The Admiral

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

Admiral… Beck Bennett

Julian… John Mulaney

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: And now we return to 1955’s “Say, Those Two Don’t Seem To Like Each Other.”

[Cut to Kate and Aidy grooming themselves in their house. It’s an old black and white video.]

Kate: Sister, you’re looking lovely in our dead mother’s pearl.

Aidy: Umm, and you’re looking lovely in our dead father’s pearls. Well, today is the day the admirals are coming to pick a wife.

Kate: Yeah. He’s never taken a wife before or even a single girlfriend.

Aidy: Yes. He’ll choose between us sisters.

Kate: Right. Whoever he finds the most sexually gorgeous.

Aidy: Hmm. Well sister, your hair is quite a mess. Why don’t you put on this hat? [giving hare a huge heavy anvil.]

Kate: Well, that’s an anvil.

Aidy: Oh, so it is. I thought it was a beret.

Kate: Um, sister, why don’t you sign your birthday card?

[Kate passes Aidy a card]

Aidy: Oh, well this is a suicide note.

Kate: Oh. Silly me. I thought you were turning ninety.

Aidy: [laughing] Sister, you’re looking chilly. Why don’t you put on this scarf? [Aidy passes Kate a big snake.]

Kate: That’s a boa constrictor.

Aidy: Oh! So it is. I thought it was a pashmina.

Kate: Sister, your breath. It’s half garbage here. Why don’t you pop this little mint?

[Kate passes Aidy a bomb]

Aidy: Oh! Well, that’s an actual bomb.

Kate: Oh, I wonder who du-du-du-du.

[door bell ringing]

Kate and Aidy: The admiral.

[Admiral walks in. He’s wearing his uniform.]

Admiral: Hm, hello ladies.

Kate: Um, yes, hello, Admiral. Now, which of us will be the object of your attraction?

Admiral: Hm, wow, what great options. This is going to be so hard.

[Julian walks in. He is wearing a sailor uniform.]

Julian: Oh, sisters. I’m back from war.

Admiral: Hello, sailor.

Aidy: Brother, you’re interrupting.

Kate: We’re seducing this man.

Julian: Oh, sisters. I ran all the way here from the pacific theater. I’m awful sweaty.

Admiral: [looking excited] How do you do?

Kate: Okay. Admiral, we’re sorry for the wretched intrusion from my pesky baby brother, Julina.

Aidy: Yes. But he wasn’t an admiral. He wasn’t an admiral like you. He was just a petty officer.

Julian: No, no. I got promoted.

Kate: Oh, really? To what?

Julian: Pass around party bottoms.

Admiral: Ha-da-du-da-daa!

Kate: [whispering to Aidy] Sister, I think the admiral is feeling something about Julian.

Aidy: Yes. I’m clocking it.

Julian: My! I’ve grown so much since the last time I was here. Let me measure myself against this wall. [Julian measures his height on the wall] I’m taller than I was here and here and even here. It looks like I got taller but I’m down for anything.

Admiral: No, boy!

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Aidy: Admiral, we weren’t expecting our foppish brother today. Would you mind giving us a moment alone?

Admiral: Good idea.

[Admiral walks out.]

Aidy: [whispering to Kate] Sister, this is a disaster.

Kate: I know. When did our pesky little brother get gay hot?

Aidy: Well, he’s taking the admiral’s attention.

Kate: We need him to lust after us.

Aidy: Somehow, we have to make Julian less distracting.

Kate: Right. Right. I know. [calling out] Oh, Julian.

[Julian is eating a sausage]

Julian: Yes?

Kate: God! Put that down.

Aidy: Julian, um, bad news. The admiral says that you’re annoying.

Kate: Very annoying.

Julian: Oh, no! I don’t wanted admiral to think I’m annoying. I’ll just turn around and face the wall and hell forget that I’m here.

[Julian faces the wall bending over.]

Kate and Aidy: No, no, no, no, no, no.

Kate: That’s so annoying to look at.

Aidy: So annoying.

Julian: I know. I’ll hide myself behind the couch. Here, I’ll move it against the wall first. [while pushing the couch, he’s moaning.]

Kate: Oh, god! That’s annoying.

Aidy: Yes. That’s a nuisance for the admiral.

Julian: It’s so heavy. I’ll push down on it to help. [moaning] Take that. Yeah!

Aidy: Oh, holy hell.

Kate: No, I think I found that annoying.

Aidy: I know. I mean I’m basically half there.

Kate: Argh, we’ll never win.

Aidy: Okay, then what do we do? We’ll have to shoot him.

[Kate pulls out a tommy gun]

Kate: Yes. You’re right.

[Kate shoots at Julian. But the bullets only tears Julian’s clothes away.]

Kate and Aidy: No!

Kate: It’s a vest and shorts.

Aidy: That’s even cuter.

Kate: Oh! Calm sister. The admiral hasn’t picked yet!

Aidy: Yes, you’re right. It could definitely still be us.

[Admiral walks in]

All: The admiral.

Kate: Who will he choose?

Admiral: [pointing at Julian] The twink!