Why’d You Post That

Darnell Pepper… Kevin Hart

Kim… Venessa Bayer

Trisa… Aidy Bryant

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Darnell Pepper in his set for Why’d You Post That?] [cheers and applause]

Darnell Pepper: Hello, what’s up? I’m Darnell Pepper and welcome to Why’d You Post That? Yeah! This is the show where I find people who are bad on Instagram, bring them out here and yell at them. Please welcome our first guest, Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Hi Darnell.

Darnell Pepper: Hey, thanks for being here.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Kim, do me a favor. I want you to tell me what this photo is and why did you post it?

[There is a blur photo of The Empire State building posted on Instagram on the show screen.]

Kim: Oh, that’s the Empire State building [cut to Kim] and I posted it because I heart New York

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh! Okay, okay. That’s the Empire State building right there? Wow. I’ve never seen that before.

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: Oh, wow, you haven’t?

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Of course I have, Kim. I’ve seen the Empire State building about a billion times. There’s actually tons of photos going around that other people have seen of it. I don’t think not one person has seen this photo and said, “What’s Kim’s take on it?” Kim, answer this question. Why is it so blurry? And when you took it, were you thrown from the building when you took the picture?

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: No, Darnell. I thought I actually had a pretty good view.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, this is a good view to you? This here? Kim, you know, my grandmom has a better view and her house honestly Kim, is underground. My grandmom’s dead. Um, Kim, listen. Your Instagram has taken time from my life. And right now, I’m gonna take time from your’s. You’re going into wall.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kim: What do you mean?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Kim is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Yeah, get your ass out! [Cut to Darnell Pepper] Get out! Get your ass out! Um, now, for those of you tuning into my show for the first time, yes, I do have a small dungeon behind my set. Now, each of my guests is basically locked back there for about one week just to get their minds right. Is it illegal? Of course it is. You wanna stop me, just call 911. We all know you’re not going to do it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, please help me welcome my next guest, Trisa.

[Trisa walks in] [cheers and applause]

Trisa: Hi. Hey, I was told I was gonna be on ‘The Price Is Right’.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Well, you got the price wrong. Um, Trisa, here’s the thing. I wanna tell you a story. I was laying on my bed on Sunday and I’m basically scrolling through the gram and I saw a picture of my sister’s daughter. [Show screen showing Darnell Pepper’s sister’s daughter posted on Instagram.] Aw, there she is. You know what I did? I loved that. That’s what I did. You know I saw another picture of my friend’s puppy. He was dressed like a hotdog. [Show screen showing a puppy dressed like a hotdog posted on Instagram.] Look at this. Cute as hell. That’s cute, right? Then all of a sudden,this popped up. [Show screen showing a picture of a broken toenail posted on Instagram.] It’s a photo of your big old bruised and busted toe. Now, why in hell would you post this photo?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: [laughing] I don’t know, it’s a funny story, Darnell. A horse ran over my big toe and it got really bruised and then the nail broke off. And I was like, “Oh, my god. That would make the perfect Instagram.”

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: [fake laughing] Hey, Trisa, is your mom watching this?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Oh, yeah! Definitely.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Okay, then I’ma take this time to address your mother directly. [looking at the camera] You failed! Okay?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Okay. Well, Darnell, I’m sorry. I had to give my followers something for Throw Back Thursday. You know, TBT.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Wait a minute. Hold on! Hold on! This was a TBT? So, you’re telling me that you went through all your old photos to be like, “Hmm, what should I post?” And somehow you decided on a picture of a dead toe? You know what that’s like, Trisa? That’s like fishing an old dukie out the toilet to restake the bathroom. That’s what it’s like. Trisa, pack your bags coz you’re going into wall.

Trisa: What?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Trisa is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Get your ass back there. God I love doing that. I love it. I really do. Now, right now is time for this week’s Darnell Do Not. Instagrammers, do not post a sexy selfie without checking the background first.I want you to look at this. [Show screen shows a picture of a woman posted on Instagram.] Look at this girl trying to get me all horny. Hey, real quick, what’s that behind her on the bathroom floor? [The picture zooms. There’s a baby lying naked on the floor.] Oh! Oh! That’s a baby back there busting it open. That’s what that is. Okay? This is not a sexy selfie. It’s exhibit A in a custody trial. And that’s why it’s a Darnell do Not.

Alright, now it’s time for my final guest. He’s a dumb little idiot. Please welcome Travis.

[Travis walks in]

Travis: Hey, my brother!

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Ha-ha. Shut the hell up, Travis. We need to talk about something serious, okay? Last week Travis, there was a horrible terrorist attack in Paris. And Travis, you posted an Instagram about it.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: That’s right. And the caption said, “Thinking of everyone in Paris” coz I was.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, that’s nice. But you know, let’s take a look at the picture right now.

[Show screen show’s a selfie of Travis in his bed topless posted on Instagram.}

Look at that. This is not about Paris. This is about you trying to show of your little orangutan nipples. That’s what this is. Okay? Have you ever been to Paris, Travis?

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Yes, sir. I love the culture there. But the Eiffel tower was smaller than I thought and I lost a lot of money.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: That was Vegas. Okay? Travis, that’s it! You’re going in the wall.

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Travis is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

In the wall! In the wall! Get your ass back there.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Alright, people! Well, that’s all the time we have on Why’d You Post That? I’m Darnell Pepper saying, “Don’t post pictures of coffee.” Goodnight.

The Journey

King… Kenan Thompson

Kevin Hart

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of a burning castle.] [Cut to inside the castle.]

King: What is the word from the lower villages?

Kevin: There’s nothing left my lord. Just fires and ashes as far as the eye can see.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So it’s true that the dragon has returned.

[Cut to Sasheer and Taran]

Sasheer: May god watch over us.

Taran: What do you suggest we do, my lord?

[Cut to King and Kevin]

King: We need to find a new land. There’s nothing left for us here.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Indeed my lord. We must go. The dragon will return soon. There isn’t much time.

[Cut to everybody]

King: Very well. We must leave and never look back.

[music playing] [singing] This was our land

it gave us seed

it bore us fruit

so stand on knees

now we must move on

move away from this land

this land we love

Cecily: [singing] we worked this land

we tilled it’s wheat

Taran: [singing] The soil beneath our feet

Sasheer: [singing] Now we must move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Move away from this land

this land we love

[Cut to Kevin looking angry]

Kevin: Hey! Hey! What the hell was that?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King: We’re preparing ourselves to move away from here and on to a distant land.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, man! We don’t have time for that. We need to go out this door before this dragon comes and kill us.

[Cut to everybody. Kevin walks pass them.]

Let’s go.

King: Yes. We must make haste before the creature returns.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Exactly. Now, come on man, let’s go.

[Cut to everybody]

King: On to a new land.

[singing] This land we find–

Kevin: Wait! No!

King: It’ll be our land

Kevin: Ay, this is messed up, man!

Taran: We’ll travel across sea and sand

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna start packing for you guys.

[Kevin leaves] [Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, is this your shirt?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

Kevin: I’m just asking, is this anybody’s shirt right here?

Cecily: Move away from here

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay! Whose little pants are these? Are these my pants?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: This land we love.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: My bad! These are mine. I got them in black and brown. I remember. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna take everything. I’m going to put them in this bag and sort it out when we get there. [Cut to everybody] Okay? Cool. Let’s go.

Taran: Yes, we must come closer to our new homeland, with each step we take.

Kevin: Okay. [pointing at the door] Then can we take one step please? Come on, man! We gotta go. Let’s get out of here.

[dragon screaming.]

That was a dragon scream. My butt hole just got this tight. No, no, man! Listen. No more fooling around, okay? Lose the vocals, y’all! It’s time to go. Grab the great juice and let’s get to moving. [Kevin is pushing everybody towards the door.]

King: We’re ready. Lead the way!

King and Cecily: [singing] Open the door and lead us all

Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Then close the door after we go

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Shut up! Just shut up. Shut your mouth! You guys don’t get it, okay? Everybody outside of this window right here is dead. Do you wanna end up like them?

Taran: No! [Taran starts singing words]

Kevin: You are a loser! You hear me? A loser! You know what? Look at what’s going on out here. Look at this.

[Kevin opens the curtains of the window. Outside is a big dragon eye looking at them]

Ah! Ah!

Taran: Oh, I get it. The dragon. We should go.

Kevin: Finally, took you all day.

Leslie: Hey! [Cut to Leslie] Aren’t you forgetting something? Like, your wife?

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin: Oh, man! Not this!

Leslie: [singing] You leave me here

I’ll kick your ass

I’ll hunt you down

and well on your ass

Now, let’s move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer, Taran and Leslie: We must move on.

[Everybody is leaving]

Kevin: Oh, so now you all wanna move on coz she said something? That’s all that took? My wife to come out here?

Soap Opera Reunion

Nancy… Aidy Bryant

Winnie Mayhood… Kate McKinnon

Rodney Soddet… Taran Killam

Elizabeth Tucson… Sasheer Zamata

Maggie Margaret Bond… Venessa Bayer

Debbie Frost… Cecily Strong

Martin… Kevin Hart

[Starts with Nancy Che in her set]

Announcer: We now return to Nancy with your host Nancy Chase.

Nancy: Okay, guys. Yes, we are back. And for all you fans of the long running soap opera Fairwood Manor, this segment is for you. Because for the first time in almost 10 years, we have reunited the original cast. Exciting right. So, let’s bring them out. [cheers and applause] Please welcome Winnie Mayhood.

[Winnie Mayhood walks in]

Rodney Soddet

[Rodney Soddet walks in]

Elizabeth Tucson

[Elizabeth Tucson walks in]

And last but never the least, Maggie Margaret Bond.

[Maggie Margaret Bond walks in. Background sound changes to a funny sound when she walks in.]

Alright, it is so great to have you all here.

Rodney Soddet: Very lovely to be here.

Winnie Mayhood: Wonderful.

Elizabeth Tucson: Thank you so much.

Maggie Margaret Bond: You know, it is super. But guys, did anyone notice that my play on music sounded a little different?

Elizabeth Tucson: What do you mean?

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh, I just mean that everyone had beautiful sweeping music and mine just seemed a little more like a choice.

Rodney Soddet: Oh, here she goes again.

Winnie Mayhood: I didn’t notice.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Well, whatever. Maybe it was just me. It’s so wonderful to see everyone again.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Okay now, you guys, I have another surprise. Over the coarse of the show, her character Nicki successfully killed herself more than 15 times.

[Cut to the guests]

Elizabeth Tucson: What? Debbie’s here? Oh, my god!

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: Please welcome, Debbie Frost.

[Debbie Frost walks in]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Oh my goodness, it’s Debbie. Debbie, I haven’t seen you in ages.

[Maggie Margaret Bond stands up and goes to hug Debbie Frost. The same funny sound starts playing.]

Okay, now, I know that that’s not in my head. My walking music is different than everyone else’s.

[Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I guess. You know, I’m not hearing but let’s bring out sound director Martin. I bet he can help us here. Can we get Martin out here?

[Martin walks in]

Martin: Ay, everybody. It’s a great show so far.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Hi, Martin. Um, I’m just curious. Do you think that you could play the same pretty music for all of us? Because I’m starting to feel singled out. You know, in a bad way.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Oh, I’m sorry sweetie, I don’t speak English.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond getting confused.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: What?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: Actually, I speak it. I just don’t understand it. Again, I’m sorry.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, um, that doesn’t make any sense.

[Cut to Nancy and Martin]

Nancy: Well, it is true. Actually, Martin learned just enough English to be able to do his job.

Martin: Thank you for clearing that up for me. Yeah, it’s crazy though. Yes.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, alright, fine. Okay, here is my issue. Just watch what happens when they walk and then when I walk.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Maggie, drop it. Your music is fine.

Maggie Margaret Bond: Can you just walk around please?

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, beautiful music.

[Cut to everybody. Rodney Soddet starts walking. The background music is beautiful.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Now, watch what happens when I walk.

[Cut to Martin]

Martin: [speaking to the mic] Cue, music I picked for her.

[Cut to everybody. Maggie Margaret Bond starts walking. Funny music starts playing.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: This is what I’m talking about. Do you see? [Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond] I’m starting to take this personally, okay? Like, the dumpy music means that I’m dumpy or something.

Martin: Hey! [Cut to Nancy and Martin] Hey! Listen, I don’t understand English. Can you please respect that? [Martin turns to Nancy] Why can’t she respect that?

Nancy: I wish I knew.

Martin: No! You and me both. I mean… Listen, excuse me guys. I have to get back to work, okay? [Martin speaking to the mic] Cue, Martin’s exit music.

[Party music is playing. Martin starts dancing in the middle of the stage and then leaves.]

Nancy: Alright, thanks Martin. Amazing job as always.

[Cut to Maggie Margaret Bond]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Okay, I’m sorry Nancy, but I’ve basically had enough.

[Cut to the guests]

Rodney Soddet: Oh, Maggie! So did we.

Elizabeth Tucson: Don’t be like that.

Maggie Margaret Bond: No! I don’t feel supported here. And I’m leaving.

[Cut to the stage. Maggie Margaret Bond stands and walks few steps and the funny music is playing. As she stopped walking, the music also stopped. With every step she takes, a funny sound plays.]

Maggie Margaret Bond: Argh!

[Maggie Margaret Bond storms out of the stage with the funny sound.] [Cut to Nancy]

Nancy: I seriously don’t know what she’s talking about. That music sounds fine to me. We will be right back!

Kevin Hart’s Son

Kevin Hart

Leslie Jones

Marcus… Jay Pharoah

[Starts with Heinz Hall]

Kevin Hart: Thank you Pittsburgh, goodnight!

[Cut to Kevin Hart entering his dressing room]

Goodness, gracious.

[Cut to inside the dressing room. Leslie is sitting on the sofa.]

Leslie: Good show, Kevin. You’ve come a long way.

Kevin Hart: Ah, thank you. Who are you?

Leslie: You serious? You don’t remember me? [Cut to Leslie] You were the MC at Sweet Cheeks about 20 years ago at Linux city. And I found you after the show. We went to my place and it went down. It didn’t take long though, about 3 minutes. Then I took the blanket and you rested at my breasts right here.

[Cut to Kevin Hart and Leslie]

Kevin Hart: Stop. Stop. I swear to god, that’s a lie.

Leslie: It was magical. [Cut to Leslie] And now, I wanted to introduce you to your son. Marcus!

[Cut to Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: I’m sorry. What? Wait, wait, wait! My what?

[Cut to Leslie. Marcus enters the door.]

Leslie: Your son.

[Marcus is wearing exactly the same outfit as Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: Who?

[Cut to everybody]

Wait, who is this?

Leslie: He’s your son, Kevin. And I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted you to know.

Kevin Hart: Lady, listen to me and you listen good, okay? This man’s about 6’2″. Now, here’s the thing. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] There’s no way he’s my son.

[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]

Marcus: [snapping and clapping like Kevin Hart] Yeah! Here’s the thing, ma! Let me explain. [He’s talking like Kevin Hart] First of all, this is not my dad. It’s a waste of my damn time. That’s what it is. Okay, this man wasn’t my dad back then, he ain’t my dad now. Pow, pow, pow. Hmph! [laughing like Kevin Hart] [Leslie points at Marcus]

Leslie: There you go. You still think he’s not your’s?

[Cut to Kevin Hart]

Kevin Hart: Absolutely not!

[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]

Marcus: Listen, absolutely not! That’s right! Ma, I’ll tell you why. This is what happened, pow! Right there, see? Pow! First of all, look at his face. Man looks nothing like me. He looks like a damn Teddy Graham. That’s what he looks like.

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin Hart: Listen to me. He’s right, we look nothing alike. Okay? Look at this. [Kevin Hart walks to Marcus] I mean, come on! This doesn’t even add up. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps]

Marcus: You damn right it doesn’t add up! [Marcus snaps and claps like Kevin Hart] Listen, coz there’s nothing to add. Okay, this man, right here, [claps 20 times] not my dad! Umph!

Kevin Hart: I couldn’t agree any more. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] No relation.

Marcus: See? [Leslie snaps and claps] No relation at all.

Kevin Hart: Don’t need a paternity test for this.

Marcus: No need to go on. Pow!

Kevin Hart: Case closed! Pow!

[Cut to Leslie]

Leslie: So, y’all don’t hear each other at all? Y’all not hearing what I’m hearing?

[Cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus]

Kevin Hart: Okay, [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] you listen, you listen good. What I’m hearing is two complete strangers okay?

[Cut to everybody]

You got no proof, no records, no paternity test, no video, [cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus] no nothing. Appreciate you coming by, but unlike you I got things to do. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] Okay?

[Kevin Hart tries to leave but Leslie holds and carries Kevin Hart.]

Leslie: You get back here.

Kevin Hart: Oh!

Leslie: You have always been a knucklehead. And you still stupid now. Listen to him. [yelling] Listen to him, okay? You think I like going to the movies and see and think like a man and hearing my son’s voice in a sex scene? I don’t, Kevin! I hate it.

Kevin Hart: Okay, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. You know what? I do kind of remember that grab. Now, I don’t want to be nasty but I swear to god girl, you just hit my spot.

Leslie: Oh yeah, I remember your spot.

[Cut to Kevin Hart, Leslie and Marcus]

Kevin Hart: Marcus, huh? Now, you seem like a handsome intelligent young man with a very sexy voice. Come here man. Oh, my god. I might have a son.

Marcus: Oh, my god! I might have a dad.

Kevin Hart and Marcus: Oh, my god! We might be a family.

[Kevin Hart and Marcus hug]

No!

[everybody laughing]

Leslie: This is so nice. It’s rather annoying, but, ah!

Kevin Hart Monologue

[Starts with SNL monologue intro.] [band is playing music one the stage]

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Kevin Hart.

[Kevin Hart walks in and to the stage] [cheers and applause]

Kevin Hart: Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much. God, it feels good to be back. It feels so good to be back in New York. Honestly I’m coming back a different man than I left. I’m engaged now. I’m about to get married, people.

[cheers and applause]

Yes, I’m about to get married. I told my lady. I said, “Baby, we can’t get married till we get a new house.” It’s not that we don’t like the house we hvae now. I just don’t like the area that we live in. I don’t want to live in Hollywood staying around all the Hollywood stuff. So, I moved out to the suburbs. I messed around, moved around a bunch of wild life. Okay? Here’s how I know that I live around stuffs that I’m not supposed to. When I first moved in, I walk in my dog. I got mini doberman pincher. Right? I’m walking my dog. While I’m walking my dog, out of nowhere this old lady pokes her head out the window and goes, “Hey, you better watch your dog. Don’t let them eat em’ like they did mine.” I said, “Wait, what? First of all who is them? That’s the first thing. Second of all, where did you go?” She just left. So, I started looking around area, I noticed I live around some wild animals. I have mountain lions, rattle snakes, coyotes, all types of wild spiders. Currently, I have a raccoon problem. Not raccoons. It’s one raccoon. This raccoon is a bitch. I don’t like this raccoon.

Listen. I have glass doors at the back of my house. So, I’m sitting in my living room. I can see out of my living room into my backyard. A raccoon walks up to the glass doors but not like a raccoon should. He wasn’t on all fours. Raccoon’s on two feet. He’s walking, right? Strolling, strolling, strolling. I’m not lying. I’m not lying. He gets to the glass doors. He’s looking. He trying to look into house. Here’s what scared me. [mimicking peaking through the glass with a hand above eyes.] He put his hand on a glass and start doing this. So, I’m looking. I’m like, “Oh, my god! Raccoon is looking in the house.” When he saw me, he started laughing. He was like, “Ahah! Ahah!” The raccoon started jiggling a lot, right. When he saw he couldn’t get in, [mimicking gun shots] he pointed his fingers at me and he shot at me. He was like, “Bang, bang.” And then he disappeared into the dark.

I’m scared. I’m scared as hell. My lady comes home. I say, “Babe, we got to move. We can’t stay in this house. A raccoon just tried to break in. He jiggled the handle. When he saw he couldn’t get in, he shot at me twice. Bang, bang!” My lady said, “Why are you lying so much? What do you get out of lying?” I said, “Who the hell makes up a lie about a raccoon jiggling a lock and going bang, bang in the house?” She said, “First of all Kevin, I know you lying. You know how I know you lying? Coz a raccoon can’t jiggle a lock or go bang, bang coz raccoon don’t have no thumbs.” I said, “Well, maybe raccoon was doing this. You don’t need thumbs need to scare me. The bottom line is we got a thug raccoon running around outside.”

I said, “Look, this is why I don’t like going outside.” I said, “This is why I don’t like taking out the trash.”

Understand something. For me to take out the trash in my house, I gotta walk out of driveway. I don’t have any lights in my driveway. It gets real dark in my driveway. The reason why I don’t have any lights is because I turned down the option to get lights in my driveway because I thought the contractors were trying to take advantage of me because they knew that I had money. That’s what I thought. To be honest with you, that’s what I thought. He was like, “Mr. Hart. It gets pretty dark in this driveway. You want to put some lights in here?” I said, “You don’t think I know what you’re trying to do? Huh? You don’t think I know what you’re trying to do? It’s a driveway. You drive in, you drive out. What the hell I need lights for?” I was wrong. I need lights. I can’t see a damn thing.

I don’t like being in my driveway coz it get real dark. And I’m like, hearing animal noises when I can’t see which animal it is. Hearing stuff like this, “tsk tsk tsk tsk tsk” or like, “Khrrrrrr”,  I don’t like that. Because when you get scared and you can’t see, you just start negotiating. Like, “Hey, what do we gotta do to make this right? If it’s money you want, money I’ll give you.” I don’t know. I told my lady I’m not doing it anymore. I said what I’m gonna do is start making my son take out the trash. It’s time for him to become the man around this house. He’s seven years old. He doesn’t do enough.

That’s beautiful thing about being a dad. You do what you want when you want. I go upstairs, I wake my son up. I say, “Boy, get up and get that trash out. Matter of fact, didn’t I tell you to get the trash out?” Complete lie. I know I never told him. The beautiful thing was to see his confused look on my son’s face. “What? No. You never said that.” “You calling me a liar? Get that ass out your bed and get the trash out.”

Private schools are messing my son up. Here’s how I know. This is what my son said to me when he got up. “Alright, alright. Let me get my flops.” “Your flops? Boy, if you don’t get your back white ass down these damn steps and get that trash.” My son goes down stairs, grabs the trash, he goes outside. The first thing he said before he walked outside was, “Dad, it’s dark. Can you come with me?” I said, “Absolutely not. This is your journey. It’s about you becoming the man, son. It’s not about me.”

My son walks out there to take out the trash. I could tell when he got scared coz he started looking around real fast. I could tell. He puts the trash in the trash can. He starts coming back. Out of nowhere, my son takes off running. He’s running, right? I get scared coz I don’t know what my son’s running from. I can’t see what he’s running from. Depending on what he was running from, was going to determine if I open up the door for him when he got back to the house. I would hate for it to be something crazy because if it was I would have just put my hand on the glass and say, “Son, touch the glass one last time. I love you.”

More importantly, that’s my biggest fear. My biggest fear is seeing somebody I love get attacked by animal that I can’t beat. My lady, she got mad at me. She goes, “Hey babe, so you telling me if you saw me get attacked by animal, you wouldn’t help me?” I said, “Well, it depends on what it is. If it’s a raccoon, I’ll come kick the raccoon. But if it’s a mountain lion, you on your own.” She said, “Are you serious? Like, you wouldn’t come to help me?” I said, “I’m dead serious. You gotta understand I’m being honest with you right now.” She said, “Well, if I saw you get attacked by a mountain lion, I would come out there and help you.” I said, “That’s sweet, but I think it’s stupid. I don’t think you’re thinking the situation through. Here’s why. If you get attacked my a mountain lion, you’re not coming out of that attack the way did you went into it. something’s going to be different.”

I’ma be honest with you all. I don’t want to save her because I don’t know if I want to be with the woman that survived the mountain lion attack. Hey, you can call me a jerk, you can think I’m a jackass. Let’s say he get her good. Let’s say he bite all this off, like this piece and her shoulder. I’ma tell you all straight up. I can’t be with no woman that don’t have no shoulder. I can’t! I can’t be with a woman that can’t do this. [Kevin Hart raises his both shoulders.] I can’t be with you. I can’t be with you. If you can’t go [Kevin Hart raises his both shoulders again] I don’t want to be with you. Do you knwo know how many times you use shoulders in a day? Think about it, if you don’t have a shoulder, you can’t be cold. Ain’t nobody gonna believe you if you shivering with one arm. “What’s wrong with you?” “It’s freezing out here.” “You lying. You only using your one arm.” If we get pulled over by cops and you only got one shoulder, we going to jail. You know why? Coz ain’t no cop gonna believe no person with one shoulder. When he says, “Hey, you know why I stopped you?” And you go, “No.” [raising his one shoulder] “Okay, get your drunk ass out the car.”

Ay! I’m in New York city and I’m excited. We got a great show for you. Sia is here, everybody. Stick around, we’ll be right back.

Funk by James Brown

James Brown… Kevin Hart

Dave… Kenan Thompson

Steve… Taran Killam

Robbie… Bobby Moynihan

Ricki… Beck Bennett

Kyle Mooney

Jay Pharoah

Samantha… Sasheer Zamata

[Starts with a band on a stage in 1971]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah, I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: I wanna get up and do my thing.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: Can I count it all?

Band: Count it all.

James Brown: One, two, three, four.

[band starts playing music.] [singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Hey, now wait a minute. Should we get all funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Ay! Ah! I said, should we get more funky?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Now, before we get funky, I need to hear from each person individual.

Dave: Why?

James Brown: Well, I just wanna make sure I’m making the right decision, you know. Hey! Should we get more funky, Steve?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Steve: Yes!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Hey! Yeah! Okay, that’s one. What about you, Robbie?

[Cut to Steve, Robbie and Ricki playing their instruments]

Robbie: Yeah!

[Cut to James Brown]

James Brown: Ha-ha-ha, fantastic. We’re halfway to funk-town people. Ay! Ricki, should we get more funky?

[Cut to Ricki is nodding his head yes.] [Cut to James Brown]

That’s not good enough, Ricki. I need a verbal commitment.

[Cut to Ricki]

Ricki: Okay, yes.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Thank you. Ay, Dave, should we get more funky?

Dave: I don’t know.

James Brown: You don’t know? What don’t you know, Dave?

Dave: I don’t know if I wanna get more funky than this.

[Cut to Kyle playing bass guitar]

Kyle: Yeah, I think we’re pretty good. We’re at funk-wise.

[Cut to Robbie.]

Robbie: Yeah, man. I mean, this is fun right now.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave. Jay is playing drums at the back.] James Brown: Okay, so wait a minute. Hold on. Hold on. So, y’all don’t want to get more funky?

Dave: I mean, should we get more funky?

James Brown: Wait, what are you doing? I ask the questions.

Jay: Ay, I got a question

James Brown: Wait, what did I just say?

Jay: Hey, how come you’re the only one that get a cape?

Dave: Yeah, why don’t we all get capes?

James Brown: Coz if we all get capes, who’s gonna bring out the cape?

Dave: Maybe Samantha can bring out the capes.

James Brown: What? Samantha! You wanna bring out the capes?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha rocking her body to the music.]

Samantha: I’m not bringing out no damn capes.

[Cut to James Brown, Dave and Jay]

James Brown: Well, that settles cap thing. Hey!

[singing] Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Get up

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Stay on the scene

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Like a sex machine

Dave: You don’t know

James Brown: Ay! Now, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: I said, should we take it to the bridge?

Band: Yes.

James Brown: Steve, bridge?

[Cut to Steve]

Steve: No!

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: Wait, just a flat no? Okay, I just heard you said ‘yeah’ with everybody else. What about you? Ay! Lauren, should we take it to the bridge?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: It’s Lorraine.

James Brown: Lorraine? Since when?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: Tuesday. I got married. [showing her ring] [Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: You got married and you changed your first name? Hey! Hey, well, you know what? I don’t want to take it to the bridge no more.

Band: What?

James Brown: Yeah, I don’t wanna. This song says three words for about 20 minutes. You know what? I’m hungry. You guys hungry?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Should we get the chicken prawn?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hah! So that’s 10 chicken prawn.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Lorraine, you want the chicken prawn?

[Cut to Lorraine and Samantha]

Lorraine: With mustard.

[Cut to James Brown and Dave]

James Brown: With mustard? Who wants mustard on a chicken prawn?

Dave: I do.

James Brown: Okay, fine. So, that’s 10 chicken prawns with mustard.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Hey, now can I hit it to quit it?

Dave: I don’t know, James. Can you?

James Brown: May I, okay. May I hit it to quit it.

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Wait, so if I stop singing, you all gonna stop playing?

Band: Yeah!

James Brown: Coz I don’t wanna stop singing, then you all keep playing. Then one thinks I made a mistake.

Dave: That’s not gonna happen dude.

James Brown: Okay, hit me!

[the band stops playing] [still singing] stay on the scene…

Dammit! I’m sorry guys. I’m sorry. That’s my bad. Chicken prawn.

Chocolate Droppa’s Listening Party

Chocolate Droppa… Kevin Hart

Harry… Pete Davidson

Roy…Jay Pharoah

Caren… Leslie Jones

Mark… Bobby Moynihan

Carl… Beck Bennett

[Starts with Chocolate Droppa with his friends in the studio]

Chocolate Droppa: Yo! I just want to thank you all for coming to my listening party, man! It means a lot to me, you know that? Finally finished my first album. I’ma be honest man, I couldn’t have done it without my crew.

Harry: Yo, we love you Jamiel!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: No, no, no! Yo, yo, yo, yo! Drop the Jamiel stuff, y’all. It’s Chocolate Droppa now, man! That’s my name. I came up with it yesterday. Y’all like it?

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ha-ha-ha. Sort of.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Well, listen. Before I play this song, man, I just really want y’all to know that you guys, was the inspiration for this track. You know what I’m sayin? You’re my crew. I got you back, man!

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Ah, man! Respect, dawg!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Look, I got the hook already but I really ain’t laid down vocals yet. So, what I’ma do is, I’ma sing the song live for y’all man.

[Chocolate Droppa’s friends clap for him] [Cut to Royand Caren]

Caren: Alright. Let’s hear that thang!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Ay, look. Buckle up. Let me tell you something. Droppa’s about to spit it, you hear me? Alright, ay! [Cut to everybody] I’ma about to set it all for you, alright? [Chocolate Droppa plays the beat] [rapping] Here I go, all day, let’s get ready, let’s go
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew pop-pop gunshot sounds

[Cut to Royand Caren]

Roy: Yo! That hook is super hard bro!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! It ain’t even started yet! Watch, yo!

here it go
I’m tight with my crew
we tell each other everything
I know all their secrets
so here’s a song about their secrets

[Cut to Harry looking confused]

Harry: Wait, what?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Ay! Uh!
first up, let me tell you about my boy Mark

[Cut to Mark looking confused]

Mark: Maybe don’t!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Uh! Uh! Yo! Yo!
Mark ain’t paid his taxes in ten years
owe the government about thirty thou
pow-pow
if convicted he could do up to ten
in the pen pow-pow-pow

[Cut to Mark]

Mark: Come on, man!

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Let’s go!
pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
coz I’m shooting at everybody
pew-pew gunshot sounds
Yo! Next up is Carl. Here we go. Let’s go, uh!
Carl got the herps the lip kind
he tried to cover it with lipstick
but we all know it’s there Carl

[Cut to Carl covering his mouth.]

Carl: I din’t know what he’s talking about.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa:

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
yeah! uh! Harry! Harry!
Here it come! Harry, here it come!
Harry is a Muslim but he eat pork

[Cut to Harry]

Harry: That’s not true.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah, yeah, yeah
he popped gummy bears all day all day
gummy bears have gelatin
and gelatin come from pig
that’s pork! you didn’t know that, did you?
dumb bitch!

[cut to Harry. He spits the gummy bears out.]

Harry: Why didn’t anybody tell me?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Yeah! Yeah! Gun shots, what? Gun shots, what? Uh!

[music stops] [cut to everybody]

Yo! Yeah! Yeah! Yo, y’all thought I was finished, didn’t y’all?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Nope!

[music playing]

pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew-pew
pop-pop, pop-pop, gunshot sound
Yo! Saving the best for last
Caren- Caren- Caren- Caren
Caren and Roy accidentally killed Steve
they think nobody know, I know
they don’t wanna get in trouble
now, it’s a week and in burning situation.

[Cut to Royand Caren. Steve is sitting on sofa in front of them wearing sunglasses.]

Roy: Come on, man! [Royand Caren are holding Steve’s hands and waving them.] He good! He good! Man, look at him.

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa]

Chocolate Droppa: Pop-pop, pop-pop!

Yo! I love my friends, man! I love y’all. So, what did y’all think? It’s fire, right?

[Cut to Chocolate Droppa’s friends. The’re pointing guns at Chocolate Droppa.]

Wait a minute. Hold on now. Wait, what’s going on? Wait, what part of the song made y’all mad?

[gun shot sounds] [cheers and applause]

Bushwick, Brooklyn 2015

Jay Pharoah

Kevin Hart

Marques

Kenan Thompson

[Strats with a video clip of streets of Bushwick, Brooklyn] [Cut to three black young men at the hood.]

Jay: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kevin: Wait! Who?

[Cut to Marques cycling] [Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Man, it’s just Marques, man!

Kevin: Yo! Wad up, Marques?

Kenan: Wad up, Kes?

Jay: Yo, it’s getting crazy out here.

Kevin: I told you I ran in the Ray today, right?

Kenan: Is that right?

Kevin: Yeah!

Kenan: What happened?

Kevin: So, I’m walking down Bushwick, right? I’m on my way to Martha’s

Jay: Your baby mother?

Kevin: Na, na, na. that new mayonnaise spot.

[Cut to Kevin walking into Martha’s Mayonnaise store.]

Jay: Yo, I heard about that.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: I read about it on donut food blog. It said that the garlic truffle was a must try, so I said, “Alright, let me try.”

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Didn’t I show a movie spin class to Bushwick?

Kevin: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!

Jay: Yeah! I was there last week.

[Cut to Kevin on gym cycle between two other ladies using gym cycles. Kevin is using cellphone.]

I texted you but you an’t text me back.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: I was caught up. I had brunch with Carol.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Wait, what Carol? Carol from project?

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Na, na, na. Carol DeTec that I nanny for.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Oh, okay.

Kenan: Her kids went away on ski trip, you know what I’m saying? So, we just had a day together. Telling why and whatever. Had that brunch, went to shopping, got gelato.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. You be needing that bro. You know what I’m saying? The time, that ‘you time’.

Kenan: So, anyway, you seen Ray, then what happened?

Kevin: Oh, right. So, I’m with my bitches, right?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Come on, man! You ain’t got no bitches.

[Cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: Play you out, man.

Kevin: Why you tryina’ play me like I ain’t got like, 10  bitches man? My dog walking business is bubbling!

[Cut to Kevin walking the dogs.]

Kenan: Everybody in the hood know about your passion for K9.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Ay!

Kenan: Streets is talking, fam! That’s why you getting that bread right now.

Kevin: Let me tell you something. It ain’t even about that bread, bro. Man, I got love for them dogs. Love. I’d die for mine. [cut to Kevin] I knitted the sweaters for Christmas. [Cut to Kevin holding two dogs wearing Christmas red sweater and he is wearing the same sweater too.]

Kenan: That’s adorable.

Kevin: We all got matching sweaters man.

[cut to Jay]

Jay: I mean, that’s real talk, man! Coz it’s like, you know, when you doing something you love, you don’t even got the work no more. It’s not work no more.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Heard that.

Jay: That’s how I feel about my parties.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Ayo! How was that last party?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: Oh, that last party was off the table, man.

[Cut to Jay in painting class drinking wine.]

It was drinking wine. Painting the landscapes. Various food, you know what I’m saying?

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: You have any Cheeses though?

Jay: Do we have Cheeses. You asking if we have any chee– [Cut to Jay] What else are you gonna compare with, air?

Kevin: You’re right.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Who went to it though?

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yo! The whole squad was in there. Big Tank, Sara, Smokie, Marative, D’Rock, Barbara. What’s the boy’s name?

Kevin: Bacwaf.

Jay: Bacwaf.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Even Brit was there.

[Cut to Brit playing guitar and singing]

Brit: [singing] I’m in love with the Coco.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Yeah, listen. We was turned up.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Yo man, I missed that B.

Jay: Well, I sent you an Evite and everything. You ain’t even respond.

[cut to Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: [laughing] Yo! This dude said Evite like it’s twothousandthree or something.

Kevin: [laughing] Yo!

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

So, stupid, yo! You sound stupid.

Jay: Okay.

Kevin: You a sad music. Here comes the sad man.

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Word! You acting like somebody put gluten in your muffin or something.

[Cut to Jay]

Jay: Whatever, man!

[Cut to Kenan]

Kenan: Anyway! Back to the damn story.

[Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kevin: Right. Right, right, right.

Kenan: We don’t bush away. You see Ray, and?

Kevin: I shot him.

[Cut to Kevin shooting somebody with his gun.] [Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Jay: In front of the bitches and everything?

Kevin: Yeah!

[Cut to Kevin with the dogs holding a gun. Then he turns back and walks away with his dogs.] [Cut to Jay, Kevin and Kenan]

Kenan: How was the mayonnaise?

Kevin: I didn’t get the mayonnaise. They trying to charge $8 for that shit.

Kenan: For mayonnaise?

Kevin: For mayonnaise. $8 for the mayonnaise.

Kenan: Come on, man!

[Kevin looks at someone.]

Kevin: Yo! Who dat? Who dat?

Kenan: Oh, that’s just Carama and his life partner. Wad up Caray?

Kevin: Wad up Magel?

Jay: It’s getting crazy out here.

[police siren]

Kevin: Yo, yo! Five, five, five.

[Jay, Kevin and Kenan split and walk in different directions.