Tag: Kid

Kid Klash

Mark Zazz… Will Forte

Tatum… Aidy Bryant

[Starts with show intro]

Male voice: Blomps, splats, flizzes and crunchers. You’re watching the coolest gameshow for kids. It’s Kid Klash.

[Cut to Mark Zazz in the show set]

Mark Zazz: Hello. I am Mark Zazz and this is Kid Klash. The game show where kids compete in physical challenges. Now, if you saw last week’s episode, Susie is okay. She’s back home and she’s okay. And we have a brand new Kid Klash contestant ready to go, meet Tatum.

[Tatum walks in. She’s wearing a yellow helmet.]

Tatum: Hey, everyone. I’m the shortest and the slowest one on my basketball team, but here, I’m gonna win. I’m Tatum.

Mark Zazz: Great ‘tude, Tatum. And today’s prize is pizza for life. That’s right. You get to keep this one pizza for your entire life.

Tatum: Oh, I really want that.

Mark Zazz: Alright, let’s take a look at the course. First you’re taking a dive into the whipped cream pie to find the plan.

Tatum: Wow.

Mark Zazz: Then move on to the slippery monkey bars but watch out for hot nacho cheese below.

Tatum: Oh, I hope it’s not too hot.

Mark Zazz: Oh, it is. It is really hot.

Tatum: Okay.

Mark Zazz: Finally, you and your family climb into this giant glass to become a human shrimp cocktail.

Kyle: You can do this!

Heidi: We’re ready to be shrimp with you.

Mark Zazz: Alright, remember, you can’t move on till you find that flag. Ready, set, go.

[Tatum runs runs into the whipped cream to find the flag.]

Tatum, there we go. Tatum is deep in the cream and you’re looking for that flag. Here’s a Kid Klash fact about her. Tatum’s favorite things are spaghetti and beach balls. Alright. Tatum, have you found that flag yet?

Tatum: No. So far, I’m just feeling the cream.

Mark Zazz: Alright, keep looking. And here’s a hint: it’s in there. So, do you not know what a flag is?

Tatum: No, I do.

Mark Zazz: Alright. then try to find it.

Tatum: I am.

Mark Zazz: Alright. Another Kid Klash fact, Tatum was disqualified for the chili cook off at her school for lying. Yeah. Alright, how are you doing, Tatum?

Tatum: The cream is really thick. I’m working pretty hard here.

Mark Zazz: It doesn’t show.

Tatum: Oh my god. Oh my god. I think I found something. It’s some kind of gold medallion.

Mark Zazz: Amazing. But one question for you Tatum. Is a medallion the same as a frickin flag?

Tatum: No. But doesn’t it seem like maybe it’s worth more than a flag?

Mark Zazz: Well, you’re wrong, Tatum. It’s probably leftover from last week’s show.

Tatum: Wait, you don’t change up the cream?

Mark Zazz: I don’t know, Tatum. But your time is up in three, two, one.

Bowen: For Christ sake!

Heidi: That’s okay, honey.

Kyle: Dammit, Tatum!

Tatum: I’m sorry everyone. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t find the flag.

[Tatum is getting out of the whipped cream pie]

Mark Zazz: Where do you think you’re going?

Tatum: Well, I guess to get cleaned up and go back to Indiana.

Mark Zazz: You’re not going anywhere. Not until you find that flag.

Tatum: But the time ended.

Mark Zazz: I didn’t start this game show to encourage children to quit like whiny little babies. Now, I was very clear you get out of the pie when you find the flat.

Tatum: What? Mom!

Heidi: We agree with him, Tatum. She never sees anything through Mr. Zazz.

Tatum: Okay. I’ll keep trying.

[Tatum starts looking for flag inside the whipped cream pie again]

Mark Zazz: Now, Tatum, as I’m sure you know, you and your shrimp family are now ineligible for the pizza for life life.

Tatum: This music is making me feel really bad.

Mark Zazz: Oh wait. And I’m just now remembering the pie was supposed to spin. Can we get that going?

Tatum: What? Please. Does this part have to go on TV?

Mark Zazz: Tatum, you know that it does. How do you think it’s gonna be in the real world?

Tatum: I guess like this.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, that’s right. The whipped cream is adversity and the flag is your unfulfilled potential.

Tatum: Okay. Well, I think I just got my period.

Mark Zazz: Yeah, you’re not the first to do that in there.

Tatum: Wait. Oh my god. Is this it? [showing a tiny little flag]

Mark Zazz: Oh, she found the flag.

Tatum: Why is it so small? And it’s white like the cream. This is really bad game.

Mark Zazz: No, it’s good. And when we return, we’re gonna put the adopted brother on the monkey bar.

[Kyle and Heidi looks at Bowen]

Bowen: I’m adopted?

Mark Zazz: Yes you are. We’ll be right back for more Kid Klash.

Strange Kid Tales

Alan Daniels… Kenan Thompson

Kenny Jaron… Jonathan Majors

Marla Winters… Aidy Bryant

Dave Timkens… Alex Moffat

Ramona Garrett… Heidi Gardner

[Starts with channel intro]

Male voice: You’re watching the Sci Fi channel. Why?

[Cut to the show intro]

Alan: Alright, welcome back to Strange Kid Tales. The show where parents tell us paranormal stories about their kids. I hate hosting this show. But a paycheck’s a paycheck. I’m Alan Daniels with me is my co host Kenny Jaron. You ready to do this?

Kenny: No. But we got to do it anyway.

Alan: Yep. Our first guest, Marla Winters and her son, Caden.

[Marla Winters and her son walk in]

So what’s going on with this little boy?

Marla: Oh! Well, Caden’s always been so perceptive. And it’s like, he can see other worldly things that we can’t see.

Alan: What does that mean?

Marla: Oh, well, like the other day, we were walking by a cemetery.

Alan: No.

Marla: And he starts waving at someone. Only there’s no one there.

Alan: Do not like it.

Marla: So, I say, “Who are you waving at?” And he says, “The man in the red jacket.”

Alan: The in the what now?

Marla: And the weird part is–

Alan: Oh, that wasn’t the weird part?

Marla: When I was tucking him in that night, he waved at the corner of his bedroom, and I said, “Who are you waving at now?” And he goes, “The man in the red jacket.” He followed us home.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats.]

Alan and Kenny: No. No, no, no, no.

Alan: Alright. Thank you for being here. But you gotta go. Alright. Let’s keep it moving.

Kenny: Do we have to?

Alan: Yes.

Kenny: Okay.

Alan: All right. Our next guests are Dave Timkens and his six year old son, Max.

[Dave Timkens and his son walk in]

No! Kid already looks creepy, he ain’t even said a word.

Kenny: There’s nothing behind his eyes. [The kid, Alan and Kenny stare at each other]

Alan: Alright. So why don’t you just tell me your kid’s tale, man?

Dave: Okay, so well. A few weeks ago, I was watching a World War II doc. They were showing footage of these fighter planes, and out of the blue Max turns to me and says, “When I was old, I flew a plane like that.”

Alan: When he was old? He said when he was old?

Kenny: Nah!

Alan: That is not a sentence I want coming out of a child’s mouth.

Dave: Yeah. So, in a past life, Max here was a World War II fighter pilot. Tell him which aircraft carrier you served on pal.

Max: The Natoma.

Kenny: He knows the name of the ship.

Alan: He knows the name of the ship.

Dave: Yeah, yeah, he does. Max has a really vivid memory of his plane getting shot down and going underwater. Tell him what happened next.

Max: I died.

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: Oh, man! Come on! Come on. He said he died. And now he here? Take that demon child away from here. Man, I do not like this show. I don’t like these tales.

Kenny: I’m out. I quit.

Alan: You can’t quit. I need you. I can’t listen to the spooky stories by myself.

Kenny: Alright, back. Maybe the last kid won’t be as creepy.

Alan: Yeah, maybe.

Kenny: Okay. Let’s see. You good?

Alan: Yeah, I’m good. You good?

Kenny: Yes.

Alan: Alright. Man, let’s see. Last guests, Ramona Garrett and her daughter… Oh, hell. Coraline. Alright. So, what’s going on with this little Wednesday Adams?

Ramona: So, a few months ago Coraline started singing the song I’d never heard. I said, “Who taught you that?” She said, “The old lady who comes into my room at night.”

Kenny: No.

Ramona: She said, it’s her imaginary friend. But then we were looking through an old family photo album and there was a picture of her great grandmother who died 15 years ago. [Alan and Kenny are all teared up] And Coraline points to the photo and says, “That’s the woman who sings to me at night.”

[Alan and Kenny jump out of their seats]

Alan: What do I always say? Hmm? Imaginary friends are ghosts. Alright. That’s it. This is our last show. We are done.

Ramona: Oh my gosh. We’re sorry to hear that. [looking at her daughter] Wait. Who are you staring at?

Coraline: [pointing behind Alan and Kenny] The man in the red jacket?

[[Alan and Kenny slowly turns back. There’s a man in the red jacket. They run out.]

Billionaire Star Trek

Jeff Bezos… Owen Wilson

Brother… Luke Wilson

Kid… Andrew Dismukes

Wally Funk… Heidi Gardner

Richard Branson… Alex Moffat

Elon Musk… Mikey Day

Delivery guy… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with video clips of space]

Male voice: For decades, the Star Trek franchise from the Final Frontier. Now, the tradition continues with a new ship, a new crew, and a new captain, Amazon founder, Jeff Bezos.

[Cut to Jeff Bezos in a space ship]

Jeff Bezos: Dude! Space is freaking awesome!

Male voice: Star Trek Ego Quest. The voyages of the S.S. New Sheppard. And its crew of random weirdos. Captain Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Hell yes!

Male voice: First mate Jeff Bezos’ brother who is name is– Science Officer is some rich high school kid from Netherlands. [Kid dabs] And 82 year old astronaut, Wally Funk.

Wally Funk: I’m tired.

Male voice: Their mission to just sort of fly around space goofing off in a ship that looks like a penis.

Jeff Bezos: I’m in space with my brother Mark. This owns.

Brother: This is unbelievable.

Male voice: Alliances will be formed.

[Jeff Bezos looking out of the window]

Jeff Bezos: I’d recognize that purple mood lighting anywhere. Richard Branson, you maniac!

[Cut to Richard Branson inside a space ship with purple mood lighting in]

Richard Branson: Haha! What’s up, Bezos? You nutter! What are you doing?

Jeff Bezos: Well, just flying around.

Richard Branson: Yea, same here. Hey, you fancy a race?

Jeff Bezos: It’s on. Come on, you limey bitch!

[They start racing their space ships]

Male voice: Take flight on a midlife crisis of cosmic proportions.

[Their space ship crashes]

Jeff Bezos: Oh! We hit a space station.

Richard Branson: Oops! Don’t care. Ha-ha-ha.

Male voice: But around every corner, danger lurks.

Wally Funk: Incoming torpedo!

[something hits their space ship.]

Jeff Bezos: Who the hell is firing at us?

[Elon Musk appears on the screen]

Elon Musk: Hello, Jeff Bezos.

Jeff Bezos: Elon Musk. You son of a bitch.

Elon Musk: Space is big enough for only one weird white billionaire. So, you could say beating you is my prime objective.

Male voice: They’ll need all the help they can get from a loyal team of valued employees.

Kid: Captain.

Jeff Bezos: Yes.

Kid: We have a request to beam aboard.

Jeff Bezos: Sweet. Yes. It’s my delivery guy. Beam him up.

[Delivery guy teleports inside the space ship. He’s an Amazon delivery guy and is carrying a package.]

Delivery guy: Wow! Space! I can’t believe I’m up here.

Jeff Bezos: Thanks. Adios.

Delivery guy: By the way, it’s an honor to meet you, sir. People say you don’t care about Amazon employees but I disagree.

[Brother hits a button and Delivery guy starts vanishing]

Wow, so you’re just going to throw me out like that? Ay, can I use the bathroom real quick?

[Jeff Bezos throws a bottle at Delivery guy and he catches it]

Ay man, I’m not peeing in this!

Male voice: Star Trek, Ego Quest. Streaming this Christmas.

Jeff Bezos: So, what should we do? We do a couple of laps?