Why’d You Post That

Darnell Pepper… Kevin Hart

Kim… Venessa Bayer

Trisa… Aidy Bryant

Travis… Kyle Mooney

[Starts with Darnell Pepper in his set for Why’d You Post That?] [cheers and applause]

Darnell Pepper: Hello, what’s up? I’m Darnell Pepper and welcome to Why’d You Post That? Yeah! This is the show where I find people who are bad on Instagram, bring them out here and yell at them. Please welcome our first guest, Kim.

[Kim walks in]

Kim: Hi Darnell.

Darnell Pepper: Hey, thanks for being here.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Kim, do me a favor. I want you to tell me what this photo is and why did you post it?

[There is a blur photo of The Empire State building posted on Instagram on the show screen.]

Kim: Oh, that’s the Empire State building [cut to Kim] and I posted it because I heart New York

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh! Okay, okay. That’s the Empire State building right there? Wow. I’ve never seen that before.

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: Oh, wow, you haven’t?

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Of course I have, Kim. I’ve seen the Empire State building about a billion times. There’s actually tons of photos going around that other people have seen of it. I don’t think not one person has seen this photo and said, “What’s Kim’s take on it?” Kim, answer this question. Why is it so blurry? And when you took it, were you thrown from the building when you took the picture?

[Cut to Kim]

Kim: No, Darnell. I thought I actually had a pretty good view.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, this is a good view to you? This here? Kim, you know, my grandmom has a better view and her house honestly Kim, is underground. My grandmom’s dead. Um, Kim, listen. Your Instagram has taken time from my life. And right now, I’m gonna take time from your’s. You’re going into wall.

[Cut to the stage.]

Kim: What do you mean?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Kim is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Yeah, get your ass out! [Cut to Darnell Pepper] Get out! Get your ass out! Um, now, for those of you tuning into my show for the first time, yes, I do have a small dungeon behind my set. Now, each of my guests is basically locked back there for about one week just to get their minds right. Is it illegal? Of course it is. You wanna stop me, just call 911. We all know you’re not going to do it. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Okay, please help me welcome my next guest, Trisa.

[Trisa walks in] [cheers and applause]

Trisa: Hi. Hey, I was told I was gonna be on ‘The Price Is Right’.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Well, you got the price wrong. Um, Trisa, here’s the thing. I wanna tell you a story. I was laying on my bed on Sunday and I’m basically scrolling through the gram and I saw a picture of my sister’s daughter. [Show screen showing Darnell Pepper’s sister’s daughter posted on Instagram.] Aw, there she is. You know what I did? I loved that. That’s what I did. You know I saw another picture of my friend’s puppy. He was dressed like a hotdog. [Show screen showing a puppy dressed like a hotdog posted on Instagram.] Look at this. Cute as hell. That’s cute, right? Then all of a sudden,this popped up. [Show screen showing a picture of a broken toenail posted on Instagram.] It’s a photo of your big old bruised and busted toe. Now, why in hell would you post this photo?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: [laughing] I don’t know, it’s a funny story, Darnell. A horse ran over my big toe and it got really bruised and then the nail broke off. And I was like, “Oh, my god. That would make the perfect Instagram.”

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: [fake laughing] Hey, Trisa, is your mom watching this?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Oh, yeah! Definitely.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Okay, then I’ma take this time to address your mother directly. [looking at the camera] You failed! Okay?

[Cut to Trisa]

Trisa: Okay. Well, Darnell, I’m sorry. I had to give my followers something for Throw Back Thursday. You know, TBT.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Wait a minute. Hold on! Hold on! This was a TBT? So, you’re telling me that you went through all your old photos to be like, “Hmm, what should I post?” And somehow you decided on a picture of a dead toe? You know what that’s like, Trisa? That’s like fishing an old dukie out the toilet to restake the bathroom. That’s what it’s like. Trisa, pack your bags coz you’re going into wall.

Trisa: What?

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Trisa is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

Darnell Pepper: Get your ass back there. God I love doing that. I love it. I really do. Now, right now is time for this week’s Darnell Do Not. Instagrammers, do not post a sexy selfie without checking the background first.I want you to look at this. [Show screen shows a picture of a woman posted on Instagram.] Look at this girl trying to get me all horny. Hey, real quick, what’s that behind her on the bathroom floor? [The picture zooms. There’s a baby lying naked on the floor.] Oh! Oh! That’s a baby back there busting it open. That’s what that is. Okay? This is not a sexy selfie. It’s exhibit A in a custody trial. And that’s why it’s a Darnell do Not.

Alright, now it’s time for my final guest. He’s a dumb little idiot. Please welcome Travis.

[Travis walks in]

Travis: Hey, my brother!

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Ha-ha. Shut the hell up, Travis. We need to talk about something serious, okay? Last week Travis, there was a horrible terrorist attack in Paris. And Travis, you posted an Instagram about it.

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: That’s right. And the caption said, “Thinking of everyone in Paris” coz I was.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: Oh, that’s nice. But you know, let’s take a look at the picture right now.

[Show screen show’s a selfie of Travis in his bed topless posted on Instagram.}

Look at that. This is not about Paris. This is about you trying to show of your little orangutan nipples. That’s what this is. Okay? Have you ever been to Paris, Travis?

[Cut to Travis]

Travis: Yes, sir. I love the culture there. But the Eiffel tower was smaller than I thought and I lost a lot of money.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Darnell Pepper: That was Vegas. Okay? Travis, that’s it! You’re going in the wall.

[Darnell Pepper presses a button beside his chair. The sofa that Travis is sitting on gets pulled into the smoky wall and the wall closes.]

In the wall! In the wall! Get your ass back there.

[Cut to Darnell Pepper]

Alright, people! Well, that’s all the time we have on Why’d You Post That? I’m Darnell Pepper saying, “Don’t post pictures of coffee.” Goodnight.

The Journey

King… Kenan Thompson

Kevin Hart

Cecily Strong

Sasheer Zamata

Taran Killam

[Starts with a video clip of a burning castle.] [Cut to inside the castle.]

King: What is the word from the lower villages?

Kevin: There’s nothing left my lord. Just fires and ashes as far as the eye can see.

[Cut to Cecily]

Cecily: So it’s true that the dragon has returned.

[Cut to Sasheer and Taran]

Sasheer: May god watch over us.

Taran: What do you suggest we do, my lord?

[Cut to King and Kevin]

King: We need to find a new land. There’s nothing left for us here.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Indeed my lord. We must go. The dragon will return soon. There isn’t much time.

[Cut to everybody]

King: Very well. We must leave and never look back.

[music playing] [singing] This was our land

it gave us seed

it bore us fruit

so stand on knees

now we must move on

move away from this land

this land we love

Cecily: [singing] we worked this land

we tilled it’s wheat

Taran: [singing] The soil beneath our feet

Sasheer: [singing] Now we must move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Move away from this land

this land we love

[Cut to Kevin looking angry]

Kevin: Hey! Hey! What the hell was that?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King: We’re preparing ourselves to move away from here and on to a distant land.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, man! We don’t have time for that. We need to go out this door before this dragon comes and kill us.

[Cut to everybody. Kevin walks pass them.]

Let’s go.

King: Yes. We must make haste before the creature returns.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Exactly. Now, come on man, let’s go.

[Cut to everybody]

King: On to a new land.

[singing] This land we find–

Kevin: Wait! No!

King: It’ll be our land

Kevin: Ay, this is messed up, man!

Taran: We’ll travel across sea and sand

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Okay, you know what? I’m just gonna start packing for you guys.

[Kevin leaves] [Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay, is this your shirt?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: We must move on.

Kevin: I’m just asking, is this anybody’s shirt right here?

Cecily: Move away from here

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Ay! Whose little pants are these? Are these my pants?

[Cut to King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran]

King, Cecily, Sasheer and Taran: This land we love.

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: My bad! These are mine. I got them in black and brown. I remember. You know what I’m gonna do? I’m just gonna take everything. I’m going to put them in this bag and sort it out when we get there. [Cut to everybody] Okay? Cool. Let’s go.

Taran: Yes, we must come closer to our new homeland, with each step we take.

Kevin: Okay. [pointing at the door] Then can we take one step please? Come on, man! We gotta go. Let’s get out of here.

[dragon screaming.]

That was a dragon scream. My butt hole just got this tight. No, no, man! Listen. No more fooling around, okay? Lose the vocals, y’all! It’s time to go. Grab the great juice and let’s get to moving. [Kevin is pushing everybody towards the door.]

King: We’re ready. Lead the way!

King and Cecily: [singing] Open the door and lead us all

Sasheer and Taran: [singing] Then close the door after we go

[Cut to Kevin]

Kevin: Shut up! Just shut up. Shut your mouth! You guys don’t get it, okay? Everybody outside of this window right here is dead. Do you wanna end up like them?

Taran: No! [Taran starts singing words]

Kevin: You are a loser! You hear me? A loser! You know what? Look at what’s going on out here. Look at this.

[Kevin opens the curtains of the window. Outside is a big dragon eye looking at them]

Ah! Ah!

Taran: Oh, I get it. The dragon. We should go.

Kevin: Finally, took you all day.

Leslie: Hey! [Cut to Leslie] Aren’t you forgetting something? Like, your wife?

[Cut to everybody]

Kevin: Oh, man! Not this!

Leslie: [singing] You leave me here

I’ll kick your ass

I’ll hunt you down

and well on your ass

Now, let’s move on

King, Cecily, Sasheer, Taran and Leslie: We must move on.

[Everybody is leaving]

Kevin: Oh, so now you all wanna move on coz she said something? That’s all that took? My wife to come out here?