Weekend Update 1

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their news set]

Michael Che: Good evening. Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. And here, tonight’s top stories.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of map of Maine and Kaci Hickoon left top corner.]

A judge in Maine on Friday ruled the nurse Kaci Hickox, who had been ordered to remain quarantined in her home after working with ebola patients in Africa is free to go any place she wants. Places like, “over there” and “further over there”. Hickox was reportedly so happy with the ruling that she started vomitting blood.  Before the restrictions were lifted, Kaci Hickox openly violated quarantined orders Thursday by taking an hour long bike ride with her boyfriend. Said her boyfriend, “Help, she’s gaining on me!”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of map of New York on right top corner.]

Michael Che: New York’s state has relaxed regulations on ebola aid workers returning from Africa, now allowing them to quarantine themselves at their homes. “Wait, what?” said their roommates.

[Picture changes to Pope Francis]

Pope Francis said this week that the theory of evolution and the big bang theory do not contradict the existence of god. Man, I love this Pope. Everything he says sounds like he just got high for the first time. And I like that he doesn’t drive around in that goofy Pope mobile like he’s the dice in that game trouble. He knows god is protecting him. All those other Popes were hiding behind plexiglass like they were selling chicken in the bad neighborhood.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Tim Hudson on left top corner.]

Colin Jost: San Francisco Giant’s pitcher Tim Hudson became the oldest world series game sever starter ever at the age of 39. Hudson was pulled during the second inning at the age of 41.

Chris Christie Defends the Quarantine of Kaci Hickox

Megan… Cecily Strong

Governor Ghris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Kaci Hickox… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Kelly File” intro] [Cut to in Megan her set] [cheers and applause]

Megan: Welcome back. Welcome back to The Kelly File. Later in the program undeniable proof that the historical figure Blacula was in fact white. But first, it was a long week for New Jersey governer Chris Christie. First she placed nurse Kaci Hickox in a quarantine even though she had no symptoms of ebola, then quickly reversed that decision when the White House and public opinion turned against him. Governer Christie joins us here today.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Yeah, what?

[laughter] [Cut to Megan and Chris Christie]

Megan: Governor, what do you say to miss Hicoc’s claims that her quarantine was inhumane?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Well, with all due respect Megan, you need to shut the hell up. Miss Hicocs got a tent in a parking lot with her own porta party. In New Jersey, that’s called the luxury condo. Miss Hicocs also had access to the internet and some of the best take out food in Newark. I’m talking about places like Zuckerello’s bar and grill and Cookazella’s bakery and Cowzonum Porium down on roof Kaci Hickox5.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay. Governor, well the CDC called your quarantine rules draconian.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Look, my only job is to protect the people of New Jersey. And believe me, they need protection. Their immune systems are already under attack from tattoo infections and tainted well vodkas and jet fumes, by which I mean the stench of the New York jets.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Governor, now some are saying the White House pressured you into reversing your policy.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Come on, that’as a bunch of malarkey. Our policy has not changed. If you present symptoms, you will be quarantined. But, if I then get a call from president Barack Obama, the man who visited me, [getting emotional] for almost Kaci Hickox hours, dooring the worst of hurricane Sandy and stood with me on that beach, windbreaker to windbreaker, as we pointed to houses and said, “Wow, look at that one”, how do you say no to a man like that?

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Well, speaking of presidents, isn’t your tough stance on ebola really about the fact you might soon be a candidate in Chris Christie0Megan6?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Megan, that’s a question for the American people. After 8 years of Barack Obama, do they want more of the same? Or is America ready for like, likable Kevin James type. You now? Like a laughable Jamoke from the old neighborhood.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Are you saying you’re running?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: No, but I will say this. Ram Paul and Jeff Bush would never have had the stones to do this quarantine thing. They were sitting on their daddy’s lap in congress while I was working my way through kindergarten as mall Santa Claus. Okay? And where am I? Over here. Hey, Ramd and Jebb, Christopher. [pecks kiss on hand] Now that’s a first name.

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: Okay, here now with her side of the story, the woman who lived through this quarantine, Kaci Hickox live via satellite in her home in Maine.

[Cut to split screen. Megan is at the left and Chris Christie is at the right.]

Kaci Hickox: Hey, Megan. By the way, that is Kaci with an ‘I’ as in “I don’t care if have ebola, I’m riding my damn bike.” Yeah!

Megan: So, What have you been doing since you broke quarantine?

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: I’m doing whatever I feel like. Took a dip in a public pool, ooh! I volunteered in a kissing booth. For Halloween, I handed out about a thousand m&m’s with my bare hands. There you go, there you go. [coughing] Kidding! Yeah!

[Cut to split screen.]

Megan: Okay, miss Hickox, many people think you’re being pretty cavalier about all this.

[Cut to Kaci Hickox]

Kaci Hickox: Yeah, that’s because many people are intimidated by a smart, strong woman who has lost her mind. I stoop up to ebola, Megan. I’m not be scared off by a governor who looks like a cartoon on a pizza box.

Chris Christie: Oh yeah! [Chris Christie walks near Kaci Hickox in Maine] You wanna say that to my face?

Kaci Hickox: What the hell are you doing here?

Chris Christie: I’m Chris Christie, I’m everywhere.

Kaci Hickox: Oh, I cannot wait to sue you.

Chris Christie: Oh, yeah? Well, get in line. It starts all the way back at the GW bridge and the traffic is very slow. [Chris Christie and Kaci Hickox start hitting each other] Come on! Come on, now!

[Cut to Megan]

Megan: A lot to think about on both sides. We’ll be back with more. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.