Tag: John Mulaney

Monkey Trial

Kenan Thompson

Melissa Villaseñor

Judge Tango… John Mulaney

Cecily Strong

[Starts with Kenan and Melissa at the court]

Melissa: Thanks again for taking my case.

Kenan: How could I not? Your neighbor keeps a wild monkey as a pet in a residential neighborhood? You go over to say hi and get mauled. It’s not right.

Melissa: Do you think we’ll get a settlement?

Kenan: Absolutely. Unless we wind up with the wrong judge.

Police: Oh, yay. Oh, yay. All right, the Honorable Judge Tango presiding.

[Judge Tango walks in like a monkey]

Kenan: Yeah. That’s a tough break. We got the monkey judge.

Melissa: A monkey judge?

Kenan: Yeah, he was appointed last year by that governor who loved pranks and struggling with addiction.

Judge Tango: Please be seated. No one look me in the eye. Do not make any noises that I do not know. I do not feel cornered. So, we can begin. I have decided to allow cameras in this courtroom. However, if I see my image in the monitor, I will think it is a rival monkey. And I will completely lose it. Also let the record show that I’m fairly close to completely losing it. The court recognizes the shape in the blue with the gray. Proceed.

Kenan: Thank you, your honor. My client went to say hello to the defendant and his pet monkey Gumbo.

Judge Tango: No Gumbo.

Kenan: What?

Judge Tango: [pointing at himself] Tango.

Kenan: Yeah, I know. I’m talking about a different monkey.

Judge Tango: Yeah, no Gumbo. Tango.

Kenan: Should I keep going?

Judge Tango: Yeah, but I’m going to throw a little sand to show dominance.

Kenan: Alright, okay, so my client was at the defendant’s house when out of nowhere, his pet monkey grabbed her hat and–

Judge Tango: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Was this the same hat you normally wear? Or was it in any way different?

Melissa: Well, normally, I wear an orange bucket hat. And this time I had on a green baseball cap.

Judge Tango: Let me get this straight. You walked up to this monkey as a different shape. And you expected what? For him to just be cool with that? For you to not feel his insane breath on your face as he broke all the bones in your body with the strength of 30 men?

Kenan: Well, he is in a hanging mood today.

Melissa: Are you sure? He’s smiling?

Kenan: No, he’s baring his teeth.

Melissa: It’s hopeless, who can reason with a judge like this?

Cecily: [wearing protective gears] May the defense approach the bench in a slow deliberate way holding a birthday cake?

Judge Tango: The court recognizes the shape he normally associate with treats.

Cecily: As I approach, your honor, I’d like to notify the court that I am wearing perfume but I am not fruit.

Judge Tango: The court appreciates the clarification. I will take the cake and I will place it on my pile of shredded newspaper. And also I’ll take that shiny thing. [takes the police badge from the police] Let the record show that this shiny thing was his and now it is mine. And so it goes into the newspaper with the cake. And now I have one many things. I know visually what I have.

Cecily: You are the Alpha?

Judge Tango: Yes.

Kenan: Objection. Your Honor. It is obvious that you’re favoring the defense.

Judge Tango: That is ridiculous.

Cecily: Your Honor. I love judge.

Judge Tango: I love you.

Cecily: I love judge.

Judge Tango: You our baby. Judge love baby. Bring judge baby. Judge love you. Judge favored defense.

Melissa: Oh, come on!

Kenan: Yeah, we moved to request a new judge.

Judge Tango: Are you suggesting that I’m not competent? Tango made these pieces match. [showing kids’ stickers] Sure, it was a bit of trial and error, but I did it. I won the juice. I’m getting tired and I feel slightly cornered and this is all getting so, so dangerous. So, I’m just going to dismiss the entire–

Kenan: Wait! Wait! I’d like to call a surprise witness.

Judge Tango: Unless that surprise witness is a ratty old stuffed animal for me to violate, I assure you the court is not interested in being startled.

Kenan: Well, I got some good news for you judge. [pulls out a stuffed animal from behind]

Judge Tango: [happy and jumping] That side wins! That side wins!

Male voice: Next time on Monkey Judge, a public urinator mark the wrong territory and get the maximum penalty. His penis ripped off his body. Monkey Judge.

FiveTimers Club

Paul Rudd

Steve Martin

Candice Bergen

John Mulaney

Tina Fey

Elliott Gould

Conan O’Brian

[Starts with Paul Rudd, Steve Martin and Candice Bergen in a room wearing their five timers’ jackets]

Steve Martin: Alright. Alright, everybody. Alright, Candice and Paul, how do we think this shows going so far and don’t be afraid to be brutal?

Paul Rudd: Well, not to be a total bitch. My five timer show in December was going to be a lot better. That is until the whole cast decided to call out sick.

Candice Bergen: They all had COVID.

Steve Martin: So, what? I have COVID right now. I got it from the Queen. Humble brag.

[John Mulaney walks in]

John Mulaney: Hi, I think I’m supposed to be in here.

Steve Martin: Oh, Megan Mullaly.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five timers.

John Mulaney: Thank you, Candace. Wow, this place is amazing.

Candice Bergen: Well, congratulations, John. And let me be the first person to say. Who are you?

John Mulaney: Well, Candace, you wouldn’t know me but if you have a niece or a son who’s bad at sports, they might.

Paul Rudd: Oh, come on, he’s John Mulaney. Congrats, man. Tonight, it’s all about you. And me to a degree as well because my party was cancelled due to laziness.

John Mulaney: Wow. Well, I’m just happy that you’re here in my episode. And Paul Rudd exits.

Paul Rudd: That’s it?

[John Mulaney walks out]

John Mulaney: Just reading. Sorry buddy. And Tina Fey enters.

[Tina Fey enters]

Tina Fey: I love how us writers control. Everything was staged direction. And Tina is handed a drink by a new cast member whose name is, I want to say, Philip.

[James walks in with a drink and hands it over to Tina Fey]

James: It’s James, Miss Fey.

Tina Fey: That’s what I said, Philip.

John Mulaney: What kind of drink is that?

Tina Fey: It’s the five timer fizz. It’s made with Justin Timberlake’s tequila, Dan Akroyd’s vodka and Tracy Morgan’s club soda, which is aquarium water.

John Mulaney: Gross. Dan Akroyd’s vodka? Listen. I have to say I had no idea people got treated this well. You know, when I worked here, I was just a writer.

Tina Fey: Well, you were one of the best. You wrote that character with Bill Hader and 800 other things that aged terribly.

John Mulaney: Thank you.

Steve Martin: Well, that’s all behind you. Tonight, you’re in the company of comedy legends and the sexiest man alive.

[Paul Rudd is reading a People’s magazine with his face on the cover page]

Paul Rudd: This silly thing.

Steve Martin: Paul, that was so Steve Martin0Steve MartinPaul Rudd. I’m talking about Mr. Elliott Gould.

[Elliott Gould is sitting there on a sofa]

Elliott Gould: Oh, hello

John Mulaney: Oh my god, Elliot.

Elliott Gould: Well, Paul may have People magazine, but I was named sexiest man alive by chest hair magazine.

John Mulaney: Hey Elliot, do you remember being on my sitcom?

Elliott Gould: Should I?

Candice Bergen: But John, we have some business to discuss. The club here has gotten so big that in order for you to get in, someone has to retire.

Steve Martin: Too bad. No one here is at retirement age.

John Mulaney: You are 76.

Steve Martin: But I have the child of a Candice Bergen8 year old. And we can’t get rid of Tina. She was the first woman to ever wear glasses on TV.

Tina Fey: That’s true. Entertainment Weekly called it disgusting. And it can’t be Candice, she was back here in the 70s. Can you imagine the sexual harassment that happened back then?

Candice Bergen: Oh, yeah, I mean those guys do really weird stuff.

Elliott Gould: I was fine with it.

John Mulaney: So, are you saying there’s no room for me?

Candice Bergen: Well, this was supposed to be a very small club with just the highest quality of stars. Does that make sense?

John Mulaney: Yeah. Yeah. So what you’re saying is–

Steve Martin: I think what we’re all trying to say is, this has become not special.

[Conan O’Brian walks in]

Conan O’Brian: Did somebody say not special?

John Mulaney: Conan, what are you doing here?

Conan O’Brian: I’m just here to sign up for Peacock. It’s weird. They make you do it in person. Look, John, don’t listen to them. This is very, very special. I was in the very first five timers club special, club back specs thing. While I was a writer here.

Tina Fey: Okay, well, a lot of us were writers here.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. But you were on the show when you were writer. [yelling] So, shut up. John and I were never supposed to be on TV. We’re hideous. Right? Say it, John.

John Mulaney: I guess.

Conan O’Brian: We are. And we’re here and we’re taking what’s ours. And when it’s taken by their horns, it’s ours. The point is you start here and you can do great things. I hosted my own TV show for decades.

John Mulaney: And what are you doing now?

Conan O’Brian: I have a podcast.

Steve Martin: Well, I never thought I’d say this but Conan has a point. Being in this club is pretty damn special.

Paul Rudd: Yeah, yeah, come on. Let’s give him his jacket.

Elliott Gould: All right, Paul. Give him your jacket.

Paul Rudd: Oh, man, you know, it was fun while it lasted.

[Paul Rudd gives John Mulaney his jacket]

John Mulaney: Guys, everyone. Thank you. This really does just mean the world to me.

Conan O’Brian: Yeah. And one more thing. Live from New York–

John Mulaney: No, Conan. We did that already.

Conan O’Brian: I’m doing it anyway. Live from New York. It’s Saturday night.

Family Band

Heidi Gardner

Patrick… Mikey day

Andrew Dismukes

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

[Starts with Heidi and Mikey outside a house door]

Heidi: Babe, I’m so excited for you to meet my brothers. You remind me so much of them.

Mikey: I’m a little nervous.

Heidi: No Don’t be. They’re gonna love you. You guys are like identical.

Mikey: Well, if they’re Niners fans like you said, I think we’ll get along just fine.

[Heidi’s brothers open the door. They’re all wearing suits and are ready to play music]

Andrew: Well, well, well.

Kyle: Look what the little mamacita dragged in.

John: Say, Raggedy Ann, who’s the beanpole?

Heidi: Oh, my God! I knew you guys would razz me. This is Patrick. Patrick, these are my brothers.

Mikey: Uh, nice to meet you guys.

Kyle: You can call me Sweet Vermouth. And these stray mutts are the Speakeasy Bandits. Bienvenidos!

Mikey: Okay.

[They walk in]

John:

Come on, come on. Grab a seat. Barrel or barber chair? Dealer’s choice.

Mikey: All right. [to Heidi] These guys remind you of me? Are they, like, in a band or…?

Heidi: Yeah, my brothers have a band, yes.

Andrew: And, uh, we sure could use our standup bassist back.

Heidi: Oh, come on. You guys know I had to give that up because of my job. Unless, of course, you guys are making money from this now. Are you guys making money?

Andrew: Nope. A three, four. . .

[They start playing]

Kyle: [singing] Walking down the alley,
About a quarter past ten

John: Tell ’em, Sweet Vermouth.

Kyle: Got a dime on my side
and a big old bottle of gin

Heidi: Oh, my God, it’s “Gin Alley”!

All: Gin Alley, Whoa, daddio, Gin Alley
Whoa, daddio

Andrew: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

Kyle: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yes! Yeah, you guys sound so great! Have you been smoking more cigarettes?

Kyle: Bull’s eye, pussycat.

John: With a side of Cubanos.

Mikey: So, again, what’s the similarity you’re seeing between us?

Heidi: Wait. Are you jealous of how masculine they are? Oh, my God, this always happens to me.

Mikey: No, I’m not.  They’re all wearing giant, oversized suits. I don’t even know what style that is.

Kyle: Slow your roll, Rover. Not much of a music guy, I take it? We’re a swing revival revival band.

Mikey: Swing revival revival?

Andrew: That’s right, Rover.

Heidi: Yeah, babe, remember in the 90s when everyone was into swing?

Andrew: Yeah, Rover. We’re trying to bring that back.

John: Like, make a little picture of this. The year is 1999. Slim Shady just told the world what his name is. Carson Daly is the new Walter Cronkite. And thanks to the Cherry Poppin’ Daddies, Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, and one Gap commercial, swing is king.

Kyle: Ay, yi, yi, yi, yiii, three, four!

[starts playing]

Andrew: Well, the devil was walkin’
He checked into a motel

Heidi: Oh, my God! It’s “Devil Daddy”!

Andrew: He got the roadster rolling
Gonna take that straight to hell

Heidi: Babe, let’s dance.

Mikey: Okay.

All: Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio, Devil Daddy
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: Don’t kiss me to your brothers’ music, baby!

John: And a big old bottle of gin

Andrew: All right.

Heidi: Whoo! Yeah!I love you, my brothers.

Kyle: Oh, hey, you are too kind, pussycat!

Mikey: Can you please stop calling your sister “pussycat”?! Babe, you said we had so much in common and that they were Niners fans.

Heidi: Yeah, 1999’ers.

Mikey: There is no way you thought that’s what I meant.

Heidi: Well, you’re always saying how you’re such a 90’s kid.

Mikey: Yeah, I meant, like, “Rugrats” and stuff. I do not associate this with the 90’s.

Heidi: Okay. Well, I’m starting to feel like our relationship is a lie.

Mikey: What are you talking about?

John: [walks to Heidi] Did he hit you?

Mikey: Oh, my God.

Heidi: No, no, it’s not that. It’s just…  we’re too different. You come from a 90’s where everyone wore neon and watched “Friends,” and I come from a 90’s where my brothers are the coolest, hottest guys I know. And that’s who I am. This is who I am. Three, four!

[they start playing music]

When the jukebox plays
And the boogie begins

Kyle: Oh, spice it up, pussycat!

Heidi: We gotta boogieoogieoogie, a
nd a big old bottle of gin

All: Boogieoogieoogie
Whoa, daddio, boogieoogie
Whoa, daddio

Mikey: And a big ol’ bottle of gin

John: Nice pipes, toothpick.

Mikey: Yeah, I, used to be in a ska band.

Andrew: Boo!

Kyle: That sucks!

Heidi: Don’t tell people that.

John: Do you hit her?

Mikey: Dude, no, I don’t.

Cupid Shuffle

Daniel… John Mulaney

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

DJ… Kenan Thompson

Tanitra… Punkie Johnson

[Daniel and Lisa walk in the door to Robinson family reunion]

Daniel: Oh gosh, should we have brought food? I don’t know how these things work.

Lisa: Oh, honey, it’s your first reunion. It’s fine. My family loves you.

Daniel: Really? They love that you’re married to the guy who was LL Bean’s customer of the year?

Lisa: Yes! Yes Just be yourself.

DJ: Alright, alright, alright. Hello everybody. I just want to welcome y’all to the Robinson family reunion. Yes, indeed. We’re gonna have a good time. We’re gonna have a good time. I want everybody to get on out here. Now, it’s time for the cupid shuffle y’all.

[Everyon’es wearing same blue t-shirts while Daniel and Lisa aren’t]

Lisa: Wow. Everyone’s wearing T shirts. Did you know about this?

[when Lisa looks at Daniel, he has already worn the t-shirt.]

Daniel: Yeah. They didn’t send you one in the mail?

DJ: Common, y’all.

[singing] It don’t matter if you’re young or old
We’re gonna show you how it goes
to the right, to the right, to the right, to the right

to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
now, walk it by yourself, yeah, walk it by yourself

Daniel: How many members of your family are here. I feel like they’re all staring at me.

Lisa: Oh my god. They’re not. I promise.

DJ:To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk, Jordan dunk
Now push it like LeBron, yeah, push it like LeBron

Lisa: Okay, you know, I’m not really sure I know this version of the cupid shuffle.

Daniel: Oh, this here, this is the Atlanta two piece and a biscuit remix.

DJ: Something stink, something stink, something stink, something stink
fold your tuppleware, yeah, fold your tuppleware

Lisa: You know, it’s crazy to think I used to take baths with all these people.

Tanitra: Oh, Daniel, you’re here!

Daniel: Oh, Tanitra. Hey, yeah, this is my wife Lisa.

Tanitra: Oh, hey Lisa. I think we cousins girl, but me and Daniel, we old friends.

Daniel: That’s right. We used to play all day as kids. We just had to be home when the street lights came on. That it. How’s that hotel you’re staying in.

Tanitra: It’s pretty nice, but they didn’t give us no washcloth.

Daniel: What? Who showers without a washcloth?

Tanitra: I know. They super nasty. Alright, Daniel. We still going to Essence Fest this year, right?

Daniel: Oh yeah, I reserved a seat for a live taping of Ayala fix my life.

Tanitra: Alright, then. I’mma holla at ya’ll, alright? I got to make sure they don’t stay close.

Daniel: Yeah, you can’t let that good air out now.

Lisa: Wait. You’re going to Essence Fest?

Daniel: Yeah, I got you a ticket too.

DJ: Call the cops, call the cops, call the cops, call the cops
Yeah, it’s gonna be a while, yeah, it’s gonna be a while,
Playing spades, playing spades, playing spades, playing spades
Yeah, how many books you got, yeah, how many books you got

Lisa: Wait, you brought cards?

Daniel: Yeah. Lisa, common. It’s a family reunion.

Uncle Bonk: Oh, there he is. I heard you was here, Daniel.

Daniel: Oh-oh! Now it’s a party.

Lisa: Wait, you know my uncle Bonk?

Daniel: Well, sure. But I know him as Mr. Robinson. How’s your knee doing sir?

Uncle Bonk: All better. I put a little robitussin on it

Daniel: Works every time. It’s good to see you here. I wasn’t sure if that COVID would keep you away.

Uncle Bonk: Well, I got vaccinated but don’t tell nobody.

Daniel: Yeah, I hear you. I got vaxed too, but it would break my mamma’s heart if she knew I took her government needles.

Uncle Bonk: I hear that. Oh-oh! I gotta go, Daniel. They got me watching my little nephew, always acting up.

Daniel: That child’s promise he’s got no home training.

Uncle Bonk: Yeah. And he needs to stay out of grown folks’ business before he get whipped!

Lisa: See Daniel? I told you everybody loves you.

Daniel: Oh! I only know like Lisa0 or 30 people here, top.

DJ: To the right, to the right, to the right, to the right
to the left, to the left, to the left, to the left
gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight, gonna fight
now, rub some vasseline, yeah, rub some vasseline

Alright, great job, everybody. And now, it is time for the Soul Train line.

Daniel: Oh my god. No, no, no. I didn’t know this was happening.

Lisa: Listen honey, you do not have to do it.

Daniel: No. I wouldn’t. I don’t think that’d be appropriate unless–

[Daniel immediately starts dancing]

DJ: Now, walk it by yourself, now walk it by yourself

COVID Dinner Discussion

Kate McKinnon

John Mulaney

David… Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Bowen Yang

Gina… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with three couple having dinner]

Kate: I’m so glad we’re doing this. My favorite restaurant with my favorite people.

John: Honey, I agree, 100%

David: You know what? This is so fun. Dinner is on us.

Bowen: Oh, wow. But um, Keith, you know you can take your mask off the table.

David: Oh, I’m sorry. I don’t know I’m wearing it half the time.

Kate: I heard the CDC is gonna lift all mask mandates soon.

Aidy: Oh, yeah. I know.

John: It’s so weird. It’s like COVID is not over, but it’s just gonna stop. I don’t know how I feel about that.

Gina: Oh, you know, that reminds me of this article I wrote–

Bowen: Honey, no one wants to hear about that.

Gina: What? It was in Bloomberg. And I thought it was interesting.

Kate: What? What article?

Gina: Well, it was–

Bowen: Honey!

Gina: It was just saying how mask mandates had, I don’t know, little to no effect on COVID.

[drum roll] [Everyone is nervous now]

I am sorry.. It’s not like I’m anti mask or anything. I just sometimes wonder if any of the things we did actually helped.

Bowen: Gina.

David: No, no. We can talk about this incredibly complicated and emotional topic.

Kate: Yes, yes. Of course. I will start because for instance, while I am so personally relieved that I’m vaccinated–

John: Careful…

Kate: I sometimes wonder if other people who are hesitant–

Aidy: Careful…

Kate: Might not have like a valid not valid–

David: What…?

Kate: Not valid, but understandable–

Bowen: Not tonight…

Kate: Help me.

John: I think what she means is maybe sometimes we are a little overzealous when we condemn–

Aidy: Oh no…

John: I just think that if people are actually losing their jobs–

Aidy: Oh no…

David: Careful, girl.

John: Look, vaccines save lives. Fact. Okay, they stopped the hospitals from being overrun. Fact.

Gina: Where are you up to?

John: But did I have to dump my oldest friend just because he didn’t get–

Kate: No… no… no…

John: A booster?

[drum roll] [David’s tie rolls up. Bowen is checking his blood pressure. Aidy hides her face inside her bag. John pulls out his teeth. Kate shuts her face. Gina snaps the Thanos gauntlet and disappears.]

Bowen: Guys, guys, this is supposed to be fun. Isn’t there’s something happy we can talk about?

Kate: No, no, we started this. We need to finish it. David go make sense of this please.

David: Oh, okay. Well I think the biggest mistake the administration made was not providing more testing.

John: But the UK had done tons of testing and had even more COVID.

Kate: Well, at least Biden finally sent out all those tests over Christmas.

Gina: You mean the two tests for a family of eight that froze in the mail?

Aidy: Okay, well, at least we have the CDC. I mean, they haven’t always been perfect, but the science changed.

David: How does science change? When I make a mistake at work, I don’t get to say the science changed.

Bowen: At least we had outdoor dining.

John: Oh, you mean when they built a smaller restaurant in the street? How was that outdoor?

Kate: Look, I went to a child’s birthday party, self careful. And they did gymnastics in masks, don’t, and then they went into another room and took off their masks to eat pizza. This is the end of me. So did they really need the mask? Oh, no! Did any of us ever need the mask?

All: Noooo!

[scary music] [scary clips playing]

Kate: My god. My god. I’m so glad I said that out loud. Of course we needed the mask. We need it. We may not know for years the full extent of what we’ve been through but we did our best and we’re gonna get through this.

David: Amen.

John: When an anti Vaxxer gets it, I feel happy.

David: No, you don’t. No, you don’t.

Kate: Well, we don’t have to wash our hands anymore. Do we?

John: Ha-ha-ha. I never did.

Blue River

Rebecca… Cecily Strong

Jenny… Heidi Gardner

Daniel… John Mulaney

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with Rebecca and Jenny bumping into each other at a grocery store at pet section]

Rebecca: Oh! Sorry. Jenny!

Jenny: Oh, Rebecca! Hi. Looks like we’re both buying dog food today.

Rebecca: Well, not really. I’m buying Blue River dog food, which is real food, which my Gunther really appreciates. Right, buddy? I mean, have you ever looked at the ingredients on that big name dog food you’re buying?

Jenny: They seem fine to me.

Rebecca: Really? Okay. Well, then, why don’t you read them out loud? In front of your dog?

Jenny: Okay. Corn, chicken, corn gluten meal.

Rebecca: Sorry, what is that? [mocking] Corn gluten meal?

Jenny: No. I think you heard me. How much do you pay for Blue River? Like, $80?

Rebecca: It’s not $80. It’s $73.99. It’s actually only 32 cents more a day than what you pay monthly?

Jenny: No, it’s not.

Rebecca: Actually it is. If you take the difference in the prices between the two bags and divide that by 28, 28 days in a month, right? Seven days in a week. Correct?

Jenny: Correct. Correct.

Rebecca: Yeah, right.

Jenny: I should be going okay.

[Jenny tries to leave, but Rebecca keeps her holding]

Rebecca: 28. 28 days, four weeks is a month, right? So divided by 28, which we both agreed this month, it comes out to 32 cents a day monthly. I guess I wouldn’t be like bragging about all the savings because it’s actually not as much as you think.

Jenny: No! That math doesn’t make sense.

Rebecca: Oh, you don’t think so? Why don’t we ask my husband? Daniel!

Jenny: Oh my god! I don’t care.

[Daniel walks in. He looks at Jenny’s dog food and looks disappointed]

Daniel: Oh my god. You’re not planning on feeding that to your fur baby, are you?

Jenny: She likes it, okay? And I’m saving money.

Daniel: 32 cents a day monthly? That’s worth it to you? For your dog not to be able to walk?

[Jenny’s dog is a pug. She has kept her dog on her grocery stroller cart.] [sad music playing]

Rebecca: [being emotional] Oh my god. That’s why the dog’s been in the stupid cart. It can’t walk because of the food. The dog has just been sitting there and I think subconsciously, I knew what that meant the whole time, but I wasn’t even ready to show that to myself to show me that.

Jenny: Okay, look, she can walk.

Daniel: [yelling] People like you should be hung in a public square. [looking at Rebecca] Okay, look at me. I can fix this.

Rebecca: [sobbing] I just feel like these animals have no voice. Who will be their voice?

Daniel: You will. Rebecca Anbush. Look at me. Look at Gunther. Look at prime time. Look at Wantan. Look at Alexander. You always, always have been their advocates and their voice more than anyone, anyone who’s ever lived.

Rebecca: I know. I know. But it’s like it’s too late. I mean, the dog can’t walk. It’s just sitting there humiliated.

Daniel: He will walk. If it starts eating Blue River today. Now for the love of God. Look your dog in the eye and listen for the first time in your life.

Jenny: Fine! Felicity What do you want?

[Rebecca goes to Jenny’s back and whispers in her hear]

Rebecca: I want Blue River dog food, mommy.  Feed me Blue River dog food, mommy. I wanna walk. It’s only 32 cents more a day monthly. I don’t want a corn gluten meal. Listen.

[Chloe walks in looking at Jenny]

Chloe: Do it! Do it! Do the right thing. It’s not too late.

Jenny: Oh my god. Fine. I will buy the Blue River, okay? [She puts in the Blue River dog food] May I go now please?

Daniel: Definitely.

Rebecca: God, we just saved that dog’s life.

Daniel: Not we. You. And you know what else? I think I’m ready to do it. I think I’m finally ready to make love to you.

Rebecca: What? It’s working?

Daniel:  If this is what I think it is, it’s working.

Rebecca: Everyone! He says it’s working.

[Everyone is cheering for them]

Chloe: Congratulations.

Rebecca: We’ll go really slow.

Daniel: Thank you.

Male voice: Blue River dog food, if you want your dog to ever walk again.

New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing] [The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came
who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me
super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

Headless Horseman

Icabod Crane… John Mulaney

Headless Horseman… Beck Bennett

William… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with a man walking into the woods in a full moon night.]

Icabod Crane: Keet it together, Icabod Crane. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. [spooky noise] What? What is that? [he sees an owl] It was only an owl. Calm your nerves, Icabod.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane.

Icabod Crane: Who’s there? Show yourself.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane. [There’s a headless horseman] How dare you trespass in these woods on all Hallow’s eve?

Icabod Crane: My god, it’s the headless horseman. The one I heard tale of in ghastly stories.

Headless Horseman: The very same.

Icabod Crane: And it’s true what they say. You’re cursed to carry around your own severed head.

Headless Horseman: For eternity.

Icabod Crane: So, since you’re holding a detached but animated head, do you ever use it to… you know.

Headless Horseman: To what?

Icabod Crane: Do you use it? You know, like, on yourself?

Headless Horseman: What? What on earth are you talking about?

Icabod Crane: No. It’s– Okay, look. I’ve been trying to do it with myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

Headless Horseman: Argh! That’s disgusting.

Icabod Crane: Oh! Says the man holding his severed head. Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you’re holding the head. The mouth is already right there.

Headless Horseman: Honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

Icabod Crane: Well, it would have been my first thought right after, “Oh, my god. They chopped off my head”, I would have pivoted to, “Huh? Possible silver lining here.” It’s like they always say, ‘when life hands you a severed head, you put your mouth on your digus.’

Headless Horseman: Enough! You’ll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell.

[William walks in]

William: Icabod, I came as soon as I could.

Icabod Crane: Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

William: No. I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever just roll into the ladies room?

Headless Horseman: Excuse me?

William: The head. You ever roll it under the stalls in the woman’s bathroom and be like, “Mental pictures”.

Headless Horseman: No! Of course, not. I don’t even go indoors.

William: Okay. Then you ever use your head to… you know… on yourself?

Headless Horseman: He already asked that.

Icabod Crane: I already asked that.

William: Great minds.

Icabod Crane: Hey, follow up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have false removable teeth because that could feel really good if you got–

Headless Horseman: I have real teeth.

William: Ah! Bummer!

Icabod Crane: But could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact, like, if someone wanted that, I mean.

Headless Horseman: No. I mean, yes. But why would anyone want that?

William: Personal connection.

Icabod Crane: Power, for me.

William: Hey. When your throat got cut, did it happen to the gag reflex?

Headless Horseman: Okay. Now, I’m sending you both to hell.

William: Why send us to hell when you can send yourself to heaven?

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Icabod, William, did you ask the horseman about–

Icabod Crane: Yes, yes. We’re like, way into it.

Mikey: Then, I have a question that’s gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

Headless Horseman: What are you talking about?

Mikey: I’m just curious about clean up.

Icabod Crane: No, no, I get that. But listen, it’s an open neck, right? So, he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it. And it just like, falls out.

William: Yeah. You could probably go in through the neck too. That’s a whole new experience.

Headless Horseman: All your minds are filthy. What is going on in this town?

Icabod Crane: Well, it’s full of puritans, homie. We’re the most sexually repressed people in history.

William: Yeah. Sorry I’m obsessed with sex. This is going to shock you but my wife Goodie Chasity isn’t exactly fulfilling my needs.

Headless Horseman: Alright. I’m through with this conversation. Icabod Crane, you shall suffer my wraith– [William walks to Headless Horseman and tries to lift his head off his hand.] Hey! What are you doing? No.

[William passes the head to Icabod Crane]

Icabod Crane: Alright. Let’s just say things are coming to a-head [pun].

Male voice: And so, the legend of sleepy hollow was born. They say if you walk the woods today, you can sill hear the ghostly cries of the horseman’s head yelling, “Come on guys! I need a break!” And then, “Hey, hey! The ears are off-limits!” Happy all hallows eve, from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lorne who wrote this sketch.

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone] [Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Another Uncle Meme

Mr. Brenner… John Mulaney

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

[Starts with an office meeting]

Mr. Brenner: Alright, good meeting, gang. Before we go, does anyone have anything else the’d like to share? Maybe our newest intern, my nephew, Tyler.

Tyler: Nope. Nope. I’m good.

Mr. Brenner: Oh. Okay. Well, why don’t you not play dumb ass with me? See, my nephew Tyler here memed me again. And you all know it. He turned me into a meme. And I’ll be honest, I’m pissed again.

Chloe: I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.

Mr. Brenner: Exhibit A. My perfectly dating handsome profile picture. [showing his picture on the screen] It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just a normal adult man looking for a smart and funny adult woman. And what do I see posted by my sweet nephew in the company Slack? This. “Swipe right if you want bad sex.” You think this is funny? Look at me. You think this is funny? Women might see that and think it’s true and it’s not. I get great reviews. Thank you very much.

Chloe: I am so sorry, Mr. Brenner. I assure you no one thought this was funny.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, really? Because you all seemed to really love this one. “When you in a sex cult but you still a virgin.” Hey, listen up, peanut gallery, if I was in a sex cult and not having sex, I would leave. Trust me.

[Chris and Tyler do the fistbump

Chris: Got his ass.

Mr. Brenner: Hey, look at me, you dunts. Everything about this, when you do this, it sucks for me. Look what popular meme account ‘purple drink possi’ posted. “Hello darling, you may whack me in the penis with a golf club.” Now, I don’t know why that’s in quotes. It’s definitely not something I’ve said. But look, this was tweeted out by actor and New York legend Michael Rapaport. “When she come over and she say, ‘Hi, my name is Chris Hansen’.” What an outrageous accusation? First off, the fellas go to the little kid’s house on that show, not vice-versa. And why would she be saying, “My name is–”

Chloe: We don’t have to get into logistics.

Tyler: Look, I’m really sorry, Uncle Ron. I’m getting paid to make memes now and I need to practice. It’s helping with my tuition.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, is this going to help you get through college, you Limp Bizkit? How about this one? “That feeling withn the priest put his fingers in your mouth during communion.” Look, what an awful image. I hate that. I hate it. Next.

Chris: Okay, that’s creative.

Mr. Brenner: It’s not creative. It’s not creative. You know what it is? Liable. But hey, I guess that’s what I get for thinking love was possible for a guy my age. I just wanted to find romance again. Is that such a crime?

Mr. Brenner: Then why does your profile say, “Only interested in 18-24 year olds?”

Chris: Say what?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Tyler: Oh, it does? That’s probably one of those default settings that–

Mr. Brenner: No. You wrote it out in text. “I mean it. If you 25+, don’t waste my time.” And why you tell them the website that you’re on, uncle Ron?

Tyler: Tinder.

Mr. Brenner: No. Chicksinprison.com. Sugar daddies looking for inmates.

Chloe: I’m sorry. What?

Tyler: Okay. Please, in my defense, they’re much easy to control that way.

All: Mr. Brenner?

Chris: Oh, my god!