Tag: Judge

Jurors

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Andrew Dismukes

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Hubbard… Marcello Hernandez

[Starts with an attorney debating at the courtroom]

Andrew: So with that said, Mr. Hubbard could not have been at the scene of the crime. Your witness.

Judge: Thank you, counsel. Moving on to cross examination, prosecution has the court.

Heidi: So Mr. Hubbard, on the night of your wife’s disappearance, what did you do?

Mr. Hubbard: I called the police.

Heidi: Really? Because records show that you did not. [Jurors making humming noise] And in fact the police didn’t show up until your neighbors call. [Jurors making humming noise] And when the forensic team examined your clothing, they found traces of blood. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Order. Order in the court. You don’t need any vocal reactions from the jury.

Amy: Oh, us?

Sarah: Us?

Bowen: Oh, so sorry. We just did not expect traces of blood.

Judge: Prosecution, the floor is yours.

Heidi: For the forensic investigation, the victim was found with multiple lacerations to her abdomen. [Jurors making shocked noise]

Judge: Do we need to take a recess?

Bowen: Oh, no, no, it’s just getting good.

Sarah: I’m seriously at the edge of my seat. Like, look at me, I’m shaking. Look at me. I’m shaking.

Amy: Me too. My heart’s beating so fast. My Apple Watch thinks I’m like getting steps.

Judge: Order in the court or I will hold you in contempt.

Amy: Guys?

Bowen: Did you hear that? Contempt.

Amy: Contempt, guys.

Judge: All right, prosecution, please, on to your next line of questioning.

Heidi: Yes, your Honor. Mr. Hubbard, you claim that you were at the office on the 14th but as the defense was saying— Looking at the jury, I’m sorry, what are you guys doing now?

Amy: Oh, we’re posing for the sketch artist.

Bowen: Yeah, could you please justify us.

Mr. Hubbard: I’m up for the death penalty.

Bowen: Oh my god, now the murderer is yelling at us.

Amy: Oh my god. I’m like crazy triggered. Can I just like lie down and look at my phone for a little while?

Judge: Order. Jurors, this is your final warning.

Bowen: Okay, now the judge is trying to silence three women of color.

Heidi: Okay, can we please move on? As I was saying—

Bowen: Oh my god, wait, I’m literally so bored.

Amy: Yeah. Can we just put on music or something?

All: Midnights.

[singing] Midnight, I stay up
I’m Taylor Swift

Judge: That is not a song for midnight. That is a song from Fun.

Heidi: I just need to finish my cross exam. Mr. Hubbard? How do you explain the steak knife that was missing from your set?

Mr. Hubbard: It had been missing since we moved in.

Heidi: Really? Because in a storm drain nearby, detectives found this supposedly missing knife. Bailiff, show the court Exhibit B.

Bailiff: It’s not in here.

Amy: Oh my god, did you need this? [Amy is cutting a steak with the knife] I’m sorry this chicken cacciatore is tough.

Judge: Alright, that is it. Your three are in contempt of court for disorderly conduct.

Amy: Wait, wait. Sorry, but like real quick, who am I? [acts like she’s stabbing someone]

Sarah and Bowen: Oh! Oh! [pointing at Mr. Hubbard] You’re him.

Sarah: Okay. And who am I? [acts dead]

Judge: Oh, you’re the dead wife.

Heidi: Your honor, she’s using the murder weapon to cut up her saucy chicken.

Amy: Okay, relax, because I can barely even cut through this chicken any way. Wait a minute.

Bowen: The lawyer lady is saying he killed her with that knife.

Amy: But the knife isn’t even sharp enough…

Judge: To cut through her chicken cacciatore.

Sarah: Which means…

All: He’s innocent.

Mr. Hubbard: That’s what I’ve been saying.

All: Hurray.

Weekend Update Senator Marsha Blackburn on Judge Jacksons Confirmation Hearings

Colin Jost

Marsha Blackburn… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Several Republican senators were criticized for asking irrelevant sensational questions during the Supreme Court confirmation hearing of Judge Ketanji Brown Jackson, here to comment is one of those senators, Marsha Blackburn.

[Marsha Blackburn slides in]

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, Colin. Wow. What a week.  All anyone is talking about are these confirmation hearings. Oh we crushed it. So many great smart questions. Are babies racist? Is murder bad? And those are real questions that my fellow Republicans asked an adult judge.

Colin Jost: Right, right. And what did you ask her?

Marsha Blackburn: Oh, I hit her with the coup de grâce? You ready for this? Define woman.

Colin Jost: Define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Define woman. She couldn’t do it. I mean, hah?

Colin Jost: Well, kind of have a nuanced complicated question.

Marsha Blackburn: Complicated how?

Colin Jost: Well okay, how do you define woman?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you jerking my perm? You honestly don’t know? Colin, It’s simple. It’s biology, Colin, okay? It’s your private parts. But the ones you have when you’re born, but just the bottom private parts because the top ones can like– Or not. You know what? Okay, I’m gonna do– It’s your period. Got to have your period. Unless you’re old or young or pregnant or stressed out or doing gymnastics. No, you know what? Scratch that. I’m going back to baby privates. Final answer.

Colin Jost: Baby privates.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, it’s not just biology. Okay. Woman is cheerleader, nurse, teacher, prostitute. Come on, you’ve seen them. They’re always cold, they’re the ones that be shopping.

Colin Jost: I really don’t know what you’re talking about.

Marsha Blackburn: Colin, yes, you do. You know woman is like, “Ah, ah, ah”, and man is like, “Oh, oh, oh.”

Colin Jost: Oh my god. You are not making any sense.

Marsha Blackburn: You are just not getting it. Let me show you. Oh, yes. Don’t we love these big stupid dumb ass boards? [pulls in a board] These big stupid dumbass pictures. Okay, come on. Look how simple it is. The color pink. The ones would be have hair does in the far side. Longer thinner cigarettes. They’re having fun dancing around in a commercial for underwear you can pee in. Did you get it, yet?

Colin Jost: I think I get it less.

Marsha Blackburn: Okay, well.

Colin Jost: Why is defining woman even relevant to a confirmation hearing?

Marsha Blackburn: Are you kidding? It is the most important thing for a Supreme Court justice. Because if you don’t know what a woman is, how the hell you’re gonna take her rights away? Can I get an Amen?

Colin Jost: No. Marsha Blackburn everyone.

Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Mr Chicken Legs Pageant

Denise Poots… Cecily Strong

Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page

Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman

Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day

Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes

Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson

Judge… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with the show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.

[Cut to the show]

Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs
Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs

[cheers and applause] [Troy Duggins and Minnie Marko walk in]

Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.

Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”

Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?

Minnie Marko: Yeah.

Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.

Minnie Marko: Agree.

Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?

[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]

Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.

Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.

Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.

Minnie Marko: Totally.

Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.

Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.

[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]

Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?

Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.

Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.

[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]

That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?

Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.

Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.

Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!

Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.

[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]

Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.

[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]

Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.

Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.

Courtroom

Plaintiff’s attorney… Cecily Strong

Mr. Miller… Mikey Day

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Defendant’s attorney … Donald Glover

[Starts with plaintiff’s attorney asking Mr. Miller questions in the court]

Plaintiff’s attorney: One final question, Mr. Miller and I know this has been a difficult experience to relive.

Mr. Miller: It has.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Do you feel that you are in any way at fault for your friends and family being eaten?

Mr. Miller: Of course, not. All I know is that I miss them.

Plaintiff’s attorney: Hmm. All he knows is that he misses them. No further questions.

Judge: Your witness?

Defendant’s attorney: Thank you, your honor. [Defendant’s attorney stands and walks to Mr. Miller] All he knows is that he misses them. And that might be true but that is not why we are here today. We re hereto determine whether my client, Jurassic Park, the beautiful island full of real life dinosaurs, is responsible for the death of Mr. Miller’s friends and family when all the dinosaurs got out. And I say no.

Mr. Miller: I say yes.

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. Permission to treat the witness as hostile?

Judge: No, man. Definitely not.

Defendant’s attorney: So, Mr. Miller, Jurassic World shouldn’t have to pay you money even though you agreed to waive all rights to sue the park.

Mr. Miller: What? No. I did not agree to that.

Defendant’s attorney: Exhibit A. [Defendant’s attorney passes a paper full of blood to Mr. Miller] Mr. Miller, could you please read the indemnification on the back of your VIP all access raptor’s pass?

Mr. Miller: I can’t read it. It’s covered in my friend Scott’s blood.

Defendant’s attorney: Well, move your friend Scott’s blood around with your finger until you can read it. [Defendant’s attorney walks to a member jury who is black] I mean, can you really believe this, sister?

Jury member: Get out of my face.

Mr. Miller: Um, it says Jurassic World is not responsible for lost or damaged items.

Defendant’s attorney: Lost or damaged items, like your friends and family.

Mr. Miller: Well, I don’t consider my friends and family items.

Defendant’s attorney: But the law does.

Judge: Let the record show that he law does not.

Defendant’s attorney: Alright. Let me ask you this, Mr. Miller. Did you have a good time at Jurassic Park?

Mr. Miller: Um, no. It was the single worst experience of my life.

Defendant’s attorney: Ah! Please direct your attention to the monitor. This is an Instagram story posted by Mr. Miller on the date in question.

[Defendant’s attorney turns plays the video on the screen.] [Cut to the video. Mr. Miller is with two of his friends and they have having a lot of fun.]

Alright, stop. Stop. Stop. [Defendant’s attorney pauses the video] Sure sounded like you were having fun to me. Good time, liar!

Plaintiff’s attorney: Okay, request permission to show the rest of the video?

Defendant’s attorney: Your honor. I do not see why that would be relevant in this case.

Judge: Permission granted.

[Defendant’s attorney plays the video. As soon as the video plays, Mr. Miller in the video starts screaming and the screen goes all bloody.]

Defendant’s attorney: Who even knows what is happening there? I mean, really?

Judge: That’s him and his friends getting eaten by the dinosaur. I mean, I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to weigh in but that’s what it is.

Mr. Miller: Specifically, a T-Rex grabbed my friend Rachel and swallowed her without biting like you would take a Tylenol.

Defendant’s attorney: Objection, your honor. The T-Rex is a good guy now. It is consistently saving the day. Sustained!

Judge: Counsellor, you can’t sustain your own objection. [to Mr. Miller] Continue, sir.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. After that, a flying dinosaur, the long nose landed on my brother and he ate my brother’s face. And then one of those big new genetically engineered ones that you guys made with like, the giant claws–

Defendant’s attorney: Yeah, the Psychosaurus, yes.

Mr. Miller: Yeah. That guy came in and he ate the dinosaur that ate my brother.

Defendant’s attorney: Hmm. “He” ate my brother. “That guy” came in. And yet, Mr. Miller, may I remind you and the court that all dinosaurs at Jurassic park are female. Your honor, the witness had lied under oath. I declare a mistrial because Mr. Miller’s credibility is extinct. Ha-ha! [Defendant’s attorney pours himself a glass of water and drinks it.] This court is adjourned.

Judge: Well, the court is not adjourned because this was not a mistrial. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you will now begin the liberations to reach a verdict.

Jury member: We have reached a verdict already. We all just kind of looked at each other and nodded. We find the defendant Jurassic World Theme Park guilty of charges. They got to learn. The dinosaurs always get out.

Judge: Ha-ha. That they do. That they do.

Defendant’s attorney: I see. Well, I guess that’s lunch then.

[Defendant’s attorney pulls out a huge egg]

Plaintiff’s attorney: Is that a dinosaur egg?

Defendant’s attorney: Well, yes. You think this is okay to eat?

Za

Heidi Gardner

Mr. Reynolds… Pete Davidson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

James Franco

Delivery boy… Chris Redd

[Starts with Heidi asking questions to Mr. Reynolds in the court]

Heidi: Would you remind the jury again of the make and model of your car?

Mr. Reynolds: Um, yes. I drive a 93, Toyota Corolla.

Heidi: Which witnesses say was never at the scene of the crime. Thank you. No further questions you honor.

Judge: Alright. Very well.

James: Your honor, the prosecution would like to cross examine the witness.

Judge: Well, the floor is your’s, counselor.

James: Mr. Reynolds, would you please remind me one more time about your whereabouts on the night in question.

Mr. Reynolds: Sure. Like I already said, I was at Venny’s having two slices of Za.

James: Ah! That’s what I thought you said. Well, I find that really interesting because I happen to have a menu from Venny’s pizza pizzaria right here. Let’s see if we can find ourselves a couple of slices of Za. [James looks at the menu he has brought] Cheese pizza. Pepperoni pizza. Ham and pineapple pizza. And that’s all she wrote, your honor. I rest my case.

Judge: Counselors, approach the bench.

[Heidi and James walk to Judge]

What the hell is going on?

James: I caught him in a lie. He said he was having Za. But there was no la-ZA-nia (lasagna) on the menu.

Judge: Excuse me?

James: He said he was having Za. But the menu I just read had no la-ZA-nia on it.

Heidi: You now Za is slang for pizza, right?

James: False. It’s lasagna.

Heidi: Your honor. Clearly, my colleague is confused.

James: You don’t make nicknames based on how things are spelled. You make them on how they sound.

Heidi: Even if that was the case, it doesn’t apply here.

James: Your honor, may I elaborate?

Judge: I’ll allow it. But I hope you’re going somewhere with this, counselor. For your sake.

James: It’s la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. See? la-Za-nia. Za-nia. Za. Sa, pizza. Za-nia. Za. Pizza… sa. la-Za-nia. Za. Pizza. Sa. Mr. Williams, what were you eating?

Heidi: I object.

Judge: Overruled. Mr. Williams. Please answer the question.

Mr. Reynolds: Za.

James: Ah! When the young man says he was having Za, he is speaking of lasagna.

Heidi: This is preposterous.

James: It’s not preposterous. [James pulls out a huge board where he has explained the pronunciation of lasagna and pizza.] Look! It’s pizza. Suh. Lasagna. Za. Lasagna. Pizza. Suh.  Lasagna. Za. Za. That’s in lasagna. Not pizza. Because that would be “Suh.” Pizza.

Judge: Counselor, you are playing a dangerous game.

James: [yelling] Your honor, two girls are dead. [throws the board away aggressively] And I’ve pinned killer. This young man, Mr. Za, lasagna, za-nia, za, za, za. Pizza. Suh. Suh, your honor.

Heidi: Your honor. It is pizza, suh. And it is lasagna, za-nia, za. But that has nothing to do with this case.

[a pizza delivery guy enters the court]

Delivery boy: Excuse me. Excuse me. I got a large ‘Suh’ here for Mr. Williams. That’s one large ‘Suh!’

Mr. Reynolds: Oh, right here, dude.

[the crowd goes “Ahh!”]

James: There it is!

Mr. Reynolds: Alright. I admit it. I ordered the ‘Suh’.

James: I knew it. Lasagna, za. Your honor, I re-rest my case.

Judge: Well, in light of these developments, I have found the defendant guilty.

James: And I guess I don’t need this picture of you at the scene of the crime. [James shows a picture of Mr. Reynolds committing the crime]

Heidi: Okay. You had that the whole time?

James: Yeah. I needed some real evidence. I can’t really bank on that Za thing.

The Lawyer

Vanessa Bayer

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Douglas… Louis C.K.

Bailiff… Leslie Jones

Georgy Sharpe… Pete Davidson

Mr. Bird… Alex Moffat

Jury… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Vanessa making her statement in the court]

Vanessa: So there you have it. My client was five miles away from that bar playing poker with his friend, Mr. Bird, the night of murder. Yeah. That’s it. I rest my case.

Judge: Alright, Jurors. You’ve heard opening statements from both the defense and the prosecution. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness. Mr. Douglas, you may now call your first witness.

[Mr. Douglas stands]

Mr. Douglas: The prosecution calls Gregory Sharpe to the stand.

Judge: Hold on. Excuse me, Mr. Douglas. Has anyone ever told you that– well, frankly, you have the most beautiful eyelashes. [Mr. Douglas has long eyelashes]

Mr. Douglas: Thank you, your honor.

Judge: I mean, this can’t be the first time you’re hearing this, right?

Mr. Douglas: [laughing] It’s not, your honor.

Judge: Wow. What a pickle to be you, huh? Walking around town, bringing spring wherever you go.

Vanessa: Your honor, can we call the witness please?

Judge: Of course. Bailiff.

[Bailiff walks to Georgy Sharpe with a bible]

Bailiff:

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. I’ll tell the truth.

[Mr. Douglas walks forward]

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe, where were you on the night of the 7th?

Georgy Sharpe: Well, like I told the cops, it was poker night. And I was playing poker with my buddies.

Mr. Douglas: Including Mr. Bird?

Georgy Sharpe: Yeah. He was there.

Mr. Douglas: So, you’re going to look me in the eye, these eyes, [pointing at his eyes with long eyelashes and smiling] and tell me he was with you that night? All night?

[Georgy Sharpe gets nervous]

Georgy Sharpe: Um, it was the poker.

Mr. Douglas: Mr. Sharpe. Was it then?

Georgy Sharpe: [smiling] What do you want me to say?

Mr. Douglas: [smiling at Georgy Sharpe] I want you to look at me.

Georgy Sharpe: Come on, man.

Mr. Douglas: And tell me the truth. Boop! [pokes Georgy Sharpe’s nose]

Georgy Sharpe: He wasn’t with me. And he’s always talking about killing people.

Mr. Bird: Come on! Man!

Mr. Douglas: No further questions.

Vanessa: Okay. Objection. What is this with the eyelashes? I’m appalled by the prosecution here.

Judge: Appalled or jealous?

Vanessa: Appalled. This is not fair.

Judge: Fine. The jury will do their best not to be influenced by the prosecution’s gorgeous, inviting lashes. And they will also disregard the fact that the defense’s lashes are clumpy and unremarkable.

Vanessa: Fine. Thank you. [Vanessa walks forward] Mr. Sharpe, when you were initially questioned by police, you stated that Mr. Bird joined you for poker night at your apartment. [A jury is looking at Mr. Douglas all mexmerized] In fact, he came to your place early to help you get up. You even had leftover beers you brought that night. Now, I’m sorry but–

Jury: [yelling looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] My god!

Vanessa: Okay. Now, he is directly influencing the jury.

Mr. Douglas: That’s ridiculous, your honor. Permission to approach the bench?

Judge: Oh, I would like the very, very much.

[Vanessa and Mr. Douglas walk forward]

Oh, both of you.

Vanessa: I can get you disbarred for this, manipulating a jury. [Mr. Douglas is blinking his eyes and looking at Vanessa] I’ve never seen someone so blatantly disregard– [Mr. Douglas is influencing Vanessa too] So blatantly disregard protocol in such a– Oh, my! [The air is blowing on Vanessa’s hair] There’s something about you. [Mr. Bird stands quietly and flees while everyone is looking at Mr. Douglas’s eyelashes] Maybe it’s your unorthodox methods. Maybe it’s the way you carry yourself or–

[Mr. Douglas looks at the camera and the video pauses]

Female voice: Maybelline, New York.

God is a Boob Man Trailer

Beth… Vanessa Bayer

Taran Killam

Jon Rudnitsky

Sasheer Zamata

Schmul… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Cecily Strong

Governor… Bobby Moynihan

[Starting of a movie trailer]

Male voice: Beth was a small town baker without a care.

[Taran walks in Beth’s bakery[

Taran: Hi there. I’d like to order a wedding cake.

Beth: Of course. Where is the lucky bride?

[Taran looks around]

Taran: He is right here.

[Jon walks to Taran and holds him]

Male voice: Until her fate was tested.

Taran: Now, make the cake.

Male voice: They wanted her to spit in the face of god.

[Beth is making the cake while Taran and Jon are watching]

Taran: I said make the cake.

Beth: I can’t do it.

Male voice: From the makers of God on the Run and Angel in Denim: The Kim Davis Story.

[Cut to Beth and Sasheer behind their bakery.]

Sasheer: What are you thinking? Gays are the most powerful force in America.

Male voice: A story of liberal elites run wild.

Taran: You’ll be hearing from our Jewish lawyer.

[Cut to Beth called in for the case]

Schmul : My name is Schmul from the SOU. You are in lot of trouble, Beth.

Beth: What do you people want from me?

Schmul : My clients just need you to say three simple words.

Taran: [counting the words in his fingers] God is gay.

Beth: But he is not gay. God is as straight as they come.

Schmul : Then I guess we’ll be seeing you in court.

[Cut to Beth walking to the court. The song ‘Fight Song’ by Rachel Platten is playing.]

Beth: Gays are trying to force their agenda. They’re even teaching it in school.

Male voice: Only she has the courage to say.

Beth: [To Sasheer] They say we’re bigot but Christians are the most oppressed group in this country.

Sasheer: Maybe!

Beth: But I’m gonna prove once and for all that god is straight.

[talking in court] If god is gay then why aren’t there any gay priests?

Judge: Miss Walsh, you are on thin ice. You know god is gay. Just admit it!

Beth: No.

Male voice: She needed an aliy.

[Cut to governor’s meeting]

Cecily: Governor, we are the poorest state in the country, second in obesity, third in teen pregnancy. We have to do something.

[Beth walks in the meeting]

Governor: Well, hold that thought. [To Beth] What’s wrong ma’am?

Beth: I wanna deny basic goods and services to gay people.

Governor: [looks around] Everybody out. This is the priority now.

[Cut to the court]

Judge: Last chance miss Walsh. Let’s hear it.

[Beth stands]

Beth: God… is… [Taran and Jon are watching her] a boob man!

[everybody in the court cheer for her]

Male voice: God is a Boob Man. Rated R for graphic gay sexual content.

Three’s A Crime

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Kara Torkelson… Ronda Rousey

Gaven Deli… Pete Davidson

Mrs. Deli… Kate McKinnon

Defense attorney… Taran Killam

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’re watching HLN, Headline News. Headline counts for two letters.

We now return to HLN’s coverage of Three’s A Crime: The Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson Civil Trial.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Bill: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott live at the Palo Alto Courthouse where another scandal has rocked this city schools.

Paula: High school teacher [Cut to Janet and Kara sitting in the court] Janet Johnson-Luna and Kara Torkelson are accused of having an inappropriate group physical encounter with their student Mr. Deli [Cut to Gaven]who is just 16 at the time.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Bill: Deli’s mother is suing the defendants for emotional trauma inflicted upon her son.

[Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Testimonies continues as Gaven Deli will be question by the defense.

[Cut to the courtroom]

Defense attorney: Now, Mr. Deli, can you point out your former teachers to the court?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. They’re right there, giving me butterflies.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Kara: Oh, my god.

Janet: So cheesy.

[Cut to Mrs. Deli]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling] Monsters!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Ay, wait! Mrs. Deli, please try and control yourself. Continue counsel.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, do you recall the events of October 3rd, twothousandforteen? The day of the encounter?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, very clearly. I replay it like a movie in my head every single day.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Now your honor, I would like to present exhibit 7-A, a text conversation taken from Mr. Deli’s phone. [The TV is showing a text message from Ms. Luna] The defendant Ms. Luna texts, “I’m with Ms. Torkelson! Come over for some private tutoring”, winking emoji face. Can you describe your response Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Uh, yes. Um, I responded with a GIF of a cartoon bird exiting frame so fast that his feathers fly off to imply that I was happy and on my way as quickly as possible.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes, you certainly were to illustrate Mr. Deli’s attitude. I’d like to show traffic camera footage of Mr. Deli’s car the moment he received Ms. Luna’s text.

[Cut to a video clip of a car recklessly driving.] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Was that you driving Mr. Deli?

[Cut to Gaven and Judge]

Gaven: Yes, that was the second coolest thing I did that day.

Judge: [looking proud] Second coolest, I see what you did there.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Gaven: And what happened when you arrived at Ms. Luna’s house.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I ran to the front door saying, “Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Oh, my god!”

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: I see. And when did things turn sexual between the three of you?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: After I walked in, I went to the bathroom. I looked at myself at the mirror and I said, “Your live begins today.” And then I came out and we got down.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And how long would you say the encounter lasted?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, about five hours.

[Cut to Judge looking shocked]

Judge: Oh, I remember those days.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Mr. Deli, what happened when you left Ms. Luna’s house?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: I walked to the car with my arms out, kind of like, spinning in circles like a Disney princess. Like, mid song.

[Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: Oh, my god!
Kara: So corny.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And in the days following, how did your classmates learn about what had happened?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, I believe from me telling the story to anyone who would listen.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: And were you ostracized in school because of this?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Um, no. I felt more like Forest Gump when he was running across America and people started following him because he represents hope.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yet your mother claims your peers called you names.

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. Kids called me “The chosen one”, “King of everything”, “The Revenant”, “Three’s humpany”, “Diary of a pimpy kid”, “Velociraptor”, and “My man” but like Denzel Washington says it.

[Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Um, I’m sorry. “My man” the way Denzel Washington–

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Wait, wait. Let the record show the witness means, [saying it the proud way] “My man!”

[Judge claps and shakes hands with Gaven] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: Yes. And did this affect your relationship with your family at all?

[Cut to Gaven]

Gaven: Oh, yes sir. My grandpa and dad were estranged. This event brought them back together.

[Cut to Gaven’s dad and grandpa sitting in the court looking proud of him.] [Cut to Defense attorney]

Defense attorney: To illustrate Mr. Deli’s mental state in the days following here is a vine he posted the morning after the encounter.

[Cut to Gaven’s vine video. He is dancing willy and happily.] [Cut to Janet and Kara blushing]

Janet: I can’t with this kid.

Kara: What a dork.

[Cut to Judge and Gaven]

Judge: Alright, you know what? We’ll take a short recess and then we’ll resume testimony from My Man!

[Gaven and Judge high fives] [Cut to Bill and Paula]

Paula: Wow, absolutely riveting testimony.

Bill: I know, that kid rules. At 16, I was still all about playing with legos. More after this.

[Cut to HLN outro] [The End]

Teacher Trial

Bill Arnold… Beck Bennett

Paula Abbott… Aidy Bryant

Janet Johnson-Luna… Cecily Strong

Gabbin Deli… Pete Davidson

Cathy Deli… Kate McKinnon

Plaintiff lawyer… Taraji P. Henson

Judge… Kenan Thompson

Mr. Deli… Bobby Moynihan

Defense lawyer… Venessa Bayer

[Starts with HLN intro]

Male voice: You’r watching HLN. That stands for Head Line News.

[Cut to the pieces of news on cut news papers]

When I return to HLN’s live coverage of Hot For Teacher: the Janet Johnson-Luna’s civil trial.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: Bill Arnold along side Paula Abbott. Here at the Hillsborough County Courthouse in Tampa Bay for day six of the trial of Janet Johnson-Luna.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna sitting in a courtroom.]

A 32 year old teacher at Villa River High School, [Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott] who was caught having a sexual relationship with 16 year old student Gabbin Deli.

Paula Abbott: In court today is Deli’s mother, [Cut to 5 crying in the courtroom] Cathy Deli, who is suing Ms. Luna on behalf of her son.

[Cut to Bill Arnold and Paula Abbott]

Bill Arnold: We now go to the courtroom where Gabbin Deli has taken the stand.

[Cut to the courtroom.]

Plaintiff lawyer: Good morning, Mr. Deli.

Gabbin Deli: Hello, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, your physical relationship with the defendant lasted how long?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, five glorious weeks, ma’am.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Can you point out the defendant for the court.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yeah, she is right over there, looking all fine.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna. She is blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] You’re stupid.

[Cut to 5, Plaintiff lawyer and Janet Johnson-luna]

Mrs. Deli: [yelling]

She’s a monster!

[Cut to Judge]

Judge: Hey, hey, hey! Let’s keep it cool.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: The affair began on April 15, 2014, correct?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Yes, ma’am. It was the best day of my life.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did you feel pressured into being physical with Ms. Luna?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, no. I instigated it. After school, I went in and said, “What can I do for some extra credit?” And it was on.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Judge: Look at you.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli. You mother said you came home that day and felt sick.

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Oh, yeah. I asked for some time in home because I was fist pumping the entire walk home from school, and my arm muscles were a little sore.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: How would you describe your mental state after the affair began?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, I’d say it felt like what Disney Land is.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] Oh, my god! So embarrassing.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Mr. Deli, when your classmates became aware of your relationship with Ms. Luna, what happened at school?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: I just remember giving thousands of high-fives.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did the kids call you names?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, yes ma’am. The man, luckiest guy ever, my hero, baller, lil Pimp, lil baller, the one, good year pimp, Fred Pimpstone, Ran and Pimpy, king of the teachers, after school special, teacher’s petter, the boy who lived, Gabbin the great, Magic the Gabbining, Legend, super cala fragalistic this be such a dope kid, and he who had sex with teachers. I’m sorry, that’s all I can remember but those were the main ones.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Noted. Now, Mr. Deli, were you bullied as the result of the affair?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: No, I wasn’t. I would describe it as the end of the movie ‘Rudy’. I was Rudy.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Are you okay, your honor?

[Cut to Judge laughing]

Judge: Yeah, yeah. It’s just this guy. Extra credit!

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna blushing]

Janet Johnson-luna: [smiling] So corny.

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: [clears throat as to get attention] Mr. Deli, how did your relationship with the defendant affect your home life?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, it actually brought me closer to my dad. After he saw a picture of Ms. Luna, he took me to a Mallen’s game and bought me my first beer.

[Cut to 5 and Mr. Deli. 5 is staring at Mr. Deli angrily and Mr. Deli is just looking at Gabbin Deli.]

Mr. Deli: [nodding his head to Gabbin Deli] I love you.

[Mr. Deli is really proud] [Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Did Ms. Luna make arrangements to meet you after your mother filed a restraining order?

[Cut to Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, she did say she wanted to meet that weekend but my schedule was so hectic. I had some meet and greets. And that Sunday, it was Gabbin night at the minor league hockey game. And I was asked to ride the zamboni and sing, “Hot for Teacher.”

[Cut to Plaintiff lawyer]

Plaintiff lawyer: Yeah, I’m done!

[Cut to the courtroom] [Plaintiff lawyer sits down]

Judge: Defense.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Defense lawyer]

Defense lawyer: You know, we’re beyond good at this point, your honor.

[Cut to Judge and Gabbin Deli]

Gabbin Deli: Um, may I be excused, sir?

Judge: No… not until you pound it! Ha-ha-ha.

[Judge gives Gabbin Deli a fist to pound]

Mr. Extra Credit right here. Yeah, you excused.

[Gabbin Deli climbs over the stand and goes to Janet Johnson-luna in haste]

2014 minute recess.

[Cut to Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli]

Janet Johnson-luna: Don’t do that.

Gabbin Deli: I wasn’t gonna.

[Janet Johnson-luna and Gabbin Deli are blushing]