Tag: Kendra

Whats Your Type

DJ Snizz… Ego Nwodim

Tampa Bay Janae… Cecily Strong

Kendra… Regina King

Matt… Kyle Mooney

Kevin… Alex Moffat

Link… Mikey Day

[Starts with “What’s Your Type?” intro]

DJ Snizz: Hey, y’all. It’s what’s your type where we match a sexy single with her perfect man. Here’s your host, the girl who got famous by pulling her butt cheeks apart on snapchat, it’s Tampa Bay Janae.

[Tampa walks in]

Tampa: Yes. Boo for it, bitch. I’m famous. Y’all know me @tbayjanae Insta, and Miss Tampa Janae on Onlyfans, if you want to pay to see me naked. DJ Snizz, who’s today’s sexy single?

DJ Snizz: She’s a Marketing Supervisor from Oakland who’s 39 and half years old. It’s Kendra.

[Kendra walks in]

Tampa: Hey. How are you feeling, Kendra?

Kendra: I don’t love that you guys did my exact age, but I’m good.

Tampa: Hell, yeah. Now, based on Kendra’s side, we found three potential love matches. But she can only pick one for that hell of romantic date on us. So Kendra, tell us…

DJ Snizz and Tampa: What’s… Your…

Tampa: NO! Only me. It’s just me for this part. What’s… your… type?

Kendra: Well, I’m looking for a sure thing. A man that will worship me. That’s why I want a cringy white dude in his early 40s. Corny, awkward or douche, this freak likes to binge on cringe.

Tampa: Well Kendra, it was not hard to find three single cringy white dudes of a certain age. Let’s meet them. First, we got Matt Stainer.

Matt: Kendra, how psyched are you on Kamala Harris? I support strong women and if you don’t, shame on you. You should die.

DJ Snizz: [shaking her head no] I ain’t like that. Um-umm.

Kendra: That is some top-shelf cringe right there. Mama likey.

Tampa: You’re serious? Okay. Alright, next is Kevin Farkiss.

Kevin: Kendra, this song’s for you, my queen. Two, three, four.

[singing] say one, two, three
princess, kneel before you
just go ahead now and pick me
and I will adore you

Did I mention that I’m a musician? Thank you.

Kendra: Ooh, baby. Who wouldn’t like that?

Tampa: Well, looks like DJ Snizz didn’t love it. She looks like she’s in a Japanese horror movie right now.

Kendra: Well, Kevin has got it going on. Ding, I’m cooked. America, I’m officially in heat.

Tampa: At least someone is. And finally, meet Link Bronwin.

Link: Hello, Kindra. Happy black history month to you.

DJ Snizz: No. No, no, no. No.

Link: They told us to say something flirty here, but forgive me, I’m not the best at being flirty. Oh, I can feel my face getting red. I’m crushing and burning. I’ll be in here. [Link hides inside his sweater]

Kendra: Do me right now. [Kendra runs towards Link. Tampa stops her.]

Tampa: No, no, no. Come back. Not yet. Okay. Looks like you’re feeling link, huh?

Kendra: Um, Yeah. Can I do that? Oh, I’m a puddle right now.

Tampa: You are? Okay. Because I’m a desert. DJ Snizz hated it so much, she just melted like a witch from OZ. Well Kendra, now is your chance to get to know these guys better by asking a sexy question.

Kendra: Alright, boys. What do you think is your sexiest quality? Matt?

Matt: Huh? Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about the barriers broken down by Ruth Bader Ginsberg. Rest in power.

Kendra: Put my tongue back in my mouth. Okay, I’m liking that dumb ass. Kevin, same question.

Kevin: My sexiest qualitae, I’m told me lips, but to find out, you’re just going to have to…

[singing] Kiss me, down by the broken tree house

Tampa: We have to pay money when you sing these songs. So please, stop.

Kendra: Link, what’s sexiest about you, baby?

Link: Hmm, my weiner. No. Just kidding. Probably my sense of humor. Jokes and stuffies. Impressions. [doing the impression] Uh-huh, I’m a French man, you escago! Oh, that bombed. Oh, no. Please get the camera off of me.

Kendra: Check please.

Tampa: Okay. I think I just got menopause. So, who’s it going to be, Kendra?

Kendra: I knew from the moment he made eye contact with me. Link. That weird man right there is king of cringe.

Tampa: Okay. Say hi to your guy, Link Bronwin.

Link: Yeah.

[Kendra and Link walk to each other]

Okay, I’m going to hug you now. [awkward movements and kisses her shoulder] I don’t know why I did that.

Kendra: That was as sexiest hug I’ve ever had. Please come with me, you cringy son of a bitch.

[Kendra takes Link to the backstage]

Tampa: Okay, well, have fun, lovebirds. When we come back, we got a performance by TikTok rapper, Lil’ Idiot.

Office Boss with Cameron Diaz

Mitchell… Kenan Thompson

Nancy, Mrs. Patterson… Cameron Diaz

Kendra… Sasheer Zamata

Richard, Mr. Patterson… Beck Bennett

[Starts with a clip of a big house]

Mitchell: Well, thank you so much for having me and my wife over, Mrs. Patterson.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra at the dining hall]

Nancy: Of course. Anything for my husband’s new CFO.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: Oh! Well, he hasn’t given me the promotion just yet.

Kendra: Oh, honey, he will. Where is Mr. Patterson anyway? I’m excited to meet him.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Well, he’s just finishing up some work upstairs. Now, Kendra, there’s three things that you should know about my husband. He’s the most brilliant man that I have ever met. His stories can be a little dry though. And he has the body of a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell, Nancy and Kendra]

Kendra: What’s the third one?

[Cut to Richard sitting on the stairs, moving around his legs.]

Richard: Oh, hi there. Hope everyone brought their appetites.

[Cut to everybody]

Nancy: There is the man at the hour.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Be down in just a sec.

[Richard slides down.]

Oopsie daisy! Mitchell, so glad you could finally come over for dinner. Those last quarter of numbers are definitely a cause for celebration.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Honey, what am I looking at?

Mitchell: You’re looking at the man who’s gonna make me CFO.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Come join us at the table sweetheart.

[Cut to Richard]

Richard: Yes, ma’am.

[Richard stands up like a baby. He cannot balance on his feet properly.]

Boss man walking.

[He walks like a baby to the table]

Oh! Nancy brought out the good China. [Richard grabs the place in front of him] This was a gift from Warren Buffett.

[Richard starts shaking the plate here and there like a baby then bites the plate.] [Cut to everybody. Richard passes the plate to Mitchell]

Mitchell: Oh! Thank you.

[Mitchell bites the plate too.] [Cut to Richard]

Richard: Uh, Mitchell, why are you sucking my plate?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: I do not have an answer.

Kendra: So, Nancy, how long have you two been married?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, it will be 10 years in October. Mitchell, has Richard ever told you the story of our engagement?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Mitchell: He hasn’t.

Kendra: I actually have a lot of questions about your relationship.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Well, Richard and I, we’re in Greece and I just knew he was going to propose.

[Richard starts putting his hand on Nancy’s face] [Nancy kisses Richard’s hands.]

So, we’re on this beautiful boat cruise. The sun is setting.

[Richard is putting his hand on Nancy’s face again. Nancy blows on Richard’s hand.]

Everything is perfect and he eats the ring.

Richard: I did, I ate it.

Nancy: The next day, I found it on his diapy and I said, “Yes.” Shall we eat?

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: Sure, that story made me really hungry.

[Cut to everybody taking their seats.]

Nancy: Go ahead, everybody. Take a seat.

Mitchell: Oh, I’m sorry. It looks like we need one more chair.

[Cut to Richard on a baby walker.]

Richard: No, got my own.

[Richard walks forward on baby walker.]

So, Mitchell, how are we looking for next quarter?

Nancy: Ah! Ah! No, no, no, no! No work at the table. In fact, Richard and I have a bit of an announcement to make.

Richard: That’s right. We’re having a baby.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.]

Kendra: Oh, wow.

Mitchell: For real?

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I’m excited but nervous. You know, I don’t know anything about being a mom.

[Nancy feeds Richard like she’s feeding a baby making different noises.]

Pup-pup-pup. Yum-yum-yum-yum.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra. They are shocked.] [Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: Yum-yum-yum-yum. Who’s the good boy? There you go.

Richard: Well, I’m not worried. You’re gonna be a great mother.

Nancy: Aw!

Richard: Come here, you.

[Nancy leans forward for a kiss, but Richard blows on her mouth.] [Cut to Mitchell and Kendra.]

Mitchell: Could we maybe just do a little toast here? Congratulations.

[Cut to everybody. They all raise their glasses.]

Everybody: A toast.

Richard: Oh! Look at that. [Cut to Nancy and Richard] A lemon. I’ve been meaning to try one of these.

[Richard takes the lemon on his glass and puts it in his mouth, then spits it out.]

Hmm, it’s good. It’s tart.

Nancy: It seems like you don’t like it sweety.

[Cut to Richard. He eats the lemon again and makes funny faces.]

Richard: No, I do. It’s just– It’s strong. Well, you two should probably head out. I’m tired-tired and I wanna go night-night.

[Cut to Mitchell and Kendra]

Kendra: It’s 7:15.

[Cut to Nancy and Richard]

Nancy: I know. That’s very late for him. Okay, Richard, let’s say goodnight. [Nancy stands up] High five, come on.

[Mitchell walks to Richard giving him a palm to high-five on]

Mitchell: High-five, buddy.

Nancy: High-five. He usually does it. It’s so weird. High-five honey. Come on.

[Richard high-fives Mitchell’s palm like a baby]

Mitchell: Yay!

[Kendra walks in with her palm for Richard to high-five on]

Nancy: You too, Kendra. High-five, honey.

[Richard high-fives Kendra’s palm like a baby]

Nancy: Yay!

[Cut to everybody]

Richard: Wow, that was great. Oh, and Mitchell, I’ll see you on Monday, CFO.

Mitchell: Thank you, baby boss.

[Mitchell and Kendra runs out] [Cut to Nancy and Richard. Richard is moving his hand everywhere and he touches Nancy’s back]

Nancy: Ooh! Wow! Well, well, look who’s feeling frisky.

Richard: That’s right. How about a bath?

Nancy: I’ll go fill up the kitchen sink.

[Richard is happy] [cheers and applause]