Hello Kitty

Cecily Strong

Molly Kearney

Marcello Hernandez

Bowen Yang

Keke Palmer

Sarah Sherman

[Starts with Cecily and Molly training the trainees]

Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.

Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.

Trainees: Whoo!

Marcello: Let’s do it.

Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.

Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.

Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.

Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.

Sarah: Hah, intresting.

Marcello: I never knew that.

Bowen: What?

Keke: No.

Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?

Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.

Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?

Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.

Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?

Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.

Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.

Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.

Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?

Sarah: Cheerios.

Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.

Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?

Cecily: Yeah.

Molly: Yes.

Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.

Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.

Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.

Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?

Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.

Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.

Keke: She’s measured in apples?

Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.

Keke: So She’s 48 years old?

Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?

Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.

Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.

Keke: What’s her race?

Cecily: What?

Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?

Cecily: She doesn’t have one.

Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?

Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.

Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?

Keke: Say that little white girl is black.

Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.

Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?

Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.

Bowen: Who’s with us?

james: [holding a shovel] I am.

Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.

Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.

Devon: And I am New York.

Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.

Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?

[Hello Kitty opens her kitty mask. It’s Natasha Leon.]

Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.

Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?

Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.

Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.

[everyone starts celebrating]

Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.

All: New York!

Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.

Forceington’s Ridge

Alexia… Cecily Strong

Bowen Yang

Sandrine… Keke Palmer

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the soap channel. We now return to a classic 1984 episode of Forceington’s Ridge.

[Cut to the show. Alexia is hosting a party.]

Alexia: Everyone, I hope you’re all enjoying the champagne. It’s made right here at Forceington Vineyards. And if you’re lucky, I’ll give you the recipe.

Bowen: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Oh Alexia, your drugs like you’re brave hairdos always worth.

Alexia: Someone’s trying to butter me up before I judge the Polo horse race contest this afternoon.

Bowen: Oh, Alexia, I don’t need luck. My horse is huge. Really big.

Alexia: Is it now? But then I guess it’s my job as the judge to be the judge of that big horse. Now please, everyone make your way to the garden for some key napes. Am I saying that right?

Bowen: Lead the way my dear.

Alexia: No, I think I’ll hang back a moment. I need to adjust my breasts in this big mirror.

[All the guests walk to the garden while Alexia is looking at herself on the mirror.]

There, perfect.

[Sandrine stands behind Alexia]

Sandrine: Hello, Alexia.

Alexia: Well, well, well, Sandrine St. Cassettape. You waited for my mirror shot?

Sandrine: Well with your vanity and wandering breasts, I knew just where to find you.

Alexia: I didn’t realize you had an invite.

Sandrine: Maybe you forgot to send it like you didn’t forget not to felicitate my husband ever did.

Alexia: Well, you said that wrong, but I did do it and I’ll do it again today.

Sandrine: Better you than me darling. My mouth is exit only.

Alexia: What are you doing here in my home?

Sandrine: Oh? Your home? You didn’t hear? I found out about your secret floor culture and I thought I could use some place to go to the bathroom when I have guests over.

Alexia: You bitch.

Sandrine: Takes one to be one.

[Alexia slaps Sandrine]

You’re gonna regret that.

[Alexia and Sandrine starts fighting]
[Suddenly they start fighting like pro athletes. They’re wearing knee pads and safety gears.]

Sandrine: Is that all you got, darling?

Alexia: Let me show you how I really feel. You almost smeared my lipstick.

Sandrine: Yes. What is that shade calls anyway? Desperate hag?

Alexia: When I get over there, I’m gonna…

[They starting fighting like pros again]
[Alexia carries Sandrine on her shoulders]

Sandrine: Let me down.

Alexia: With pleasure. [Throws Sandrine on the table and breaks it] Right over there.

Sandrine: Oh, that almost hurt.

Alexia: How’d you like it when your face hit my table?

Sandrine: It’s my my table now, remember? So I loved it as much as you’re going to love the taste of my fist.

[They starting fighting like pros again]
[Bowen walks in]

Bowen: Alexia, Sandrine, oh my god. I certainly hope this violence that about who’s feliciating me? By the way, tick tock.

Sandrine: No, darling. This is about something much, much bigger.

Bowen: Okay, I feel like that’s a dig at me. You two have been friends for 50 years.

Alexia: No. 15. 15.

Bowen: Yeah, sure.

Sandrine: But he’s right. You know, this is no way for two friends to behave.

Alexia: Friends? We’re not friends.

Sandrine: Business partners then?

Alexia: Business partners?

Sandrine: With my financial acumen and your champagne recipe, we’ll be unstoppable.

Alexia: Well that might be the best idea I’ve heard all day. Shall we talk through the details over lunch?

Sandrine: Yes, lunch.

[they walk to the garden]

Oh, Blaige, Storm, are you coming?

[Blaige and Storm are the two women who are dressed like Alexia and Sandrine and were fighting like professionals]

Female voice: To Forceington Cassettape’s vineyard.