Silver Star Catering

Taran Killam

Toby… Jonah Hill

Beck Bennett

Kenan Thompson

Aidy Bryant

Cecily Strong

[Starts with colleagues having a meal together]

Taran: Alright, I think we can all agree that the basic financials make sense. Let’s get into the needy greedy of the merger. I’m really sorry we had to work through dinner but we’ve got a lot to go through.

[Toby walks in]

Toby: And don’t worry. We have enough food because the whole event is catered by Silver Star Catering.

Taran: That’s right. I actually forget to mention. We are trying a new caterer out. So, enjoy. Okay, now what I wanna do is focus on–

[Toby walks in again]

Toby: All bunches in the snack platters have been made by hand. Enjoy.

Taran: Okay. Great. Thank you again. Dave, you brought the latest proposal.

Beck: Got it right here, sir. Pass these out please. Alright. And you see, [Beck picks up chips and eats it] um.

Toby: And we’re a freaking hit!

Beck: As you can see from the latest proposal, there’s going to be hiring freeze. If not, some short term layoffs.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: Mike, it’s Toby. Just wanna give you a little run down of what’s happening. The food is on absolute runaway. Smash hit!

[Cut to Kenan and 5]

Kenan: So obviously this will need to be approached with some delicacy?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Of course. Lot of hard choices to be made on both sides.

[Cut to Toby talking on the phone]

Toby: They liking it? I’ll tell ya’. Everything! The chicken wraps, munched! The roast piece sandwiches, munched!

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Um, sir.

Toby: Kinwa, munched! House!

Taran: Hey, excuse me!

Toby: Dry pepper paneer, scorfed!

Taran: Excuse me! Excuse me.

Toby: Yeah, I’m on the phone.

Taran: Yeah, I know, and you’re being very loud.

Toby: Pigs in a blanket, let me check. Absolutely munched! Even the new monkey bird is gobbled.

Taran: Okay, you know what Toby? I think we have a bit of a problem here.

Toby: Mike, we’re a hit. I’m crying. The spicy humus, chomped! It’s a miracle. We’re gonna need to scale up. Hire five black guys.

[Cut to Kenan looking at Toby angrily]

Kenan: Black guys?

[Cut to everybody]

Toby: And Mike, don’t get me started on the goodies. Twizzlers, munched! Bon M&ms, no nice way to say it, raped! Italian cookies, finger blasted.

[Cut to Taran]

Taran: Toby!

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: Bola ranch, gang-banged! Dallas 500, it took em’ all. It took em all and it loved it.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: No one has even touched the ranch.

[Cut to Toby]

Toby: I’m on the phone. It’s a business call. [whispering] Sorry Mike, it’s a mad house. What? What do you mean your’e getting robbed?

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: okay, why doesn’t everybody just read the proposal on their own quietly?

[Toby leans toward’s 6’s and Toby’s ears]

Toby: Oh, they’re eating like hogs in a truck full of hog slob midge, midge, midge. She didn’t even come up for air. She’s deep-throating the broccoli, Mike. What do you mean you’re still getting robbed? Fight back, Mike. Fight back. Hand the phone to them. Hello. Let go of Mike. He started? He tied to rob you first? Oh, Mike!

Taran: Alright! Should we take a break, maybe order some pizzas?

[Everyone stands and walks away. They haven’t ate anything.]

Toby: Let’s see what we got here.

[Toby picks a piece, puts it in his mouth, then spits it]

Oh, my god! This is gross. No wonder Sam’s club is throwing it out.

[The End]

Oak Ridge High Auction

Steve… Bobby Moynihan

Michael Akari… Jonah Hill

Shawn… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Pete Davidson

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Leslie Jones

Pharooq… Taran Killam

[Starts with Oak Ridge High School student auction]

Aidy: $ninety going once, twice and sold to Mr. Dobson. You win an hour of Spanish tutoring from Honor student, Doug Persel.

Doug: Muchas gracias. [laughing]

Aidy: Now, remember parents, all the proceeds from tonight’s auction goes to the senior carnival. So, get out those wallets. [a band walk on the stage] Now, next step for bid, you may remember this band from the talent show. And I hear they’re quite a hit online. It’s ‘The Emojis’.

Sasheer: What’s up?

Aidy: Now, their music video, “I got a crush on Kevin” has, how many hits on YouTube?

Sasheer: Almost 300,000.

Aidy: Oh, wow! Okay, so, highest bid wins a one hour private gig with ‘The Emojis’. So let’s open up the bidding to 100. Big ones. Come on.

[Cut to the audience]

Steve: I’ll start, $100 right here.

Beck: Not so fast, Steve. $120!

[Cut to Michael Akari. He looks like Sheikh from the middle east.]

Michael Akari: $1 million.

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy: I’m sorry. Are you a parent?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: No. I am Michael Akari. I serve King Faidi of Qatar. The king’s teenage daughter princess Sana took a liking to ‘The Emojis’ on YouTube. The King insisted I attend your auction and secure their appearance to light and amuse her.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: Wait, what?

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: When I win ‘The Emojis’, they will immediately board in Faid’s private jet and spend the next week in the palace. Upon arrival, the teens will be bathed and groomed. The young man will spend the day on the King’s yacht while the young women prepare the evening’s feast in the kitchen.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t know how to cook.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: [yelling] Then you will learn. During your song, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin”, the princess will join the band on stage and sing the lyric, “I’ve got a crush on Kevin, yeah, uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh, and I heard he got a crush on me.”

[Cut to the band]

Kyle: That sounds dope but I can’t go to Qatar, sir. I gotta take SATs on Saturday.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Yeah, I don’t know about my daughter going to the middle east unsupervised.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king promises the young women will return with their virtues intact. And for your troubles, each entertainer’s family will receive $500,000.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: Have fun, cupcake.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, $1 million, going once, twice, sold to the very generous Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Excellent. To the teens I just purchased, please see outside if you’ll fit in your robes.

[Cut to the band]

Cecily: I don’t want to wear a robe.

[Cut to Beck]

Beck: [yelling] Just wear the robe!

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay, wow. Well, that’s certainly a first for the Oak Ridge senior auction. Now, let’s bring up our star basketball player Shawn and Nate who also have quite the internet following with their vines. [Shawn and Nate walk up the stage] [Cut to Leslie in the audience]

Leslie: Woo! That’s my baby. Hey, Shawn.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: What’s up, mom? We do vines where we do trick shots.

Nate: Yeah, it’s ‘Dem Boys do the Dunx’ with an X. One of our vines was big on Buzfeed.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: So, Shawn and Nate are offering a 45 minute private basketball lesson. So, let’s start the bidding at $75.

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: Okay, 75!

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: The king’s twelve son is a great admirer of Dem Boys do Dunx. I bid $2 million.

[Salah Pharooq walks in. He also looks like a sheikh from the middle east]

Salah Pharooq: $3 million.

Michael Akari: Pharooq. I see you’re still Al Salemi’s errand boy.

Salah Pharooq: Back down, Akari. Dem Boys do Dunx will be mine.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Okay. And who is your new friend?

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: How rude of me. Greetings Oak Ridge High. I am Salah Pharooq, here in behalf of sultan Al Salemi of Kuwait. His fourteen year old son Talam is all about Dem Boys do Dunx.

[Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Wow! Okay. Okay, $three million. Going once, twice–

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: $4 million.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Shawn: Mom, what are you doing?

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: Relax, baby. I am playing the game.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: $5 million. I know that sultan’s packets aren’t that deep.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate]

Nate: I don’t think my mom will let me go to the middle east.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Michael Akari: Then you are weak! But to ease your mind, the king will offer you both one hour in his room with 200 virgins.

[Cut to Shawn and Nate. They’re hugging each other out of happiness.] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Alright, $5 million going once, twice and sold to Mr. Akari.

[Cut to Michael Akari and Salah Pharooq]

Salah Pharooq: I am shamed.

[Salah Pharooq runs out] [Cut to Aidy]

Aidy: Well, with a $6 million budget, this senior carnival is going to be absolutely insane.

[Cut to Michael Akari]

Michael Akari: Dem Boys do Dunx, we must leave now as we have to stop in LA to pick up the young men who did ‘Damn Daniel’ video. You know those guys? ‘Damn Daniel’? So great.

[The End]

Murder Interrogation

Mr. Duflapy… Kenan Thompson

Inspector… Taran Killam

Cecily Strong

Mr. Westin… Jonah Hill

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

[Starts with some people being gathered by inspector in a castle]

Mr. Duflapy: Alright inspector, why have you called us here? My train departs in an hour.

Inspector: No one’s going anywhere as currently your host Mr. Foxso lies in his bedroom dead from a bullet wound making one of you a murderer.

Cecily: Well, this is ridiculous. I’m an American. I have rights.

Mr. Westin: Yes, inspector. Please do get to the point.

Inspector: Of course. All I need to know is where each of you were this evening between the hours of 6:30 and eight pm.

Kate: I was plucking the feathers from the pheasant and putting little carrots in his throat and onions in it’s bum, the way Mr. Foxso prefers. Sweet to the top and savory in the ass.

Aidy: And I saw her on the way to the rose garden.

Mr. Duflapy: Where she saw me doing my kind of things and my deep knee bends.

Cecily: And we were at the library having intercourse on the table. I’m not ashamed, I’m an American.

Beck: Indeed.

Inspector: Well, then Mr. Westin, it seems that everyone has been accounted for except for you.

Mr. Westin: To be honest inspector, I can’t even recall where I was between 6:30 to eight.

Kate: I just remembered something. While I was plucking that pheasant, I heard 24 separate toilet flushes in a span of 90 minutes coming from Mr. Westin’s bathroom. Does that help your investigation?

Inspector: Hmm, it is curious. Does that sound familiar to you Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [laughing] It really doesn’t. I would recall doing something like that.

Cecily: I just remembered something too. While in the library, we could hear the pipes through the wall sounding as if they were handling something they had never handled before. It was almost as if they were crying.

Mr. Westin: Okay, I fear like, this is hanging in a direction I’m not comfortable with. Maybe we should look for fingerprints.

Aidy: Wait! I can’t believe I forgot this but I heard a terrible groaning and someone muttering, “No, no, no, this is too much. There are people around. Why today? I did this already this morning.” Does that help with the murder inspector?

Mr. Westin: What are you doing to me?

Mr. Duflapy: The geese!

Inspector: What about the geese, Mr. Duflapy.

Mr. Duflapy: Well, it was the strangest thing. I was doing my back bends so I was facing the sky when I noticed two hands open Mr. Westin’s bathroom window. At the same moment, a flock of geese flew by the very same window and drops dead instantly.

Mr. Westin: I didn’t kill geese.

Kate: Well, the geese were dead. They were all lying there with their little wings over their noses and their eyes were crossed.

Mr. Westin: Geese can’t cross their eyes.

Beck: Actually they can. I studied them in the Island. Geese will cross their eyes when confronted with physical horror.

Mr. Westin: This has nothing to do with the murder. He was killed downstairs. God!

Cecily: Downstairs? Well, wait a second. I do remember now seeing the char remains of men’s white underpants as well as trousers. It was as if someone burnt them in shame and ran out of the room as I entered.

Mr. Westin: This is ridiculous.

Inspector: Mr. Westin! When exactly did you change in to these women’s lace bloomers?

Aidy: Why? Those are mine!

Inspector: It almost looks ex– pardon me! It looks like you had to replace your trousers suddenly. Do you care to explain, Mr. Westin?

Mr. Westin: [yelling] Alright! I was in the bathroom for hour and half going through a catastrophe.

Beck: What is the state of the bathroom at this time?

Mr. Westin: Oh, my god! Not good! Okay? I will take care of it. And P.S., there’s still a murder on the loose. Do we still care about that?

Inspector: Oh, there is no murderer on the loose. She is sitting right next to me.

[Inspector catches Kate by her arm]

Kate: I’ve done it. Walk me away.

Inspector: It was obvious because there was gun powder on the pheasant.

Cecily: Inspector, you’re a genius.

Mr. Westin: You’re fanny whore. You knew that entire time she did it and yet we spent time making me a monster for something everyone does in the bathroom.

Mr. Duflapy: But it was just so extreme.

Mr. Westin: I know! I know, I was there. I was scared. And now I don’t know how to boat. I just remember, I didn’t drive here. So I need a ride to town. So, who’s going to be cool? It could be anybody.

[Everyone just leaves the room]

Okay, so everyone’s just breaking into groups and walking away talking. Great!

[The End]

 

Jonah Hill Monologue

Jonah Hill

Kyle Mooney

Future

Jay Pharoah

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[Jonah Hill walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Jonah Hill: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I’ve had such a crazy year. Wow. So much happened. I had a starring role in the ‘Hail, Caesar!’… trailer. What else? I saw Deadpool opening day. Oh, thank god! A question.

[Cut to Kyle in the audience]

Kyle: Hey, Jonah. Medium fan here. I notice you haven’t starred in a movie in a long time.

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Well, first of all, crazy roots. Second of all, that’s not really a question, Kyle.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: Okay, here’s a question. What’s it like being a movie star? I mean, can you ask one of your friends?

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: Ah! It’s really funny, Kyle. I love you videos that you make. They remind me of how much I miss Andy Samberg.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle: [yelling] Yeah, I miss your career!

[Cut to Jonah Hill]

Jonah Hill: I hate you so much, Kyle. Anyway, this is my fourth time hosting. So–[cheers and applause] Crazy. So, I thought I’d mix it up and we have an amazing musical guest tonight. Future! I’m such a big fan of Future. I figure I’m such a big fan of Future, let’s forget the monologue and just kick things off with a musical performance by Future featuring Drake.

[Future walks in]

Future: Drake is not here, man!

Jonah Hill: Oh, he’s not? I guess I could do it.

[Jay walks in]

Jay: Oh, no, no. I’ll do it. I’ll do it.

Jonah Hill: Get out of here. Get out of here, Jay. Nobody wants to see that. Anyway, Futs, you were insisting I should do Drake’s part?

Future: I never days that.

Jonah Hill: I guess I do know it. But… we’re gonna do this little rap. I just have one question.

Future: No, you can’t say any of the ‘N’ words.

Jonah Hill: No, of course not. I wouldn’t dream of them. I never sing them.

Future: Even when you’re alone.

Jonah Hill: Let’s do this. Jump man.

[music playing] [Future start dancing] [rapping] Yeah
Halloween
Taliban, Taliban
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something
I just found my tempo like I’m DJ mustard
Lobster and celine for all my babies that I miss
Chicken fingers, french fries for them hoes that wanna diss
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman,
Uh, uh, uh think I need some Robitussin

Future: Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman
I just seen the jet take off they up to something

Jonah Hill: We got a great show for you tonight. Future is here.

Future: Them boys just not bluffing them boys just not bluffing
Jumpman, Jumpman, Jumpman, them boys up to something

Fond Du Lac

Trish Wisnouski… Cecily Strong

Joe Bush… Jonah Hill

Barb Von Stoppin… Aidy Bryant

Mary Pate… Vanessa Bayer

Ron… Taran Killam

Ted Larson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Fond Du Lac: Action News intro]

Male voice: You’re watching South Eastern Wisconsin award winning news team. Top of the hour from the bottom of the lake. This is Fond Du Lac, action news.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: I’m Trish Wisnouski.

Joe: And I’m Joe Bush.

Trish and Joe: And here’s your news Fond Du Lac

Trish: Let’s get to tonight’s top story.

[Cut to Trish. There’s a picture of a person in jail suit at left top corner.]

Trish: Outrage as the hearing date’s been sat to determine where recently released sex offender Jim Hansel Love.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, god! I hope he doesn’t get Judge Brigs, coz she fined me 300 bucks for going through a stop and go light by that Pizzahut that I know is yellow.

Trish: Joe? Yellow? I’ve driven with you. Come on!

Joe: On to our next story. [Cut to Joe] Rumors are swirling about a possible cancellation of this year’s annual Winterfest. Our very own Barb is at the fair grounds. Let’s go to her live.

[Cut to split screen]

Barb: Hi there, Trish and Joe.

Trish: Hey, Barb.

Joe: What’s happening there, Barb? Because my friend John Willer from snow mobile place called me and said this is a big mess and I said, “Yeah, I know.”

Trish: Yeah. My friend Jana calls me, “There’s gotta be a solution.” I go, “Well, what is it?” She goes, “I don’t know.” I’m like, “Okay.”

Joe: Good point. Thank you for that report Barb. Keep us posted.

Barb: Yeah. No problem. Back to you guys.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Alright, so, what now? Should we do weather one?

Joe: Yes, sounds good. Let’s go to Mary with the weather. Hey, what are we looking at, Mary?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Um, you know what guys? Who can tell what the weather is going to do, you know? One day it’s freaking snowing, and the next day I got all the windows down in my navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Oh, you got the navigator?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yes, we got the navigator

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Oh, you like it? Didn’t I tell ya?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Yeah, I like it. Yeah. It’s a 2010 navigator.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: Yeah, where did you get it at?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Oh, yeah, Don Schlender’s Auto and cycles.

[Cut to Trish]

Trish: Oh, yeah. Don’s. Where they caught the sex offender in his Kia.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: You know, I never was a fan of Kia, and it’s not entirely a Korean thing.

Trish: Actually you know, My first bus front was Korean. He didn’t speak a word of English, but she had a stand up pole and she always brought me like, weird gum to school. And you know, I think her sister kind of drowned or something at pool and that’s why they moved away.

Joe: Hah! So, that was the weather. Okay, Fond Du Lac, it’s time to learn your lotto number is at anyone near Fond Du Lac

Trish: As always, here to pull the number is Mr. Ron Durusek. He’s been doing this since 1972.

Joe: Yeah, we just had his 90th birthday party over there at the McDonald’s right where the sex offender was showing people his thing.

Trish: Okay, Ron, you ready?

[Cut to Ron]

Ron: Yes. First number, it’s a one. First number’s a one.

Joe: Okay, well actually that’s a seven. Ron can’t see too good.

Ron: Second ball, we got 11.

Joe: Yeah, that’s a 14.

Ron: Lucky 11! And third ball, oh-oh! 69. I had to say it. It’s on the ball.

Joe: It’s a two. Not a 69.

Ron: 69.

Joe: It’s two.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Trish: Okay, okay, Ron.

Ron: 69!

Trish: Okay, got ya’. He knew that wasn’t a 69. He does that everytime.

Joe: Okay. Let’s go to Ted Larson with sports. What you got, Ted?

[Cut to Ted]

Ted: Well, the Badgers won Michigan bad. And that was the only game I got to see this week coz I got a troubled son. He called his mother a B and kicked me in my D, and then he told the neighbors to mind their f-ing business or they can eat his dirty A. You know.

[Cut to Trish and Joe]

Joe: That was sports. Thanks Ted.

Trish: Alright, well that’s your news Fond Du Lac and it looks like it’s lunch time.

[someone passes food to Trish and Joe]

So, we got, what’s this? California carb.

Joe: That’s not mine. I don’t eat salads.

[Ted walks in to check his lunch too] [The End]

Beating Wrestling Champion

Will… Jon Rudnitsky

Ricky Manns… Jay Pharoah

Nate… Jonah Hill

Sasheer Zamata

Stacey Epstein… Kate McKinnon

Mom… Vanessa Bayer

Dad… Bobby Moynihan

Samantha Powell… Cecily Strong

Tyler Stevens… Taran Killam

Fellepe Ramirez… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with five friends pulling over their car. They’re all wearing same sports outfit.]

Will: Good match, Nate Nate.

Ricky: Way to go, Nate. You’re the man.

Nate: You didn’t do too bad yourself Will.

Sasheer: You’re amazing.

Will and Ricky: Tigers forever!

[Nate gets out of the car and walks to his house]

Stacey: Hey Nate, wait up. [Stacey runs towards Nate] We’re gonna have some beers behind the Gazibu at depo park later if you wanna come.

Nate: Yeah, I don’t know if coach wants me drinking tonight.

Stacey: You defeated Tyler Stevens of Great Oak. He was undefeated. And you beat him. You sure you don’t wanna celebrate?

Nate: It’s not about whether I won or lost. It’s that I gave everything I am to my team.

Stacey: You’re a hero, Nate.

Nate: Tigers forever.

Stacey: Tigers forever. Bye.

[Nate turns away and his friends drive away] [Nate walks in his house.]

Nate: Hey, mom.

Mom: How was your day, sweetheart?

Nate: It was great.

Mom: Why don’t you sit down with your dad and watch some TV.

[Nate sits with his father.]

Dad: Tigers forever.

Nate: Tigers forever, dad.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Good evening, I’m Samantha Powell. Tonight’s top story is a heartwarming tale of generosity. As undefeated high school Wrestler Tyler Stevens allowed himself to get pinned by the school loser as an act of charity.

[Nate’s picture appears on the news]

Nate: What?

[Cut to Tyler Stevens on TV]

Tyler Stevens: You should have seen the smile on his face. I mean, you like, actually believed it. It feels good.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What the hell is going on?

[Cut to Stacey and Ricky on TV]

Stacey: Everyone feels very sorry for Nate because he sucks so hard.

Ricky: Yeah, that’s why the whole community came together to pretend he won.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What? This is insane. They didn’t let me win.

[Cut to Tyler Stevens]

Tyler Stevens: What I meant to do was sort of let him have a come from behind sort of movie style victory. But when we got close to each other, he smelled so bad and I just had to let him pin me right away.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: I don’t smell. I don’t smell.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez, high school janitor on TV]

Fellepe: I’m glad he got to win. Coz he has so many problems. And when I clean the bathroom, I always find his pants in the trash. He never makes in to toilet.

[Cut to Dad looking at Nate]

Number one, he no make it. Number two, he no make it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why would they interview Mr. Ramirez.

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez on TV]

Fellepe: He keep a packet in his locker all year. I said, “Nate, you got to throw out the packet.” He said, “Ain’t this a packet. it’s my girlfriend.” I pick it up, little hole in it. Very little hole.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: What is going on?

[Cut to Mom]

Mom: You won the big match, son.

Dad: Yeah. You beat Tyler Stevens.

[Cut to all]

Nate: They’re saying they let me win. It’s a top story.

Mom: I know. And that’s nuts because the neighbors were murdered tonight.

[Cut to police locking the neighbor house as a crime scene.]

Dad: The policemen are sitting like, for 20 years.

[Cut to all]

Mom: Yeah. And a celebrity did it.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Who?

Dad: Eric McCormack from ‘Will & Grace’.

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: Breaking news, I’m being told we have another interview with the janitor at the Westfield High.

Nate: Come on!

[Cut to Fellepe Ramirez]

Fellepe: He tell me I his best friend. I no his friend. I groove.

[Cut to Nate]

Nate: Why is Mr. Ramirez getting so much air time?

[Cut to the news]

Samantha: An inspiring story. A whole town coming together to make one weird reject feel like people liked him even for just one day. And hey, Nate, if you’re out there, I hope to god you’re not watching this. And Eric McCormack is back on the news. And get this, it’s twins… that he murdered. The oldest living twins.

[The End]

Midterm Ad | Season 44 Episode 4

Democrat 1…..Heidi Gardner

Democrat 2…..Beck Bennett

Democrat 3…..Kate McKinnon

Democrat 4…..Jonah Hill

Patient…..Kenan Thompson

Democrat 5…..Leslie Jones

Democrat 6…..Kyle Mooney

Democrat 7…..Pete Davidson

Democrat 8…..Aidy Bryant

[ Democrat 1, wearing a blue sweater, is raking leaves in her front yard while her two children are playing in the leaves. ]

Democrat 1: This Tuesday, November 6th, Democrats are bringing much needed changed to America. There’s a blue wave on the horizon, and I have never felt more confident. [ She raises a thumbs up but her hand is shaking, and she is smiling nervously. ] [ Cut to Democrat 2 standing on sidewalk wearing a blue dress shirt and blue tie. ]

Democrat 2: The Democrats are taking back the House. It’s a win we need and a win we’re going to get. [ He raises his cup of coffee with a shaking hand popping the lid off the cup. ] I’m sure of it. [ He is shaking as he tries to take a sip while spilling coffee all over. ] [ Cut to Democrat 3, in a blue collared top and blue apron, she is arranging flowers in her shop. Her hands are shaking violently, and petals are flying off her flowers as she tries to place them in the vase. ]

Democrat 3: They say don’t trust the polls, but I’m choosing to. We’re finally going to put this administration in check.

[ Cut to Democrat 4, a doctor wearing a lab coat and a blue sweater. He is standing with his patient. ]

Democrat 4: It’s been a minute, but we’re going to win. Nancy Pelosi just said so on Colbert. [ He grabs an oxygen mask and huffs the air. ] [ Cut to Democrat 5 holding a kitty. ]

Democrat 5: White women promised to do the right thing this time. They’re not gonna let us down, right? [ The camera zooms in on the kitty who rolls its eyes and meows. ] [ Cut to Democrat 2 back on the sidewalk. ]

Democrat 2: We’re gonna win! Yeah! [ He takes a joint out of the mouth of a passerby and smokes it. ] [ Cut back to Democrat 3 in her flower shop. ]

Democrat 3: This ones in the bag. [ She is pouring liquor into a flower vase and then takes a large gulp from it. ] [ Cut to Democrat 6 sitting on a park bench. ]

Democrat 6: Sorry, Republicans. This one goes to the, goes to the Democrats.

[ Cut back to Democrat 1 in her front yard. Her children are playing behind her. ]

Democrat 1: And once we win, will everything suddenly get better? No, there’s still a long, hard… KIDS! Go inside! [ She is yelling at her children. ] Mommy told you, go inside till Tuesday!

Kid 1: Till Tuesday?

Democrat 1: Just go the [bleep] inside!

[ Cut to Democrat 7 sitting with his mom, Democrat 8. ]

Democrat 7: Me and my friends can’t wait to vote. So we will see you at the polls, next Thursday.

Democrat 8: Tuesday.

Democrat 7: I know, mom. I’m kidding.

Democrat 8: It was not funny!! [ She slaps democrat 7 across the face. ] [ Cut to Democrat 5 holding two kittens. ]

Democrat 5: So be part of the victory. Get out there and vote.

[ Cut to Democrat 4 with his patient in the examining room. He has his arm around the patient, and he is shaking him. ]

Democrat 4: Promise me, you’re gonna vote!

Patient: I am.

[ Cut to Democrat 2 on the sidewalk. He lifts his arms up to reveal that he is drenched in sweat. ]

Democrat 2: It feels pretty good!

[ Cut to Democrat 1 sitting on her front lawn. She throws some leaves in the air. ]

Democrat 1: We’re gonna win! [ Her two kids peak out the front door. ] Stay in there!!!

[ Cut to Democrat 8 shaking Democrat 7 who is holding his face where he was slapped. ]

Democrat 8: We’re gonna win.

[ Cut to Democrat 3. She is slamming a thumbs up on the table in her flower shop and is visibly drunk. ]

Democrat 3: We got this. [ She screams, and as her scream gets louder, she breaks all the glass in her shop window. ] [ Cut to title screen that reads, “VOTE! PLEASE?” There is a graphic of a red, white, and blue donkey with a nervous look on his face next to the words. ]

Teacher Fell Down | Season 44 Episode 4

Teacher…..Kate McKinnon

Student 1…..Jonah Hill

Student 2…..Pete Davidson

Student 3…..Aidy Bryant

[ Image of outside a high school. The marquee reads “Madison High School” and “Homecoming Next Saturday.” The bell rings. ]

Teacher voiceover: Whoa! [ There is loud thump noise and a group of students gasping. ] [ Cut to the classroom where the teacher is on the floor lying on her side. ]

Teacher: Ha, ha, ha. Teacher fell down.

Student 1: Are you okay?

Student 3: Yeah, ‘cause you really fell down there.

Student 2: Yo, you need like help?

Teacher: No, no. It’s too late for that. Teacher’s on the ground. Like a silly little girl. Well, I’m not a little girl, and I didn’t fall.

Student 1: Yes, you did. Do you wanna like get up, though?

Teacher: No, no. We’re staying in this. ‘Cause, I’ve got a hunch, and I’m not a psychologist.

Student 2: Yo, this is Driver’s Ed.

Teacher: But maybe you’re laughing, ‘cause you’re afraid. Teacher’s on the ground. Everything’s different. Are we okay?

Student 3: Yeah, we’re good. But, are you okay?

Teacher: Oh, ‘cause I tripped. ‘Cause I was teaching too fast. You remember how fast it was?

Student 1: Nah, I think it was just cuz you didn’t realize your shoes were heelys.

Teacher: Say, honey, what now?

Student 2: Uh, heelys are sneakers with wheels in them.

Teacher: Impossible! This is all funny now, but it’s not gonna be funny if it turns out I have two broken legs. And I’m in a full bottom mermaid cast. Wheeled around in a trash bin, covered head to toe in the stinky trash. That’s not funny. Spaghetti in my hair.

Student 1: I think that is funny.

Teacher: Alright, you, you laugh it up. Laugh away like this is some episode of Friend.

Student 3: Do you mean Friends?

Teacher: I don’t know movies.

Student 1: [ He stands up from his desk and heads towards the teacher on the ground. ] I can’t take this, I have to help her.

Teacher: Halt! I can teach from the ground, can’t I? Yes, uh, let’s place our hands on the wheel. Okay, remember, how old are my kids? Ten and two. [ She motions placing her hands on the wheel but then falls over more. She places one finger on her nose. ] Oh. Oh my dear God. Teacher fell more.

Student 1: It’s honestly not that much different. You’re like three inches lower.

Teacher: God, I’m on the ground. Oh! I’m where I belong. They always said I was too frail. Said I wouldn’t live past three. And I wish I hadn’t.

Student 3: Oh no, don’t tell us stuff.

Teacher: You know I’ve fallen down before. Once, at my own wedding. And a thousand other times.

Student 1: Stop sharing.

Teacher: My ex-husband used to tell me, “Gail, you’re too weak. Gail, you’re too clumsy. Gail, those shoes have wheels”. Put that phone away!

[ Student 2 is texting on his cell phone. ]

Student 2: Yo, I’m calling the nurse.

Teacher: You know what? This is good. Film this. Film this. [ The screen cuts to a filming of the teacher on the ground. She is looking into the camera. ] Hello, hello. How does it feel to see teacher? Teacher who used to lord over you with such power, fallen down. Knowing you could get up and kick her. You can step on her. Come on now. Take a wiz on teacher. [ The filming ends. ]

Student 3: Oh my God.

Teacher: Get up you. Spit in my hair.

Student 1: Okay. [ He stands up, but Student grabs him to stop him. ]

Student 2 & 3: Nooo!!!

Student 1: But, she said to. [ He sits back down. ]

Teacher: Look at us. The world has gone topsy-turvy, and so have we. We’re all here we’re all laughing like cats. You oughta try it, falling down. You see the world differently down here. You realize how small we all are, and how big the floor is. Alright, I’ve learned my lesson. Someone help me up. [ She reaches for help but all of the students have left the desks, and she is alone in the classroom. ] Well, they’ve left. I guess school is over. And, what, would you look at that? [ She examines the underside of her shoe. ] There’s a wheel in my shoe. What?!

[ Cut to outside the school. ]

Jonah Hill Five-Timers Monologue | Season 44 Episode 4

Announcer…..Darrell Hammond

…..Jonah Hill

…..Tina Fey

…..Drew Barrymore

…..Candice Bergen

…..Kenan Thompson

[ The SNL main stage where the house band is playing. ]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Jonah Hill.

[ Jonah Hill walks out to center stage. ]

Jonah: Hey. Thank you, thank you. Thank you very much. I am so thrilled to be back here at Saturday Night Live hosting for more my fifth time. That’s right. TOnight I am joining the five-timers club among SNL royalty, like, Tom Hanks, Steve Martin, Justin Timberlake. I mean this has been a dream of mine since the fourth time I hosted. But I am honestly looking forward to getting the five-timers jacket. Maybe there’s matching pants, I don’t know.

[ Tina Fey walks onto stage. ]

Tina Fey: Hey Jonah! [ They greet with a hug and cheek kisses. ] Okay. It’s a big night. Wow, you look so nice. Don’t mind me. Was it hard walking down here in your heels? No, just me? Anyway, welcome to the Five-Timers Club.

Jonah: Oh my God, thank you fellow five-timer.

Tina Fey: Ahh, don’t say it, just be it. And listen when we get to the five-timers lounge, just, be cool.

Jonah: Oh my God, we’re going to the five-timers lounge?

Tina Fey: Jonah! [ She motions for him to take it down a notch. ]

Jonah: Right, sorry. Let’s go. You got it. [ They walk off stage together. ] [ Cut to a door that says ‘Five Timers Club’ on it. ] [ Jonah and Tina Fey walk through the door into the lounge. ]

Tina Fey: Alright, Jonah. Here it is, the Five-Timers Club.

[ Drew Barrymore and Candice Bergen are waiting in the lounge wearing Five-Timers blazers like the one Tina Fey has on. ]

Jonah: Wow, Drew Barrymore, Candice Bergen, I can’t believe it. Amazing.

Drew Barrymore: You get your butt in here, Jonah.

Candice Bergen: Welcome to the Five-Timers Club, Seth.

Jonah: Oh no, I’m not Seth Rogen. No, I’m actually Jonah Hill.

Candice: And that’s not the same guy?

Jonah: Ha, ha. Hazing the new guy. I know you’re very familiar with my work, Candy.

Candice: Sure.

Jonah: So it’s, uh, kind of a light turn-out is it? Ladies night or something?

Drew: What do you mean?

Jonah: No, I…I was just, like, wondering where, where all the men are?

Tina: Oh the guys? Oh they’re not allowed in right now ‘cause it turns out they’re all a bunch of horny perverts. Time’s up on that.

Drew: Yeah, we have to be very careful about which famous men we let in here.

Jonah: You’re kidding, yeah?

Drew: It’s like Tom Hanks, Woody from Toy Story. [ She imitates Woody. ] “There’s a snake in my boot.” Yeah, I think we all know what that means.

Tina: And Steve Martin was always like, ‘Mind if I play the banjo?’ And then he would just like start playing. Like, no consent.

Candice: And Justin Timberlake ripped a lady’s top off at the Super Bowl. I mean, did anybody else see that?

Jonah: Bummer. Hey, this is still great. This is still good.

Drew: Alright, let’s get this party started. Do you wants something to drink?

Candice: Oh, hey. Uh, or smoke?

Jonah: No, I’m good. I’m about to host. I want to stay sharp for the show.

Candice: Ha ha. Cool, nerd. Uh, last time I hosted, I was blacked out. Oh speaking of which, I need a refill. Uh, can I get another Pete Davidson, please.

Jonah: What’s a Pete Davidson?

Candice: Well, all I know is it’s got a lot going on but it gets the job done.

[ Kenan Thompson walks out holding a drink. ]

Kenan: Here you go Candy.

Candice: Thanks, Kenan.

Jonah: Wait, Kenan, they let you in here sometimes?

Kenan: Ha, yeah man, this is my show. I let you in here sometimes. [ He takes Candice’s empty glass and walks off stage. ]

Drew: Alright, Jonah, in honor of you we all chose our favorite sketch of yours. [ She grabs a remote and points it at the TV. ] [ Cut to a sketch between Jonah and Cecily Strong. ]

Jonah (sketch): Okay, okay, okay. I did it. I clogged the toilet and then later in the day, I went on top of the clog.

Jonah: I did more than just bathroom humor.

Candice: But that’s where you shined.

Jonah: You guys are so fun. I am so excited. I just want a jacket right now.

Drew: Wait, you wanna do what?

Jonah: No, no! I want a jacket. A jack-et. A Five-Timers Jack-et!

Tina: Jonah, you gotta be careful. Alright, let’s get this guy a jacket.

Candice: Uh, Kenan! [ Kenan walks back on stage with a Five-Timers jacket. ]

Drew: And you’re in luck, because, uh. We just came up with a brand new design this year. [ Kenan removes Jonah’s jacket and puts the new jacket on Jonah. ]

Jonah: Oh wow. [ The jacket is like the others but with a lot more sequins. ]

Tina: Yes, yes. [ She helps Jonah button the jacket. ] It’s official. Let’s make it official.

Jonah: Is this, is this like a women’s jacket?

Tina: Any jacket can be a women’s jacket. It’s 2018. Okay? Plus, it looks really cute on you.

Jonah: Is it like flattering?

Drew: Are you kidding? You’re crushing it.

Candice: I’d hit that.

Jonah: Wow, thank you, Candy. I’m truly excited. We got a great show for you here tonight. Maggie Rogers is here. Just stick around and we’ll be right back.

Dog Infomercial | Season 44 Episode 4

Sonja Vegamonté…..Cecily Strong

Damien Regulanté…..Jonah Hill

Ma…..Aidy Bryant

Z…..Kyle Mooney

Dana…..Kenan Thompson

[ Sonja and Damien are speaking to the camera. There are various sketches of pugs hanging on the wall behind them. ]

Sonja: Hi, I’m Sonja Vegamonté.

Damien: And I’m a domestic partner, Damien Regulanté. If you’re anything like us, you breed pugs.

Sonja: But you wish they were more handsome and refined looking. I mean, he he, look at this one. [ She is handed a pug. ] Look how ugly this one’s face is.

Damien: He knows it, too.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: He’s bald. What’s the answer? I don’t need to tell you. You know. It’s pug wigs.

Sonja: Yeah, but where do you get one? Right here, at our flagship store, Pug Wigs!

[ Cut to Damien and Sonja walking out in front of a display of various wigs on shelves. ]

Damien: Look at all of this. We got so many wigs; I get sick of it.

Sonja: When you put one of our wigs on your pug, you go from zero to ten, in a flash. Ma, bring out the first model.

[ Cut to Ma walking out holding a pug in a curly blonde wig. ]

Ma: Alright, this pug’s name is Magnolia.

Damien: Magnolia is sporting the wig from our Legends of Cinema Line.

Sonja: This is, of course, the Marilyn Monroe.

Ma: Yeah, Magnolia used to be a solid two. But with this wig, she looks like she’s ready to get mixed up in a presidential scandal. Sleeping with the President.

Sonja: Mmmhmm. He he.

Ma: Oh, hell yes. She can sleep with the President in this wig.

Sonja: Yeah.

Damien: Yeah, that pug is so sexy delicious now.

Sonja: Oh wow, now all the boy pugs wants to jump her bones, now even though she got nothing to give down there. Let’s go Ma, let’s go. [ She ushers Ma off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Time for more pugs. Oh, look who decided to join us, my son Z, back from the drug hotel.

[ Z walks onto the stage holding a pug wearing a wig with the classic Rachel look. ]

Z: My parents make wigs for dogs, it could’ve been way worse.

Damien: Show off your pug.

Z: Alright, this is Harriet. She’s sporting a ‘Rachel Green’ from Friends. She’s America’s sweetheart. [ He sings to the tune of Friends theme song. ] But no one told you that your pug could look this great.. [ He does the clap from the Friends theme song. ]

Damien: That is one fresh looking girl-next-door pug. Very dateable.

[ Z walks off the stage with the pug. ]

Damien: Next we have Denise with Humphrey.

[ Ma (Denise) walks back onto the stage holding a pug wearing a frizzy blonde wig. ]

Ma (Denise): Yes, and Humphrey is rockin’ an Ed Sheeran wig. Look how contemporary he looks.

Damien: [ He sings to the tune of ‘Shape of You’ by Ed Sheeran. ] He’s in love with the shape of his pug wig… And next is my wonderful partner, Sonja [ Ma walks off stage with the pug. ] accompanied by Olive. Yes.

[ Sonja walks back on stage with a pug wearing a messy light brunette wig. ]

Sonja: Yes, she is feeling her confidence in this Tina Turner wig. From our Vintage Diva Line. Wow, look at the height in this.

Sonja and Damien: [ They sing together. ] What’s love got to do, got to do with it…?

Damien: I’ll tell you what, everything.

Sonja: Okay, we have so much more, like [ Cut to a pug wearing a short black wig. The screen reads ‘Liza Minnelli.’ ] Liza Minnelli.

Damien: Troye Sivan. [ Cut to a pug wearing a combed over the white-haired wig. The screen reads ‘Troye Sivan.’ ]

Sonja: Larry David. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is only on the sides of his head in grey and white. The screen reads ‘Larry David.’ ]

Damien: A Wall Street type. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is dark grey comb-over. The screen reads ‘Wall Street Type.’ ]

Sonja: Hip-hop. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is a brunette flat-top afro. The screen reads ‘Hip Hop.’ ]

Damien: Post Malone. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is curly short brown hair. The screen reads ‘Post Malone.’ ]

Sonja: And, Lady Diana. [ Cut to a pug wearing a wig that is blonde and side swept. The screen reads ‘Lady Diana.’ ] Awwww.

Damien: This is a legit business people.

Sonja: Yeah, it’s not a front for anything, so.

Damien: And make sure to check out our sister store. Dana, tell them about it.

[ Dana walks to holding two pugs wearing beard wigs. ]

Dana: My pleasure. If your boy pugs want facial hair, bring them by my shop, Dana Simpson’s Boy Pug Beard and Goatee. Frederick is rocking a ZZ Top and Tex here is looking crazy handsome in a brand new Wolf Blitzer. [ He walks off stage with the pugs. ]

Damien: Thanks, Dana. So come to Pug Wigs, just pugs and wigs for their bald heads.

Sonja: Yeah, so Ma. Take us out with a song.

[ Music starts to play, and Ma comes back on stage. ]

Ma: You got a fugly pug? Put a rug on that pug. [ She scats. ] Pug Wigs.