Strange Kid Tales

Alan Daniels… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Jaron… Jonathan Majors

Marla Winters… Aidy Bryant

Dave Timkens… Alex Moffat

Ramona Garrett… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Sci Fi channel. Why?

[Cut to the show intro]

Alan: Alright, welcome back to Strange Kid Tales. The show where parents tell us paranormal stories about their kids. I hate hosting this show. But a paycheck’s a paycheck. I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?

Kenny: No. But we got to do it anyway.

Alan: Yep. Our first guest, Marla Winters and her son, Caden.

[Marla Winters and her son walk in]

So what’s going on with this little boy?

Marla: Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so perceptive. And it’s like, he can see other worldly things that we can’t see.

Alan: What does that mean?

Marla: Oh, well, like the other day, we were walking by a cemetery.

Alan: No.

Marla: And he starts waving at someone. Only there’s no one there.

Alan: Do not like it.

Marla: So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he says, “The man in the red jacket.”

Alan: The in the what now?

Marla: And the weird part is–

Alan: Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?

Marla: When I was tucking him in that night, he waved at the corner of his bedroom, and I said, “Who are you waving at now?” And he goes, “The man in the red jacket.” He followed us home.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats.]

Alan and Kenny: No. No, no, no, no.

Alan: Alright. Thank you for being here. But you gotta go. Alright. Let’s keep it moving.

Kenny: Do we have to?

Alan: Yes.

Kenny: Okay.

Alan: All right. Our next guests are Dave Timkens and his six year old son, Max.

[Dave Timkens and his son walk in]

No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t even said a word.

Kenny: There’s nothing behind his eyes. [The kid, Alan and Kenny stare at each other]

Alan: Alright. So why don’t you just tell me your kid’s tale, man?

Dave: Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I was watching a World War II doc. They were showing footage of these fighter planes, and out of the blue Max turns to me and says, “When I was old, I flew a plane like that.”

Alan: When he was old? He said when he was old?

Kenny: Nah!

Alan: That is not a sentence I want coming out of a child’s mouth.

Dave: Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here was a World War II fighter pilot. Tell him which aircraft carrier you served on pal.

Max: The Natoma.

Kenny: He knows the name of the ship.

Alan: He knows the name of the ship.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a really vivid memory of his plane getting shot down and going underwater. Tell him what happened next.

Max: I died.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: Oh, man! Come on! Come on. He said he died. And now he here? Take that demon child away from here. Man, I do not like this show. I don’t like these tales.

Kenny: I’m out. I quit.

Alan: You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t listen to the spooky stories by myself.

Kenny: Alright, back. Maybe the last kid won’t be as creepy.

Alan: Yeah, maybe.

Kenny: Okay. Let’s see. You good?

Alan: Yeah, I’m good. You good?

Kenny: Yes.

Alan: Alright. Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona Garrett and her daughter… Oh, hell. Coraline. Alright. So, what’s going on with this little Wednesday Adams?

Ramona: So, a few months ago Coraline started singing the song I’d never heard. I said, “Who taught you that?” She said, “The old lady who comes into my room at night.”

Kenny: No.

Ramona: She said, it’s her imaginary friend. But then we were looking through an old family photo album and there was a picture of her great grandmother who died 15 years ago. [Alan and Kenny are all teared up] And Coraline points to the photo and says, “That’s the woman who sings to me at night.”

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary friends are ghosts. Alright. That’s it. This is our last show. We are done.

Ramona: Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear that. [looking at her daughter] Wait. Who are you staring at?

Coraline: [pointing behind Alan and Kenny] The man in the red jacket?

[[Alan and Kenny slowly turns back. There’s a man in the red jacket. They run out.]

Pastor Announcement

Harold… Kenan Thompson

Pastor… Jonathan Majors

Carolyn… Ego Nwodim

Corinne… Aidy Bryant

Christine… Melissa Villaseñor

George… Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Pastor at a church podium]

Harold: You get what you give
and it’s all how you use it

[Pastor and Carolyn walk forward]

Pastor: Wow. Wow. Thank you, Herold, for that beautiful rendition of god is a DJ by P.

Carolyn: Um-hmm. And it’s our honor and pleasure to welcome you to the first damn Baptist Church.

Pastor: I am Pastor JR Jr. and this is my wife Carolyn. We’re so glad to be with you today.

Carolyn: And it’s so good to see you again, sister Corinne. You’re looking much better.

Corinne: Thank you. I had a facelift.

Pastor: Now, the First Lady and I have an announcement because we have no secrets in this church. Can I get an Amen?

All: Amen.

Carolyn: Now, we have shared 24 beautiful years of marriage. And also last year. Can I get an oh no?

All: Oh, no.

Pastor: That’s right. Till death do us part. And since I can’t kill this woman, I have decided that we are going to open up our marriage.

Carolyn: That’s right. Hallelu-we-are open for business.

Pastor: And it’s hard. It’s hard to talk about in front of the congregation, not because it’s wrong, but because we are only romantically interested in some of you.

Carolyn: Those people have already been notified via perfumed invitation. If you did not receive an invitation. I’m sorry, it’s gonna be a no for me, dog.

Harold: Well, what the hell is wrong with me?

Pastor: Harold, I’m sorry. We just don’t see you that way.

Harold: Well, I am shocked.

Christine: I’m excited to maybe date you guys. So how will this work?

Pastor: We’ll be on many apps. For example, Tinder.

Carolyn: Grindr.

Pastor: Hinge.

Carolyn: Google Earth.

Pastor: Angie’s List.

Carolyn: Coffee Meets Penis.

Pastor: And anyone can invite us to Raya, please do.

Harold: Well, I’m on Raya.

Carolyn: No, you’re not, Harold.

Harold: You right.

George: I have a question. Um, open marriage? Is that what I have?

Pastor: No, George, you are just cheating on your wife.

George: Well, do you think she knows?

Punkie: Well, I do now.

Pastor: If you’re wondering where all this came from, we were talking about our hall passes, and she said hers was Barack Obama.

Carolyn: Then he said his list Travis who sings bass in the church choir.

Pastor: And she said, “You know what? I want to change mine to Travis.”

Travis: Wait. I’m Travis.

Carolyn: Correct. It’s something about you. You’re weird, but in a sexy way.

Travis: Aw. Amen.

Pastor: I’m shocked. You’re also engaged right now because certainly some of us are preaching and I don’t get a “Yes, Pastor”, not a “Amen, Pastor.”

Christine: [wearing her lipstick] Yes, Pastor.

Pastor: Christine. Did you just put on a bunch of lipstick?

Christine: That depends. Do you like it?

Carolyn: Now, what are y’all even doing?

Corinne: [showing her cleavage] Well, my shirt fell down.

George: [showing his stomach] My shirt rolled up.

Carolyn: Alright. Now, y’all just being thirsty.

Pastor: Don’t throw it at us. Why don’t you go around and tell us why you think you should be our first.

Harold: [standing] Alright.

Carolyn: Harold, you wanna sit your ass down.

Pastor: We value your friendship too much.

Harold: I know what that means. Friendzoned by my pastor.

Pastor: You know, actually before y’all answer, why don’t we tell you what we’re into. So, here’s a list of the role plays we enjoy. Doctor-nurse.

Carolyn: Girl dog-boy dog.

Pastor: Baseball manager and umpire in a fight.

Carolyn: Jenna and Hodor.

Corinne: But, do you mean Hoda?

Carolyn: I sure don’t.

Pastor: Now, in terms of lovemaking.

Carolyn: Positions we enjoy include missionary. List is over. You have to know we are pastors.

Harold: You sure? Coz I’ve got these nimble organ fingers.

Carolyn: Harold, shut your ass up. You have one job, play the organ.

Harold: One day I’m gonna walk out that door and you are going to miss this.

Carolyn: No. Alright. Well, we got to go ahead and wrap this up. We’ve got our first date with a nice lady who works at a chicken fillet. And today his holiday off it’s Sunday.

Pastor: Can I get my freak on?

All: Freak on! Amen.

March of the Suitors

Assistant… Mikey Day

Queen… Chloe Fineman

Thomas… Kyle Mooney

Rafi… Andrew Dismukes

Josephine… Cecily Strong

Milk Maker… Heidi Gardener

Lady Eloise… Aidy Gardner

Prince Harwey… Jonathan Majors

Archanbald… Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Tawnie… Punkie Johnson

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the History Channel. At nine it’s “Pardon My Reich: Hitler’s Personal Waiters”. Now we return to “Forgotten Monarchs”.

Male voice: Queen Matilda the First assumed the throne at the age of 19. Within days of a coronation, the search for husband began with a tradition known as the march of the suitors.

[Cut to queen with her assistants.]

Assistant: My queen, men of both noble and common blood have come from far and wide to win your hand. Are you ready to greet your suitors?

Queen: Um, sure.

Assistant: The Queen says sure. [claps] And now let the march begin. First, oh dear, how uncomfortable my leash, presenting the Queen’s guy friend who’s in love with her, but she doesn’t like him in that way. Thomas of Sneed Lo.

[Thomas walks in]

Thomas: Wow, you look gorgeous

Queen: I told you Thomas. I don’t like you like that.

Thomas: At least tell me what I could change about myself for you to consider marrying me.

Queen: I mean, literally all of it.

Thomas: Okay, I can work with that. Hey, remember our inside joke? Strawberry food.

Queen: No. Thomas. Please just go.

Assistant: No. Next, oh, a commoner my leash. Presenting peasant boy Rafi Buckets and his dirty mother Josephine Buckets.

[Rafi Buckets and his mother walk in]

Josephine: Well, I will not tell you, miss. My son Rafi I know so much. He poor and dumb and filthy. But this idiot got a huge sausage. We figure it out when he wasn’t even born. Alright, the milk maker too. She’s seen it.

Milk Maker: It’s crazy, my lady. Thank you, my lady.

Josephine: Do you wanna take a peek? Drop your pants loose, boy. Show him.

Lady Eloise: Oh! Behold! The new king of England!

Queen: No. No. No. No. It takes more than that to win my heart. Farewell.

Lady Eloise: My grace. No one has more than that.

Assistant: Lady Eloise! Next from the Moroccan shores, presenting the mighty warrior Prince, Harwey, the conqueror.

[Prince Harwey walks in with Archanbald playing the drums]

Archanbald: All hail. Prince Harwey.

Prince Harwey: Your Majesty. As your king, I will spoil you with Rich’s, loyalty and of course, pleasure.

Archanbald: Prince Harwey, the great satisfier of women.

TawnieEgo: I’ll be damned. I’m sorry, your Highness. This isn’t a rich Prince. This is my dumbass husband, Dave. A two cans salesman with six kids.

Assistant: Shall I send them away my leash?

Queen: No. Let them say. I love the drama.

Ego: So, what’s up Dave? You got a seven year itch? So you’re joining the march of the damn suttas? Dressed up in a stupid ass BONE ARMOR and get your idiot best friend and bang a drum and call you mighty Prince Harwey?

Archanbald: Um, Prince Harwey?

Ego: Shut up, Archanbald. What the hell are you doing Dave?

Prince Harwey: Being stupid.

Ego: Yeah, being stupid. That’s all you have to say?

Prince Harwey: You look pretty.

Ego: Boy, shut up. We’re going home prince Who-Ha, great satisfier of women. This way. I’m gonna satisfy really.

Assistant: My leash. Next, presenting lady Tawnie of Milford Shile.

[Tawnie walks in]

Tawnie: Love. I noticed a long shot but I thought, “Hey, you know, this girl cute as hell, man.” I might as well just moss my lazy ass all down to the castle and see if she down to clown around.

Queen: I know I like boys. But whenever I have wine I always end up making out with my girlfriends.

Lady Eloise: She does. It’s a thing.

Queen: So, come to the world feasts tonight and we’ll see what happens. Yeah?

Tawnie: Well, this day just got nuts.

Male voice: When we return the story of Mad Queen Tawnie The Terrible

Audacity in Advertising Awards

Jake… Jonathan Majors

Flo… Heidi Gardner

Intern… Andrew Dismukes

Human Friend… Alex Moffat

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Fox Con Empathy is the Audacity in Advertising Awards. With your hosts Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive.

[Jake and Flo walk in]

Flo: Good evening.

Jake: Commercials, they’re tiny movies they play during TV. I love being the face of StateFarm.

Flo: And I signed 100 billion year contract with Progressive and I love that too.

Jake: We’re here tonight to crown the winners of the 2021 Audacity and Advertising awards.

Flo: Also known as the Pepsi’s.

Jake: The Commercials make us buy, make us cry. They make a shout, “How dare you and our TVs?”

Flo: Because these days it’s no longer enough to ask where’s the beef? We must also ask how can it be diversity? We’re so excited to celebrate the most egregious ads of the year. Our first nominee is a moving conversation between a father and son.

[Cut to the commercial. Intern is talking to his dad online.]

Son: Did mom know?

Father: She knew. We still loved each other. I never felt like it was right for me to come out while you guys were still kids. I don’t know what to say.

Son: It’s okay, dad. I miss mom.

Father: Me too. [crying] I’ve wasted my life.

Female voice: Facebook Portal. Share something real.

[cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Wow. That must have sold a lot of Facebooks.

Flo: Truly stunning.

Jake: We’ll be seeing more of these later in the evening.

Flo: We have so many amazing awards to give out tonight. Like ‘most outrageous use of sign language’ and ‘don’t you make landmines?’

Jake: But first one of my favorite categories, Flo it’s so exciting when you can tell a company doesn’t know how it’s received.

Flo: It can be even more exciting when it feels like they aren’t even sure what it is the thing that they do.

Jake: Here are the nominees for using what to sell what?

[Cut to the ad.]

Flo: Dolphin covered in oil, thrashes in pain, kind fisherman comes and wipes it off. BP.

Jake: Children hold hands over borer wall. O’Neill’s Titanium Border Walls.

Flo: Two undocumented lesbians getting prison married. Sargento cheese.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: And the winner is … BP. The ad execs of this company prefer not to come up here tonight because they are embarrassed. Here to accept the award on their behalf is their newest intern.

[Intern walks to the stage and accepts the award]

Intern: Oh, wow. Oh, man. Thank you. This is crazy. Oh, I started two days ago and now I’m on TV. I want to thank my supervisor for showing me where the free Clif Bars are. And yeah, that’s the only person I’ve met. Go interns. Whooo!

Jake: Thank you.

Flo: He will go far. And now on a more serious note, companies can’t last forever. Let’s take a moment to remember the ones we sadly lost this year.

[Cut to commercials]

Quibi, tubi, vubu, boopi, titi, Duku and fupa TV. We will miss most of you.

Jake: And now, here to present the category you’ve all been waiting for. Please welcome the Limu Emu and his human friend.

[Cut to Limu Emu and Human Friend]

Human Friend: Hey, everybody. Yeah, glad to be here. Limu Emu, anything to add?

Limu Emu: Aflac.

Human Friend: Dude, stop. That’s not us. I told you that. God I hate that we’re married. Oh my god. Nope. Nope. Here are the nominees for most egregious ad of the year 2021.

[Cut to the commercials]

Melissa: When I was little, my school burned in a fire. Ever since then, I’ve dreamed of being a fireman. Driving for Amazon gives me the flexibility to go to firefighter school online while I drive. Today, I’m on my way to being a real firefighter. God bless you Amazon.

Female voice: Amazon, god bless us.

[Cut to another commercial]

Female voice: This baby is trans, Feliz Navidad, from the Sacklers.

[Cut back to Jake and Flo]

Jake: Wow. Absolutely Craven.

Flo: We’ll be back with the winner and other exciting categories.

Male voice: Up next, a performance from Renee Fleming of the music from 1-877-Kars-4-Kids.

Broadway Benefit

Aidy Bryant

Brad… Kyle Mooney

Brick… Bowen Yang

Bliab… Cecily Strong

Tennyson Hartley… Jonathan Majors

[Starts with audience talking to each other at Broadway Benefit.]

Aidy: Well, thanks for buying the tickets to this Broadway Benefit, Brad.

Brad: Well, they’ve been closed for a year for covid. I wanted to support. So, the headliners are life in brick. Who are they again?

Aidy: Oh, just two of the biggest Broadway legends ever. [to daughter] Honey. Mommy used to come to see this review every holiday season when she was a little girl. It’s fun for the whole family.

Brad: Oh, look, it’s starting.

[Cut to the show. Brick walks to Bliab who is sitting at a table drinking martini]

Bliab: Brig, you son of a bitch. What the hell are you doing in my house?

Brick: Oh, you gave me a set of keys when you were blacked out drunk. Blaib. Remember, you batty brah?

Bliab: Oh, if you’re gonna flirt with me like that, I hope you brought rubbers.

Brick: Hah! Not in this lifetime, you cow.

Brad:  Are you sure this is appropriate for kids?

Aidy: Yeah. It’s a little harder than I remember. But my parents brought me every year. So, don’t worry. The songs are really cute.

Brick: So, what are you getting up to, Bliab, besides drugs?

Bliab: Oh, you’re the one to talk?

Brick: Well, why talk when we can sing?

Bliab: You go for dough

Brick: Well, you like pills

Bliab: Well, you love powder

Brick: We both love powder

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs
Sound go for dots, some go for weed

Bliab: Some girls like acid

Brick: This boy likes speed

Brick and Bliab: Everybody today is doing drugs

Brad: Is this whole song about drugs? Your parents really brought you to this?

Aidy: I guess I didn’t really know what it meant. It’s fine. It’s going over her head.

Brad: Okay, who’s that man crawling through the window?

Brick and Bliab: Dad’s legend, Tennyson Hartley, as I live and breathe.

Tennyson: Did I miss the party?

Brick: Why didn’t you just talk through the door?

Tennyson: Because, I’m high as a kite.

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Some say, if you feel a little down
you simply go right into town

Brick: And get yourself some candy

Tennyson: He means nose candy

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: You don’t have the money you can get a little handy

Brad: No. No, no, no, no. That’s not okay. We shouldn’t go.

Aidy: Well, but Tennyson is about to dance and that’s what he’s known for. He’s incredible.

[Tennyson is dancing and it’s a very bad dance]

Brick: Wow!

Bliab: You still got it, Tennyson.

Tennyson: Hey, I know Christmas is still away but why don’t we do our secret Santa early?

Brick: Sure! I got you coke.

Tennyson: I got you blunt.

Bliab: Oh, I got you too.

Brick: And I got you snow.

Bliab: Coke, coke, coke
I’m into the speedy snow

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Coke, coke, coke, coke, cocaine!
Some day, that there’s not better type of high

the shooting speed right in your eye
but don’t tell the cop

Tennyson: I might have taken poppers

Bliab: I did so much LSD

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Nobody can stop her
K is fine
T is swell
I don’t know how qualu spell
I guess some more of obotune

Tennyson: We’ll smoke anything off a bong

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Snort, sniff, pot
and you’ll feel like you could jump off a building and survive

everyone today is using

Brick: Which bobbins array you choosing?

Tennyson: I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna jump off the building.

Brick: No. Tennyson!

Brick, Bliab and Tennyson: Everybody today is doing drugs. 

Aidy: I am so sorry. I guess it’s not for kids at all.

Brad: [to daughter] You okay, Sally? We can go.

Sally: Are you kidding? I got goosebumps.

Brad: And a theater lover is born! [clapping]