Wario

Plaintiff attorney…Heidi Gardner

Luigi… Kyle Mooney

Judge… Cecily Strong

Defense attorney… Mikey Day

Wario… Elon Musk

Waluigi… Kate McKinnon

Princess Peach… Chloe Fineman

Andrew Cuomo… Pete Davidson

Mario… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with a case running in the court room]

Plaintiff attorney: And I know this is difficult, but were you present at the time of your brother’s murder?

Luigi: I was.

Plaintiff attorney: And how exactly was he a-killed? Sorry. Killed.

Luigi: We had a friendly race in the gocart. Then someone threw a bananapeel at Mario. His car spin out. He wiped all over the pavement. I hear noise like — [the sound of Mario dying in game plays] And I knew my brother was dead.

Plaintiff attorney: And is the person who threw banana peel present in the courtroom at this moment.

Luigi: [pointing] He!

Judge: Alright. Let the record show that the witness has indicated Wario, the evil Mario.

Defense attorney: Objection.

Judge: I’m sorry. The other Mario.

Plaintiff attorney: The prosecution rests, your honor.

Luigi: He a monster.

Wario: I’m afraid.

Defense attorney: Don’t worry. This is why they pay me the big bucks.

Judge: Would the defense like to call it’s first witness?

Defense attorney: We would, your honor. The defense calls Wario. Wario, is it true as many have put forward today that you are evil?

Wario: No. I am not evil. I’m just misunderstood. Some of the anti-Italian hate rate in this courtroom is disgusting.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection. His accent is really bringing it on himself.

Judge: Sustained. Watch it, Wario.

Defense attorney: You know, funny you should mention his accent. Your honor, I’d like to submit as evidence Wario’s Super Mario wiki fan page and this is all real.

Wario: People are so mean online.

Defense attorney: First, the section entitled ‘personality’ and see if this doesn’t sound defamatory to my client’s character. “Wario is generally lazy, ruthless and greedy. He is foul and smelly, as he eats a lot of garlic, his favorite food.” Wow! Racist much?

Plaintiff attorney: Objection! He is eating garlic right now.

Defense attorney: Let’s just keep reading. Shall we? Here’s a section titled ‘friends’. “Wario has almost never been seen with friends. The only person who hangs out with him is Waluigi, the evil Luigi.”

Waluigi: And I don’t appreciate that description. I Waluigi. It’s like a weird Luigi. Not an evil Luigi. Not at all.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection, how is any of this relevant?

Defense attorney: It goes toward how my client is unfairly painted as a villain. Listen to his theme song.

[Wario’s theme songs plays. He starts dancing.]

Judge: Alright. I’ll have order in this court.

[Judge hits the table with a gavel. The sound of the gavel is that of when Mario hits coin brick.]

Defense attorney: Wario, you know Mario better than anyone.

Wario: He’s just like me, only different colors. And I’m a little fatter.

Defense attorney: Did Mario have a dark side?

Wario: Yes. He started eating mushrooms. At first it was micro-dosing. And then it became macro-dosing. And sometimes he was flashing like he was invincible. That’s when he was on cocaine.

Plaintiff attorney: Objection.

Judge: Overruled. This is fun.

Defense attorney: And was there anything off between him and Luigi?

Wario: Yes. I hate for it to come out like this but Luigi was sleeping with Princess Peach, Mario’s wife.

[Luigi and Princess Peach get angry]

Luigi: You lie. We never sleep together.

Princess Peach: I never touch him under the overall.

Defense attorney: Hah! If what you say is true, how do you explain these text messages. “Hey Luigi, my faucet’s dripping. I need a plumber who can really lay some pipe.” From Luigi, three:seventeen AM, “U up? I am…” And then he sent this video.

[The video shows Luigi’s penis getting an erection. The sound of Mario’s growing plays.]

Defense attorney: And I don’t think I need to tell you what the growing noise means.

Luigi: You are son of a bitch. Your ruin my life!

[Luigi pulls out a turtle]

Princess Peach: Luigi, no!

Judge: He’s got a red turtle shell.

[Andrew Cuomo walks in]

Andrew Cuomo: Hello. I’m governor Andrew Cuomo.

Wario: And I’m Wario.

Andrew Cuomo: And we are two misunderstood Italian Americans.

Wario: I’m actually Japanese, but okay.

Andrew Cuomo: Sure. Please don’t believe the horrible stereotypes. You see, in Mario world, some of the bad guys are even called “Goombas”.

[Mario walks in]

Mario: And I’m regular Mario. Don’t worry about me. Sure, I died. But I still got three lives left. [starts dancing]

Andrew Cuomo: And hopefully, so do I.

[Cut to Italian-American Anti-Defamation League logo]

Male voice: This has been a message from  Italian-American Anti-Defamation League

Cartoon Wario: Ane me, Wario! Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Post-Quarantine Conversation

Kate Mckinnon

Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Ego Nwodim

Heidi Gardner

Elon Musk

Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: And now, every conversation with people you haven’t seen since quarantine started.

[Cut to people at a party. Kate walks to Beck.]

Kate: Hey.

Beck: Hi.

Kate: Good to see you. It’s been– Well, it’s been since before quarantine.

Beck: Yes. Totally. How– How was it?

Kate: Um, yeah, it was okay. Considering. It was okay.

Beck: Yeah.

Kate thinking to herself: Who the fuck is this? Is this a person I know?

Beck: It’s such a weird time. But things seem to be opening up again. Fingers crossed.

[both laughing]

Beck thinking to himself: Who the hell is this woman? Is she my wife’s friend? Or do our kids go to school together?

[Cut to Chris and Ego chatting on a sofa]

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now. What’s summer even going to be like?

Ego: I know, right? Like, will people travel and do stuff?

Chris: I will get on a plane with you right now.

[both laughing]

Chris thinking to himself: Is she my cousin? Hope I’m not flirting with someone that might be my cousin.

Ego thinking to herself: He remembers he’s my cousin, right? And how many times can a person say, “it’s such a crazy time right now”?

Chris: It’s such a crazy time right now.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon chatting]

Heidi: So, did you travel at all?

Elon: No. You?

Heidi: No.

Elon: Cool.

Heidi thinking to herself: Is this really a conversation?

Elon thinking to himself: I think this is going pretty well.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: And how was your quarantine?

Kate: You asked me that already. But you know, it was okay. Some ups and downs.

Kate thinking to herself: Ups and downs? You stabbed your husband with a screwdriver. You won’t finish the bookshelf and you stabbed him. You don’t even own books.

Kate: But I’m sure we all went through some stuffs.

Beck: Totally.

Beck thinking to himself: It affected me zero.

Beck: But I think I’m just going to be extra cautious for the rest of my life, you know?

[Beck wipes his noes, grabs some snakes with the same hand, eats the snacks and licks his finger.] [Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Elon: Which vaccine did you get?

Heidi: I got Pfizer.

Elon: I got Mederna.

Heidi: Nice.

Heidi thinking to herself: A question that leads nowhere. It’s like asking, “Are you more tylenol or advil”?

Elon thinking to himself: Let me guess. The second dost knocked her out for BeckEgo hours.

Heidi: The second dose knocked me out for about BeckEgo hours.

Elon: Well, it sounds like a unique experience you need to tell everyone about.

Elon thinking to himself: Oh, shit! I said that out loud. Quick laugh so that she knows you’re kidding.

[Elon starts laughing, and Heidi follows]

Heidi thinking to herself: I’ll fucking kill you.

[Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: I got that Johnson&Johnson baby, one and done.

Ego: And now you’re totally safe.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Beck: Quarantine was good though?

Kate: No.

Beck: Great.

Kate: But recently I have been going to dinner again.

Kate thinking to herself: Did I just say “I’ve been doing to dinner again”? Should I give him more details or should I die?

Beck: I went to one dinner outdoors and one dinner indoors.

Beck thinking to himself: Do I have brain damage? I think I might have permanent brain damage.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: How is your wife?

Elon: Oh, really good. We’ve been working from home, so we’re really productive and we get to see each other more.

Elon thinking to himself: We’re getting divorced and I’m losing my job.

[Cut to Kate and Beck]

Kate: Anyway, so great to see you.

Beck: So fine catching up.

Beck thinking to himself: I will never see this woman again.

Kate thinking to herself: I will make it a post quarantine goal to never talk to this man again for the rest of my life.

Beck: Come here.

[Beck tries to hug Kate but Kate refuses]

Beck: We’re bros.

Kate: Okay.

[Cut to Heidi and Elon]

Heidi: It was really great talking to you.

Elon: Me too.

Heidi: Me too.

Elon: It’s great.

Heidi: Yes.

[both runs to opposite direction] [Cut to Chris and Ego]

Chris: Hey, this was lot of fun.

Ego: Yeah. [Chris leans to kiss Ego] What are you doing?

Chris: What?

Ego: You’re my cousin.

Chris: What? Oh, nah! I totally forgot.

Chris thinking to himself: I almost got away with it.

[Andrew walks in]

Andrew: Hey, everyone. A toast to Mark for getting us all back together.

[everybody raising glass but confused]

Andrew thinking to himself: Oh, shit, this is a wrong house.

Ooli Show

Barn… Mikey Day

Ooli… Chloe Fineman

Ragnorok… Elon Musk

Frances McDormand… Kate McKinnon

Steve Buscemi… Pete Davidson

Bjork… Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Iceland Public Television.

[Cut to show intro]

Male voice: Pop culture. Bops. Celebrities. Games. Candy. It’s the “Ooli show”.

[Cut to Barn]

Barn: And now, let meet host, Iceland’s number one social media star, Ooli.

[Cut to Barn]

Ooli: Hello and welcome to the Ooli show. Pretty cool. I’m Ooli and this is my side guy, Barn.

Barn: We got big show today, Ooli.

Ooli: So cool. Iceland’s number one comedy duo is here. Thobo and Graptor.

[Cut to Ragnorok and Frances. They just groan.] [Cut back to Ooli]

Ooli: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Hilarious. So, you have a good weekend, Barn?

Barn: Yes. I visited my elf shrine, Ooli. I left a tiny sausage for them.

Ooli: Aw, so cute. You have to keep the elfs happy or they spill your shoes. Oh, I see my producer Ragnorok is trying to get my attention. What’s wrong? Did I mess something?

Ragnorok: You? Ha-ha-ha. Never. I just can’t hold it any longer, Ooli. I’m in love with you. Please, will you be my girlfriend?

Ooli: Aw, Ragnorok, you’re so silly. But no. Okay, time to say, “What’s up, y’all?”, to our big celebrity star, Frances McDormand.

[Frances walks in. Barn, Ooli and Ragnorok are dancing]

Frances: Are you going to stop dancing or are we–? [They don’t stop] Okay.

Ooli: Yeah! [after dancing a while, Ooli and Barn take their seats] So, Frances, welcome to the ‘Ooli Show’. What’s bringing you to Iceland?

Frances: I’m here to buy more Gray Sack dresses. Ha-ha-ha. I’m out of Gray Sacks.

Ooli: Wow. Pretty cool.

Frances: So, what is this? People really watch this show?

Ooli: Yes. Well, I was just like this normal Icelandinc girl. But then tit popped out during Prince Phillip funeral. So, now they gave me show. Lucky, it was my good tit. So, tell me about your movie “Nomad Land”.

Frances: Well, you know, it’s a look at how the great recession impacted the American dream.

Ooli: Oh, wow. That sound boring. Okay, time for a quick hat. [Ooli wears a red hat] Is my hat funny?

Barn: [laughing alone] Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah! Frances?

Frances: Uh, yeah, sure.

Ooli: And now, a very quick word from our sponsor, Barn?

Barn: Well, the Ooli show is sponsored by “Cousin Checker” app. How many times have you found out too late that your lover is your cousin? In Iceland, it happens a lot. Cousin Checker tells you if you’re cousins before you get passed second base. Download now.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, you keep waving your arms. Don’t ask me to be your girlfriend again.

Ragnorok: No, I promise.

Ooli: Okay good, go ahead.

Ragnorok: Be my girlfriend. I have a little bit of money but lots of goats and ponies.

Ooli: Okay. I love ponies. They’re very, very cute. But still, a hard no. Okay. Let’s bring out our next guest. Give a big hand to our American movie guest, Steve Buscemi.

[Steve walks in. Barn and Ooli are dancing]

Frances: Yes. So, since he’s here, can I leave? Because I would love to leave.

Ooli: No way. You have to stay the whole time. So, Steve Cemi, you seem like a cool American guy like Bart Simpson. Bad boy Bart Simpson kind of guy, yes?

Barn: Yeah. Like, American kind of Scooby Doo kind of guy. Roller Coaster Pizza Pie guy.

Steve: Thanks.

Ooli: You have a new movie coming out?

Steve: No, I don’t.

Barn: Wow, so cool. Okay, Ragnorok, what now?

Ragnorok: Ooli, I think of all the good times we could have, eating fermented calk in the nude.

Ooli: Okay, Ragnorok, stop. Cousin Check told us we were cousins.

Ragnorok: Exactly. We have so much in common.

Ooli: Ha-ha. Awkward. Now, we have one more special surprise. It’s a little baby song. Please welcome Iceland’s most and only famous musician, BJork!

[Cut to BJork] [music playing]

BJork: This song is about tiny, tiny bird.

[singing badly] Hi, little tiny bird
with a giant heart

Thank you.

Ooli: Wow. Beautiful. After the break, with more Steve and Frances.

Frances: Oh, I still can’t leave?

Ooli: No. No way. Stick around for more Ooli show. Bye bye.

 

Murdur Durdur

Alex Moffat

Care… Kate McKinnon

Policeman… Bowen Yang

Owen… Beck Bennett

Woman… Chloe Fineman

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a movie intro. Alex and Care are investigating a murder]

Male voice: In a small town somewhere between New York and DC.

Alex: County sent me to see this investigation.

Male voice: Comes another story of grizzled lady detective.

Care: Cell me Care. Everybody else does.

Bowen: A jogger found the body over there.

Alex: What do we know so far?

Care: I don’t know we know. All I know is what we don’t know.

Male voice: With a very specific accent.

[Care looks at the dead body’s face]

Care: Oh, no. I know her. It’s Owen’s dudur (daughter).

Alex: Durdur?

Care: Did I stir? The durdur has been murdered.

Alex: Oh, daughter.

Male voice: You’ve seen dead teens in New York, Chicago and Boston. But what about another city with very specific white? Pennsylvania whites.

[Two police officers ad eating

Care: Would you quit eating wawa hoagies over the body, please?

Police officers: Sorry, boss.

Male voice: From the makers of “Mare of Easttown” and “It’s always sunny in Philadelphia”, comes–

[Owen comes in]

Owen: No. Is it my durdur?

Care: Owen, she’s murdered.

Owen: They murdered my durdur?

Care: I’m afraid so.

Owen: [falls on his knees] My durdur! My baby durdur, and they murdered her!

Male voice: Murder Durdur, an extremely Pennsylvania crime show.

Care: I’m going to Yngling to take the edge off.

Owen: Oh, thanks Care.

Male voice: Highly accurate”, says the Delco-Daily. “The writers clearly googled. They knew the foods and the towns.”

[The detectives are looking at the map]

Bowen: Thur in this third matches the stin down the Daninton.

Care: The roras for Pesho Casen.

Bowen: Pesco cho hankin?

Care: No, Pesho Casen. Over by the Jangoff bridge.

Alex: Great. And you guys can spell that for me later?

Male voice: Starring an actress with a messy ponytail that says “Forget, I’m actually British.”

[Cut to Care interrogating a woman]

Care: Mandi (Monday) night, how did she get hum (home).

Woman: I told you. She got um on her own.

Care: Show me your phone.

Woman: Fine. But I ain’t murder no one’s durdur. I have no idea how she ended up in the wooter (water).

Care: What wooter?

Male voice: The New York time says, “So authentically Pennsylvania, I’m assuming. Absolutely everyone was related to each other.”

Bowen: Look, Care, I know why you’re a cop. Because your pop was a cop. And your pop pop was a cop. And your pop pop’s pop pop was the original Philly fanatic. It’s not your fault your son drowned in the schuylkill on purpose.

Alex: How does he know all that?

Care: Because he is my cousint (cousin). And he’s my cousint [pointing at another guy]. And that’s my ex-husbands (husband) [pointing at another guy]. And that girl–

Heidi: Hey, Care.

Alex: Let me guess, your cousint?

Care: No. It’s my grandurr.

Alex: Granddaughter? How old are you?

Care: I’m Philly 40.

Male voice: Constantly overcast. A creek and three bad homes. And moments of true suspense.

[Alex and Care are in the woods at night with flash lights. They hear something moving.]

Alex: Wait, is that the killer?

Care: No, that’s just Gritty.  [Someone’s wearing full Gritty costume and running way] Hey, Gritty, go flyers! [Gritty waves his hand] [Cut to Owen walking into the police station]

Owen: Cap, I’m going to murder whoever murdered my durdur.

Care: Owen. I don’t know who did your durdur’s murder, alright?

[a pastor walks in with a girls bicycle]

Pastor: I need some help. I’m father Delbert, you durdur and I were friends.

Care: Oh! Okay. So, he did it. He is the durdur murderer.

Pastor: You got me.

Male voice: Murdur durdur, this is where Joe Biden is from. Wow.

Gen Z Hospital

Mikey Day

Ego Nwodim

Nurse… Melissa Villaseñor

Kate McKinnon

Bowen Yang

Heidi Gardner

Doctor… Elon Musk

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: We now return to the thrilling conclusion of Gen Z Hospital.

[Cut to three people waiting in a hospital]

Mikey: Well, nobody’s telling us anything, is bestie going to be okay?

Ego: Nurse, we demand to know how our bestie is doing.

[nurse is wearing pink outfit and she had her hair dyed pink]

Nurse: I’m sorry, bro, I told you I don’t have that information yet.

Kate: Bro, seriously?

Bowen: I’m so pressed right now, bro.

Nurse: Don’t be pressed. Doctor will be in shortly, bro. Dead ass.

Heidi: Yo! If this doctor keeps leaving us on red, he’s going to catch hands on gang.

Ego: Na, na, it’s gonna be okay. Bestie cannot die like this.

Mikey: Big facts. She’s gonna make it, bro.

Kate: There’s the doctor now.

[doctor walks out]

Doctor: Is this Mogan’s squad?

Bowen: Gang, gang.

Kate: Doctor, please tell us what’s up with our bestie?

Doctor: You all might wanna sit down. What I have to say right now would be a little cringe.

Heidi: Just give us the tea.

Doctor: Okay. Well, as you may have seen it on our live, your bestie took a major L while driving her hellcat.

Bowen: Yeah, we saw.

Doctor: We tried everything we could in surgery and it was a sus for a while. But we have your bestie on our machine and we’re doing everything we can.

Kate: So, bestie is going to be okay, right?

Doctor: I’m sorry, but at this particular time, that’s looking like cap.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: Bro, can we see her?

Doctor: Unfortunately, not right now, bro. You know the vibes. But I promise if anything changes, I’ll pull up.

Mikey: Say less, bro.

Ego: And thank you, doctor. You a real one.

Kate: We stan you.

Doctor: And I stan you. I can only imagine the feels you’re going through right now. if you’ll excuse me.

Mikey: Bro! I’m extra salty right now. How could bestie be so irresponsible?

Bowen: Yo, millions of people flip their hellcat on live everyday cuh!

Ego: Yeah, you know that could have happened to anyone in the game.

Ego: I know, but when it’s bestie, it just hits different.

Mikey: Yeah, specially since bestie is my mom.

Bowen: Yo, she’s not just your mom.

Heidi: She is all our work moms.

Kate: Exactly. But please, go off, king.

Mikey: But she’s actually my mother, bro. So, it’s like a little different.

Ego: High key, it’s not though.

Bowen: Yeah. Take several seats respectfully, flaw!

Kate: Look, the doctor’s coming back in.

Doctor: Hey guys, so, big yikes. While I was out here trumping up with you, your bestie took a turn for the worst.

Mikey: Bro!

Heidi: You capping!

Doctor: Unfortunately, no cap. She’s literally dead right now.

Kate: So, she’s laughing?

Bowen: That’s good news.

Doctor: No. I mean she’s literally dead. Dead dead.

All: Bro!

Bowen: I pretend I do not hear it.

Heidi: Bro! I am so done right now!

Mikey: I am so dead that she is dead. Can we see her?

Doctor: Of course, but please, try not to get all extra. Sis?

[Nurse walks in with an urn]

Mikey: Bro, you already cremated her?

Doctor: No, this is empty.

Nurse: This just looks way better for the gram than a dead body.

Kate: That urn is really iconic.

Bowen: Fire.

Doctor: Take all the time you need.

[Doctor passes the urn to Mikey]

Mikey: Thanks, bro. I guess we should all say something, right? It’s the unconditional support and being a great mom for me.

Bowen: It’s the having 200,000 followers for me.

Kate: It’s the always doing donuts in your hellcat for me.

Heidi: It’s letting NBA Young Boy smasher all-star weekend for me.

Ego: It’s the “always bringing back henny from vacation” for me.

Doctor: Well, I don’t know. But it’s “I have full coverage” for me.

Mikey: That was beautiful, doctor bro. Alright, let’s get a pic. Come on. Crowd in.

[They all take a group selfie.]

Study Buddy

Krissy… Carey Mulligan

Josh.. Kate McKinnon

Jason… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Krissy and Josh are at Krissy’s room.]

Krissy: Thanks for working on that project with me, Josh. I think our diorama of the Bush family is really good.

Josh: Me too. Well, my mother won’t be here for another three quarters of an hour. I could wait by the door or clean something.

Krissy: No, stay. Let’s just talk. Here.

Josh: At your request. Alright.

[Krissy and Josh sit on a couch.]

Krissy: Well, Josh, I just wanted to say it’s been cool having so many classes with you.

Josh: Wow. Krissy, honestly, I could say the same.

Krissy: I love that your childless aunt brought you to the Galapagos. You showed you pictures to the class for an hour.

Josh: Well, your tortoise questions were very astute.

Krissy: Anyway, I just wanted to say I’m glad we’re hanging out.

Josh: Hanging out, you said?

Krissy: Yes. [puts her hand on Josh’s thighs] Hanging out.

Josh: Would you excuse me for a moment, Krissy? Because I am getting a phone call from doctor. [on the phone] Hi, is my best friend Jason there? Yes, I’ll hold.

Jason: Hello, Jason speaking.

Josh: Jason, you are not going to believe what’s going down. I am laying next to the hottest girl I have ever seen.

Jason: My good man.

Josh: I won’t say her name in case she can hear me, but I will give you a clue. She is Beyonce of our science class.

Jason: Roger that. Paint the picture.

Josh: Okay. So, we are currently in her bedroom on a papasan for two. And simply put, I’m afraid. What do I do?

Jason: Okay. Well, I’m glad you called me because I did have a girlfriend at a graphic design camp. So, tell me, what’s your body language?

Josh: Okay. I am sort of curled in a fetal position away from her on the phone.

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: She’s looking at me.

Jason: Wow, my friend. We’re in a bit of a pickle. Okay, we need some wow factor. Why don’t you whisper a secret? Sensually into her ear?

Josh: Very good. [Josh calls Krissy to get close and whispers to her ear.] One species of jellyfish is immortal.

Krissy: Wow. That’s so cool. Thanks for telling me.

Josh: [back to phone] Okay, somehow that went well.

Jason: Cheers. Next things next. Do you have something that you could offer her? Perhaps as a gift?

Josh: Okay. One moment. [goes through his pockets] I have a hundred napkins. My inhaler. Okay, I actually do have a pair of rhinestone earrings I was going to give to the chorus teacher.

Jason: Oh! Ah-ha! I say, move the hair and see if the ear has the hole.

Josh: Okay. [moves her hair and looks for hole] Two. We’ve got a firecracker on hour hands.

Krissy: Everything okay with your doctor?

Josh: Yes, please hold. [on the phone] Jason, what’s next?

Jason: Okay, what is she doing?

Josh: Now she is looking at her gecko. Should I tell her plant life in the tank is not ideal?

Jason: Do you feel the gecko is in danger?

Josh: Not in danger but–

Jason: Well, then leave it well enough alone, my friend. There will be time for that down the road.

Josh: Good. Back to romance then I suppose.

Jason: Okay. Well, we want to keep her in the driver’s seat. Let your hand hover slightly over her. If she likes it, she ought to lift her hand to your’s.

Josh: Interesting. [Josh puts his hand raised over Krissy’s hand. Krissy holds his hand.] [on the phone] I have contact. She’s holding my hand.

Jason: Who is?

Josh: The girl.

Jason: Okay, so I’m out of my depth.

Josh: Jason. Jason. I need you to dig deep, please.

Jason: Okay. The time is right. Put your nose near her face and breathe.

[Josh moves close to Krissy and leans towards Krissy. Krissy looks at him and leans towards him too.]

Josh: It’s happening. Jason, she’s becoming in love with me. I can see it in her eyes.

Jason: Congratulations, old chap. Couldn’t have happened to a better man.

Josh: Jason, my life is changing. I must admit, I am afraid of losing you, Jason.

Jason: Neigh, my good man. We will always have each other.

Krissy: Can we kiss now?

Josh: Yes, we can. Jason, I will see you on the other side. [throws away the phone]

Jason: I dough doth cap!

Star Trek Spinoff

Captain… Beck Bennett

Corporal… Kate McKinnon

Ego Nwodim

Alex Moffat

Bowen Yang

McKenna… Carey Mulligan

Zachary… Mikey Day

Chloe Fineman

[Starts with intro]

Male voice: You’re watching Paramount+, we thought of the plusing before Disney. We now return to the Startrek prequel: Starcharter Andromeda.

[Cut to the ship]

Captain: What’s the situation, corporal?

Corporal: It’s not good, sir. Solar flair scrambled the ship’s computers. All proportion and guidance systems have gone dark.

Ego: The ship is dead and we’re headed towards the Medusa blackhole.

Alex: If we cross it’s even horizon, there’s no escape.

Captain: How do we fix this?

Bowen: We’ve tried everything. Nothing seems to work.

Captain: There’s got to be a way. Does anyone have an idea?

McKenna: Hi. I know I’m just a Consol Lout, but maybe we can try unplugging it and plugging it back in?

Corporal: What? Are you serious? This is ridiculous.

McKenna: [being emotional] I’m sorry I’m such a big dumb idiot. [storms outside]

Zachary: McKenna, wait! [yelling] I cannot believe you just did that.

Captain: Who are they and what was that?

Bowen: I don’t know who they are but I always see them in the hallway having intense conversations in hush tones.

Alex: Yes. And according to the crew log, captain, they just graduated from a small expensive Star Fleet Academy.

Ego: You know, my gut tells me they’re just rich white kids who for the first time are experiencing a world that doesn’t revolve around them.

Corporal: Alright. Well, we’ve got bigger problems.

[McKenna and Zachary walk back]

McKenna: Yeah. You’re right. Thank you, Zachary.

Zachary: I mean, they’re toxic. This whole place is literally toxic.

Captain: The anti-matter accelerator. We could route it’s power to propulsion systems.

Alex: The risk of overload is very high, captain. That is a very dangerous option.

Bowen: But it just might work.

Zachary: Um, excuse me?

McKenna: Zachary, don’t!

Zachary: No, they were wrong. McKenna is too polite and awesome and too beautiful to say it, so I will. I think you owe her an apology.

Corporal: I don’t owe her a thing. We’re dealing with a life and death emergency.

McKenna: [shocked] Stop gaslighting me. [storms out]

Zachary: McKenna, stop!

Corporal: What’s going on with your friend?

Zachary: McKenna is dealing with a lot right now, you have no idea.

Corporal: A lot? Is it worse than drifting into a blackhole?

Zachary: Yes. Her parents might be selling her childhood home.

Ego: Might be?

[Chloe runs in]

Chloe: Zachary, McKenna is threatening to jump out into space.

Zachary: No! No, McKenna! Move! [storms out]

Captain: Should someone check on her?

Bowen: No. She threatens to jump out into space everyday. It’s fine.

Ego: Captain, if we’re going to power up the inter-matter accelerator, we need to do it now.

Alex: Think carefully, captain. The lives of every soul on board are at stake.

[McKenna and Zachary walk in]

McKenna: I would like to speak my truth to you.

Corporal: Not now.

Zachary: Yes! Yes, now. Go ahead, McKenna.

McKenna: I will not let you take my power away. My name is McKenna McLord Davies and my voice has value.

Zachary: [pointing at Corporal] My best friend’s voice has value.

Corporal: [pushing Zachary’s hand away] Get your finger out of my face.

Zachary: Oh my god, let go of me. You’re hurting me.

McKenna: Stop killing him.

Chloe: [recording through phone] You’re on videotape, ma’am. Stop assaulting my friend.]

Corporal: I’m not. When a commanding officer asks you to do something, you do it. You understand?

Zachary: My arm. She broke my arm.

McKenna: You broke his arm.

Captain: Everyone, quiet! Look, we’re now approaching a blackhole. We’re already inside it.

Zachary: Sir, she broke my arm. I need the rest of the day off.

Captain: Put these guys in the airlock now!

[They throw three of them out in the space.]

Minnesota News Cold Open

Kenan Thompson

Ego Nwodim

Kate McKinnon

Craig… Alex Moffat

Calvin… Chris Redd

[Starts with “Eye On Minnesota” intro] [cheers and applause] [Cut to the set. There are four hosts. Kenan and Ego are black, Kate and Craig are white.]

Kenan: Good afternoon and welcome to KDBD mid-day news, “Eye One Minnesota”.

Ego: It’s been a tough week for news. There’s so much to get into. But first, we start with the trial of Derek Chauvin.

Kate: Yes. I just want to say this has been highly emotional for everybody, I’m sure.

Ego: Definitely. I mean, watching this trial brought back so many bad feelings from last summer.

Kenan: I know. I felt myself getting angry all over again.

Craig: Absolutely.

Kate: Well, I thought the prosecution did an excellent job questioning the medical examiner.

Ego: He sure did.

Kenan: Yup.

Craig: But the video footage alone should tell you everything you need to know about what happened.

Kenan: Kenan00%

Ego: No doubt about it.

Craig: Okay. And hopefully, justice will be served.

Kenan: That’d be nice.

Kate: Sounds like we all agree. There’s no way Derek Chauvin walks away from this.

Kenan: Well…

Ego: I’m not going to say that.

Craig: Wait a second. You guys aren’t buying into Chauvin’s defense, are you?

Kenan: Of course, not.

Ego: I mean, the defense trying to make a case that George Floyd’s drug use was somehow responsible is just deplorable.

Kenan: It was a clear act of desperation to create doubt where there is none.

Kate: Exactly. And there’s no way that juries are going to fall for that.

Kenan: I’m not saying that.

Craig: Well, wait. So, what are you guys trying to say?

Kenan: Look, y’all seem like good people.

Ego: Let’s just say we’ve seen this movie before.

Kenan: Boom.

Kate: You know what? That’s fair. I think skepticism of the legal process is valid.

Kenan: Yes.

Ego: That’s all we’re saying.

Kate: Yes. Historically, police have gotten away in other cases like this.

Kenan: Historically?

Ego: She means every single time.

Kenan: Oh. That.

Kate: But after all the protests that happened last summer, there’s no way this doesn’t go the way we hope.

Kenan: She means well. She means well.

Ego: I don’t know what she is talking about.

Craig: Okay, hang on. You guys are going to at least admit this country has made a lot of progress recently, yes?

Kenan: For who?

Ego: When?

Kate: Maybe don’t go there?

Craig: Okay.

Kenan: No, no, no. Please. Go there, Craig.

Ego: Yes. I do want to hear what Craig Jorgensen has to say about the black experience.

Craig: Okay. Look, I want to choose my words carefully here. So, to quote Thomas Jefferson–

Kenan: Uh-uh!

Ego: Did he just say Thomas Jefferson?

Kenan: That’s a bad start.

Kate: Let’s get another opinion on this.

Craig: Yes. Let’s ask our weather man, Calvin.

Kenan: [yelling] Yes, let’s ask Calvin.

Craig: Calvin.

[Calvin is also black]

Calvin: Man, don’t put me into this mess. I’m still in hot water for being in that Paul Pierce video.

Kate: No, this is important. We want to hear from you.

Calvin: Look, I don’t want to get fired. But obviously it’s an opening shut case.

Craig: Thank you.

Kate: That’s what we were saying.

Craig: Yes.

Calvin: That being said, he’s a white cop in Minnesota, so I’m against probation with pay, tops.

Kenan: You feel me? You feel me?

Ego: Yes, that part. that part.

Kate: Fine. Maybe you’re right, but for the sake of our city, I hope justice is finally served.

Kenan: Agreed.

Ego: I’m with you there.

Craig: Yes. Absolutely.

Kenan: The last thing we want is another riot.

Ego: Amed to that.

Craig: And I think we can all agree that no matter how bad things are, destroying property is never the answer.

Kenan: What?

Ego: I wouldn’t say never.

Kenan: I mean, it’s just property.

Ego: There’s insurance.

Craig: Sorry, but it’s not just property. I mean, I just think protest should be non-violent.

Kenan: Well, thank you for that little note, Craig.

Ego: Yes. We’ll be sure to tell the others, Craig Matthew Jorgensen.

Craig: Okay, that’s not fair.

Ego: Okay. This is getting a little heated. Maybe we should move on.

Kate: I think this is a good dialog.

Craig: I hear it. Yes. This is how we reach in understanding. And you know, at least we agree on the obvious stuff.

Ego: Like there is glaring discrepancy in the way black people are treated by police?

Kate: Of course.

Craig: Can’t deny that.

Kenan: And we need concrete solutions to fix this problem.

Craig: No argument there.

Kate: I’ve been saying this all along.

Ego: Okay. And we start with reparation.

Craig: Now wait, just a minute.

Kate: Interesting.

Kenan: Oh, that was a good try.

Ego: I thought I had them.

Kenan: You know what? Let’s just go to the weather report. Calvin.

Calvin: Sure, man. We’re in Minnesota. So, rest of April, cold. May, cold. June, cold. July, somehow hot as hell. Back to you y’all.

Craig: Thanks, Calvin. Thanks, pal. Okay, so what else is on the news, Joanne?

Kate: Well, more sad news this week. Unfortunately, we lost royalty yesterday.

Kenan: Oh, I’m glad you brought this up.

Ego: The rapper DMX died.

Kate: I’m sorry. I was talking about the prince.

Kenan: The Prince?

Ego: Girl, Prince been dead.

Craig: Sorry, she means prince Phillip of England.

Kenan: Megan Markle’s boyfriend?

Kate: He was married to Queen Elizabeth.

Ego: I don’t know who that is.

Kenan: Yeah, he the king. Is it a king?

Ego: I don’t know.

Kate: There’s got to be one news story we can all agree on?

Craig: What about Matt Gaetz?

Kate: Ah!

All: Awful guy!

Kenan: Nasty as hell.

Calvin: But when you think about it, 17 isn’t that young.

Kenan: No. No, man. See, that’s why you in trouble. That’s why you in trouble, Calvin.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Lesbian Period Drama

Doctor… Alex Moffatt

Husband… Beck Bennett

Carey Mulligan

Heidi Gardner

Rex… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a man bringing his wife to a doctor. It looks like an ancient village.]

Doctor: Come in, sir.

Husband: Thank you, doctor. It’s my wife.

Doctor: What’s wrong with her?

Husband: She is a bummer.

Female voice: In the 19th century dark, cold, seaside town comes the story of an unlikely connection.

[the doctor uses stethoscope on the wife]

Doctor: She’s medically upset.

Husband: What can we do, doctor?

Doctor: She needs seagull sound, gray hair and long rocky walks.

Husband: I’ll see you in two months.

Carey: You’re leaving me?

Husband: Yes. With her. [there’s a lady there]

Heidi: I’m your female companion.

Female voice: From the makers of “Portrait of a lady on fire”  and “Ammonite”, comes a new award-winning film, “Lesbian Period Drama”. Another film that isn’t afraid to ask – will these lesbians be lesbians together?

[Carey and Heidi walk pass by both holding candles in their hands]

Carey: Hello.

Heidi: Hello.

Carey: Hello.

Female voice: Starring two straight actresses who dared not to wear make up. Twelve lines of dialog. Two and half hour run time.

[Carey and Heidi are walking on the sea shore]

Heidi: Put the rocks in the basket. Grey ones are best.

Carey: I’m scared of water.

Heidi: This is why I pick rocks alone.

Female voice: Featuring Academy Award-winning glance choreography, and best supporting actress nominee, The Wind. And the one actual lesbian actress as stone cold ex.

Rex: [to Carey] Hey, I’m Rex. Nice to meet you. Excuse me. Oh, yes. We were together for two years. The sex was so bad, we broke up, even though there’s not another lesbian for five full countries.

Female voice: “Sure”, says Lesbian Monthly, “I mean, I’m gonna see it.”

Rex: Let me guess. She took you to pick up rocks? Guess where she learned that one?

Heidi: That will be enough.

Female voice: Witness the world’s saddest flirting.

[Carey and Heidi are laying on the bed facing each other]

Carey: My mother and father died before I was born.

Heidi: Mine too.

Female voice: And watch heated anticipation as they round all the bases, like grazing fingers, washing carrots and fast aggressive this. Sinnerview says, “I saw their nude backs which made me the fronts, which is where the boobs are.” And of course, there’s a drawing scene.

Heidi: May I draw you?

Carey: Yes. May I draw you?

Heidi: Yes.

Rex: And may I draw you drawing her?

Both: Yes.

Female voice: Two hours of excruciating tension, all building up to a sex scene so graphic, you’ll think, “Oh, right. A man directed this.”

Rex: Hey, gals. It’s 1840. That’s been invented yet. You’re going to crack the head board.

Female voice: Lesbian Period Drama. You get one a year. Make the most of it.

Weekend Update- Smokery Farm’s Easter Meats

Colin Jost

Vaneta… Kate McKinnon

Wylene… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: Tomorrow is Easter Sunday and millions of Americans will celebrate with traditional Easter meal. But it can be hard to adapt those recipes for vegetarians. Here with their tips are the owners of Smokery Farms meat delivery service, Wilene and Vaneta Starkie.

[Vaneta and Wylene slide in] [cheers and applause]

Hi, ladies. Welcome.

Wylene: Now, Colin, we know Easter’s for people who have sworn off meat.

Vaneta: Yes. Some folks think it’s too sad to eat animals because they see heartwarming videos like, “Girl learns math from smart goat.”

Wylene: Yeah. Or, “Smart pig knits sweater for cold goose.”

Vaneta: You know, every time duck takes a nap at the foot of a toddler’s bed, we lose a customer.

Wylene: Yeah. But instead of going vegan, you should buy your meat from us. Because we only serve meat from animals that genuinely deserve to be killed.

Vaneta: That’s right. Our grade A Eater meats come from creatures who are individually certified as the meanest, nastiest, freaky-dicky, most ruthless jerks in the barn yard.

Wylene: Here. We can show you.

[they pull out a bucket of meat]

Vaneta: Oh, yes. Like that.

Wylene: Oh my god! Keeping nice and high. I love this. I love this and I want to eat this. Of course. What a gorgeous stinky bounty.

Vaneta: My mouth is watering. My eyes are watering.

Wylene: I’ll tell you what. I’m about to eat this sashimi style. And the front row [pointing at the audience] looks pretty hungry for this too. They’re horny for a bite. Now look, Some pigs are emotionally intelligent enough to cry real tears. But not this one. This spiral ham comes from a little creep who bites fingers and shoves kids hard and far. So, feel no guilt when you slice this ass and feed them to your grandma.

Vaneta: Now, nothing more innocent than a sweet and tender lamb, right? Wrong. This lamb went to a plantation wedding a week ago and then she posted a bunch of photos and was like, “What? It’s just history.” So, go ahead and smear it’s ignorant legs with mint jelly.

Wylene: Now, female hams are naturally very sweet. Well, these eggs came from a ham who contributed to a toxic work environment.

Vaneta: She’s always hanging out with the roosters talking about how hens are crazy.

Wylene: Umm-umm. Okay, now. Maybe you’re thinking about the blood of Christ. Well, how about the blood of Chris, okay? An extremely rude steer. I mean, maybe you drink this or something. It’s an extremely rude steer who takes videos of fat, poorly dressed old people and send them to the group chat like, “Ha-ha.”

Vaneta: Now, this can sound fake but I swear to god, this here veal yanks on the subway.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry but I’m having a hard time believing these stories.

Wylene: You’re ham-free, Colin?

Colin Jost: I don’t know about that.

Wylene: You wanna put your hands on it?

Vaneta: You wanna touch that raw meat?

[Vaneta pushes the bucket towards Colin] [Wylene holds Colin’s hand and puts his hand on the meat]

Wylene: Go ahead. Let me help you. Put your hand on that sweet ham.

Vaneta: He did it.

Wylene: The basket’s wet too, baby.

Vaneta: Really wet under here.

Wylene: He’s a little nervous because his boss was watching, but he did it.

Colin Jost: Vaneta and Wylene, everyone.

Vaneta and Wylene: Happy Easter.