Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner
Luigi… Kyle Mooney
Judge… Cecily Strong
Defense attorney… Mikey Day
Wario… Elon Musk
Waluigi… Kate McKinnon
Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman
Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson
Mario… Kenan Thompson[Starts with a case running in the court room]
Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?
Luigi: I was.
Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.
Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.
Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.
Luigi: [pointing] He!
Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.
Defense attorney: Objection.
Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.
Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.
Luigi: He a monster.
Wario: I’m afraid.
Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.
Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?
Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?
Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.
Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.
Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.
Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.
Wario: People are so mean online.
Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?
Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.
Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”
Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.
Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?
Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]
Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]
Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.
Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.
Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?
Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.
Plaintiff attorney: Objection.
Judge: Overruled. This is fun.
Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?
Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]
Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.
Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.
Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]
Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.
Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life![Luigi pulls out a turtle]
Princess Peach: Luigi, no!
Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.[Andrew Cuomo walks in]
Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.
Wario: And I’m Wario.
Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.
Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.
Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.[Mario walks in]
Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]
Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]
Male voice: This has been a message from Italian-American Anti-Defamation League
Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.