Themyscira

Wonder Woman… Gal Gadot

Leslie Jones

Mother… Cecily Strong

Dre… Kate McKinnon

Megan… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with warriors training] [Cut to Wonder Woman and Leslie sparring]

Leslie: Your power grows each day.

Wonder Woman: I was born to fight and save the world from Ares.

Leslie: And you will.

[Mother walks in]

Mother: Diana! We have spoken about this. I do not wish you to fight.

Wonder Woman: I must be prepared, mother. For Themyscira is a sanctuary of sisterhood. We must know how to protect ourselves.

All: Here, here.

[Dre and Megan sail in on a boat]

Dre: Hello. Hello? Oh, man.

Megan: Oh, wow. Permission to dock, ladies?

Dre: Yeah. Permission to dock. Hey.

[Dre and Megan get out of the boat and walk to Wonder Woman]

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been floating out there watching you guys kick ass.

Dre: And I was like, “Megan, paddle that way.” Yeah.

Wonder Woman: How did you find Themyscira?

Dre: Well, we went out on our schooner. We got caught in some kind of vortex.

Megan: Yeah. We’ve been paddling out there for weeks looking for some signs of life.

Dre: We were thinking we’re never going to get home so we started looking for more of our kind.

Megan: Yeah. And it looks like we found a whole island of us.

Wonder Woman: Well, welcome.

Dre: Thank you. Nice to meet you. I guess I’ll cut to the chase. Show a hands, who else here is a les?

[the warriors don’t raise their hands]

Is it everyone or do we have a couple of allies.

Megan: Yeah. Okay, so, it’s Megan and Dre. Who else? We got two. We’d love to see that [pointing at Wonder Woman’s hand] hand go up, Diane.

Wonder Woman: I’m not sure I understand.

Dre: Okay. We’re on it. So far for hands, we got Megan, we got Dre. Got to be more. This is outrageous.

Megan: Yeah. Maybe somebody in the back? you with the frosted tips?

Dre: Okay. So, nobody.

Megan: Nobody but the three of us. [hand gesture including Wonder Woman with them]

Wonder Woman: Oh, I didn’t raise my hand.

Megan: Okay, this is a huge letdown for us.

Dre: Again, just coz the whole thing seemed super gay.

Wonder Woman: You should be a couple.

Leslie: Yeah, y’all cute together.

Dre: Okay, we tried.

Megan: We tried.

Dre: It’s a no.

Megan: It’s a no.

Dre: It was not a fit.

Megan: Yeah. Yeah. We spent about half an hour working very hard on each other. And then I finally said, “Are you as miserable as I am?”

Dre: And I nodded.

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry. You are taking this wrong way.

Heidi: Diana is right.

[Melissa is playing with Heidi’s hair]

Melissa: Your hair smells like jasmine.

[Heidi and Melissa giggles with each other flirting]

Megan: Okay.

Dre: That burns.

Megan: Yeah.

Dre: I mean, what is that? That’s such a waste.

Megan: yeah. And that so easily could transition into such a cool night.

Wonder Woman: I mean I love all my sisters. But when I look at their bodies, all I see is strength and power.

Dre: Yeah, yeah. So, we see the same thing, but we see it on top of us squirming around, followed by a long discussion about our anxieties and our aging parents.

Megan: Yes.

[Melissa and Heidi are laughing]

Heidi: I vested you again.

Melissa: Your thighs are too too strong.

Megan: Okay. It’s like we are in a porn, but the plumber is just genuinely there to fix the pipes.

Dre: Dammit! Dammit! No one’s wrong here. It’s just– it’s just unfortunate.

[Wonder Woman puts her hands on each of Dre and Megan’s shoulders]

Wonder Woman: Will it help for me to comfort you? For we are all sisters. Lay your heads on my tits. [Wonder Woman puts Dre and Megan’s heads on her breasts.]

Megan: Okay. Do you see why this sucks for us?

Dre: See, this makes it so much worse. Water, water everywhere. Do you understand?

Megan: Yeah.

Wonder Woman: No, I really want to understand. I do. I know. Maybe I should just try and kiss one of you and see if I feel something.

Megan: Okay. I don’t want to play this game. I get too emotionally involved.

Dre: We’re not guinea pigs. We’re not here for you to experiment on. Unless you feel strongly about it.

Megan: Yeah. I mean, you are an amazon and you could overpower us.

Dre: Right. Right. It’s useless for us to try to fight you. So I guess just pick one of us. I’ll do it.

Wonder Woman: Very well.

Dre: Alright. Alright.

[Megan is biting her fingers.] [Wonder Woman kisses Dre. The kiss looks very intimate] [cheers and applause]

Wonder Woman: I’m sorry, I feel nothing.

Megan: Okay. And I felt nothing watching.

Dre: Nope. Me neither. Zero. I felt zero from that. So, now we know. Good. Get in the boat. This is too sad.

Megan: Yeah. Okay. Where are we going?

Dre: Away from here.

Megan: Okay. Okay.

[Cut to a cartoon map. A boat reaches an island called Lesbo’s.]

Female voice: Land ho! Just be cool. Ladies, ahoy!

The Maiden and The Mice

Mina… Gal Gadot

Kyle Mooney

Aidy Bryant

Kate McKinnon

Prince… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Story Book Classics intro]

Male voice: WE now return you to ‘Story Book Classics’ presents, The Maiden and the Mice.

[Cut to Mina getting in a room]

Mina: Oh, no! All is lost.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: What’s wrong, Mina?

Aidy: Don’t cry, Mina.

Kate: We love you.

[Cut to all]

Mina: Oh, my good, good mice. My evil stepmother. She stole my gown right before the ball, and the prince is on his way.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Never fear, Mina.

Aidy: You can still go to the ball.

Kate: Because we made you a dress!

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: What? Oh, little mice. You are my best and dearest friends. Where is it?

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: We will show you.

[Cut to all. The mice pull the divider in front of Mina and starts changing her dress.]

Aidy: Okay. We’ll help you. There we go. A thread is here.

Kyle: That’s the buttons. Perfect.

Aidy: Amazing!

Kate: Incredible.

[The divider is removed. The dress is horrible.]

Kyle: Oh, Mina, it’s perfect.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh! It’s– whoa!

Kyle: See, speechless!

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: She loves it.

Kate: You do love it, right princess?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, yeah. Of course I do. It’s just a lot.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: What does that mean?

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, no, don’t get me wrong. It’s great. I just– I might take it with me and put it on there when I get there.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Why? You’re already wearing it.

Aidy: Princess, if you don’t like it, please, just say so.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: It’s just not really me. You see, I would never choose this for myself.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Well, we can add more hair balls if you want.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Um, maybe.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Is it a maybe? Or is it a no?

[Cut to all]

Mina: Okay. If I’m being completely honest…

Kyle: Oh, sure, start now.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Well, it’s made of rags and bags and chunks of dust.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. We’re working on a budget of zero dollars.

Kyle: And also, we’re mice. It’s a miracle we made anything.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I just can’t wear this to the ball.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: Okay. Okay, cool. Well, I wish we knew that before we spent nine hours on it.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Ah! I didn’t know you were definitely working on it. I mean, I heard you mention it but I didn’t realize it was a go.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Yeah. My mom’s doing fine, by the way.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: I’m sorry. I could maybe wear it to the afterparty.

[Cut to the mice]

Aidy: Look, we want you to wear it because you want to wear it, not because you’re humoring us.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Oh, guys. Come on. Look at this. There’s big holes in it and the stitches are uneven.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: Of course the stitches are uneven. Once again, we’re mice.

Aidy: Yes. The button is the size of my whole body.

Kate: We only live like, a year. We basically gave you our 20s.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: And I appreciate it. But this is not an evening gown.

[Cut to the mice]

Kate: What do you know? You’re poor.

Aidy: Yeah. You’re poor. We live in a castle. We’re rich.

[Cut to Mina]

Mina: Stop calling me poor.

[Cut to the mice]

Kyle: You’re poor. Poor!

Mice: The prince!

[The prince walks in]

Prince: Mina, you look… wow.

Mina: Oh, my prince. I know. It’s terrible. All I have is a dress made by mice.

Prince: You mean… [Prince bows to the mice] You made this beautiful thing?

Aidy: Well, yes.

Prince: Would you accompany me to the ball?

Aidy: Oh, yes.

Mina: What? What about me?

Prince: Oh, sorry. I don’t date poor chicks. It gets messy real fast.

[The End]

E! New Line Up

Kendall Jenner, Gigi Hadid… Gal Gadot

Bella Hadid… Kate McKinnon

Blake Shelton… Luke Null

Gwen Stefani… Melissa Villaseñor

Kanye West… Chris Redd

Nene Leaks… Leslie Jones

[Starts with video Channel commericial]

Female voice: The world is a complete bummer right now. And here at E, we know that sometimes you just have to be like, “Buhh.” So turn your brain off with our new line-up of fall programming. First, we’re celebrating 10 years of the Kardashian dynasty with our new series, “Kendall’s Model House.” Tune in, it’s Kendall Jenner and super model sisters Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid complain around a huge bowl of fruits.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid]

Kendall Jenner: I’m under a lot of pressure.

Bella Hadid: So much pressure.

Kendall Jenner: [looking at Gigi Hadid] You’re prettier than me.

Gigi Hadid: No way. You are so much prettier than me.

Kendall Jenner: Wait. Which one am I? [Kendall Jenner, Bella Hadid and Gigi Hadid are thinking] Alexa?

Alexa: You are Kendall Jenner.

Female voice: What? Not everything can be good news. So, if you wanna feel absolutely nothing, watch ‘Down Home with Blake and Gwynn’, Tuesdays at 9:30.

[Cut to Blake and gwynn singing]

Blake Shelton: [singing] I love you, girl.

Gwen Stefani: [singing badly] I love you too.

Blake Shelton: No, you go high.

Blake Shelton and Gwen Stefani: [singing] I love you.

Blake Shelton: You know what? We’re going to work on it.

Female voice: You’d watch that for 20 minutes, and that’s okay. [Cut to Kanye West hiding from the camera] You know the moments on the Kardashians where Kanye clearly doesn’t want to be on camera? Now, there’s a show that’s just that. It’s “Where’s Kanye?” He’s hanging back because he is shy or he doesn’t want to be associated with the show. “Where’s Kanye?” Then Wednesday at 10:15, get lost in Kendall’s World.

[Cut to Kendall Jenner walking around her house]

Kendall Jenner: Hello? [looking around]

Female voice: As Kendall Jenner literally gets lost in her own house.

Kendall Jenner: Hello?

Female voice: The house is so big and empty and she’s only there two weeks out of the year.

[Kendall Jenner opening door]

Kendall Jenner: Is this the bathroom? Damn, closet again!

Female voice: But hey, that’s “Kendall’s World.” And Thursdays at 10, “Background Actors of Riverdale.” Then, their bosses, hoes and twins on “Powerful Sluts of Miami.” And you love her on “Fashion Police”, now reality star Nene Leaks has her own show.

Nene Leaks: I was on Bravo. Now I’m on E! I’m everywhere, bitch! I hate that.

Female voice: Nene Leaks, “If I Hate That.” Round out the week with special episodes of “Kendall’s World”. That’s right. She’s still lost. But she found a comfy closed to hunker down in.

[Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid finally meet]

Kendall Jenner and Bella Hadid: Oh, yay!

Kendall Jenner: Where is Gigi?

Bella Hadid: She didn’t make it. did you go to the bathroom in here?

Female voice: Kendall’s World, Fridays at 9, 9:30, 10, 10:30 and so on forever. Only on E. You want this!

Weekend Update- Angela Merkel on Reelection

Colin Jost

Angela Merkel… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel was reelected as chancellor of Germany for a fourth term and is now the longest serving leader in Europe. Here to comment is German chancellor Angela Merkel.

[Angela Merkel slides in] [cheers and applause]

Angela Merkel: Yes. I am the winner. Yay! Yay!

Colin Jost: Are you happy that you won?

Angela Merkel: Yes. Of course I’m happy. [Cut to Angela Merkel] Is that not coming across? I have been working on my smile. Yay!

[Cut to Colin Jost and Angela Merkel]

Colin Jost: No. It seems a little tortured.

Angela Merkel: Well, to be honest, Colin, part of me was hoping to retire even though the average retirements age in Germany is 87, [Cut to Angela Merkel] at which point you transition into manual labour. Also, my victory was bitter sweet because the far, far right party won seats in our parliament for the first time since– you know– [mouth gesturing] [Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: What was that?

Angela Merkel: You know. The– [gibberish]

Colin Jost: Okay, yes, the Nazis. Right, yeah. You seem a little stressed out, chancellor.

Angela Merkel: Oh, thank you.

Colin Jost: No, I mean I’m worried about you. It seems like you are dealing with a lot.

Angela Merkel: Well, tell me about it. [Cut to Angela Merkel] It’s like everyone in Europe is having a Rowdy Slumber party and I’m the mean mom who has to send them straight to bed without their radishes.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Do you have any allies left?

Angela Merkel: No ally. It’s mostly access these days. [Cut to Angela Merkel making faces] Except, except–

Colin Jost: Yeah.

Angela Merkel: Except for that French hunk Macron, ooh-la-la. Get me some diaphragms. I think of him and I’m like, “Obama who?” [looking at the camera] Barack, is it working? Am I making you jealous? Leave Michelle.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Okay. I can tell you’re still a little hung up on president Obama, huh?

Angela Merkel: I know I must accept that it’s over and move on. So, I decided to get rid of everything in my house that reminds me of him. [Angela Merkel pulls out a box] A love letter that I wrote to him but never sent. [reading the letter] “To whom it may concern, I respect you, tepid regards, Merkel.”

Colin Jost: It’s beautiful.

Angela Merkel: [pulls out a CD] A CD I made you but was too shy to give. It’s a mix of all the songs by Creed. [pulls out a picture of her and Obama] A picture of us at the G20 summit. I was cold and you let me borrow your jacket. Turns out we were wearing the same suit. [closes the box and puts it away] I had to stop following him on social media so I wouldn’t be tempted to slide into his DMs. One night, I had one too many shots… one. And I sent him a picture of my bare knee. He wrote back, “Is that a peeled potato?”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Wow. It’s got to be hard to go from Obama to Trump. I heard Trump didn’t even call you. He had four days to congratulate you.

[Cut to Angela Merkel]

Angela Merkel: Dis muta fuka. Four days. [yelling] Four days! Which in Germany is like 20 business days. Finally, I sent him a tiny email. I was like, “Are you going to say anything?” And he was like, “Oh, sorry, Just saw this, didn’t have my phone.” And I was like, “That feeling when he doesn’t text you back, but you see him tweeting.”

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Well, chancellor, I hope you find some time after your victory to relax and have fun. I mean, Halloween’s right around the corner.

Angela Merkel: Ah! Yes, yes. I already know what my costume will be. [Cut to Angela Merkel] I’ll be going as slutty Angela Merkel. That’s me, but with a hat.

[Cut to Angela Merkel and Colin Jost]

Colin Jost: Angela Merkel, everyone!

The Chaos President Cold Open

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Cruz… Melissa Villaseñor

Jeff Sessions… Kate McKinnon

Chuck Schumer… Alex Moffat

[Starts with Sarah walking to the oval office]

Sarah: Welcome back from bed, Mr. president.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Sarah. I had to come back. Sometimes when you’re president, you have to make sacrifices. So I skipped the back nine.

Sarah: Um, I understand, Mr. President. Sir, mayor Cruz of San Juan is on the line.

Donald Trump: I was expecting this phone call. Sure she wants to tell me what a great job I am doing.

[picks up the phone]

Yes, mayor, you wanted to talk to me?

[Cut to split screen with Cruz and Donald Trump]

Cruz: Yes, Mr. President, I’m so glad to have you on the phone. I’m begging you. Puerto Rico needs your help.

Donald Trump: I hear you loud and clear. And you called the best person for the job. [Cut to Donald Trump] Trust me. I know things are at the locals say ‘Despacito’. We’re gonna get more help to you. We’ll get to you immediately probably by Tuesday or Wednesday at the latest.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Mr. President, that’s not good enough.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you should have paid your bills. Thema takes a few days unless you join Thema prime.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: What are you talking about?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Ma’am, I don’t know if you know this, but you’re in an island in the water. The ocean water. Big ocean. With fishies and bubbles and turtles that bite. We wanna help you but we have to take care of America first.

[Cut to Cruz]

Cruz: Wait, you do know we’re a US territory, don’t you?

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I mean I do, but not many people know that.

[Cut to split screen with Donald Trump and Cruz]

Cruz: Sir, e just need help please.

[Donald Trump hangs up the phone]

Donald Trump: Wow! That woman was so nasty.

Sarah: Mr. President, I got to be honest. This is only gonna get way worse.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: I like you, Sarah. You’re a straight shooter. That’s why you outlasted Sean Spicer, Scaramucci, Banon, Priebus, Gorkha flame and Tom Price.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Thank you, sir. I think it’s because folks listen to me because I’m no nonsense but I’m all nonsense.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, you handled that NFL thing just great.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Oh, well, I’m a little embarrassed that I said it’s a black and white issue. I should have said it’s a black vs. white issue.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: It’s disgraceful. You know, I actually love football. I could’ve played. People say I remind them of an NFL player because I’m combative. I like to win. And I might have degenerative brain disease.

[Cut to Sarah]

Sarah: Well, I will stand by you, sir. No matter what you say.

[Cut to Donald Trump]

Donald Trump: Well, trust me. It may seem like what’s coming out of my mouth is B-A-N-A-N-A-S, but it’s all part of the plan. The more chaos I cause, the less people can focus. We’re all getting so tired. So tired. Let me show you. How long did I declare war on North Korea and the rocket man?

[Cut to Sarah and Donald Trump]

Sarah: Um, four months?

Donald Trump: Wrong! it was last Friday. See? I’m bending time. So, let’s keep the chaos coming and shake things up around here. Speaking of shaking things up, get Jeff Sessions in here.

Sarah: Okay. Alright.

[As soon as Sarah walks out, Jeff Sessions stand up from right behind Donald Trump]

Jeff Sessions: Good afternoon, Mr. President.

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: Jeff, how did you get in here so fast?

Jeff Sessions: Well, I live in the grandfather clock just in the hallway. I made friends with some mice. They tell me secrets.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I’m thinking about making a few changes in my administration.

Jeff Sessions: Aw! Digiddi dong!

Donald Trump: But you’ve been with me from the beginning. And you know, I value loyalty.

Jeff Sessions: Yes, Mr. President. I’m very, very loyal.

Donald Trump: But, you went against me on the darker thing. And you wouldn’t fire James Comey when I needed you to.

Jeff Sessions: I know I was a bad boy. Very bad. Very bad. I should not have recuse myself from Coleman calamity. I don’t know. I got spooked.

Donald Trump: Jeff, I need someone with real balls. Not what you have which is two little George Pickens. Okay? Um, we have to do something right now.

Jeff Sessions: I understand. Time for the belt.

Donald Trump: I’m not doing that, Jeff.

Jeff Sessions: Oh, no. Please, sir. Don’t tweet on me. Please. I cannot get tweeted all over again.

Donald Trump: Tweet is so powerful, aren’t they? You fear the tweets.

Jeff Sessions: No, no. Donny. Donny, please.

Donald Trump: God, it’s so hard when you’re so damn cute. Come on over here to daddy.

[Donald Trump pulls Jeff Sessions and makes him sit on his laps]

Jeff, we’ll get through this.

Jeff Sessions: Thank you. i will not let you down. I might look adorable but I am frightening.

Donald Trump: You know, I’m nothing if not loyal. You were the first to get the republican party on my side. And I’ll always back them up because of you. You’re my guy, Jeff.

[Sarah walks in]

Sarah: Sorry to interrupt sir, but Chuck Schumer is here. He says you’re working on some kind of secret deal together.

[Cut to Donald Trump and Jeff Sessions. Donald Trump stands and puts Jeff Sessions down]

Donald Trump: Ah, yes. Send him in.

[Chuck Schumer walks in]

Chuck Schumer: There he is. How are you doing, sir? Ready for dinner? No great place for slices. You’ll feel like you’re back in Queens.

Donald Trump: Great! Let’s go.

Jeff Sessions: So, are you really leaving with him?

Donald Trump: I told you, I’m nothing if not loyal. Come on over here, Chuck. We’re both New Yorkers. We enjoy good slice. We never go to Time Square and we love saying–

Donald Trump, Jeff Sessions and Chuck Schumer: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Papyrus

Steven… Ryan Gosling

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

Chris Redd

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Steven sleeping at night]

Narrating: It happened again. [Steven wakes up] I thought it was behind me. But the dreams came back. [Steven is in the kitchen with Cecily] I was up all night. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep.

Cecily: What’s wrong?

Narrating: You know, it haunts me.

Steven: Nothing.

Cecily: Oh, Steven. Not this again.

Narrating: I forgot about it for years but then I remembered that Avatar, the giant international blockbuster used the Papyrus font as it’s logo.

[Cut to Kate in Steven’s therapy session]

Kate: Avatar, the movie from nine years ago?

Steven: Yeah. He just highlighted Avatar, he clicked the drop down menu and then he randomly selected Papyrus. Like a thoughtless child just wandering by a garden yanking leaves along the way.

Kate: And so now you’re worried about the sequels that are coming out?

Steven: They’re making more?

Kate: Yes. Well, I think I heard that.

Steven: They changed the artwork. They fixed it!

[Kate looks for Avatar 2 in the internet]

Kate: Um, it looks similar.

[Steven gets angry and flips the table in front of him] [Cut to Steven driving]

Narrating: He just got away with it. This man, this professional graphic designer. Was it laziness? Was it cruelty?

[Cut to Steven showing the Avatar poster to Chris]

Chris: You’ve showed me this before. I don’t think this is literally Papyrus. Maybe that was the starting point but they clearly modified this.

Steven: But whatever they did, [yelling] it wasn’t enough!

Narrating: And now, here I am doing what I vowed to never do again, sitting outside his house, hoping to catch a glimpse of him to see him doing his little things, live his insane little life.

[Cut to Steven drinking beer]

Steven: I think about it every time I see Papyrus.

Chris: Okay. Where else do you even see this font?

Steven: Hookah bars. Tequila merch. Off brand tees.

[As Steven is driving, he sees a man looking at him and whispering ‘Papyrus’. Being distracted, he crashes his car] [Heidi walks to Steven as he is getting out of the car]

Heidi: My god, are you okay? What happened?

Steven: Do you remember the Avatar logo?

Heidi: Um, yeah. It was tribal yet futuristic.

Steven: Papyrus.

Heidi: Oh, sure.

[Behind Heidi, Steven sees the man again]

Steven: I know what you did. [yelling] I know what you did.

Another Close Encounter

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Tod… Ryan Gosling

Rafferty… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Morris and Fitzsimmons interviewing three people]

Morris: Thank you all for coming on such a short notice. Once again, I’m agent Morris with the NSA and [pointing at Fitzsimmons] this is special agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are of great interest to the US government as you are the first and only people to have experienced two verified alien abductions.

Cecily: Man, this is nuts. Like, one minute, we are drinking beer in the Kohl’s parking lot. Now, we’re like cosmic curiosity.

Fitzsimmons: Indeed. Now, can you tell us how you were brought abroad the spacecraft?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, first of all, I’d like to thank you for this bitchin hat. It fits my head perfect. And I love it.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Oh, well, we’re glad you like it.

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Cecily: And also to answer your question, sir, it was sort of this pathway made of golden light came down from the spaceship. And we were just like gently ushered in and like, floated up into it.

Tod: Yeah, we got up and– you know, we got up into the hsip and we saw the aliens, glowing beams made of beautiful light. They welcomed us back. It was amazing.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: I see. And you, miss Rafferty.

[Cut to Rafferty. She is smoking a cigarette.]

Rafferty: Yea, cookie crumbled a little different for me over here. I wasn’t so much lifted by light as I was caught in a net. Little bastards set a snare for me. Next thing I know, I’m being winched straight up through the world’s sappiest pine tree. My slacks got snagged on a branch, so they are gone. And I’m hauled on board with my bush and mu tush hanging out. I see my old pals, the great aliens with the big, fat, stupid eyes and I’m hit with the realization, first time I’ve been on a second date since 2009.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Now, once aboard the ship, what happened?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: Well, the aliens touched our foreheads. And I saw my whole life, even parts I haven’t even lived yet. In a lot of those parts, I was wearing this hat.

Cecily: Yeah, yeah. It was as if through their touch, I understood the answer to that all-important question, “Why are we here.”

[Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty.]

Rafferty: [in a shock] What? These guys are tripping out at burning man. Meanwhile, I’m stranded at the fire festival. [Cut to Rafferty] I mean, I hadn’t been on board two minutes before the little Grays start tapping on my knockers. Keep in mind, I got no pants, so my tao and my chacco are out. And this one guy peeks around back and starts pointing at my butt like, “Whoa, how did we miss this?”

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Interesting. And how would you describe their demeanor?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Shoppers storming a Walmart on Black Friday. They were all dropping in, scrambling. A man shot my cheek meat like it’s pizza dough. Right? Some would knead for a bit, you know, and wait for another turn. I mean, if you’re coming back for seconds, that means dinner’s a hit, right?

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: Yeah, I wonder if this was some sort of anatomical study.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Na, I don’t think any of these guys were working on the Master’s Thesis. Here’s what I think was happening. [Cut to Cecily, Tod and Rafferty] You might help me out, Ted. Stand up.

[Tod stands]

Yeah, yeah, turn around. Thanks. [Tod turns. Rafferty starts grabbing Tod’s butts.] So, these guys don’t have butts. Regular butts. I don’t think they’re ever seen a crack before. So, my theory is, right, they thought I had like, broken into two pieces and they were trying to put humpty dumpty back together again. They were trying everything. I mean, they were pushing, they were slamming. They’d take one cheek, kind of jiggle it, and then poof! And they were making the sound the whole time like, [making noise]. One guy was trying to like, punch it back together like he was breaking in a catcher’s Mitt. Another one of these idiots was just like jamming his face. [Rafferty puts her face into Tod’s butt] Right in there, looking for the source of the tear. And I was like, “Hey, last guy who did that got double barrel pink eye.” Thanks Tod, you can sit down.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons] [cheers and applause]

Morris: How, how were you all returned to earth?

[Cut to Cecily and Tod]

Tod: We were led down a passage wave light cradled by what felt like a big fuzzy mitten. And it almost felt like I was like, god himself was playing with my hair. It was one of the most happiest moments of my life. Right up there with getting this hat.

Cecily: Tod, ease up on the hat. Um, but when the aliens left, I do remember like, feeling happy and safe. Because I know they would always be there, like, watch over me.

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Alright, that really puts a bee in my beaver. I got pushed out a hatch to find out they let me out on top of the ship. So I got to scoot myself down cold metal to a jump spot. I free fall 20 feet down. I land ass on a pool raft with my pink pocket and my stink rocket on full display in the middle of Danny Randle’s pool party.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry. Who is Danny Randle?

[Cut to Rafferty]

Rafferty: Beats the hell out of me but he’s never going to forget his 12th birthday, I tell you that.

[Cut to Morris and Fitzsimmons]

Morris: Alright, if you would come with us, we’d like to run some medical tests.

[Cut to all]

Rafferty: Just so you guys know, some of the bruises on my keister were there before the aliens got to it.

Rap Song

Big Chris… Kenan Thompson

Shantasia… Sasheer amata

Young Bitch… Pete Davidson

Prinsexxxy… Leslie Jones

Sno’Cone… Mikey Day

Sloppy Moses… Kyle Mooney

Marci Jamz… Melissa Villaseñor

King Keef… Dwayne Johnson

Lil’ Nitwit… Alex Moffat

2 Black Guyz… Colin Jost, Michael Che

Hawt Clown… Cecily Strong

Pregnasty… Kate McKinnon

Skiffle… Bobby Moynihan

Katy Perry

Kathleen Bell… Aidy Bryant

Essentially Simon… Beck Bennett

David S. Pimkskins… Tom Hanks

Dat Snatch*… Vanessa Bayer

[Music video starts with Big Chris in the intro] [music playing]

Big Chris: Uh! This that new track. New money crew. Cash Stack Records. Represent, Big Chris.

Shantasia: With Shantasia. Ha-ha.

Young Bitch: Featuring your boy, Young Bitch!

Big Chris: Here we go, uh! Yo…

Prinsexxxy: Prinsexxxy on the track.

[Big Chris is looking around getting confused]

Holding it down.

Sno’Cone: With Sno’Cone.

Big Chris: Yeah, they up on this track too. Y’all never heard this many MCs. Here we go. Yo…

Sloppy Moses: Sloppy Moses also part of this.

[Big Chris is annoyed]

Bring it down, West Coast!

Big Chris: Um, him too. And that’s more than enough now. Yeah, Big Chris.

Shantasia: Shantasia.

Young Bitch: Young Bitch.

Prinsexxxy: With Prinsexxxy.

Big Chris: Whole lot of people.

Sno’Cone: Sno’Cone!

Marci Jamz: Marci Jamz.

Sloppy Moses: It’s Sloppy Moses.

Big Chris: And then we cut it off there. Uh! Yeah. I mean, we more than covered on this particular track. And yo! Don’t think I ain’t notice you trying to fly under the radar Marci Jamz!

Sno’Cone: New Money Crew roll deep.

Big Chris: I mean, maybe too deep? I don’t know!

King Keef: Featuring King Keef.

Big Chris: No! This track is full, man! There ain’t no vacancy, B!

King Keef: King Keef does not accept that. Brought the whole Hoodlum squad to this track!

Sno’Cone: Hoodlums!

King Keef: Where you at, Lil’ Nitwit?

Lil’ Nitwit: Keep it greasy, y’all!

Big Chris: What happened there?

2 Black Guyz: With 2 Black Guyz.

Big Chris: Bad name!

Hawt Clown: Hey, Hawt Clown!

Big Chris: Ah, [bleep]

Hawt Clown: You know what it is.

Pregnasty: Gucci girl, Pregnasty!

Big Chris: No!

Skiffle: And y’all, don’t forget about your boy Skiffle! Bow-yaka-yaka.

Sloppy Moses: Ah!

King Keef: Oh! Skiffle!

Big Chris: Yo! Definitely ain’t no room for Skiffle.

King Keef: Yo, Skiffle, sing!

Katy Perry: And you know, Katy Perry on the track!

Kathleen Bell: With Kathleen Bell.

Big Chris: Aite, maybe not Kathleen Bell.

Kathleen Bell: [singing] Here we go, new music.

Essentially Simon: Essentially Simon, modern day witch. Bringing those new musings like nothing’s more dangerous than a genius with money.

Big Chris: Whatever! Anybody else?

David S. Pimpkins: David S. Pimkskins! [cheers and applause]

Big Chris: No!

King Keef: Yes!

Big Chris: Alright, everybody could say, you know, let’s just keep it orderly. Find a place to pop in, alright? Here we go. Big Chris on the mic like–

[All the rappers are rapping simultaneously. It’s noisy and doesn’t make sense.]

Stop! Stop! that did not work! It’s like I feel there’s too many people on this track. I’m sorry, y’all.

Dat Snatch*: Dat Snatch* out! Peace!

Big Chris: Yo! Who dis?

David S. Pimpkins: Any questions?

[The End]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Game Show

Kurt Burton… Mikey Day

Don… Kate McKinnon

Todd… Bobby Moynihan

Marcie… Melissa McCarthy

[Starts with three contestants ready to play a TV game show]

Male voice: It’s time to play America’s sweetest game show. ‘Just Desserts!’ And here’s your host, Kurt Burton.

[Kurt Burton walks in] [cheers and applause]

Kurt Burton: Ho-ho! Alright! Welcome to ‘Just Desserts.’ I’m your host, Kurt Burton. And today, three lucky contestants will be battling head to head to take the cake worth a yummy $50,000. Don, Todd and Marcie, one of you will be walking away winner.

Marcie: Whoo!

Kurt Burton: Ha-ha. marcie is excited. Now, you know how it works. We spin the board and you tell us when to stop. Land on a cash stack, and you’re richer than chocolate mousse. Or, land on a pie or cake, and you’ll be in a very sticky situation. Marcie, you won the coin toss back stage. So, you will start ups up by spinning that board.

Marcie: Okay, baby! Come on, cash stacks. Mama wants big old cash stack. No pies. No pies. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Oh, that’s pie.

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

A pie on the first pick.

Marcie: Is there a towel?

Kurt Burton: No, there is not. Todd, you’re up.

Todd: Cash, no pies. Come on! Cash, no pies. And stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh, 500 bucks and a pass a pie to the left. Marcie, you get pied.

Marcie: Wait! Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, you’re up.

Don: Ooh! Me want the cash stacks. I don’t want pies or cakes. And stop.

Kurt Burton: Ooh! $5,000 big ones, plus a take a cake. Take a cakes go to the right, so Marcie, happy birthday.

Marcie: Wait, what do you mean?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: And Don, choose your topic.

Don: Everybody loves sprinkles.

[A confetti is blasted on Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Alright. And finally, let’s blow out those candles.

[a blower is used on Marcie’s face]

Marcie: Ah! Ah! Ooh! Argh!

Kurt Burton: Alright. Marcie, you’re up.

Marcie: I can’t! I don’t see anything.

Kurt Burton: Marcie, just tell us when to stop.
Marcie: Stop.

Kurt Burton: Okay, Marcie, you did run out of time. And that means you get an out of time pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Whow! What a yummy first round. Let’s meet our players. Don Hamill, a dentist from Tacoma. Todd Spratt, a graphic designer from Cleveland. And Marcie Hill, a stay at home mother of none from Orlando. Marcie had a little trouble that round, huh?

Marcie: I did. I did. Yeah.

Kurt Burton: What do you think tripped you up?

Marcie: Um, I have to say the pies! I couldn’t see, hear and for most part, could not breathe out of either of these. Yeah, the pies got me. Ha-ha.

Kurt Burton: Yeah. The pies got you. Well, remember Marcie, it will cost you a turn and 100 big ones, but you can always ask for a clean up.

Marcie: Right. You know what? I completely forgot about the option because of the pie.

Kurt Burton: Well, let’s hope in round two it’s all cash stacks and no messy treats. And remember, this round prize and pie amounts are double dipped. Don, you are in lead with 5,000 big ones. Todd’s in the second with 500. And Marcie, you’re in third with zero big ones which means you get a zero pie.

Marcie: Wait, what?

[suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Don, start us off.

Don: Okay, cash stacks me want some, pies and cakes me don’t! Stop!

Kurt Burton: Oh! Pie!

Don: I’ll buy the pie.

Kurt Burton: Don, that’s your pie to pass. You can say the–

Don: Kurt, I’m gonna pass that pie to Marcie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.] Oh!

Kurt Burton: And, since this round is double dipped, that’s two for you.

Marcie: What? [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Might be a good time for a wife off, Marcie.

Marcie: Oh, yes. Clean up.

Kurt Burton: Alright. Here it comes.

[two pipes are spraying water to Marcie’s face]

Kurt Burton: Marcie, you chose clean up. That means you will lose your next turn.

Marcie: Oh, wait. It’s probably for the best.

Kurt Burton: It’s also going to cost you 100 big ones, but since your bank is empty, you pay in pie.

Marcie: Wait! [suddenly a hand his Marcie’s face with a plate of pie.]

Kurt Burton: Alright. Looks like we gotta take a break. Coming up, bigger stacks of cash and thicker, denser pies.

Marcie: Oh, god! No! No! Not with crust. Now with crust.

Kurt Burton: Only on, ‘Just Desserts!’