Weekend Update Smokery Farms Responds to the Plant-Based Burger Boom

Colin Jost

Michael Che

Vaneta Starkie… Aidy Bryant

Wylene Starkie… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Burger King reportedly had it’s best sales in four years because of the new impossible whooper which is made from a meat free, plant based patty. Here to respond, are owners of Smokery Farms Meat Gift delivery service, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene Starkie come in]

Vaneta Starkie: We’re cousins. We’re cousins.

Colin Jost: Welcome back, guys. Has the impossible burger hurt sales of real meat?

Wylene Starkie: Well, it ain’t helping, Colin. Okay? This computer beef that bleeds like the real thing is killing us.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: Yes, plus more and more folks are going vegan because they see videos of cute smart animals on videos like new born piglet and Joey’s bath.

Wylene Starkie: Or genius goat blows kisses at grandma.

Vaneta Starkie: But at smoker farms we solved that problem by serving meat from animals that are individually verified to be stupid, bad, rude and talent-free.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah! Now, you want to see the meat gifts, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: The meat gifts? No, I’m okay. No! Oh, you brought them.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yeah. Look at this beautiful bounty.

[Cut to a basket of meat Vaneta and Wylene Starkie have.] [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Vaneta Starkie: This cow chased an old lady into a pond. And she later passed away. Not from that, but it didn’t help. And now, he’s burger.

Wylene Starkie: Now, did you ever hear the duck who befriended a blind boy. Well this is his brother. A duck that ran around with his thing hanging out. You ever see a duck thing, Colin?

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Colin Jost: Duck thing, no I haven’t.

Vaneta Starkie: Oh, it looks like a drain snake. [Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] Go ahead and eat his wings and celebrate his demise.

Wylene Starkie: Now, you know, people say that pigs are highly intelligent animals. Capable of puzzles and simple math. Well, we found this one eating turds. Just slopping ‘em up like spaghetti, looking us right in the eye, like, “You like what you see?”

Vaneta Starkie: But hey, if you still feel too sad to eat something with a fuzzy face, take a half step and go pescatarian with our coast taster basket.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie] [They bring a basket of fish in]

Wylene Starkie: Oh, yum. Oh, yum, look at these dead little swimmers. Oh, Colin, look at that. Look at the sheen on there.

Colin Jost: Yeah! I see the sheen, yeah.

[Cut to Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Well, good, that’s how you know it’s wet.

Vaneta Starkie: And you know our fish got good flavor because it glistens and it stinks.

Wylene Starkie: Hey, listen. Fish are barely animals, okay? They’re stupid and I’ll tell you, they can’t even hug. Like this Alaskan King crab here, who refused to wear a condom because he says it messes with his flow. Now, go ahead and funk his ass in butter and suck the meat out.

Vaneta Starkie: This tender flounder is as flat as he thought the earth was.

Wylene Starkie: Now, this eel, he doesn’t go down. But it expects you to. Now, how does that work? Okay. Now you can eat his whole dang beautiful smelly body with a squeeze of lemon.

Vaneta Starkie: This oyster’s whole body is snot. And if you eat it, he makes you feel frisky.

[Cut to Colin Jost, Vaneta and Wylene Starkie]

Wylene Starkie: Now, are you feeling frisky, Colin?

Vaneta Starkie: Are we kind of getting you hot over here, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, I actually feel pretty sick.

Wylene Starkie: Yeah, well that’s part of it, sweetheart.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry, but none of these stories sound like they’re real.

Wylene Starkie: Oh, well, you a big fish boy, Colin?

Colin Jost: No, no!

Vaneta Starkie: You a cod licker?

Wylene Starkie: You cuckoo for cod, baby?

Vaneta Starkie: How about Michael Che?

[Cut to Michael Che]

Michael Che: It’s so bad even for me.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

[Cut to everybody]

For “Weekend Update”, I’m Colin Jost.

Michael Che: I’m Michael Che. Goodnight.

Rosie the Riveter

Mikey Day

Beck Bennett

Rosie the Riveter… Chloe Fineman

Donna… Heidi Gardner

Dot… Kate McKinnon

Norma… Kristen Stewart

Barb… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with a caption “America at War!”] [Cut to old black and white video clips of armies]

Narrator: While the men fight in Germany, [Cut to video clip of women working in factories] America’s women head to the factory to do their part.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking out of the door]

Mikey: Well, sir, I am honored you chose our factory to find the face of your new campaign.

Beck: Then we can do it poster reads a girl who embodies the ‘can-do’ spirit of America’s women.

Mikey: Well, these girls have that in spades. This is Rosie the Riveter.

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter]

Rosie the Riveter: Pleased to meet you, sir.

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Hmm. Rosie the Riveter. That’s got a nice ring to it.

Mikey: And here is Donna, a shell Shiner.

Donna: I shine them nice so that Germans see them coming.

Beck: Hmm, I like that spirit.

Mikey: And finally, we have our slug thumpers who do some of the heavier work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: There we go.

Norma: Whoa, whoa.

Barb: Open this son of a bitch. Keep fighting me, bitch, keep fighting me. That one was for you, Sammy.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck walking to the heavy workers]

Mikey: Ladies, may I have your attention.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Cram it, you coward.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Every day with this, ladies.

Dot: Why ain’t you over there killing Nazis, coward?

Norma: Any man is dungarees should be over there.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: I told you I had asthma and was deemed unfit.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: I got three sons over there fighting the krauts and one of them not more than 12 years old.

Norma: Yeah, you should be hanged.

Dot: Who is this fella?

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m from the army’s public relations board. We’re producing a poster to encourage more women to come work in the factories.

Mikey: He’s looking for a model.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Ooh, well, then look no further, there’s three of us right here, sir. I’m Barb, Norma and Dot.

Norma: Is this poster like a nudie thing or what? Because that’s perfectly fine with us.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: No, no. it will be very classy.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Hey, if it helps boys overseas, I’ll take the twins out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: You would not be nude, ladies.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Look, if getting a look at our plumbing means our boys will put a few more krauts in the ground, I’ll drop trou. No problem.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: It will just be a normal pose with the slogan, “We can do it.” Any ideas?

[Cut to Rosie the Riveter and Donna]

Rosie the Riveter: Maybe something like this?

Donna: Or this?

[Cut to everybody]

Beck: Say, those weren’t half bad.

Dot: Wait, wait! [Cut to three heavy workers] How about this? You’re gonna love it. Okay, wait! Imagine I’m Hitler, right?

Barb: I’m back here. And I got my cans out, smacking him and his stupid mustache pops right off.

Norma: And I’m the Statue of Liberty and I’ve got my jugs out.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: And that would go with the slogan, “We can do it?”

Barb: I mean, unless you got something better.

Beck: Remember, this poster is meant to encourage women to join the war effort.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: Any woman who ain’t already doing her part is a coward and a traitor.

Dot: Just like him.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Mikey: Oh, stop it. My asthma is very serious.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: If they would just let us fight, the damage we could do.

Norma: I wish I was over there. I would find Hitler, I would strip him naked, march him across Poland with lucky strays up between his cheeks.

Dot: Yeah, yeah. I would take that Hitler and shove his head right up my ass until he was dead.

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: What?

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Barb: You know what I would do? I would shoot that Hitler eight times in the leg and then I would say, “You want one more?” And he would say, “Nein.” And I would say, coming right up. And bam! One more!

Norma: We got the job or what? Come on!

[Cut to Mikey and Beck]

Beck: I’m on the fence. Just kidding. I’m not. I’m scared of you. I’m going with Rosie.

Mikey: I’m sorry, ladies, but keep up the good work.

[Cut to three heavy workers]

Dot: Would you mind holding this for a second? [Dot passes Mikey a hot metal ball]

Mikey: Sure. Ow!

Barb: Got you right, you coward.

Norma: You should be over there.

Dot: Do your part.

Mikey: Come on!

Barb: Coward!