The Dudleys

Mrs. Dudley… Kate McKinnon

Mr. Dudley… Beck Bennett

Another Mr. Dudley… Woody Harrelson

Jacquees Dudley… Kenan Thompson

Crazy Eyes… Uzo Aduba

[Starts with a an introduction to a TV show, showing a mom, dad and their daughters]

Male voice: What do you get when you take one working mom, add a fragile staying home dad, and mix in their two goofy girls? Fridays at 9, it’s America’s favorite new fall comedy, “The Dudleys!” They are family, but they are also out of control.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley walking in]

Mrs. Dudley: Hmm, I smell a pot roast.

[Cut to daughters sitting on a couch and the husband talking from the kitchen]

Mr. Dudley: You sure do, and I used my favorite recipe. Take out.

[Cut to Mrs. Dudley pointing at Mr. Dudley and laughing]

Male voice: But we have received the complaints about the show. You tweeted, “It’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley. Why can’t any of The Dudleys be gay?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. And that’s why we’ve made Mr.s Dudley another Mr. Dudley.

[Cut to another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: So, I smell pot roast and it smells D-to the-lish.

Male voice: But then you tweeted, “Why the new Mr. Dudley such a stereotype?” Well, we heard you loud and clear. So, we dialed it down.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: I smell food. Cool.

Male voice: “But now, Mr. Dudley sounds like a straight robot.” So, we dialed back up to gay five.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley walking in]

Another Mr. Dudley: Ooh! My gay nose smells pot roast.

Male voice: Perfect! “But it’s Mr. Dudley0Mrs. DudleyJacquees Dudley, why do both Mr. Dudleys have to be white?” That’s why, stay at home dad, Ron Dudley is not Jacquees dudley.

[Cut to Jacquees Dudley and Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Jacquees Dudley: Honey, how was court today?

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s that funny guy I married.

[Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley hug]

Male voice: “Hugging? Why can’t a gay couple show a real intimacy on TV?” We heard you loud and clear.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley on the sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Let’s just say, I played defense.

Jacquees Dudley: There’s the funny guy I married.

[The lights change and a romantic music starts playing. Another Mr. Dudley and Jacquees Dudley start touching each other.

Male voice: Fantastic. But then you had complains about the daughters.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a ballet dancer costume.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for my ballet residual.

Male voice: You tweeted, “Oh, cuz if you’re a girl, you have to like ballet?” That’s why, instead little Daisy Dudley in now a staff Sargent in the United States Marine Core.

[Cut to Daisy Dudley walking in in a marine uniform.]

Daisy Dudley: Daddies, I’m gonna be late for Afghanistan.

Male voice: And what about little Dora Dudley? “Why can’t she be crazy eyes from ‘Orange is the New Black?’ We like that character.” Roger that.

[Cut to Another Mr. Dudley sitting on a sofa]

Another Mr. Dudley: Dora, it’s time for bed.

[Crazy Eyes comes in]

Crazy Eyes: Anything for you, Daddy. [Crazy Eyes starts licking Another Mr. Dudley’s cheeks]

Male voice: There you have it. Thanks to your tweets and emails, we made The Dudley family for everyone. Or so we thought… Because then we started getting your letters. Like, actual paper mails. And those complains were very different. You said, “Where did the whites go?” “Too many fruit loops!!!!” “There aren’t my Dudleys. Ps. Repeal Obamacare.” That’s why, Fridays at 8, the original Dudleys are back. Because we always hear all of you loud and clear.

Old New York

Bobby Moynihan, Kenan Thompson, Taran Killam, Woody Harrelson

[Starts with four men having a drink]

Bobby: I’m telling you, boys, this city has changed for the worst.

Kenan: It’s unbelievable. I can’t tell you the last time I had a decent slice of pizza here.

Taran: Yeah, forget about it. Remember, Mod Nelly’s on 9th. Best sauce in the city, hands down.

Bobby: Oh, hands down.

Kenan: And now, it’s replaced by a damn dog spa. I men, what the hell is that?

Taran: I’ll tell you what it is. It’s a crime and a shame. Ay, let me ask you this. When was the last time you had a good knish?

Kenan: Couldn’t tell ya.

Bobby: Yeah, you know, you can’t find a decent knish in the city but I’ll tell you, you can get a friggin froyo every 13 feet.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Yeah, remember the crack?

[audience laughing]

Kenan: What?

Woody: Crack. I mean, have you had it lately? It’s awful.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Like, smoking crack?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: I mean, that’s if you gonna even find it. But like you said, there’s friggin froyo everywhere. You know?

Kenan: You know what I miss?

Woody: Crack?

Kenan: No. New York city hotdogs.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Thank you. Thank you.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Kenan: Real dogs. Bright red with a good snap. Spicy mustard!

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Um-hmm.

Taran: There used to be a good hotdog cart on every corner. But now, it’s all just Korean barbecue and tacos.

Bobby: Yeah, when did New York city become the friggin taco capital of the world.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Man, you can clearly like taste the difference, let alone the high is kind of twitchy.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: What high?

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: The crack high. It tasted better, lasted longer and cost less. It’s almost like they know would you settle for any crack.

Kenan: Ay man, what the hell you talking about?

Woody: I’m saying what you guys are saying. That the city has changed.

Kenan: Well, no, you’re not.

Woody: Yeah, you said the pizza thing. And then you’re talking about the knishes and who I can’t remember said something about crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Taran: You! You brought up crack. Again. We don’t smoke crack.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: And I don’t blame you. It’s not as good.

[Cut to everybody]

Taran: Alright buddy, just stop bringing it up.

Woody: Alright, jeez. [Cut to Kenan and Woody] I mean, we’re all talking. It’s a free country.

Kenan: I miss the respect. Kids used to have respect in this city.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Absolutely, but not anymore. Now, every time I get on the subway, I see some punk sitting down and some old lady standing up.

Taran: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Not to mention that the price to ride the subway is just insane.

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Tell me about it. It’s like where do you even find crack at this time a day?

Kenan: Hey, man. We warned you.

Woody: I mean on a subway for what they charging us to ride a damn thing, you think they give us just a little crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: We don’t smoke crack. Okay? Will you just get lost, man?

Taran: Please!

[Cut to Kenan and Woody]

Woody: Oh! I see what this is. I mean, you guys just want to talk to each other. I guess I’m intruding and maybe I should go.

Kenan: Yeah. [00:Woody0:Kenan6]

[Cut to everybody]

Bobby: Yeah, that would be great.

Woody: Very well, then. Good day gentlemen. But before I go, I have to say you’re all under arrest.

Taran: For what?

[Cut to Woody]

Woody: For possession of crack, cocaine. Now, put your drugs on the table.

[Cut to everybody]

Kenan: We don’t have any crack.

[Cut to Bobby and Taran]

Bobby: Wait, is that a vote for native button?

[Cut to Woody showing an election badge.]

Woody: Worth a shot. Good night guys.

[Cut to Bobby, Kenan and Taran]

Bobby: Uh, what a weirdo.

Taran: Yeah, I do miss the meth though.

Bobby: Oh! So much.

Kenan: Oh, meth was my favorite.

[cheers and applause]