from a Fox or a peacock, one things for sure—none of us can digest corn. And that’s what’s important. Happy thanksgiving.

[Cheers and applause]