New York Musical

Pete Davidson

John Mulaney

Chris Redd

Minion… Kenan Thompson

Minnie Mouse.. Melissa Villaseñor

Elsa… Lauren Holt

Shrimp Louie… Kate McKinnon

Statue of liberty… Maya Rudolph

[Starts with three guys in Big Nick’s Souvenirs store]

Pete: Hey, man. How is business?

John: At the souvenir store in Time Square during the pandemic? It’s not great.

Chris: Alright. Well, then I’ll buy two of those snow globes.

John: Wow, thank you. That’s gonna really put me over the top, buddy.

Pete: I’ll take that photo of you with your kids.

John: That’s a personal item. Not for sale.

Pete: Oh, okay. Then I’ll buy that I heart New York underwear.

John: What was that?

Pete: Those briefs those announce how much I love New York. I’ll take em’.

Chris: You’re buying an underwear from souvenir store in Time Square? They’re not even wrapped.

Pete: So what? I like to show my support for the city.

John: Kid, you sure you want to buy the underpants?

Pete: Actually, you’re right. I should try em’ on first.

Chris: Whoa! Try them on?

John: You want to take these pair of unwashed ‘I love New York’ underpants and you want to put it on your naked body?

Pete: Yeah. Do you have a fitting room or something.

John: Yeah, sure. We have a fitting room. Hey Time Square minion, why don’t you show this guy the back of the store where the people of Time Square habitate?

[music playing] [The minion opens the wall door. There are other characters inside.]

Minion: [singing] Mascots be shady tonight

John: Minnie and Elsa will fight

The characters: If you take a selfie then you better give us money

Minion: Or I’ll show your daughter a knife

John: So, after seeing that, do you still want to buy the underwear?

Pete: Yeah. I love New York and I want my modest balls to show that.

Minion: Of all the items in this store, you see you made

one great miscalculation buying filthy underwear

John: Bugs with no hesitation
will nesten your pubic hair

Minnie Mouse: One million novelty items
and he chose those

Elsa: It’d be like shopping at RB’s for pantyhose

Minion: One skid mark on the inside
that’s not the only stain I see

John: You’ll probably get an STD
so run, son

All: You would have to be psychotic
or take some strong antibiotic
don’t buy those

John: Great work.

Pete: Dude, things seem really bad even for Time Square.

Chris: Yeah. When do you think things are gonna bounce back?

[Shrimp Louie walks in]

Shrimp Louie: That’s what I want to know.

John: Oh. Shrimp Louie, the bubbagum shrimp mascot. I can’t belive you’re still here, darling.

Shrimp Louie: Where have they gone?
the tourists who came

who will eat up on my shrimp pad
with spiked lemonade?
send in the crowd
those confused German crowd

Minion: We missed TKTS
and bad seats for cheap

Shrimp Louie: Even Tim Horton’s has closed Canadians weep

All: Where are the crowds

Minion: I can’t group without crowds

Chris: Ahem! I see one guy across the street with binoculars.

John: Oh, that’s not a tourist. That’s the diddler on the roof.

[The diddler slides in on a table. His pants are off and he has binoculars.]

Diddler: Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, strip off your clothes, no one will know
Don’t shake it, don’t shake it, peek through my lens, and polish my uncut gems

Pete: This must be why everyone’s moving to Connecticut or Jersey and buying one room shacks for $900,000.

[Statue of Liberty walks in]

Liberty Statue: Fools! You don’t give up on my city that easy.

I lived through warhol
I lived through Bethenny Frankel
and I’m here
danced for the 86 mets and broke my ankle
but I’m here
I lived through Time Square filled with whores
now they’re on Sex in the City tours
my first apartment was a drawer
but I’m here
I’ve been to nobo noho and CBGB
and I’m here
Once on the pat train I swear that I saw Soon-Yi
and I’m here
stepped over bodies drawn in chalk
I knew son of Sam the dog could talk
I do the marathon but I walk
and I’m here
look who’s here
I’m still here

John: Oh no, look who’s coming our way, that woman from West Chester and she has visible covid.

[Cut to a woman walking by sneezing]

The woman: The minute I coughed at the press
I knew that new Rochelle would try and pin the blame on me

super-spreader
spread a little rona with me

Pete: We gotta get away from her.

John: Don’t worry. That homeless guy staying at a nearby luxury hotel will chase her off.

[The homeless man walks in. The woman is scared of her.]

Homeless man: Where is Rick Moranis?

The woman: [screaming] Ah!

John: Get out of my store.

Chris: Man, this place is nuts. I’d move somewhere else but the whole country is crazy.

John: I know this country seems terrible right now, but you know what? Move. [moving Pete away and showing the underwear that he wanted] Look at these underpants. Remember, they started this whole thing. Do you realize America is like these underpants? Because–

Diddler: I get it.

John: I know you get it. But let me explain it to the rest of them. Sure these underpants are riddled with ugliness and disease. But they still stand for something. Love. That’s why I didn’t want to sell them. Because they give me hope.

Minion: And I am specially hopeful now because we only have three days more.

John: Three more days to the election,
but the results may take months
it feels longer than the Irishmen
bot that movie needed cut

All: Three more days of Instagramming
thirsty selfies that say more

Liberty Statue: Prepare for the worst, so just please make it fast

All: November 3rd, election day,
November 3rd’s not far away
November 3rd on Wednesday or a Tuesday, I’m not sure
I don’t vote
what’s the point
It’s New York

Headless Horseman

Icabod Crane… John Mulaney

Headless Horseman… Beck Bennett

William… Pete Davidson

Mikey Day

[Starts with a man walking into the woods in a full moon night.]

Icabod Crane: Keet it together, Icabod Crane. Nothing to be afraid of in these spooky, scary woods. [spooky noise] What? What is that? [he sees an owl] It was only an owl. Calm your nerves, Icabod.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane.

Icabod Crane: Who’s there? Show yourself.

Unknown voice: Icabod Crane. [There’s a headless horseman] How dare you trespass in these woods on all Hallow’s eve?

Icabod Crane: My god, it’s the headless horseman. The one I heard tale of in ghastly stories.

Headless Horseman: The very same.

Icabod Crane: And it’s true what they say. You’re cursed to carry around your own severed head.

Headless Horseman: For eternity.

Icabod Crane: So, since you’re holding a detached but animated head, do you ever use it to… you know.

Headless Horseman: To what?

Icabod Crane: Do you use it? You know, like, on yourself?

Headless Horseman: What? What on earth are you talking about?

Icabod Crane: No. It’s– Okay, look. I’ve been trying to do it with myself with my regular attached head. I tried yoga and I tried stretching. I even had the town doctor remove two of my ribs.

Headless Horseman: Argh! That’s disgusting.

Icabod Crane: Oh! Says the man holding his severed head. Don’t tell me it never crossed your mind. Look how you’re holding the head. The mouth is already right there.

Headless Horseman: Honestly, I’ve never thought about it.

Icabod Crane: Well, it would have been my first thought right after, “Oh, my god. They chopped off my head”, I would have pivoted to, “Huh? Possible silver lining here.” It’s like they always say, ‘when life hands you a severed head, you put your mouth on your digus.’

Headless Horseman: Enough! You’ll have plenty of time to think such foul thoughts after I send you straight to hell.

[William walks in]

William: Icabod, I came as soon as I could.

Icabod Crane: Oh, how brave. You came to rescue me, William?

William: No. I wanted to ask the horseman some questions. You ever just roll into the ladies room?

Headless Horseman: Excuse me?

William: The head. You ever roll it under the stalls in the woman’s bathroom and be like, “Mental pictures”.

Headless Horseman: No! Of course, not. I don’t even go indoors.

William: Okay. Then you ever use your head to… you know… on yourself?

Headless Horseman: He already asked that.

Icabod Crane: I already asked that.

William: Great minds.

Icabod Crane: Hey, follow up to my thing. Do you, like most men in our era, have false removable teeth because that could feel really good if you got–

Headless Horseman: I have real teeth.

William: Ah! Bummer!

Icabod Crane: But could you tilt the head so that you can make eye contact, like, if someone wanted that, I mean.

Headless Horseman: No. I mean, yes. But why would anyone want that?

William: Personal connection.

Icabod Crane: Power, for me.

William: Hey. When your throat got cut, did it happen to the gag reflex?

Headless Horseman: Okay. Now, I’m sending you both to hell.

William: Why send us to hell when you can send yourself to heaven?

[Mikey walks in]

Mikey: Icabod, William, did you ask the horseman about–

Icabod Crane: Yes, yes. We’re like, way into it.

Mikey: Then, I have a question that’s gonna seem weird on several levels. But is the head dishwasher safe?

Headless Horseman: What are you talking about?

Mikey: I’m just curious about clean up.

Icabod Crane: No, no, I get that. But listen, it’s an open neck, right? So, he could probably just drink a glass of water after you do it. And it just like, falls out.

William: Yeah. You could probably go in through the neck too. That’s a whole new experience.

Headless Horseman: All your minds are filthy. What is going on in this town?

Icabod Crane: Well, it’s full of puritans, homie. We’re the most sexually repressed people in history.

William: Yeah. Sorry I’m obsessed with sex. This is going to shock you but my wife Goodie Chasity isn’t exactly fulfilling my needs.

Headless Horseman: Alright. I’m through with this conversation. Icabod Crane, you shall suffer my wraith– [William walks to Headless Horseman and tries to lift his head off his hand.] Hey! What are you doing? No.

[William passes the head to Icabod Crane]

Icabod Crane: Alright. Let’s just say things are coming to a-head [pun].

Male voice: And so, the legend of sleepy hollow was born. They say if you walk the woods today, you can sill hear the ghostly cries of the horseman’s head yelling, “Come on guys! I need a break!” And then, “Hey, hey! The ears are off-limits!” Happy all hallows eve, from all of us at NBC, but mainly Lorne who wrote this sketch.

Cinema Classics- The Birds

Reese D’eWhat… Kenan Thompson

Tippi Hedren … Kate McKinnon

McCafferty… John Mulaney

[Starts with Cinema Classic intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Cinema Classic on PBS.

[Cut to Reese D’eWhat in his set. He is wearing a vampire costume.]

Reese D’eWhat: Good Hallo’s eve to you. I am Reese De’What. And De’What’s that behind you? I am just kidding. Tonight, we take a look at Alfred Hitchcocks Reese 1963 horror thriller, “The Birds”, starring Tippi Hedren as a woman menaced by birds for reasons that are never explained. Why did Hitchcock not clarify what the birds were up to? I do not know. I am a bad guesser. Just ask my wife who asked me to guess what she was going to be for Halloween and I said, “I don’t know. Drunk on rum?” Worst double bubble bath ever! Let’s look at our recently unearthed alternate scene in which Hitchcock tries to really spell out what’s going on with the birds. Here we go.

[Cut to the scene from the movie. The birds are just flying all over the place. Tippi Hedren runs into a telephone booth scared.]

Tippi Hedren: Oh my god. [panting] Oh. [Tippi Hedren calls the police station] Operator, get to the sheriff.

[Cut to McCafferty in his office]

McCafferty: This is sheriff McCafferty. What’s the emergency?

Tippi Hedren: [panting] Birds.

McCafferty: I’m sorry. Did you just kind of gently whisper the words “Birds”? What does that mean?

Tippi Hedren: It means birds. The flappy, flappy things. They’re trying to kill everybody. [a birds hits the telephone booth and dies there] [scared] Ah! You got to do something, please. These birds, they’re the jerk of the year.

McCafferty: Has anyone said like, “Shew, get out of here, bird!”, like, with a hand wave?

Tippi Hedren: No. No. There’s too many and they’re too mean.

McCafferty: Okay. So, these are birds of prey? Like, a hawk or and eagle?

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re seagulls. You know, the little guys that eat french fries at the beach. Oh, no, look. [Cut to a gas station on fire] They set fire to the gas station.

McCafferty: How?

Tippi Hedren: Sir. I cannot explain.

McCafferty: No, no, no. You just said that a bird set fire to a gas station. So, you need to explain that to me.

Tippi Hedren: Maybe the bird took a cigarette from someone and then like, flapped it into the gas box. I don’t know. [someone else gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: Now what’s happening?

Tippi Hedren: The birds. They just birded a man to death. Oh no, one of the birds found a glass cutter. [a bird’s foot is holding a glass cutter and cuts the phone booth glass in circle.] No, please. It’s got a knife. [a bird’s foot is holding a knife. It’s trying to reach Tippi Hedren through the hole but can’t.] Please do something. The birds weren’t raised right.

McCafferty: Ma’am, you are hysterical. There is no way this is happening all because of a bunch of no good– [now, a bird’s foot is holding a gun on McCafferty’s head] Ahem! I have to call you back. [McCafferty hangs up the phone] [Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: I mean, right? Wow! I got to tell you though, test audiences positively hated this new version. Almost as much as my wife hates vacuuming. You know what? I’m sorry. That is not fair. She is a good woman. Still worry that audiences would not be scared enough by birds, Hitchcock filmed yet another version of the scene adding even more sources of potential terror. Let’s watch.

[Cut to the movie’s clip. Now, Tippi Hedren and McCafferty both are in the phone booth.]

Tippi Hedren: Well, thank god you came. These are the birds that are doing it all.

McCafferty: I am very sorry I doubted you. The birds are trying to be very mean.

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. What’s that one doing? [a bird puts it’s butt inside through the glass cut hole.] It’s mourning us. [the bird then lays an egg]

McCafferty: An egg? It’s trying to be nice. So we have breakfast.

Tippi Hedren: No. They’re trying to make more birds!

McCafferty: Okay. That’s it. I’m gonna start shooting my gun off in here and see what happens.

Tippi Hedren: No. You dummy, you’ll kill us. And it’s too late. The birds have picked up turtles to use as a battering rams.

McCafferty: Oh my god. They entered phase two of their plan. They’re putting the turtles on people like hats.

Tippi Hedren: And squeezing people’s heads until they die.

[A man gets hit on the phone booth being attacked by the birds]

McCafferty: We’re on the phone! We’re on the phone!

Tippi Hedren: Oh, no. The turtles have now picked up sandwiches.

[They’re getting hit by the sandwiches]

McCafferty: I get it. The turtles are bullying the sandwiches like the birds bullied the turtles. It’s a cycle.

Tippi Hedren: And now the turtles have learned to fly without the help of the birds.

McCafferty: As have the sandwiches.

Tippi Hedren: Is this a lesson about man’s lack of respect for nature?

McCafferty: Oh, I don’t know. Dammit, I don’t know. Just kiss me.

Tippi Hedren: What? No. That’s not this.

[Cut back to Reese D’eWhat]

Reese D’eWhat: Ultimately, this alternate scene was scrapped after an assistant editor pointed out that it had added over a day to the film’s total running time. Happy Halloween, everyone. For cinema Classics, I have been Reese De’What.

Another Uncle Meme

Mr. Brenner… John Mulaney

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Chloe Fineman

Chris Redd

[Starts with an office meeting]

Mr. Brenner: Alright, good meeting, gang. Before we go, does anyone have anything else the’d like to share? Maybe our newest intern, my nephew, Tyler.

Tyler: Nope. Nope. I’m good.

Mr. Brenner: Oh. Okay. Well, why don’t you not play dumb ass with me? See, my nephew Tyler here memed me again. And you all know it. He turned me into a meme. And I’ll be honest, I’m pissed again.

Chloe: I’m sure this is all a misunderstanding.

Mr. Brenner: Exhibit A. My perfectly dating handsome profile picture. [showing his picture on the screen] It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Just a normal adult man looking for a smart and funny adult woman. And what do I see posted by my sweet nephew in the company Slack? This. “Swipe right if you want bad sex.” You think this is funny? Look at me. You think this is funny? Women might see that and think it’s true and it’s not. I get great reviews. Thank you very much.

Chloe: I am so sorry, Mr. Brenner. I assure you no one thought this was funny.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, really? Because you all seemed to really love this one. “When you in a sex cult but you still a virgin.” Hey, listen up, peanut gallery, if I was in a sex cult and not having sex, I would leave. Trust me.

[Chris and Tyler do the fistbump

Chris: Got his ass.

Mr. Brenner: Hey, look at me, you dunts. Everything about this, when you do this, it sucks for me. Look what popular meme account ‘purple drink possi’ posted. “Hello darling, you may whack me in the penis with a golf club.” Now, I don’t know why that’s in quotes. It’s definitely not something I’ve said. But look, this was tweeted out by actor and New York legend Michael Rapaport. “When she come over and she say, ‘Hi, my name is Chris Hansen’.” What an outrageous accusation? First off, the fellas go to the little kid’s house on that show, not vice-versa. And why would she be saying, “My name is–”

Chloe: We don’t have to get into logistics.

Tyler: Look, I’m really sorry, Uncle Ron. I’m getting paid to make memes now and I need to practice. It’s helping with my tuition.

Mr. Brenner: Oh, is this going to help you get through college, you Limp Bizkit? How about this one? “That feeling withn the priest put his fingers in your mouth during communion.” Look, what an awful image. I hate that. I hate it. Next.

Chris: Okay, that’s creative.

Mr. Brenner: It’s not creative. It’s not creative. You know what it is? Liable. But hey, I guess that’s what I get for thinking love was possible for a guy my age. I just wanted to find romance again. Is that such a crime?

Mr. Brenner: Then why does your profile say, “Only interested in 18-24 year olds?”

Chris: Say what?

Chloe: Excuse me?

Tyler: Oh, it does? That’s probably one of those default settings that–

Mr. Brenner: No. You wrote it out in text. “I mean it. If you 25+, don’t waste my time.” And why you tell them the website that you’re on, uncle Ron?

Tyler: Tinder.

Mr. Brenner: No. Chicksinprison.com. Sugar daddies looking for inmates.

Chloe: I’m sorry. What?

Tyler: Okay. Please, in my defense, they’re much easy to control that way.

All: Mr. Brenner?

Chris: Oh, my god!

SNL Stories from the Show- Unreleased (Eddie Murphy, John Mulaney and More)

[Starts with “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” intro] [Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: Josh Brolin, when he hosted, Sarah Palin came on, which was the same night that Will Forte first submitted ‘Fart Face.’

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader: Given name is Carl but he likes to be called Fart Face.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: So, at dress, the sketch does terribly.

[Cut to a short clip from the sketch ‘Fart Face’]

Bill Hader and Will Forte: [yelling] Fart Face! Fart Face! Fart Face!

Josh Brolin: No! Oh, god, no!

[Cut to John Mulaney]

John Mulaney: But it gets in. Everyone has a sense everyone in America is watching. And then, Josh Brolin, he’s looking up here at the bleachers like this. [looking up] And he’s just nodding at them. And he looks at Forte and Bill and he goes, “Let’s shut these [bleep] up.” And that was the Emmy episode.

[Cut to Will Ferrell]

Will Ferrell: They’re not really pranks. We did a lot of stuff waiting for Lorne at the read-through. Coz, you know, you’re always waiting a little bit and so, we sang ‘happy birthday’ for him when it was just not his birthday. He was like, “Oh, good. Thank you.” But he kind of was smiling. I think– yeah. [laughing] [Cut to Eddie Murphy]

Eddie Murphy: There wasn’t a screen test. There was a series of audition. The first time I came here was just Neil Levy. Just me and Neil in his office, and he said, “Make me laugh.” And he sat back and I did my stick. And luckily coz I was doing standup already– See, I think a lot of actors come, somebody say, “Make me laugh,” and you don’t have an act, it might be pretty daunting. I did Muhammad Ali and Howard Cosell and Jimmy Carter. That’s how long ago it was. Jimmy Carter impression. And I did Bill Cosby. And he didn’t laugh at all. He just kind of sat and looked at me and said, “Thank you.” And then I left. I was like, “I guess I didn’t get it.” Then couple of weeks later, they call me and said, “Come in, we want to see you again.” Then I went back. This time, it was two people in a row. And they said, “Make me laugh” again. And I did the same thing again. And they said, “Thank you.” Then another week or two went by and they called me back again. And then I went. It was Liz Welch, Neil Levy and Mike Zanella. He was one of the producers on the show. And they said, “Make us laugh.” And I did all my stuff. Mike Zanella was in back and he did like this. [laughing unimpressively with one exhale.] That was my big laugh. That was the big laugh of the three auditions.

[Cut to Aidy Bryant]

Aidy Bryant: We did a sketch called “Block Buster” where I played like, a hobo woman. And we literally shot all day and all night until about 7:30 in the morning. And then had to be back here at noon. So, the turnaround was horrible And I basically slept here as if it was my home. And then washed my hands and feet in the sink. Like, I’ve mostly used this space to recoup in some way. I think when people think of ‘SNL,’ they think of people doing coke, and mostly it’s me sitting right here with a blanket on.

[Cut to “Stories From the Show- An SNL Series” outro]

Another MasterClass Quarantine Edition

Phoebe Waller-Bridge, Britney Spears… Chloe Fineman

John Mulaney… Melissa Villasenor

[Starts with MasterClass intro]

Male voice: MasterClass Quarantine Edition is back with even more classes from your favorite famous people. Classes like, Phoebe Waller-Bridge teaches journaling.

Chloe: Hello, you cheeky little birds. I don’t know why I said that. I’m Chloe. And since this started, I have won two Emmy’s. No, I haven’t. But I might.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

I keep all sorts of journals. One for violent female rage. Oh, I agree. [showing a journal] And this one is full of my naughty little secrets. [trying to open it] It’s a bit sticky. Can’t open it.

[Break message reads “Get inside her mind.”]

Even if you’re not writing anything, you can look up from your journal with a cheeky little grin and play mind games with your partner. Oh! I know.

You can find inspiration anywhere. Like, your twerty little neighbor.

[talking to neighbor] Oh, hello. [talking to the camera] She hates me.

[reading her journal] Ha-ha-ha. I can’t believe I said that.

It was a cheesy, drippy, slutty little tart of the pizza. I’m Chloe and this is my MasterClass. Fancy!

Male voice: And John Mulaney teaches suits.

[Cut to John Mulaney]

Melissa: Okay, that will be all. Oh, hello there. I’m standup comedian John Mulaney. And this is my MasterClass on how to master [holds his tie] class.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”]

This suit is ideal if the vibe you’re going for is precocious kids who is asking all the wrong questions at this funeral.

[Break message reads “You’ll never stop learning.”]

You’re gonna have to decide whether you’re the type of person that’s gonna button up or button down. But I have to button up because I have no chest hair.

[Break message reads “Get the tricks of the trade.”]

Don’t you even think about leaving your tie loose. Tuck that in. Don’t be a monster. Oh, you’re looking sharp, John. And now you’re ready to hang out in your house coz we have nowhere to go.

[Break message reads “Pursue your passion.”]

Go, apply for the job and tell me thanks when you get it.

Male voice: And of course, Britney Spears teaches something.

[Cut to Britney Spears in her home]

Britney Spears: I’ve been in quarantine for five years now. And that’s okay because all my favorite stuff is here.

[Break message reads “Meet your new instructor.”] [singing] Oops, I burned my gym down. So now, I exercise outside. When I’m looking for a creative outlet, sometimes I’ll paint, sometimes I’ll post. And I’m skinny as a needle. My loneliness is literally saving me.

The thing that helps me most in quarantine is being rich.

[Break message reads “We paid her too much for this.”]

During this time of Corona disease, we have to stay safe. My prayer is with you. I’m Britney Spears and this is my Master School.

Male voice: MasterClass, Quarantine Edition.

Uncle Meme

Heidi Gardner

Ron… John Mulaney

Emily… Chloe Fineman

Tyler… Pete Davidson

Beck Bennett

Aidy Bryant

Chris Redd

[Starts with seven people celebrating in their house.]

Heidi: Anyway, to our baby girl Emily accepted at Stanford Business School.

Ron: Congratulations, sweetie.

All: Congratulations.

Emily: Aw, thanks everybody. It’s so nice to have family here.

Ron: [sigh] That’s great. So, Tyler, what about you? You enjoying college?

Tyler: Oh, yeah, uncle Ron. I’m loving it.

Ron: Oh, that’s nice. They have computers there, yeah?

Tyler: At college? Yeah, yeah, they do.

Ron: And did you do anything else?

Tyler: I don’t know, uncle Ron. I mean I write papers.

Beck: Ron, you alright?

Ron: I’m talking to your son. You write papers? That’s it?

Tyler: Yeah. That’s it.

Ron: You’re so slick, huh? You’re a liar!

Beck: What?

Ron: Excuse me?

Aidy: Ron, is everything okay?

Ron: No. It’s actually not okay. He meme’d me.

Beck: I’m sorry. Meme’d you?

Ron: Yeah, that’s right. My punk nephew Tyler made into a meme. I’m a meme now. And I don’t like it one bit.

Emily: Dad, come on. There’s no way.

Beck: Yeah. I’m sure this is just a misunderstanding.

Ron: Oh, really? Take a look at this. [Ron walks to his TV] Look at my facebook profile pic. [He shows his profile pic] Perfectly normal handsome picture of me right at work, right? Now, look at the front page of reddit.com. “When she wanna smash but the pee-pee too small.” What the hell is this?

Ron: Oh, wow!

Chris: Damn!

Aidy: My goodness.

Heidi: What in the world?

Ron: I know. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I mean is it supposed to be funny? Coz it’s not.

Emily: No, it’s sick.

Chris: It’s kind of funny though.

Ron: And it’s not even true. I smash. I have a kid, dammit!

Aidy: Tyler, is he right? Did you meme your uncle?

Tyler: Look, it just got out of hand. I just made one meme for fun and then–

Ron: Fun? Is this fun to you? This next one was tweeted by rapper Ice-T. And he said it was too true. [changes the meme] “When y’all kissing and she say ‘That’ll be $Ron00.'” I mean hey, hey, that sucks for me. You get that, right? [changes the meme] “When your girl pregnant and you ain’t even had sex.” Again, I have a daughter. Lies. [changes the meme] “When you tip the cam girl for Heidi0k and she block you.” What?

Aidy: Now, I don’t even get that.

Chris: It do be like that sometimes.

Aidy: Well, this is awful. This is not what Melania meant when she said, “Be best.”

Ron: The internet dubbed me the white collar virgin. I don’t know why. I mean, look at this. There’s thousands. [showing a list of his memes]

Tyler: Uncle Ron, I’m so sorry. I would never describe you that way.

Ron: Sorry? This is ruining my life. Do you get that? You do get that, right? This is endless. And they’re getting more creative. “I guess heaven needed a bitch.” So, I passed away in this one? [changes the meme. His picture is edited like he’s Joker.] “Wanna know how I got these tiny-ass balls?” It’s not funny. It’s depraved. [changes the meme] “When green book on HBO.” Dammit, at least this makes sense. That is how I feel when green book on HBO.

Aidy: Ron, this is a nightmare and we apologize on behalf of our son.

Beck: Tyler, make this right.

Tyler: Look, I never should have started the meme but I promise you, the one I did was just silly. It wasn’t meant to be like, hurtful.

Beck: Thank you. See? Just some gentle raving that got out of hand.

Ron: Oh, interesting. Coz I tracked Tyler’s reddit username and his first post was this. [changes the meme] “That feeling when you a pedophile.”

All: Tyler?

Tyler: That moment when your uncle finds the pedophile meme you made of him. [Tyler makes a silly face]

The Admiral

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Admiral… Beck Bennett

Julian… John Mulaney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”

[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]

Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.

Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.

Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.

Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.

Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.

Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]

Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.

Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.

Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?

[Kate passes Aidy a card]

Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.

Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.

Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]

Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.

Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.

Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?

[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]

Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.

Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.

[door bell ringing]

Kate and Aidy: The admiral.

[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]

Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.

Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?

Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.

[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]

Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.

Admiral: Hello, sailor.

Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.

Kate: We’re seducing this man.

Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.

Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?

Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.

Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.

Julian: No, no. I got promoted.

Kate: Oh, really? To what?

Julian: Pass around party bottoms.

Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!

Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.

Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.

Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.

Admiral: No, boy!

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Admiral: Good idea.

[Admiral walks out.]

Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.

Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?

Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.

Kate: We need him to lust after us.

Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.

Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.

[Julian is eating a sausage]

Julian: Yes?

Kate: God! Put that down.

Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.

Kate: Very annoying.

Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.

[Julian faces the wall bending over.]

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.

Aidy: So annoying.

Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]

Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.

Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.

Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!

Aidy: Oh, holy hell.

Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.

Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.

Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.

Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.

[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]

Kate: Yes. You’re right.

[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]

Kate and Aidy: No!

Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.

Aidy: That’s even cuter.

Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!

Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.

[Admiral walks in]

All: The admiral.

Kate: Who will he choose?

Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!

Sound of Music- Rolf and Liesl

Rolf… John Mulaney

Liesl… Cecily Strong

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with show schedule]

This is Turner Classic Movies. Up next it’s “Fiddler On The Roof For Wasps, The Sound Of Music.”

[Cut to Rolf standing alone in a room. Liesl runs in.]

Liesl: Oh Rolf, you waited.

Rolf: Oh Liesl, I was beginning to think you wouldn’t come.

Liesl: Sorry I’m late. The captain made me sing in a night gown in front of all his friends.

Rolf: The captain’s your dad, right? Yes, and I’m worried about him. Papa says I’m too young to be in love but I think I love you.

[music playing] [singing] I am 16, going on 17
I know that naive
fellows who meet me tell me I’m sweet
and willingly I believe

Rolf: That’s true.

Liesl: You are 17, going on 18

Rolf: Actually I’m 33

Liesl: Wait, what?

Rolf: I know I look young and I said I’m young
But I lied, I’m 33

Liesl: You’re 33? But, you ride a bicycle.

Rolf: Oh, that’s because I’m very poor, darling.

Liesl: And you live with your mother.

Rolf: Wow, she’s got a list. Look, you’re only as old as you feel. Liesl, do you know what statutory means?

Liesl: No.

Rolf: It means I looked it up and we’re on the right side of the cusp.

Liesl: I don’t know, Rolf. It’s a pretty big age difference. And I don’t want to say this but there’s rumors that you’re maybe a Nazi maybe.

Rolf: Focus on the age stuff.

Liesl: Well, I don’t know if I can trust you.

[music playing]

Rolf: [singing] Don’t be dramatic it’s not a great look
trust me I know what guys like

Liesl: But I am 16

Rolf: And I am 38
I’ve had some birthdays since we started talking

Liesl: 38? But you said 33.

Rolf: Oh, let me explain.

[singing] I am 33, next month I’ll be 39
baby I’m
41

Liesl: Rolf?

Rolf: Liesl? I know you’re freaked out but this is Austria, 1930-bad. In a few months, this will be the least of your worries.

Liesl: You keep saying stuff like that.

Rolf: Can I help it that I’m attracted to you? You’re so mature and sophisticated.

Liesl: Really? You think I seem older?

Rolf: Yes. What? With the complaining and those hefty naturals? Honestly, when I first came to the house, I thought you were the mom.

Liesl: Oh, I don’t know. You’re a geriatric telegram boy. And I’m rich and good with puppets. So you do the math.

Rolf: I know I’m not perfect. But I’ve talked to mother and I’m moving out.

Liesl: Really? You bought a house?

Rolf: No. I rented. With roommates.

[singing] Ricks and Hans and Kevin and Girble

and four other guys named Hans

Liesl: That’s a lot of Nazis. But I still don’t know how I feel about dating an older guy.

Rolf: Oh, Rolf. Age is just a number that the government keeps track of. For example,

[singing] I am 46

Liesl: That’s older than my father

Rolf: Damn how sexy is that?

Liesl: I do like attention and not to mention
my brain’s not totally formed

Rolf: Oh, Liesl. I like that so much.

[a man and a woman walk in with two other guards.]

Woman: That’s him.

Man: Stop it at once!

Liesl: Papa?

Rolf: Oh, hello Gaylord.

Man: Oh, shut up.

Rolf: But that’s your name, isn’t it? Gaylord Vantrap.

Man: Yes. But you know what you’re doing.

Woman: Oh, just arrest the pervert.

Man: Hey, how old are you by the way?

Woman: [singing] I’m old enough but it’s still kind of dicey

Man: Lehi-ho lehi-ho lehi-um-hmm.

Kyle’s Transformation

Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

John Mulaney

Justin Theroux

[Starts with Beck Bennett and Kyle Mooneyat the office]

Beck: Man, psyched for Mulaney this week.

Kyle: Yeah. Any idea what you’re working on?

Beck: Um, maybe Halloween wrap or Christmas wrap.

Kyle: Cool.

[John Mulaney knocks the door and walks in]

John: Hey, guys.

Beck: Hey, John.

Kyle: What’s up, man?

John: Um, I’m gonna write this strip club sketch where all the guys play male strippers. And I was just making sure that you, Beck, were okay with taking your shirt off.

Beck: Yeah. Of course. That sounds amazing.

Kyle: Yeah. Do- do you think you’ll be needing me for the sketch?

John: As like a awkward guy?

Kyle: I don’t know. As one of the dancers?

John: Oh, Kyle, I don’t know if you’re like, exactly built for for that.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Kyle: Of course. Right.

Beck: Yeah. And whatever that is, [pointing at Kyle’s face] it might not work.

Kyle: [laughs lightly] Totally.

John: I mean it’s like [thinks hard]. Come on, Kyle.

[Kyle slowly starts hearing them in echos]

Beck: I mean, can you imagine if he was in it?

John: I mean that’d be like, have to just cut.

Beck: Yeah. Yeah.

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: So, it’s Mulaney week which is always a blast. And there are already so many amazing ideas. Unfortunately, I’m not always gonna be a part of those great ideas because I guess people think of me as one thing.

[Kyle walks by the hall. He peeks inside writer’s room.]

Male: Who should play the dork?

John: Uhh, definitely Kyle.

Male: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Obviously.

[Kyle starts remembering his past sketches where he played dork.] [Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: And I think it’s time for me to change that. Here we go.

[Cut to Beck walking to his office. Rock music is playing inside and guys are making noise. He knocks the door.]

Beck: Kyle, what the hell?

[Kyle opens the door. Their shared room office is filled with gym equipments and there are two trainers for Kyle in there.]

Kyle: Beck, sorry man. Must have got a little carried away. Come on in. [breathing heavy] I moved some stuff around. Hope that’s cool. [pointing at guy trainer] This is Justin. He is helping me to get into fighting shape.

Justin: Justin Theroux. Nice to meet you.

Kyle: [pointing at girl trainer] That’s Nadia. She’s my nutritionist. Or as we like to call her ‘she who will slap cookies out of my hand.’ Ha-ha-ha. I had to man.

Beck: Kyle, what the hell is this all about?

Kyle: The strip club sketch that Mulaney’s writing. I wanna be in it. And NBC said they’d fill the bill if I wanna train. So, I’m just trying to make it happen.

Beck: Okay, well, I mean I need to work.

Kyle: Of course, brother. Hey, me too. Ha-ha-ha. [Kyle plays rock music again] Come on, now! Here we go. Are you ready? [Kyle does the exercises making too much noise]

Justin: Three more!

Beck: It’s kinda’ hard to work.

[Cut to Kyle narrating. He looks jacked.]

Kyle: So, I’ve been hitting it pretty hard. I’ve gained 37 pounds of muscle in, let’s see here, two days. And I’m feeling like, “Get me in that strip club sketch.” But I do feel good. And it’s pretty crazy, you know. People are starting to treat me a little different around here.

[Cut to Kyle doing crossfit in the office hallway.]

Chris: Damn, Kyle looks jacked.

Aidy: I know. He’s so hot. He’s gonna be put in every comedy sketch.

[Kyle finishes his workout. Nadis lets him have a bite of his bread.] [Chloe Fineman approaches to Kyle]

Chloe: Hey, Kyle, you left one of your juices rotting on my desk.

Kyle: Sorry, Chloe. I’m such a spazz. But that’s just me, I guess. I love hiking and my family.

Chloe: Aww, Kyle. Hey, would you ever wanna–

Kyle: Have sex with each other?

Chloe: Well, I was gonna say grab a drink.

Kyle: Ah! I can’t drink anymore. But I can have sex with you before my 5 PM bedtime.

Chloe: Um, okay.

Kyle: Yeah. Let’s do it. I’m feeling pretty good.

Chloe: Oh!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Well, I put in the work, became less interesting. And now they’re gonna put me on the cover of SNL Magazine. So, what do you say we check in on that strip club sketch. [screams] Ah!

[Cut to Kyle in Lorne Michaels’ office.]

Lorne: So, Kyle. Everybody’s happy about the body. So, what’s next?

Kyle: Lorne, it’s been amazing awesome experience and for working with you. But I gotta know, am I get into that Mulaney strip club sketch?

Lorne: Oh, I know John. I can put in a call.

[Kyle walks to Lorne Michaels to shake hands]

Kyle: I appreciate it, big boss man.

Lorne: [trying to feel Kyle’s biceps] Can I?

Kyle: Please.

Lorne: Ouf!

[Cut to Kyle narrating]

Kyle: Alright. We did it. I got in the sketch. [screaming] Ah!

[John walks to Kyle]

John: Oh, hey, Kyle.

Kyle: Hey.

John: Hey, big rewrite on the strip club sketch. I’ve been looking for you. It’s just gonna be a bunch of awkward guys now.

Kyle: Oh, okay.

John: So, we’re gonna lose you.

Kyle: Alright, got it.

John: And also, you’re fired from the show.

Kyle: Aw, man. Really?

John: Yeah.

Kyle: Awkward question, can I get your autograph?

John: Yeah, okay.

Kyle: [celebrating] Alright!

[Cut to SNL magazine with John Mulaney on the front page. It’s signed by him to Kyle.]