70s Green Room

Maurice… Bowen Yang

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Fliona… Regina King

Maxine… Aidy Bryant

Mickey… Kenan Thompson

Marty… Andrew Dismukes

[Starts with two guys talking about the show in the studio back stage. It’s in Chicago, 1978.]

Maurice: Alright, Kenny. We have to make sure everything is perfect for Fliona show tonight. My job is the line. I have 14 strikes against me. And it’s 15 strikes system.

Kenny: Sounds complicated.

Maurice: Well, she’s very particular.

Kenny: Well, I’ve heard. Everyone has heard of Fliona.

Maurice: Shut up. Here she comes now. Go.

[Fliona walks in]

Fliona: Maurice, you have to got to get us a new tour bus driver. He tried to tell me about his family.

Maurice: I’m sorry, Fliona. That’s the last snafu of the night, I promise.

Fliona: Well good, coz I’m going to be doing all my moves tonight. The seatbelt, the funky turtle, the reach-around. So everything has got to be perfect. And dammit, I’m hungry.

Maurice: Well mama, it’s all good because I sent them your ride a weeks ago. And they got every snack on your list.

Fliona: Good. So they got my yellow M&Ms?

Maurice: No, they do not.

Fliona: What? What did they get? My Danishes?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: My big pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Little pizzas?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Shasta?

Maurice: No shasta.

Fliona: Sanka?

Maurice: No sanka.

Fliona: Cocuts?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Hot chops?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Baby carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Grown carrot?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: What about my tuna twist?

Maurice: No.

Fliona: Well, I know they got my big ham sandwich. But the ham is cue?

Maurice: Fliona, none of the food is here, Fliona.

Fliona: Well, what do they have?

Maurice: This tiny dry salad.

Fliona: Undressed? [Fliona slaps Maurice] Dammit, Maurice. I can’t have a repeat of Tucson. They forgot my shasta and my vocal cords are locked.

Maurice: I remember, Fliona. You know what? Let’s get you into hair and make up while I make this right. Maxine’s here. She’s all set up.

Maxine: Yep, I got everything on the list, Maurice sent me.

Fliona: Everything?

Maxine: Everything.

Maurice: So you got the afro-sheen?

Maxine: Don’t got it.

Maurice: Curl sticks?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Curl cream?

Maxine: Nah-ah.

Maurice: Bobby pins?

Maxine: No.

Maurice: Shiny for lip?

Maxine: No way.

Maurice: Shiny for eye?

Maxine: No how.

Maurice: Shiny for cheek bone.

Maxine: Never.

Maurice: Okay, vaseline?

Maxine: Forgot.

Maurice: Aquanet?

Maxine: Forget.

Maurice: El-net?

Maxine: That’s what?

Maurice: Mascara?

Maxine: No ma’am.

Maurice: Perfume?

Maxine: I’ll give you one guess.

Fliona: Well, what did you bring, girl?

Maxine: A little brush.

Fliona: Dammit, Maxine. Slap Mourice. [Maxine slaps Fliona and runs out.] Maurice, this is feeling like Tucson all over again. And you know I wasn’t nominated for Disco Grammy this year.

Maurice: I know, Fliona. Will you feel better if you slap me again?

Fliona: Yes.

[Fliona slaps Maurice three times] [Mickey and Marty walk in. They are wearing leather jackets and are carrying guitars.]

Mickey: Ay, is this a bad time? I heard people are getting smacked in here.

Maurice: Fliona, this is Mickey and Marty. They’re the band for tonight.

Marty: It’s an honor to meet you, Ms. Fliona. We’re huge fans of your’s.

Fliona: Good. So, you must know all my songs. Right?

Mickey: Oh yeah, every one of them.

Fliona: “Disco Twilight”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Hot Band’s Child”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Nasty Christmas”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: What about “Beep Beep Hoo Hah It’s Me”?

Mickey: No.

Fliona: “Beep Beep Ho Hey Look It’s Charice”?

Mickey: That one sounds familiar but no.

Fliona: Maurice, you are this close to strike 15.

Maurice: Well, you know what? Let’s just set up and we’ll teach the songs. Mickey, you brought the xylophone, right?

Mickey: You know I didn’t.

Maurice: Metronome?

Mickey: You know I won’t.

Maurice: Gramaphone?

Mickey: That’s an old sounding record player.

Maurice: Flute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Fute?

Mickey: I play bass.

Maurice: Didgeridoo?

Mickey: What’s that?

Maurice: Flerdigurdi?

Mickey: You making fun of me?

Maurice: Theremin?

Mickey: If you get a cut on your leg, put some feramin on it.

Maurice: Kalimba?

Mickey: Who?

Maurice: Flier?

Mickey: You are.

Maurice: Maraca?

Mickey: Absolutely not.

Maurice: Just ready the drums.

Mickey: Yeah, I got those.

Maurice: Well great, where are they?

Mickey: Oh, you want them here?

Fliona: Well, what did you bring?

Marty: We brought bass and two amps.

Fliona: Dammit Maurice. [Mickey punches Maurice] Thank you, baby.

Mickey: No problem.

Maurice: Wait! You know what, Fliona? You don’t need all this stuff. Everything you need is inside of you. Baby, you’ve got it.

Fliona: You mean I’ve got talent?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Style?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: Pretty arms?

Maurice: Yes.

Fliona: And then ass higher than Mount Kilimanjaro?

Maurice: Oh, yes.

Fliona: Okay, boys. Then let’s disco do this gig.

Kenny: Fliona, baby. You gotta go out there and do you thing. Anyone who’s anyone is in the crowd tonight.

Fliona: Who? Lil’ Jimmy?

Kenny: Yeah, Jimmy’s here.

Fliona: Really? What about Cletus Jones?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: John Wayne Brady?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Mrs. Perkins?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Pastor Chris?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Rabbi Shmooly?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: Fliona?

Kenny: No.

Fliona: See? That’s me. I tricked you.

Kenny: Oh!

Pepsi Commercial

Kenny… Kyle Mooney

Director… Beck Bennett

Kendall Jenner… Cecily Strong

[Starts with shooting for Pepsi commercial.]

Kenny:  And that’s a cut on rehearsal. Let’s be ready to roll in five. How is it going, Mr. Director?

Director: Good. Good. I’m really excited.

Kenny: Well, you should be. Writing and directing a commercial for Pepsi. It doesn’t get much bigger than that.

[phone vibrating]

Director: Oh, hey, this is my sister. I gotta get this real quick. [talking on the phone] Carrie, hey. Sorry, I can’t super talk right now. I’m on the set of a huge Pepsi commercial I’m doing. I know, right? It was like, completely my idea, and now they’re doing it. It’s great, yeah. I mean, okay, so well it’s an homage to the resistance and for the huge protests in the streets reminiscent of Black Lives Matter. And so, everybody is marching, right? And they can see police officers and they think it’s gonna go bad because there’s kind if, like, a standoff. And then, Kendall Jenner walks in and she walks up to one of the police officers, And she hands him a Pepsi, and then, that Pepsi brings everybody together. Isn’t that like, the best ad ever? [listening silently] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Sort of done deaf.

Kenny: Alright, guys, three minutes away! Three minutes!

Director: I think maybe you just kind of don’t get it. Is Doug there? Can you put him on? Dough! What’s up? Hey, I just want to run this Pepsi commercial by you that I’m doing and make sure you are loving it as much as I am. Um, cool, cool. The whole thing is an homage to resistance and Black Lives Matter. So everybody is marching. And then Kendall Jenner comes up to a police officer and gives him a Pepsi and everybody celebrates. People of every single culture comes toge– Uh-huh. [listening] Uh-huh. No, we’re celebrating these cultures. We’re celebrating black culture. Uh-huh. Cancel hiphop? But we’re also celebrating asian culture. Don’t even play the cello?Mm, mm, mm. Oh, got it. Just kind of using them? Yeah. It’s all soda? Great. It’s gonna be bad.

Kenny: Alright people, 60 seconds till we roll on this man’s singular vision!

Director: Ha-ha. Yes! [talking on phone] Hey, man. Could you put a neighbor on the phone, a black one? Hi, ma’am. Hey, we’re shooting a little Pepsi commercial over here. I want to run it by you and get your opinion on it. Okay, great. So, the whole thing is an homage on Black Lives Matter. Huh? Don’t even touch it? It’d be insane to touch it? Right. Okay. Don’t even show police? [sigh] Yeah. What would you do if you were in my situation? Just run to my car? Okay.

Kenny: Alright, we got to go. People.

Director: Hey, Kenny. Do we have a time for a quick re-write?

Kenny: Hey, no can do, bud. Let’s invite Kendall to set. She has her hard out in 45 seconds.

[Kendall Jenner walks out of her bus]

Kendall Jenner: Okay, bye. I gotta go. I’m on the set of my Pepsi commercial. Um, I stop the police from shooting black people by giving them a Pepsi. I know! It’s cute, right?

Dry Fridays

Hunter… Mikey Day

Dana… Cecily Strong

Jenna… Aidy Bryant

Kenny… Pete Davidson

Courtney… Kristen Stewart

Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Hunter talking to the students]

Hunter: Alright, what’s up everyone. Snake a seat if you can. I’m Hunter, class of ‘19 and welcome to UCONN Dry Fridays. Now, I know you’re all here coz you were caught drinking in the dorms but that doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun. Dana’s got some ‘za for us.

Dana: And cheesy bread. What, what?

Hunter: Noice! So, if it’s your first time at Dry Fridays, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us why you’re here.

Jenna: Okay, I can go. I’m Jenna and I got caught drinking a beer in my suite. And it just sucked because it was the night before my 21st birthday.

Hunter: Yeah, zero tolerance policy on campus. What’s up, man?

Kenny: Oh, hey. I’m Kenny and I was pouring vodka into a water bottle in the bathroom when my R.A. walked in.

Hunter: Ooh! Busted! Um, hi there.

Courtney: Hey. I’m Courtney. Classic college story, you know? I Drank 40 beers, got naked, grabbed a chainsaw and went behind north quad and cut down 35 pine trees. I’ve done it, you’ve done it, but of course this time I get caught, right?

Hunter: Yeah, I mean, I don’t know about that. But that’s a good segue. Coz everyone’s done or knows someone who’s done something stupid while drunk. Right Dana?

Dana: Ah! Thanks, Hunt! Alright, freshman year, I had a few too many and mooned a cop.

Kyle: Oh! My friend R.J. fell and knocked out three of his bottom teeth.

Courtney: Oh, man! Last weekend, I did a 10 minutes solo keg stand and got so faded. Wake up the next morning, I’m like, “When did I get a no-hawk?”

Kenny: What’s a no-hawk?

Courtney: It’s like opposite mohawk.

[Courtney opens her beanie, she has her middle part of her head shaved]

Hunter: Um, okay. Yeah, see, sometimes it’s just not worth it, right?

Kenny: Dude, totally. Anyone ever get wasted and text an ex?

Everyone: Yes!

Jenna: Or ever ordered food and then pass out before it’s delivered?

Dana: Yeah, that was my move freshman year, right?

Courtney: Yeah, but did you ever black out and when you wake up you have a dog-tracking chip in your neck and you’re like, “What is that?”

Kenny: No.

Hunter: Yeah, I mean everyone’s got a story. Courtney, you go ahead and pop that beanie back on if you want. I’ll be straight with you guys. My freshman year, Dana knows about this, I passed out in the hall outside my dorm room.

Kyle: Hey, I can beat that. Spring weekend, I passed out in the Taco Bell bathroom.

Courtney:  [laughing] Oh, I can’t top that, but this one I passed out on Mr. Shinto’s island and totally missed the submarine back to the mainland. Mr. Shinto was so mad at me. Yeah.

[All the students are confused looking at Courtney]

Hunter: Alright, yeah. Not really sure who Mr. Shinto is or what that story was about, but alright.

Dana: Yeah, and like if you’re cold, feel free to go ahead and pop that beanie back on. The point is guys, drinking can lead to bad choices. Like, when I was drunk and got a tramp stamp.

Hunter: It’s a mermaid, by the way.

Dana: Thanks hunt!

Courtney: I got you beat though. You know, those indigenous tribes that put, like discs on their lips like this? I got that, but I got it here. [starts opening her pants] You guys should see this.

Hunter: Oh, no, no, no, no. No, Courtney. We’ll take your word for it. Okay? And we’ve all seen the haircut by now, so feel free to pop that beanig back on.

Dana: Guys, we’re not here to lecture you or tell you not to have a good time. But the fact is heavy drinking does some real nasty stuff to your body.

Kenny: Yeah, like, if I go hard one weekend, I get like heartburn for a week and I’m just like tired of that.

Courtney: Yeah, I’m like, legit worried about my body too. Like a month ago, I got blitzed by myself and I guess I ate eggs or something. The next morning, sorry if this is kind of nasty, I go to the bathroom and egg just comes out and it’s still in it’s shell. And I’m like, “My body is so jacked, I can’t digest an egg?” That’s crazy.

Hunter: Right. I mean, I don’t know if alcohol does that. But maybe you didn’t necessarily eat the egg? If that makes sense? Maybe you–

Courtney: Oh my god, that does make so much more sense coz I hate eggs. I would never eat one.

Kenny: But you would put one–

Hunter: Okay, hey, we don’t need to say it. Um, it’s probably a good time, Dana, to get our za?

Dana: What? Oh, I’m sorry, I’m still thinking about that egg. Like, how did it nor crack?

Jenna: And I want to hear so much more about Mr. Shinto.

Kenny: Yeah, do you have a picture of that disc thing?

Hunter: Yeah, I’m sure we all want Courtney to answer some questions and maybe put that beanie back on. But, let’s wait till after the meeting.

Courtney: Yeah, I mean, after party, my place, I got keg shots, whatever. My roommate is really cool but all of his wives are so annoying. It’s crazy.

Jenna: What is your life?

[The End]