Denise Poots… Cecily Strong
Troy Duggins… Regé-Jean Page
Minnie Marko… Chloe Fineman
Chris-Michael Donahue… Mikey Day
Shawn Cruck… Andrew Dismukes
Todd Dodley… Pete Davidson
Judge… Aidy Bryant[Starts with the show intro]
Male voice: We now return to the Mr. Chicken Legspageant. Live from the Grand Ball Room at the Cecil hotel. I know, very bad choice of venue because of bad Netflix show but we booked it so long ago.[Cut to the show]
Denise Poots: [singing] The legs are skinny, thin and mini
only one will be Mr. Chicken legs
the adult males, the legs are rails
only one can be Mr. Chicken legs
Mr. Chicken legs
who will be Mr. Chicken Legs
Troy Duggins: Alright. Welcome back to the 2021, Mr. Chicken Legs pageant. Crowning the grown man with the skinniest legs in America. How about that Denise Poots, really putting her all into our theme music tonight.
Denise Poots: Yes, sir. Hollywood chewed me up and spit me out 18 years ago. Tonight is my chance to say, “Hey, this old piece of gum still got some flavors. So, pop me back in your mouth.”
Troy Duggins: Oh. The producers are holding up a big sign with arrow pointing at you that says, “Don’t engage.” To those who are joining us, I’m your host Troy Duggins joined by funny woman, Minnie Marko. What a night it’s been so far, Minnie?
Minnie Marko: Yeah.
Troy Duggins: [sigh] Well, the judges have narrowed the field to just three finalists and with the talent portion remaining, the stakes couldn’t be higher.
Minnie Marko: Agree.
Troy Duggins: That’s it. Nothing to add?[Minnie Marko shakes her head no]
Didn’t think so. Alright. All good. Ha-ha. Up first, it’s a magic active, Chris-Michael Donahue with “Legs of deception”.
Chris-Michael Donahue: Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to be amazed. Before you stands a grown man, yet with a mere twirl of my cape and tilt of the camera, I become [drum roll] an eighth grade girl. [Camera slides down only to his legs. He’s wearing a skirt and girly shoes] As you can see, I can be flirty, or shy.
Troy Duggins: Wow. As I said many times tonight, that was deeply stupid, yet strangely compelling. Chris-Michael Donahue, everyone! Well, Minnie, I bet you have some thoughts on the competition so far.
Minnie Marko: Totally.
Troy Duggins: Well, do feel free to jump in and share them. Anything to help me fill the time up here, alright? Up next, we have Shawn Cruck, “Lamemt of the calf-less”.
Shawn Cruck: When a human stands on their tiptoes, the calf muscle naturally flexes. Yet, when I do it, there is no physical change in my leg shape. Don’t believe me? Just watch.[camera slides down to his legs. He stands on his toes and shows his calves.]
Troy Duggins: Once again, deeply stupid and yet I can’t look away. Shawn Cruck, folks. Minnie, I’d hate to ask, anything you want to add before we bring out our third finalist?
Minnie Marko: No. It’s just like, this is fun.
Troy Duggins: Guys, this gal’s a dud. She’s sweet but she’s giving me literally nothing. Okay. Alright. Time for our last finalist, it’s Todd Dodley performing his talent, having long skinny ass legs like Jack Skellington.[cut to Todd Dodley dancing in front of a painting showing his thin legs]
That will haunt me. So, Todd, when did you first realized you had skinny legs?
Todd Dodley: Well, as a kid, people would always say I had the same legs as that skinny prostitute from the old Popeye cartoons, Olive Oyl.
Troy Duggins: Pretty sure Olive Oyl was Popeye’s girlfriend, not a prostitute. But either way, well done, Todd.
Denise Poots: [singing] Three finalists for Mr. Chicken Legs
Mr. Chicken Legs!
Troy Duggins: Well folks, it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Head judge Angela Howl will crown our winner.[The judge walks in and starts feeling the finalists’ legs]
Judge: Your new Mr. Chicken Legs is Todd Dodley. And your prize, the smallest little kiss.[The judge pecks on Todd Dodley’s cheeks]
Troy Duggins: Well, don’t go anywhere. Ours more to come after the break.
Denise Poots: [singing] He is Mr. Chicken Legs. God, I love those chicken legs.