Dexter Hill… Mikey Day
Allie Jackson… Natalie Portman
Dylan Maxwell… Pete Davidson
Ellen DeGeneres… Kate McKinnon
[Starts with “Kids’ Choice Awards” 2018 video bumper]
Female voice: Kids rock.
[Cut to Dexter and Allie in the show set]
Dexter: Whoo! I’m Dexter, here with Allie. I’m on the orange carpet for the “Kids’ Choice Awards” pre show. If you’re just joining us, here’s what you missed.
[Cut to Dexter in front of a group of kids]
Dexter: Hey, let’s see if we can break the screamo meter. Ready, guys?
[The kids and Dexter are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the middle of the scale.]
[Cut to Allie in front of a group of kids]
Allie: We can beat that, right buys?
[The kids and Allie are screaming. There’s a screamo meter at the bottom of the screen where the meter is pointing at the maximum of the scale.]
[Cut to Dexter and Allie]
Dexter: Oh, man! What a blast. [to kids] You guys having fun or what?
Dexter: I think they are. What about you? You having fun, Allie?
Allie: [Allie has lost her voice because she screamed so much] Oh, yeah. Maybe a little too much. And you might be able to tell, I’ve lost my voice coz all the screaming I did in the last hour.
Dexter: Okay. If you can’t hear her, um, Allie has fully lost her voice.
Allie: My voice may be gone but this party is just getting started, right guys?
[the kids are silent]
Yeah, well, our countdown to the loudest, craziest [inaudible] right here [inaudible] I’m having slime of my life.
Dexter: The slime? Oh! You’re having the slime of your life. Okay. Yeah. Me too, Allie. [funny buzzer] Oh-oh! You know what that means. It’s time for a Zany Zoom.
[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Dexter and Allie and it looks funny. Dexter is shouting at the camera but Allie can’t.]
Allie: Oh, that didn’t work. Kindly, I’d like to [inaudible]
Dexter: Alright. Well, Al tries to flag down some tea with honey in it. Um, let’s check in with our backstage correspondent and start Nickelodeon’s Dylan’s rules for surviving 7th grade. Dylan Maxwell, nominated tonight for coolest face. Dyl, what’s the scoop from the inside, brother?
[Cut to Dylan]
Dylan: Dex, Allie, I’m here with the real stars of the show. The coveted Nickelodeon Blimps that will be handed out to the winners. Hey, you think they’ll notice if I took one? Ha-ha-ha.
[Cut to split screen with Dexter, Allie and Dylan. Allie is drinking tea.]
Dexter: Ha-ha-ha. Somebody get security over there.
Allie: [still in lost voice] Hey, Dyl, [inaudible]
Dylan: I’m sorry. What?
Allie: Wait. Maybe I can talk on the inhale.
Dexter: Oh. She’s gonna talk on the inhale.
Allie: [talking while inhaling] Dyl, are the awards heavy?
Dylan: I’m sorry. One last time. what?
Allie: [talking while inhaling] I was just wondering–
Dexter: [interrupting] Let’s not do that anymore. Super weird. Thanks Dylan. We’ll check back in with you later, my man. And Al, I think I see one of your producers flagging you down. So, why don’t you go see what’s up with that? While we see [slowly moving away from Allie] if I can talk to the one and only miss Ellen DeGeneres. [Dexter walks to Ellen] She’s already dancing. [cheers and applause] She’s already dancing. Ellen, hi. How are you?
Ellen: Well, I wish I had an outfit that went better with orange.
Dexter: Oh-oh! Ellen, you’re up for ‘Favorite Funny Lesbian’ tonight. Are you excited?
Ellen: Yeah. And um, I’m pretty sure it’s ‘Favorite Funny Person.’ Not specifically ‘Lesbian.’
Dexter: Okay. I’m so sorry about that.
Ellen: But I’m still getting a slime out of my hair from last year. So, keep your eyes peeled for a shower cow.
[Allie runs in.]
Allie: [in devil voice] Ellen, hi.
Ellen: Jesus Christ!
Allie: I lost my voice. So, the producers gave me this vocalizer. [Dexter walks out] What award are you presenting tonight?
Ellen: I’m sorry I said Jesus Christ. I was startled by your voice. But I’m presenting ‘Meanest TV Teacher’. [funny buzzer]
Allie: Oh-oh! Time for Zany Zoom.
[Cut to Zany Zoom shot. The camera zooms to Ellen and Allie and it looks funny. Allie is shouting at the camera. Ellen walks out.]
[Dexter walks in]
Dexter: Alright. That was absolutely terrifying. I think Ellen has to get inside. I’m also hearing that the producers are asking you ahead and lose that vocalizer as it’s scaring the kids.
Allie: [running towards the kids] [in devil voice] Maybe they are afraid of being slimed?
[The kids are terrified and running and hiding.]
Dexter: Alright. No, it’s definitely the voice thing. So, please lose it immediately. Um, remember, online voting is still open. You can still vote for rewards like, ‘Best Actor in Jumanji movie’. My money’s on the Rock. Right, Allie?
[Allie is with Chris who fixing an injection for her voice. He is smiling at the camera.]
Okay, [walking away from them] over here, Allies about to get a steroid injection in her throat which is really weird. That’s something no one wants to see. So come over here. Yes. Okay. We’re gonna take a quick break, but keep it here for more action from the orange carpet at the 2018 Kids’ Choice Awards.
Allie: [lost voice] Only on– it didn’t work. [uses her vocalizer] [devil voice] Only on Nickel–
Dexter: Yeah. Don’t use that ever again.