Tag: Kelly

Lisa from Temecula Wedding

Lisa… Ego Nwodim

Shana… Punkie Johnson

Kelly… Ana de Armas

Bowen: Oh my gosh, this wedding has been unreal. Neadine is such a beautiful bride.

Molly: Chandler is one lucky guy.

Kelly: He sure is. Hey, Shana, by the way, I know it’s probably tough coming to a wedding today’s after a breakup, but I think it’s so sweet or your baby sister Lisa came all the way here to be your date. Lisa, it’s so nice to meet you.

Lisa: Yeah, that’s cute, but my box is closed tonight.

Kelly: I’m sorry, what?

Shana: Kelly girl, pay no mind to my sister. She’s such a jokester.

Michael: All right, ma’am, this is all the dressing we could find in the kitchen.

Lisa: No, why is this ranch black?

Michael: It’s balsamic.

Lisa: Balsamic? What the-

Bowen: Lisa, you really like your dressing, huh?

Kelly: Yeah, everyone else is just in the salad as served.

Lisa: Yeah. And everyone else is about to be sick. Not me. Toss my salad. You know, the more dressing you put on it, the less likely you are to get ecoli. I need to stay healthy. I got to be in court in the morning.

Kelly: Oh, you’re a lawyer?

Shana: Yes, she surely is. Lisa is the lead litigate on a class action suit against the built-a-bear.

Lisa: Um-hmm. They gave a bunch of build-a-bears to some bald kids, and I ain’t got to tell you what happened next.

Kelly: Wow, that sounds like really important work. I bet those families are grateful for your help.

Lisa: Sis, switch me seats. Your little lesbian friend is doing the most trying to get the box tonight. It ain’t happening, boo.

Kelly: I’m sorry. Do I come off flirting? Because I’m not.

Shana: No Kelly, you’re fine. Lisa, can you please chill?

Lisa: All right. Yeah, whatever. I’m gonna just sit back, relax and fix this salad. Okay? No, hold on. Oh, no. Who thought this was a good idea. Raw salmon?

Bowen: Well, it’s smoked.

Lisa: Smoked? Pink as it is, look like a fruit roll up. Uh-uhh. Cook my meat. [throws the salmon] I’m gonna mix this all up for all of us. Okay.

Kelly: Well anyways, I have to tell you guys about this embarrassing date I went on.

[Lisa is wildly mixing the salad, the table is all shaky.]

Lisa: It must be meat in the salad.

Kelly: So he and I saw a movie and ended up back at my place.

Lisa: Now, why did managers give me ranch?

Kelly: And as soon as we walk in, a mouse runs across my kitchen floor.

Lisa: Sis, you got any ranch on you?

Shana: Lisa? Just eat. Can you please just eat?

Lisa: But I need ranch.

Shana: Oh my god.

Lisa: Everybody knows lettuce is nasty without ranch.

Kelly: So now I’m worried that he saw the mouse. [All their drinks fall and gets spilled on the table.] But then he’s like, “No, no, it’s fine. We’ll just go to my place.”

Molly: Wow, what a gentleman.

Bowen: Smart man.

Shana: Come on, sis. What happened to us just chillin?

Lisa: I am chillin. I’m chillin. I’m minding- What? I’m chillin. I’m minding my business. You know, this salad gonna be all right, but I’m gonna need it to be Boston.

[Lisa stands and starts shaking the whole table while mixing the salad]

Shana: Lisa! Lisa! She’s trying to tell us a damn story.

Lisa: Yeah, I heard the girl. She said her house is dirty.

Shana: Lisa? Okay, alright. Lisa, can you please just knock it off?

Lisa: I need the leverage. I need the leverage.

Shana: I don’t need-

Lisa: What? What? Shaina? I heard the girl Carmen SandiLisa over here trying to get the box while she got ratatouille as her roommate.

[Bride walks in]

Bride: What is going on over here? A piece of salmon at my mother?

Lisa: See? Y’all see? This whole wedding is a mess. People getting hit with salmon and they put raw salmon in my salad.

Groom: Is she saying salmon?

Bride: Thank you for coming but this table is ruining our special day.

Lisa: Oh, because we gay?

Bride: No. We’re right in the middle of our first dance.

Lisa: Then why are you over here talking to me? Dance bitch. Now you’re seeing this right? There’s champagne all in the food, vegetables everywhere. That marriage is doomed.

Kelly: Lisa, I understand that you don’t want to get sick, but this is all kind of your fault.

Bowen: Yeah, you’ve been dressing that salad in a really insane way.

Shana: Hold on, hold on. I’m not about to let y’all attack my sister Lisa who came all the way out here from Temecula to be my date. Now maybe she’s a type of siste that you just can take nowhere.

Lisa: I know that’s right.

Shana: Oh no, Lisa. Maybe she’s such a bad listener, it makes you wonder is this woman hard of hearing?

Lisa: Now what you saying, I know that’s right.

Shana: When it’s all said and done, it’s my blood right here. And she better not have one dry leaf in that damn bowl.

Lisa: Toss my salad. You know what? Y’all done piss me off. I lost my appetite. I’m leaving.

Kelly: Where is she from again?

Lisa: Temecula.

Kenan & Kelly

[Starts with Kenan being interviewed]

Man: So how did this all come about?

Kenan narrating: It all happens so fast.

[Cut to one week ago. Keke Palmer visits Kenan]

Keke: Oh, Kenan Thompson, the legend.

Kenan: Keke, you having fun?

Keke: Yes, I’m working with my idols.

Kenan: Oh, stop it.

Keke: No, no, seriously, man, I grew up watching you as a kid. I’ve always wanted to work with you. I’ve actually got an idea for this project. I’d love to talk to you about later if that’s cool.

Kenan: Absolutely. Anything with Keke Palmer’s name on it, I’m there no questions asked.

Keke: For real? Because I got this idea for reboot.

Kenan: A reboot? Of what?

[cut to Kenan and Kelly show intro with Kenan Thompson and Keke Palmer as Kelly]

[Cut to Kenan at interview]

Kenan narrating: I should have asked questions. I thought it was gonna be a Jordan Peele produce streaming series. I want to say yes to Kenan & Kel. But now it’s just Kelly.

Keke narrating: I had already sold the show before I even met Kennan. I told the producers we wrote it together.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Kelly: Ha-ha. With this place in the shake on kin, because of me, Rigby now sells fresh sushi.

Kenan: Yeah, maybe too fresh.

Mikey: Kelly. I think that salmon you caught might be a Parana. [a fish is biting Mikey’s hand]

Kelly: Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kenan narrating: Kel’s famous catchphrase was “Oh, here it goes.” Keke decided to say “Oh, here comes the bus.” But there were no bus.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Kenan: Come on, Kelly. You can’t keep taking orange sodas.

Kelly: Just put it on my tab. I’m good for it.

Kenan: Okay. [pulls out a really long list of Kelly’s list] $5,000 with the orange sodas Kelly?

Kelly: Don’t yell at me. Because guess what? I’m pregnant with your child.

Kenan narrating: Keke was gunning for an Emmy Award. So she wanted really dramatic moments in it. And I thought that won’t work. And I was right.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show]

Mikey: Hey, Kelly, did you fix the Shush-O machine?

Kelly: Yeah. Good as new. Try out, Kenan.

Kenan: Don’t mind if I do. I’ve been craving a delicious Slush-O for weeks now. [smoke’s coming out of the machine] That seems odd. [the juice pours all over Kenan] No! Kelly, why would you tell me it is fixed. You are such an…

Kelly: What? An idiot? Go ahead. Say it. It ain’t like I haven’t heard it before. My mama used to get drunk every day and call me idiot. That’s what it’s like growing up in Iraq. Sometimes the bottle’s only your friend. My uncle told her to blame me for my daddy leaving. Me! How are you gonna blame a little girl for that man being a coward? How? Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kenan narrating: Well, we discarded and I think we have a tone issue. But people seem excited about it, I guess.

[Cut to backstage]

Devon: Hey Kenan.

Kenan: Hey Devin. Good job on the song man.

Devon: Thank you man. I can do other stuff too though. Check this out. [Devon acting like Kel] Welcome to get back home and again Barry Buchanan take your order. I’m a dude. He’s a dude. She’s a dude. Because we’re all dudes. Ay. Stuff like that.

Kenan: Well thank you Devin.

Devon: Of course.

Kenan: But I think we already found someone.

[Cut to Kenan and Kelly show. Kel walks in.]

Kel: Hey, everybody.

All: Kel!

Kel: Oh man, I missed you.

Kenan: Oh man, I missed you too.

[Kenan and Kel open their arms. Kel runs with his open arms, but reaches for soda fridge.]

Kel: Oh, who love orange soda? Kel loves orange soda. Oh sweet baby.

Kenan: Kel, it’s been so long man. What’s you been up to?

[James walks in wearing all black]

James: Hands up, everybody. This is a robbery. Give me all the money in the register.

Kel: Oh, no, you’re not still gonna dime, Mr. Robber. Kenan, you’ve been wondering where I’ve been at right? I’ve been learning the art of karate. Going for this Kel, fool!

[Kel jumps at James. James shoots at Kel.]

Kel: Ah!

Kenan: No.

Kelly: Kel! Oh, don’t die on me.

Kenan: Don’t go into the light.

Kelly: My baby needs his father. You heard that right, Kenan? Kel’s the father. I slept with him just to hurt you. Why do I hurt the ones I love the most? Oh-oh, here comes the bus.

Kel: Ah, here it goes.

[Kel dies]

Kenan: Noooooo!

Kenan narrating: The show is not good. But Jordan Peele called us.

Devon: He wants us to do a sequel to Nope.

Weekend Update Life Coach Kelly Party on Positive Thinking

Michael Che

Kelly Party… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: During the pandemic thousands of adults in the US have been dealing with mental health issues. Here to talk about the power of positive thinking is life coach Kelly Party.

[Kelly Party slides in dancing. The song I love it by Icona Pop is playing.]

Kelly Party: Yeah, SNL! “I don’t care, I love it!” That song is my bible.

Michael Che: Okay. Well, how are you doing, Kelly Party? So, what qualifies you to be a life coach?

Kelly Party: Well, I have a PhD in believing your dreams from Myself college. I’m here to change your life, Michael Che. So, have you met your goal?

Michael Che: What goal?

Kelly Party: The goal I decided you need to meet, Michael. Your mission is to dominate Update. I want you to take all the jokes so Colin Jost has none.

Michael Che: I don’t think I can do that, Kelly Party.

Kelly Party: Okay. So, you suck. Right off the bat, you’re blowing it. You know what I say to that?

Michael Che: What?

[Kelly Party signals to the sound team. The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Kelly Party: I love it. That’s right. I don’t care. Michael Che sucks tonight and I love it.

Michael Che: Okay wait, Kelly Party, that doesn’t really help me because I do care and I don’t love that.

Kelly Party: Oh, you know my favorite thing about you, Michael? It’s your name. Michael Che. Re-arrange the letters, what does it spell?

Michael Che: I don’t know.

Kelly Party: It spells good, good, good, good guy.

Michael Che: There’s no ‘G’ in my name.

Kelly Party: Hey wardrobe! Wardrobe! Could we get this guy a handkerchief? Because he’s sweating the small stuff. Lorne, play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

I love it. Michael Che can’t spell. And you know what? I actually love it. I actually love it.

Michael Che: Listen. Kelly Party, you’re a life coach, right? You have to give me a technique that isn’t just a pop song.

Kelly Party: Okay. You want the Master Class, Michael. You want positivity? You want peace? Okay, I’m all about peace. Okay. And what did I say my favorite thing about you was?

Michael Che: I’m a good guy.

Kelly Party: A goo guy. [raises her index and pinky fingers] My Spider-man. You could save the world, Michael. Okay, let’s Spider-man, because get this, okay? What if Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs? If Spider-man shot peace out of his webs instead of webs, then we would have no bad guys. Spider-man would just shoot peace out of his webs instead of webs then we would have peace, guys. Then we wouldn’t have bad guys anymore, then we would have peace. You know what? I don’t know. Michael Che sucks. Play my song.

[The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.]

Michael Che: No, wait! Stop the music! Stop playing the– Kelly!

Kelly Party: What?

Michael Che: There’s no way I’m going to pay you hundreds of dollars–

Kelly Party: Thousands, Michael.

Michael Che: You charge thousands of dollars for this?

Kelly Party: Yes, I don’t care. I love it.

Michael Che: Honestly, I respect it. Lorn, play that sone again. [The song I love it by Icona Pop starts playing.] Kelly Party, everybody! For Weekend Update, I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Weekend Update Democrats Delay Infrastructure Vote R Kelly Found Guilty

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Weekend Update intro]

Announcer: It’s Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

[cheers and applause]

[Cut to Colin Jost and Michael Che in their new set]

Colin Jost: Good evening.

Michael Che: Welcome to Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost.

[Cut to Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of a calendar on October Michael Che0Michael Che0 page at left top corner.]

Very nice to be back with you. First show last season, covid was raging everywhere. There was no vaccine. We were in the middle of intense election. Just before we went on the air, the producers were like, “Hey, real quick. The president might be dying. Anyway, have fun out there.” It was exciting time for the show. Big story this year… Infrastructure. I guess that’s an improvement on survival of the human race level, but it’s not great for TV. So, we can all just pretend to be excited about this next joke. I’d really appreciate it.

[The picture changes to Capitol building]

The Infrastructure bill has been delayed indefinitely. So, I guess we’ll just cross that bridge when it collapses on top of us.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of Joe Biden at right top corner.]

Michael Che: President Biden met with house of democrats yesterday to make a case for his build back better budget plan. No matter what you think of Biden’s plan, you got to admire the confidence of a guy with a stutter naming something the Build Back Better budget plan.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Joe Biden getting a vaccine at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Biden also got his covid booster shot at the White House live on camera and based on this photo, it either really hurt… or felt really good.

[Picture changes to logo o Pfizer]

Pfizer has also submitted data to the FDA to approve it’s covid vaccine for kids under 11, which means they could be vaccinated by Halloween. Because what goes better with Halloween than needles? [Picture changes to a chocolate bar having needles inside it.]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of MERCK capsules at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Pharmaceutical company MERCK announced that it has developed an experimental antiviral pill that can treat people infected with covid. The treatment is just waiting for approval from either FDA or The Joe Rogan Experience.

[Picture changes to R. Kelly]

Singer R. Kelly was found guilty of racketeering and sex trafficking this week but won’t be sentenced until next May. After R. Kelly’s lawyers successfully negotiated, one more school year. In the wake of the R. Kelly verdict, there’s a growing movement online to music streaming services to remove his music. I mean after all, streaming is basically what got him in trouble in the first place.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a cross and a vaccine.]

Welcome back, Colin.

Colin Jost: It’s hard to transition out of that. Well, some catholics– [audience laughing] Some catholics around the country are claiming religious exemption to the covid vaccine. Because there’s nothing more catholic than letting someone else die for your sins.

 

Chantix Commercial

Kelly… Cecily Strong

[Chantix tablets commercial starts with Kelly sitting to give her testimonial.]

Female voice: Chantix presents, real stories, real people.

Kelly: I’m Kelly and I quit smoking with Chantix.

Female voice: Kelly is a real Chantix user. She is not an actress.

Kelly: Well, actually, it’s funny for you to say that because, you know, I used to be an actress.

Female voice: But she’s not anymore. She’s just here to give a testimonial.

Kelly: Alright.

Female voice: Unlike other methods, Chantix works by reducing the urge to smoke.

[Cut to Kelly in her kitchen]

Kelly: And that’s an urge I used to get constantly. Chantix was different. Sort of like, my take on Philia in the Village Player’s Prouction of Hamlet.

Female voice: But that was just community theater. So, let’s get back to Chantix.

Kelly: Well, okay, it won an award. So…

Female voice: For acting?

Kelly: We won for custumes.

[Cut to Kelly singing and dancing in her living room]

Now that I’ve quit smoking, I have more energy to do the things that matter to me. Like, gardening. Or workshopping characters from my one woman show. But don’t take my word for it. Ask my nana from the old country. [Kelly wears a scarf around her head and starts acting like an old lady] [yelling] Ah, you shouldn’t have smiled.

Female voice: But we’re not talking to that person. We’re talking to Kelly. About Chantix.

[Cut to Kelly sitting on a sofa in her living room]

Kelly: When I had kids, I knew I had to give up smoking. But when I tried quitting without Chantix, I was like, [acting] “The burden bears so heavily upon–”

Female voice: But right now, Kelly should really be focusing on her success with Chantix because she’s a real person, not an actress.

[Cut to Kelly crying]

Kelly: [sobbing] When I was a little girl I told myself, “You are gonna– You are gonna be somebody.”

Female voice: [interrupting] No one’s buying it, Kelly.

Kelly: Dammit. [Kelly turns off her background music on music player and walks away.]

Female voice: Side affects of Chantix may include nausea, fatigue–

[Kelly runs back and turns off the music again]

Kelly: It’s a boombox. It’s a boombox. Fine.

Female voice: –dry mouth, and kidding yourself about your level of talent.

[Cut to Kelly smoking outside her house.]

Kelly: Here’s the thing, I will do nudity. Full. The top and the under. The whole night.

Female voice: Chantix. Real stories, real people. Not actors.

Kelly: I’m talking full bush.

Hollywood Game Night

Jane Lynch… Kate McKinnon

Kelly… Venessa Bayer

Vin Diesel… Taran Killam

Wynonna Judd… Aidy Bryant

Common … Jay Pharoah

Eddie… Kyle Mooney

Nick Offerman… Beck Bennett

Marion Cotillard… Cecily Strong

Wanda Sykes… Taraji P. Henson

[Starts with Hollywood Game Night intro]

[Cut to the game stage]

Jane Lynch: Yes! Yes! You’re watching Hollywood Game Night. I am Jane Lynch. Men’s warehouse was right. I do like the way I look. Here’s how the show works. We pair two regular people with celebrities and they play series of dumb games for a chance to win $25,000. Let’s meet the team from Tulsa, it’s Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly]

Kelly: Woo! Let’s do this, Jane!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Settle! Playing for Kelly from Furious 7, we got Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: No. I’m Vin Diesel.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yikes! Yikes! Country music legend, Wynonna Judd.

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Oh, am I on TV? Well, let me brush my hair so I look good for mama. Oh, not to brag, but this is the same brush they use on horses.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And finally we got Oscar winning musician, Common.

[Cut to Common]

Common: I play tonight on behalf of every black man who was ever struggle. Look how far we’ve come, brothers. Here I am, on top of the mountain.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Whoof! Keep climbing. Alright, we’re gonna meet our other team, it’s Eddie.

[Cut to Eddie]

Eddie: Hey, Jane. I’m psyched to be here.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: And I am psyched to be done with Glee. Yes! Playing for Eddie from Parks and Recreation, it’s Nick Offerman and his mustache.

[Cut to Nick Offerman]

Nick Offerman: What? It’s back? I shaved it 10 minutes ago.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: French actress and Oscar winner, the beautiful Marion Cotillard.

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: Oh, Jane, that’s so nice of you. In France, I am considered 7, but here in America I am… um, you see… 300!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Yeah. And finally stand up comedy legend, we got Wanda Sykes.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: That’s right. I am a legend. The hell am I doing here?

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Alright, let’s get into our first game. It’s called Hollywoof. We’ll take a movie poster, replace the actors with dogs and you guess the film. That’s a real game that will be played by the millionaires. Let’s see the clue, time starts now.

[A poster of Titanc appears on the game screen, but the actors are replaced by the dogs.]

[Cut to Vin Diesel]

Vin Diesel: I got this! Dog Boat!

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Wynonna Judd]

Wynonna Judd: Jane, I know the answer and I’d like to give it in the form of a 7 minute song about the lord. [singng] He left me up…

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Common. Do you know the movie?

[Cut to Common]

Common: Selma.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Unrecognized once again! Why not Selma? That is the question we have been asking ourselves! But we must be brave this day. Glory!

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: My god! It’s Titanic! Oh! Eddie’s team, the next game is called Namous Fames. We jumbled the letters of celebrities’ names and you guess who it is. It’s created by the adults who were fed up of their work. Here’s the clue, time starts now.

[The screen shows “Brad Ttip” on the screen.]

Nick Offerman, you’re up!

[Cut to Nick Offerman. He has more mustache now.]

What the hell?

Nick Offerman: Jane, it appears my mustache is still growing. It cannot be stopped. And Jane, it’s angry.

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Marion Cotillard]

Marion Cotillard: I do not know the answer, but we simply must win because if we lose I will cry, and when I cry, I cry in French like this.

[The video turns black and white and has old movie effect]

[wrong answer buzzer]

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Wanda, you’re a smart woman. Tell me who this is.

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: This is so easy. You got an A, B, R and A. Couple of Ts, so it’s obvious who that is. it’s Raba TT.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: Who is Raba TT?

[Cut to Wanda Sykes]

Wanda Sykes: I don’t know. You wrote the clue! Tall ass white lady asking me who Raba TT is.

[Cut to Jane Lynch]

Jane Lynch: The answer is Brad freaking Pitt. Okay, since no one’s done anything right, it’s time for the tie breaker. Each team picks a celebrity to represent them. Kelly.

[Cut to Kelly and Vin Diesel]

Kelly: I’ll go with Vin Diesel because he’s breathing so hard. I think he needs to get up and move around.

[Cut to Eddie’s team]

Eddie: I’m gonna pick Wanda Sykes.

Wanda Sykes: Yeah, of course you do. Looking at this sad ass couch, I would have picked me too.

[Cut to everybody. Vin Diesel and Wanda Sykes walk to Jane Lynch.]

Jane Lynch: Alright, here’s the game. I’m gonna give you the beginning of a movie quote, you finish it. Oh, Vin baby, you’re first. Let’s do this. Luke, I am your…

Vin Diesel: Worst nightmare!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Okay. Wanda, Wanda, Wanda. Finish the line. I feel the need, the need…

Wanda Sykes: To leave. I don’t like the way this man is looking at me. He looks like a big toe on a t-shirt. All these people be crazy… which is inside of my new stand up special coming soon to HBO, yeah baby!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Jane Lynch: Alright. Enough! Enough! This has been Hollywood Game Night. I’m Jane Lynch and I’m getting out of here right this second. Boom!

[End]

Cop Christmas | Season 44 Episode 9

Kelly… Matt Damon

Carl… Kenan Thompson

Connor… Beck Bennett

Captain… Alec Baldwin

Paul… Kyle Mooney

Maureen… Cecily Strong

Rhonda (Bartender)… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with a shot of a bar]

Kelly: All right, another round for everybody. [Everybody sitting in the bar drinking bar] I’m buying this time.

Rhonda: You got it.

Carl: Oh, Kelly’s buying.

Connor: That’s what I call a Christmas miracle.

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Kelly: Just for that, make his smaller than everybody else’s.

Paul: His wife told me somebody did.

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: Good one, Paul.

Connor: At least I still have a wife [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] to go home to, Paul.

Kelly: I bet Paul [Cut to everyone] would settle for a home at this point. [Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Captain and Carl]

Captain: You aren’t get any action sleeping at your sister’s house.

Carl: But I am!

Everybody: Oh!

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Paul: You guys are breaking my balls. Come on now!

Kelly: Reminds me, Paul, I got you a little Christmas present here. It’s a gift certificate to that new massage parlor downtown. Y

[Cut to Captain and Carl][Everybody laughing]

Captain: Yeah. For your lonely nights.

[Cut to Paul and Kelly]

Kelly: No, but really, it’s pretty nice place. [Emotional music playing in the background] It’s a full spa. They do really good massages, facials, hot stones. I know we break balls a lot. But you’re a good guy.

Paul: You know what? I can actually use this, thanks.

Kelly: I hope you do.

Paul: Thanks, man.

Kelly: Hey, Paul, Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Carl, Paul and Kelly]

Carl: Hey, Paul, I got you a little something too.

Paul: Really, Carl?

Carl: [Carl takes out a box and gives it to Paul] Yeah, sure.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: Headphones, hey, for what?

Carl: For when me and your sister get a little too loud at night! [Cut to everybody laughing] No, but seriously, [Cut to Carl and Paul] I know that can’t be easy for you, man. I mean I’m having sex with your little sister. You’re right there on the couch.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Those walls are paper thin. You must hear everything.

[Cut to Carl and Paul]

Paul: I just mind my business. It’s cool.

Carl: No, it’s not cool! It’s not cool at all! And I know we break balls a lot. Right? [Cut to everybody agreeing] Yeah, we break a lot of balls. We’ve been friends since the academy. [Cut to Carl and Paul] I would hate to put a strain on that.

Paul: Say here, they’re noise-canceling beats by Dre. You must have paid a lot of dough for these.

Carl: Some of the boys gypped in.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Yeah, some of us felt pretty rotten about nailing her too.

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: Thanks. That means a lot, Captain. I’m just happy she’s with you guys, and not some jerks.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Hey, Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Merry Christmas. Hey, is this a party or what?

[Maureen walks behind them]

Kelly: Where are you going? [Cut to Carl, Maureen, Paul and Kelly] Do a round with us, Maureen, come on.

Paul: It’s not like you have plans on a Friday night!

Maureen: Its’ a nice night, Paul. I figured I’d go let your mother out for a walk. [Everybody laughing]

Paul: You know what, Maureen, [Cut to Everybody] I think my mother would really like that. [Cut to Maureen and Paul] This fresh air could really do her good.

Maureen: Yeah, I think so too. Merry Christmas, Paul.

Paul: Merry Christmas.

[Cut to Everybody]

Kelly: All right, let’s get those shots! [Rhonda brings the shots]

Connor: How do you like that, we’re getting shots from the worst shot on the force!

Paul: Hey, you’re the worst shot I have ever seen, Connor!

[Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor]

Connor: Yeah, right!

Paul: Yeah, remember when you accidentally shot my wife?

Connor: Who, Beverly?

Paul: Yes! I only had one wife and you shot her. What a goof!

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Who’s the boss tonight. [Captain takes the shot]

[Cut to Everybody]

Connor: Hey, look, Paul, I’m actually glad you brought that up [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] because—I haven’t been sleeping good since that all went down.

Paul: Hey, man, forget it. You know, it’s been months already.

Connor: No, no, let me say this, Paul. I shot your wife at your wedding. And I guess I had a few too many, and I messed up. Big time.

[Cut to Captain]

Captain: Any one of us could have shot his wife at their wedding.

Connor: Yeah, sure, [Cut to Paul, Kelly and Connor] but I did. If I’m being honest, part of me still feels like it’s the reason she left you that night. I’m sorry, okay. I’m truly sorry, man. [Connor stands and leaves]

Paul: Wait, Connor. [Connor pauses] Merry Christmas.

Connor: Merry Christmas, man.

Kelly: Merry Christmas, Connor.

Carl: Merry Christmas.

Paul: Hey, Rhonda, put everything on my tab.

[Cut to Rhonda]

Rhonda: They’ve already been using your card. It’s 2 grand!

[Everybody laughing]

[Cut to Everybody]

Paul: You guys breaking balls! [Everybody laughing]