Tag: Jordan

Michael B. Jordan Monologue

Michael B. Jordan

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Michael B. Jordan.

[Michael B. Jordan walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Michael B. Jordan: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so happy to be here. My name is Michael B. Jordan. But tonight, Michael B hosting. Michael B joking. And honestly, Michael B nervous. Michael B vulnerable. But don’t worry, Michael B alright. Because Michael B in therapy.

It’s been a great week here in SNL. Yesterday, I had a crazy full circle moment. We pre shot some videos for the show. And when I got to the studio, I realized it was the exact same place where I shot one of my first acting roles on the soap opera “All my children”. I was 16 years old. Here’s a clip.

[Cut to old video clip]

Michael B. Jordan: I told you in the beginning that you set the pace.

Female actress: So you’re not mad?

Michael B. Jordan: No. Most of the times, the animal and me just kiss kind of crazy. [howling] [cut back to SNL stage]

Michael B. Jordan: Pretty sure I hit puberty mid how. That was 2003. And now 20 years later, I just directed my very first movie Creed III. Right after that, I went through my very  first public breakup. Now most people after a breakup are like, “I’m gonna get in better shape.” But I was already in Creed shape. So I had to be like, “Alright, I guess I’ll learn a new language.” Anyway, [foreign language]. After the break up, everyone thought I was so heartbroken because when the news came out, I was at a basketball game and they caught me looking like this. [picture of him at a basketball game appears] Look, I was just chilling, but the internet decided that that was me being sad. Luckily for me, if you Google sad Michael Jordan, the first 8000 results are this. [picture of Michael Jordan crying appears] [Chloe Fineman walks in laughing]

Chloe Fineman: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hey Michael.

Michael B. Jordan: What’s up, Chloe?

Chloe Fineman: I know you’re single, but did you know that I’m single?

Michael B. Jordan: But don’t date that hot writer?

Chloe Fineman: Not if you’re available. Hey, could you remind me how to spell your number?

[Heidi Gardner jumps in]

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Chloe, don’t you have to go away?

Chloe Fineman: Oh, I’m sorry, bitch.

Heidi Gardner: Hey, Mikey B. Mind if I call you Mikey B?

Michael B. Jordan: I’d rather you not.

Heidi Gardner: Ou, a man who knows what he wants. I like that. You know, I have a Creed poster in my bedroom.

Michael B. Jordan: Oh, nice. I always dreamed of people having my own poster up on the wall.

Heidi Gardner: Yeah. Wall, ceiling, printed onto a body pillow, whatever.

[Ego Nwodim jumps in wearing a wedding dress]

Ego Nwodim: Excuse me. Gone bitch. Hey, Michael. I didn’t even know you were out here.

Michael B. Jordan: You didn’t know I’d be on stage delivering my own monologue?

Ego Nwodim: Sorry, I was just taking a walk around the studio and I just threw on. On my god, is this a wedding dress? I guess we could technically get married right now then.  Huh?

Michael B. Jordan: That’s not how that works.

Ego Nwodim: Aww, our first fight. Should we have a makeup sex?

Michael B. Jordan: That ain’t gonna happen.

Ego Nwodim: Fine, Michael.

[Punkie Johnson walks in]

Punkie Johnson: Michael, Michael, Michael. Boy, you looking fine as ever as always.

Michael B. Jordan: What you doing, Punkie?

Punkie Johnson: I got the same suit like you got.

Michael B. Jordan: Come on, come on. Aren’t you gay?

Punkie Johnson: I am. But you Michael B. Jorda. And I’m Punkie B. curious. I mean, even vegans got cheat days, right?

Michael B. Jordan: No, they don’t.

Punkie Johnson: Ha-ha-ha. Boy, you’re so funny. I’ll see you at the after party, baby.

Michael B. Jordan: Look, I just want to say I’m so grateful to be standing on this stage. You know, sometimes I can take myself a little too seriously. But tonight, I’m gonna have fun. I’m just gonna go for it. It maybe, just maybe, let the inner animal get a little crazy. All right? [howling]  We got a great show for you tonight. Lil’ Baby is here. So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Del Taco Shoot

Douglas… Kyle Mooney

Miranda… Chloe Fineman

Beck Bennett

Adam Driver

Jordan… Chris Redd

[Starts with Douglas and Miranda in a studio]

Douglas: So cool, right?

Miranda: Yeah, congrats on the gig. It’s actually a really fun commercial.

Douglas: Hey, I’m just here for check. Kidding!

Miranda: Ha-ha. True.

[Beck walks in]

Beck: Hello actors. Douglas, Miranda, thanks for being here. We’re so lucky we got our first choices.

Miranda: Oh, that’s so nice.

Douglas: That’s awesome.

Beck: Yeah. So, listen. Del Taco’s VP branding is here today. And he is very excited about their buck and under menu.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: Happy to be here. Have a good day.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, ready to give it a try?

Miranda: Yeah! Let’s do it.

Douglas: Definitely, yes. I almost didn’t make it today coz I almost stopped at Del Taco on the way.

Beck: Ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to Adam]

Adam: [laughing] Ya, save that. that’s funny.

[Cut to Douglas, Miranda and Beck]

Beck: Alright, I’ll take these scripts. Jordan, ready to roll?

[Cut to Jordan behind the camera]

Jordan: Ready when you are, boss.

[Adam walks behind the camera]

Beck: Okay, quite on set. And, action.

[Cut to Douglas and Miranda] [music playing]

Miranda: Um-um. this Del Taco is amazing. You gotta get some.

Douglas: Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.

Miranda: Well, with Del Taco buck and under menu, you can get all this–

[Cut to Beck and Jordan]

Beck: Okay, you know, let’s hold that there.

[Adam walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Sorry to interrupt. Um, Miranda, that was great. Douglas, what we’re trying to get here is that you’re hungry but you’re all out of cash. So it’s like, “Oh, man! I’m all out of cash.”

Douglas: Okay.

Beck: Try that. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, it’s like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Sort of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s kind of like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: It’s more of, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, right, right. So, it’s “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No.

[Cut to Adam, Beck and Douglas]

Adam: Mark, can I talk to you?

Beck: Yes, sir.

[Beck walks to Adam]

Adam: He’s bad. He’s very, very bad. He should be fun and lively. It’s a buck and under menu for crying out loud. He should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: Exactly! That’s perfect. Okay, I’ll handle it.

[Beck walks to Douglas and Miranda]

Miranda, killing it. Douglas, you’re kind of freaking us out. Coz you don’t want it to be bad, right?

Douglas: No, sir.

Beck: Alright. So, maybe it’s brighter.

Douglas: Oh,okay.

Beck: Yeah, we were thinking it’s kind if like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Got it. Yeah, yeah.

Beck: Yeah, let’s hear it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Adam walks in]

Adam: No, you don’t wanna kill yourself. You just want a taco. It should be like, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: Oh, okay.

Adam: Now, say it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: You’re not a pervert.

Beck: He’s got to get out of his head.

Adam: I think we just gotta beat the hell out of this guy.

Beck: No. No, no, no. We can’t.

Adam: Oh, crap! Crap! Crap! Crap!

Beck: I know. Wait, wait! I’ve got an idea. Dougie, you gotta get out of your head and in your body. Loosen up, alright? Come on. [jumping] Hoo! Hoo! “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: [jumping with Beck] “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, you’re still tight. You gotta loose it up. Drop your pants. Pull it down. Get it off your body. Now breathe deep through your butt hole. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Beck: No, no, no. Squat into it. Squat into it. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No, you’re still reading like you’re a pervert. Put your shirt over like cornholio.

Douglas: Yes sir.

Adam: Alright, “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: No.

Beck: Dougie, you gotta slow it down. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Now he’s saying like he’s hard.

Douglas: Sorry sir. “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Just throw out away.”Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes, that’s it. One more time.

Douglas: “Ah, man! I’m all out of cash!”

Adam: Yes! Nailed it. Finally.

Beck: Did we get that?

[Cut to Jordan]

Jordan: No!

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: It doesn’t matter. Great day people. That’s a wrap!

[The End]

Easter Candy

Michael Keaton

Portia… Kate McKinnon

Jordan… Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with an Easter basket and a rabbit] [Cut to Michael inside a house]

Michael: Oh, hi. [Michael pulls out an Easter basket] Well, it’s that time again, everybody. It’s Easter. Let’s see what’s in our Easter basket. Hmm… This… this is an Easter egg guys. I think it’s eggs. This… [Michael gets a stuffed rabbit] this is a blush bunny rabbit. I call him Glenny, after Glenn Close. Yesterday was good Friday. But this… [Michael shows a DVD of the TV show ‘Friday’] this is the best Friday. [Michael looks away] Hey, Portia, how’s it going over there?

[Cut to Michael and Portia. Portia is wearing bunny ears on her.]

Portia: Good.

Michael: What… what are you doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: I’m hiding eggs. [Portia takes an egg from the bucket and hits it on the wall.] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: [giggling] How cute is she? The answer is, “Kind of.” And for our Jewish friends, [Michael gets a bread] this is unleavened bread. Which means, unlike Jesus, it doesn’t rise. Jesus one, bread nothing. [Michael throws away the bread.]

Oh, look here. [Michael gets the chocolate egg] This is a Cadbury egg. I gave these up for Lance last year. You know what they gave up this year? Cocaine… Almost.

Hey, Portia, what have you got over there?

[Cut to Portia holding a chick]

Portia: A child chicken.

[Cut to Michael and Portia]

Michael: Where did you find it?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Hmm, he found me. Online.

[Cut to Michael]

Michael: Yikes! In here, oh yeah, this. [Michael gets a marshmallow]  Here’s marshmallow peep. I coughed this out whole this morning.

[looks nicely at the camera]

Something’s wrong with me. And these… [Michael gets the Jordan almonds] these are Jordan almonds. And, this is my friend Jordan.

[Jordan walks in]

He’s not an almond but he’s a nut. Show em’

[Jordan makes weird noises and leaves]

Yeah, told ya’! Hey, Portia, what’s your chic doing?

[Cut to Portia]

Portia: Um, I think he’s hungry. Eat your own nugget.

[Portia gives chicken nugget to a chic ] [audience screaming ‘Aw!’] [Cut to Michael]

Michael: Wow. This kid has all the warning signs.

[Michael gets a small Santa]

Oh, look at this. Look at this. Santa. What’s this little turkey doing in here? Ha-ha-ha. We got work for you. Attention whore!

[Michael gets a stuffed monkey]

This is an Easter monkey. They say we descended from this. Yeah right! [Michael throws the stuffed monkey away]

And this is a chocolate bunny. [Michael gets the chocolate bunny] It’s actually hollow. Some people like the solid ones, but then, how are you gonna get your wiener in there?

Oh, boy. Look at this. [someone gives Michael a cocktail] Egg salad cosmo. Yeah! Don’t mind if I do.

Happy Easter everybody. [Portia walks behind Michael] Happy Easter Portia.

Portia: Happy Easter Michael Keaton.

[Jordan comes in and makes weird sound again]