Tag: Kellyanne Conway

Biden Victory Cold Open

Wolf Blitzer… Beck Bennett

John King… Alex Moffat

Joe Biden… Jim Carey

Kamala Harris… Maya Rudolph

Donald Tump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Chloe Fineman

[Starts with CNN Election Night intro] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer at his set]

Wolf Blitzer: Welcome back to what has become election week in America. I’m Wolf Blitzer and I have been awake so long that my weird beard finally makes sense. I’m joined by John King who has been operating our touch screen for the past 85 hours.

[Cut to John King]

How are you John?

John King: Oh, I’m great, Wolf. Thanks. My fingers are knobs, but I think that’s normal. [John King shows his fingers. He has no fingers.]

Wolf Blitzer: And for the folks at home who’ve been obsessively watching cable news all week. We’ve been teasing a big announcement and today it’s finally here. CNN can now project that Joe Biden will be the next president president of the Unites States. [cheers and applause] I know I’m supposed to be a neutral news anchor but god dammit that feels good. Whoo!

[Wolf Blitzer and John King do high-five.]

We go now live to president elect Biden who is taking the stage in Wilmington, Delaware.

[Cut to Joe Biden walking to the stage.] [cheers and applause]

Joe Biden: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much, America. We did it. Can you believe it? I honestly kind of can’t. It’s been so long since something good happened. Sure it took forever. We kept edging close and closer. It was like having sex with Sting. What a release, man! I’ve never felt so alive. Which is ironic because I’m not that alive. And look, as I’ve said many times, I don’t care whether you voted for me or not. I’m going to be president for all Americans. That’s right. Whether you’re from a liberal state like California, or a conservative state like Oklahoma, or a cracked out hot mess like Florida, I will be your president. And I will have an incredible VP at my side. Senator Kamala Harris.

[Kamala Harris walks in] [cheers and applause]

I said it right?

Kamala Harris: Yes. You got it, Joe. Thank you, everybody. Like Joe, I am humbled and honored to be the first female– [cheers and applause] Yes, the first female, the first black, [cheers and applause] the first Indian-American, [cheers and applause] and the first bi-racial vice president. And if any of that terrifies you, well I don’t give a font. Also, my husband will be the first second gentleman, and he’s Jewish. So, between us, we checked more boxes than a disqualified ballot. And to all the little black and brown girls watching right now, I just want to say this. The reason your mom is laughing so much tonight is because she’s drunk. And the reason she’s crying is because she’s drunk. Your mom is going to switch from laughing to crying to dancing pretty much all night. And it’s not because she’s crazy, it’s coz she’s drunk.
Joe Biden: Tonight, we’re not going to stand here and gloat.

Kamala Harris: Well, maybe–

Joe Biden: We’re not rubbing our victory in everybody’s face.

Kamala Harris: But like, just a tiny bit?

Joe Biden: We’re humbly accepting this victory.

Kamala Harris: Exactly, and I’m just going to play a quick song on my phone.

[Kamala Harris plays a song that says “You about to lose Donald Trump”. Joe Biden and Kamala Harris start dancing.] [Cut to Wolf Blitzer]

Wolf Blitzer: Alright. Hold that dance for just a moment because people don’t just want to see Biden and Kamala happy, they also want to see Trump sad. So, let’s check in on the president’s concession speech which I’m sure will be gracious and factual.

[Cut to Donald Tump in the White House] [cheers and applause]

Donald Tump: Good evening. Thank you. Thank you for coming to watch my victory speech tonight. As anyone who died halfway through Tuesday knows, I was reelected president of the United States. But of course they’re trying to steal the election away from me. Come on, let’s hear it. Stop the count! Stop the count!

[Kellyanne Conway walks in and whispers on Donald Tump’s ear]

What’s that? I’m behind? Okay, then count all the votes! Count all the votes! Every last votes! But we all know this election was rigged. Just look at the map. There was no blue wave. It was a red wave across the whole country.

[Kellyanne Conway pulls in a map. The whole USA map is marked red but it’s for the covid-Wolf Blitzer9 cases.]

Show them the map, Kelly. See? So much red. So much red.

Kellyanne Conway: Oops! Sorry, this is the covid map.

Donald Tump: Okay, the map’s not important, okay? Put the map away! No one wants to see the map. Thank you, Kelly. The fact is I was winning on Tuesday. Then they started whittling it away my votes, whittling them down until there was only a wittle bit weft. But I vow to all my supporters, I will fight this thing to the bitter end. I will never give up and neither should you.

[Donald Tump walks towards a piano]

Hey. Let me remind all of you who I really am.

[music playing] [singing] Ae, ae, macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man
macho, macho man
I’ve got to be a macho man

And this isn’t goodbye, America. I’m just going to say, see you in court!

[Cut to Joe Biden and Kamala Harris]

Kamala Harris: Well, unlike President Trump, we do accept the results of this election.

Joe Biden: We’re not mad at them. We have to act graciously at victory though. We need to go forward together. Unfortunately, there are situations in life and this is one of them. Well, there must be a winner and … [mocking] llllllloser! lllooo… ser!!

Joe Biden, Kamala Harris and Donald Tump: And live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.

What I Did For Trump

Sarah Palin… Tina Fey

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Michael Wolff… Fred Armisen

Stormy Daniels… Cecily Strong

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

Omarosa Manigault… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Sarah Palin in the White House.]

Sarah Palin: Hello, it’s me. [cheers and applause] It’s me, the ghost of Sarah Palin. No, I’m just kidding. I’m still alive. But you had to think about it, didn’t you? Here is a refresher. I was the first female on a republican presidential ticket and now I get paid to tweet for Bass Pro Shops. Take it from me, politics is a wild ride. One minute you’re on top and then you’re gone in a blink of a Scaramucci. Well, I have a message for all the people in the Trump White House. Enjoy your moment. Who knows how long it will last?

[music playing] [singing] Kiss today goodbye
the sweetness and the sorrow
wish me luck the same to you

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders walks in]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, hi, Sarah.

Sarah Palin: Oh, hey, Sarah.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Well, isn’t it funny that our names are both Sarah, when we’re both classic Beckies?

Sarah Palin: Oh! You’re doing good though. You’ve lasted longer in the White House than most.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Oh, I know. But all my friends are gone. You know. It’s like saved by the bell the new class and I’m screeching, I’m just still there for some reason.

Sarah Palin: Sarah, what if today was the last day you were working for Trump?

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Hmm…

[singing] Kiss White House goodbye
and point me towards FOX News
I did what he said to do
and I might regret what I did for Trump
what I fed for Trump

[Kellyanne Conway floats down from the above]

Kellyanne Conway: [singing] What, I am my regard
and as we travel on
and we’ll always remember, okay?

[Michael Wolff walks in]

Sarah Palin: Aww.

Michael Wolff: Sarah, how are ya?

Sarah Palin: Hey, Michael Wolff. You were everywhere after you wrote that book “Fire & Fury.” Then you kind of disappeared, didn’t ya?

Michael Wolff: Well, I’m gonna be back because I’m writing a book about Jared and Ivanka. Did you know they’er actually the same person? That’s why you never see them together.

Sarah Palin: Is it true?

Michael Wolff: Yeah, sure, whatever.

[singing] I won’t say I lied
all of a sudden we care about facts
but juke was mine to borrow
oh, come on, you love it
I did what I had to do
won’t regret, you’ll forget,
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Miss Stormy Daniels, everybody.

[Two men carry Stormy Daniels by her arms and brings her in]

Stormy Daniels: [singing] Gone, they wish I were gone
as time travels on
I will be remembered

You can check out my ted-talk on sex value politics. Or catch me on my star sprinkled boner to earth this weekend at “Squeeze and Splat Pals.”

[Rex Tillerson walks in] [cheers and applause]

Rex Tillerson: Howdy, y’all?

Sarah Palin: Aw, Rex Tillerson. You were fired months ago. You look great!

Rex Tillerson: Oh, yeah. Being fired by Trump was the best thing that ever happened to me. I’m the only man ever to go into a situation on scaith and come out unscaith. Trump was the biggest mess I’ve ever dealt with and I work for Exxon Mobil.

[singing] Kiss today goodbye
and point me toward tomorrow

Sarah Palin: Point him towards tomorrow

Rex Tillerson: You do what you have to do
don’t forget, I regret
what I did for Trump

Stormy Daniels: What I did with Trump

Sarah Palin: I would work for Trump.

Oh, hi, Omarosa.

[Omarosa Manigault walks in]

Omarosa Manigault: Look, Trump thinks he fired me but I fired myself.

[singing] Kiss my ass goodbye
and point me towards a book deal

All: We did what we had to do
won’t forget, can’t regret
what I did for Trump
what I did for Trump

Sarah Palin: Nothing wrong with doing dancing with the stars. Just don’t do a quick step on the first week. It’s too darn hard.

All: What I did for Trump

This Is U.S.

Ben Carson… Sterling K. Brown

Heidi Gardner.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders

Jared Kushner… Pete Davidson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[starts with message video]

Male voice: Millions of Americans have tuned into the show that’s captivating a nation.

[Cut to Ben Carson reading in his desk. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Dr. Ben Carson, what’s wrong?

Ben Carson: All of it. All of it is wrong.

Male voice: A drama so unnerving, you can’t look away.

[Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders on press confereince]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: This whole thing with the president having sex with a pornstar, it just didn’t happen. [There’s a sticky note on the podium with “Stop lying Sarah” written on it. Sarah Huckabee Sanders sees it. She tears it out. Underneath, there’s another sticky note with “Seriously, what are you doing?” written on it.]

Male voice: The number one drama in America.

[Cut to Jared Kushner. His room if full of empty liquor bottles. He has a bottle full of liquor in his hands.]

Jared Kushner: United Arab Emirates? Hey, this is Jared Kushner. Is there anyway that I can borrow like, $800 million?

[Jared Kushner throws the bottle on the wall and breaks it.]

Male voice: NBC presents, this is US. The real life drama happening in our government everyday. The show critics are calling, “Like, ‘This Is Us’, but without the parts that feel good.”

[Cut to Ben Carson with his wife]

Ben Carson: Baby, I’m scared.

Ben’s wife: It’s okay. You’re gonna make a great surgeon general.

Ben Carson: No. I run the department of housing and urban development.

Ben’s wife: Ha-ha-ha-ha. That’s hilarious. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: Entertainment Weekly says, “You’ll be laughing through tears. Except without the laughing. So I guess just regular crying.” With loving tributes to the many, many people we’ve lost.

[Sarah Huckabee Sanders is crying over urns of Sean Spicer, Anthony Scaramucci and Hope Hicks.] [Cut to Sarah Huckabee Sanders sitting with Kellyanne Conway]

Sarah Huckabee Sanders: Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: You’re growing up to be just like me. Maybe even better. Meaning, worse.

Male voice: And of course, there’s hella crying.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway sobbing. But she stops immediately]

Kellyanne Conway: No. I can’t cry. Ha-ha. I have nothing in me.

Male voice: This is US. This is real.

White House Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Michael Flynn… Mikey Day

Billy Bush… Alex Moffatt

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in White House]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. President, are you sure that you don’t want to stay at the Christmas party longer? Coz everyone is celebrating this huge tax bill. Mitch McConnell is serving everyone bourbon. I got so drunk I told the truth.

Donald Trump: Sorry, Kellyanne. I’m in poudy baby mode. This Flynn investigation has really got me down.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, come on, sir. The tax bill is your biggest achievement yet. In that, it is your only achievement.

Donald Trump: Sorry, I’m not in the Christmas spirit. The only thing that cheers me up with these hilarious Muslim videos that I’ve been retweeting. Lex Cruise says Barf Hamburg. So, please, you go ahead and enjoy the party.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Anything I can get you before I go?

Donald Trump: Um, yes. One little thing. I want you to withdraw $5 million from my bank account and put it in a duffle bag with my passport, a fake mustache and a bucket of chicken.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, sir. Goodnight.

Donald Trump: Thank you, Kellyanne. This is the time I’d like to reflect on all the good things I have done this year. It’ll only take a minute. [as Donald Trump is thinking, it gets all smoky] Wait, what’s that?

[Michael Flynn comes out of the smoke. He is chained.]

Michael Flynn: Donald J. Trump. Donald J. Trump!

Donald Trump: Oh god! You’ve come to get me. I knew it. It’s the Muslim stuff, right?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: It’s for calling Mexican rapists?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Roy Moore stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Draft dodging?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The birthing stuff?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: Pocahontas?

Michael Flynn: No.

Donald Trump: The Central Park fight? No, wait! Making fun of the handicapped Portland like this. [Donald Trump makes faces]

Michael Flynn: No, sir! Sir! I’m not here for any of that.

Donald Trump: So, who are you? Jacob Marley? You’ve got a lot of chains on.

Michael Flynn: No. I’m Michael Flynn. The ghost of witness Flict. Mr. President, I came to warn you. It’s time for you to come clean. For the good of the country.

Donald Trump: What the good of the?

Michael Flynn: The good of the country.

Donald Trump: The gobada-come-come?

Michael Flynn: This is serious, sir! The FBI got to me. Before all this, I had a great life, Donald. I was an honorable twice fired military man who loved to talk about how Hillary Clinton had a child sex ring in a pizza shop.

Donald Trump: Oh, Mikey, my man. You led the locker up, cheered the convention. Who knew you had so much dirt on you when you passed? If only somebody had warned me about you.

Michael Flynn: Well, president Obama did tell you not to hire me.

Donald Trump: I meant someone who is American.

Michael Flynn: Mr. President. There was a lot of people from your past that could come back to haunt you. Tonight, we’ll be visited by three of them. There’s the first one. No!

[Michael Flynn leaves. Billy Bush walks out of the smoke]

Donald Trump: Billy Bush?

Billy Bush: Um-hmm. Yep! I’m here to remind you of bad Hollywood tape, my man! Can you believe I got fired just for listening to you? Whoof! And then you got elected president. And now, you’re saying the bad tape isn’t even real? What?

Donald Trump: You’ll be fine, Billy. I’m sure you’ll find work again.

Billy Bush: Well, I hope so. Frankly, I’m looking pretty good in the NBC news division right about now. Remember Donald, these things catch up with all of us. If you worked at NBC right now, you’d be fired. Fired! Fired!

[Billy Bush slowly walks away]

Donald Trump: Wait! Come back! Where did you go?

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald? Where did who go?

Donald Trump: Melania, I’m sorry. I was just working.

Melania Trump: Okay, but come down to the party. You have to see my decorations. It’s a beautiful festive hallway of dead branches and mysterious shadows. And then when you open the elevator, blood comes out.

Donald Trump: Oh. Sounds wonderful but I’m so tired.

Melania Trump: Okay, but Donald, we need someone to put up the manger scene. Mike Pence was going to do it but his wife doesn’t want him playing with dolls because she’s afraid it will give him urges.

Donald Trump: Umm, I’m sorry, Melania. I can’t, but you go. I’ll be down in a minute. [Melania Trump walks out. The smokes appears again.] Oh, no. It’s happening again.

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the smoke. He is topless.]

Vladimir Putin: Hello, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Oh my! Vladimir? You must be my present.

Vladimir Putin: Of course. Donald, you can’t hide from me. I see and hear everything you do.

Donald Trump: Because you’re a ghost?

Vladimir Putin: Yes. I’m ghost. Listen, we put a lot of work into you. So much time and money. And you’re about to mess it all up. You seem so volatile.

Donald Trump: I’m sorry, Vladimir, but I promise I’ll be more diplomatic with North Korea and that fat little psycho who runs it.

Vladimir Putin: Whoa! Trump, you have to chill out, broski!

Donald Trump: Vladimir, look, I’ve always wanted to ask you this. Do you think I’m cool?

Vladimir Putin: Look, I have to go. Ha-ha.

Donald Trump: So, that’s a yes?

Vladimir Putin: I just have to go. Someone else is coming. They’re coming.

[Vladimir Putin walks out. Michael Flynn walks in again.]

Michael Flynn: Don’t you see, Mr. President? Any one of these spirits could bring you down. But the scariest one is yet to come. Oh, no! It approaches.

Donald Trump: Mike, I’m too scared to look.

[Someone walks out of smoke wearing a cloak covering the face.]

Oh, thank god, Steve Bannon. You’re here to save the day with your terrible white magic? Wait, who are you?

[When the person shows face, it’s Hillary Clinton]

Hillary Clinton: Ha-ha-ha. Merry Christmas! Ha-ha. [cheers and applause] It is I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, Ha-ha. You, Donald have given me the greatest Christmas gift of all. Sexual gratification in the form of your slow demise. You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to say this. Lock him up!

[Michael Flynn and Hillary Clinton walk out]

Donald Trump: No! No!

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald! Donald! Are you alright?

Donald Trump: Oh god, Melania, I’m so scared. These spirits, they showed me things. I know what I need to do now. I need to erase seasons 1 through 14 of The Apprentice, fire Robert Mueller, and live from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Kellywise

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Police… Kenan Thompson

Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]

Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?

Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.

Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?

[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]

Dammit!

[The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.

Anderson Cooper: Who are you?

Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.

Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?

Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.

Anderson Cooper: I have to go.

Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?

Anderson Cooper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.

Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.

Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?

Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.

Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.

[Cut to the police]

Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]

Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Rachel?

Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.

Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.

Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.

Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]

Anderson Cooper: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]

Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No!

[Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]

Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.

Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?

Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.

Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.

[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]

Police: Oh, damn!

[Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?

Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?

Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?

Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?

Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?

[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]

Donald Trump Hallelujah

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Eric Trump… Alex Moffat

Donald Trump Jr. …Mikey Day

Sarah Huckabee Sanders… Aidy Bryant

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Scarlett Johannson

[Starts with Donald Trump playing piano in stage]

Donald Trump: [singing] I’ve heard there was a secret chord
That David played, and it pleased the Lord
But you don’t really care for music, do you?

[Kellyanne Conway joins Donald Trump]

Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway: It goes like this, the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall and the major lift

[Mike Pence walks in and joins]

All: The baffled king composing Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Eric Trump and Donald Trump Jr. join]

All: Baby I’ve been here before
I’ve seen this room and I’ve walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya

[Sarah Huckabee and Steve Bannon as grim reaper join]

All: And I’ve seen your flag on the marble arch
And love is not a victory march
It’s a cold and it’s a broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[Melania Trump and Ivanka Trump join]

All: I did my best, it wasn’t much
I couldn’t feel, so I tried to touch
I’ve told the truth, I didn’t come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I’ll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah

[cheers and applause]

Donald Trump: I’m not giving up because I didn’t do anything wrong. [Donald Trump looks around] But I can’t speak for these people.

All: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Where in the World Is Kellyanne Conway?

Sasheer Zamata

Patrick Silva

Stephanie Malolo

Greg Lee

[Starts with show intro]

Female voice: The following game show is brought to you by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting. And by viewers like you.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to Sasheer at her desk]

Sasheer: She hasn’t been seen in weeks. No one knows where she is or what she’s up to. Gum Shoes, your mission today is to answer this question.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

[Cut to guys singing melody]

Chris: [singing] Used to be on TV on like, every single panel

one day we all woke up but she was no longer there
what could have happened? She is not on any channels
tell me where in the world is–

Kenan: Kellyanne Conway!

[Cut to Sasheer]

Sasheer: Let’s meet the Gum Shoes who can help us find her.

Male voice: He recently took a road trip across the country with his parents. [Patrick runs to his podium] He enjoys television and his friends. Meet Patrick Silva. And [Stephanie runs to her podium] she once saw a lizard at the zoo. She loves computers and lunch. Meet Stephanie Malolo.

Sasheer: I’m here to help them solve the case. It’s ACMI seior agent, Greg Lee.

[Greg Lee walks in]

Greg Lee: Hey, hey! Hey, Gum Shoes. Hope you’re excited. Today’s winner gets a trip for you and your mom to Sacramento. Now, are you guys ready to help us find Kellyanne Conway?

[Patrick and Stephanie look at each other]

Patrick: Well…

Stephanie: We don’t want to find her.

Greg Lee: Okay! Guess, that’s our show. [Melody singers come behind Greg Lee and start singing their melody] Seven weeks in a row and no one wants to find that woman.

Male voice: Where in the world is– Kellyanne Conway?

Jake Tapper

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Mike… Bobby Moynihan

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: And that will do it for us on ‘State of the Union’. As always, I’m Jake Tapper. Fareed Zakaria “GPS” is next.

Mike: And we’re out.

[bell ringing]

Jake Tapper: Alright, thanks everyone.

Mike: Hey, great show, man. And for what it’s worth, I think it was the right call not to let Kellyanne on today.

Jake Tapper: Thank you. I mean, the White House offered her. She just had too many credibility issues.

Mike: Yeah. I’m glad you drew the line.

Jake Tapper: Thanks. Well, have a good night, Mike.

Mike: Alright, man.

Jake Tapper: Back at it tomorrow.

Mike: Have a good night, Jake.

[Cut to Jake Tapper gettin in his apartment. As he is turning the lights on, Kellyanne Conway is in his kitchen.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hello, Jake. [Jake Tapper is shocked] Do you want a drink?

Jake Tapper: Jesus! Kellyanne, what the hell are you doing here?

Kellyanne Conway: I just want to be a part of the news, Jake.

Jake Tapper: And this is how you do it? By breaking into my apartment?

Kellyanne Conway: Well, what was I supposed to do? You weren’t answering my calls, you changed your number. I’m not going to be ignored, Jake!

Jake Tapper: You don’t get it, Kellyanne. You made up a massacre. We can’t have you on.

Kellyanne Conway: [flirting and getting close to Jake Tapper] But I miss the news. I want to get a mic. I want to feel that hot, black, mic pressed up against my skin. [trying to seduce Jake Tapper] Oh, is this the tie you wore on the news today? Smells like good news. Let me taste the news on your face.

[Kellyanne Conway licks Jake Tapper’s cheeks]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, no! We can’t have you on TV if you’re just going to keep lying!

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, fine. I’ll do something else. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a knife] I’ll do something really crazy. [Kellyanne Conway licks the knife] What if I do a free commercial for Ivanka’s shoes, life on air? Would you like that, baby?

Jake Tapper: What? No. That’s illegal.

Kellyanne Conway: So what? [Kellyanne Conway throws the knife and sticks it on the wall] It’s just a little ethics violation. Think of the clicks, Jake. Click, click, click. Don’t you see? I don’t do this for me. I do it for you. You need me. You need to press me.

Jake Tapper: No, I don’t.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, you do. You need to reach inside me and you need to pull out the truth.

Jake Tapper: You’re insane!

Kellyanne Conway: You’re a hunter, Jake! You know that the truth is? Your feet, you wanna chase it.

Jake Tapper: [yelling] Enough! It’s over, Kellyanne. You’re sick. You’re toxic. You are done.

Kellyanne Conway: We’ll see about that. If I can’t be on TV, I’ll go somewhere else. I’ll call Huff Po live.

Jake Tapper: No, you won’t. [Kellyanne Conway walks away and makes the phone call] No one watches that.

Female voice on phone: Hello, Huff Po live.

Kellyanne Conway: No. [Kellyanne Conway throws the phone away] [crying] Sorry, Jake. I just want to do my polls again.

[Jake Tapper walks to Kellyanne Conway and tries to comfort her. Suddenly Kellyanne Conway turns around and pulls a knife on Jake Tapper’s neck.]

Put me on the news, Jake!

Jake Tapper: Okay. Okay. I’ll text Fareed Zakaria. You can go on his show.

Kellyanne Conway: Fareed Zakaria? I have an office in the [bleep] White House.

Jake Tapper: Okay. What about Carol Stello?

Kellyanne Conway: Do I look like Kayliegh McEnany to you?

Jake Tapper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are you trying to f* me like I’m Kayliegh McEnany?

Jake Tapper: Okay! Okay! You can go on our show. Whatever you want. You win! Whatever you want!

[Kellyanne Conway leaves Jake Tapper]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, great. Thanks Jake.

Jake Tapper: [coughing] You’re a monster.

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no. I am just Kellyanne Conway and I always get my Kelly on con–

[Kellyanne Conway falls down out of the window] [screaming] Ahh!

Jake Tapper: No! Kellyanne! Oh my god!

[Jake Tapper looks down the window. Kellyanne Conway opens her eyes, fixes her broken body herself and stand.]

Are you okay?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, I am fine, but I do only have three lives left. See you on the news. [winks]

Kellyanne Conway

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro] [Cut to Jake Tapper in his news set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome back to The Lead. We’re speaking with Kellyanne Conway, Donald Trump’s campaign manager turned white house counselor.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake.

Jake Tapper: President Trump said his first foreign trip may be to meet with Vladimir Putin. Isn’t that troubling?

Kellyanne Conway: Actually, no, it’s not. And the thing to remember about Russia is that we won and I don’t know why you keep bringing up the election.

Jake Tapper: I’m not. I’m talking about Russia. Doesn’t Trump’s relationship with Putin concern you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Actually what does concern me is that she didn’t go to Michigan and she lost and we won and we did win.

Jake Tapper: Oh my god, why do you do this?

Kellyanne Conway: Do what, Jake?

Jake Tapper: Com on here every single day and do this. What do you get out of this?

Kellyanne Conway: I love Trump. And I believe in Trump. And the reason I joined his campaign is because I thought he was going to be the president for all people.

Jake Tapper: Really? That’s really what you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Mm, yes, that’s what I thought.

Jake Tapper: And that’s all you thought?

Kellyanne Conway: Well– [music starts playing] I guess if I’m being completely honest, Jake, I just also think–

[Kellyanne Conway starts dancing and singing] [singing] The name on everybody’s lips is gonna be, “Conway”
the lady raking in the chips is gonna be Conway
I’m gonna be a celebrity
that means somebody everyone knows
they’re gonna recognize my eyes,
my hair, my teeth, my boobs, my nose

Ooh, I’m gonna join sag

From just some dumb Blueberry farm I’m gonna be Conway
who says the lying’s not an art?
And when they google just okay
my name will come up before Kanye
Kellyanne Conway

[Cut back to the news set]

Jake Tapper: Now, Kellyanne, starting yesterday, you are now counselor to the president.

Kellyanne Conway: Mm-hmm. Yes, I am. I am that.

Jake Tapper: You have the president’s ear and a real opportunity to effect change in the White House.

[Kellyanne Conway looks surprised]

Kellyanne Conway: Oh my god, Jake, you’re right. Do you know what this means?

[singing] boys!

Boys: They’re gonna wait outside in line to get to see Conway
Kellyanne Conway: Think of those autographs I’ll sign, good luck to you

Boys: Conway!

Kellyanne Conway: An I’ll appear in a sleeveless dress on any show they’ll let me do

Boys: Meet the press, Anderson, Hannity, Fox & Friends

Kellyanne Conway: And if they I’ll do ‘The Chew’
Ooh, I’m a star
and the audience loves me and I love them
and they love me for loving them
and I love them for loving me
and we love each other

Hey, know what’s weird?
This time last year, I supported Ted Cruz
I said Donald Trump acted unpresidential
It’s on tape.

But hey, that’s show biz, Kel

Boys: She’s giving up her humdrum life

Kellyanne Conway: I’m gonna be Conway

Boys: She treats the news just like a play

Kellyanne Conway: And when the world goes up in flames
at least for now they knew my name
Kellyanne Conway

Donald Trump Christmas Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Rex Tillerson… John Goodman

[Starts with Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway in Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, it’s almost Christmas. Do we have to talk business now?

Kellyanne Conway: I am afraid so, Mr. Trump. I know you’ve been so busy out on your thank you tour.

Donald Trump: I had to do it. I just felt an obligation to thank all my supporters by standing in front of them while they cheer for me. Let’s get this over with. Are there any more cabinet picks left?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, we’re almost full, sir. Rick Perry has agreed to be secretary of energy.

Donald Trump: Is that a great choice? I saw him on Dancing With the Stars. This guy has so much energy. He’s just unpresidented. So now, all I have to do is pick who will be president.

Kellyanne Conway: That’s you, sir.

Donald Trump: Can I just do it three days a week like Howard Stern does?

Kellyanne Conway: I don’t think so.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what will you be doing in my administration?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, oh, what I’ve always done. Master Illusionist. Also, I’ve put together a list of people who have agreed to perform you inauguration at seven. [Kellyanne Conway pulls out a small piece of paper as the list]

Donald Trump: So many great names here. Really. I love them both.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Donald, enough with the working. Let’s do the Christmas.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Kellyanne, let’s take a break but stay close by, would you?

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, don’t worry. I’m handcuffed to you for all of histories.

[Kellyanne Conway walks out] [banging sound]

Donald Trump: What’s that sound?

Melania Trump: I think it’s coming from the chimney.

Donald Trump: Is it a ghost? Am I being scrooged? I hate that.

Melania Trump: Oh, Donald! I think it’s a–

[Vladimir Putin comes out of the chimney top nude with Santa’s gift sack]

Vladimir Putin: That’s right.

Donald Trump: Vladimir, this is such a great surprise.

Melania Trump: What are you doing here?

Vladimir Putin: I was just in town. You know, hiding in the walls.

Donald Trump: Okay, come in, come in. It’s so great to finally get a chance to talk in person. I composed an email to you but I haven’t even sent it yet.

Vladimir Putin: I know. Mr. Trump, I’m here because your CIA is saying that we Russians tried to make you win election.

Donald Trump: I know, all lies made up by some very bitter people who need to move on.

Vladimir Putin: So, you trust me more than American CIA?

Donald Trump: All I know is I won.

Vladimir Putin: Wow, this guy is blowing my mind. Donald, I want to state officially that we in Russia are so happy that you are US president.

Donald Trump: Oh, thank you.

Vladimir Putin: We think you’re the best candidate.

Donald Trump: Sure.

Vladimir Putin: The smartest candidate.

Donald Trump: No doubt.

Vladimir Putin: The Manchurian candidate.

Donald Trump: I don’t know what that means but it sounds tremendous.

Vladimir Putin: And since it is Christmas after all, you know, I got you a gift. [Vladimir Putin pulls out a doll from the sack] This is Elf on the Shelf. He’s fun. You just put it right here next to your internet router. [Vladimir Putin puts the doll over the chimney next to the internet router] [sound of machine turning]

Yeah, you keep it there all year. It’s fun. Yes?

Donald Trump: Yeah. it’s beautiful, Vladimir. I’m sorry but I didn’t know you were coming, so I do not have a gift for you.

Vladimir Putin: Please, Mr. Trump, you are the gift.

[Melania Trump walks in]

Melania Trump: Um, Donald, can we talk?

Donald Trump: Of course, excuse us, Vladimir.

[Donald Trump goes to a corner with Melania Trump]

Melania Trump: Donald, I do not trust this man. Okay? Think of it this way. He’s a person you did not know who came from a foreign country and just started flattering you, what would you do?

Donald Trump: Marry them.

Melania Trump: Donald, no. You must tell this man to leave.

Donald Trump: Okay, Melania. Alright. [walks to Vladimir Putin] Vladimir, I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to go. Frankly, it might not look– it might look bad for us to be seen together.

Vladimir Putin: Brilliant observation. You are always so smart Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: You can stay as long as you want.

[Kellyanne Conway walks in]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, sir?

Donald Trump: Oh my god, it’s the ghost of Christmas past. Scrooged!

Kellyanne Conway: No, I’m not a ghost. This is just my face and hair. It’s Kellyanne. Um, your secretary of stage pick Rex Tillerson is here.

[Rex Tillerson walks in]

Rex Tillerson: Merry Chriatmas! Merry Christmas Mr. President elect. I just wanted to come by and– [sees Vladimir Putin] Pudie? Oh my god!

Vladimir Putin: Rexi baby.

[Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson starts celebrating in Russian language]

Rex Tillerson: Oh my star, Donald! You didn’t tell me Pudie was going to be here. Man, have I been hoping to catch up with you.

Vladimir Putin: As have I, old friend. So much to talk about. Hah? [Vladimir Putin pulls out a map] Right here, we’re having some oil drilling problems here.

Rex Tillerson: Oh, that’s no problem. As soon as the sanctions are lifted, we’ll up our intake by 30%.

Donald Trump: What are you guys talking about?

Vladimir Putin: Don’t worry about it.

Rex Tillerson: What about doubling production here in the Pechora sea?

Vladimir Putin: Already under way. Just have to take control of the Lomonosov Ridge. Our military is on it.

Donald Trump: And then we destroy vanity fair, right? They are terrible publication, just terrible.

Rex Tillerson: Sure buddy, sure. [to Vladimir Putin] You set up shop up on Lomonosov?

Vladimir Putin: Oh yes, for years. Great black crude there.

Donald Trump: Speaking of black and crude, I know Kanye. He came here. He’s using my colorist now. He just says whatever he feels. He’s like me, but a black.

Rex Tillerson: That’s cool, buddy. Excuse us for a sec.

Donald Trump: You’re not going to say “Live from New York” without me, right?

Rex Tillerson: No. We’d never do that.

Vladimir Putin: But maybe.

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin and Rex Tillerson: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.