Weekend Update Charles Barkley on the 2019 NCAA Final Four | Season 44 Episode 17

Michael Che

Charles Barclay… Kenan Thompson

Colin Jost

[Starts with Michael Che in his set]

Michael Che: Tonight is the start of the final four with Virginia Beating Charles Barclays Alma Mater Auburn. Here to talk about it is Charles Barclay.

[Charles Barclay joins Michael Che]

Charles Barclay: Boom! Muscles. What’s up, Michael? This is Charles Barkley, yeah, Auburn.

Michael Che: Auburn lost by one. Why are you so happy?

Charles Barclay: Because they came with the spread, man, yeah. Still, it was fun to see my school in the final four. [Cut to Charles Barclay ] They said, “It was going to be historic.” I said, “Yes, it is.” They said,”It’s going to be a party.” I said, “You’re damn right.” They said, “It’s going to be in Minneapolis.” I said, “Y’all have fun.”

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: You don’t’ like Minneapolis, Charles?

Charles Barclay: Man, it’s crazy place, Michael. [Cut to Charles Barclay] The only think black in Minnesota is toe nails. They ain’t got no beach out there. Just a big old lake. They’re lake people, Michael. Lake people are shady. The only thing worse than lake people is river people. Oh, river people come at you like little beavers.

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: So you won some money on the game?

Charles Barclay: Yes, yes. But not enough, I already lost $50,000 on my bracket.

Michael Che: What did you bet to win it all, Duke?

Charles Barclay: No, I bet everything on Hogwards Central. [Cut to Charles Barclay] I thought if a team of black wizards couldn’t win it all, nobody could. And then, later I found out that is not a real school but something from a Wayans Brothers script that got sent to me in 2004. You think that a former student athlete like myself would make better decisions?

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: Student athlete? Did you even go to class?

Charles Barclay: Oh, sure I did, and I was good student too because they let me major in Blackjack.

Michael Che: Still, college must have been fun back then.

Charles Barclay: Oh, yeah. The ‘80s man! [Cut to Charles Barclay] It was a crazy time. Dancing was illegal and every dog had sunglasses. 35 years ago I was a kid with a dream of being in a movie with Michael Jordan and Tweety Bird. And I did it. I was an NBA MVP, an Olympic gold medalist, and over my career I made about $50 million.

[Cut to Michael Che and Charles Barclay]

Michael Che: Wow.

Charles Barclay: And I gambled away $60 million.

Michael Che: Charles Barkley, everybody.

Charles Barclay: Somebody give me some money to put on.

Michael Che: It’s Weekend Update. I’m Michael Che.

Colin Jost: I’m Colin Jost. Goodnight.

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA