The Lead with Jake Tapper Cold Open

Jake Tapper… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Walter White… Bryan Cranston

[Starts with The Lead with Jake Tapper intro] [Cut to Jake Tapper in his set]

Jake Tapper: Welcome to The Lead. I’m Jake Tapper and you’re watching CNN. Be careful on the elyptical. President elect Donald Trump has– he has made some unconventional picks for his cabinet. here to help make sense of this if Trump’s senior advisor Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, Jake. Happy to be here.

[Cut to Jake Tapper and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake Tapper: Kellyanne, Trump has nominated Oklahoma Attorney General Scott Pruitt to head the EPA even though he is a fossil fuel advocate that doesn’t believe in climate change.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Well, yes. Actually, it’s got Pruitt as excited for the job and he is protect us all from the environment.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Um, I’m not sure that’s how it works. This pick is not the only one that has people scratching their heads. There’s also the decision to name the CEO of Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s Andy Puzder as secretary of labor even though Puzder doesn’t support the minimum wage. Kenlyanne, it’s almost like Mr. Trump appoints these people specifically to undermine the very agencies they head. Are these bad picks?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: They are not bad. They are alt-good.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Wasn’t Donald Trump supposed to drain swamp?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Um-hmm, and actually, Mr. Trump is draining the swamp as he said he would, and the frogs and the toads the newts that are left who have mutations that allow them to survive are now his cabinet pets.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Ah! Now, as you know Kellyanne, we have breaking news. President elect Trump has just made his choice for the federal DEA, the federal drug enforcement agency, and it’s a high school science teacher from New Mexico named Walter Wright.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Hello, Jake.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Walter White]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is amazing. He came highly recommended by Steve Bannon.

Walter White: Oh, yeah. Steve’s the best. We’ve had some times.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Where did Mr. Bannon find you?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Under the comment section at Breitbart. And I’m really surprised he tracked me down because I’ve kind of been off the grid for a while.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And you’re a high school science teacher?

Walter White: Yeah.

Jake Tapper: Do you know anything about drug enforcement?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [laughs] Oh, trust me. I know the DEA better than anyone, inside and out.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: Mr. White, how did you even get considered for this job? Do you know Donald Trump?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: No. Nope. But I’m a big fan. I like his style. He acts first and then asks questions later. I also like that wall he wants to build. Nothing comes in from Mexico, meaning a lot less competition for the rest of us.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: You mean jobs?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: [smirks] Sure.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Walter is actually a genius with chemicals and we’re so lucky to get him. The top companies in the countries had been knocking in his door for years, but he never answered.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, I am the one who knocks.

[Cut to Jake Tapper]

Jake Tapper: And Mr. White, do you foresee any problems with congress considering your limited experience?

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Well, they might get hung up on the fact that I faked my own death. I’m only the third person in the Trump cabinet to do that.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. White is actually such a great fit for this administration. He is first and foremost in support of small business.

[Cut to Walter White]

Walter White: Oh, absolutely. Donald Trump and I agreed. It’s time to make America cook again. We want to fill this nation with red, white and a whole lot of blue. And let me tell you one more thing, Jake, like from New York, it’s Saturday night!

Donald Trump’s Security Briefing Cold Open

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Kenan Thompson

Alex Moffat

Mrs. Lemen… Aidy Bryant

Seth… Pete Davidson

John… Kyle Mooney

Melissa Villaseñor

Vanessa Bayer

Bobby Moynihan

[Starts with Mrs. Lemen in her class with students]

Mrs. Lemen: And that is another example of how Felker influenced Latin American literature. [message alert] Seth, I thought I told you to turn off your phone.

Seth: I’m sorry, Mrs. Lemen. I think someone retweeted me.

Mrs. Lemen: Seth, you’re just random kid in high school. Who would retweet you?

[Cut to Trump Tower]

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, I just retweeted the best tweet. I mean wow, what a great, smart tweet.

Kenan: Mr. Trump, we’re in a security briefing.

Donald Trump: I know, but this could not wait. It was from a young man named Seth. He’s 16, he’s in high school and I really did retweet him. Seriously. This is real.

Kellyanne Conway: He really did do this.

Kenan: Well, sir, you’re the president elect, so I guess you can do whatever you want but we’d really like to fill you in on Syria.

Donald Trump: God! Seth seems so cool. His twitter bio says he wants to make America great again.

Alex: That is cool, sir.

Donald Trump: It also says, he loves the Anaheim Ducks.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, see, there is a reason actually Donald retweets so much. He does it to distract the media from his business conflicts and all the very scary people in his cabinet.

Kenan: Oh. That does make sense.

Alex: Very clever sir.

Donald Trump: Actually, that’s not why I do. I do it because my brain is bad. But I promise I’m done retweeting. I’m ready to buckle down and get to work.

[two minutes later] [Cut to Melissa and John watching TV sitting on a couch]

Melissa: John, you’re not even watching the show.

John: Ay, sorry babe. You know I love to tweet. And you’ve seen my new profile picture? It’s a skull with two big guns going through his head. And then the infidel written above it.

Melissa: Babe, that’s psycho. You’re only gonna attract psychos.

[message alert]

John: Whoa, I just got retweeted.

Melissa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway]

Donald Trump: Oops, I did it again.

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Please stop retweeting all these random real people. You’re not getting any work done.

Donald Trump: It’s not true. I was elected 25 days ago, and already unemployment is at a 9 year low. Millions and millions people have health care. And Osama Bin Laden is dead.

Kellyanne Conway: Yes. Yes. He is dead. Just like my soul and all of my hair.

Donald Trump: But next. I am going to do what I promised my whole campaign and I am going to build that swamp.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay. Don’t you mean drain the swamp and build the wall?

Donald Trump: No. That’s too many things. Just smoosh them together. Smoosh. Smoosh. Wait a minute. Is that the– at the end of the table, is that the picture of me that I hate? The one that the press is always using where I look so ugly? What is that picture doing in here?

Kellyanne Conway: Oh, no. That’s actually– that’s just a plate of mashed potatoes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh!

Kenan: Mr. Trump. Your security briefing is incredibly important.

Donald Trump: You’re right. I’m sorry. [puts the phone down on his desk] You have my undivided attention.

[10 seconds later] [Cut to Vanessa and Bobby at a restaurant]

Vanessa: I’m so glad we’re finally on this date. I got to say, you look exactly like your picture on twitter.

Bobby: Thanks.

Vanessa: So, tell me about your twitter bio.

Bobby: It says, “Liberalism is a mental illness.”

[message alert]

Whoa! I just got retweeted.

Vanessa: By who?

[Cut to Donald Trump and Kellyanne Conway. Donald Trump is blowing the blow horn.]

Donald Trump: Another great retweet.

Alex: Oh, jeez. Um, Mr. Trump, please, let’s get to work, okay? This is an extremely dangerous world. Pakistan is increasingly unstable.

Donald Trump: Should I call them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: North Korea is still doing nuclear tests.

Donald Trump: Should I text them?

Kellyanne Conway: No.

Alex: And Iran is incredibly volatile.

Donald Trump: Should I have Ivanka send them some shoes?

Kellyanne Conway: Maybe.

Alex: Sir, okay, I hate to be rude but this is insane. Alright? Your inauguration is just seven weeks away.

[Kenan screams as he got scared]

Kenan: Sorry. I just hadn’t heard that put in weeks before.

Alex: Ya!

Kellyanne Conway: Plus, sir, we need to get moving because you have that dinner with Mitt Romney tonight.

Donald Trump: Oh! Do I have to?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Well, then can we at least have a picture of us together where he looks like a little bitch?

Kellyanne Conway: Yes.

Donald Trump: Okay. [puts his phone down on his desk] I’m ready to start this briefing.

Kellyanne Conway: Okay.

Donald Trump: Wait. Where is my chief strategist Steve Bannon? I can’t start without Steve Bannon

Kellyanne Conway: He’s walking in right now.

[Steve Bannon walks in. He is portrayed as a Grim Reaper.

Steve Bannon: Sorry, I am late.

Donald Trump: It’s okay, Steve. You look great.

Donald Trump and Steve Bannon: And live from New York, it’s Saturday night.

Donald Trump Prepares Cold Open

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

General Dunlap… Mikey Day

Peter Chucksell… Bobby Moynihan

Mitt Romney… Jason Sudeikis

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a video clip of Trump National Golf Club’s board] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway and Donald Trump in the office]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Are you ready for you first meeting?

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, what are people saying about my cabinet appointments? Do they love them?

Kellyanne Conway: They are certainly very passionate about them. I just saw one very nice tweet saying that they were great for nation and the future of our children.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Who sent that?

Kellyanne Conway: David Duke.

Donald Trump: Kellyanne, can I say something? I just want to thank you for all you’ve done. I wouldn’t be president without you.

Kellyanne Conway: I think about that everyday. Also, the chairman of the Join Chiefs of Staff is here. You remember General Dunlap?

[General Dunlap enters]

General Dunlap: Here he is.

Donald Trump: Thanks for coming, General.

General Dunlap: My pleasure, sir. Thought we could take a moment to discuss strategy before your upcoming term.

Donald Trump: Sure.

General Dunlap: We’ve been stuck fighting ISIS in Jabhat Al-Nusra for six years now. When we found out that you had a secret plan, it really energized us.

Donald Trump: That’s right. A plan. Very secret.

General Dunlap: Well, whatever it is, we’re really looking forward to hearing it come January. It’s only seven weeks away, so let’s save some lives together, sir.

Donald Trump: Tremendous. Love it. Thank you.

[General Dunlap walks out]

Okay, right. Here we go. Big plan. Big plan. [Donald Trump opens his laptop] Google, what is ISIS? Oh, my! 59 million results. [Donald Trump takes his phone] Siri, how do I kill ISIS? Oh! This is a Blackberry. [breathing heavy] Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. Big beautiful boobs and buildings. [takes long breath]

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

Donald Trump: Yes, what do you need, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: A time machine. But I also came to tell you that you’ve got a special visitor. This is Peter Chucksell. [Peter Chucksell enters] He led our campaign in West Virginia.

Peter Chucksell: Mr. Trump. It is an honor, sir.

Donald Trump: Nice to meet you, Peter. Where are you from?

Peter Chucksell: Virginia, sir. A little town called Grundy. That’s cold country, sir. I’ve been out of work two years now. Rough times. Then you said you were going to bring every single job back to our town!

Donald Trump: Every single one?

Peter Chucksell: Yes, sir! Hell! If you can build a wall that’s 2,000 miles long on the Mexican border, I’m sure you can help us.

Donald Trump: How long is that wall?

Peter Chucksell: 2,000 miles.

Donald Trump: 2,000 American miles?

Peter Chucksell: [laughing] I cannot wait to see the look on those Mexicans’ faces when you make them pay for that wall. They say it’s gonna cost $25 billion.

Donald Trump: Fantastic Peter! Thank you very much.

Peter Chucksell: Okay.

[Peter Chucksell walks out]

Donald Trump: $25 billion, it can’t be that much. Oh, god. Oh, god. Don’t worry, Donald. it’ll be okay. Hillary is still ahead in the polls.

Kellyanne Conway: Um, Mr. Trump.

[Kellyanne Conway is brushing something away from her shoulder]

Donald Trump: Yes, Kellyanne, what’s the matter? Is there something on your shoulder?

Kellyanne Conway: Um, yes. [showing the around environment] All of this. Also, Mitt Romney is here.

[Mitt Romney walks in]

Mitt Romney: Hello, Mr. president-elect. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me.

Donald Trump: Governot Romney, so good of you to come.

[Donald Trump and Mitt Romney shake their hands for long without sharing words]

Mitt Romney: This isn’t going to work, is it?

Donald Trump: I don’t think so.

Mitt Romney: Great, thanks. Thanks. I’m gonna go to the shop.

[Mitt Romney walks out]

Kellyanne Conway: Mr. Trump. Mike… Pence… is here.

Donald Trump: Great. Perfect.

[Mike Pence walks in]

Mike Pence: Hello, sir.

Donald Trump: Heard you went to see ‘Hamilton,’ how was that?

Mike Pence: It was good. I got a free lecture.

Donald Trump: I heard they ‘booed’ you.

Mike Pence: Absolutely.

Donald Trump: Um, I love you Mike, you’re the reason I’m never going to get impeached.

Mike Pence: We have a few problems. The democrats are already pushing back on our illegal immigration act because they say finding 11 million illegal immigrants is going to be hard.

Donald Trump: Impossible, probably.

Mike Pence: They say it’s going to be even harder to deport them.

Donald Trump: So, maybe, let’s not do it.

Mike Pence: [shocked] Um, don’g do it?

Donald Trump: Yeah. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Scrapped?

Donald Trump: Scrapped. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Okay, you know what? Maybe we will just talk about that later. Let’s move on to Obamacare. As you know, 20 million people use it. And it sounds crazy, but a lot of them like it.

Donald Trump: Keep it. Let’s just keep it.

Mike Pence: I’m sorry, keep it?

Donald Trump: Yeah, keep it. All of it. No change.

Mike Pence: Okay, hey, let’s just hold that for later, alright? Also, they’re gonna make it hard for us to hire a special prosecutor put Hillary in jail.

Donald Trump: Then don’t do it.

Mike Pence: Don’t do it?

Donald Trump: Scrap it. She didn’t do anything. Scrapped.

Mike Pence: Sir, being president is not going to be easy. But we’ll get through it if we work hard. Together.

Donald Trump: Thank you Mike. Oh, and Mike, you’re going to do everything right?

Mike Pence: Yes, sir.

Donald Trump: Oh, and Mike. One more thing.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence: Live from New York, it’s Saturday night.


Melania Trump… Cecily Strong

Ivanka Trump… Emily Blunt

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Omarosa… Sasheer Zamata

Tiffany Trump… Vanessa Bayer

Mike Pence… Beck Bennett

Donald Trump… Alec Baldwin

[Starts with video clips of female friends and family members of Donald Trump thinking deep]

Melania: Here lies my last nerve, Donald. I’ve stood by your side this whole campaign, your beautiful, dutiful Melania. I can’t take it anymore. I am your wife.

Ivanka: Your daughter.

Kellyanne: Your mouth piece.

Omarosa: Your one black friend.

Tiffany: Your other daughter.

All: And you’re breaking us. Taking us for granted that we’ll always be there.

Melania: But one day soon, Donald, you may wake up and this bomb pussy bow blouse will be gone.

[music playing] [Music video starts]

Melania: I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry
Donald, na!

‘m not sorry
I’m not sorry
I’m not sorry

Kellyanne: Always screwing up (I’m not sorry)
expect me to clean it up (I’m not sorry)
said I’d stick with you unless (I’m not sorry)
I think we’ve gotten to unless (I’m not sorry)
Melania: Me and my ladies pack our Gucci up
we spilling tea with our pinkies up
fix your bald spot, I’ve had enough
tryna’ thinking about you
I’m done thinking about

All: Four fingers up, make them bend right
poke him in the face, tell him, “Boy, bye”
tell him, “Boy, bye” (you’re fired)

four fingers up, tired of thinking about you

Ivanka: Daddy once tweeted “Sorry”
I’m not even making music
I’m supposed to be the brain tear
what the hell have happen thinking?

Now he’s bringing Paula Jones in
there goes my friendship with Chelsea Clinton
I miss you Chelsea Clinton
Call me Chelsea

All: Tired of thinking about you
I’m done thinking about you

four fingers up
tired of thinking about you.

Tiffany: Hell na! I killed on that convention speech, no lie
but I’ll never be Ivanka in your eyes
I don’t give a damn, tonight I’m turning tables
don’t call me Tiffany Trump, I’m Tiff Maples

Omarosa: Leaving the resignation in the hall way
signed as Omarosa, there’s no last name
No last name
I ain’t f***n with no last name

Melania: Don’t take me wrong, I have a good life
but Donald don’t underestimate your wife
I got Eastern Europe mindset
I might forgive but I won’t forget
Donald baby, watch out (watch out)
me and my women’s about to walk out
I see Mike Pence in the corner
looking for the back door

Mike Pence: You only want me when I’m not there

All: Without us you wouldn’t be standing there

Melania: You just be that guy with that weed hair
you just be that guy with that weed hair

I wrote that all by myself.

Donald Trump: Come on Melania, ready? It’s the wedding. Let’s go. You look very nice. But let’s go.

Women: Yes. Okay.

[All the women start walking]

Donald Trump: Tiffany, you wait here.

Tiffany: Oh! Cool.

A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Jake … Beck Bennett

[Starts with “A Day Off with Kellyanne Conway” video bumper] [music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway waking up in her bed. Subtitle reading “Starring Trump Campaign Manager Kellyanne Conway”] [Kellyanne Conway looks at the calendar showing ‘day off’ and she gets excited] [Kellyanne Conway is getting down the stairs dancing] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Kellyanne Conway looks at the phone and gets upset] [Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper] [Cut to Jake in his news set]

Jake: Breaking news. Donald Trump has tweeted yet again that Hillary Clinton cheated on her husband. [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway] Kellyanne, how do you defend this tweet?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, that’s unfair coz what Mr. Trump was getting at here, it clearly is not that Hillary cheated on Bill, but that she has been cheating the American people for decades.

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But that’s not what the tweet said.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: I think if you really look at it, if you read the whole tweet, that is what it said.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Jake: Okay, well thank you for coming in on your day off.

Kellyanne Conway: Of course.

[music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway running at the park] [Kellyanne Conway meets her friends and is doing yoga] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone rings and she leaves] [Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay Jake, so this tweet is actually taken out of context. Of course Mr. Trump thinks that Mexicans can read [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Jake is looking very sleepy] and actually what he wants them to read the most is Hillary Clinton’s 33,000 missing emails.

Jake: Okay, Kellyanne.

Kellyanne Conway: We good?

Jake: Sure.

[music playing] [Kellyanne Conway is painting and dancing in her lawn] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to CNN Breaking News video bumper] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, this one is simple, Jake. Mr. Trump did the deaf voice at his rally this morning so that deaf people could hear him too.

[Cut to Jake. He can’t believe what Kellyanne Conway just said.] [music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway reading a magazine in her house.] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so, yeah. Mr. Trump did challenge Obama to a penis off and if the president will simply produce his penis, we could get back to talking about what’s really important, which is jobs.

[Kellyanne Conway just leaves] [music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway buying her groceries] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway is carrying her groceries.]

Kellyanne Conway: Yes, he did say that it is gross to watch gay people eat pasta because he wants them to eat healthy food.

Jake: But why even say that, Kellyanne?

Kellyanne Conway: Jake, I have to put this ice cream in the freezer. Sorry.

Jake: Yeah, yeah.

[music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway skating at the park] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway walks in with the skating helmet on.]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course black people don’t have one less toe than white people.

[music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway having her facial done.] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Of course, children are not just shrunken down humans.

[music playing] [Cut to Kellyanne Conway enjoying bubble bath and some wine with her husband] [Kellyanne Conway’s phone ringing] [Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway. Kellyanne Conway has wet hair and is wearing bathrobe.}

Kellyanne Conway: Of course Donald did not hold up a little cup of his own semen at a rally and say, “This becomes a person? No way!”

[Cut to Jake]

Jake: But he did say that. There’s tape.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway.]

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want me say? Yes, he said that. He’s crazy.

Jake: Great.

Kellyanne Conway: He’s the worst person I’ve ever known.

Jake: Yes.

Kellyanne Conway: What do you want?

Jake: That’s what I want. Alright, well, thank you, Kellyanne Conway. Thank you for being here.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you for having us.

Jake: Us? Who’s us?

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway and her husband. He is also half naked and is covered with bubbles.]

Kellyanne’s husband: Hi, Jake.

[Cut to split screen with Jake and Kellyanne Conway and her husband.]

Jake: Kellyanne!

Kellyanne Conway: What? It’s my day off.

[Ends with “A Day Off” with Kellyanne Conway outro]

Celebrity Family Feud- Political Edition

Steve Harvey… Kenan Thompson

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Ivanka Trump… Margot Robbie

Chris Christie… Bobby Moynihan

Vladimir Putin… Beck Bennett

Bill Clinton… Darrell Hammond

Sarah Silverman… Melissa Villaseñor

Lin-Manuel Miranda… Cecily Strong

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

[Starts with Family Feud intro]

Announcer: It’s time to play Family Feud: Political Edition. And here’s your host, Steve Harvey.

[Cut to Steve Harvey walking in to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Okay now. Okay. Welcome to Family Feud: Political Edition. We back from a two week break. I was out getting my teeth enlarged. Okay, today we got a big old rivalry. We got team Hillary Clinton taking on team Donald Trump. And on the Trump side, we got Trump campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kellyanne Conway: Thanks. Thank you. Thank you for having us on Jeopardy.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Huh? This is Family Feud.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

peaker Kellyanne Conway: Yeah, okay. So this is Jeopardy and if you look at all the signs and you are Alex Trebek, but let’s talk about the real Jeopardy which is the situation Hillary Clinton put us in taking money from Saudi princes and everyone here on Wheel Fortune can see that.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: I’ve seen you on TV. You always look like the last 10 minutes of prom. Okay, next we got Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka trump.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump. Her hair is flipping.]

Ivanka Trump: What a pleasure it is to be here Steve. This is fun. I love fun. Everyday I schedule 20 minutes of fun.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you sexy. Yeah. I know that might sound inappropriate, but if your daddy can say it, so can I. Next up, we got governor Chris Christie.

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Hey, jersey strong, Steve.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Man, why you still with Trump? Is he gonna appoint you to a cabinet position or something?

[Cut to Chris Christie]

Chris Christie: Um, we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Oh!

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Too easy. And finally on team Trump, oh my god, it’s Vladimir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Man! Are you and Trump actually friends?

Vladimir Putin: [Russian accent] Kind of. We are Facebook friends.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh! You creepy. Last week, I had a nightmare about you.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin]

Vladimir Putin: Ha-ha-ha. I know!

[gives Steve Harvey creepy look] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Let’s go to the Hillary Clinton side. First, we got my main man, Bill Clinton.

[Cut to Bill Clinton] [Cheers and applause]

Bill Clinton: Hello Steve. I… love… the Feud.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay now, you sure you okay with Hillary being president instead of you?

[Cut to Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: I mean, I can’t wait. Believe you me, I freaking love the White House. I mean, you know, I can hangout there, you know, no presidential stuff to do. Red phone rings and I just say, “Hey, you take that one, honey! I’ll be downstairs watching… The Police Academy.”

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, next up, we got comedian and Hillary Clinton supporter, Sarah Silverman.

[Cut to Sarah Silverman]

Sarah Silverman: Oh my god! We might be electing the first woman president. I feel so much pride from my head to my vagina. [laughing] [Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Oh, you that nasty kind of adorable. And next, we got Hamilton creator and number one rapper on PBS, Lin-Manuel Miranda.

[Cut to Lin-Manuel Miranda]

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Steve, when you’re asking for words is, my mind starts going with the couple of verses, not versus as in the left and the right, it’s the right and the wrong that keeps me up at night.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Was there a beat that I didn’t hear? No? Okay! Finally, we got senator Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Hello. Hello. Hello, Steve. When does this actually start? The whole thing is hellos. My grandmother can knit a sweater in that time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Well, you out here supporting Hillary?

[Cut to Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: Absolutely. Look, senator Clinton is the prune juice of this election. She might not seem that appetizing, but if you don’t take her now, you’re gonna be clogged with crap for a very long time.

[Cut to Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Give me Kellyanne and give me Bernie. Let’s get up here and play the Feud.

[Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders walks to Steve Harvey at the stage] [Kellyanne Conway shakes hands with Bernie Sanders]

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you, senator.

Bernie Sanders: Yes, yes. The shake. Of course. Very important, the shake. Yes, yes.

Steve Harvey: Okay. 100 people surveyed, top five answers on the board. Name a reason people give for being late.

[Kellyanne Conway hits the buzzer]


Kellyanne Conway: Okay, let’s see if I do not have an answer even though I did buzz in, um, so I’ll do what I usually do which is talk and talk until people forget the question and then I’m gonna make an insane claim about Hillary. Hillary Clinton is North Korean.

Steve Harvey: Okay then. Show me ‘A bunch of lies’.

[wrong answer buzzer]

Oh, not up there. Bernie Sanders, a reason people give for being late.

Bernie Sanders: You need a reason why I’m late? Look at me. Everywhere I go, it looks like I just finished chasing a bus.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Looking like a Jewish weirdo’.

[Right answer bell. The board shows ‘Missed the bus’.]

Hey! Number three answer. Okay, y’all wanna play or pass?

[Cut to team Hillary]

All: Let’s play.

[Cut to Steve Harvey, Kellyanne Conway and Bernie Sanders]

Bernie Sanders: You know what? We’ll get a pass.

Steve Harvey: But your team mates said they wanted to play.

Bernie Sanders: Yeah. Good for them. We’re gonna pass. It seems like a hassle.

Steve Harvey: Alright, let’s go to team Trump.

[Steve Harvey and Kellyanne Conway walk to team Trump]

Okay, Ivanka Trump, what’s the reason people give for being late?

Ivanka Trump: What an interesting and wonderful question, Steve. May I ask my brothers for help?

Steve Harvey: They not here.

[Cut to Ivanka Trump standing with a smile. Her brothers stand up. They were hiding behind her.]

Trump brothers: Yes, we are.

Steve Harvey: Oh! Who is this?

Donald Jr: I am Donald Jr., the brains.

Ivanka Trump: I’m Ivanka, the beauty.

Eric: And I’m Eric.

Steve Harvey: Okay. Show me ‘Children are the con’. [wrong answer buzzer] It’s not up there.

Trump brothers: Too bad.

[Kellyanne Conway and the Trump brothers slowly get down and hide.]

Steve Harvey: Okay. Chris Christie. A reason people give for being late.

Chris Christie: Well, I’m late because I have been working very hard on behalf of Mr. Donald Trump.

Steve Harvey: OH, you really like him. You said some horrible things about him in the primaries though.

Chris Christie: It’s water on to the bridge. [hits the table] Dang, Christie! Come on!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Steve Harvey: Let’s just go over to Vladamir Putin.

[Cut to Vladimir Putin. He is shirtless and is jacked.]

Yeah. Let’s not!

[wrong answer buzzer]

Okay, team Clinton, [Steve Harvey walks to team Clinton] it’s your chance to steal. Ivanka, what you doing over here?

[Ivanka is talking with Bill Clinton]

Bill Clinton: We’re just getting acquainted.

Ivanka Trump: He is very nice.

Bill Clinton: [to Ivanka Trump] Do you like what wings? Really good wings?

Steve Harvey: William! William Jefferson Clinton. Alright everybody, give me some answers. Come on. Reason why people are late.

Bill Clinton: That’s my business.

Sarah Silverman: I was so high.

Lin-Manuel Miranda: Love is love is love is love.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Steve Harvey]

Steve Harvey: Okay, good answers there. Bernie Sanders, final guess. A reason why you’re late.

Bernie Sanders: Maybe you’re late because people like Jill Stein call you in the middle of the night asking you for advice. That woman drives me nuts. For someone who cares about the environment, she sure doesn’t mind asking people to throw their votes away, hah? Hah? Pretty clever. You didn’t know I was so clever, did you? Hah?

Steve Harvey: You got a lot on your mind. Show me bothered by Jill Stein.

[right answer bell. The board shows ‘Bothered by Jill Stein’ as number one answer.]

Oh! Number one answer. Well, once again, Hillary getting that Hollywood money. We’re gonna go to commercial. [Cut to Steve Harvey] During this time, I stare at my shoes and I don’t talk to nobody. We’ll see ya’.

[The End]

A Conway Marriage Story

Therapist… Scarlett Johansson

George Conway… Beck Bennett

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

News host… Alex Moffat

[Starts with a therapist talking to a couple] Therapist: Alright, so I’m familiar with some of the differences of opinion that you’ve had publicly. I want to know what you love about each other. So, why don’t you two read your list. George, would you like to start?

[Cut to the couple]

George Conway: Okay.

Kellyanne Conway: Go ahead, babe.

George Conway: What I love about Kellyanne. [Cut to the couple laughing in a restaurant] She works so hard for her boss even though I hate his guts.

[Cut to Kellyanne reporting news]

Kellyanne Conway: I actually have been to the porter and the democrats are actually lying. The children are not drinking from toilets. [Cut to the news host in his news set] Because they actually did not—

News host: Kellyanne, we are out of time.

[Cut to Kellyanne]

Kellyanne Conway: They can use the corner.

News host: Let’s cut her mic? I don’t know.

Kellyanne Conway: Thank you.

[Cut to George reading newspaper]

What I love about George, he always leaves his coffee mugs around. [His coffee mugs are all anti-Trump] He actually always tells me what he thinks about me to my face.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne having dinner]

George? [George is using his phone] George. Are you mad at me?

George Conway: Oh, no, no, no.

[Kellyanne’s phone beeps. Kellyanne checks, George has tweeted ‘Anyone who works for Trump is a demon.’]

Kellyanne Conway: George? Am I demon?

George Conway: Oh, from what? I can’t tell. I don’t even—I can’t see in here. It’s kind of dark and loud. I think I’m going through a tunnel.

Kellyanne Conway: George Conway. Do not subtweet me at the dinner table, please.

[Cut to Kellyanne treaming George’s hair.]

George Conway: We find ways to spend time together.

Kellyanne Conway: I love our little pet names.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne crossing paths in the hallway]

Kellyanne Conway: Hey loser!

George Conway: Hey wall!

We find ways to keep in touch during the workday.

[George is tweeting ‘Trump is a psychopath’] [Cut to Kellyanne replying that tweet with ‘Hi Hon. We’re out of milk.’]

Kellyanne Conway: I love how my boss called him a stone-cold loser [Cut to Donald Trump’s tweet saying ‘George Conway…a stone cold LOSER & husband from hell!’] and husband from hell. I’m sorry, that’s something that George—

George Conway: I love when she does poems on TV.

[Cut to George reading]

Kellyanne Conway: I love that he loves to read the DSM to find out whats wrong my boss.

George Conway: Narcissist, there it is.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne taking selfie in the street[

I love that when Ann Coulter set us up, she thought, “These two are perfect for each other.”

Kellyanne Conway: I love that we agree on the big stuff like small government and no food for the poor.

[George and Kellyanne sees a homeless man]

Both: Get a job.

George Conway: And I know I’m not supposed to but I even love our fights.

[Cut to George and Kellyanne fighting]

George Conway: I feel bad for you.

Kellyanne Conway: You are the one who introduced us, George.

George Conway: I didn’t know he’d be president.

Kellyanne Conway: You’re not even verified on twitter. Where is your blue check, George?

George Conway: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Jesus!

News: Jerrold Nadler has just announced articles of impeachment.

[George and Kellyanne are clearing the table to make out] [Cut to George, Kellyanne and the therapist]

Kellyanne Conway: Okay, so do you have what you need for your piece?

Therapist: Piece? Oh, I’m not a reporter. I’m a therapist.

George Conway: Oh, this isn’t for a book?

Therapist: Oh, no. What you say doesn’t leave this room?

Kellyanne Conway: Then why are we doing this? We’re going to go. We have to fight on “The View”.

George Conway: Hon, I got to be done by five for dinner with a Kathy Griffin.

Kellyanne Conway: Don’t get me all hot. Save it for the show!


Hero Dog Press Conference

Kellyanne Conway… Kate McKinnon

Dana Gram… Cecily Strong

Heidi Gardner

Mikey Day

Melissa Villaseñor

Ego Nwodim

Aidy Bryant

Kenan Thompson

Chris Redd

[Starts with C-Span intro]

Announcer: You’re watching C-Span. At midnight, Beto O’Rourke rolls down his shirt sleeves in defeat. But, first we go live to a press briefing at the white house with Kellyanne Conway.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway]

Kyllyanne Conway: Okay, good evening. Hello, everyone. It is I, Kellyanne Conway. And if you’re watching this, you are going to die in seven days. Mmm-kay, and as you probably noticed, the White House has not held a press briefing in almost eight months. We’ve kept our new press secretary in hiding because our past ones were mocked, humiliated, and forced to regain their dignity on “Dancing with the stars.” Mmm-kay, but today I am here to celebrating because we have killed the leader of Isis, which according to the constitution means the impeachment can no longer legally move forward.

[Dana Gram walks in behind Kellyanne Conway with a dog]

Mmm-nd now it is my pleasure to introduce a very special guest. The hero who took down the leader of Isis, Coann the K9 commando.

[Kellyanne Conway moves away. There’s a German Shepherd dog at the podium] [Cheers and applause]

Mmm-kay. And he is joined by special forces K9 interpreter Dana Gram.

Dana Gram: Hello.

Kyllyanne Conway: And you can translate everything that the dog is saying?

Dana Gram: That’s correct. I have a master’s degree in linguistic from Dr. Dolittle university.

Kyllyanne Conway: And Conan, thank you for coming today.

[Dana Gram is looking at the dog]

Dana Gram: Right. Okay. He’s saying, “The pleasure is all mine, Kellyanne.”

Kyllyanne Conway: Mmm-kay, and you have the floor.

Dana Gram: That blink meant he can’t wait to lick it.

[Kellyanne Conway leaves the stage]

So, we’re going to take a few questions and Conan is going to meet with president Trump to explain the situation in Syria. You, ma’am?

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: Hi, Conan, thank you for your service.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “It’s my honor, I do this job for two reasons; one, I love my country, and two, belly rubs.”

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: I just wanted to ask, who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Are you my good little boy?

[Dog grunting]

Dana Gram: “Seriously, with all due respect, I’m a trained military assassin, not some basic labradoodle.” That’s on you.

[Cut to Heidi Gardner in audience]

Heidi Gardner: You’re right, I apologize.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog]

Dana Gram: “Apology accepted.” You, sir.

[Cut to Mikey in the audience]

Mikey: Yes, you were involved in a terrorist raid. Was that scary for you?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “A little, sure, but it could have been worse. The terrorists had guns and explosives but at least they don’t have vacuum cleaners.” Yes, you ma’am?

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: How does it feel to be getting all the credit for killing Baghdadi? Right.

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog barks]

Dana Gram: “Honestly, it was team effort from day one. It’s been, “I sniff your ass, you sniff mine.”

[Cut to Melissa in the audience]

Melissa: And how has your life changed now that you’re a hero?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog barks]

Dana Gram: What can I say? Honestly, I’m drowning in the bitches.” You ma’am.

[Cut to Ego in the audience]

Ego: What do you feel about the so-called whistle-blower in the white house?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “I think we need to find out who the whistle-blower is because that sound is driving him crazy.” Next question, please. Wait, actually I’m going to have a sip of water, [The dog drinks water using a glass] I think you, ma’am.

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: I was just on dog twitter and reading some stories about you. Any of them true?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: He says, “Okay, I should come clean about something. Ten years ago at a Halloween party, I dressed up as a cat. I did not mean to appropriate feline culture or put on cat face. I also apologize for last Halloween when I dressed as a chocolate lab.”

[Cut to Aidy in the audience]

Aidy: Okay, but what about the video of you that’s just come out?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “Oh, right, there’s a video of me barking at a black mailman, but I swear it wasn’t a bout race. Because I don’t see color. Literally I’m color-blind. Oh, and every day for the past years, I’ve humped someone’s leg without consent. For that I apologize.”

[Cut to Kenan in the audience]

Kenan: If I could throw in a silly question, who do you think won Halloween?

[Cut to Dana Gram and the dog] [The dog grunts]

Dana Gram: “To me, Heidi Klum always wins Halloween but this year I have to go with Kylie Jenner, she became Marilyn. And speaking of costumes, what is the janky fake medal that the president put on my neck, it has a picture of a paw on it. What the hell is that? You don’t give humans a medal with a foot on it.” “Anyway, that’s my time, god bless America. Scooter, if you’re watching, daddy loves you, now go to bed. And the same goes for Pickle, Rocket, Billy, Shamrock.”

[Kyllyanne Conway walks in]

Kyllyanne Conway: Thank you so much, Conan. We also have a human that was involved in the raid.

[Chris walks in and stand beside the doe]

Does anyone have any questions for him?

[Cut to the reporters who are silent and have no questions.] [Cut to the stage]

Chris: Okay, thank you for your time.

Kyllyanne Conway: Yes, and thank you, all of you. Now this dog has to go meet president Trump and then he has to testify against presidents Trump. He was on the Ukraine call too. Mmm-kay, good night.