Kevin Hart
Leslie Jones
Marcus… Jay Pharoah
[Starts with Heinz Hall]
Kevin Hart: Thank you Pittsburgh, goodnight!
[Cut to Kevin Hart entering his dressing room]
Goodness, gracious.
[Cut to inside the dressing room. Leslie is sitting on the sofa.]
Leslie: Good show, Kevin. You’ve come a long way.
Kevin Hart: Ah, thank you. Who are you?
Leslie: You serious? You don’t remember me? [Cut to Leslie] You were the MC at Sweet Cheeks about 20 years ago at Linux city. And I found you after the show. We went to my place and it went down. It didn’t take long though, about 3 minutes. Then I took the blanket and you rested at my breasts right here.
[Cut to Kevin Hart and Leslie]
Kevin Hart: Stop. Stop. I swear to god, that’s a lie.
Leslie: It was magical. [Cut to Leslie] And now, I wanted to introduce you to your son. Marcus!
[Cut to Kevin Hart]
Kevin Hart: I’m sorry. What? Wait, wait, wait! My what?
[Cut to Leslie. Marcus enters the door.]
Leslie: Your son.
[Marcus is wearing exactly the same outfit as Kevin Hart]
Kevin Hart: Who?
[Cut to everybody]
Wait, who is this?
Leslie: He’s your son, Kevin. And I don’t want anything from you. I just wanted you to know.
Kevin Hart: Lady, listen to me and you listen good, okay? This man’s about 6’2″. Now, here’s the thing. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] There’s no way he’s my son.
[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]
Marcus: [snapping and clapping like Kevin Hart] Yeah! Here’s the thing, ma! Let me explain. [He’s talking like Kevin Hart] First of all, this is not my dad. It’s a waste of my damn time. That’s what it is. Okay, this man wasn’t my dad back then, he ain’t my dad now. Pow, pow, pow. Hmph! [laughing like Kevin Hart]
[Leslie points at Marcus]
Leslie: There you go. You still think he’s not your’s?
[Cut to Kevin Hart]
Kevin Hart: Absolutely not!
[Cut to Leslie and Marcus]
Marcus: Listen, absolutely not! That’s right! Ma, I’ll tell you why. This is what happened, pow! Right there, see? Pow! First of all, look at his face. Man looks nothing like me. He looks like a damn Teddy Graham. That’s what he looks like.
[Cut to everybody]
Kevin Hart: Listen to me. He’s right, we look nothing alike. Okay? Look at this. [Kevin Hart walks to Marcus] I mean, come on! This doesn’t even add up. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps]
Marcus: You damn right it doesn’t add up! [Marcus snaps and claps like Kevin Hart] Listen, coz there’s nothing to add. Okay, this man, right here, [claps 20 times] not my dad! Umph!
Kevin Hart: I couldn’t agree any more. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] No relation.
Marcus: See? [Leslie snaps and claps] No relation at all.
Kevin Hart: Don’t need a paternity test for this.
Marcus: No need to go on. Pow!
Kevin Hart: Case closed! Pow!
[Cut to Leslie]
Leslie: So, y’all don’t hear each other at all? Y’all not hearing what I’m hearing?
[Cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus]
Kevin Hart: Okay, [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] you listen, you listen good. What I’m hearing is two complete strangers okay?
[Cut to everybody]
You got no proof, no records, no paternity test, no video, [cut to Kevin Hart and Marcus] no nothing. Appreciate you coming by, but unlike you I got things to do. [Kevin Hart snaps and claps] Okay?
[Kevin Hart tries to leave but Leslie holds and carries Kevin Hart.]
Leslie: You get back here.
Kevin Hart: Oh!
Leslie: You have always been a knucklehead. And you still stupid now. Listen to him. [yelling] Listen to him, okay? You think I like going to the movies and see and think like a man and hearing my son’s voice in a sex scene? I don’t, Kevin! I hate it.
Kevin Hart: Okay, alright. Alright. Alright. Alright. You know what? I do kind of remember that grab. Now, I don’t want to be nasty but I swear to god girl, you just hit my spot.
Leslie: Oh yeah, I remember your spot.
[Cut to Kevin Hart, Leslie and Marcus]
Kevin Hart: Marcus, huh? Now, you seem like a handsome intelligent young man with a very sexy voice. Come here man. Oh, my god. I might have a son.
Marcus: Oh, my god! I might have a dad.
Kevin Hart and Marcus: Oh, my god! We might be a family.
[Kevin Hart and Marcus hug]
No!
[everybody laughing]
Leslie: This is so nice. It’s rather annoying, but, ah!