Womens Theater

Molly… Melissa Villaseñor

Mikey Day

Curtis… Andrew Dismukes

Regina King

Kate McKinnon

Aidy Bryant

[Starts with Molly giving her presentation in school]

Molly: And with that extra floor, we can have extra classrooms and another gym.

Mikey: Okay, thank you Molly for that presentation on why our school should be taller. We’ll definitely think about it. Alright, we have one final performance in our assembly here today. Now sadly, the magician that was going to tech you about the dangers of J Walking couldn’t make it.

Curtis: No!

Mikey: I know, but we’re very lucky that an amazing backup was available instead. They are a feminist theater ensemble that performas feminist monologues at 11 PM at an underground book store that serves moscato. I wouldn’t take you to that show, but I invited them to do an age appropriate version for you guys and we are thrilled. So, without further due, Fembox.

[Fembox walk in. They are three.]

Regina: Hot and wet, my source of life
Soft place to land for his member
my elbow blossom
hairy and magical
touching my elbow at night
playing, learning
my elbow is my own
I only have one elbow

Molly: She only has one elbow?

Mikey: Oh god!

Kate: What’s with kids these days? Waxing their elbows?
In my day, we didn’t even know what an elbow was till our wedding night
and then you felt, “Wow, that thing’s got a mind of it’s own

Chris: Hah?

Curtis: They’re talking about their elbows but they’re pointing to their laps.

Aidy: Ay, tough girls got elbows too, okay?
Mine’s like a chevy bel air
it’s got a glaze on it like a creme donut
smells like WD-40
and you know what? You know who loved it?
every man I ever met

Heidi: [to Mikey] I thought you said they could change their material.

Mikey: I guess they changed it as little as humanly possible.

Regina: Our elbows, they birth our babies, they please our men, they gush the blood of life
Curtis: Do they?

Regina: Secret powers between my thighs,
my charisma, my juice, my joy, my fruit,
my secret South Carolina, my beautiful elbow

Chris: That ain’t even rhyme. These old ladies are messed up.

Kate: For the longest time, I was afraid to look at my elbow in the mirror
the other day, I decided to do it, just off the cobwebs
I thought, “Wow, this thing’s huge. And you know what? It ain’t half bad.”

Molly: My mom has big elbows too.

Heidi: That’s great, Molly.

Aidy: 1978, once I find my elbow, I was rubbing it against everything.
The bus, the sofa, air conditioners and every pillow in Poughkeepsie. Hey, hey, hey.

Mikey: Oh my god, they’re not even trying.

Curtis: Do I have a bad elbow?

Heidi: Yeah, I’m not sure this applies to you, Curtis.

Curtis: Yeah, I’m kidding. I figured out what they’re talking about.

Regina: Why do we come up with other names just to avoid saying ‘Elbow’?
Gash, critter, slit, see you next Tuesday

Heidi: That’s so much worse.

Curtis: [giggling] Critter.

Heidi: We’re not going to pay them, right?

Mikey: No, they didn’t ask for our money. Just to use our library. None of them have printers.

Kate: I love my elbow just the way god gave it to me.

Heidi: That’s actually a pretty good message.

Kate: I told my husband, “Look, this is the elbow you married, this is the elbow you’re going to get. And it’s not like you’re going to win any prizes for your four inch flaccid dong.

Heidi: Yeah, never mind.

Mikey: It’s fine. The parents actually had no problem with the penis content.

Aidy: Everybody in this room, you either have an elbow or you came from an elbow.

Regina: Whether your’s is big or small.

Kate: A grilled cheese or a sloppy Joanne.

Aidy: It’s about confidence.

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Confidence.

Aidy: Coz when you love yourself…

Regina: That’s right.

Aidy: You’re going to be surrounded by love.

Kate: You sure are.

Aidy: You are going to have love…

Regina, Kate and Aidy: Up to your vaginas.

[Mikey runs in]

Mikey: Okay. We are done. Sorry, guys. That was not appropriate at all.

Chris: That was actually pretty empowering.

Students: [cheering] Elbows! Elbows! Elbows!

Weekend Update Stephanie Green on Conspiracy Theories

Colin Jost

Stephanie Greene… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set]

Colin Jost: Despite Joe Biden’s inauguration, millions of people still believe in the QAnon conspiracy theory. Here to help explain it is a member of QAnon. Please welcome, Stephanie Greene.

[Stephanie Greene slides in. She is a witch.]

Stephanie Greene: Hello. Very good to be here together.

Colin Jost: Yes. Well, thank you for being here, Stephanie. You said you’re a single gal from Ohio?

Stephanie Greene: Yes, that’s right. Normal gal. I work in an office for business. Coffee, pencils, the whole line.

Colin Jost: Uh-huh. And you’re a member of QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Oh, big time. Yes. Q all the way.

Colin Jost: And what is QAnon all about.

Stephanie Greene: Okay, listen. Have you heard this? QAnon says there is an underground ring of very bad people. They gather to undermine Trump and to steal elections and to eat children. I hear that and I’m like, “Wow, where?”

Colin Jost: Yeah. Well, it’s a very disturbing theory. So, what do you do with QAnon?

Stephanie Greene: Yes. We try to get to the bottom of things. This underground cabal, what’s the deal? Who is part of it? How do you get an invite? Is it reservations or is it open table? Are there enough? Are there enough children to go round? Do you eat them on sight or do you take them home? Are they dipping sauces so much? So much to uncover.

Colin Jost: Right, yeah. It sounds like you’re pretty focused on the eating children part of QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Oh, it’s terrible. Yeah. I gotta get down there to stop them. I will grab those children right out of their mouths and take them to my house. My house is made of candy. And then I’ll eat them. I men I kill them. How am I doing?

Colin Jost: Ha-ha-ha. Not great. I’m getting the feeling that you don’t want to help children.

Stephanie Greene: No. I love children. All kinds. Girls, boys, barbecue, sour cream and onion, cool ranch.

Colin Jost: Yeah, I think you want to eat them. Like maybe, that you’re only on the QAnon to find out where that’s happening.

Stephanie Greene: Why? Do you know? You’re a Hollywood elite, yes? Is there an email list? Wink for yes.

Colin Jost: I’ve just never heard of that. I’m not sure you’re actually going to find children to eat with QAnon.

Stephanie Greene: Okay. I’m kind of glad you said that. Because I’m starting to get worried it isn’t real. The things, they keep not happening. I guess I’m starting to feel like maybe the whole thing is little bit coo-coo-bana. You know?

Colin Jost: Yeah. I think you might be right.

Stephanie Greene: Yes. Look, can I make a confession? This is going to come out of left field. I am a witch.

Colin Jost: No. Yeah, that has been clear this whole time.

Stephanie Greene: My name is Grismelda. I live in a candy house in New Hampshire. I roast and eat whole children. But Colin, these people– These people are weird. They think celebrities eat babies so their skin can look younger. That ain’t what it does, queens. [pointing at her face]

Colin Jost: I think you look great.

Grismelda: Oh. This whole thing has been such a waste of time, Colin. The other day, I Skyped with a guy named Robert Lee-E, who told me that Jessica Chastein is the devil and then he showed me his penis. He thinks Hunter Biden is a laptop. His daughters were crying in the background. It was so sad.

Colin Jost: Well, I’m very sorry I have to break it to you Grismelda, but QAnon isn’t real. None of it.

Grismelda: [sigh] I knew it. Well, at least I can get the vaccine now. I’m 400 years old. So…

Colin Jost: 400?

Grismelda: Yes. I guess I’ll go back to being a witch. It’s hard because the children, they don’t eat candy anymore. No, no. I tried to build the house out of beyond beef, and it fell and the wolves came. I don’t know what the kids eat now. What do they eat? I don’t know.

Colin Jost: I’m sorry. I have to ask. What do you eat when you can’t eat children?

Grismelda: Oh, dogs.

Colin Jost: Oh, common!

Grismelda: No, I’m kidding. Chipotle. I’m not a monster.

Colin Jost: Grismelda, everyone.

Second Impeachment Trial Cold Open

Tucker Carlson… Alex Moffat

Lindsey Graham… Kate McKinnon

Ted Cruz… Aidy Bryant

Bruce Castor… Mikey Day

Michael Van Der Veen… Pete Davidson

Mitch McConnell… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Tucker Carlson Tonight show intro] [Cut to Tucker Carlson in his set] [cheers and applause]

Tucker Carlson: Good evening. Welcome to Tucker Carlson Tonight. I’m your host and human white claw, Tucker Carlson. There’s a lot to cover tonight including impeachment. So, in place of my usual monologue, here’s a loose collection of scaremongering non sequiturs.

Is AOC hiding in your house right now? Wouldn’t put it past her.

Pronounce for dogs? Come on! Everybody knows they’re boys.

Pixar, is it making our kids depressed or gay? Pick one!

Well, the impeachment has reached it’s foregoing conclusion with the requital of Donald J. Trump. And tonight’s first guest is a power player in those hearings, please welcome 65 year old teacher’s pet, senator Lindsey Graham.

Lindsey Graham: Thank you, Tucker. It’s a great day for 30% of America and tonight, we party.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. Well Lindsey, you’re obviously very happy bout the verdict.

Lindsey Graham: Look Tucker, this trial was offensive and absurd, like a freaking episode of Rick and Morty. Excuse my foul language. But we all agree of the attack at the Capitol was a horrible thing but just because the rioters were yelling “Fight for Trump” doesn’t mean they meant Donald Trump. Could have been some real Tiffany heads. Maybe even some Eric-stans. I don’t know. But regardless, the trial is over and now we can move pass this and focus on the serious issues as locking up Hillary and freeing beautiful Britney Spears.

Tucker Carlson: That’s a great point, Lindsey. It really makes me want to contort my face like I’m thinking.

Lindsey Graham: I just don’t understand why everyone insists on taking Donald Trump down. He is smart. He is nice. He’s in shape. Last fall, he died of covid and didn’t even tell nobody. And now, everybody’s saying he attempted a coo. He didn’t attempt a coo. He is coo. He’s the coo-lest guy I know.

Tucker Carlson: Yeah. Maybe the coo-est guy ever?

Lindsey Graham: Look, the important thing is the good guys won again and we couldn’t have done it without this bastard, Get in here, Ted Cruz.

Tucker Carlson: Wow, senator Cruz. Welcome to the show.

Ted Cruz: Well thanks, Tucker. [There’s a label below Aidy Bryant that says – Sen. Ted Cruz – Trump said “Wife Ugly”] Wait, whats does it say below me? Oh yeah, that’s what Trump said about my wife. I think she is beautiful but since Trump is the boss, sorry honey, you’re busted.

Tucker Carlson: Just in time for valentine’s day. And can I say, the beard is working.

Ted Cruz: Well, you’d be the first.

Tucker Carlson: Now, Mr. Trump’s defense team got off to a pretty rough start earlier in the week. Can you tell me how you pull this out? And while you talk, I’m going to have a look on my face like a baby like he’s seeing his first balloon.

Ted Cruz: Well, thanks for the question. Like any impartial juror, we took it upon ourselves to meet with the defense lawyers, to give them some very simple legal advice. “Stop and don’t”.

Lindsey Graham: But overall, Ted and I are proud of Trump’s lawyers who are both partners at the law firm of Salino and Yaks.

Ted Cruz: Damn right. Thanks, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Thank you, gentlemen. While we’re on the subject of the Trump defense team, let’s take another look at some of the arguments from earlier.

[Cut to Bruce Castor]

Bruce Castor: Hello, senate and other serious people. I want to apologize for being unprepared last time. I was out here wife-butt-decaf. But I’ll promise I’ll make it up to you now. As you all know, I am the lead prosecutor. Nope, sorry. I’m the council. I know of the difference. But as Trump’s meaning– Nope, not right either. Bride’s maid– Nope, sorry. I need a second. Let’s hear it from the prosecution. Wowser, am I right? You all rule. Crushed it. Well, that’s my time.

[Bruce Castor storms out and Michael Van Der Veen walks in]

Michael Van Der Veen: Alright. I’ll take it from here. My name is Mr. Van Der Veen. That’s Dutch for “Man of the penis”. So, I’ve heard it all. First off, let me say that I do not want to be here. I am not like you. I’m not from Warshington. I’m a Philly boy. And I said that uver and uver (over and over). And this is the wort thing that’s been in the senate chamber in the history of a couple of weeks. Too many crickets. And now the house wants to bring up witnesses over Zoom? Zoom? I can’t afford to Zoom. You think I’m getting paid for this? And this is supposed to be on my last day. I already bought a non-refundable train ticket back home to Phillyvania Pennsyldelphia. But if they insist on witnesses, I’m going to call some of my own. Like, vice-president Kalua Harris, Anya Presly and Elon Omana. Now, did I mispronounce the names of all these women of color on purpose or out of ignorance? You’ll never know. But if you think Donald Trump saying the word ‘fight’ is a crime, I invite you to look at this tape. [cut to video clips of many political personalities and movie dialogs saying ‘fight’] Well said, Jar-Jar, me-so-rest my case.

Tucker Carlson: We now go to our final guest tonight. Senate majority leader, Mitch McConnell.

Mitch McConnell: Hello, Tucker.

Tucker Carlson: Now, senator McConnell, why did you vote to acquit Donald Trump?

Mitch McConnell: Because everyone knows you cannot impeach a former president. That’s why we should have impeached him before back when I said we could.

Tucker Carlson: Well, that logic pretzels out but what do you really think of Trump?

Mitch McConnell: I think he’s guilty as hell and the worst president I ever met and I hope every city, county and state locks his ass up. Oh, god. That felt good. I’ve been holding that inside my neck for four years. I got cracker crumbs in here.

Tucker Carlson: Wow. So, what’s next?

Mitch McConnell: I don’t know about my colleagues, but I plan to reach my hand across the isle and then yank it back and slide across my hair and say, “Too slow.”

Tucker Carlson: That’s beautiful. Thanks for coming, senator. We will be back right after this ad for senior emergency buttons, but first, live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Wedding Friends

Priest… Alex Moffat

Mother… Punkie Johnson

Dan Levy

Kate McKinnon

Carey… Ego Nwodim.

Mark… Mikey Day

[Starts with a couple getting their wedding ceremony done.]

Priest: With a solid foundation, you’ve decided to take the oath of marriage. Mark, Carrey, let us celebrate your joys. You begin your lives together. Now, for the family blessing, who gives this bride today?

Mother: [sobbing with happiness] I do.

Priest: Wonderful. If anyone has cause to object to the forming of this union or forever hold your peace.

[Dan and Kate stand]

Dan: Carey!

Kate: Carey!

Dan: Carey, we just wanted to take this opportunity to say you’re amazing.

Kate: Um-hmm. Carey, you’re such a rockstar.

Dan: And that’s it.

Carey: Wait, wait. I’m sorry. What?

Mark: Yeah. What was that?

Dan: Oh my god.

Kate: Oh, I’m sorry. Nothing.

Dan: We just wanted to make sure you knew right now that you are one of the best people.

Kate: Yep. And you deserve also the best.

Carey: Okay. Is this an objection?

Dan and Kate: No. No.

Dan: Nothing about him.

Kate: No.

Dan: Just sort of like, Mark is great. And he’s great.

Kate: Um-hmm. It’s just like– Well, Mark wise, it’s sort of like– No, he’s good. He’s good.

Mark: Mark wise what?

Carey: Yeah. I’m really not sure what you’re saying.

[Dan and Kate looking at each other]

Dan: What are we saying?

Kate: Yeah. What are we saying? We just wanted to ask I guess if there was anything that you wanted to talk to us about.

Dan: Yeah. Are you good?

Carey: Yeah. This is my wedding.

Dan: Okay.

Kate: Go.

Dan: Lock it down.

Kate: Yeah, you better get that.

Carey: Okay. Thank you guys.

Kate: And a random question.

Dan: So random.

Kate: Does your– Does your mom like him?

Carey: What? I mean, I think so. I mean, she’s right there.

Mother: Umm, young woman’s wedding day, it’s all about her and her thoughts and not what her mother doesn’t like.

Carey: Mom, come on.

Mark: I’m sorry. Do I suck somehow?

Carey: Okay. You know, whatever this is, why are you all just bringing it up now?

Dan: You know what? You’re right. We should have done this last night but we got like, really, really scary drunk at the rehearsal dinner.

Kate: When I don’t drink wine, I drink faster.

Mark: Yeah. You guys shoved my dad.

Carey: Okay. Let’s just get this over with. Do you not like Mark?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think that I should be with someone different?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] No.

Carey: Do you think I’m settling?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Am I making the biggest mistake of my life?

Dan and Kate: [squeaky voice] Y– No.

Carey: Okay. Well, I’m gonna get married now.

Dan: Thank god!

Carey: So, we’re gonna do the vows.

Dan: Begging for it.

Priest: Wonderful. Mark and Carey have decided to write their own vows. Mark, would you like to start?

Mark: Yes. Carey, first watched F.R.I.E.N.D.S. together.

[texting sound]

Carey: [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, I know you are texting each other about this and I know you know how to turn that sound off.

Dan: Oh, so sorry.

Kate: Sorry, we’re good.

Mark: I knew you were my lobster. [texting sound] You’re my person. [texting sound] As my personal hero, Meredyth Grey says– [texting sound] [looking at Dan and Kate] Okay, that’s really loud.

Dan: [whispering to Kate] Meredyth, Grey’s Anatomy’s fan? What a regret.

Kate: No. I just sent that to you.

Mark: Okay, guys. Stop. Okay, look, I know you don’t like me. Carey is amazing and yes, she’s probably too good for me. But at least I tell her how I feel and I say what I mean. And maybe that’s what she likes about me. You guys talk in mean little riddles.

Dan: Okay. Rail me, daddy.

Kate: Okay. I’m actually now fully horny and I’m going to try to cheat on you with me. Okay?

Mark: I don’t care what you two think.

Dan and Kate: [blushing] Mark!

Dan: Mark is hot.

Kate: Mark is hot. Oh my god.

Dan: Congratulations you guys. We love this now.

Kate: Yay!

Super Bowl Pod

Heidi Gardner

Shel… Kyle Mooney

Brandon… Dan Levy

Dale… Beck Bennett

Chris Redd

Anthony Fauci… Kate McKinnon

PSY… Bowen Yang

[Starts with five friends getting ready to watch football in home. They’re all wearing masks.]

Heidi: It’s so good to see everyone.

Shel: I can’t believe we’re having a Super Bowl party.

Brandon: I know. Is this okay? Like, should we be doing this?

Dale: Well, I’ve been super safe.

Chris: Same here.

Shel: Me too.

Dale: So then, masks off?

[they all take their masks off]

Brandon: God, I feel so free.

Shel: We’ve all been so good. We deserve this.

Dale: Totally. We have. And full disclosure, not a big deal, Angie and I went to PF chains for her birthday. We ate outdoors. Relax.

Shel: That’s cool.

Brandon: You’re fine.

Chris: Man, I’ve been crazy with this covid stuff. I haven’t left my house at all. I mean, I have been to the grocery store and the laundromat.

Brandon: Yeah, of course. Food, clothes.

Chris: And obviously I’m still doing my wrestling club, so…

Dale: Yeah. But that’s just a group of what? 20-30 really nice guys?

Shel: Wrestling a few nights guys, dude, you’re good.

Heidi: Yeah. I mean, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Exactly. I haven’t hung out with anyone outside of my pod in almost a year.

Brandon: Oh my gosh, I feel you. I’m on quarantine burnout.

Dale: Yeah. It’s just me, my wife, my brother… his wife, obviously their neighbor, his brother, my grandparents and their nursing home. Oh, and I go into work.

Brandon: Sorry. What is it that you do again?

Dale: I’m a mouth masseuse. I massage mouths.

Shel: Oh, that’s fine. I mean, you’re not kissing them, right?

Dale: Just hello and goodbye. And sometimes while I massage them.

Brandon: Yeah, but that’s work. We are doing everything right.

Heidi: Yeah. I don’t understand how people are still getting sick.

Chris: Well see, the problem is they’re going out and doing normal activities like seeing friends and stuff.

All: So stupid.

Brandon: So disgusting. What about you, Shel? Single guy over there? You look lonely and depressed.

Shel: Absolutely. Of course, now it’s all about zoom dating. For me, it’s just too awkward. So, I’ve been having raw dog sex with the strangers in the park.

Heidi: Outside with air, you’re fine.

Brandon: Yeah. For me, it’s just been Netflix, Netflix and more Netflix.

Chris: What have you been watching?

Brandon: Oh, no. For meetings, I’m flying all over LA, London, Brazil.

Shel: Well, you got the vaccine, didn’t you?

Brandon: Oh, yeah. Actually, I’ve got it. I’ve got it right here. [showing the vaccine in it’s small container]

Heidi: Are you gonna take it?

Brandon: Yeah. I mean, I take it everywhere I go.

Shel: Great thinking, Brandon.

Chris: Hey, we’re doing everything right.

Dale: Who’s hungry for my famous chilly? [everybody get excited] Because of covid, I don’t want to share utensils.

Brandon: Totally. Let’s be smart. Actually, I have some– Let’s just do this.

[Brandon sprays sanitizer on everyone’s hands. Then they all start eating with their hands sharing the food bowl.]

Heidi: Oh, look who became a chef. Yeah. I went viral on TikTok.

Chris: What? For dancing?

Heidi: No. For fit non-pudding.

Dale: Oh, TikTok. All the little videos.

Heidi: Dale. Did you spice this chilly?

Dale: Yeah, of course. It’s my famous chilly.

Heidi: Because I can’t really taste it.

Brandon: I can’t really smell it either.

Chris: Do you guys think that–

Shel: No. Dude, we’ve been doing everything right.

Heidi: We need a hug.

All: Yeah.

Dale: Hey, remember hug?

[they all hug each other.] [the lights turn dark. Anthony Fauci walks in front of them at the spot light.]

Anthony Fauci: Hi, I’m Dr. Fauci. Right now you’re probably feeling like most Americans. Bored, horny and borderline nuts. I know I am. But what you just saw is the wrong way to Super Bowl. That’s why I partnered with Cheetos and durex condoms to remind you to Super Bowl responsibly. At home, in a mask, lights off, no friends.  #ThisIsHowWeSuperBowl. [PSY walks in] And to help spread my messages, my good friend Kpop superstar PSY.

PSY: Covid Super Bowl

[starts singing like his song “Gangnam Style]

Co-co-co-co-covid Super Bowl

It Gets Better

Matt Lee…Bowen Yang

Tayor Bard…Dan Levy

Miranda Rivers… Kate McKinnon

Jemima Cullen…Punkie Johnson

[Starts with several “It Gets Better” videos]

Female voice: In 2011, the “It Gets Better” project worked to show LGBTQ plus youth, the amazing heights their lives would reach.

Matt Lee: Every time I was picked on, I just reminded myself it gets better.

Miranda Rivers: There is hope.

Female voice: On the 10th anniversary of “It Gets Better”, we asked previous youth participants to share how their lives have changed for the better.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It does truly get better. And then someti– Within that better is– There are some things that are like, less better.

Jemima Cullen: Oh, yeah. Yeah. I think so. It get better. Sometimes…

Matt Lee: After high school, I really learned to love myself. I finally stopped getting bullied … by straight people. But I pretty much immediately started getting tormented by gay people for my taste in music. I think it’s why.

Tayor Bard: I men, I don’t get bullied by kids anymore because I’m a very successful man in my 30s. You know what feels very similar to being shoved in a locker though? Income tax. I know that’s not exactly what you guys do but I’m just saying like, stuff about taxes would have been extremely helpful.

Miranda Rivers: My dream was always to have a family. But I never thought that was possible. Now I have two beautiful kids and they’re smart and they’re amazing and they asked me for an iguana. And I got them that iguana. And that iguana outgrew six tanks and has ruined my floor with it’s urine and has taken over my life. Now there is an evil dinosaur living my house. So, that part is not better.

Jemima Cullen: At this point, I thought I would be embraced by a big community of people who were like me. But I only have one friend. and she is my girlfriend. And she don’t even like me that much.

Tayor Bard: It was so amazing when gay marriage was legalized. Unfortunately, that was also when they legalized gay divorce. Just because you can legally get married doesn’t mean you should.

Bown: It’s scarier when people are mean because they are so organized. Tweeted one vague opinion about Chromatica and I had to move. Not just apartments. Like, cities.

Miranda Rivers: I actually never even worry about being gay anymore. I only worry about the iguana. The first thing I think about when I wake up is the iguana. And the last thing I think about when I go to sleep is the iguana. It figured out door knob.

Matt Lee: It’s way better than before. I’m fully accepted by my entire family. But I don’t like most of them.

Miranda Rivers: It means so much that I have the right to visit my wife in the hospital. It just sucks that she’s in the hospital because she was mauled in the face by the iguana.

Matt Lee: I can tell the youth of 2021 one thing. [showing his picture from 10 years back] It got better for him. Be yourself. Just don’t say that you do or don’t like some songs.

Jemima Cullen: [showing her picture from 10 years back] Her advice, don’t wear basketball shorts because when you’re out with your girl, people are going to think you’re the one who fights.

Tayor Bard: [showing his picture from 10 years back] It definitely got better for this guy. So much better that he got to have problems previously only available to straight people. And that is progress.

Miranda Rivers: [showing his picture from 10 years back] She wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Well, she would trade one thing.

Matt Lee: It gets better.

Tayor Bard: It gets better.

Jemima Cullen: It gets better.

Miranda Rivers: It gets so much be– [the iguana is sitting beside her. She gets scared.]

Female voice: It gets better… and it gets other stuff too.

What Still Works Cold Open

Kate McKinnon

Marjorie Taylor Greene… Cecily Strong

Derrick Boner… Pete Davidson

Jack Dorsey… Mikey Day

Mark Zuckerberg… Alex Moffat

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Tom Brady… John Krasinski

[Starts with Kate McKinnon in her set.]

Female voice: And now, it’s time for “What Still Works?”

[cheers and applause]

Kate McKinnon: Hello. Hello and welcome to what still works where we look at every part of American society and wonder what still works? It’s a new year and we have a new president. So, something should work. But do they? Our first topic is ‘Government’ and already I have my doubts. Joining us is a congress woman from Georgia who’s been promoting QAnon conspiracy theories. Please welcome Marjorie Taylor Greene.

[Marjorie Taylor Greene walks in]

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Hi. Thanks for having me. [pulls out a gun and offers it to Kate McKinnon] Gun?

Kate McKinnon: No. Thank you. I’m good.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: Congress woman Greene, hard to say those words together. What are some of the theories you believe in and have been promoting?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: How much time you got?

Kate McKinnon: For you, very little.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Well, first off, I believe the Parkland shooting was a hoax. The teachers were actors and the children were dolls. I believe 9/11 was a hoax. Did anyone actually see it happen? I’ve also told my supporters that they should physically murder Nancy Pelosi. She’s just a lady I work with.

Kate McKinnon: Yes. I know. Thank you.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Oh, and this is a new and it just came out. I think that the California wildfires were caused by Jewish space laser.

Kate McKinnon: So, there are lasers in space that cause wildfires and lasers identify as Jewish?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes, correct.

Kate McKinnon: And those are real things you believe and tell other people about?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Um-hmm, yes.

Kate McKinnon: And you’re a US representative?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: You represent the US?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: People can google you and it will say – she’s a real member of the US government?

Marjorie Taylor Greene: That might not be the first thing that comes up but yes.

Kate McKinnon: And when your colleagues found out about all these hateful and psychotic things you said, what did they do.

Marjorie Taylor Greene: I was promoted to the education committee.

Kate McKinnon: Okay, thanks for coming. So, government doesn’t work. [Marjorie Taylor Greene walks out] And honestly, I regret not taking that gun. Now, let’s take a look at the stock market. That usually works, right? That’s where people invest all their retirement money, so should probably work. Here to help us answer that question is the new majority shareholder of GameStop, Derrick Boner.

[Derrick Boner walks in]

Derrick Boner: Hey. Wad up? This is crazy, dude. By the way, my name is Derrick Evans, but I made you say boner.

Kate McKinnon: Terrific. Now, would you say the stock market still works?

Derrick Boner: First of all, it’s pronounced ‘The Stonk Market’. Hell yeah, it works. See, I told you. I put all my money in GameStop and I can’t lose.

Kate McKinnon: Uh-huh. So, normally a stock price reflects the company’s value, right?

Derrick Boner: Okay.

Kate McKinnon: And two weeks ago, GameStop was valued at $Kate McKinnonTom Brady a share and then it went to $Jack DorseyKate McKinnonDerrick Boner a share. Would you say that reflects the kind of business GameStop stores have been doing in the past two weeks?

Derrick Boner: Um, we sell games?

Kate McKinnon: Right. But are you good at it?

Derrick Boner: Not really. People download all their games now, so we’re kind of like– I don’t know, what do you call it?

Kate McKinnon: A dying business?

Derrick Boner: Yeah. That’s it.

Kate McKinnon: Right. So, your price should have gone—

Derrick Boner: Down?

Kate McKinnon: But instead it went–

Derrick Boner: Up the most?

Kate McKinnon: So, now it seems like–

Derrick Boner: The entire system is a joke?

Kate McKinnon: Exactly.

Derrick Boner: Interesting. Hey, you wanna buy my stonks?

Kate McKinnon: I’m good. Thank you. But out of curiosity, who else invested in GameStop?

Derrick Boner: Oh. Ja Rule.

Kate McKinnon: Best of luck to you. [Derrick Boner walks away] So, the stock market no longer works. Next, let’s look at social media. Some might say it never worked, but let’s ask two experts, Twitter CEO, Jack Dorsey and and Facebook Founder, Mark Zuckerberg.

[Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk in. Jack Dorsey takes a seat and Mark Zuckerberg stays standing as there’s only one seat.]

We can get you a chair, Mark.

Mark Zuckerberg: I prefer to stand. It makes my legs work just as hard as my brain. Ha-ha-ha. Dab! [dabs] Hah! Leg-dab. [jumps and does the leg-dab]

Kate McKinnon: He’s one of our best and brightest. Guys, you’ve had to suspend the accounts of many prominent conservatives who are spreading lies and in-sighting violence. How did that go?

Jack Dorsey: Not well. It seems to have force those people on to darker, scarier apps where they’re delusion and blood lust can run wild.

Mark Zuckerberg: And fundamentally, Facebook still works. Not only does it help form communities online, it has helped people meet and connect in real life. For example, at the Capitol. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Jack Dorsey: And while we’re gathering opinion with what works, would you say that my chin-beard is working?

Kate McKinnon: It’s working in terms of keeping me a lesbian. Thank you so much for joining us. [Jack Dorsey and Mark Zuckerberg walk out] Our next topic the vaccine rollout. Is that working? Joining us someone who has just received the vaccine, OJ Simpson.

[OJ Simpson walks in]

OJ Simpson: How is it going, gang? Great to see you, everybody. [He is wearing a house arrest ankle monitor] I don’t get out much, so this is fun.

Kate McKinnon: So, OJ, you got the vaccine?

OJ Simpson: Yes.

Kate McKinnon: Teachers can’t get vaccines but you did?

OJ Simpson: That’s correct.

Kate McKinnon: People with long term lung conditions can’t get the vaccine but you did?

OJ Simpson: Absolutely.

Kate McKinnon: So, among the first 3% of all Americans given the vaccine, was OJ Simpson.

OJ Simpson: Hey, guilty as charged. About the vaccine.

Kate McKinnon: Alright. The vaccine rollout, it doesn’t work. Thank you so much for coming.

OJ Simpson: Honestly, my schedule was wide open. [ankle monitor starts beeping] God, this thing makes me so angry. [angrily] I swear I could just– [Kate McKinnon is getting scared of OJ Simpson and he notices that] Hey, stay cool, juice.

[OJ Simpson walks out]

Kate McKinnon: Cool. And our last topic tonight, Tom Brady. Is Tom Brady working? Here with his thoughts is Tom Brady.

[Tom Brady walks in]

Tom Brady: Thanks for having me.

Kate McKinnon: Now, Tom, this is your tenth Super Bowl appearance?

Tom Brady: That’s right.

Kate McKinnon: You’re 43 years old but you’re 27.

Tom Brady: I haven’t been eating sugar for 15 years.

Kate McKinnon: You went to historically one of the worst franchises in football and in your first year, you took them all the way to the championship?

Tom Brady: That’s right. But, it’s really team effort, you know?

Kate McKinnon: No, no. Don’t even try it. No one believes there’s anyone else on the team. My point is, you still work.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You’re supposed to win football games and you just keep winning football gmes.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: You might be the only thing in America that still works.

Tom Brady: Yeah.

Kate McKinnon: So, I guess everyone must be rooting for you, right?

Tom Brady: Almost no one.

Kate McKinnon: Well, you know what? I’ll be rooting for you, Tom Brady because you’re the only god damn thing this country can still rely on. And it’s not like you’re a weird Trump guy or anything, right?

Tom Brady: [does’t answer] Thanks for having me. [stands and walks away]

Kate McKinnon: And thank you for watching what still works. I’ve been Kate McKinnon as myself slowing losing my mind along with all of you. Stay strong. Or weak. Weak is a great option too. And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

Twins

Mischa Shumway… Cecily Strong

Dale Tillman… Beck Bennett

Craig Steer… John Krasinski

Jacob… Mikey Day

Josephine… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Mischa in her news set]

Mischa: I’m, Mischa. This is “The Dividend”. It’s been a wild week on Wall Street. Here to break it down with me is an investment analyst, Dale Tillman.

Dale: Always a pleasure, Mischa. Glad that it worked out that I could be here.

Mischa: Be quiet. You have nothing going on. And joining us from his home in Connecticut, economist, Craig Steer.

Craig: Talk about easy commute. I just had to walk from my living room.

Mischa: Now, a number of hedge funds got caught with their pants down this week when Reddit users drove the price of GameStop up executing a short squeeze. Craig, your thoughts?

Craig: Listen, I think you know how I feel. Right? Power to the people. I mean, why shouldn’t Joe Schmo get rich using the same tactics as Johnny hedge fund?

Mischa: Craig, I’m sorry, but can I ask what’s going on with the art work behind you?

Craig: Oh! My daughter painted that. It’s called the Restless Sinner. She’s very talented. Both my twin daughters, actually. My son Jacob makes these terrific sculptures. I think I have one right here. [Craig pulls out a long human baby toy with MischaDale hands.] Yeah.

Mischa: Oh!

Craig: This one’s called centi-pediatric. Anyway, sorry to show off. I’m just a proud papa.

Mischa: Okay. Well, your twins are certainly talented. But I’m a little worried some viewers might find that Gory painting and baby centipede unsettling. Can you maybe cover them up so we don’t see them?

Dale: Yeah. I think that’s a good idea. I’m pretty unsettled. Could you maybe move your camera?

Craig: Well, I don’t know. I got a desktop here. Let me see. [Craig moves forward to see the computer, so now we can only see his sweater from close.] You know guys, really sorry. [Craig takes his seat. Now, there are his twins behind him looking creepy.]

Mischa: Oh!

Dale: My god!

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Jacob: Father.

Josephine: Father.

Craig: Oh! Look up. Cameo alert. Here they are. There’s the twins. Jacob, Josephine. Guys, why are you in here? I told you to play outside while dad was working.

Jacob: The neighbor boy showed us pornography on his phone.

Josephine: We didn’t look away. We liked it, father.

Jacob: Why did we like it, father?

Craig: Well, you know what? We’ll talk about it later. Just go play. [looking at the camera] Kids, am I right? Sorry about that guys.

Mischa: Yeah. Well, Dale, what’s your take on all this?

Dale: I don’t know. Maybe they’re home schooled or something?

Mischa: I meant the stock market, Dale!

Dale: Oh, that. Well, I think Craig’s got it all wrong. I mean, this sort of market manipulation is dangerous.

Craig: Okay. Hold on. Now, what is dangerous about–

[Craig’s video freezes.]

Mischa: Craig? Looks like you froze there. Craig, can you hear me?

[when Craig is back, the twins are also behind him]

Craig: Sorry about that. I’m back.

Mischa: Oh my god!

Josephine: Why does Dale disagree with you father?

Jacob: I don’t like Dale. [devil voice] Dale makes me angry.

Dale: Guys, I’m sorry.

Craig: Guys, go. Let daddy work. Okay? So, maybe go make a snack.

Josephine: May I make us mustard on toast?

Jacob: I want to make it. She is stingy with the mustard.

Josephine: Because you are indulgent with the mustard.

Craig: Okay, guys, please.

[Jacob and Josephine leave]

Dale: Craig, your twins know that we just have difference of opinion and I’m not your enemy, right?

Craig: [laughing] Your’e too much, Dale!

Dale: I’m serious.

Mischa: Well, this obviously has Wall Street worried for a lot of reasons. What should they be most concerned about? Craig?

[now Jacob and Josephine are so close to the camera that you can barely see Craig]

Craig: I am so sorry, Mischa. Listen guys, for real, daddy’s working, okay? Say good bye. Love you.

Jacob: Good bye.

Josephine: Goo bye, [devil voice] Dale.

Dale: I hate that she said my name.

Mischa: Yeah, better you than me. Well, today’s viewer poll asked the same question, what’s Wall Street’s biggest fear? 17% of you said increased market manipulation while 83% said those twins. Have to agree.

Dale: Craig, maybe your twins could come back. I thought I didn’t like seeing them, but it’s even worse when I don’t know where they are.

Craig: Okay, Dale. I see what’s going on here. You’re afraid to have a little bit of a debate with me because you worship at the alter of the hedge fund. Now, what’s wrong? You getting a little hot under the collar there?

[the twins are behind Dale now]

Dale: I don’t feel hot but I just got really cold.

Mischa: Okay. We’re going to take a quick break. Keep in here.

Supermarket Sweep

David Ruprecht… John Krasinski

James… Chris Redd

Dina… Ego Nwodim

Billy… Andrew Dismukes

Riba… Lauren Holt

Kris… Aidy Bryant

Gina… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with TV show schedule]

Female voice: You’re watching the Game Show Newtork’s 90’s Throwback Night. At 8, it’s Dogs vs Kids. At 9, it’s The Great American Slime Race. But now, it’s a classic 1991 episode of Supermarket Sweep.

[cut to the show set]

David Ruprecht: Hello and welcome back to Supermarket Sweep. It’s jeopardy for food. I’m your host David Ruprecht. Let’s meet today’s contestants. James and Dina. Billy and Reba. And Kris and Gina. Welcome to the show. James and Dina, how do you know each other?

James: We’re dating.

Dina: We’re engaged.

David Ruprecht: Terrific. Billy and Reba?

Billy and Riba: We’re married.

David Ruprecht: Very nice. And Kris and Gina. How do you two know each other?

Gina: We are very good friends.

Kris: Yes. We breed pugs

Gina: We also share clogs.

Kris: Yes. And one bedroom home in Vermont.

David Ruprecht: Super. Alright. You excited for sweep?

Gina: Oh sir, yes sir.

Kris: We have a dozen rescued animals with different unmanageable medical conditions that require separate diets.

Gina: We know the supermarket like the back of our strong women’s hand.

David Ruprecht: Well, that sounds good to me. Okay. Let’s get to the most famous part of Supermarket Sweep, the little quiz about grocery items. Who’s ready? Alright. So, here we go. Laid by a feathered bird on two legs, this breakfast oval is known as…

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris: Eggs.

Gina: It’s eggs.

Kris: Eggs.

David Ruprecht: Very good. Kris and Gina.

[Gina and Kris look at each other]

Gina: I love you.

[Gina and Kris kiss]

Kris: You’re my king.

David Ruprecht: Little friendship kiss there. And wow! Eggs are a $100 bonus items. So Gina, go find those eggs.

Gina: Okay, [pointing at Kris] this is for you

Kris: Go my provider.

[Gina runs towards the grocery section of the set and brings in the eggs.]

Gina: I love you.

Kris: Come on. Get those eggs.

Gina: Got em’. God, I missed you.

Kris: I missed you so much.

Gina: That was crazy for me.

Kris: I am sick when you are not here.

Gina: Let’s never do that again.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: Egg

David Ruprecht: That is correct but little late. Great job to the gal pals but couples, you’re still in this. Okay, here’s your next clue. If you’re running late–

[Kris and Gina pressing the buzzer button]

Kris and Gina: It’s ketchup.

David Ruprecht: That is correct.

Riba: [to Billy] Why didn’t you say ketchup?

Billy: They’re so fast.

Riba: Don’t yell at me.

Billy: Don’t emasculate me on TV.

David Ruprecht: Oh, trouble in paradise. Now, let’s learn a little bit about our front runners. What do you guys do for work?

Kris: I have a doctorate in grocery riddles.

Gina: That’s right. And I’m a unitarian minister.

David Ruprecht: Neat. What would you do with the money if you win?

Kris: Well, our blind horse needs a full time nurse.

Gina: Yeah. My snow shoes are looking a little ratty.

Kris: Yeah. And I do need titanium ankles because mine are just sort of bone on bone.

David Ruprecht: Ouchie! Well, good luck catching up, couples, because these two are really in sync.

Gina: Yeah, we got a really good thing.

Kris: Yeah. This woman taught me how to trust.

Gina: Sometimes I lie awake praying that we die in the same moment.

[Dina presses the buzzer button]

Dina: [pointing at James] Now, why doesn’t he talk about me like that?

James: What did I do?

Dina: Don’t talk to me.

James: I don’t know what to tell ya’. Pairs of friends like this do really well on our show. In fact, let’s take a moment to give a shoutout to our previous winners this season. They’re Sam and Karen. [both women] Jan and Rebecca. [both women again] Kelly and Rone. [both women again] And Ellen and Portia. [both women again] Alright. Kris and Gina, since you’re in the lead, you’ll get to do the mini-sweep. Now, if you find the specially marked golden blue-berry, you’ll win $5000.

Gina: I got this and I got you, babe.

Kris: Thank you for today and all the days in the future and all the days that we have had forever together.

David Ruprecht: And go!

[Kris and Gina run towards the grocery section. Kris falls down because of her ankle problem.]

Kris: Ouch! Oh god! Oh, no. Oh, my ankles. You gotta go on without me.

Gina: No. I’m never leaving you again.

Kris: You will have to.

Gina: Oh, like hell I do.

David Ruprecht: 40 seconds on the clock.

Kris: Look at me, Gina. You are my world. And all the deaf donkeys we have raised from bottle call, you mother.

David Ruprecht: 20 seconds left, girls.

Gina: [pointing at David Ruprecht] Shut up.

Kris: Yes, you shut up. You shut the hell up and let me talk to my friend. [talking to Gina now] Now, I was gonna wait, but your mother to die before I did this. [Kris pulls out an engagement ring.]

Gina: Oh my god.

Kris: Gina, will you do me the honor of marrying us?

Gina: Yes. By the power vested in my by the store Vermont unitary, you may now kiss the friend.

Kris: Oh baby.

[Kris and Gina start making out on the floor]

David Ruprecht: Well, time’s up and you didn’t find the blueberries. But on the bright side, I’m thinking about asking one of you out. Well, thanks for watching, America. Goodnight.

Opening Credits Songs

Nicole Kidman… Chloe Fineman

Anya Taylor-Joy… Melissa Villaseñor

David Harbour… Beck Bennett

Julie Andrews… Cecily Strong

Nicholas Braun… Pete Davidson

Gillian Anderson… Kate McKinnon

Kim Cattrall… Chloe Fineman

Baby Yoda… Kyle Mooney

Kelsey Grammer… Alex Moffat

John Krasinski

[Starts with Nicole Kidman’s intro]

Male voice: If you’ve watched “The Undoing”, you might have noticed that one of the stars of the show, Nicole Kidman, sang the theme song.

Nicole Kidman: [singing] Why am I alone, it’s blue as can be (my son)
dream a little dream of me

Did you notice my coat?

Male voice: We did. Inspired by Nicole, stars of your other favorite shows now singing their theme songs on ‘Now that’s what I call theme songs sung by the stars of the show’. So, enjoy this original theme song that was cut from the opening of “The Queen’s Gambit”.

[Cut to Anya Taylor-Joy]

Anya Taylor-Joy: [singing] Chess and drugs and drugs and chess
girl playing chess, then doing drugs
then playing chess
now when you see people playing chess
now you will know, they’re on drugs

Male voice: And hey, if you like Stranger Things, you’ll love the new season four opening credits performed by Sheriff Jim “Hop” Hopper.

[Cut to David Harbour]

David Harbour: [singing] Welcome to the 80s, I’m about to blow your mind
in Hawkins, Indiana, scary aliens you’ll find

lots of kid actors but they’re actually good
there’s something strange in your neighborhood

Oops! That’s Ghostbuster, girl!

Male voice: And Julie Andrews, the narrator of “Bridgerton”.

[Cut to Julie Andrews]

Julie Andrews: [singing] Sex, lots of color blind sex
sex, we put on costume for sex

but why do these opening credits
look like a screensaver from the 90s? 

Male voice: And wow, check out Cousin Greg from “Succession” lending his own unique style to their theme song.

[Cut to Nicholas Braun]

Nicholas Braun: [singing] Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Huh? What?
Succession

Male voice: And what about Gillian Anderson as Margaret Thatcher singing the theme song for “The Crown”?

[Cut to Gillian Anderson]

Gillian Anderson:  [singing] This is the crown

Alright

Male voice: Pretty sure that was the theme song from “The Voice”. And you’ve probably heard the rebooting “Sex and the City”. Kim Cattrall is not in the new show but she does sing the theme song.

[Cut to Kim Cattrall]

Kim Cattrall: [singing] Sex an the City without Samantha
doesn’t that sound fun?

it’s Sex and the City without the sex
hope you enjoy the city

Ah!

Male voice: And don’t miss the opening theme to “The Mandalorian” as performed by Baby Yoda.

[Cut to Baby Yoda]

Baby Yoda: Oh, ha-ha-ha-ha.
oh, yeah, what?
turn it up, turn it up, yo
Yo, come on, now, yo
Mandolorian, native Californian

Enough! This beat is whack! I got to wrap to this? Come on, now?

Male voice: And now that Frasier is back on Pika, Kelsey Grammer has release a brand new version of the theme song. But he has modernized the lyrics as only Kelsey Grammer can.

[Cut to Kelsey Grammer]

Kelsey Grammer: [singing] Hey, maybe I hear you Instagramming,
TikTok salads and Twitter eggs
Reddit

Male voice: And finally, John Krasinski sings the long lost lyrics to the original “The Office” theme song which he wrote himself.

[Cut to John Krasinski]

John Krasinski:[singing] Scranton,Scranton, Scranton,
Scranton, Scranton, Scranton, Scranton
that’s where we all live and work

that’s a calculator
there’s Dwight, he’s the bad guy
and the hero’s name is Jim
highlighting, that’s his girlfriend
that guy’s on the phone,
tie flip, then there’s me again
then Carell does the trophy thing
the office

Male voice: Stars sing the songs from the shows they’re on. Available wherever I am. Come and find me.