Sally O’Malley- Jonas Brothers

Ross… Kenan Thompson

Gretel… Chloe Fineman

Bowen… Bowen Yang

Sally O’Malley… Molly Shannon

[Starts with a group of ladies dancing. Ross walks in]

Ross: Okay, okay, sorry to interrupt. Sorry to interrupt girls. Take a break. Gretel, Bowen, come on, we need to talk.

Bowen: Oh, hey, what’s up Ross?

Ross: Well, as the Jonas Brothers manager, part of my job is to deliver bad news. The boys want to hire new choreographer.

Gretel: You can’t fire us. We invented Joe bro choreo.

Bowen: Yeah, I gave Nick his head bop. He used to go side to side, and I told him to go up and down with a finger shimmy.

Ross: Be that as it may, the boys feel that they’re not a teenybopper band anymore. And they’re about to start their Vegas residency,so they want a more mature stage act.

Bowen: Mature? Who Do they think can do that?

Ross: It’s hard to describe, easier to see. Let her in.

[Sally O’Malley walks in]

Sally O’Malley: My name is Sally O’Malley. I’m 50 years old. Not one of those gals who’s afraid to tell a real age. And I like to kick, stretch and kick. I’m 50. 50 years old. 50 years old.

Ross: That’s right. The boys were visiting their grandmother and she took them to her senior centers production of Annie, and Sally here was scarring and she rocked their world. And they don’t want to fire anybody. They were just hoping that, you know, you could let Sally add a little something.

Bowen: Okay, Sally, what little something do you think you could add?

Sally O’Malley: Top five decades of Dirty Dancing and red panting. I got half a century of sizzlin, my lady schnitzel. Nothing wrong with that. Being a woman. The Grand Canyon’s got nothing on me.

Bowen: You know, I’ve engineered my entire life so I would never have to see what I just saw. And Russell, are you sure she’s 50?

Sally O’Malley: Honey, I’ve been 50 since before you was born.

Ross: Can you please just gave it a try? The boys feel that Sally represents who they are now.

Gretel: Do they? Then tell us who you are Sally.

Sally O’Malley: Listen, I’m a choo choo Charlie and a class act.

Bowen: Russell, I love you. I just think the Jonas Brothers are making a huge mistake.

Joe Jonas: Oh, is that what you think, huh?

Sally O’Malley: Well, well, well, if it isn’t Neil, Kalvin and John.

Nick Jonas: Yeah, Nick, Joe and Kevin. And we came by because we the feeling they may not understand your new concept. So I wanted to show him.

[The Jonas brothers open their clothes, and inside they’re wearing similar outfit to Sally O’Malley.]

Sally O’Malley: You looking good boys. Now put some bonus in your Jonas. Now hit it Russell.

[music playing]

Hip, hip
arms, arms
now kick, stretch
kick, stretch, kick, stretch

Bowen: Wait a second. Wait a second. Oh my god. I am so sorry I ever doubted you, Sally. I see it now. You’re gonna put the boys on stage in packed stadiums around the world and they’re gonna..

Joe: Kick.

Kevin: Stretch.

Nick: And jump.

Sally O’Malley: Jump? Neil, you’re fired.

Joe: Wait a second, Sally. You can take his place.

Kevin: Yeah, that’s a great idea. Do you know any of her songs?

Sally O’Malley: Absolutely not. I’m 50 years old. 50.

The Hippo

Shana… Ego Nwodim

Keith… Woody Harrelson

Jonas… James Austin Johnson

Blake… Mikey Day

Chloe fineman

Blake: Guys, can I get my cast for a second? So I just got off the phone with the studio.

Shana: Oh no, God, was it about that potential writer’s strike?

Blake: No, worse. The geniuses at the studio are no longer interested in a gut wrenching drama about obesity. So they’re shutting the film down. It’s a wrap on “The Hippo”. Movie is dead, guys.

Chloe: What?

Shana: For real?

Jonas: Seriously?

Blake: And the worst part is I know how much work you all did to prepare for your roles.

Shana: Yeah, a lot. I shadow the therapist for two weeks to get into character, Blake.

Blake: I know. I know. And Jonas drew a beard, which I know he hates.

Jonas: I do. I hate it?

Blake: And for his role, Keith gained 450 pounds in six months.

Keith: Yeah, and sorry, just to be clear, that movie is officially dead? As in we’re not making it?

Blake: No, “The Hippo” will never see the light of day.

Keith: Ah, well, that is- That’s rough to hear.

Chloe: Wait, so if we’re not making the movie, that means I dyed my hair brown for nothing?

Blake: Hey, hey, hey, it’s fine. Okay? We’re all upset. Keith. You look like this is hitting you pretty hard too buddy.

Keith: Yeah, I gotta say this is really unfortunate for me, personally.

Shana: For all of us. We all sacrifice for this film. I shadowed that therapist on my own time. I can’t get those two weeks back.

Keith: Right. And I gained 450 real pounds in six months. That’s a big lifestyle change. I have something called Triabetes now. It’s the one after diabetes.

Jonas: And I have this goddamn beard. [kicks a stool] Sorry, it’s itchy and growing it was a horrible experience.

Keith: I can relate, because gaining 450 pounds in six months also was not fun. I had to eat something called gristle loaf. Does anyone know about this? It’s a brick compressed- You know, it’s a compressed be fat and corn syrup.

Chloe: I know exactly how you feel Keith. My hair is like so brittle from the brown dot.

Keith: But this is gristle loaf, by the way. It’s what they feed sick elephants at the zoo to get them back to their normal way. Ate nine of these a day because I thought I would win the Oscar.

Blake: Yeah, and you would have. Dammit. I should have seen this coming. Studio was fighting me from day one. Shana, did you know they wanted your part to be played by a white woman?

Shana: The sad thing is I’m not surprised.

Blake: And Jonas, they wanted to cut you out of act three.

Jonas: And then there’d be what? No resolution to the custody battle storyline? God they’re so afraid of original ideas.

Blake: And get this. Instead of gaining 450 pounds in six months, they wanted Keith wear a fat suit.

Keith: Was that an option?

Blake: Yeah. But I told them. I said “Keith is a method actor. He’s not going to wear a fat suit.”

Keith: Oh, yeah. I’m really kind of wish you brought me into that conversation.

Blake: Oh really? That’s my bad, man. I’m sorry guys, this whole thing is my bad. But look at least you guys are free. You okay?

[Keith sits on a couch]

At least you guys are free to do other projects, right? Like Keith, you had an offer for a Marvel movie, right?

Keith: I think that ship has sailed. I’m not exactly in X Men shape.

Mkey: Right, well, something else will come along. All right. Well, I do this on all my films guys. On our last day as set, we all say one thing this experience gave us. So I’ll go first. I have 28 new friends.

Jonas: I have one hell of a story.

Shana: I have a deeper respect for our craft.

Chloe: same.

Blake: Alright your turn Keith. I have…

Keith: … not seen my penis in four months.

Blake: Keith, you know what? Make that 29 new friends for me.

Keith: I wasn’t included in your original count?

Shana: Hey, did the studio same why they shut the movie down?

Blake: Oh, you’ll love this. They said the script is almost word for word the same as that Brendan Fraser movie “The whale”.

Jonas: Incredible film

Shana: I thought Brendan Fraser is going to win an Oscar.

Keith: Oh, good for him.

Dionne Warwick Talk Show Nick Jonas Dua Lipa

Dionne Warwick… Ego Nwodim

Britney… Punkie Johnson

The Weeknd… Kenan Thompson

Nick Jonas

Andrew Dismukes

Dua Lipa… Melissa Villaseñor

Machine Gun Kelly… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: She’s the very best. Gets it all off her chest. She’s multi-platinum and knows what’s happening. It’s the Dionne Warwick talk show.

[Cut to Dionne Warwick in her set]

Dionne Warwick: Hello. [cheers and applause] Welcome to the Dionne Warwick talk show. A show where I ask celebrities whatever I want to know. Thanks as alway to my producer and my niece, Britney.

Britney: Ay, glad to be here, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: And now, for today’s top new stories.

[music playing]

[singing] I know I’ll never love this way again
Hold on, hold on

Yeah. Thank you. Let’s bring out our first guest, the Weeknd.

[The Weeknd walks in]

Okay, what is your whole situation?

The Weeknd: Hi, I’m a performer. Maybe you saw me at the Super Bowl.

Dionne Warwick: Yes. You gave me vertigo. Now, Mr. Weeknd, you are addicted to plastic surgery, correct?

The Weeknd: Um, no.

Dionne Warwick: When you say, “I can’t feel my face”, is that coz it’s fake now?

The Weeknd: Oh, no. The plastic surgery wasn’t real.

Dionne Warwick: Okay now, here’s a question. Why are you from Canada?

The Weeknd: I don’t understand.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Okay. Alright. Thank you for participating. Wonderful. Goodbye. Take care. Yeah. [The Weeknd walks away] Alright. Fantastic. Well, my next guest is the reason all my assistants got blow outs today. Please welcome Nick Jonas.

[Nick Jonas walks in]

Nick Jonas: Thank you so much for having me.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. Explain yourself.

Nick Jonas: I’m Nick Jonas. I’m a coach on Voice.

Dionne Warwick: Yeah. I have heard that you are the most boring coach even though one of the other coaches is John Legend. How is that possible?

Nick Jonas: I don’t know.

Dionne Warwick: Now, you have a song “What a man gotta do”. What’s that about? Going down town? He’s got to do it.

Nick Jonas: I can’t argue with you there.

Dionne Warwick: Now, what is ‘cake by the ocean’? Who the hell wants to eat a sandy cake?

Nick Jonas: Well, that’s my brother’s song. But some people say it’s euphemism for sex on the beach.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Well, now I like your ass. Alright.

Nick Jonas: Again, not my bag.

Dionne Warwick: Alright, now, do you and your brothers ever fight?

Nick Jonas: Sometimes.

Dionne Warwick: Could you fight Windy Williams for me?

Nick Jonas: I don’t think so.

Dionne Warwick: Okay. Last question. [showing Priyanka Chopra’s photo] Your wife looks like this. Now, show us your penis.

Nick Jonas: I’m not gonna do that.

Dionne Warwick: Alright. Well, thank you for being here. [Nick Jonas walks out] Now, Britney, I was nominated for the Rock N’ Roll Hall of Fame. And I need enough votes to get in. Am I beating the Goo Goos?

Britney: Oh, not yet, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Foo Fighters?

Britney: Nope. No, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: What about Kate Buzz?

Britney: You kicking her butt, aunt Dionne.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, good. I don’t have to win but I cannot lost. Okay, now for our animal segment.

[music playing]

[Dionne Warwick walks towards Andrew. He is standing with a white parrot]

Andrew: Hi, Ms. Warwick. Today we’re going to–

Dionne Warwick: [singing and dancing] Keep smiling, keep shining
knowing you can always come for me
for sure, that’s what friends are for

Thank you.

[Dionne Warwick walks back to her seat]

Yeah. Alright. Let’s bring out our next guest, Dua Lipa.

[Dua Lipa walks in]

Dua Lipa, now, why would you make your name nasty? That Spanish for ‘two lips’. You are hussie in disguise.

Dua Lipa: That’s just my real name. Maybe you know me from my songs.

[singing] I got no rules–

Dionne Warwick: Okay. So, here’s a question. Lil’ Yachty. A yacht is supposed to be big. If you’re a little yacht, you are simply a boat.

Dua Lipa: Don’t know the answer to that.

Dionne Warwick: Now, Windy Williams once called you Dula Pip. My last question is, should we egg her house?

Dua Lipa: Sure.

Dionne Warwick: Okay, then. We gonna take my car, baby. [passing the car keys to Dua Lipa] Alright. Thank you for coming. [Dua Lipa walks out] Alright. Our next guest, I talked to him back stage and I am okay with this.

Britney: But auntie, you weren’t good with it the last time.

Dionne Warwick: No. No, no, no. Now, I’m alright. I understand he is a very nice fan. Let’s welcome Machine Gun Kelly.

[Machine Gun Kelly walks in]

Machine Gun Kelly: Hey!

Dionne Warwick: Na-na-na. Get hm out of here. He is too scary.

Britney: You said you were okay with it this time.

Dionne Warwick: Baby, I change my mind. He has got to go.

Machine Gun Kelly: Alright. Peace. Late. [walks out]

Dionne Warwick: Much better. Audience, okay. We’re at the best part of the show. Go ahead and look under your seats. Everybody gets a–

[music playing]

[singing] The moment I wake up

[The audience look under their seats]

Audience: It’s ticket to the Dionne Warwick talk show.

Dionne Warwick: That’s right. See you tomorrow.