Weekend Update Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Overturning Roe v Wade

Colin Jost

Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.

[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]

Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?

Amy Coney Barrett: Good.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.

Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.

Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.

Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.

Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.

Colin Jost: Just do the what?

Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.

Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.

Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.

Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.

Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.

Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.

Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?

Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.

Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.

Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing] [Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.