Tag: Julian Assange

WikiLeaks Cold Open

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric… Alex Moffat

Julian Assange… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with introduction video]

Male voice: May 17, 2017, Robert Mueller is appointed special counsel and tasked with the investigation of firing of James Comey and links between the Trump campaign and the Russian government. On covering numerous attempts by Wikileaks master mind, Julian Assange, to influence the outcome of the American election via contact with Jared Kushner and other members of the Trump inner circle. The targets pile Manafort, Flynn, Gates, Papadopoulos, possibly leading to the oval office and the president himself. These are The Mueller Files.

The following is the reenactment of events that may have taken place autumn of last year.

[Cut to London.] [Subtitle- September 20, 2016. Parking garage beneath the Ecudorin Bmbassy, London, England.] [Cut to Donald Trump Jr. standing alone. Julian Assange walks in]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hello, Mr. Assange, I presume.

Julian Assange: Good day, Mr. Trump Jr. I am Julian Assange. I appreciate you coming all the way to London to meet face to face.

Donald Trump Jr.: No worries. As secure and off the record as sliding into my twitter DMs, I thought this might be safer.

Julian Assange: I trust you came alone?

Donald Trump Jr.: My brother Eric is waiting in the car. Not to worry. I told him to honk the horn if he gets scared. Now, Mr. Assange–

[horn honking]

Excuse me for a moment.

[Donald Trump Jr. walks away and walks back with Eric]

Eric will be joining us. Eric, this is Mr. Assange.

Eric: He looks like Draco Malfoy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! That was rude! What did we say about making fun of people’s appearances, bud?

Eric: That’s dad’s thing?

Donald Trump Jr.: Yes.

Julian Assange: The deal was, you come alone.

Donald Trump Jr.: Well, circumstances changed, Assange. Eric’s wife had to work, so I have him for the day.

Julian Assange: How do I know I can trust him?

Donald Trump Jr.: Hm, having Eric here is basically like being alone. Watch. Eric, what’s this man’s name?

Eric: Julliard Massage.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what organization did he found?

Eric: Ricki Lakes.

Donald Trump Jr.: And what does Ricki Lakes do?

[Eric looks around]

Eric: I’m Eric!

Donald Trump Jr.: Dead end. Trust me, your secret is safe with Eric.

Julian Assange: Careful, there’s a car coming. Don’t be seen.

[Donald Trump Jr. and Julian Assange look way. Eric waves his hand to the car.]

Eric: Hi!

Donald Trump Jr.: Alright, that was a little too close for comfort. Let’s get down to business. Mr. Assange, there is something we have been waiting for very long time.

Eric: McDonald’s.

Donald Trump Jr.: Told you, buddy. We are going to go there after this. Alright? I want dirt on Hillary.

Julian Assange: Wow, you’re in luck. Okay? I have some information about Hillary Clinton that might be quite useful to your father’s campaign. How does a treasure trove of Hacked DNC e-mails sound?

[Julian Assange hands an envelope to Donald Trump Jr.]

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, thank god for wikileaks.

Eric: For shrinky dinks.

Julian Assange: Keep that in a safe place, alright?

Donald Trump Jr.: Oh, I will. [Eric turns around. He is carrying a Minion back-pack. Donald Trump Jr. puts the envelope inside the back-pack.] This bag never leaves Eric’s side.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Now, if you think you are getting that for free, you are mistaken, okay? I”m not some dumb blonde you can take advantage of.

Eric: But your hair is white!

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric! Come on!

Julian Assange: It’s not white. It’s a platinum bob with a man’s front wisp. And what I want, Mr. Trump Jr., is to be cleared of all espionage charges. That would really save my ass.

[Eric whispers in Donald Trump Jr.’s ear]

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric wants you to know that ass is a bad word. And if you help my father, I’ll help you. He is always loyal to his friends.

Eric: What about Chris Christie?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, come on!

Eric: And Rudy Giuliani?

Donald Trump Jr.: No, Eric!

Eric: And mom?

Donald Trump Jr.: Eric, do you want to play with your spinner thing?

[Donald Trump Jr. gives Eric a spinner to play]

Eric: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Got that at the airport. Mr. Assange, I assure you that your efforts will be rewarded. [Eric is just looking at the spinner and he doesn’t know how to play with it.] Eric, buddy, this lights up. That’s it’s whole thing. Look. [Donald Trump Jr. turns the spinner’s light for Eric] Look. There you go, bud. Yes, that’s what it does. [to Julian Assange] My father would never sell you out. Help him now and you will be repaid a thousand fold.

Julian Assange: Okay. Well, I think we are done here then. I look forward to working with you. And when I say you, I do mean you. Not necessarily Eric.

Donald Trump Jr.: Understood. Oh, and Mr. Assange, before we go, there is something Eric and I would like to say. Live–

Eric: Live. [pronouncing it as in living.]

Donald Trump Jr.: It’s not live. It’s live. Live, right? Do you want to try it? Let’s do it.

Donald Trump Jr., Eric and Julian Assange: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Jail Cell Cold Open – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Prison Guard … Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Kenan Thompson

Aunt Becky …Kate McKinnon

Brother Wallace

Michael Avenatti … Pete Davidson

Julian Assange …Michael Keaton

Tekashi 69 … Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with intro]

Narrator: Brought to you by MSNBC. Now that the Mueller report turned out to be a big fat zero. Right now it’s Lock Up, Chino correctional facility.

[Cut to prison guard and Chris. Prison guard is locking Chris in jail.]

Prison Guard: Good luck in there. And, hey, have fun.

Chris Redd: Yeah, thanks. [Chris walks in the jail] I really appreciate that.

[Cut to Chris, Kenan and Kyle]

Kyle Mooney: What are you in here for?

Chris Redd: Little robbery. Ain’t going to stick though. How about you, little man?

Kyle Mooney: What the hell did you just say? [Kyle stands with rage]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, both of you all sit down.

Kyle Mooney: I’m in here for assault, bitch. You want a reenactment.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! Hey!

Chris Redd: What about you, old man?

Kenan Thompson: Old man? Son, I’m the craziest dude in here. Stabbed my neighborhood to death and then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.

Chris Redd: Damn, that’s insane.

[Aunt Becky walks in]

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah? You think that’s insane? I paid 500 grand to get my daughter into USC.

Chris Redd: Wait, what?

Aunt Becky: You heard me. [Cut to Aunt Becky, Chris and Kenan] I paid 500 grand to a women’s crew coach to say my daughter was good at rowing. I’m loco.

Kenan Thompson: Hold up. You paid 500 grand for USC?

Aunt Becky: Oh, yeah. And that’s not including the 300 grand I blew on tuition.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, my god. What did your daughter major in?

Aunt Becky: Communications. Yeah. And you know what her job is now? She’s an influencer on Instagram.

Kenan Thompson: Stop it. I can’t hear anymore. Guards, get her away from me!

Aunt Becky: Hey, I own the guards in here. I helped their kids get into a really competitive pre-k.

Chris Redd: Wait a second. Are you Aunt Becky?

[Aunt Becky takes a pencil out and points it towards Chris to stab him]

Aunt Becky: Say that again?

Chris Redd: All right. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Is it Lori? Do I call you Lori?

Aunt Becky: No, no. I have a new name now.

Brother Wallace: Brother Becky.

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Brother Wallace]

Aunt Becky: Yes, Brother Wallace.

Brother Wallace: You forgot your Kufi?

Aunt Becky: I did? Well, to quote Stephanie Tanner, “How rude!”

[Cut to everybody. Brother Wallace leaves.]

Chris Redd: Wait. So you’re in the nation of Islam now?

Aunt Becky: That’s right. [Aunt Becky sits beside Chris] I bought my way in for 100 grand. Plus another 100 for them to stop calling me the White Devil.

Kenan Thompson: Man, [Cut to Kenan and Kyle] you won’t survive in here more than a week?

[Cut to Aunt Becky and Chris]

Aunt Becky:  Oh, really? You think prison is hard. I have done 68 hallmark movies, I have seen hell man! And in half of those hallmark movies I marry Santa’s son, so I have lost all sense of reality. I’m going to take your heart and I’m going to cut it out.

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Damn, yo, I think being on a sitcom for 12 years drove her crazy.

[Michael comes in.]

Michael Avenatti: Did somebody say crazy?

Chris Redd: Michael Avenatti?

Michael Avenatti: Oh, you’re damn right, baby.

Chris Redd: Wait. [Cut to Chris and Kenan] How do you know this fool?

Kenan Thompson: Well, I watch a lot of Morning Joe. I’m team Mika.

[Cut to everybody]

Kyle Mooney: You’re a lawyer. What are you in here for? Speeding tickets?

Michael Avenatti: Speeding tickets? Bitch, I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of, [Cut to Michael] like blackmailing a sneaker company and stealing taxes from a coffee shop to fund a race car team. [Cut to everybody] And I’m so shady that a porn star once said that she needed to distance herself from me. [Cut to Michael] And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.

[Cut to everybody]

Aunt Becky: Okay, he wins. He’s the craziest.

[Cut to Julian]

Julian Assange: Is he, though?

[Cut to everybody]

Chris Redd: Yo, is that Julian Assange?

Julian Assange: Yeah.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, that makes sense. I was going to say Santa’s back on crack.

Julian Assange: That’s right. It’s me. I’m the architect of anarchy. I’m the king of chaos. I’m the scourge of the cleaning staff at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

[Kyle walks to Julian]

Kyle Mooney: Yeah? What’s the big deal? Old man doesn’t look so tough.

Julian Assange: You want to throw down, amigo? [Cut to Julian and Kyle] You want to? I hope you’re proud of every single photo in your iPod because , boom, all your ding dong pics just went on the internet.

Kyle Mooney: Yeah, right.

Julian Assange: Yeah, yeah. Hey, you remember that notes folder you had? What was that called? Ideas for shark tank.

Kyle Mooney: How did you know about that?

Julian Assange: I know everything, baby.

Kyle Mooney: But my password has letters and numbers.

[Cut to everybody]

Julian Assange: Now, you sons of bitches want to hear how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am. [Cut to Julian] I’m wanted in the US and Sweden. I’m from Australia. I live in London in Ecuqador. You try figuring that one out. [Cut to everybody] Yeah, you cheat your schools and you know you rob your companies. [Cut to Julian] That’s cute. It is, yeah. I’ve attacked the US military bitches, because I’m an actual James Bond super villain and I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon. So you want to get nuts? Come on, let’s get nuts.

[Cut to everybody]

Michael Avenatti: Okay. He wins. I yield my time.

Julian Assange: Thank you. [Cut to Julian] Is there a bathroom around here because I really have to take a wikileak.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, it’s over there in the corner.

Chris Redd: Yeah, but watch out for that dude, man, because he must be in here for something crazy.

[Cut to Tekashi 69] [Cut to Chris and Kenan]

Kenan Thompson: Oh! You mean Takashi 69? Hey, Tekashi, you in here for something crazy?

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Tekashi 69: Nah, just robbery and gun stuff. It’s stupid!

[Cut to Tekashi 69]

Michael Avenatti: We may both regret this but Takashi, do you need a lawyer? See, prison’s fun.

Everybody: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!