Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat
Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon
Police… Kenan Thompson
Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]
Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.
Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.
Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?
Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.
Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]
Dammit![The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]
Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.
Anderson Cooper: Who are you?
Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.
Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?
Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.
Anderson Cooper: I have to go.
Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?
Anderson Cooper: No.
Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.
Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.
Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?
Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.
Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.[Cut to the police]
Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]
Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.
Anderson Cooper: Rachel?
Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.
Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.
Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.
Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.
Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]
Anderson Cooper: Ah!
Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]
Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No![Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]
Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.
Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?
Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]
Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.
Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]
Police: Oh, damn![Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]
Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?
Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?
Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?
Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]
Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?
Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]