Ernie Johnson… Alex Moffat
Kenny Smith… Chris Redd
Charles Barkley… Kenan Thompson
Shaquille O’Neal… Kevin Hart[Starts with Inside The NBA intro] [Cut to the show set]
Ernie: Hey, welcome back to Inside The NBA. I’m Ernie Johnson. That’s Kenny the Jet Smith and Charles Barkley.
Charles: Hey, there.
Kenny: What’s up?
Ernie: And on my right is Shaquille O’Neal.
Shaq: Happy holidays and Merry Christmas. Very merry. If you’re Jewish, happy home manukkah.
Ernie: Thank you, Shaq. Um, we also want to welcome back Charles who spent the past few days in his home state of Alabama campaign for Doug Jones. I’m sure you’re happy, Charles.
Charles: Oh, man, I am, Ernie. First of all, I’m happy for Alabama. I’m happy for the country. And I’d be personally happy if I hadn’t bet $100,000 on Roy Moore.
Kenny: Wait, you bet on Roy Moore?
Charles: I couldn’t help it, man. I thought he was a lock. I’m from Alabama. That’s not the most progressive place. I mean a lot of folks down there think that Ellen DeGeneres is going through a phase. I mean, Roy Moore rode a horse to the polls.
Shaq: Hah! Ay, Shaq can’t ride no horse. Feet don’t touch the ground. But you can’t be the dead horse because dead horse tell no tales. Coz they’re horses. We lost their tails.[Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]
Charles: Shaq, you gotta get it together, man. I think you’re the only basketball player whose brain has aged like a football player. Let’s just say congratulations to Doug Jones.
Kenny: It’s amazing that the underdog won.
Shaq: Yeah. Well, let me say something. Every dog has it’s day. But it was night time. No time for dogs. Dogs are asleep, so it’s cat time. Cats come out at night. Freaks come out at night. Shaq a freak![Shaq looks around. Everybody is confused of what he just said.]
Charles: Shaq, what the hell are you saying, man? We talking about the senate election.
Shaq: Ho-ho. Hey, I love the send-it (senate). I write an email, hit the send button, boom. Send it (senate).
Charles: Oh, damn, Shaq. It’s like a whole bunch of words got jumbled up in your brain and a fire marshall said, “Everybody out!”
Shaq: Hey, you shut your mouth, Charles. Don’t make me come over there and do something Shaq for you ass. Ya-ha-haa.
Ernie: Okie, dokie. Um, let’s just move on to tonight’s games. First up, LeBron James and the Cleveland Cavs are taking on the LA Lakers.
Kenny: Expect a big game from LeBron having another NVP. He’s just on an entirely different playing field this season.
Shaq: No, no, no. No. That’s ridiculous Kenny. LeBron is not on his field. He’s on a court, dummy. You dumb. A court is in session. Alright. The honorable Shaq and Shaq don’t crack. Haaa.
Charles: Damn, Shaq. I can hear your tiny brain rattling around your skull like a little bean in a maraca.
Ernie: Oh, alright. Alright. Let’s all try to get along for once?
Shaq: Yeah. That’s right. Coz when you get along, you go along. And when you go along, you tag along. And Shaq loves Tag alongs. Best girls got cookies. Tag alongs. It is the Shaq of cookies. Haaa.
Charles: Shaq, that didn’t make a lick of sense. How do you even do endorsements? Do they just put a pack of ice in your hand and then sprayed peanut butter on the roof of your mouth and dropped over the words later.
Shaq: Okay. That’s it. It’s go time. [Shaq stands, he is very tall] Let’s go, Chuck. Throw me the ball. [someone throws a basketball to Shaq.] Haa, yeah. Me and you, Charles.
Shaq: Let’s go.
Charles: Come on, man. We are getting too old for this.
Ernie: Guys, guys, we are paid to come to work and talk bout basketball.
Shaq: No. No. No. I’m about to get you barbecued chicken. It’s duckets coz you shaqed in a fool. Let’s go, Chuck.
Charles: Man, look at you. Tall body with little arms. You look like the letter ‘F’ came to life.
Ernie: Okay. Hey, we’ll be right back where maybe, we’ll even talk a little basketball.
Charles: $1,000 says we won’t.