Tag: Keegan-Michael Key

The Last Dance- Extended Scene

Mikey Day

Michel Jordan… Keegan-Michael Key

John… Heidi Gardner

Dennis Rodman… Chris Redd

Phil Jackson… Alex Moffat

Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Mikey speaking]

Mikey narrating: One year ago, my documentary about Michael Jordan’s final season with the Bulls “Last Dance” aired on ESPN. And even though it was 10 hours long, there was so much left on the cutting room floor. So tonight, I’d like to share an extended scene that I think really speaks wo what made Michael Jordan such a great competitor. Enjoy.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan]

Micahel Jordan: Game five, Bulls/Suns, tipoff is in two hours. I’m playing quarters on the wall with my head of security John here. John, say hi.

John: Well, I’m ready for my close up.

Micahel Jordan: So, whoever gets this quarter closest to the wall wins. I’m going to take $5 off of him. Watch this.

John: Alright, we’ll see.

[Micahel Jordan throws the coin]

Oh, how about I take that from you?

[John throws the coin further than Micahel Jordan]

I win!

Micahel Jordan narrating: He won. I was happy for him. But he did that little shrug and I took that personally.

Micahel Jordan: Again.

John: Oh, okay. I think I got another five side on me.

Micahel Jordan: $1000 this time.

John: No, man. I don’t carry that kind of, what do the kids call it? Cheese.

Micahel Jordan: I spot you. I spot you.

[John throws the coin]

John: Oh, no. That’s financially rough for me. My wife’s not going to like that.

Dennis Rodman narrating: See, with Michael, he had to win. That’s what made him great.

[Micahel Jordan wins this time]

Phil Jackson narrating: I mean, he’s about to play for an NBA title and here he is taking little locker room game. Seriously, just amazing.

Micahel Jordan: Well, how much money you owe me now?

John: $9000.

Micahel Jordan: Oh, that’s nothing. You can make that in a day.

John: I can’t.

Micahel Jordan: You can.

[door knocks. Charles Barkley is peeking inside.]

Oh, there he is. The enemy. Charles Barkley.

Charles Barkley: What’s up? How are y’all doing? Oh, what you’re playing? Quarters to the wall? Man, I love that game. Let me play. What you playing: $5000 a throw?

John: Okay, well you two have fun.

Micahel Jordan: No, no. John, stay.

John: No, because I don’t make that kind of money.

Charles Barkley: Well, bet your pants then.

John: Not gonna look great if I lose my pants. But well… It’s a dream team.

[Cut to Micahel Jordan holding John’s pants]

Micahel Jordan: Oh, look at these pleets.

Charles Barkley: That’s a sharp pleet.

John: Alright, come on. They wouldn’t even fit you, man. Come on. Let me win it back. I’ll get my pants. [throws the coin]

Dennis Rodman narrating: The thing about Michael is he didn’t just want to beat you. He wanted to dominate you.

Micahel Jordan: John, now you owe me a gun.

John: [pulls his gun out] This is loaded.

Dennis Rodman narrating: He wanted to embarrass you.

Micahel Jordan: What’s the bet? You said you’d show it.

[John shows his penis. Everyone’s laughing.]

John: Maybe if I was seven feet tall, mine would look like your’s. Alright? But you know what? It’s a story I can tell the grand kids I showed Michael Jordan my [bleep]. Let’s go again.

Micahel Jordan narrating: If you’re not playing to win, why play?

Charles Barkley: You hustling me, MJ. [handing over a ton of money] But you know what? I’ma settle this on the ocurt.

Micahel Jordan: Shut up. I’ma whoop your ass, man. Hey, John, give me those glasses.

John: Oh, I really need it Mike. I’m security. I got to be able to see.

Micahel Jordan: A bet’s a bet.

John: You’re right. He’s right.

Dennis Rodman narrating: Never throw quarters with Jordan. I wouldn’t do it. I lost everything once.

[John is throwing coin without being able to see.]

Micahel Jordan: One more time. Let’s go.

John: Man, I got nothing left.

Micahel Jordan: One night with your wife.

John: No, man. Alright, let’s go. Come on.

John speaking on the phone: Don’t be like that. It’s just one night. Hello? Okay. She hung up so it’s official. I’m in the dog house.

Micahel Jordan: Let’s go. One more.

John: Mike, I got to say no.

Micahel Jordan: If you win, I’m gonna give everything back. Your’e going to get your ring. You’re going to get your gun. You’re going to get your pants. Everything.

John: And what do you get?

Micahel Jordan: What do I get? Your hair.

John: You have a problem.

Micahel Jordan narrating: What can I say? I like to win.

Prom Show

Katie Sterack… Heidi Gardner

PJ Rube… Bowen Yang

Jacob Schneeb… Keegan-Michael Key

Danny Spooge… Kyle Mooney

Chloe Fineman

Ted Vinegret… Andrew Dismukes

Lexi… Ego Nwodim

Michelle… Melissa Villaseñor

Mr. Miller… Pete Davidson

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Live from the Brandy Melville ball room. It’s the Braxton high school prom red carpet.

[Cut to Katie Sterack and PJ Rube. Katie Sterack is holding a crutch.]

PJ Rube: Hello and welcome to this year’s red carpet coverage from Tamar Braxton High senior prom. I’m thirsty junior PJ Rube.

Katie Sterack: And I’m Katie Sterack.

PJ Rube: Katie, what happened to your leg?

Katie Sterack: Oh, I was making out under the bleachers and they folded up on me.

PJ Rube: Rough. Well, here to give us the scoop on what’s happening inside prom is super senior Jacob Schneeb.

[Cut to Jacob Schneeb.]

Jacob Schneeb: What’s up, guys? Schneeb here at the Annie Young Memorial chocolate fountain. She didn’t die. She moved.

PJ Rube: Now Schneeb, this is your third senior year because you’re in every club. But you just can’t pass pre-algebra.

Jacob Schneeb: Yeah, right. I do show choir, calligraphy, and I’m the only one strong enough to toss all the cheer leaders. So, there’s no time for class.

PJ Rube: Thanks, Schneeb. And I’m hearing we have our first arrival. It’s Danny Spooge and a mystery date who is out of his league.

Katie Sterack: Danny, congratulations on a date way hotter than you. Tell us, how did you bag?

Danny Spooge: She’s home schooled. So, she don’t know how hot she is.

PJ Rube: Home schooled. Okay. Then I got to ask. Hippie or crazy religious?

Chloe: Nothing crazy. Our bible is only eight pages and my uncle drew it.

PJ Rube: That’s insane. Schneeb, back to you.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, breaking news. I have a freshman at prom! Kid, tell us who you are and how the hell you’re here?

Ted Vinegret: I’m Ted Vinegret. I’m Katie Sterack4 and I met my date because she babysat me last year.

Jacob Schneeb: So, Ted, you are presenting tonight.

Ted Vinegret: What do you mean?

Jacob Schneeb: I can see your boner.

Ted Vinegret: Oh, sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s fine. Enjoy the night. Back to you guys.

Katie Sterack: Okay. We’re here with a big group of popular kids.  Where did you take pictures tonight?

Lexi: We lined up in front of my step mom’s huge TV. We made it look like a fireplace.

Chris: Then we piled into a nasty white Hummer limo. I poked my head out of the roof and just screamed.

Beck: Yes. First, we stopped for beautiful 4PM dinner at Red Robin. Tipped 12% because we ballers.

PJ Rube: Lexi, you look absolutely disgusting tonight.

Lexi: Thank you.

PJ Rube: What are you wearing?

Lexi: Green.

PJ Rube: Who is it by?

Lexi: Mall.

PJ Rube: Okay. Can you explain this peekaboo moment here? [pointing at her dress]

Lexi: Oh! I don’t have a mom so no one’s honest with me.

Katie Sterack: Before you go. Any prom king prediction?

Beck: Me because I’m on lacrosse but I also did the plays.

Katie Sterack: Absolutely. Schnebe, what you got cooking?

Jacob Schneeb: Well, it doesn’t get any more prom than this. It’s two dorks who bang. Now, I got to tell you, there are a lot of dorks who bang, what makes you two special?

Aidy: Well, we met in stage crew, but then we discovered that we’re both in band.

Mikey: And yes, now we have full sex everyday.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, wow. Congratulations. So, tell us about the ribbon you’re wearing. What is is raising awareness for?

Aidy: My mom’s ribbon store.

Jacob Schneeb: Oh, of course. Which reminds me, tonight’s prom is brought to you by Water Bottles! Put the alcohol in the bottle and say it’s water! Strapless bra, by the end of the night, your bra is a belt with a strapless bra! And of course, Hand Stuff, stay pure by doing Hand Stuff. Katie.

Katie Sterack: Okay. I’m being told that party bus has unloaded. Let’s see who’s just got in the prom.

PJ Rube: It’s Michelle Shugi. Michelle, you got a really intense spray tan. Are you worried this is a hate crime?

Michelle: No. I’m Puerto Rican. So, we in the clear.

PJ Rube: Quick moving, Shugi, because here comes Mr. Miller, the hot stuff who’s 23.

[Mr. Miller walks in]

Katie Sterack: We heard you’re doing the SATs this year, is that true?

Mr. Miller: Yeah, or I might just put on Tokyo Drift.

Katie Sterack: Mr. Miller, I had a dream that you pushed me in the pool. How f’ed up is that?

Mr. Miller: Not that F. Anyway, I should head inside. I’m supposed to be the Chaperone.

Jacob Schneeb: Well, guys, I just got some terrible news. I passed pre-algebra and now I have to graduate.

Katie Sterack: Ah, Schneeb!

PJ Rube: We’re so sorry.

Jacob Schneeb: It’s okay. All I ask is…

[singing] Don’t you forget about Schneeb

High School Graduation

Principal… Alex Moffat

Chris Redd

Punkie Johnson

Kenan Thompson

Keegan-Michael Key

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Beck Bennett

Andrew Dismukes

Mikey Day

Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a student playing violin. She finishes. Everyone claps.]

Principal: Thank you for that wonderful solo, Melissa. Life is indeed a highway. Now, I’d like to ask the class of Chris0ChrisPrincipal to rise as you receive your diplomas and reminder to the families, I’ll be reading a lot of names. So please, hold your applause till the end.

[Principal starts calling names and students start walking to the stage]

Madison Abbott. [light claps]

Quintin Addison. [family shouting for him]

Another reminder, please hold your applause.

Chris: I’m not applauding. I’m yelling.

Punkie: Ay! My baby had a speech prepared.

Principal: I’m sorry. No speeches.

Kenan: Wait, just let him talk as he walks across.

Principal: Sorry, can’t do it. Michael Albright.

[parents yelling]

Keegan: You did it boy. I swear, we didn’t think he was going to make it.

Ego: No. He didn’t read a single book. Should I not say that?

Principal: Like I said–

Ego: [yelling] Michael! Baby. Lift up your robe. I bought him a whole new outfit and he up there dressed like everybody else.

Keegan: Lift up the robe, big man.

Ego: Baby, show them the new belt. I bought him a new belt.

Keegan: It’s Gucci. It’s Gucci. It don’t say it, but it is. My man’s a baller, man. Look at he graduating magnum like his father. Magnum cum louder.

Principal: Please. Let’s move on. Danetta Andrews.

Kenan: Ay, that’s our little cousin.

Punkie: Danetta, you better smile, girl. You did it. Oh, she embarrassed because she ain’t got adult teeth growing yet.

Chris: Go ahead. Smile, girl, It’s your day. Show the world them tic tac teeth.

Kenan: She sad because she got more gums than she got teeth.

Chris: Looking like a race horse, like a little cap and gown sea biscuits.

Principal: Okay. Thank you. Let’s keep going. Simon Alexander.

Ego: Whoo! That’s my little godson.

Keegan: Simon, my man. Ay! Simon. Ay! Do the backflip. Big man, do the backflip. He’s probably going to do the backflip.

Ego: He did. We’d like to call him Simon Biles, because he’s a gymnast.

Keegan: Ay. This boy never stop backflipping. This boy can flip his ass off.

[The student is embarrassed and signals them to shut up.]

Keegan: What? Are you scared? Oh, you want to punk out? Oh, damn, man. See, all that backflipping for what?

Ego: Okay. Simon, you better stop playing with me. He making me look bad. I never for a godson that’s a non-flipping little bitch.

Principal: Please. Please. Okay, can we keep our comments to minimum. We’ve got almost 200 names here. Now, before I read the next name, please remember to keep quiet. Here we go. Leticia Allen.

Kenan: Oh! White girl name Leticia?

Punkie: I did not see that coming.

Chris: Upset of the year.

Principal: Once again. Please no comments. Specially these two families over here.

Ego: Hold on, is he really pointing at us?

Keegan: I know he ain’t pointing at us in this day and age.

Principal: Tiffany Atwood.

Beck: Tiffany!

Aidy: Whoo! You did it. You graduated!

Andrew: We are so going to David Buster’s after this.

Principal: Please. I just asked for silence.

Aidy: Well, sorry sir. She’s a first one in our family to graduate.

Beck: Yeah, we’re going to get a Bentley.

Principal: I highly doubt that.

Aidy: Excuse me, but our daughter got a prestigious internship with PF Chang.

Principal: That’s a restaurant.

Aidy: Well, did you get in?

Principal: I have been there. Yes.

Aidy: Okay, then. So, you know it’s good.

Beck: Ay! You remind me of this guy back home who used to touch kids. What’s his name? Trevor. Hey, is your name Trevor?

Principal: This is not a Q&A sir.

Mikey: Well, if I had known that nobody was going to follow the rules, I would have cheered.

Ego: Sir, go ahead then. You can cheer. Hey principal! Let this man’s child go again.

Principal: No. It doesn’t work that way.

All: Come on! Man!

Principal: Fine. Madison Abbott.

Lauren: Wow!

Mikey: Whoo!

Heidi: Good job, Madison.

Lauren: Nice one, girl.

Keegan: For real? What the hell was that?

Ego: Ya’ll are embarrassing.

Kenan: Boo! We fought for you.

Punkie: Baby, you come live with us.

Chris: That’s right, little white baby, we’ll feed you biscuits and cheer while you eat.

Beck: I think everyone just freaked out because principal’s a kid toucher.

Principal: Okay. No! You know what? I think we’re done. I’m just going to arrange for the rest of the graduates to get their diplomas in the mail. Okay? Thank you

Keegan: I like that man. Keeps things short. That’s good.

Ego: I ain’t even mad. Gives us more time to celebrate.

Beck: Great idea, kid toucher. Now, where do we pick up the Bentley?

Gemma & DJ Balls

Alex Moffat

Gene… Kenan Thompson

Punkie Johnson

Heidi Gardner

Chris Redd

DJ Balls… Keegan-Michael Key

Gemma… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a group of friends in a restaurant.]

Alex: Guys, let’s hear it for the birthday boy.

All: Gene! Gene! Gene!

Gene: No, no, no. Don’t do that. I don’t need all of that. But, thank you.

Punkie: Wait, where’s Lisa?

Heidi: Yeah, Gene. Where is Lisa?

Gene: She’s not here because she left me today.

Heidi: Your wife left you on your birthday?

Gene: Yes. Today is the two week mark after her second Pfizer shot. She said that she was finally free.

Alex: Oh! I’m sorry, man.

Gene: That’s okay. This is still nice. A nice quiet sad birthday dinner.

[There are two performers at the stage]

DJ Balls: TGI Friday’s outdoor dining area, make some noise for my man Gene on his birthday!

Gemma: Pew, pew, pew. Happy birthday Gene.

Gene: Okay. What’s all this now?

Punkie: Well, we hired a band before we knew  you were sad.

DJ Balls: Okay. This one goes out to Gene and his gorgeous faithful wife Lisa. That crazy covid couldn’t keep their love down.

Gemma: Aw, so sweet.

DJ Balls: So tonight, instead of going six feet apart, they’re going six inches deep. What? What?

Alex: Gene, do you want to go home?

Gene: No, I’m fine. I mean, they’re good.

DJ Balls: Alright, let’s do this.

Gemma: [singing badly] one shot, two shot, three shot, four
Pfizer’s got so much more
who knows what this vaccine’s for?
Only shot I need is yours

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me!

Gemma: Give me that sharp sensation

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore.

DJ Balls: Right there. Thank you. Okay. So, if you’re wondering who we are, I’m DJ Balls.

Gemma: And I’m Gemma. I’m British.

DJ Balls: And tell me what you told me about the UK.

Gemma: We totally spread wide open now.

DJ Balls: Wow. Wide open. Yeah. How sexy is that? Birthday boy, sure. He sure thinks so. Look at him.

Gemma: Barry, stop.

DJ Balls: No. Look at him. He’s trying so hard to hold his thing down, he’s about to poke out of the top is his collar.

Heidi: Gene, are you aroused?

Gene: I don’t think so.

DJ Balls: Wait, Gene? Gene Diradusio? Is that you? No way! It’s me, man! Darrius John Balls. DJ Balls.

Gene: Oh my god.

Punkie: Wait, Gene. You know musicians?

Gene: No. I know him from a pickup artist workshop that we took together.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But then you married that crazy girl Lisa.

Gemma: Aw, so lucky. A love love. It’s little things, you know?

Gene: Well, she left. She got tired of being in quarantine with me.

Gemma: Aw, cuddles to you. Quarantine’s really hard. I had to learn how to do me own bum bleeching.

DJ Balls: Yeah. But I tell you, you got it down, trust me. Because that little thing glows in the dark.

Gemma: Barry!

DJ Balls: Hey, Gene, what’s wrong? Is what we’re talking about making your boys blue?

Gemma: Babe, don’t make me laugh. I’m afraid I’ll toot and it really hurts because of bleaching.

Gene: Okay. Maybe I think I’ll go.

Heidi: Wait. Because your boys are blue? Do you want to go and take care of that, Gene?

Gene: No. I’m not blue. I mean, I guess I am a little bit about my wife leaving.

Gemma: Aw! Then we’re dedicating this next song to you and your wife.

[singing] Feeling naughty
because I got those antibodies
but I got nobody
to feel my body
cause I lost my hottie
and I think he forgot me

I miss you babe, I’ll let you do whatever

I’m Gemma.

DJ Balls: Wow! Oh my god! Look at Gene. He’s hard as a math problem. His eyes are watering from the pressure of holding that thing down.

Chris: Oh, Gene, are you feeling pressure down there? Your eyes are watery.

Gene: Because I’m crying. That song made me think about my wife.

Gemma: Aw, don’t be sad. You’ll see her again in heaven.

Gene: She’s not dead. Oh, that’s great news. Girl power.

Alex: Wait, Gene. You just got a text on your phone from Lisa.

All: Read it! Read it!

Gene: It says – Gene, I made a mistake. Please forgive me. I’m waiting for you at home.

Heidi: Gene, go to her.

Gene: I’m going to. I just can’t stand up right now.

DJ Balls: Oh, Gene. I knew your boys were blue.

Gemma: Aw, another happy ending.

DJ Balls: Speaking of– [plays music] [singing] Stick it in me!

Gemma: You are my vaccination

DJ Balls: Stick it in me! Prick it in me! Stick it in me! Prick it in me! 

Gemma: Don’t stop, sticking me my arm all sore