Trump Graduation Speech Cold Open

Principal… Kate McKinnon

John Quigley… Kyle Mooney

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Damien… Chris Redd

Sam… Kenan Thompson

Devin… Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Principal: Hello, everyone. I’m principal O’Grady. Welcome to the St. Mary Magdalene by the express way, class of 2020 virtual graduation.

[the students are cheering from home.]

I know this isn’t how you expected your highs chool career to come to an end. But, we’re all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child’s Adderall with him. The good news is you’re all getting diplomas with the exception of John Quigley.

John: Aw, man! I gotta do school again? Oh!

Principal: The bad news is you’re about to pay full price for fancy colleges when they’re all just University of Phoenix online with worse tech support.

Aidy: Wooo! UOP online represent the future’s in wires.

Principal: Glad you’re happy. I asked you to vote today on who should be the key note speaker. Unfortunately, Barack and Michelle Obama said no. As did your next five choices which were Axl Rose, Murder Hornets, the LiMu Emu, whatever the hell that is; that dude from ’90 Day Fiancé’ who looks like a hedgehog and the Elon Musk grimes baby. So, I moved on to your 8th choice receiving one vote, president  Donald Trump.

[Cut to Donald Trump in the White House.]

Donald Trump: Here I am. Here I am. Here I am. People applauding, they’re applauding. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Crystal: [wearing red MAGA graduate hat.] No, thank you, sir!

Principal: Crystal, don’t make me key your car again.

Donald Trump: Congratulations to the class of COVID-19. Wow, what an incredible energy and excitement I’m feeling right now. My valet got the virus, so I had to do my own make up. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli tiktok makeup tutorial. I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today is not about me, it’s about you. Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly even worse than they treated Lincoln.

Damien: I’m sorry. Wasn’t Lincoln assassinated?

Donald Trump: I’m not taking questions, Bebop. I’m only telling you the truth. Lincoln would agree. He’s probably smiling up at me from hell right now.

Sam: Ay! What is this, dude?

Donald Trump: Let’s mute him. Let’s mute a lot of the jazz types

Devin: Jazz types? What are you–[muted]

Donald Trump: Great. You’re actually lucky to be graduating right now. There are so many exciting new jobs out there like grocery store bouncer, cam girl, porch pirate, amateur nurse and coal. Don’t forget about coal. It’s in the ground and you just dig down and grab it.

Mikey: I don’t want to do that.

Donald Trump: I’m gonna make sure colleges are open in the fall. Online college is a scam and I should know. My online college was ranked number one craziest scam by US news every year it was open.

Beck: No. We want Fauci.

Donald Trump: Oh, sure. Everyone loves Fauci.

Beck: Fauci!

Donald Trump: And don’t you hate when these elite medical experts tell you what to do? [coughing] Just, excuse me. [drinks Clorox] Good old invincibility juice. Cheers to you guys.

[the students start singing out.]

Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know that this is hard. So, I’m gonna give you some real advice. [music playing in the background] Believe in yourself and you can achieve anything. Look at me. I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord and grew to become billionaire, a president and the world’s leading expert on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find. That way, you’ll always shine. If you don’t understand something, just call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live everyday like it’s your last because we’re gonna let this virus run wild. This virus that remember was started in a lab in Obama. I’ll leave you with one of my favorite inspirational quotes, reach for the stars because if you’re a star, they’ll let you do it. Thank you class of 2020. And let’s have the greatest summer of our lives. Who’s with me?

[Only Crystal and John are online.]

John: Yeah!

[Now, John and Principal also sign out.]

Donald Trump: Wow. This crowd has thinned down faster than Adele. And taped from my home one last time, it’s Saturday night.

Lighthouse Keeper

Phineas Gale…. Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Kate sitting with a small decorating ship in front of her. It’s a black and white video.]

Phineas Gale: Hello. My name’s Phineas Gale. I be the keeper of this here lighthouse. You know, I heard astronauts were giving tips on living in isolation. I thought, well, hey, I’ve been living alone on a rock in the middle of the sea for 50 years. I know a thing or two about a thing or two about that.

[A lighthouse keeper’s isolation tips.] [showing her journal] First things first, it’s important to keep a journal. Here, I do. [reading] April 4th, the seals are flirting with me.

You want to make your groceris last. And one way to do that is to have them all be beans.

Keep abreast of the news, and listen to the CDC. [pretending like he’s speaking on the phone] Okay, but why? You want me to do what? You want me to run around naked onthe shore, flapping me appendage in the breeze for all the seagulls to see? Okay.

In care it weren’t clear before, I’ve gone absolutely mad from the sea.

You got to keep your bearings. Here’s my trusty map. [showing a map she made herself.] Okay, I’ve got mother’s house, Australia, Australia, water.

[talking on the phone] What do you mean no one’s coming to relieve me? It’s been 50 years.

[singing] And my coo-coo from scurv or coo-coo from clap
only the sea can know

[talking on the phone] The ship was supposed to come in four days. So, for how much longer? They don’t know? Well, I’ll make a vaccine.

[There’s a bottle with a letter inside it at the shore.]

Me message in a bottle. [The letter says “I vote for Carter.”] Never made it.

I didn’t always used to be a lighthouse keeper. I was the town arsonist. I was in jail.

[looking at a mirror] I have a beard?

[looking at a fish at the shore with binoculars] Ooh, la, la. That’s what daddy like. Looking good, sweetheart.

[walking to a wooden eagle] Mother, good news. I’m going to be the next bachelor. Well, they saw the video that I’m making right now.

Thank you so much for listening. Just remember the most important thing. Do not give your money to a clam. Please. They don’t need it. Okay, goodnight.

Digital Exclusive- Message to the Girls

Aiden… Aidy Bryant

Kurt… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a video bumper]

Female voice: A message to the girls from the goys.

[Cut to two guys]

Aiden: What the hell is up, girls? It’s your boys, Aiden..

Kurt: And Kurt. Tonight is the best night of your life, Prom. Or at least it was.

Aiden: We should be in a hotel ball room right now making you feel like a queen.

Kurt: But unfortunately for cupid, prom got canceled coz of the Qdoba virus.

Aiden: Since we can’t be there to shower you in admirances, we thought we’d take you to prom in your fantasy.

Kurt: And tell you what would have gone down if we were there to put it down.

Aiden: 6 PM.

Kurt: Pictures. First up, I will show up 30 minutes early with my entire family.

Aiden: I will present you with a refrigerated corsage made entirely of 100% baby’s breath. That’s the breath of a baby, girl.

Kurt: I will rent a tux from a Halloween website.

Aiden: We can take 3,000 pictures next to your neighbor’s fancy shrub and my hands, they’re gonna sweat so much that the back of your dress is gonna change color, girl.

Kurt: 6:45.

Aiden: Limo time.

Kurt: I will pay for my whole portion of limo and half of your’s.

Aiden: I of course will sit front where there’s a seatbelt and I will chat with the driver. It seems like it would be hard to drive around the corners with the limo.

Kurt: 7:23.

Aiden: We enter the dance.

Kurt: You walk off to be with and talk to girls. I will be with my guys. Twice through the night, I will approach you and then leave.

Aiden: Mr. Chadman said we’d make a great pair. I don’t know if you’ve heard that but it’s actually something to think about.

Kurt: Our prom is at the Aviation Museum. I was actually on the committee to help select a theme. WWII.

Aiden: And ooh, girl. If we were at prom, we’d dance like this. [dancing]

Kurt: And like this.

Aiden: Probably some of this.

Kurt: And of course, this. [dabs]

Aiden: 10:15.

Kurt: Make out time. When it’s time to kiss, I’ll become distant and sweaty like a first time bank robber.

Aiden: I will have so many altoids throughout the night, you will feel my breath in your eyes.

Kurt: I will close my eyes and fully miss your mouth.

Aiden: I’ll start things off easy by sucking your tongue just the way you like it, girl.

Kurt: At the end of the night, I will pay my friend Chris to give me a hickey.

Aiden: I can’t wait to take you home, to your house. And then I of course will go to my house and explode.

Both: I love you, Brigitte.

Video message: To the graduating class of 2020, from all of us at SNL: Girl, you’re a queen.

Grocery Store Ad

Kathy… Kate McKinnon

Suzanna… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Kathy and Suzanna speaking in Bartenson’s grocery store’s ad.]

Kathy: Hi, everyone. We’re Kathy and Suzanna-Anne-Helen from Bartenson’s Grocery Store.

Suzanna: As you know, staples like chicken, milk and bread have been flying off the shelves.

Kathy: That’s why we wanted to alert you to some items that despite the pandemic, we still have an absolute abundance .

Suzanna: Items like, Frozon Hawaiian pizza.

Kathy: A little bag of dry hard beans.

Suzanna: Margarine.

Kathy: Cauliflower pasta.

Suzanna: Mint Pringles.

Kathy: Wine from Missouri.

Suzanna: Chex mix. Opps! All pretzels.

Kathy: Impossible Lobster

Suzanna: Flouride bananas.

Kathy: And of course Dasani water.

Suzanna: What’s wrong with it? It’s water.

Kathy: I don’t know. I like it.

Suzanna: Well, we may be out of certain things like, eggs and soap. Some items are extremely in stock.

Kathy: We can’t get rid of them.

Suzanna: Like oat milk pizza.

Kathy: Boy scout cookies. They’re wet.

Suzanna: Pepsi crab.

Kathy: Tomoo. It’s tofu made from beef and cheese.

Suzanna: Mario Batali pasta sauce that we’ve rebranded as fat Italian ponytail pasta sauce.

Kathy: And of course, reduced sodium Dasani water. Now with 30% less salt. We also offer grocery delivery. And our website makes substitution a snap. You asked for pasta sauce. Do you want salsa? You asked for toilet paper. Do you want a DVD of Van Helsing?

Suzanna: We’ve also got kids. So, you can get creative at home. Like, make your own barbecue kit, a 400 pound commercial hog, some barbecue sauce and a knife.

Kathy: And of course, to clean up, Dasani Clorox wipes. Kills 4000% germs.

Suzanna: At Bartenson’s, there are some things we can always guarantee. Dedication, customer service and availability of certain items that we will never not have. Like, Ukrainian Yogurt.

Kathy: Pepto Bismol Oreo.

Suzanna: Peeps soup.

Kathy: And Dasani water, now vegetarian.

Suzanna: So, consider adding these new favorites to your shopping list.

Kathy: We want to give you what you want. But first, we need you to buy what we have.

Suzanna: From your friends at Bartenson’s grocery store.

Zoom Call

Mikey Day

Brian… Alex Moffat

Crystal… Heidi Gardner

Kevin… Chris Redd

Henriette… Aidy Bryant

Nan… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mike taking a video in his house]

Mike: Hey, everybody. Hi.

[Cut to a Zoom conference call. There are six participants including Henriette, Kevin, Crystal, Brian and Nan.]

All: Hey, hello.

Mike: Welcome to Sales Corp Industry’s first Zoom call. This is how we’re going to be doing meetings now. So we wanted to get everyone acquainted with the program, with a little Zoom tutorial. On the call today, we got Brian from sales.

Brian: Oh, man. So good to see you everybody. At a safe distance that is. Ha-ha-ha.

Mike: Ha-ha. Yeah. Um, we got Crystal from market research.

Crystal: Hey. Sorry, my place is such a wreck.

Mike: Na, that’s perfect. We got Kevin from research.

Kevin: Yo, any of y’all wearing pants? Be honest now. Ha-ha. Zoom is fun.

Mike: Oh-oh. It is. It is. And of course, Henriette and Nan, our fun receptionists.

Henriette: Yeah. It is. Yes. We just work the phones normally. So, we’re gonna see.

Nan: Hah! Hello. Hello. I got an email address for this.

Mike: Um, that’s great. We’re glad to have you. You guys will be just fine. Zoom has different layouts. So, go ahead and play around with the view on your screen while we chat. Anybody up to anything fun at home?

Brian: Well, mainly like a lot of my cat looking at me like, “Um, shouldn’t you be at work?”

Crystal: Hah, I know. My dogs are so happy right now. I take them on, like, 12 walks a day.

Kevin: Does anyone else fully hate their kids? Ha-ha.

Henriette: Ha-ha-ha. [Henriette has her mouth near to camera. We can’t see her full face.] And for me it’s been reevaluating which of my mugs I think are the funnies. Ha-ha. Okay. Now this isn’t right, is it?

Nan: Yes. And I recorded my own commentary for a dog’s purpose. I think this is not right.

Mike: You just don’t need to be so close to the camera.

Henriette: Okay. Well, I’ve been calling into QVC [moving the camera around, now we can only see her legs] telling them how good of a job I think that they’re doing.

Mike: Just reset the camera.

Nan: Okay. Like this? [Wayne Brady’s picture replaces Nan’s video] Did I activate Zoom?

Mike: No. You turned it off. And it looks like your avatar is a picture of Wayne Brady? Henriette and Nan, guys, just point the camera at you and just leave it be.

[Nan and Henriette start crying]

Henriette: [sobbing] We’re sorry.

Nan: [sobbing]We’re not cut out for this.

Henriette: [sobbing]I thought this computer only did solitaire.

Nan: [sobbing]We ruined the Zoom.

Mike: No, no, no. Guys, hey, don’t cry. No one ruined the Zoom. We’re all learning here, okay? Why don’t I jus show you guys some of the other cool features it has, okay? Like, there’s virtual background. Even though you’re at home, you can change the background to a beach or wherever you’d most like to be.

[Henriette gets a picture of ‘The Good Doctor’ as her background]

Henriette: This is my beach. It’s the only file I have on my computer and it is my favorite doctor.

Mike: The poster from ‘The Good Doctor?’

Henriette: He’s a doctor but he’s different.

Mike: Okay. Yeah. You can also share your screen down here.

Nan: Oh, wow.

Mike: Either your desktop or an application.

Nan: Okay, am I doing it? I was going for desktop. What part of my screen are you seeing?

Mikey: We’re seeing a Google search that says, “Siri, is my daughter pregnant?”

Henriette: Okay. But I was wondering. [Henriette is walking in her house] If a hacker gets a hold of Zoom, what can I tell? [Henriette walks into the bathroom and puts her laptop on the floor.]

Mikey: Oh, no. [Henriette closes the bathroom door.] No, no, no, no. Please don’t bring it into the bathroom. We can see you always.

Henriette: Oh. I didn’t know.

Nan: [covering her face with her sweater] Okay, my screen is dark again. Darn it.

Mike: No. Don’t take your clothes off, Nan. No, no, no, no. Don’t take your clothes off. Oh, my god. No, don’t. Stop. Both of you. I’m sorry to do this guys. Just please stop. Please.

[Henriette starts crying on her bed]

Oh, no.

Henriette: [sobbing] I’m bad news.

Nan: [sobbing]I’m from hell.

Henriette: [sobbing]I just found out I’m supposed to tip waiters.

Nan: [sobbing]I found out that I’m wearing my shoes on the wrong feet.

Mike: Okay, Henriette, Nan, don’t be so hard on yourselves. Guys, this technology is new. You’re staying home. I’m sure you’re great at that.

Henriette: [sobbing] No, I’m not.

Nan: [sobbing] I’ve never used soap before.

Henriette: [sobbing] I used my license as toilet paper and now I don’t know my own birthday.

Mike: Okay. That’s probably enough.

Nan: [sobbing] My husband says I can only use one sheet of toilet paper, but I need three to get all the dukie out.

Henriette: [sobbing] If I can’t kiss my kids on the mouth, I’m gonna hurt an animal.

Nan: [sobbing] I tried to clean my ass in the middle of the night with the hose in the driveway and I went viral.

Mike: Okay. You know what? Let’s call it. Henriette and Nan, we don’t need you to be on any Zoom calls.

Henriette: Thank god.

Nan: Oh, wonderful. Okay.

Kevin: Hey, um, does anybody knows where I can find Nan’s hose video?

Brian: Yeah, I’ll send it to everybody.

Kevin: Thanks brother.

Mike: Oh, thank you.

Nan: Thanks, guys.

RBG Workout

Ruth Bader Ginsburg… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Working Out at Home intro] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg in her home. She has a poster with “RBG’S Workout Corner” written on it]

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: Hello. I’m Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and I wanted to say heartfelt hello to everyone who’s stuck inside. I want to show you some exercise you can do while you’re in there just to stay, you know, fit and healthy. So, today we’re gonna be doing working all the major muscle groups of the body. That’ll be abs, gams, tuchus, chicken wings and critical thinking. So, let’s go. So, all you really need for a good home workout is a jump rope [showing a tiny rope] and some weights [showing earbuds].

You’ve got to remember to start by cleaning your equipment with one of these lysol wipes. [showing a wipe that’s size of a bed-sheet.] I’m tiny. They’re big. What are you gonna do?

I need my punching bags. [showing two teabags] Kavanaugh and Gorsuch. Alright, let’s go.

[Cut to Cardio session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is doing jumping jacks.]

Gotta workout. Don’t want to gain the quarantine 15 ounces. And you got to eat healthy to stay healthy. Everyday I eat a half a chicken. Sorry, chick pea.  Half a chick pea.

You got to pee a little every time you move. That’s normal. That’s good. That’s the burn.

Social distancing is important. [kicking at the camera] Take it from me, I’ve been social distancing from Justice Alito since ’03. And that’s a Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Tuchus session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one earbud on each of her hands and doing squats.] I’m very tough. I’m 87 years old. I survived cancer four times. I went to law school during the Spanish flu. Beat it.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg whispering in front of her cat]

That’s my trainer. If I mess up, he eats me. Scary guy.

[Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg sitting with the support of her back on the wall]

If you’re wondering, I’m not using this time to relax. I’m actually training for the 2021 Olympics. I’m going to do mental gymnastics to figure out why they cut the pandemic response team in 2018. Gins-burn!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a hip-hop beat] [Cut to Flappers session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is carrying one batter on each of her hands doing shoulder press.] So, for this I like to push myself with something really heavy. You got to get fit to push your thirst traps. I hope I crush these. Dr. Fauci, answer my DMs. [notification sound] That’s a slow burn.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a melodic beat.] [Cut to Stretch session. Ruth Bader Ginsburg is sitting on yoga mattress.]

Oh! Got to cool down now and stretch out with my foam roller. [Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows a piece of mostaccioli] It’s a piece of mostaccioli. Apparently, the virus came from the sick bat. Which makes me wonder, what was Giuliani doing in China?

Mitch McConnell said that the administration didn’t focus on the virus because they were too distracted by impeachment. I mean, are you in congress or parliament because your time line is funkadelic. Funk-me.

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a funk music.] [Cut to Ruth Bader Ginsburg standing in front of her ‘workout corner’ poster.]

Anyways, thanks for tuning in. And remember, stay healthy. All you need to do is one pushup. Push up is when you think, “Hey, it’s been two weeks. Maybe I’ll put on a bra.” And that’s a self-Gins-burn. Drop the beat!

[Ruth Bader Ginsburg starts dancing to a dance beat.] [The End]

The Sands of Modesto

Debranike… Kate McKinnon

Tyrell… Kenan Thompson

Stacia… Chloe Fineman

Blaise… Daniel Craig

Victania… Cecily Strong

[Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” intro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

Male voice:  With the outbreak of COVID-Debranike9, otherwise known as Coronavirus, the producers of today’s of episode of “The Sands of Modesto” would like to remind viewers that the staging of certain scenes has been altered for the actor’s safety.

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

[Cut to

Debranike: Thank you, Tyrell. My face looks amazing. I think I’m ready for the benefit.

Tyrell: Well, I am the best makeup artist in Modesto. Now, let me just put on some lip gloss. [Tyrell pulls out a two meter long lip-gloss brush and put it on Debranike from far away.] Alright. There you are. You are ready now, Debranike. I’m sorry to be personal, but may I ask you a question? [pulls out a feather] Does a cuckatoo live here?

[Debranike gets emotional]

Debranike: Not anymore. Cuckatoo flew far, far away.

Tyrell: Good. That explains it. Then I’ll take my leave. Thank you very much.

[They pretend they’re shaking hands from two meters far.]

Debranike: Thank you Tyrell. [phone ringing] Oh, excuse me. It seems like I have a phone call. [Debranike sprays disinfectant on the phone and herself before answering.] Hello? My god! Really? Well, where is she now? Here? Well, it can’t be.

[doorbell ringing]

Coming. On my way.

[Debranike uses tissues to open the door.] [Stacia walks in]

Stacia?

Stacia: Hello, mother.

Debranike: But, you were killed in that plane crash.

Stacia: That’s what I was told. But I’m alive.

Debranike: Oh! Come, let me hold your face, my darling. [Debranike holds Stacia’s face with her elbows] Look at you. Aw, I never wanna let you go.

Stacia: Don’t, mother. Don’t ever.

Debranike: How in the world did you get back?

Stacia: Well, I had the help of a friend.

[Blaise walks in. He has a white parrot on his one hand.]

Blaise: Debranike, hello.

Debranike: Blaise? Blaise Childes.

Blaise: It’s been quite a long time. You remember Charles. [showing his parrot]

Debranike: Of course. Hello, Charles. Blaise, I thought you left to become a priest.

Blaise: Yes. But I couldn’t do it. The ‘no sex’ part. Also, have you read the bible? It’s weird. The truth is, I couldn’t stop thinking about you.

Stacia: I’ll give you two a moment. Mother, one more embrace?

Debranike: Of course.

[They act like they’re hugging from two meters far.] [Stacia walks out]

I’ll admit this is quite a surprise. How did sands of Modesto shift in such unpredictable way?

Blaise: Indeed they do. Please join me on the couch. Let’s get reacquainted. Excuse us, Charles. [Blaise puts his parrot on a table] [Debranike and Blaise sit on a couch keeping distance] See, isn’t that better?

Debranike: Oh, please. Being this close to you, it brings back so many feelings.

Blaise: Well, fight them. Remember how I used to stroke your hair?

Debranike: Well, I’ll never forget that for a second. [Blaise uses a long fake arms to stroke Debranike’s hair.] The gorgeous man’s hand. And this touch. Oh, Blaise, I can’t help it. I wanna kiss you.

[Debranike and Blaise stand]

Blaise: Well, why don’t you? Come darling. We can’t deny this any longer.

Debranike: Then kiss me. Kiss me now.

Blaise: It’s all I ever wanted to do.

[Blaise pulls out a glass slab. Debranike and Blaise kiss with the glass slab in between.]

Oh, your kisses. They taste just like I remember.

Debranike: Oh, take me. Take me, Blaise. Please. [Debranike lies down. Blaise puts a plastic on her.] Yes. Yes. Blaise. Blaise.

[Blaise gets on Debranike]

Blaise: I feel like we will melt into one.

[Victania walks in]

Victania: Debranike! What the hell are you doing?

Blaise: Victania? How did you find us?

Victania: You think if my ex husband came back into town, I wouldn’t know about it? Bitch, this is Modesto! [Victania puts sanitizer on her hands]

Debranike: So, it is. And perhaps it’s not big enough for the both of us.

Victania: You’re damn right.

[Victania acts like she slapped Debranike from far away. Debranike acts like it hit her and falls down.]

Debranike: Ah! You crazy slut.

[They wear gloves and pull barbies. Then they start hitting each other’s barbies with their owns.]

Victania: God! I’m sorry. I over reacted. I never had thought– [sneezes]

Debranike and Blaise: Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

[Debranike and Blaise walk out of the house.] [Starts with “The Sands of Modesto” outro.]

Female voice: The Sands of Modesto.

The Ingraham Angle Coronavirus Cold Open

Laura Ingraham… Kate McKinnon

Jeanine Pirro… Cecily Strong

Donald Trump Jr. … Mikey Day

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Chris Matthews… Darrell Hammond

Elizabeth Warren

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with “The Ingraham Angle” intro] [Cut to Laura Ingraham in her set]

Laura Ingraham: Good evening and welcome to the Ingraham angle. [cheers and applause] I am Laura Ingraham, the Joey Fatone of FOX News. Later in the program, walking silver alert, Joe Biden takes the lead on Super Tuesday. Bernie Sanders announced his running mate, the ghost of Fidel Castro. Then former candidate Elizabeth Warren will be joining us live via satellite… I don’t know, scold us for owning cars. But first, tonight’s main story, I don’t know why Coronavirus, the left continues to wage its deceitful dishonest and frankly gay smear campaign against president Trump. Here’s a video of some loco libs driving to hold foods to buy the last bottle of organic Purell.

[Cut to a video clip of Vin Diesel flying a car from one building to another from the movie Fast and Furious Kate McKinnon.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham]

It’s insane. The left is trying to whip people into a fear frenzy of lies which jus isn’t right. That’s our thing. Look, Coronavirus isn’t urban legend. And yes, I said urban as a dog whistle. The point is, you’ve got much bigger things to worry about. And to help you calm down, here’s a list of much bigger things to worry about. [a list appears on the screen]. You got women who keep their maiden names; Montessori schools; Mexican teenagers rehearsing dance for a quinceañera in public park; fat barbies; “What’s the maid saying?”; black marching bands, they’re too good; and Harry Styles??? What’s he doing? Who’s that for?

[The list goes off]

So, instead of wasting your money on $300 surgical masks, consider supporting my ever-thinning list of sponsors. Like, Deer Tanks. Let’s face it, shooting deer takes too long. Send Bamby to hell with Deer Tanks. And Indoor Horn. Not allowed to drive anymore? Now you can still honk and scream at people inside with Indoor Horn. And Word Searches with racial slurs in it. You didn’t say it. You just circled it.

For more on this liberal fan fiction that is the Coronavirus, we go to judge, Jeanine Pirro.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Jeanine Pirro]

Jeanine Pirro: Get rid of me’.

Laura Ingraham: Get rid of who?

Jeanine Pirro: Whoever.

Laura Ingraham: Okay. Thanks for joining us, Jeanine. Shouldn’t our viewers be doing anything to prepare for Coronavirus?

Jeanine Pirro: Hell, no. Americans are not at risk. Especially not our viewers who skew elderly are in bad health, live cloister together in homes specifically for sick people and have smoked their entire lives.

Laura Ingraham: Sounds like you’re not too worried.

Jeanine Pirro: Not one bit, Laura. So, don’t get it twisted. If you see me avoiding Chinese restaurants, it’s not coz I’m scared. It’s because I don’t trust the Chinese. A fortune cookie once told me to lower my voice and I’ve never looked back.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Well, stay safe out there, Jeanine.

Jeanine Pirro: No need. [Jeanine Pirro shows a glass of martini] Alcohol is a disinfectant, so mama’s gonna live for ever. [Jeanine Pirro drinks the martini]

Laura Ingraham: Well, thank you for that excellent report. [Cut to Laura Ingraham] We go now to the men in the inside, Don Jr. and Eric Trump.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham, Donald Trump Jr. and Eric Trump]

Donald Trump Jr.: Hi, Laura. Did you get my valentine?

Laura Ingraham: Pass. Now, what can you tell us about the president’s response to the virus?

Donald Trump Jr.: Laura, [Eric Trump is copying everything that Donald Trump Jr. is doing] our father has everything under control. You know, democrats would love for people to get sick so they can use it to their advantage. Like, how we give Eric raw chicken so he misses important meetings.

Eric Trump: Ha-ha. I love my pink nuggets.

Donald Trump Jr.: That’s great, buddy. Laura, the libs think they can spin this to hurt our father. But if there’s anything my dad’s on top of it’s–

Eric Trump: The toilet.

Donald Trump Jr.: No. It’s this crisis. You don’t have to give answers, buddy. I got it. Look, the fact of matter is Americans are perfectly safe. It’s like our dad always says–

Eric Trump: The N word?

Donald Trump Jr.: No. No. Only during songs, buddy.

Eric Trump: Okay.

Donald Trump Jr.: Didn’t we bring you a toy or something you can play with?

Eric Trump: Ya-hah. My beepy toy.

Donald Trump Jr.: Okay. Eric, that’s a thermometer. It only beeps if you have fe–

[Eric Trump puts the thermometer in his mouth and it starts beeping. Donald Trump Jr. checks the thermometer.]

104?

Eric Trump: Yes!

Donald Trump Jr.: Buddy, where did you get this?

Eric Trump: The park.

Donald Trump Jr.: We gotta go, Laura.

Laura Ingraham: Alright. Thanks for joining us.

Eric Trump: I’m a father.

[Cut to Laura Ingraham]

Laura Ingraham: Great. Now, first off, getting the vegan leather boot at MSNBC for the high crime of giving a girl a compliment, I’d like to welcome our newest FOX News anchor, Chris Matthews.

[Chris Matthews is sitting in the set with Laura Ingraham] [cheers and applause]

Chris Matthews: Welcome back to “Hardball.” I’m Chris Matthews. Tonight, my guest is Laura, a spooky blonde lady who lies to the elderly. Hah!

Laura Ingraham: Chris, no, you’re on my show.

Chris Matthews: Oh, I forgot. Force of habit. Maybe I’ll get in trouble for saying this. You look great.

Laura Ingraham: Chris, you can say whatever you want. It’s FOX.

Chris Matthews: Oh, my god. This place is amazing. Everyone here is hot, crazy or both.

Laura Ingraham: Yeah. Now, you resigned after recent non-scandals. Like, comparing Bernie Sanders to Hitler. How do you respond? And remember, you can put it as crazy as you want to.

Chris Matthews: Alright. Here it goes. The race is down to Hitler and an ice-cream cone to see who can beat the Michelin man. Back to you, girl Hitler. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Laura Ingraham: Welcome home. Thank you for joining us, Chris.

Chris Matthews: Da-ba-da-ha-ba.

Laura Ingraham: And now, our celebrity interview brought to you by our amazing sponsors. Like, Mesh Pillow. Your greedy kids can’t smother you with Mesh Pillow. And for anyone looking to make some quick cash, Fake Purell. It’s lube in a Purell bottle. And as always, White Chocolate. All the calories and none of the taste.

And now, an interview with the latest democratic candidate to end a campaign, the woman who savagely murdered Michael Bloomberg on live television. Please welcome senator Elizabeth Warren.

[Cut to split screen with Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren] [cheers and applause]

Elizabeth Warren: Hi, Laura. Thanks for having me.

Laura Ingraham: How have you been since dropping out of the race?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, I’m doing just fine. My friends and family have been so supportive. They’ve been calling non-stop asking, “Are you okay? What do you need? Were you electable?” That kind of thing.

Laura Ingraham: Oh. You certainly ran a memorable campaign. Here’s footage of you debating Mike Bloomberg.

[Cut to a video clip of a dog eating a burrito.] [Cut back to Laura Ingraham and Elizabeth Warren]

And just to be clear, were you the dog or the burrito?

Elizabeth Warren: I was the dog.

Laura Ingraham: Got it. [cheers and applause] So, you’re not endorsing anyone yet?

Elizabeth Warren: Well, it is tough. Maybe I’ll just pull a New York Times and endorse them both.

Laura Ingraham: Well, now that you’re done campaigning, do you have any regrets?

Elizabeth Warren: You know, not at all. I am so proud of our campaign. We built a wide correlation of teachers, pre-school teachers, middle-school teachers and teachers’ pets. And, not only did I not accept money from billionaires, I got to give one a swirly on live TV. [cheers and applause] But now, I got time to do a little self care. Hanging out with my dog Bailey, prank calling big banks, drag racing Subarus, avoiding Twitter. And before I go, I wanna thank my supporters and say one last thing.

[Kate McKinnon runs in. She’s wearing exactly same outfit as Elizabeth Warren.]

Kate McKinnon: Hi there. How are you? [cheers and applause] Sorry. I just– I wanted to put on my favorite outfit to thank you for all that you’ve done in your life time.

Elizabeth Warren: Um, I’m not dead. I’m just in the senate.

Kate McKinnon: Right. Whoo! Okay. You’re right. Um, so let’s stay in the spot. And let’s do this.

Elizabeth Warren and Kate McKinnon: Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

 

Deep Quote Game

Chris Redd

Kyle Mooney

Louis… Danel Craig

Lisa… Kate McKinnon

Duff… Heidi Gardner

Ego Nwodim

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with a group of colleagues playing board games in home.]

Chris: One more settlement and boom! That’s seven points victory. Marcus?

Kyle: Oh, man! Come on!

Louis: And here I am thinking we’re gonna have a nice pleasant game night with my wife’s work colleagues. And what? It’s a blood bath.

Lisa: Well, I hate to break it to you guys but I think we’re out of game.

Meli: It’s late. We should probably get going anyway.

Duff: Or we could quote?

Lisa: What’s that?

Duff: Um, we could quote? Like, say lines from movies and guess them?

Lisa: Oh. Oh. Okay. Is that a game that you like, Duff?

Duff: Yeah. Yeah. It really is.

Kyle: Actually, I just called a Lyft home. So…

Duff: Oh, then um… cancel it coz looks like we’re gonna quote.

Ego: Um, okay. Umm… I can start. “You’re a wizard, Harry.”

All: Harry Potter.

Duff: —and the sorcerer’s stone.

Louis: Oh. She’s right. Duff gets the point.

Duff: Yeah, cool. And now, I get to go coz I got that one. Okay. “I need two new suits off the rack. One light and one dark.”

Ego: No clue.

Louis: On, no, no, no. I know this one. This is… Aviator.

Duff: Oh, dammit! That was too easy.

Chris: Easy? That sounded vague as hell.

Duff: [looking at Louis deeply] Wow. You know your quote.

Louis: Yeah, I actually do.

Duff: Hah! Big D energy over there.

Louis: Yeah, that too.

Lisa: Louis, what was that?

Louis: It’s my turn. Here we go. “Thanks for walking in and now if you’ll excuse me, I’m not feeling so well.”

Duff: As good as it gets.

Louis: Oh!

Ego: What?

Kyle: You’re killing me.

Louis: How were you able to do that?

Duff: What? Do you quote?

Louis: Yeah.

Duff: Um, I don’t know. Probably coz I spend a lot of time watching movies all the time.

Louis: Hah. So, you’re a little quote queen?

Duff: I mean, if you’d say that. What– What are you? A flick daddy?

Louis: Only the biggest flick daddy you’ll ever meet in your whole life.

Lisa: Louise? Pal, you have a job.

Louis: No, I don’t. I’ve got fired six months ago.

[Louis turns towards Duff]

Lisa: Excuse me?

Louis: You’re very serious. [looks away] Who’s up?

Chris: Yeah. Maybe let’s stick to like, more well known quotes.

Duff: Sorry, but there’s no rule against deep movie.

Louis: No, she’s right. You know, it’s not a game if you don’t deep quote.

Lisa: Louis, deep quote?

Louis: Yeah, bud. Deep quote.

Lisa: The ‘bud’ thing gotta stop right now.

Duff: Alright. Okay, okay. My turn. Guess I’ll pick an easy one. Okay. “Hey, hi, I didn’t know you were here.”

Louis: Got it. No, no. Someone else go. Someone else go.

Kyle: Duff, it’s not a ton of identifying information in there.

Ego: Yeah, girl. What are you quoting?

Louis: Guys, it’s easy. Failure to Launch. Keep up, you morons.

Chris: Hey, I don’t like that.

Meli: Hey, Duff, maybe let’s play this another time.

Duff: What? No. We’re tied 2-2. I’m not about to lay down and let Lisa’s hot husband rail me.

Lisa: My husband?

Ego: Rail you?

Duff: Okay, okay, okay. Come on, quote off. You and me.

Louis: Alright. Let’s go, little girl.

Duff: Okay. “What made you pick me?”

Louis: Captain Phillips.

Duff: Ugh! Dammit. Go.

Louis: Only buddy goodie. “What are we supposed to do?”

Duff: Captain Phillips. Oh! Trying to trick me. Okay.

Louis: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Duff: Okay. Here’s another one. “It’s okay.”

Louis: Captain Phillips. You sneaky bitch!

[Duff and Louis are giggling]

Ego: Stop quoting Captain Phillips.

Louis: Okay, okay, okay. Here we go. “Go-do-un-bujah.”

Duff: “Go-do-un-bujah.” They are rich. parasite!

Meli: Parasite?

Chris: So, now you y’all know Korean? That’s stupid.

Duff: Okay, okay. Final round. No words, act out only.

Louis: Alright. Easy. I’ll start.

[Louis just raises his hands]

Duff: Up In the Air.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: Got it.

All: Up In the Air?

Duff: Okay, okay. My turn.

[Duff just coughs. Now, Duff and Louis are standing facing each other.]

Louis: Oh, Philadelphia! Get out!

Duff: Alright. Okay. You’re up.

Louis: Okay, okay. I got it.

[Louis kisses Duff]

All: No! No! No!

Duff: The notebook.

Louis: Ah!

Duff: I knew it was Gosling from your tongue.

[Lisa stands]

Lisa: Alright. Enough of this. Get out of my house.

Duff: [pointing at Lisa] Broke By Mountain.

Louis: Broke By Mountain.

Lisa: Get the hell out.

Daniel Craig James Bond Monologue

Daniel Craig

Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

Beck Bennett

Kate McKinnon

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Daniel Craig.

[Daniel Craig walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Daniel Craig: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. It is lovely to be back hosting Saturday Night Live. I hosted the show eight years ago. And my life is very different now. I moved to New York. So, when people say to me where Brooklyn at, I can actually tell them where it is. It’s over the Brooklyn bridge or the Manhattan bridge, just depending on the traffic.

Now, everyone assumes that because I played James Bond, I’m this, very suave sophisticated guy. Well, I have to admit. I kind of am. I mean, I’m James Bond. I know English people as supposed to be sort of humble. You know, they’re like, “Oh, I’m just a nerd.” You know? I’m not a nerd. You’re a nerd. Now, this next James Bond film is gonna be my last. But, it’s gonna be one of the best. Because we got Phoebe Waller-Bridge from “Fleabag” to help with some of the dialog. It’s not gonna be that different, but every so often, I will turn to the camera and I will say, “My name’s Bond. James Bond.” Is it bad that i fancy the pope?

Now, you also may have heard the release of the film has been delayed due to public health and so. But there’s this scene that’s my favorite. And you know, the producers are being kind enough to let me show it tonight. So, let’s take a look.

[Cut to sneak peek of “No Time to Die: 007”] [James Bond walks in a craps game in a casino near Chloe. They’re all dressed very well.]

Craps. [whispering in Chloe’s ear] I always thought your game was stealing state’s secret.

Chloe: [with accent] Hmm, whatever you want from me, James. The odds are not in your favor.

James Bond: Well, maybe I’ll be lucky.

[James Bond shows the dice to Chloe. Chloe blows on them.]

Now, where’s your boss?

[James Bond throws the dice] [James Bond and Chloe and looking at each other.]

Dealer: Seven. Winner.

James Bond: Really? Ha-ha. I just rolled a seven.

Chloe: What makes you think you can stop him?

James Bond: Oh, that’s simple, my darling. [throws the dice] I’m double-O…

Dealer: Seven.

James Bond: I can’t really– Not just once!

Dealer: High hand at the table, folks. Place your bets.

[a drunk couple joins the table]

Heidi: [to James Bond] Keep it up, tuxedo. My ass in the hole, you gotta dig me out.

Beck: I put big money down here, alright. Don’t lost em’. My wife’s gonna kill me. Ha! Who cares? Right? It’s my money. Right?

James Bond: Wow-wow-wow! What do I do now? What do I do now?

Old lady: Roll an eight for this old bean bag, would you?

James Bond: Okay. I can’t believe. My heart is beating so fast. This is just like– Okay, give me an eight. Give me an eight. Give me an eight.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Six-two. Easy eight.

Old lady: This slime is rolling hot bones tongiht.

[Kenan walks in near James Bond]

Kenan: You sir. You. You, sir. You. Sir, you, you.

James Bond: I don’t know why. I never play craps. It’s so exciting. So- I- Okay. What do I do now?

Chloe: That depends. What you about–

[Heidi interrupts Chloe]

Heidi: Another game now. Right now, it’s don’t roll seven.

James Bond: Okay. Got it. Got it. Waitress, waitress, can I get a vodka-martini. Shake it– Oh, you know what? No. Can I get a vodka and Redbull, pine glass please. Thank you. No seven. No seven.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: We got a six.

All: Oh!

Kenan: This guy! This!

Beck: Let’s go. Let’s put all our chips on hard four.

James Bond: Let’s do it. Let’s do it. Hard four. Hard four.

[Chloe moves near James Bond]

Chloe: James, perhaps we should move this discussion into my suite.

James Bond: Okay, I’ll meet you up then. If I roll a hard four, you’re all gonna call me Simba because I am the king of the jungle.

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: Two and two, make four the hard way.

[everybody cheering]

James Bond: [shouting] Yo! Yo! What my name is?

All: Simba! [Chloe is bored and embarrassed.] [James Bond drinks his vodka with Redbull.]

Chloe: [in James Bond’s ear] My boss is in the Knezevic, Iceland. That is where specter is located.

James Bond: Cool. Ladies and gentlemen, I have an announcement to make. I’m buzzed.

[everybody cheering]

Okay, okay, what do I want now?

Kenan: Snake eyes.

James Bond: Oh, you don’t deserve snake eyes.

All: Oh, please!

James Bond: Okay, okay, okay. Then work for it, bitches!

[the old woman walks to James Bond and shows him her breasts]

Old lady: Hey, why don’t you take a look at these old snake eyes?

James Bond: Oh! This got you snake eyes.

All: Yay!

[James Bond throws the dice]

Dealer: It seems Mr. Bond, your luck [points a gun at James Bond] has run out.

Chloe: He’s a specter agent.

[in no time, James Bond shoots at the dealer on his chest.]

Dealer: Well played, Bond.

James Bond: Everyone alright?

Kenan: Yeah. Specially since you just rolled snake eyes!

All: Yay!

[James Bond starts shooting on the ceiling out of excitement.] [Cut back to Daniel Craig in SNL monologue set.]

Daniel Craig: We have got a great show. The Weeknd is here. So, stick around. We’ll be right back.

[Kenan jumps in]

Kenan: This guy. Him. Him, y’all!