Tag: Kanye

Weekend Update- Kanye West Praises Hitler, Biden Averts Rail Strike

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a pictures of Alex Jones and Kanye West at left top corner.]

You guys are not gonna believe this. But Alex Jones and Kanye West got together this week. And it didn’t go great. Kanye West made anti semitic jokes and said “I like Hitler,” which is also the password he used to get into Mar-a-Lago. At this point, I don’t think Kanye is off his meds so much as he’s immune to them. We’re basically dealing with the Omicron variant of Kanye. We thought he fade away but now we realize we may have to live with a brain fog of long haul Kanye. What I don’t understand about this Kanye stuff is if Jews do control the media, then how are we still seeing a new interview with Kanye every day? Also, if Jews control the media, explain the 80 foot Christmas tree outside of NBC.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden signed a measure that would force railway workers to accept the deal that averts a strike but does not include paid sick leave. Why do you expect Biden to care about sick leave when he shows up to work every day with full blown CTE?

[picture changes to the capitol building]

The Senate passed the Respect for Marriage Act which solidifies federal protections for interracial marriages. Okay, but if I marry a white lady who’s gonna protect me from my mother?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: The Georgia Senate run off set records for early voting. Herschel Walker has always encouraged his supporters to take care of voting early before it becomes a problem.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Colin. President Biden has recommended that South Carolina become the first state to vote in the Democratic primaries to give black voters more of a voice in selecting the 2024 candidate. Not to be outdone, Donald Trump also plans to give black voters a voice with this puppet.

[picture changes to Donald Trump holding a puppet]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Iowa state at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: There’s growing support to move the first democratic primary from Iowa to South Carolina, but why would you just move it to another boring state? You know, start the primaries with a bang in Florida. Right? Instead of watching a politician eat a corndog at the Iowa State Fair, imagine Pete Buttigieg smoking meth shirtless at Gator lands as he battles for the state’s key demographic ‘grandmas under 30’. Right? You know, at the end of the day, Florida may not give us FDR or JFK, but it will definitely give us HPV.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Stewart Rhodes at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Federal jury has found Oathkeepers leader Stewart Rhodes guilty of seditious conspiracy for his actions on January 6. Rhodes plans to appeal the verdict because he feels the trial like his vision was very one sided.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Vladimir Putin at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Questions are being raised about Vladimir Putin’s health after he fell down the stairs at his home and soiled himself. Questions like “Is there a video?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an iPhone at right top corner.]

Michael Che: An apple factory in China is expected to cut production of iPhones by 6 million in response to ongoing worker protests. The workers main demand is more playtime. I’m shocked too, guys.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West and Kim Kardashian at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It was announced that Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have reached a settlement in their divorce, and I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess that she may be had an easier time finding a good lawyer.

Weekend Update- Donald Trump Jr. Mocks Paul Pelosi, Kanye West’s Instagram Suspension

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

President Biden’s scene here begging for one more year before the midterms warned about Republican candidates who say they will refuse to accept election results warning they could set the nation on a path to chaos. So wait, this is just the path to chaos. I thought we’d been living in chaos for at least six years. I mean, Nancy Pelosi’s husband was attacked in their home by a guy with a hammer. And instead of even basic sympathy, Republicans were like, “We heard he gay.” Donald Trump Jr. mocked the attack on Pelosi’s his husband by posting an image of a hammer and a pair of underpants with a message “Got my Paul Pelosi Halloween costume ready.” And I would agree that Don Jr. is probably the expert on getting hammered in your underwear. Also Don Jr., is that your underwear man? Why is that so dirty and stretched out? Like you were trying to burn Paul Pelosi but now I’m just wondering if you wear your dad’s old underwear.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kyrie Irving at right top corner.]

Michael Che: After meeting with the anti Defamation League, Kyrie Irving announced that from now on he will pretend to not be anti semitic. Brooklyn Nets star Kyrie Irving was suspended after he tweeted a link to the anti semitic film “Hebrew to Negros: wake up black America.” In the Hebrew to Negros was also the name of my favorite r&b group in the 90s.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Oprah Winfrey at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Just days before the midterm elections, Oprah Winfrey endorsed John Fetterman instead of the monster she unleashed upon us. Is it crazy that Oprah gave Dr. Oz his career and even she’s turned against him? It’s like if Robin ran for mayor of Gotham and Batman was like, “I fully endorse penguin.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Barack Obama and Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker responded to Barack Obama criticizing his qualifications to be in the Senate by saying “Put my resume against his resume.” Fine. So here’s Obama’s resume and here’s Herschel Walker’s. It’s better than I thought.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Economy adds over Michael 200,000 jobs” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: It’s better. The latest jobs report shows that last month, the US economy added over 200,000 jobs. “We’ll see about that,” said Elon Musk. This is interesting since Elon Musk took over Twitter, use of the N word on the site has reportedly jumped 500%. It’s the biggest increase in the use of the N word since the last time I stubbed my toe.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West was suspended from Instagram again for posting a disparaging message about Jewish people. Seems like he’s doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, which I’ve heard is the definition of something. I’m noticing a trend with Kanye. His business deals went bad and he just started calling it a Jewish conspiracy. Sort of like when his albums got bad and he just started calling it gospel.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of people running a marathon at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is the New York City Marathon or as Fox News will report it “Undocumented Africans one wild in streets of New York”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Chinese flag at left top corner.]

Michael Che: China has launched the third and final module for its permanent space station. Now all they have to do was launched some children to assemble it.

[picture changes to an article that says “Employers must disclose salary range”]

New York City is now requiring employers to disclose salary ranges in all job listings. Employers must list everything ranging from the top salary all the way down to the female salary.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of CNN logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: CNN has announced that due to budget cuts, they are scaling back on original series and documentaries. Yeah, apparently there was a flaw with the business model of giving Stanley Tucci millions of dollars to eat Gilato.

[picture changes to a man carrying a handgun]

A Zoo in Atlanta will allow visitors to carry firearms. So you want to try laughing at me again monkeys?

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of North Korean flag at right top corner.]

Michael Che: What happened to you, man? Tensions are on the rise after North Korea launched more than 20 missiles into the ocean and all because the Little Mermaid is black. [laughing] It’s not real.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a person writing a list.]

Colin Jost: Our linguistics expert has released a list of the most beautiful sounding baby names with the top spots once again going to Matthew and Sophia, while the worst sounding names are Moist and Slurp.

[picture changes to a grenade]

Police in Oregon are warning residents about several hand grenades that have washed ashore on a beach. The hand grenades were discovered when one beach goer said “Mommy look at this shell I fo…[pauses]”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a sun at right top corner.]

Michael Che: NASA has released an image of the Sun in which it appears to be smiling. So if the sun can smile, would it kill you ladies to try it?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of an article that says “Mother leaves child at home to go day drinking” at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: In Arizona, woman was arrested after she allegedly went day drinking while her five month old child was sitting home alone, like, a loser.

Weekend Update- Elon Musk Buys Twitter, Companies Cut Ties with Kanye West

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Elon Must and Twitter logo at left top corner.]

This week, Elon Musk officially bought Twitter for $44 billion, beating out the next highest offer of $0. Musk sent an open letter to advertisers saying that he doesn’t want Twitter to become a free for all hellscape because that’s his plan for Mars. I honestly don’t understand why people are so worried that Elon is going to ruin Twitter as if it’s this beloved American institution. It’s not like he bought Disney World. It’s like he bought the rest of Orlando.

Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Herschel Walker denied allegations from a second woman that he pushed her to have an abortion saying “I’m done with this foolishness,” which is also what Walker says when he takes off the condom. The woman claims that Walker drove her to an abortion clinic then waited in the parking lot for hours until she had the procedure. Not only that. While he was in the parking lot, he got two more women pregnant.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of John Fetterman and Dr. Oz at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: John Fetterman, who is still recovering from a stroke, and Dr. Mehmet Oz met for their only debate before the midterms. And just like in his puppy experiments, Dr. Oz showed no mercy. Fetterman began his opening statement by saying “Good night everybody.” It was a bizarre baffling comment that debate watchers called his high point. Regardless of your politics, it’s never a great sign when most of the post debate commentary is from brain doctors. I really don’t understand why Fetterman was allowed to do this debate. Who’s his campaign manager? The Miami Dolphins concussion doctor? Also, it’s not Dr. Oz did great. He just did slightly better than a recent stroke victim. At one point, he said the decision to have abortion should include local political leaders, which sounds like a perfect way to get an abortion five years late and 60 million over budget.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Pelosi’s husband is gravely injured in hammer attack by an intruder” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Things are definitely getting way out of hand in this country because when I heard that a guy barged into a house with a hammer looking for Nancy Pelosi, my first thought was “Oh no, was it Kanye?” Kanye West has now been dropped by Adidas, the Gap, Balenciaga and all Bar Mitzvah playlists. In the wake of Kanye’s anti semitic comments, Adidas said it will stop making Yeezy shoes. Fans of Yeezy say it’s the worst thing that happened to them since any puddle. Kanye was also probably closed Donda Academy which is a private school that forces parents to sign non disclosure agreements. “Wait we can do NDAs?” said Catholic school priests.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Is it just me or did half the companies that dropped Kanye sound fake? I saw the headline “TJ Maxx cuts ties with Kanye.” I was like, “Did Kanye know he worked for TJ Maxx?” Also, unless we already associated you with Kanye, you didn’t have to announce you’re cutting ties. We didn’t need Peloton to announce, “We’re no longer playing Kanye’s music.” Thanks, peloton. Now we can rest easy knowing we won’t hear gold digger while we have a heart attack on your bike. At some point I actually started getting excited about who is going to announce next? Dippin Dots will no longer work with— Scrub Daddy is cutting ties— TCBY will discontinue their watch the cone menu featuring the hit flavor nougats and pretzels. The craziest one, which is somehow real, somehow real is that Goodwill dropped Kanye. They will no longer accept donations of Kanye’s clothing. Which is ironic because Kanye has lost enough money that he might need them.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Rishi Sunak at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Rishi Sunak will become Great Britain’s first ever Prime Minister of Indian descent. Said his mom, “Okay, why not King?”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During a White House ceremony, President Biden wished Kamala Harris a happy birthday, then accidentally called her a great president. Even worse, he was talking to a portrait of Michelle Obama.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Ruth Bader Ginsburg at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The Postal Service announced a new stamp honoring the late Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg. There’s also a stamp honoring Clarence Thomas that says “Flip me over and start licking.”

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of mathematical problem at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A new study finds that during the pandemic, students math scores dropped by almost Colin Jost0%. Wow, so more than half!

The world’s largest timber tower and suspension bridge has opened in Michigan. “For now,” said beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Hijacked bus crashes into pole.”]

Michael Che: Police in Queens were searching for a suspect who hijacked a bus and then immediately crashed it into a utility pole. Okay, so we know it’s a woman.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Virgin Australia logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Virgin Australia is trying to get people to choose the middle seat by enrolling everyone who sits in those seats a chance to win over 200,000 in prizes. Not to be outdone, Spirit Airlines is offering a free bag of carrots if you sit in the bathroom.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of an article that says “Training dogs to detect semen” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Police in England are now using specially trained dogs to detect semen at crime scenes. This replaces the old method of detecting semen, slipping on it.

Kanye Skechers Commercial

[Starts with video clips of people jogging]

Cecily: Here at Skechers, we pride ourselves on two things, making stylish comfortable shoes at an affordable price and having zero tolerance for anti semitism.

Bowen: That’s why earlier this week when Kanye West showed up at our corporate office asking to work with us, we said no.

Chloe: No way.

Marcello: No.

Punkie: No, thank you.

Bowen: And we immediately escorted him out of the building.

Cecily: Like the rest of the country, we were appalled by Kanye is horrific comments, and we vow to never work with him in any capacity. But can we also point out that of all the companies he could have approached and been rejected by, he chose Skechers. Skechers has always been a hip edgy company.

Punkie: Everyone knows that. So of course, Kanye came to us first.

Chloe: Kanye came to Skechers and Skechers said no. Do you realize how insanely satisfying that is?

Cecily: I guess you could say that Skechers employees are kind of heroes. Like Celie maybe.

Bowen: Two years ago, could you have imagined the headline “Skechers too good for Kanye”?

Cecily: I actually feel high. Like I think this is what cocaine feels like.

Punkie: Corporate was like, “We can’t work with Kanye West. He’s crazy now.” I was like, “Now?”

Cecily: It took Adidas so many days to decide not to work with him. I mean, he walked in and we were like, “Bye. Bye-bye. Door!”

Bowen: And sure Kanye and Skechers would have been a perfect partnership. He’s always been a disruptor in the fashion industry.

Marcello: And we invented shoes you can wash in a washing machine.

Bowen: But again, we would never partner with him.

Chloe: Never.

Cecily: Absolutely not.

Bowen: Besides, what would you even call a Kanye Skechers shoe anyway? The Skeezy? it’s actually not bad.

Marcello: But we’re not doing it.

Chloe: Right. Because of the anti semitism.

Cecily: I’m proud to work for Skechers. I mean, when’s the last time I’ve said that? All we want is for people to know where Skechers stands.

Chloe: And for a little recognition of how cool this makes us look.

Cecily: But it’s not all about us. It’s not like all birds is fighting the fight.

Bowen: Now I noticed we haven’t heard anything from Crocs not saying Crocs is anti semitic. I just think it’s interesting we haven’t heard from them.

Cecily: And if you want to tweet your support to Sketchers, just a reminder, there’s no ‘T’ in Sketchers. #SketchersHeroes. No ‘T’ in heroes either. But I think people know that.

Bowen: So thanks, but no thanks, Kanye.

Marcello: We don’t need you.

Chloe: We don’t stand with you.

Cecily: And we might mess up in the future. But we didn’t this time.

Bowen: And besides, I’m sure Kanye will find some morally dubious company to work with instead.

[Cut to My Pillow commercial]

Mike Lindell: He’s sure will. Hey, it’s me Mike Lindell, founder of My Pillow. And I’m proud to announce that we are starting ties with Kanye West. In fact, immediately.

Male voice: My Pillow, Sketcher’s trash is My Pillow’s treasure.

Weekend Update Trumps 14 Page Response to Jan 6 Subpoena Kanye Wests AntiSemitic Tweets

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening everyone.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of Donald Trump at left top corner.]

After the January 6 committee subpoenaed Donald Trump, Trump responded the next day with a 14 page letter. 14 pages. Okay. Unabomber. I don’t know if this is a coincidence, but Trump wrote the letter on the same day the FDA confirmed the nation is experiencing a shortage of Adderall. And I just know from experience in college, anytime I wrote a 14 page paper in one night, I’d also taken a disturbing amount of Adderall. My favorite part of Trump’s letter is the beginning because it’s on really nice letterhead. It starts “Dear Chairman Thompson”. And then the first line is just screaming. It’s like reading a Victorian love letter that says “My beloved Winifred, who the hell are you having sex with?”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Nancy Pelosi and Mike Pence at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The committee showed a never before seen video from January 6 of a desperate Nancy Pelosi speaking on the phone with Mike Pence. Which tuppence counts as adultery. In the video, Pelosi said that she wanted to punch out Donald Trump and knew that if she did, she’d go to jail and be happy. I assume because she owns stock in private prisons.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Herschel Walker at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: During last night’s Georgia Senate debate Rafail Warnock accused Herschel Walker of lying about working in law enforcement. Then Walker pulled out a prop badge and said “I am work with many police officers,” which is yet another sign that Herschel Walker is has brain problems.

[Picture changes to Mitch McConnell]

Senator Mitch McConnell seen here watching someone get injured at the Special Olympics, said that he is not concerned with threats Donald Trump makes at his rallies to remove him as Senate Minority Leader. In fact, McConnell says the threats make him laugh harder than his favorite comedy show Dahmer.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Kanye West at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Kanye West’s anti-semitic tweets were condemned by the Black Jewish Entertainment Alliance. Just say Lenny Kravitz.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s are pictures of Elon Musk and Kanye West at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: After Kanye West unhinged social media post, Elon Musk tweeted “Talk to Ye and express my concerns about his recent tweet, which I think he took to heart.” Well, that settles it. If there’s one thing we all trust Elon with, it’s successfully reading another human beings emotional cues.

Kyle Vs Kanye

Kyle Mooney

Beck Bennett

[Starts with video clips of Kyle in his daily life]

Kyle narrating: Yes, I’m nervous. Of course I’m nervous. But it’s like, this is the thing I’ve wanted my whole life.

[Cut to Kyle preparing for the show]

Kyle: [rapping] Man, I wear MCs like a sandal
blow them out, be gone, flame from the candle

Kyle narrating: When I’m rhyming, when I’m rapping, that’s me. I mean this is what I’ve been working for. This is what I’ve been building towards, and if I don’t try now, when will I try?

[Cut to Kyle on TV show]

Kyle: This week is exciting though. With Kanye on and I’m a big fan. This week I think I wanna freestyle battle him.

Male TV Host: That’s very gutsy.

Female TV Host: That is gutsy.

Kyle narrating: I feel like a lot of people are wondering like, why are you focusing on this? My goal here is for people all over the world to look at me and just go like, “Wait a second. That’s hiphop.”

[Cut to video clip of Kyle rapping when he was just a kid.]

Hiphop culture has always been so important to me. I even taught myself how to break dance. And I was good. Like, really, really, really, really, really good. Here I am, a kid, moonwalking.  So, I’m doing albums, music videos, thinking this is what I’m gonna do for the rest of my life, it’s all finally happening. And then, this is where it’s not easy. Then I got hired by Saturday Night Live. And I have no idea what I’m doing out there.

[Cut to video clips of old SNL videos of Kyle Mooney]

I’m lost. I’m scared. I’d feel like everybody’s thinking, “Wait, he’s not a rapper.”

It’s like when people see me, they see, “Oh, he’s this white nerdy guy.” Sort of heartthrob, who’s like on the rise maybe. But that doesn’t matter. The real reason I’m here is to become the greatest rapper alive. And I think I can do that by beating Kanye West in a battle. Freestyle battle. Kanye West, man that stinks, grab a mint!  What is that? Your Kanye breath? Wow! That’s actually dope.

[Cut to a video clip of Kyle talking to Beck in a wedding ceremony.]

Kyle: Beck.

Beck: What’s up?

Kyle: I think it’s going to happen. I think I’m about to battle Kanye.

Beck: No. I don’t think that’s a good idea, man.

[Cut to Kyle]

Kyle narrating: Here we go.

[Cut to Kyle approaching Kanye at SNL studio]

Kyle: Kanye, I’m gonna battle you.

Kanye: Huh?

Kyle: Kanye West, you knew–

Kanye West, you need a mint for you Kanye breath
and when I’m done with you, there should be no Kanye left
and are you gonna say anything?
No, I guess not, coz it seems like I’m the catcher
You’ve just been caught,
taught, like I’m a teacher with lesson

Kanye: I miss the old Kanye
trap up the soul Kanye
straight from the G.O.A.T Kanye
ill with the flow Kanye
I hate the new Kanye
the always rude Kanye
the bad mood Kanye
spazzing the news Kanye
I miss the old Kanye
kicking the flows Kanye
Where are the props at yet?
I miss the old Kanye
we know we love Kanye
You used to love Kanye
You had that pink pullover
You thought you was Kanye
we still love Kanye
that’s all it was, Kanye
well guess what? I love you like Kanye loves Kanye

[Kanye turns around leaves]

Kyle narrating: Well, that was the biggest mistake of my life. I just destroyed Kanye in a rap battle and now he’s probably really sad. Well, at least my career’s on fire! Yes! Do it the!

[The End]