Beck Bennett
Pete Davidson
Alex Moffat
Vanessa Bayer
Sasheer Zamata
Cecily Strong
Emma Stone
Leslie Jones
Karla… Melissa Villaseñor
[Starts with five colleagues in their office]
Beck: Well gang, thanks for working so late on the night before our big Christmas break. And you are all anxious to get back to your families, so I’ll see you in two weeks. Alirght?
[As everyone is getting ready to leave, three ladies walk in. Pete whispers on Beck’s ears.]
Oh, wait. What’s that? Okay. Um, sit down for a sec, everybody. Um, evidently our wonderful cleaning crew here has put together a Christmas show.
Pete: Really? And they wanna do it now?
Alex: I was hoping to catch the 9 o’clock train.
Cecily: [Russian accent] Oh, I’m so sorry. We can just clean your mess and say or do nothing?
Vanessa: Of course, we will stay and watch your show. You do so much for us.
Emma: Thank you, Ms. Christine.
Vanessa: Thank you Ms. Thang, about to perform with your other two Ms. Thangs.
Sasheer: You don’t know their names, do you?
Cecily: It’s a tradition in our country to share songs.
Emma: So, we write one just for you.
Leslie: With you in mind.
Beck: Sounds great!
Cecily: Okay, we are ready. [Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie] [music playing. They open their outer outfit. Inside, they’re wearing tight dress.]
[singing] hey there, Santa, you’ve been a bad boy
All: Like you do, like you do, like you always damn do
Emma: You came down the chimney and pushed me on the floor
All: What he do? What he do? What does Santa do to you?
Santa said be quiet as a mouse
don’t tell anybody or I’ll burn down your house
bad boy Santa, bad boy Santa
Santa’s a bad, bad boy.
[The staff are clapping]
Beck: Um, that was, um, something. So, thank you. Yeah.
Cecily: It was okay, or bad and you hate it?
Emma: Your face looks confused. You know who is Santa, right?
Leslie: He stand in your house and he goes “Ho, ho, ho!”
Beck: Yes, he does! He sure does. Very cute, ladies.
Vanessa: Thank you for sharing your beautiful cultures with you. I could listen to that for hours.
Pete: Really, Christine?
Emma: Oh, good, good. We have more.
Beck: Okay, well just one more. Deal?
Leslie: It’s a deal.
[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]
Emma: Wake up Santa, get out of my bed
it’s time to deliver those presents
Cecily: I know you want to go again
but it’s time to deliver those presents
Leslie: Santa, no, what did I say?
put on your pants and get back in your sleigh
All: Santa, Santa, Santa
just make it fast
Beck: Um, okay. That was number two.
Leslie: You don’t like?
Beck: Well, here in America, we don’t really think of Santa that way.
Cecily: Like in fun sexy way?
Emma: Like a big Frisker?
Cecily: Yeah, like a goofy elf and he’s horny all the time.
Alex: Kids, that’s not true about Santa.
[There are three kids looking at Alex]
Vanessa: Oh, god damn! I forgot your kids are here.
Alex: Yeah, I have them this weekend. I get on a year. Supervised. Hi, Karla.
Karla: [standing with the kids] This isn’t great, Dan!
Beck: Okay. I think we’ve all had enough. So let’s do just one more to make sure.
Pete: But they didn’t ask to do one more.
Cecily: We had one though.
[Cut to Cecily, Emma and Leslie]
Cecily: The elves are lined up outside my door
each one more worked up than the one before
Emma: Santa told the elves they could have a turn
Bad boy Santa, you never learn
Leslie: Give me a break, put the camera away
All: Plus I think, you’re too drunk anyway
Santa, Santa, Santa, what did I tell you
about my chimney
it only goes one way!
Beck: Well, I don’t see how you could top that. But let’s do two or three more just to make sure.
Emma: Okay. But this next one is a little bit dirty…
[The End]