Weekend Update: Jules on the Holiday Season

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set.]

Colin Jost: Well, the holiday season has officially begun. Here in his own unique take on the holidays is Jules who sees things little differently.

[Jules slides in] [cheers and applause]

Jules: Good evening, Colin. Or should I say good-morrow?

Colin Jost: I think good evening is fine. Jules, are you enjoying the holiday season?

Jules: You could say that. But you see, [Cut to Jules] I celebrate the holidays a little differently. While other people leave out milk and cookies for Santa, I leave out CBD and a note that says “You are enough.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Great. So do you like go home for the holidays?

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Well, I live in my dad’s pool house. But no. I’m not allowed in the main house anymore because of a cocaine misunderstanding. But Colin, you’re missing the real point of the holidays. Everyone talks about is Black Friday. But that must stop. The movie is just called Friday. We don’t call it Black Shrek.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wait! You think that Shrek is black? \

Jules: His body, his choice, Collin. But you’re missing the point. [Cut to Jules] The holiday shouldn’t be about consumerism. It should be about can-userism. I can use everything around me and turn it into art, the last autumn’s leaf dandling on a tree branch. And old native-American woman on the subway who I take by the hand and say, “Stand up, dance for us like you once did on this land before my disgusting ancestors stole it from you.” She responded, “I’m Filipino”, and I said, “No, you’re free.”

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: This is holiday related?

Jules: My perfect holiday meal you asked?

Colin Jost: I didn’t.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: A table with one person of every ethnicity, white, gay, wheelchair. All seating together, eating nothing but conversation, ideas, delicious. Could you pass the philosophy? And I love seconds on social awareness. Yum, yum, yum, I’m so full… of hope.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: So that’s like your plan for Christmas?

Jules: Ah! Why are we even giving these holidays names Colin? [Cut to Jules] Instead of calling it ‘Halloween,’ why don’t we call it ‘A great day for women.’ And instead of ‘Easter,’ why not call it ‘Sister,’ and celebrate our Latina sisters?

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: No, no. You got to get out of here.

Jules: Oh! I’m sorry, do you have a problem celebrating the Sister?

Colin Jost: God damn! Jules, I actually saw a bunch of cocaine in one of the dressing rooms backstage.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, dream powder. I have work to do.

[Cut to Jules and Colin Jost]

Speaker 3: Jules everyone.

Jules: Santa, free your elf slaves.

Weekend Update: Jules on the Oscars – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Colin Jost

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: The Oscars are only a week away and there will be no host for the ceremony. Here with his take is self-described cultural renegade, Jules who sees things a little differently.

[Jules comes in]

Jules: Hi, hello. Ni-hao, Colin. It’s so …[Jules breathes in] intoxicating to be back.

Colin Jost: Really great. So what do you expect from the Oscars this year?

Jules: Well, first of all, growing up, [Cut to Jules] I wasn’t like other kids. I was a little un-orthodox, if that makes sense. If other kids were dressing up for Halloween, I was dressing up for Wednesday. If my peers were throwing around a football ball, I was gathering scraps of yarn for say, a puppet’s wig. So I guess I just see things a little differently.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: That’s great. I didn’t ask but that. Let’s talk about Oscars.

Jules: Oh, here’s a referee, Colin. [Cut to Jules] They open the envelope and the Oscar goes to a lightning bug squished on the ground yet still he glows. The sun light on an old fence covered in dust, or a little boy buying his first penny candy. Go on, Colin. [Cut to Jules and Colin] Close your eyes and taste it. Mmm. Taste your childhood.

Colin Jost: Dude, your hands are visibly dirty. So, just tell me. Are you going to watch the red carpet?

Jules:  I’ll watch and scoff, Colin. [Cut to Jules] Yes, they all ask who are you wear something? What I want to know is who are you being? I want to tell every actress I see, take your clothes off, I want to see what’s underneath.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: No, you can’t do that, man. That’s really bad.

Jules: Society wants to paint them like little dolls, [Cut to Jules] but they should be like dolls I had as a child, riddled with drift wood with really realistic genitalia.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: All right. So I don’t know, who do you think is going to win best picture?

Jules: Oh, that’s tough. [Cut to Jules] On one hand I’m rooting for Black Panther or I call it, Equal Panther. [Cut to Jules and Colin] I also loved Green Book. [Cut to Jules] The story of a wise black musician teaching a mentally challenged Italian man how to love.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: I don’t think he is mentally challenged.

Jules: No, no, no. See the movie. He was. But, here’s my real best picture, Colin. [Cut to Jules]  Open on a baby laughing. He knows nothing, yet he knows more than we ever will. Cut to a white hand touching a black hand, finally. Pan over a young man feeding old woman soup. Yum. Slam zoom into the old woman’s eye. We see World War II and at it’s entirety reverse shot revealed, the baby was filming it the entire time.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: The baby was filming World War II?

Jules: And laughing, yes. She was. Wow! Gratitude.

Colin Jost: Yeah, great. Great. That’s really Cool. I am just curious. I feel like I have to ask. Your primary source of income.

[Cut to Jules]

Jules: Oh, my father sold guns to Al Qaeda.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin Jost: Jules, everyone.

Jules: The Oscar goes to Whimsy.


Weekend Update: Jules on the Economy | Season 44 Episode 7

Jules… Beck Bennett

[Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin: The economic issues facing our country are very complicated and hard to understand. Here to explain them is the so-called free-thinking economist. Please welcome Jules, who sees things a little differently.

[Jules slides in on his chair]

Jules: Wow, wow. Hi.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I’m already worried. So what is the big general overview of the economy right now?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Well, first of all, I just want to say that growing up, I wasn’t like other kids. Like if other kids were watching cartoons, I was like making hats. If that makes sense. So I guess I just—I don’t know, I see things a little differently.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] Okay. What about something like about the economy?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] Okay, so you’re looking at the economy, like numbers, charts, buy, sell. Meanwhile, I’m looking at a baby, and I’m thinking that’s what we need, open eyes, skin so soft, no bones, just love Colin.

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Babies have bones. Okay. What do you think about GM cutting almost 15,000 jobs? What does that mean for the auto industry?

Jules: [Cut to Jules] So, I don’t love taking like cars places. Because they’re just so like 1984 the book to me, like these were Orwellian machines, straight out of George Orwell if that makes sense.

Colin: [Cut to Jules and Colin] No, it does not. No.

Jules: So instead of driving a car, I like to like, [Cut to Jules] lay belly down on a long-board and use my arms the way a dolphin uses its fins. Sure, it takes longer. And yes, I’ve been hit by a couple of cars, but the thing about getting hit by a car Colin is that for just a moment I get to fly. [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin has his palm on his face] Oh, look, Colin, chills.

Colin: Can I just ask, what do you do for a living?

Jules: I don’t know. I like to play.

Colin:  Oh, so gross.

Jules: [Cut to Jules] I just see people going work like—ra, ra, ra! I need money to put a roof over my head. But if you have a roof over your head, how are you going to see the stars?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: Dude!

Jules: And, yes, my dad [Cut to Jules] invented Oxycontin, and I get that makes a lot of money, but like we’re all just animals in people’s costumes, right?

[Cut to Jules and Colin]

Colin: I have never hated anyone this much.

Jules: I guess the way I think makes me [Cut to Jules] a little strange. I’m kind of like dreaming while I’m awake, [Cut to [Cut to Jules and Colin. Colin pushes Jules away from the set slowly] while other people wait to go to sleep to dream. Meanwhile, me, I’m always dreaming because I see things just a little different Colin.

Colin: Jules, everyone.