The Price Is Right Celebrity Edition

Drew… Beck Bennett

Lil’ Wayne… Chris Redd

Ramal… Kenan Thompson

Tilda Swinton… Kate McKinnon

Marcia… Leslie Jones

Chris Hemsworth… Alex Moffat

Amanda… Miley Cyrus

Bernie Sanders… Larry David

Derek… Pete Davidson

Ariana Grande… Melissa Villaseñor

Tony Bennett… Alec Baldwin

Sofia Vergara… Cecily Strong

[Starts with ‘the Price is Right’ intro] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Welcome back to the ‘Price is Right’. The favorite show of people who are in between jobs. Hang in there. I’m your host, Drew Carey. It’s celebrity week. Hollywood’s biggest stars are playing alongside contestants from our studio audience. Starting with Lil Wayne and Ramal.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Lil’ Wayne: Bitches love lil’ Weezy. And Lil’ Weezy loves moolah, baby!

Ramal: Yeah. And Ramal Johnson also loves moolah, baby.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Tilda Swinton and Marsha.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: I’ve been watching ‘the Price is Right’ since I was a little girl growing up on the planet Krypto.

Marcia: Um, yeah. I’m going to need another famous person.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Ah! No tradesies. Next up from the new ‘Thor’ movie, Chris Hemsworth and Amanda.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, good day. I’m Chris and I walked here. I like to walk, yeah? Get the blood pumping. yeah. Back home, I walk from Mumumaloo over to Katoomba up to the Hawke’s Bay river and that was all before I had me morning Salmon. First question, yes.

Amanda: You’re really cute.

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah. Sorry, love. I’m married.

Amanda: Do you have a brother?

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: And Bernie Sanders and Derek.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek

Bernie Sanders: Thank you. It’s good to be here. [cheers and applause] But I just wanna say this show is a travesty. Consumerism disguised as entertainment. That being said, I do need a new dinette set.

Derek: Are you okay?

Bernie Sanders: Better than ever. We’re gonna win this thing the Bernie way. Which means if I lose, I’ll being everyone else down with me.

Derek: Whoo! Bernie’s back!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. The winner of this round will join Ariana Grande and the legendary Tony Bennett who are standing by at the wheel.

[Cut to Tony Bennett and Ariana Grande]

Ariana Grande: I’m excited to spin that wheel with you, Tony.

Tony Bennett: What?

Ariana Grande: We’re gonna spin the wheel.

Tony Bennett: Yeah, my grandfather worked in steel, too.

Ariana Grande: No. The wheel.

Tony Bennett: Wheel! That’s right. Just like the tiny little wheels of cheese you eat because you’re a mouse. Speaking of wheels, are your intestines spinning out of control? If so, reach fo some Imodium AD. [Tony Bennett shows a box of Imodium AD] AD stands for Anti-dump. Give it a chance before you fill your pants. Reach for Imodium AD. It will keep your colon sighter than a Scotsman’s coin purse. Back to you, Bob Barker.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: It’s Drew. It’s been Drew for 10 years. Okay. Alright, now, let’s start the bidding on a Samsung high efficiency washing machine. Our guest announcer Sofia Vergara will explain the features.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing with a brand new washing machine]

Sofia Vergara: Yes, thank you, Drew. This appliance, a big capacity and fast spin. Like a cat in a tornado. I love the image I create with my own words.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thank you, Sofia. And what movie are you here to promote?

[Cut to Sofia Vergara]

Sofia Vergara: Pepsi! [holding a Pepsi can] [Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright. Lil’ Wayne an Ramal, your bid.

[Cut to Lil’ Wayne and Ramal]

Ramal: Oh, man. I could really use a new washing machine.

Lil’ Wayne: We bid $92,000.

Ramal: Wait man. That’s a little high.

Lil’ Wayne: I’m a little high. Here, have some, it’s basically poison. [passing Ramal his cup of drink] [Ramal takes a sip]

Ramal: Damn! $92,000!

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Put $92,000 on the board. Tilda Swinton and Marcia, your bid.

[Cut to Tilda Swinton and Marcia]

Tilda Swinton: Oh, I’m alright. I don’t need another tiny spaceship. Mine is working fine.

Marcia: What is this little dutch boy talking about? This is a washing machine.

Tilda Swinton: Oh, a washing machine. Of course. I bid David Bowie’s soul. Wink, wink. [whispering] I have it.

Marcia: Someone call 911. That is a pistachio loose from the nut house.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Okay. Let’s put David Bowie’s soul on the board. Next, we have Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. What’s your bid?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda]

Chris Hemsworth: Um, I would like to phone a friend, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: As I have already told you multiple times back stage, that’s not a thing you can do on this show.

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth and Amanda. Liam Hemsworth is with them.]

Chris Hemsworth: Yeah, too late. I already did it to my brother.

Liam: I ran here as soon as you called, mate.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Alright, how much do you think the washer costs?

[Cut to Chris Hemsworth, Amanda and Liam Hemsworth]

Chris Hemsworth: Well, in the outback mate, we don’t really use money. We rely on a complex bartering system.

Amanda: Oh, no. That ain’t good.

Liam Hemsworth: We bit 150 crocodile teeth. Boom! Ha-ha.

Chris Hemsworth: Love it.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Put that on the board if you can. And finally, Derek and Bernie Sanders.

[Cut to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders: I’ll tell you what I think, Drew.

Derek: Already a bad start.

Bernie Sanders: The real problem in this country is American consumerism. Who needs a washer? When I need to wash that one suit I own, I just wait until it rains. I stand outside for DrewMarcia minutes. And then I jog behind a bus until the exhaust dries me off.

Derek: Okay, cool. But I need this money.

Bernie Sanders: Oh, you need money. I’ll tell you how to get money. Here’s what you do. When you go to a gas station and you see the ‘Take a penny, leave a penny’, you always take a penny. That’s how I bought my first house. Our bid is eight cents, Drew. And that’s a generous price.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: The actual price is $600.

[winner music playing. The camera zooms to Bernie Sanders and Derek]

Bernie Sanders and Derek, you’re the only team that didn’t over-bid or bid in non-currency. So you are our winner. [Cut to Drew] When we come back, you will have a chance to play plinko. Sofia, tell them how it works.

[Cut to Sofia Vergara standing in front of the game board.]

Sofia Vergara: It’s Plinko.

[Cut to Drew]

Drew: Thanks Sofia. I love the way she moves.

[Tony Bennett walks in]

Tony Bennett: And speaking of moves, are your pipes clogged up worse than a Porta Potty at Lollapalooza?

Drew: Please don’t do this.

Tony Bennett: Then reach for Dulcolax. [showing a box of Dulcolax] You drop one of these plinko chips into your tum tum and 10 minutes later, your sphincter starts paying out like a slot machine. We are talking the loosest slots in Carson city.

Drew: Alright, we’ll be right back.

Tony Bennett: [singing] Dulcolax, we’ll blow up your hole.

Drew: With more of the Price is Right.

Office Halloween Party

Sarah… Aidy Bryant

Leslie Jones

Ray Shawn… Kenan Thompson

Kyle Mooney

Cecily Strong

Greg… Beck Bennett

Charles… Kumail Nanjiani

Melissa Villaseñor

[Starts with people dancing in office Halloween party. They are all wearing different costumes and are dancing to the music.] [the music ends and they stop dancing]

Sarah: We just did the entire ‘Thriller’ dance.

Leslie: That was hot. Let’s do it again.

Ray Shawn: Alright. Who wants some non-alcoholic punch?

Kyle: Why do you have to call it non-alcoholic punch every time?

Ray Shawn: Coz I don’t want people to get excited about nothing.

Kyle: Ah! Cool point, Ray Shawn.

[phone ringing]

Cecily: Oh, I got it. [speaking on the phone] Hello. You guys, it’s Gregg. [Cut to split screen with Greg and Cecily] Hey, how’s the conference going, boss?

Greg: Very useful. I’m excited to share the info. Hey, could you put everyone on phone? I want to talk to the gang.

[Cut to everyone in the office party]

Cecily: Oh, yeah. [to everyone] Greg wants me to put him on phone.

Leslie: Of course he does. He loves a party.

Cecily: Okay, Greg, you’re on.

Greg: Hey, everyone. It’s Greg. Sorry, I had to miss the party.

Charles: How’s Miami?

Greg: How was that?

Charles: Miami, how is it?

Greg: Is this Charles?

Charles: No. This is Groot. [he is wearing Groot costume] [everyone laughing]

Greg: I’m sorry, who did you say it was?

Charles: I am groot.

Greg: Who? Mr. who? I’m having a hard time hearing.

Cecily: Get closer to the speaker. He will love that you said you are Groot.

Charles: I am Groot. I am Groot. You know? The tree guy?

Greg: Oh, I see. Am, listen guys, I’m just getting some lab results back here.

Kyle: TMI, Greg!

Greg: What was that?

Kyle: Sorry, Greg, go ahead.

[Cut to Greg]

Greg: Yeah. This is very uncomfortable and I hate doing this over the phone, but I was told I need to relay this information asap.

[Cut to everybody in the office listening silently] [Cut to Greg]

Did I lose you? Is everyone still there?

[Cut to everybody in the office]

Leslie: Yeah. Go ahead, Greg.

Greg: Yeah. It seems I somehow got hepatitis A and because I made that Halloween cake for you guys–

Melissa: Uh-huh.

Greg: Well, um, I didn’t know this, but apparently you can get it from someone making your food. So, I hope you didn’t eat the Halloween cake I made you.

Ray Shawn: Oh, Greg! That cake is gone.

Charles: Yeah, Greg. I think we all ate the cake.

Greg: I’m sorry, what was that?

Ray Shawn: The cake you’re talking about, Greg, we all had a piece.

Greg: Okay. So everyone had a piece of the cake I made?

Charles: Yeah, Greg. But I thought this kind of thing only happen to people with dirty kitchens.

Ray Shawn: Or people who, like, don’t wash their hands after they go to the bathroom and then make a cake.

Greg: Yeah. Well, those are a couple of possibilities. What is important is that you all have the information now.

Sarah: Actually, Greg, i didn’t have any of the cake. Does that mean that I’m okay?

Greg: Was that Yolanda?

Sarah: No. It’s Sarah.

Greg: Oh, Sarah. How areyou.

Sarah: Worried, Greg.

Greg: What was that?

Sarah: Well, I’m concerned. I didn’t eat any of the cake. Am I okay?

Greg: Oh, good! But unfortunately, I drank from your water bottle.

Sarah: Why, Greg?

Greg: Well, you said it was one of those fancy ones that kept drinks cold for seven hours. So, I wanted to see.

Sarah: Oh, Greg. What an inconvenience for me and my family.

Greg: Ah, I’m sorry, Sarah. Sorry everyone. But we can’t point fingers, right? The only productive thing to do now is to go to your GP and get the lab work done. But let’s try not to all go on the same day. Also, going forward, please wash your hands before handling food, okay?

Leslie: [sarcastically] Oh, thanks, Greg! For the hot tip.

Greg: Well, enjoy the rest of the party. I sure wish I could be there.

Charles: Okay, Greg. Well, you have certainly given us a lot to think about. And ultimately, we are glad you called. I’d like to think that this has brought us closer together as a company.

Greg: Alright, everybody. I really have to go.

Cecily: Okay. Bye, Greg. We will get tsted as you recommend and circle back with the results.

Greg: Yeah. That’s perfect.

[Cecily hangs up the phone]

Melissa: So, guys, should we do the ‘Thriller’ dance again?

[Ray Shawn is still eating the cake]

Kyle: [looking at Ray Shawn] What are you doing, man?

Ray Shawn: What? It’s a good cake!

Kellywise

Anderson Cooper… Alex Moffat

Heidi Gardner

Kellyanne Conway, Hillary Clinton… Kate McKinnon

Police… Kenan Thompson

Rachel Maddow… Cecily Strong

[Starts with a video clip of CNN logo commercial board]

Anderson Cooper: After senator Corker tweeted that the president was leading us on a path to World War III, [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his news set] White House Adviser Kellyanne Conway called those tweets “Incredibly irresponsible.” This woman does know that she works for president Donald Trump, right? What more can I say? I’m Anderson Cooper. Goodnight.

Heidi: And we’re out. [Cut to Anderson and Heidi walking in the studio hallway] Here’s the rundown for tomorrow.

Anderson Cooper: Okay. Do we have anybody for the third slot yet?

Heidi: Well, I know Kellyanne has been making the rounds.

Anderson Cooper: We that desperate?

[Cut to Anderson Cooper walking out of the office. It is raining and he is wearing yellow raincoat. As he is reading a paper while he’s walking, wind blows and carries away the paper.]

Dammit!

[The paper gets into the sewer. Anderson Cooper looks into the sewer when he sees two eyes in the dark. Anderson Cooper is scared. He looks again. It’s Kellyanne Conway inside the sewer like Pennywise from IT.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, Coopey.

Anderson Cooper: Who are you?

Kellyanne Conway: It’s me. Kellyanne Conway. But you can call me Kellywise. Kellywise, the dancing clown. It’s Kellyanne.

Anderson Cooper: What did you do to your makeup?

Kellyanne Conway: I toned it down. Put me on TV.

Anderson Cooper: I have to go.

Kellyanne Conway: Wait. Don’t go. Don’t you want a quote?

Anderson Cooper: No.

Kellyanne Conway: I’l give you quote. I’ll give you crazy, crazy quote. How about this? [quoting] Okay, so, Puerto Rico actually was worse before hurricane Maria, and the hurricane actually did blow some buildings back together. And I don’t know why Elizabeth Warren won’t tweet about that.

Anderson Cooper: that’s insane.

Kellyanne Conway: I know. Do you want another one?

Anderson Cooper: No. Shut up.

Kellyanne Conway: [quoting] Okay, so, secretary Tillerson did not call the president a moron. They were sharing a Sunday and the president asked if he wanted more sprinkles, and the secretary said, “More on.” Are you hooked? Put me on TV.

[Cut to the police]

Police: Hey! Don’t talk to her. Everyday she drags somebody into that sewer. Down there where the doodies are. Don’t believe me? Yesterday she got Rachel Maddow.

[Cut to Kellyanne Conway. Rachel Maddow walks to the light beside Kellyanne Conway.]

Rachel Maddow: You’ll float too, Anderson.

Anderson Cooper: Rachel?

Kellyanne Conway: Come on, Coopy. We need each other to survive.

Anderson Cooper: That’s a lie.

Kellyanne Conway: Put me on TV or I’ll have to show you your greatest fear.

Anderson Cooper: I’m not scared of anything.

Kellyanne Conway: Oh no? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Trump re-elected for second term’.]

Anderson Cooper: Ah!

Kellyanne Conway: Another one? [Kellyanne Conway shows a newspaper where the headline is ‘Anderson Cooper fat now’.]

Anderson Cooper: [screaming] No!

[Instead of Kellyanne Conway, there is Hillary Clinton now.]

Hillary Clinton: Anderson Cooper? Ha-ha-ha-ha. It’s good to see you.

Anderson Cooper: Hillary? Is that you?

Hillary Clinton: It’s me, down in the sewer. Where id you think I’d be? Michigan or Wisconsin? Ha-ha-ha. Hey, Anderson, would you help me out? [Hillary gives her hand to Anderson Cooper]

Anderson Cooper: No. This is a trick.

Hillary: No. It’s not a trick. It’s me. Hillary Rodham Clinton. Here, if you come down, I will give you a copy of my book, “What happened” by me, Hillary Rodham Clinton. [Anderson Cooper slowly gives his hand] Go on. Take it. Take it.

[As soon as Anderson Cooper puts his hand inside the sewer, Kellywise bites his hand and rips it off. Anderson Cooper is screaming.] [Cut to the police]

Police: Oh, damn!

[Police runs away] [Cut to Anderson Cooper crawling away from the swear with only one hand. Kellywise reaches him and pulls him into the sewer.] [Cut to Anderson Cooper in his set in the studio. He wakes up from his dream. Heidi walks in.]

Heidi: Anderson, are you okay?

Anderson Cooper: Oh my god, was I asleep?

Heidi: Yeah. We’re back on in five. Are you sure you’re okay?

Anderson Cooper: Um-hmm. Yeah. I’m fine. I just– I just haven’t been sleeping. [a red balloon flies away in front of Anderson Cooper. There is Kellyanne Conway sitting across the table for interview in the show. Anderson Cooper gets scared when he sees her.]

Kellyanne Conway: Hi, stranger. Thank you for booking me. It’s good to be back. Let’s give them a good show. Right, Coopy?

Anderson Cooper: Kellyanne?

[Cut to Kellywise dancing like Pennywise in a clown suit. Anderson Cooper is screaming.]

The Naomi Show

Naomi.. Gal Gadot

Vanessa… Aidy Bryant

AJ… Heidi Gardner

Wall… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with The Naomi Show intro] [Cut to Naomi in her set]

Naomi: Welcome back to Naomi. Today, we’re talking to moms about their terrible teens. Our next guest is Vanessa Rogers who is having a problem with her daughter.

[Cut to Vanessa]

Vanessa, how are you?

Vanessa: Real bad, Naomi. AJ is 13. And she’s physically abusive, she curses, she calls our minister a bitch. And I found so many straws in her room. I don’t know if they are used for drugs but they scare me. Okay? I blame myself coz she has no father figure.

[Cut to Naomi]

Naomi: Vanessa, I’m going to help you today. Today’s children sit around and play video games. Where I’m from, we had to grow up tough. And it sounds like AJ needs some tough love. AJ, come on out.

[AJ walks in with hands full of straws. The audience booing.]

AJ: Oh, screw you all. Go on. Go on. Hate on me. You know, y’all are jealous of me and my straws because you don’t even know what I use them for.

Naomi: Okay. That’s enough. AJ, take a seat. [AJ sits beside Vanessa] We’ve been talking to your mother and it sounds like you’re out of control. This has to stop today.

AJ: Naomi, I run things so much in my house that sometimes she calls me mom.

Naomi: Vanessa, is that true?

Vanessa: On occasion, yes.

Naomi: Well, on my show, no one gets bossed around. AJ, meet sergeant Wall.

[sirens] [Wall walks in]

Wall: Well, well, well. What do we have here? You must think you bad, huh? [Wall grabs AJ by her hand and pulls her front roughly] You wanna get you act together, young lady?

AJ: Nah!

Wall: You wanna be good in school?

AJ: Hah, nah!

Wall: What about that woman right there? Do you love that woman? You love her, right?

AJ: No.

Wall: You need to learn some respect. There is an opening in my boot camp for the next eight weeks. You can come live with me. Do you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yes, sir.

Wall: What?

AJ: yes, sir. I want you to be my daddy.

Wall: You do? You sure you want me to be your daddy?

AJ: Yeah. I have no daddy. But wait. Now, I do have a daddy. You are my daddy.

Wall: Well, I mean, you know, let’s just–

Vanessa: Oh, wow, this is not what I expected.

Naomi: This is obviously what AJ needs.

AJ: Tyler, Regan, all my friends watching at home, meet my dad!

Naomi: We are witnessing a live adoption, ladies and gentlemen.

[cheers and applause] [Cut to 5 in audience]

5: Um, excuse me. Excuse me. I work for the state and we’d love to help. We can make this done today. Hah?

[cheers and applause]

Wall: No. I think that might set a bad example. We should try to go through the proper channels.

AJ: Um, dad, I think we did. Because you just said you’re my dad, dad!

Vanessa: It is so good to have a man around the house again. And we can figure out the nature of our relationship. But let it be known, sergeant, that my vote is sexual.

Wall: Well, I am already in a relationship.

Vanessa: Okay. Well, then, I will be a side piece.

Naomi: No, no, no. No way. We don’t do that on my show. Sergeant wall, this is your family now. And you are going to treat them right.

AJ: I benefit from boundaries and stability. And dad, I’m happy to say I’m off my straws!

[AJ throws the straws away]

Wall: Okay. Y’all know I’m not really a sergeant, right? I mean, my name is Craig Willis. I’m an actor. You might have seen me on ‘Moesha’.

AJ: We don’t care what your job is, daddy. We love you.

Naomi: This is one of the most wonderful shows we’ve ever had. The birth of a family.

Vanessa:  Well. And, we’re expecting another.

Wall: Oh, damn! Okay.

Naomi: Another teen saved with a little tough love. When we come back, we’ll meet Paul, whose mother says he has never drank a glass of water.

 

The Chosen One

Chad… Pete Davidson

Elf… Mikey Day

Dwarf… Beck Bennett

Centaur… Kenan Thompson

Queen… Cecily Strong

[Starts with Chad playing video game in his room at night.] [Suddenly, there’s a glowing light in his closet. Chad walks to the closet and opens it. He sees a portal inside and he walks through it. He reaches to a different world where it’s snowing. There are two men and a centaur welcoming him.]

Elf: Welcome. Our prophets told of a savior. He would arrive from another land to free our world from the grip of darkness. What is your birth name?

Chad: Chad.

Centaur: The dark lord Azerhan and his army of shadows has entombed our world in ice and snow.

Dwarf: Only you can defeat him, Chad.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: We must inform the queen of your arrival.

[Queen walks in]

Queen: No need. I felt his presence. I am queen Chrysalis, ruler of Assyria and the nine rivers from Stark to Everseed.

Elf: Okay.

Queen: There was a time when the meadows bloomed. And there is hope that they may bloom again for today marks your coming.

Chad: [giggling] Coming.

Queen: You are the savior of Assyria. So says the prophecy.

All: So says the prophecy.

Chad: Okay.

Queen: But you must undertake a dangerous journey. [Chad is using his phone] You may return to your world at any time if you desire. The choice is yours. But be warned.

Centaur: He left.

Queen: What?

[Elf walks forward]

Go.

Elf: My leige.

Queen: Yes.

[Cut to Chad playing video game in his room. Elf walks in his room through the portal.]

Elf: Chad, why did you leave?

Chad: I was bored.

Elf: Can you come back for a moment? We weren’t done.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad and Elf walk through the portal again]

Queen: Thank you, Chad. You have chosen to follow your destiny.

Dwarf: First, you must climb the mountain of despair.

Chad: Okay.

Centaur: Then ford the river of flame.

Chad: Okay.

Elf: And survive the forest of translucent transgressions.

Queen: And after the veil of evil is lifted, you will become king and I will give you with my virginity.

Chad: Dope! [Chad opens his pants]

Queen: After your journey.

Chad: Oh, okay. [Chad wears his pants back on]

Queen: To aid you on this quest, we give you these items.

Centaur: From the order of the centauri, I present you with this map to guide you. [Centaur passes a map to Chad] Thousands of my kind died beyond the mountains to create it. May they rest with the gods.

[As they are bowing to Chad, the wind blows the map away.]

Dwarf: And from the kingdom of dwarves, I give you the crystal of Gumligin to light your path. [Dwarf puts a crystal necklace on Chad. The crystal is glowing.]

Chad: Gay.

Elf: And from the Elven council, the sword of the great warrior, Ashton. [Elf gives Chad a sword. Chad starts swinging the sword randomly.]

Queen: Safe travels, young warrior. May the great gods bless you.

Chad: Okay.

[Chad turns around and walks away]

Elf: That boy is our last hope.

Queen: I do not see a boy. I see a warrior.

[Chad is holding the sword as if it is his penis]

Chad: Ha-ha. Look!

Dwarf: Hah! It’s like his sword is his penis. Very clever.

[The End]

Mirage

Kenan Thompson

Mark… Beck Bennett

Natalia… Gal Gadot

Mikey Day

Kyle Mooney

Manager… Leslie Jones

[Starts with Kenan and Mark walking in a desert]

Kenan: Oh, there’s nothing. Just sand.

Mark: We haven’t had water for days. Our best bet is to stop and hope they will find us.

[Kenan and Mark sit]

Kenan: Oh! Natgeo.com doesn’t have the budget to search the whole Arabian desert for two B-roll cameramen. [looks around] Oh, wait. You see that, Mark?

Mark: No. If you’re seeing something, it must be a mirage.

[Cut to the open desert. Kenan is seeing a lemonade stand in the middle of the desert.]

Kenan: But it looks so real.

Lemonade girl: Hey there, you big thirsty guy? Do you wanna have some ice-cold lemonade?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh my god! Natalia, my wife’s trainer? Why am I seeing her?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Mark: Your brain is just giving you what you want to see.

[Cut to Natalia]

Natalia: Hey there, bit thirsty. I can’t drink all this lemonade by myself, silly guy.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Well, then we got work to do, baby.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: [breathing heavy] Oh, I think I’m seeing something too.

[Cut to the open desert. Mark is seeing Jamba Juice stand.]

Mikey: I got a banana-mataz for Mark. Banana-mataz with a zinc boost for Mark.

Kyle: Sir! Your banana-mataz with zinc boost is at the counter. Once again, Mark!

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: What the hell?

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: What? What do you see, brother?

Mark: The Jamba Juice by my old work.

Kenan: Oh. Well, who’s making your smoothies? Some swimsuit model?

Mark: No. It’s the actual guys who worked at the Jamba Juice. Why is this what my brain is making me see right now? Are mirages supposed to be like a fantasy?

Kenan: Well, I wish you were seeing what I’m seeing.

[Cut to Natalia holding two lemons and teasing him]

Natalia: Hey, big thirsty. If you want to have your lemonade, you have got to dance with me.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, it’s a deal. [to Mark] How you doing, man?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I’m seeing a woman now.

[Cut to Kenan and Mark]

Kenan: Oh, alright. Who?

Mark: The manager and she hated me.

[Cut to Manager standing in front of the Jamba Juice stand and yelling at Mark]

Manager: Hey! You have a banana-mataz at the counter. Go get your damn banana-mataz juice.

[Cut to Mark looking frightened]

Mark: Oh, god! I don’t want to see the Jamba Juice staff right now.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, man. The sun is getting hotter. I’m burning up.

[Cut to Natalia holding a hand-fan and teasing Kenan]

Natalia: Oh, so hot. I had to lose my shirt. I’m probably a stinky little lady because I’m so sweaty.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Damn, this lemonade stand is getting pretty sexy.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: So is Jamba Juice.

[Cut to Mikey and Kyle playing at Jamba Juice stand shirtless.]

Kyle: Damn, sir. It’s hot as hell today.

Mikey: Yeah! By the way, I’ve still got a–

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: — A banana-mataz for Mark. I know! [to Kenan] I want to see what you’re seeing.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Oh, Natalia? Well, I mean, I showed you that photo of her. Just picture it.

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Okay. Come on, brain. Natalia. Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia behind Jamba Juice stand]

Natalia: Hey there, handsome sweaty guy. I’ve never made a smoothie before. Will you help me?

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: I would love to, Natalia.

[Cut to Natalia. She eats a strawberry.]

Natalia: Umm. Strawberry is my favorite.

[Mikey and Kyle walk in]

Mikey: You can’t be behind here.

Kyle: You cannot be behind the counter.

[Mikey and Kyle pushes Natalia away] [Cut to Mark]

Mark: No! Natalia left!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Same over here. But I don’t mind her replacement.

[Cut to Manager behind the lemonade stand]

Manager: Let’s drink some lemonade, dude!

First Date

Amelia… Gal Gadot

OJ Simpson… Kenan Thompson

Waiter… Chris Redd

Waitress… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with OJ and Amelia in a restaurant on a date]

OJ: This place is really nice.

Amelia: Oh, you like it? I haven’t been here in years. I was worried it might have changed.

[A waitress walks in and rudely picks up their plates and walks away]

OJ: Well, service might have gone downhill.

Amelia: Uh, you think? Ha-ha.[Cut to Amelia] Listen, Amelia, I have got to be honest with you. I am a little nervous. This is my first Bumble date.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, yeah, right. That’s what everyone says.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: No, no, no. I swear. I never used dating apps before. But hey, [raises his glass of wine] to trying new things.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: To trying new things. [Hitting Amelia’s glass with her’s]

Amelia: Alright. So, um, Amelia, what kind of name is that?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Well, I’m originally from Bosnia-Herzegovina. Do you know of it?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I think so. You guys had a big war there in the 90s, right?

OJ: Yeah. [Cut to OJ] Yes. It was the war for independence.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: That probably dominated all the news around there, huh?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, big time. Yea, of course. We were very, very isolated from the outside world. It was horrible.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Well, I’m glad you survived, so I could meet you.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: Aw, me too. So, um, OJ, is that a nickname?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Um, no. Actually, it’s my first and middle name. Orenthal James. I did have a nickname for a little while. “Juice”, as in juice is loose?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Loose from what?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: [shaking his head] Just a juice container. I guess. You know, it’s silly.

[A waiter walks in with their food]

Waiter: Okay. For the lady we have the halibut and for the gentleman we have the steak, the lamb chops and the burger and fries.

OJ: I can’t believe you ordered all that.

Amelia: Oh, I’m sorry. I’m starving. I feel like I haven’t eaten a decent meal in years.

Waiter: [giving his fist to Amelia] My man.

Amelia: Oh, you know what it is.

[Waiter walks away]

OJ: Wait a second. [Cut to OJ] Are you famous or something?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Who? Me? No. I’m mean not really famous. So, when you are dating somebody, you like, ever Google them?

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh. No. I really prefer the mystery of it. You know, to sit together, talk to you face to face.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Fantastic. Fantastic. I feel the same way. Plus, you know, there is a lot of fake news out there.

[A woman walks in]

Woman: [to OJ] I’m sorry. I just wanna say I can’t believe you’re sitting here having dinner with this man. [to Amelia] You are disgusting.

[The woman walks away]

OJ: What was that all about?

Amelia: Well, I’m sad to admit this. But when you look like I do in this country, people treat you differently.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: You mean because of racism?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Yes. [Cut to OJ and Amelia] Um, OJ, I gotta confess something. This steak is incredible. You want some?

OJ: Sure. Why not?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Alright, cool. Give me a second. [Amelia is trying to cut the steak] For some reason they gave me a plastic knife. [He can’t cut the steak] Meanwhile, why do’t you tell me a little bit about yourself.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Uh-uh, mister, I’m not done with you yet.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: Oh, your witness, counselor.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia]

OJ: So, what exactly is it that you do? [Cut to OJ] In your profile you just wrote this and that.

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: I mean, you could say I’m semi-retired but I was actually a pretty good athlete back in the day.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Oh, so that’s why people recognize you?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It could be from that. Yes. Sure.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: So, do you still have any of your trophies or awards?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: You know, it’s funny that you bring that up. I mean, coz I tried getting some of those back a few years ago. I mean, you know, [yelling] since they were mine to begin with! But it was a little harder than I thought.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Wow. So you’re an athlete too. Pfft. I have to ask, how is it that you are still single?

[Cut to Amelia]

Amelia: It’s a mystery.

[Cut to OJ and Amelia] [phone ringing]

OJ: Oh, excuse me. It’s my friend. I told her to call me in case you were a psycho.

Amelia: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

[Cut to OJ]

OJ: Hey, Rachel. No, no, no. Everything is okay. Don’t worry. I’m having a really good time with OJ. Muah!

[as soon as OJ hangs up the phone, it starts ringing and receiving messages]

Oh, I’ll just turn this off.

Amelia: Yeah. That’s probably a great idea. Maybe some others here could take a cue from that and turn their phones off too!

[Cut to a group of people taking pictures of OJ and Amelia with their mobile phones]

You know, hey, let’s get out of here, OJ. Some people have no shame. [OJ and Amelia stand] I tell my friend AC to pull the car around. You know, I almost forgot. I wanted to show you the license plate. I made it myself.

[looking at the camera] Still got it! [winking]

Espionage

Kenan Thompson

Perkins… Alex Moffat

Jensen… Luke Null

Sabine… Gal Gadot

Vixen… Cecily Strong

Kay… Aidy Bryant

Mr. Hodges… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with three men inside a van with spying equipments]

Kenan: Perkins, you’re about to go head to head with one of Europe’s most cunning spies. Are you ready for this?

Perkins: I am, sir.

Kenan: Okay, Jensen, do you have a secure video link?

Jensen: Yeah. It’s encrypted end to end. She should be coming through on your screen now.

Perkins: Um, Sabine, hello.

[Cut to Sabine. she is wearing all black and has a black eye patch.]

Sabine: Good evening, Mr. Perkins. At long last, we speak in person.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Let’s cut to the chase. We need the flash drive that you are carrying.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: You Americans, all business no play, huh? I believe this is what you’re looking for? And if you want it, you will have to give me..[the video has glitches and Sabine’s speech is inaudible] [Cut to three men in the van]

Kenan: Jensen, what the hell? Why did we lose her?

Jensen: I think it’s interference in the signal, sir. I’m trying to get her back.

[Cut to their screen. Sabine’s cam is turned off. ‘Sexy Slut Now’ live video is turned on. There are two women at the kitchen. One is sitting on the table and another is smoking in front of the webcam.]

Vixen: Okay, guys. Webcam is live. Nice to see you again if you are returning. If you are new, I’m miss Vixen. And y’all remember Kay? Kay sat on the cake yesterday.

Kay: Hi, guys. Hope you are ready with your tips because I’m feeling nasty.

Vixen: That’s right. Just click the tip button the the right of the screen and Kay and I will try to make your wildest fantasies come true.

Kay: Oh, yeah, baby. Get creative!.

[Cut to the men in van]

Kenan: What is this?

Perkins: Well, sir, it looks like these ladies are doing a sexy webcam show in what looks like a filthy kitchen.

Kenan: I know that, but why are we looking at it, Jenson?

Jensen: I’m sorry, sir. It seems like they’re piggybacking on Sabine’s wifi or something. Just one second.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Do you agree to my terms or no?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: I’m sorry. I lost you for a second. I need you to repeat all that.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Oh, I don’t have time for silly games. I give you 15 minutes to make the deposit or I’ll go to someone else.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: No. No, no. I’ll get it to you. Just tell me where.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Of course. Just deposit the money in the account that I give you — [[the video has glitches and it switches to Vixen and Kay]

Vixen: This is for you, Bootycall41. Thank you for your tips. Kay! You have to get to into the microphone. He is asking for a louder crunch.

Kay: Oh, you got it, baby.

[Vixen and Kay are eating pickles and making loud chewing sound]

Vixen: You like how we crunching this pickle?

Kay: Show us with your tips.

[Cut to the men in the van]

Kenan: Dammit! Why is this happening?

Perkins: Well, sir, it seems like Bootycall41 must have some kind of crunch fetish and he is willing to pay for it, I guess.

Kenan: I know this. Just fix it, Jenson.

Jensen: I’m trying, sir.

Kenan: Well, now, what are they doing?

[Cut to Vixen and Kay.Kay is sitting on a chair and Vixen is turning it round.]

Kay: Oh! I’m dizzy!

Vixen: Yeah? You like that Saggysack77? I got Kay all dizzy for you. Now, you got to walk around, Kay, he wants to see you walking all dizzy.

Kay: Okay. Here I go. [Kay stands and falls right after] [Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: [giggling] Did you see that? She landed on her face.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: Who landed on her face?

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: Um, no one. Nothing, Sabine. Now, let’s finish this.

[Cut to Vixen and Kay. Mr. Hodges is standing in the middle and Vixen and Kay are dancing around him.]

Vixen: Oh, Mr. Hodges has joined the party.

Kay: Yeah. You like that, Mr. Hodges?

Mr. Hodge: We’ll get more soon.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: Now, where did Mr. Hodges come from?

Perkins: Um, I’d say he is probably a cool neighbor. A dude they play with but nothing serious.

[Sabine is back]

Sabine: This is very serious. I’m done playing games. Wire $40 million to the account I’m sending you now.

[Cut to Perkins]

Perkins: What? $40 million? You said $20 million.

[Cut to Sabine]

Sabine: Well, I changed my mind. You have 10 seconds.

[Cut to men in the van]

Perkins: [to Kenan] What do I do?

Kenan: Send it!

Perkins: Okay, Sabine. You win.

[Perkins presses enter] [Cut to Vixen and Kay. Perkins mistakenly send the money to them.]

Vixen: Oh, my god! We just got $40 million in tips.

Kay: I’m gonna buy an aquarium.

[Cut to men in the van]

Kenan: What? What the hell? You sent the money to Ms. Vixen and Kay? Get it back.

Jensen: I can’t sir. It’s in their tip jar. It’s their’s.

Perkins: Argh! What do we do?

Kenan: I guess we figure out what we want to see these ladies do and watch it. I vote for the pickle thing.

Perkins: Definitely.

Jensen: Yeah, me too.

[cut to Vixen and Kay eating pickles]

Vixen: You like that crunch? That’s vlasic, baby!

Ryan Gosling Jazz Monologue

Ryan Gosling

Kenan Thompson

Emma Stone

[Starts with SNL monologue intro] [Cut to SNL stage] [Band is playing music]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Ryan Gosling.

[Ryan Gosling walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Ryan Gosling: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much. I am so honored to be here hosting SNL again. It’s my second time. It’s the season premiere. Jay-Z is here. I mean, I haven’t felt this excited since I saved Jazz. [audience laughing] You guys know I saved Jazz, right? I mean I did this movie La La Land and then everyone was saying that I saved jazz. I guess it was dying and I saved it. But more importantly, I have a movie coming out called Blade Runner 2049 with Harrison Ford. [cheers and applause] Yes, it’s very exciting. It opens in a week. And yes, for those of you who are curious, I was the last person who thought he would save jazz. I mean I was like, “Me, Ryan Gosling, all like a white kid from Canada, I guess I can try and save jazz.” So, I did. Anyway, that’s beside the point.

The first day of shooting on Blade Runner, I met Harrison Ford and he walks right up to me and he looks me right in the eye and he says, “Ryan, what the heck is jazz?” Well, let me unpack that a little for you, Harrison.

[Ryan Gosling takes a seat to play the piano] [cheers and applause]

I learned this jazz on the movie. It’s like music in motion. The notes are talking to each other and giving each other a little kiss. But sometimes, notes get into fights and this one stops talking to that one. And then this one is like, “Screw you guys, I’m doing my own thing.” But you know what? They always make up. [Ryan Gosling lights up a cigarette using his both hands, but the piano is still playing] Now, jazz was born in New Orleans or as it’s correctly pronounced, Nerlens. And then from Nerlens– From Nerlens they moved on to Chicagi and then to NYC city. And let me tell you, jazz was the thing. Jazz was where it was at. And then it almost died and I saved it.

The budget for Blade Runner was insane. It was like 9 billion. 9 billion. As many notes as there are in jazz. But jazz isn’t just about the notes you play. It’s about, the notes you don’t play. You know what I mean? I’m so glad I saved jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks in]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, what’s up, man?

Ryan Gosling: Oh, hey, Kenan.

[Kenan Thompson pulls Ryan Gosling to the stage away from piano]

Kenan Thompson: Yeah.

Ryan Gosling: What’s up?

Kenan Thompson: Just would love to chat with you in private a little bit. Yeah, we’re done with that. Thanks. Dude, what are you doing out here? You talking about jazz and Chicai and Nerlens, and nobody wants to hear you do that.

[Kenan Thompson pulls the cigarette out of Ryan Gosling’s mouth]

Ryan Gosling: Said the guy who didn’t save jazz.

Kenan Thompson: You didn’t save jazz. It was sarcasm. It was a joke.

Ryan Gosling: Well, I don’t care, Kenan. Because jazz is all about going with the flow, and this is the flow I’m feeling right now.

Kenan Thompson: Well, you are a bad ambassador for jazz.

[Kenan Thompson walks away]

Ryan Gosling: [pointing at the band] These guys know what I’m talking about, don’t you? Huh? Come on, hit it.

[the band start playing jazz music]

You see, the sax is ripping with the guitars. Hold on. Guys, guys, guys. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please, please. The thing is if you play jazz that loud, then people can’t hear me talking about jazz. That’s what we’re all here for, isn’t it? Isn’t it?

[Emma Stone walks in]

Emma Stone: Hey, hey! Ryan! Ryan! [cheers and applause] Can I speak to you for just a second?

Ryan Gosling: Emma, didn’t you hear? I just jazz good with the guys.

Emma Stone: Yeah. I did. You jazz fine. What are you doing? Ryan, you didn’t save jazz. How many times  have we talked about this?

Ryan Gosling: A lot.

Emma Stone: Yeah. A lot. Because you didn’t save jazz. We saved jazz. [Emma Stone takes a puff of a cigarette] [cheers and applause]

Isn’t that right, NYC city?

Ryan Gosling: You’re right. [band playing music] We’ve got a great show for you tonight.

Emma Stone: Jay-Z is here.

Ryan Gosling: So stick around. We’ll be right back.

Henrietta & The Fugitive

Beck Bennett

Alex Moffat

Aidy Bryant

Mackenzie… Ryan Gosling

Farmer… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with two police officers looking for a criminal]

Beck: We know you’re in here, Mackenzie.

Alex: Come out, you bank robbing son of a bitch.

Beck: Nothing. Just a bunch of hay, cobwebs and this lonely, lonely hen.

[Cut to Hen. She is a chicken] [Cut to all]

Alex: [to the chicken] Have you seen anyone around here, hen? We’re looking for a fugitive.

Hen: Uh, who me? Oh, I haven’t seen a thing.

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Alright, big help, chicken. Let’s check the gas station down the road.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Good luck, boys. Buk-buk-buk-buk-buk-buk.

[The policemen walk out. Mackenzie comes in.]

Mackenzie: oh, babe. You played them like a fiddle. Oh, I told you you were a star.

Hen: Oh, you make me feel like a star, Freddy.

Mackenzie: Good luck, boys. Oh baby, how do you come up with this stuff?

Hen: Oh! You’re a flirt. I can’t believe you are taking me to Spain.

Mackenzie: Where? Oh, yeah, Spain. You better believe it, baby. And as long as the cops stay out of my business, it will just be you and me and Sangria and Paella from here on out.

Hen: And corn, right?

Mackenzie: Oh, sure. Little glistening loose kernels of corn like yellow diamonds as far as the eye can see.

Hen: Oh. I can’t believe I’m trading a barn for Barcelona.

Mackenzie: Alright, that’s enough for tonight. I’ll hit the lights and we’ll get some shut eye. [walking away and talking to himself] Come on, Freddy. What are you doing? She’s a chicken. You’re a lone wolf. You use them and you leave them. But what if she’s the one? Oh, stop.

Hen: Oh, Freddie, you called the airline, right? Ask them if you can bring a hen on the plane with her eggs?

Mackenzie: Oh, yeah. Those airline people, they even have the egg heaters on first class.

Hen: Oh, you got me going. Come on here.

[Hen and Mackenzie are about to kiss] [door knocking] [Beck and Alex walk in again]

Beck: Alright. Listen up, chicken. We found the crooks bandanna outside. Are you sure you haven’t seen anyone?

Hen: Why would I lie?

Alex: Ah! Let’s go search at his wife’s place.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh? I’m sorry. You are going to go where?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: At his wife’s. A beautiful woman. Long legs, soft kissable lips. Two arms with hands. Everything a fellow could want.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: Oh. One other thing. Are there egg heaters on airplanes?

Beck: [laughing] No.

Hen: Not even in first class?

[Cut to Beck and Alex]

Beck: Chickens can’t go on planes. Sorry sweetheart.

[Cut to Hen]

Hen: I see. [sad music playing] [Hen is crying] [Beck and Alex walk out and Mackenzie comes in]

Mackenzie: Now, Henny, you look at me. You look at me, Henny. You can’t listen to them.

Hen: You lied. You lied about everything. You even said you didn’t have a gun. Oh, what’s this? There, I got it. Oh! [Hen pulls out a gun out of Hen’s pocket]

Mackenzie: Careful! That’s a gun, Henrietta.

Hen: Oh, you think I don’t know anything coz I fumble with my wings. Well, you took me for a fool.

Mackenzie: Listen, yes. I did use you. And I am still married. And I am a criminal and I’m terrified of prison. But dammit, I have grown to love you.

[Farmer walks in]

Farmer: Hey, you done with that scarf yet? [looks at Mackenzie] Oh, man, who’s this?

[gun shot. Hen shoots Farmer.]

Oh! Henrietta, why?

[Farmer falls down] [Beck and Alex walk in]

Beck: The farmer’s been shot.

Alex: And the hen’s holding the gun.

Beck: Put down the ross-co, hen. You’re coming to jail.

[Mackenzie walks in]

Mackenzie: No! You leave her alone. You leave her out of this. I shot that farmer.

Hen: No!

Mackenzie: Don’t listen to her. I’m just a big stupid little fool.

Alex: Why did you shoot him?

[Mackenzie looks at Hen]

Mackenzie: I did it for someone I love.

[Beck puts Mackenzie in handcuffs]

I’m sorry.

Hen: I love you.

[20 years later] [Mackenzie walks out of jail. Hen is waiting for him.]

Mackenzie: Where to, Señorita?

Hen: Barcelona.

[Hen and Mackenzie kiss]