Darnell Hayes… Kenan Thompson
Keeley… Sasheer Zamata
Shanice… Leslie Jones
Doug… Tom Hanks
[Starts with Black Jeopardy intro]
Announcer: This is Black Jeopardy.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes in the stage]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, wad up? Wad up, wad up, wad up? Welcome to Black Jeopardy, the only TV game show where the audience is in church clothes. I’m your host Darnell Hayes. Our contestants are Keeley.
[Cut to the contestants]
Keeley: Hi.
Darnell Hayes: Shanice.
Shanice: Okay now.
Darnell Hayes: And Doug.
[Doug is wearing Trump’s ‘Make America great again’ red hat]
Doug: How are you doing, sir?
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Oh, man! Doug, you sure you’re ready to play Black Jeopardy?
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: They told me a fellow can win some money, so let’s win some money. Get it done.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Well, I admire your confidence. Let’s see our categories. We got [cut to the game screen] ‘Big girls’, ‘Mm… I don’t know’, ‘You better’, ‘I’m gonna pray on this’, ‘they out here saying’, and as always, ‘white people’.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Okay, Keeley, you’re our returning champ. You pick.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: Okay. Let’s do ‘you better’ for $200.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay, to answer there, you need hot sauce, duck sauce, soy sauce and safety pins. [buzzer sound] Keeley.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: What is ‘you better take your ass to the kitchen and look in the packet drawer’.
Darnell Hayes: Yeah. [Cut to Darnell Hayes] Yeah, the packet drawer, yeah. Ha-ha. Yeah, every kitchen’s got one. You know.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: Okay, let’s stay with ‘you better’ for $400.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, your job wants to take $40 a month out of your check for a 401K. [buzzer sound] Shanice.
[Cut to Shanice]
Shanice: What is, ‘you better give me that money so I can buy me some scratch offs’.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you damn right. You dam right. I mean, why do I need a retirement plan when I got monopoly millionaire’s club?
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Yeah, I play that every week.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Well, that’s good for you. Okay, the board is your’s, Shanice.
[Cut to Shanice]
Shanice: Let’s go with ‘they out here saying’ for $200.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer, they out here saying, the new iPhone wants your trumbprint “for your protection”. [buzzer sound] Oh, okay then, Doug.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, ‘I don’t think so. That’s how they get you.”
[Cut to t]
Darnell Hayes: Yes! [Darnell Hayes is surprised] Yes! That’s it.
[Cut to the contestants]
Keeley: Yes, I don’t trust that.
Shanice: Me neither.
Doug: I read that goes straight to the government.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Well, that is not bad, Doug. The board is your’s.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Well, let’s go to ‘mm… I don’t know’ for four.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, he says his dog doesn’t bite. [buzzer sound] Shanice.
[Cut to Shanice]
Shanice: What is, mm, I don’t know, he got teeth, Downey.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, that’s it. Anything with teeth, you know. Anything with teeth.
[Cut to Shanice]
Shanice: Let’s stick with ‘mm… I don’t know’ for six.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay. Caitlyn Jenner says she belongs to the cover of essence magazine. [buzzer sound] Keeley.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: What is, mm, I don’t know, you can’t do everything.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, yeah, that’s right. You know. I mean, there was a time.
Keeley: Absolutely.
[Cut to the contestants]
Doug: Oh yeah, I remember. Yeah.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: Okay. Let’s go to ‘they out here saying’ for eight.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer there, they out here saying that every vote counts. [buzzer sound] Oh, Doug again.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, come on, they already decided who wins, even ’fore it happens.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yes! Yes! Yes! Man, the illuminati figured that out months ago. That’s another one for Doug.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Okay, we’re doing it. Let’s try ‘they out here saying’ for six.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay. They out here saying, this movie doesn’t deserve an Oscar. [buzzer sound] Keeley.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: What is, Tyler Perry’s “Boo! A Madea Halloween”?
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. You know, when that man puts on a moo-moo, I’m just transpoted.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: You know, I gotta tell you, I love those movies. I bought a box set at Walmart and if I can laugh and pray in 90 minutes, that is money well spent.
[Cut to everyone. Darnell Hayes walks to Doug]
Darnell Hayes: Oh, you know what, sir? I really appreciate you saying this. I like you.
[Darnell Hayes tries to shake his hands with Doug but Doug gets scared and puts his both hands up.]
No, no, it’s alright. It’s all good. [they shake their hands] It’s all good. Okay, yeah, yeah. It’s all good.
[Darnell Hayes walks back]
Darnell Hayes: Okay. Keeley, it’s your pick.
[Cut to Keeley]
Keeley: Let’s go to ‘you better’ for six.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay. The answer, the mechanic says you owe me $250 for new brake lines. [buzzer sound] Doug.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, you better go to that dude in my neighborhood, he’ll fix anything for $40.
Darnell Hayes: Wow! You know Cecil?
Doug: Yeah, yeah. My Cecil’s name is Jim and he fixed my refrigerator, my air conditioner, and my cat.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah. Everybody’s got a guy. Wow, you alright, Doug. Oh! Let’s just take a moment in here about today’s prizes. Johnny!
[Cut to Black Jeopardy intro]
Announcer: Thanks, Darnell. Today’s Black Jeopardy winner will receive ‘The good chair’. Grandaddy needs somewhere to sit. Give him the good chair. And Car Tape. The best tape for fixing your car. Car Tape. It’s duck tape. Back to you Darnell.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Well, Doug, I don’t know what’s going on but the board is your’s.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Well, thank you so much Darnell. You people are fun. Can I say that? Is that okay?
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: [smiling] We’ll give you a pass this time.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Okay, let’s go to ‘big girls’ for $200.
[Cut to the game screen]
Darnell Hayes: Okay, the answer there, skinny women can do this for you. [buzzer sound] Doug.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: What is, not a damn thing.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Yeah, you got it right. Yeah.
[Cut to the contestants. Keeley and Shanice are cheering for Doug]
Doug: My wife, she’s a sturdy gal.
Shanice: That is my man right there.
Darnell Hayes: Go Doug.
Darnell Hayes, Keeley and Shanice: Go Doug. Go Doug. Go Doug.
[banging sound]
Darnell Hayes: Oh! Oh! Oh! The sound of the broom hitting the ceiling below us means that the party has to stop. But, Doug. I have to say it has been a pleasure.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: Yeah, alright.
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: Alright well, let’s take a look at our final Jeopardy category, ‘lives that matter’.
[Cut to the audience. No one is pressing the buzzer and Keeley and Shanice is looking at Doug]
[smiling] Well, it was good while it lasted, Doug.
[Cut to Doug]
Doug: I know, I got a lot to say about this…
[Cut to Darnell Hayes]
Darnell Hayes: [interrupting] Yeah, I’m sure you do. When we come back, we’ll play our national anthem and just see what the hell happens. We’ll be right back.
[The End]