Tag: Kate McKinnon

Final Encounter Cold Open

Morris… Aidy Bryant

Fitzsimmons… Mikey Day

Cecily Strong

Natasha Lyonne

Colleen… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with three people being held for investigation in NSA office]

Morris: Well, hello once again. [cheers and applause] I am agent Morris with the NSA and this is Special Agent Fitzsimmons.

Fitzsimmons: You three are a great interest to the US government as the bulk of you have experienced a third verified alien abduction.

Cecily: I mean, this is wild cuz we were just three gal pals road trippin to a hot sauce Expo. Now we’re VIP guests at the Pentagon.

Natasha: Yeah, and I just like to say for the record, Pentagon has always been my favorite shape. So this is a real treat for me.

Fitzsimmons: All right, good to hear. Now let’s start with how you were all brought into the spacecraft.

Cecily: Um, well we had pulled over on the side of the highway just to stretch our legs and suddenly I was like enveloped by this warm blue light.

Natasha: And it gently lifted us up onto the ship like we was floating. Well, then we met these aliens made pure energy. Almost like angels sir. I just about cried.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty?

Colleen: [smoking] Yes, same.

Morris: Oh, really.

Colleen: No, obviously not. Yeah, I wasn’t so much gently lifted as I was yanked skyward by some kind of claw machine device. And mind you, I’m popping squat on the median at the time. So I slide right out of my slacks and I’m being rocketed up to the ship with my coot-coote prune shooting, yeah. I barely managed to pull my Wonder ware backup.

Fitzsimmons: I’m sorry, your wonder wear?

Colleen: Yeah, I call them that because if you saw him, you’d wonder where they’ve been. Anyway, so I get dumped on board the bottom of the ship and I see my old pals, a little grey aliens with the big dumb eyes and it hits me, “Colleen, this might be the most stable relationship you ever had.”

Morris: Well, that’s unfortunate. Now once you were on board, what happened?

Natasha: While the aliens, they showed us like the five elemental forces that knit the fabric of reality together. And y’all never believe this but those five forces were arranged in a pentagon.

Cecily: And there’s a universal language that like, bond’s the universe together. The closest word we have to describe it is love.

Morris: And you Ms. Rafferty.

Colleen: A little different down in third class. I get on board and the grey aliens, god bless them, they’re already standing in line waiting about my knockers around. So I think what the hell, play the hits, right? I started on buttoning my blouse, but I’m still in my skivvies which are real loose. So my yeasty and my beastie are in full view. Listen, not to get too graphic but pubic-ly speaking, it’s is a jungle down there. I got more hair poking out the sides than a hipsters beard stuffed into an n95. I’m not proud of it but hey, why clean the house and nobody’s coming over, right?

Morris: Thanks, Ms. Rafferty for that detailed account? Now? What happened next with the energy beings?

Natasha: Well, aliens showed us how an infinite number of realities can coexist at once.

Cecily: Yeah, and like how, all the different realities converge in this one spot where all the love of every being exists forever. It’s kind of what we would call heaven.

Colleen: What? All right, no, these are these two are hanging with Dr. Strange in the multiverse. Meanwhile I’m stuck with the Madness, okay? Because back in economy, word is out about my hairy squatter and the greys are all buzzed, okay? These clowns are pointing at Madame their hair, and they’re kind of— They’re elbowing each other. Like, “Hey, are you guys seeing this?”

Fitzsimmons: So the group’s reaction was one of excitement?

Colleen: Yeah, like when a dog— Like a dog when its owner comes home from work. Whoo! It was bedlam, okay? They’re running around. They’re waving their arms like Kermit the Frog. Making weird little noises like [making noise] And then one of these little bastards runs up, and I’m sorry Carla, I gotta use you here. Plucks one, yeah. Plucks one right out, start showing it off. And suddenly my curlies have become the must have item of the season. And they’re flying out the shelves. These morons are grabbing and grabbing, climbing all over each other like my bush is the last lifeboat on the Titanic.

Morris: And were you unsettled by this at all.?

Colleen: No, honestly, the entire time all I could think was “Damn, that fortune teller was dead on.” Did you guys get any that pube stuff?

Cecily: No, no pube stuff. Sorry.

Colleen: Hey, don’t apologize. First time in my life, I’m ready for bikini season.

Morris: Wow. Again, very detailed. Well, how are you returned to Earth?

Cecily: So there was another self light that washed over me and I was instantly just back to where I was before.

Natasha: Oh, it was like waking up from an amazing dream.

Colleen: Okay, see now, that really rips my nips. Because I had to climb down a GD rope ladder that was too short. Right? So I dropped 20 feet and I land ass up with my dong haul and my wrong haul out in the middle of a field.

Fitzsimmons: And what happened next?

Colleen: the umpire called timeout. And the mid security staff took me out of the stadium. Look not the most embarrassing thing I’ve done on a Jumbotron.

Morris: That was a riveting testimony. But there is something you should all know. We’ve been in contact with the beings.

Fitzsimmons: They have offered the US government access to some of their technology if one of you agrees to go with them permanently.

Colleen: Well, I can read the room, it’s me right? Sure. Why not? I always kind of felt like an alien on this planet anyway.

[a door opens. It’s dark here and very bright behind the door. Colleen walks to the door.]

Well, Earth, I love you. Thanks for letting me stay a while. [two aliens come out and look around] Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Three Daughters

Prince Andaman… Mikey Day

King… Kenan Thompson

Lucilia… Ego Nwodim

Regalia… Selena Gomez

Blondelia… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a story book opening]

Male voice: Once upon a time, a Prince journey to a faraway kingdom, and after bravely slaying the local dragon, won the chance to choose a princess or his bride.

[Cut to the prince visiting the king]

King: Oh, Prince Andaman. Welcome to our big cold castle in Europe.

Prince Andaman: It is an honor Your Highness.

King: Good job killing out dragon. No one asked you to, but thank you. You may now meet my daughters three and choose one to be your bride.

Prince Andaman: Yes, surely one of them will be more beautiful than the rest, or knowing my luck, one will be weird.

King: Bring out my daughter’s please.

[Three daughters walk in]

Prince Andaman: Hmm. Fair maidens. So cool to see.

King: Meet my first daughter, Lucilia.

Lucilia: It is an honor to stand before you, fair prince.

Prince Andaman: Wow. Okay, I love that.

King: My second daughter, Regalia.

Regalia: I know not what to say and yet I feel not frightened, prince.

Prince Andaman: Good, good. Make sense?

King: And my third daughter Blondelia.

Blondelia: Hello.

Prince Andaman: Okay, is that it?

Blondelia: Nice to meet you.

Prince Andaman: Right. Okay. Sure.

King: Is everything all right?

Prince Andaman: Yeah, I guess I just thought there’d be something messed up about her because there’s three of them and the third one is her.

King: I take great offense.

Prince Andaman: No, I’m sorry. It’s just usually like, one’s pretty, one smart and one has something like really wrong with them.

King: But you’ve only just met. Girls, tell the prince about your hobbies.

Lucilia: I, Lucilia, enjoy playing jolly tunes on the harpsichord.

Regalia: I love dancing and dancing around.

Blondelia: And me, I like harpsichord and I guess also dancing.

Prince Andaman: Okay. Is that why she’s weird? Because she copied her thing?

King: What are you on about?

Prince Andaman: I mean, it’s gotta be Blondelia, but I just can’t figure out why.

Blondelia: I like painting as well. Or archery. I don’t know, man. I don’t know what you want me to say.

King: Oh, I know. Tell him your favorite foods.

Lucilia: Little cakes.

Regalia: Strawberries.

Blondelia: Muffins.

Prince Andaman: All right. What, is she like obsessed with muffins?

Blondelia: I feel like people like muffins.

Prince Andaman: Okay, now I’m kind of getting pissed off.

King: Prince Edmund, what would you like to ask my daughters?

Prince Andaman: Okay, um, do a little dance as normal as you can.

[music playing. All the princesses dance lightly and nicely.]

Prince Andaman: All right. All regular hot dancing. Does one of you have like a weird laugh or something? What are your laughs?

[Regalia laughs weirdly]

Prince Andaman: Okay, is it her? Because that was awful.

[Lucilia laughs like a hunk man] [Blondelia laughs unnaturally]

Prince Andaman: Those were all bad.

King: Prince Andaman, you have to hurry. You must make your choice before the clock strikes midnight.

Prince Andaman: Ooh. Ooh, what happens at midnight?

King: It’s just too late.

Prince Andaman: I give up. All right? Maybe I’ll just leave and go kill a different dragon.

[The princesses start crying]

Prince Andaman: Oh, no. No, I’m sorry. I’ve been so rude. Just based on the princesses I’ve met, she should have like a big ass toe or lay eggs or something.

Lucilia: Father, he’s right. Sometimes, one of the girls is weird. On purpose. She’ll make a joke out of herself before anyone who can judge her.

Regalia: Maybe it’s because we have to jump through crazy hoops for princes like you, Dragon Dork.

Blondelia: Maybe it’s a metaphor for being different or ugly or stupid or gay. I don’t know. I’m just guessing, I’m very normal.

Prince Andaman: I see. I’m sorry. I was judgmental. The truth is I’m drawn to Blondelia, though I fear there is a catch.

King: But isn’t that love, young man?

Prince Andaman: I guess you’re right. All right. I choose number three, Blondelia.

King: Prince Andaman and Blondelia, blessings upon you.

Prince Andaman: I love you Blondelia, and you shall be my wife.

Blondelia: And I love you. Goodbye, father. Goodbye, dear sisters. Goodbye.

Sisters: Goodbye.

[While they walk out, Blondelia’s butt cheeks are showing out of her dress.]

Male voice: There we go. Good old number three gets them everytime.

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard Trial Cold Open

Nicole Wallace… Kate McKinnon

Camille Vasquez… Aidy Bryant

Johnny Depp… Kyle Mooney

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft… Heidi Gardner

Leonard Green… Kenan Thompson

Tasha… Ego Nwodem

Sophia… Melissa Villaseñor

Jamal… Chris Redd

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: This is an MSNBC News Special Report.

[Cut to Nicole Wallace in her set]

Nicole Wallace: Good evening. I’m Nicole Wallace. And you’re watching MSNBC news because you have nowhere else to place your anger. Tonight, political fallout from the recent January 6 subpoenas, updates on the Russian helicopter taken down by Ukraine, plus a nationwide shortage of baby formula. But we start of course, with the Johnny Depp – Amber Heard cuckoo trial. Look, I know it’s not the most pertinent story of the moment. But with all the problems in the world, isn’t it nice to have a news story we can all collectively watch and say, “Oh, glad it ain’t me.” I thought so. We take you now to live coverage.

Camille Vasquez: Mr. Depp earlier in this trial, you mentioned that Miss Heard left fecal matter in your bed.

Johnny Depp: That is correct. Yes.

Camille Vasquez: And how did that make you feel?

Johnny Depp: I felt very, very sad.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection. Your Honor, we’ve been through this. There’s no actual proof that this ever happened.

Judge: Sustained. Where are you going with this, counselor?

Camille Vasquez: Your Honor, we’ve recently found surveillance footage of the house staff discovering the alleged fecal matter on Mr. Depp’s bed.

Judge: Oh, word?

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, that still wouldn’t prove my client is guilty of anything.

Judge: That’s true, but I’ll allow it because it does sound fun. And this trial is for fun.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: What?

Camille Vasquez: Thank you, your Honor. Mr. Depp. Can you tell us who that is?

[a video is being played on a TV. Leonard Green is inside Johnny Depp’s room]

Johnny Depp: Well, that’s my property manager Leonard Green. I guess he’s doing a routine check around the house.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: [on the phone] Yeah, man. You know, she cut that joker’s finger off, right? If I’m lying, I”m flying. Hold on a second. [smells around] Damn! Smell like booboo in here. It’s coming from this bed. [looks under the blanket.] Oh, hell no! That’s a booboo.

Camille Vasquez: And there you have it. They found the dookie.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection, your Honor. That is pure speculation.

Judge: Overruled. I’d like to see more of this video.

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Why?

Judge: Cuz it’s funny. Please continue.

[Cut to the video]

Leonard Green: Ay, Tasha! God damn, I hate this job.

[Tasha walks in]

Tasha: Why you yelling my name like you crazy?

Leonard Green: Look at this.

Tasha: Eww! Hell, no. Why didn’t you just go in the toilet?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this.

Tasha: Well, who did it then?

Leonard Green: I don’t know. Maybe the dog?

Tasha: No, no, no. That mess ain’t come out of no dog. That came out of a dehydrated adult.

Leonard Green: Maybe the wife did it?

Tasha: Now, why would she booboo in her own bed?

Leonard Green: Well, remember, she already cut the boy’s finger off. And my dad always told me, if a girl cut your finger she will booboo in your bed.

Tasha: Now, why are you taking a picture of it?

Leonard Green: Cuz, it looked just like the emoji.

Tasha: Man, what is wrong with white people?

Leonard Green: I don’t know, but you need to clean this up before Mr. Johnny get back.

Tasha: Oh, no, that ain’t my damn job. I am a landscaper.

Leonard Green: Well, this fertilizer?

Tasha: Um-umm. Sophia!

Leonard Green: Sophia!

[cut back to the court]

Elaine Charlson Bredehoft: Objection your honor. How much of this video do we have to watch?

Judge: We don’t have to watch any of it. But we want to. So hush. Now, who’s this Sophia person?

Johnny Depp: Oh, she’s my cleaning lady.

Judge: Mr. Depp, are you finding this trial amusing?

Johnny Depp: A little. Yes.

Judge: So am I. You’re bad, Captain Jack.

[cut to the video. Sophia walks in.]

Sophia: Hola. Como estas.

[Leonard Green shows Sophia under the blanket.] [speaking Spanish]

Tasha: Um-hmm, yeah.

Leonard Green: It’s booboo, Sophia.

Sophia: Exactamente. Como li- mochi.

Leonard Green: See? I told you.

Tasha: Sophia, you got to clean this up, okay?

Sophia: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Leonard Green: Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

[Jamal walks in the room]

Jamal: Man, y’all seen somebody do a dangling on the walls with blood. I hate this damn job so much. Wait, what’s that smell? [Leonard Green shows Jamal under the blanket.] Oh, ha-ha-ha. So you really did it, man. You finally quitting?

Leonard Green: I didn’t do this. It was the wife.

Sophia: And you got to clean it up, Jamal.

Jamal: Oh, hell no. I just do the laundry.

Sophia: Yeah, and that’s laundry, bro.

Jamal: Damn, I hate this job.

[cut back to the court]

Judge: Okay, I think I’ve seen enough. This trial has given me a lot to consider. On one hand, I believe Mr. Depp’s story. But on the other hand, your constant little smirk let’s me know that this is not the first woman you’ve made so mad that she pooped in your bed.

Johnny Depp: I guess I have been known to be a full nightmare.

Judge: Yeah, right. Okay, either way, I’m just so glad this ain’t me. And…

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Weekend Update Justice Amy Coney Barrett on Overturning Roe v Wade

Colin Jost

Amy Coney Barrett… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The Supreme Court seemed poised to fully overturn Roe v. Wade. Here to comment is conservative justice Amy Coney Barrett.

[Amy Coney Barrett slides in]

Amy Coney Barrett: Hi.

Colin Jost: Hi, how are you?

Amy Coney Barrett: Good.

Colin Jost: Thank you for being here.

Amy Coney Barrett: I am jazzed and juiced.

Colin Jost: Right. I’m guessing you’re pretty happy with the draft of the ruling?

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I don’t know what would make you think that other than everything I’ve ever said. But I listened to the case with an open mind and I asked all my question.

Colin Jost: Right there was one. Yeah, Justice Alito nodded to that in his opinion. You were asking about safe haven laws where you can legally leave a baby at a fire station no questions asked.

Amy Coney Barrett: That’s right, Colin. I just don’t understand why you need abortion because you can leave a baby anywhere in the United States. So like, what’s the big deal? Just pop it. Just do the nine and plop.

Colin Jost: Just do the what?

Amy Coney Barrett: Just do your nine. You know, do your nine, leave it on the sidewalk. Wrap it up in a little Moses, put in a little basket. Send it down the creek. Just do your nine, you know? It’s simple. You are a murderer, if you have an abortion. But you’re not a murderer, if you put a baby in a bag in a mailbox and that tracks and is good to me.

Colin Jost: Okay, well, not everyone agrees with that.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, just give it to a stork and the stork will give it to a lesbian. I would think that lesbians would be happy because now there’s more babies for them to adopt till we ban that too. Come on, ladies. It’s just nine. It’s not even 10. So just do your nine and dump.

Colin Jost: I don’t think it’s that simple.

Amy Coney Barrett: Well, I have seven children and a job and I make it work. So why every single other woman can’t do the same is beyond me. Unless I’m like missing something about class in America. Don’t answer that.

Colin Jost: Okay, you were also suggesting that we don’t need abortion because there’s no longer the same stigma against unwed mother.

Amy Coney Barrett: Exactly, exactly. It’s like you see a girl, you know she’s pregnant. You’re not going to stone her anymore. You’re just gonna be like, “Huh, okay.” Like if you get pregnant and you’re not married, you don’t have to go to a spooky convent anymore. You just give a baby to a panther, jungle book it, and that’s your nine.

Colin Jost: Stop just saying that’s your nine.

Amy Coney Barrett: Like, what is more traumatic? Safely ending an early pregnancy or giving full birth to a baby you can never see it again because you put it on a Ferris wheel? Colin, all I’m saying, these lesbians are going to have like a crapload of babies coming their way, they should be kissing my boobs.

Colin Jost: I don’t think they want to do that. Also, I think a lot of Americans feel that you’re kind of forcing conservative views on the country.

Amy Coney Barrett: Oh, well, look, the court is not partisan. Our spouses on the other hand are f-ing crazy. [phone vibrating] Excuse me.Speak of, Clarence Thomas’s wife Ginni always texts me. She’s like in love with me. I’m like, “Okay, lez, you want a baby?”

Colin Jost: Alright. Justice Barrett, is there anything else you would like to say?

Amy Coney Barrett: Arby’s, we have the babies.

Colin Jost: Justice Barret, everyone.

Amy Coney Barrett: Do your nine!

Roe v Wade Cold Open

Andrew Dismukes

Benedict Cumberbatch

James Austin Johnson

Margaret… Cecily Strong

Chris Redd

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a message video]

Male voice: In the draft of his majority opinion overturning Roe v. Wade, Justice Samuel Alito explains that no woman has a right to an abortion, and that, in fact, abortion is a crime. To prove it, he cites a treatise from 13th century England, about the quickening of the fetus, and a Second Treatise that says, if the quick child dies in her body, it would be a great misprision. We go now to that profound moment of moral clarity almost 1000 years ago, which later to clear foundation for what our law should be in 2022.

[Cut to three people in a room. It’s about a thousand years back.]

Andrew: Whatever is the matter. You’re looking flossed in thought.

Ben: It’s nothing. It’s just, while I was cleaning the hole on the side of the castle where we poop and then it falls through the sky into a moat full of human feces, I started to think about abortion.

Andrew: Really, what about it?

Ben: Well, don’t you think we ought to make a law against it?

James: You mean, like the law we have against pointy shoes? Or the law that if you hunt deer in the royal forest, they cut off your genitals?

Ben: Exactly. Something fair and reasonable like those laws. We should make a law that would stand the test of time so that hundreds and hundreds of years from now, they’ll look back and say, “No need to update this one at all. They nailed it back in 1235.”

James: I don’t know. Maybe we shouldn’t ban abortion in all of England. We could decide it on a fiefdom by fiefdom basis.

Ben: Good idea. That way, if your concubine needs one, you could just send her off to get it in good old, old York City.

Andrew: But if we outlaw abortion, how would we punish the mother? Because she’ll need to be punished. She’ll be so happy about a crime.

Ben: We could always put her in a boat and let her sail off the cliff at the edge of the world. She would of course, tumbled down with the four giant turtles the holding up the earth, and maybe one of them would eat her.

Andrew: Yeah, kind of played out there.

James: I know. What if we get a donkey drunk and we dress it up in her husband’s clothes. Then the next morning? She’s like, “Did I just have sex with a donkey?” And the whole town’s waiting outside like, “Ah, you’re burnt.”

Ben: Maybe, maybe. But what if the donkey get her pregnant and then we’d legally have to protect the fetus. And if the half donkey chili is a man that could become king.

Andrew and James: Ah! The prophecy.

Ben: But let’s be careful. The worst thing that could happen if someone leaks this conversation to the town crier?

Margaret: Knock, knock. Just kidding. We don’t have doors. Anyway, I was outside watching the sheriff throw left handed children into the river. And I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about a new law?

Andrew: Oh-oh. Woman hear ideas and it make her think, “Why I no have those?”

Margaret: Yeah, something like that. So I have a couple of questions.

Ben: Careful Margaret. Don’t make us make another hole in your skull so your brain can breathe.

Margaret: Right. I was just wondering since I’m almost at the childbearing age of 12, shouldn’t women have the right to choose since having a baby means like a 50% chance of dying?

Ben: Yes, but that’s why we’re also offering maternity leaves. When you’re done with 20 years of continuous maternity, you can leave.

Andrew: Shouldn’t we at least make exceptions in cases of rape or incest?

James: But those are the only kinds of sex.

Margaret: You know, I guess I just don’t understand why you’re so obsessed with this issue? Like what about the fact that no one can read or write? Everyone’s dying to plague?

Andrew: Oh, you think just because I have active plague, that means I need to wear a mask? It’s my body, my choice.

Ben: Well, it’s clear to me that we’ve reached the limits of human knowledge. We found the haircut. We know the sun is the moon when it’s happy. We trust the Catholic Church with all our money and our children.

James: Plus we have birth control now. You can’t get pregnant as long as when the man ejaculates, he whispers, “Just kidding.” Well, there’s always plan B, letting 1000 bees sting you.

Ben: Now, let’s all vote. Men, who think we should outlaw abortion forever? Say I.

Andrew and James: I.

Ben: And who’s opposed?

Chris: Me! I’m just playing. I know I can’t vote but, you know, more is gonna be more. You ever get the feeling that this is not gonna be your century?

Kate: Enough!

Ben: My god! An ogre!

Kate: No, no, just a woman in her 30s. But I did eat a weird mushroom in a pile of cow dung, so I can see the future. And worry not dear girl. These barbaric laws will someday be overturned by something called progress. And then after about 50 years after the progress, they’ll be like, “Maybe we should undo the progress.” I don’t know why my visions from that time are very confusing. Seems like all the power comes from a place called Florida. And if you think our customs are weird, you should watch the trial of Johnny Depp and Amber Heard. Listen, I know it doesn’t sound great, but I guess no matter how many choices they take away from women, we have always had the choice to keep fighting. [cheers and applause]

Ben: That’s really inspiring. And after hearing your perspective, I suddenly realize you’re a witch and we’re gonna set you on fire.

Kate: Alright, wouldn’t be the first time.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night

Just Like You

Taylor… Chloe Fineman

Sandy… Cecily Strong

Grandma… Kate McKinnon

Benedict Cumberbatch

[Starts with Taylor using phone in her bed] [Sandy walks in]

Sandy: Hey, no phone. You’re grounded. Remember?

Taylor: Oh my God, I didn’t even do anything that bad mom.

Sandy: Really? Taylor, you came home drunk? You’re 17 years old.

Taylor: Come on, like you never drank when you were my age?

Sandy: In high school? No, not even a SIP. Never.

[cut to flashbacks of Sandy when she was young partying and getting drunk] [cut back to present]

Alcohol was not even on my radar at your age.

[cut to Sandy throwing up]

Boy: Yo, it’s not a party until sloppy sandy pukes

Sandy: I’m okay.

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Well, sorry, I’m not just like you, mom. Sorry. I’m not perfect.

Sandy: I wasn’t perfect, Taylor. I made mistakes. I did things that I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Mikey at the backseat of the car]

Mikey: I can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

[cut back to prsent]

Sandy: I did a couple things I regret.

[cut to Sandy having sex with Bown at the backseat of the car]

Bowen: Can’t believe we’re not virgins anymore.

Sandy: I know, right?

[cut back to present]

Taylor: Name one mistake you made.

Sandy: Okay. You know what? Fine. Here’s one. I failed a test once. It was a big test.

[cut to Sandy being tested for DUI}

Sandy: I’m sorry.

[cut back to present]

Sandy: The point is, I never did anything so stupid, it followed me through my whole life. [There’s a picture of a marijuana leavs having dreadlocks and wearing hippie cap on her ass] [Grandma walks in]

Grandma: Everything alright here?

Taylor: Yeah, grandma. We’re fine. Mom, you want to keep telling me how much of a dum bass I am.

Grandma: Wow!

Mom: Taylor! Can you believe the way she speaks to me? I would never have spoken to your grandma that way.

[cut to Sandy at her young age having argument with her mom]

Sandy: Suck my beef, you old bitch.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: No, we always got along pretty well.

[cut to Sandy and her mom having argument]

Grandma: Sandy, if I catch you smoking cigarettes again, I will shave your fucking hair.

[cut back to present]

Grandma: Now, Taylor, your mom told me got a little while at a party. I’m all for having fun, but call me old fashioned, I think there’s a certain way that a young lady ought to behave.

[cut to when grandma was young. She’s at David Bowie’s concert]

Grandma when she was young: David Bowie! I love you, David. David, my panties. David!

[cut back to present]

Taylor: I know.

Granda: Okay? Let’s have dinner. Love you.

Taylor: You told grandma?

Mom: Of course I did, honey. I’m worried about you.

[Ben walks in]

Ben: What are you worried about?

Taylor: Nothing. I’m fine. I went to one party. Meanwhile, mom’s acting like she never had fun in her life.

Ben: Ha-ha. Well, and I met your mind college, she certainly knew how to have a good time.

Sandy: Hey…

Ben: But she always kept it in control.

[cut to when Ben and Sandy were young at a party]

Ben: How many pills did you take?

Sandy: Three. What is the problem?

Ben: You blew my roommate.

Sandy: I thought it was you.

[cut back to present]

Ben: She’s telling you, it’s only because she loves us so much.

Taylor: I know.

Sandy: I’m just trying to look out for you. Come here. Give me a hug. You know you’re still grounded. But you can have your phone back.

Taylor: Yes!

[message notification]

Siri: Text Message from Ryan. Parents gone. Come over for eggplant emoji.

Sandy: Never mind. You know, I know what this means. Yeah.

[cut to message screen]

Message: You may not have been a perfect person, but you’e a perfect mom. Happy mother’s day.

Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson Confirmation Cold Open

Joe Biden… James Austin Johnson

Ketanji Brown Jackson… Ego Nwodim

Chloe Fineman

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

Thurgood Marshall… Kenan Thompson

Harriet Tubman… Punkie Johnson

Jackie Robinson… Chris Redd

[Starts with Joe Biden and Ketanji Brown Jackson at the White House]

Joe Biden: Wow, what a day. Your speak was terrific, Ketanji. I’m sorry, I mean, Supreme Court Justice Ketanji Brown Jackson.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I bet you can’t say that three times fast.

Joe Biden: I’m shocked I was able to say it one time slow.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you, Mr. President. I’m so grateful, you put me your trust in me.

Joe Biden: Hey, I made a campaign promise to put a black woman on the court and I did. So that’s one campaign promise down and only 74 to go.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I was happy to do my part. Work twice as hard as a white man my entire life and then spend a week listening to Ted Cruz call me a pedophile.

[Chloe walks in]

Chloe: Mr. President, the reception starts in five minutes.

Joe Biden: Thanks. I should go get ready. But Ketaji, it’s a big damn deal. You’re the first black female justice, but won’t be the last. It’s just a normal thing now, like wearing crocs in public?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you.

Joe Biden: Well, you know, take a moment in this room. Feel the weight of history. Sometimes I like to imagine talking to all the great Americans who came before me. You understand what I’m trying to say?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: That you miss Obama?

Joe Biden: Every day. Like crazy.

Chloe: Mr. President, we really really have to go.

Joe Biden: Okay. I’ll see you in a minute. Take your time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Wow. There is a lot of history in this room. Who would I want to talk to? I know.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg comes in]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Nice to meet you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, how is this possible?

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: You tell me. It’s your imagination? All right. What do you wanna know?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, I’d love to know what advice you have for me as a woman on the Supreme Court.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Okay. Here’s my advice. Always label your lunches. A lot of other justices, they got sticky fingers. And second, if you’re anything like me, white ladies will start wearing buttons to your face like ‘I Voted’ sticker. It’s freaky, but they mean well. Anyway, I just wants to say, I’m so proud of you. I know you can do a great job.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Thank you. That means a lot.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: And look, I know your confirmation process put you through the wringer. But in the end, people do the right thing. I mean, I was confirmed with the Senate 96:3, right? So what was your vote?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: 53:47:fortyseven? Well, yeah, a lot of them walked out and one guy kept asking me if babies are racist.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Ted Cruz

Ketanji Brown Jackson: You know, it was. You should have seen that man. He actually sat there on TV and read a children’s book at me.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Well, it was Ted Cruz. So I bet the book was called ‘Good night Cancun’, and that’s a Gins-Burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg leaves dancing] [Thurgood Marshall walks in]

Thurgood Marshall: Did I miss it? Did I miss the Gins-burn? Oh, dang.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Oh, my God, Justice Thurgood Marshall.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes, that’s exactly who you’re imagining. What an exciting day. We’ve come a long way.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thanks to you. You were on the frontlines of the civil rights movement?

Thurgood Marshall: Yep. Yep. I was there when people of color in this country came together with one voice and said enough is enough. And then white folks said, “We’ll, think about it.” But that was a different time.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Some things are still sort of similar.

Thurgood Marshall: Yes? Is there the threat of nuclear war with Russia?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yes.

Thurgood Marshall: Inflation still popping off?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: For sure.

Thurgood Marshall: Is Joe Biden is still a politician?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Very much so. So what advice do you have for me as a person of color on the Supreme Court?

Thurgood Marshall: Well, never give up. Democracy can be slow and messy. It stumbles, but over time, it moves forward. I mean, I was the first black Supreme Court justice. So you must be what, the 10th? The 20th?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, just the third.

Thurgood Marshall: No further questions, your honor.

[Harriet Tubman walks in]

Harriet Tubman: Yeah, I have some questions.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Harriet Tubman?

Harriet Tubman: That’s right. Conductor of the Underground Railroad. My question is, what are we doing in the White House? Did we get in trouble?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Not at all. Actually, because of the bravery of women like you, a lot of doors opened up to a lot of people. I’m on the Supreme Court.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I have a seat at the table.

Harriet Tubman: I like that.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: And I’m going to have this job for the rest of my life.

Harriet Tubman: Don’t like that. Sounds like a trap.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no, no, it’s not like that.

Harriet Tubman: Okay, okay. But if it is, light two candles and meet me in a farmhouse at midnight.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: No, no.I’m good. I’m just excited to get to work. But I would like to talk to one more person who broke down a barrier.

[Jackie Robinson walks in]

Jackie Robinson: Well, that’s me, Jackie Robinson. First black player in the Major Leagues and let me tell you, being the first is kind of fun. Yeah, it’s fun. Here’s my advice, watch out for batteries. You will get so many batteries thrown at you.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yeah, I think the Supreme Court is too civilized for that.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s what they said about baseball. But they still do those damn batteries. Wish we had helmets back then, ha-ha-ha. But the good news is you’ll probably be making a lot more money than a measly a baseball player.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: I wish. Baseball players today average about $Ruth Bader Ginsburg million a year.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, excuse me for a second. [covers his face with the gloves and screams out loud] Thank you. I’ve been holding it in since 1947.

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Well, thank you all for your advice. It’s a lot of pressure but I will do everything I can to honor your legacy.

Jackie Robinson: Oh, that’s great. So even the bad players the millionaires?

Ketanji Brown Jackson: Yep.

Jackie Robinson: Ain’t that something?

All: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Dream Home Cousins

Rick…Mikey Day

Gage… Jake Gyllenhaal

Lillian… Heidi Gardner

Pat… James Austin Johnson

Bea… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with clips of Rick and Gage designing homes]

Male voice: Just a couple of cousins turning houses into dream homes.

Rick and Gage: We’re the dream home cousins.

Rick: My cousin gage and I have been hard at work designing a dream home for Lillian and her quiet milquetoast husband Pat, who’s deeply uncomfortable on camera. And now, we’re ready to show him the plans we drew up.

Gage: For the record. I did most of the drawings.

Rick: Oh, brother.

Gage: Don’t you mean “Oh, cousin?”

[Cut to Rick and Gage with Lillian and Pat]

Rick: Lillian, Pat, you guys ready to see our final design?

Lillian: Yes, I’m so excited.

Rick: Pat?

[Pat is staring awkwardly]

Gage: Now, we all agreed on a design, but you guys threw us a bit of a curveball when Pat informed us that his mother Bea and her 27 year old cat Charles David would also be moving into your house, which required us to change a few things.

Lillian: But it’s still going to be my dream house, right? What we talked about?

Gage: You bet. Just slightly modified. Let’s start with the living room.

Rick: Lillian, you wanted this space to be “An oasis of relaxation.”

Lillian: Oh I love that.

Rick: But Bea wanted this space to be “Where we put my cat’s medical equipment”

Gage: And unfortunately the amount of machinery it takes to keep a 27 year old cat with no kidneys alive really cluttered up the space.

Rick: God, the fucking cat!

Gage: Now for the kitchen, we thought this captured Lillian’s vision of an open concept design.

Lillian: Oh wow.

Gage: And we would have loved to build that. But since Bea is going to be doing most of the cooking–

Bea: All the cooking. Skinny Minnie can’t cook.

Gage: We went with a more closed concept.

Rick: And since Bea is afraid of gas, we swapped the six burner Viking Range for an olive green electric stove and Oster toaster oven, both from Bea’s current home and both manufactured in 1978.

Bea: Back where America still built things.

Lillian: Are you gonna fit for anything I want?

Rick: Now, Lillian, I sense that you’re probably feeling that your vision has been compromised downstairs.

Lillian: Yes.

Rick: But upstairs…

Gage: Has also been compromised. We had to partition the grand staircase to accommodate Charles David’s Motorized Stair chair.

Rick: But good news Lillian, we were able to preserve your yoga studio from our original design.

Lillian: Yay, it’s perfect.

Rick: But it will have to double as the display room for Bea’s collection of wise quackers, large ceramic statues of ducks in 1930 gangster outfits. And with 90 wise quackers to display, the yoga studio will be a little cramped. So what do we think so far?

Bea: I think Skinny Minnie opened her legs and stole my son. I know she took your sweetness before your wedding night.

Lillian: What? You told her that?

Pat: I gave my sweetness.

Lillian: Oh my god.

Gage: Okay. Let’s show you what we came up with for the primary bedroom.

Lillian: Oh, okay. That’s gorgeous.

Gage: And here’s where we landed after talking to Bea. Since this will be her bedroom as well, we’ll swap the king bed for three singles. And since Bea hates large open spaces–

Bea: The devils in the raft.

Gage: Those 15 foot cathedral ceilings will come down to about six feet.

Lillian: You’re 6’1”.

Pat: I’ll crouch.

Rick: But don’t worry, Bea. We made sure there was enough wall space for all the old black and white photographs of your stern looking ancestors.

Bea: That was when men were men.

Rick: And now, drumroll please.

Gage: For the primary bathroom, Lillian wanted windows to take advantage of your beautiful view.

Rick: But Bea was very concerned with peepers invading your privacy which took the bathroom window count down from six to no windows.

Bea: You know perverts and tuggers wanna see me make my dirt.

Lillian: No one wants to see you make your dirt.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Bea: [looking at Pat] Hit her.

Pat: What? No.

Lillian: Are you thinking about it?

Rick: When we come back, the upstairs demo begin.

Cabaret Night

Mikey Day

Jake Gyllenhaal

Bowen Yang

Cecily Strong

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with announcer on a stage]

Mikey: Hello everyone. We hope you’re enjoying the music and dinner. If anyone drove here in a blue Toyota Corolla, I just want to say I have the same car. So let’s talk. And now without further ado, our biggest act of the night, the singers for tonight is a special reunion. They haven’t performed together in five years. But we are so lucky that they are all back in town tonight. Please welcome the Singers Four.

[Singers Four walk in]

Jake: Hello, everybody. I see some beautiful waters and breads in the crowd.

Bowen: We are the Singers Four and we are so glad to be with you tonight.

Cecily: You know so many songs are dedicated to greatness. But we’ve lived long enough to know that not everyone can be great. Some of us are just walking around.

Kate: This song goes out to the folks in the middle, celebrating the little things.

Bowen: Because it’s what we’ve got, it’s all we want. And it’s actually a lot.

Kate: [singing] I don’t have taste, I don’t have class

Cecily: I’ve been Passover, I’ve been picked last.

Bowen: I’m not winning any medal

Jake: Not number one, two or three.

Cecily: Who the hell is counting?

Kate: But I’ve made my bed every day this month.

Cecily: I can parallel park under any condition.

Jake: When I pump inside of a lady stuff comes out.

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: Look, no one can climb Everest. But you know what I just did?

Cecily: Well, tell us Johnny.

Jake: I finished an entire chapstick without losing it.

Kate: I’ve never done that.

Jake: I know. And I think that means I’m a good dad.

Bowen: That’s exactly what it means.

Kate: I’m not a queen, I’m not the best

Cecily: Might not be special, might not be blessed.

Jake: If it’s graded on a curve, I’m the one getting Bs

Kate: That’s almost an A.

Bowen: But this morning, I woke up two minutes before my alarm.

Cecily: I used to smoke but then I stopped.

Jake: My email inbox has zero email

All: And that’s my thing for me

Jake: So tell me, what are we all hanging our hats on these days?

Kate: Well, I’ll never win the Nobel Prize. But I can say that I met Eric Nies.

Cecily: Wow. And who is that?

Kate: He was in the original cast to the Real World.

Cecily: Well, that’s terrific. You know, one thing that I like to tell people about me is that I’m not the best at sex.

Bowen: Okay, tell me more.

Cecily: Well, it’s not gonna be anything new. But I guarantee one thing, you’re not going to feel scared or upset.

Bowen: That’s the point.

Jake: You go girl.

Bowen: My grandmother says I’m classically handsome.

Kate: I grew out of a peanut allergy.

Cecily: I don’t know why, but I never got COVID

Bowen: And I hated Hamilton before it was cool.

Jake: Once a year, I call off of work,
I pretend I’m sick and I go to the movies,

then I go home and my wife says “How was work”
and I say good and nobody knows

All: And that’s my thing for me

Kate: Come on. Every dinner, it can’t be steak. Sometimes it’s all wet pasta in a Tupperware. Grow up.

Cecily: Every night can’t be the best night of your life. It’d be exhausting. You’d end up in a hospital.

Jake: Gold isn’t the only metal? What is gold do? Sparkle? Who cares? You know what does a– what– what– what– What tin does? It preserves tomatoes forever.

Bowen: And fine. We don’t have Grammy’s. But we have Grammys of weed. Which is what I call it when I don’t have that much weed left.

Kate: I do not read, I do not floss

Cecily: The world that saw me and said get lost

Jake: I don’t have any trophies but I have a TV

Cecily: He can watch whatever he wants.

Kate: Some people are faster, some people are hotter
but I put lemon in my water

Bowen: Sure, I’m not regal, sure I’m not rich
but when I cook chicken it’s never dry, bitch!

Jake: I don’t have money, I don’t have power
but every time I use it I clean one part of the shower

Cecily: Sure, I don’t write poems that transcend
but I have a son and he has a friend

All: And that’s enough for me

PostCOVID Game Show

Lisa Something… Kate McKinnon

Derek… Jerrod Carmichael

Jennifer… Sarah Sherman

Victor… Bowen Yang

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Now it’s time for your favorite post COVID Game Show.

Collective voice: Is My Brain Okay?

Male voice: With your host, Lisa Something.

[Cut to Lisa in the game show set]

Lisa: Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the game all of us play every day, Is My Brain Okay? Whether it was the year in isolation, the two years without any semblance of society, or the virus itself physically shrinking our brains. One thing’s for sure, we got stupid. Before we get started, let’s meet our contestants. Derek from Queens. What do you do before COVID?

Derek: I was a Marketing Director for IBM.

Lisa: Um-hmm. And what do you do now?

Derek: Mushrooms?

Lisa: I get it. I took a bunch before the show. Jennifer from Indianapolis, tell us fun fact about yourself.

Jennifer: Good. Thank you. How are you?

Lisa: Oh-oh. And Victor from New Mexico. How are you feeling today?

Victor: Tired for no reason.

Lisa: Terrific. Now, you all know how the game works. Every answer is something you definitely knew before COVID. But does your brain still remember it? Let’s find out. First question. What is this called?

[The screen shows a picture of a wheelbarrow. The contestants are thinking.]

Remember? somebody used to carry things?

Jennifer: Bicycle.

Lisa: No. Let’s see it in a back yard.

Derek: Form bicycle.

Lisa: No. Got a wheel in the front?

Victor: Wheel monkey. Oh, sorry. Sorry. We were looking for wheelbarrow.

Derek: I knew that.

Lisa: You did. You did know that in 2019. Now it’s just a farm bicycle. Okay, next question. What day of the week is it?

Jennifer: That’s easy. Tuesday?

Lisa: Nope. Not even close.

Victor: What is Thursday?

Lisa: And you don’t have to phrase it as a question.

Victor: No, no, I was genuinely asking what is Thursday?

Lisa: Derrick, what day of the week is it?

Derek: Okay. I remember that yesterday was my birthday. And my best friend texted “Birthday on a Friday night dog? What we doing to celebrate?” And I got so anxious I didn’t respond and went to sleep before 5PM. So today must be Saturday.

Lisa: Correct. Yes. And bonus follow up, Derek. What month is it?

Derek: June.

Lisa: Oh, sorry, we would have accepted. February, March, April or May. But let’s put 100 points on the board for Derek. Whoever has the most points at the end, we’ll have that number of stem cells injected into their brain in the hopes of… What’s the word? The thing you do with cars?

Victor: Tyres.

Lisa: No. When the battery’s dead? You gotta like–

Derek: Sell the car.

Lisa: No. What you do with the cable.

Jennifer: Wheelbarrow.

Lisa: No. Jumpstart. The stem cells will jumpstart your brain again. Dammit, what is with me?

Victor: You’re depressed.

Lisa: No, no, no, no, I wasn’t really asking.

Jennifer: You never felt more alone.

Lisa: Stop guessing.

Derek: You want to call your therapist but she blocked your number. [right answer bell]

Lisa: Oh my god. How did you know that?

Derek: You just give off that exact aura.

Lisa: All right, let’s give Derek 100 more points, which means he’s unlocked a bonus question that involves a mystery guest. [Another guy named Derek walks in] Derek, who is this?

Derek: Oh, that’s easy. That’s one of my best friends from college.

Lisa: Uh-huh. And what’s his name?

Derek: He was one of my best friends.

Lisa: You said that. What’s his name?

Derek: I know some regular like, Greg or Steve. Right?

Another Derek: We lived together for three years, man.

Lisa: Sorry, Derek. The correct answer is Derek.

Derek: We got the same name?

Another Derek: That was our whole thing made, D-one D-two.

Derek: Damn. That’s really bad, man. I’m sorry. We should go get a drink sometime. Like catch up.

[Red light’s over the set]

Lisa: Oh-oh! The sound of someone inviting a friend to drinks when they have no intention of ever getting drinks, means we’re out of time. Let’s go to the final question to determine if your brain is okay? Contestants write down your answers please. If you have to talk to a person, what’s a good way to start? And go?

[The contestants are writing. Jennifer is licking the table.]

All right, let’s let’s see your idea of how to start a conversation? Jennifer, I noticed you wrote with your tongue.

Jennifer: Well, there’s still still one variant I haven’t gotten yet.

Lisa: Wow. Jennifer said “Let me be inside you now.” And Jennifer who do you imagine saying that to?

Jennifer: Anyone from strangers to parents.

Lisa: Okay, I’m sorry. That’s incorrect. Your brain not okay. Victor, how would you start a conversation? Let’s see. “Heaven must be missing an angel because when I woke up there was a glowing figure hovering over my bed. I guess it could have been a ghost. I’m worried I’m losing my grip on reality. Ha-ha-ha.”

Victor: I’ve given the ghost a name Blue Bar.

Lisa: Okay, well that’s that’s very incorrect. Your brain is also bad.

Victor: Ha-ha-ha. When you talk, all I picture is the skeleton inside your head.

Lisa: Well, Mama. Okay. Derrick, it’s down to you and you wrote “If you set the clock ahead, you don’t have to be alive as long.” And you know something? You’re right, Derek.

Derek: Oh my god, I won?

Lisa: That’s right. You came up with a great way to minimize the time we’re awake and alive. And you can choose your prize, a two week all inclusive trip to Hawaii or you can go back to your apartment and stay there.

Derek: Apartment.

Lisa: They always say apartment thanks for watching “Is My Brain Okay?” If you got to ask, it’s probably not. Goodnight.