Tag: Kit Harrington

New Video Game

Pete Davidson

Alex Moffat

Knox… Ego Nwodim

Damian… Kit Harrington

Ethan… Mikey Day

Zombie… Chris Redd

[Starts with Pete Davidson going to play a VR video game in a video game store]

Pete Davidson: Dude, you’re going to love this game. Are the graphics as insane as everybody says they are?

Alex Moffat: Are you kidding me? “Earth War 3” It makes “Earth War 2” look like a Mario game. And in VR, forget about it.

Pete Davidson: Dope. Let’s smoke some zombies. [Cut to Video game] Yo, it’s like I’m actually there.

Alex Moffat: Right?

[Damian looks at the player]

Damian: Hey, you must be the new special division agent. I’m Damien. I run the safe house where you can upgrade gear and check progress. But first, find the weapons room.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, wow. All right. I’m going to get the biggest gun they have.

Alex Moffat: Do it, dude.

[Cut to video game. Player walks to Ethan.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. I’m Ethan. I run the safe house with Damien. This is your mission hub. Or it will be once I get it up and running.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: Uh, cool. Not here to talk. [Cut to Pete and Alex] Where are the guns at?

[Cut to video game. Player is looking for a gun, but runs into Damian.]

Damian: Hey, it’s me, Damien. I saw you talking to Ethan. I heard him say we run the safe house together. We don’t. I run it. He helps.

[Cut to Pete Davidson]

Pete Davidson: All right.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Ethan’s nice but his ideas aren’t great. Like his mission hub.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: I just want to shoot zombies but these helper guys keep bending my ear.

Alex Moffat: Oh, NPCs? If you don’t want to talk to them, just hit ‘B’, dude!

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: Hey, I heard something weird about Ethan.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Skip.

[Cut to video game. Damian is talking to the Player.]

Damian: I get it. You’re a busy man. Now go kick some ass.

[Ethan calls the player]

Ethan: Agent, there’s a zombie horde in sector 3. Come with me to gear up.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Finally. Thank you.

[Cut to video game. Ethan takes Player to a room.]

Ethan: Hey, I lied about the whole zombie horde thing so we can talk alone.

Pete Davidson: No!

Ethan: Is Damien like, mad at me? I think he’s jealous of the mission hub because it was my idea. Or it’s something else. What do you think?

[Three options appear in the game]

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Shut up.

[Cut to video game. Ethan is talking to the Player.]

[Pete presses skip button]

Ethan: Oh, I understand. You don’t have time to talk but let me guess, you have time to talk to Damien. This place is so toxic.

[Ethan leaves the room]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Damian enters the room]

Damian: Oh, my god. What wasn’t all that about?

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Can I kill these guys?

[Pete starts hitting Damian]

[Cut to video game. Player is hitting Damian.]

Damian: Watch it. Ouch. Be careful. Wa- Wa- Watch it.

Pete Davidson: Skip.

Damian: I get it, you’re a busy man. Go kick some ass.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: Guns, now please!

[Cut to video game. Player gets out of the room and runs into Knox.]

Knox: Agent. There you are. I’m Knox, section commander. I’ll cut to the chase. What’s going on with Ethan and Damien? Get real with the bitch.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game. Knox is talking to the player.]

Knox: We’ll talk later. Anyway, the weapons storage room is that way. Good luck.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Oh, my god, finally!

[Cut to video game. Player walks to the weapons storage but runs into Ethan and Damian.]

Ethan: Hey, agent. Damien and I are hashing some stuff out.

Pete Davidson: No!

Damian: Yeah, we’re going to need a minute alone.

[Ethan closes the door]

Video Game Announcer: Storage room locked.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Are you kidding me?

[Cut to video game. Ethan and Damian are talking.]

Ethan: Any idea that’s not yours.

Damian: I mean, every time now, Ethan, for god’s sake.

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: Screw it, I’m going out without a gun.

Alex: Yeah!

[Cut to video game. Player opens the lab door.]

Video Game Announcer: Lab door open.

[Player walks outside the lab. A zombie confronts him.]

Zombie: Rawr! What’s the deal with Ethan and Damien?

[Cut to Pete and Alex]

Pete Davidson: No!

[Cut to video game]

Video Game Announcer: Game over!

Nephew Pageant | Season 44 Episode 17

Aunt Patty… Aidy Bryant

Joshua… Kit Harrington

Aunt Carla… Cecily Strong

Devon… Kyle Mooney

Aunt Eileen… Kate McKinnon

Lucas… Mikey Day

Aunt Ro… Leslie Jones

Daniel… Chris Redd

Judge… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Nephewe Pagent intro]

Narrator: Live from the Saint Rose of Lima Auditorium and Sports Center, it’s the 2019 Nephew Pageant.

[Cut to Aunt Patty in the stage]

Aunt Patty: [Singing] Oh, who’s that boy, he’s clever and fun, he’s my sibling’s son.

This is Nephews 2019

Good evening and welcome to the 19th annual Nephew Pageant. I’m your host, Aunt Patty. Why celebrate nephews? Well, they’re fun little scamps and they’re not yours. Here to ask the questions is last year’s winner, Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua walking to the stage]

Joshua: Hi! Did I do it right?

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Oh, perfect. How has your year been?

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Um, pretty good. My neighbors got a great dane and it’s the same weight as my dad.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Wow, Joshua. That’s cool! Well, now, let’s meet our contestants.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Here to present our first nephew, she’s been a lot nicer since she started smoking again. It’s Aunt Carla.

[Cut to Aunt Carla]

Aunt Carla: The year, 2002. The place, Mercy Hospital. The event, the birth of my nephew Devon.

[Devon joins Aunt Carla]

Aunt Patty: It’s the only pageant for the nephews of the USA.

Devon just got his braces off and knows how to flaunt it.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Devon, your question is, what does it mean to be a nephew to you?

[Cut to Devon]

Devon: Well, umm, I guess it’s like a niece but for a boy.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Correct!

[Cut to Devon. Aunt Patty joins Devon.]

Aunt Patty: Now you’re just showing off, do you have a special talent?

Devon: I can fix the printer.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: To present our next nephew, she’s been banned from weight watchers for lying too often. It’s Aunt Eileen.

[Cut to Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Eileen: He’s quiet in church and he taught me emojis. My nephew Lucas.

[Lucas joins Aunt Eileen]

Aunt Patty: Nephews are heaven’s flowers

A nephew is a song you can hug

Happy birthday to all the nephews

Lucas is not into geodes as he used to be, so please stop sending him geodes.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Your question, if you could be any nephew from history, who would it be and why?

[Cut to Lucas]

Lucas: Umm, my uncle Thomas because even uncles can be somebody’s nephew.

[Aunt Patty joins Lucas]

Aunt Patty: That’s gorgeous! Good job, Lucas. [Lucas leaves the stage] Now, here is something about me. When my nephew Dylan first got a detention at school, I sobbed so hard that they took me to the hospital.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Now here to present our final contestant, she’s suing her former psychic. It’s Aunt Ro.

[Cut to Aunt Ro]

Aunt Ro: Twice a year I mailed him a check, my nephew Daniel.

[Daniel joins Aunt Ro. Daniels is walking on crutches.]

Aunt Patty: Nephews, nephews, they’re everywhere and sweet

big ones, small ones, teeny and tall ones

I’ll send you 20 bucks in the mail

Daniel absolutely shattered his leg doing back flip in the dorm room.

[Cut to Joshua]

Joshua: Daniel, what’s your proudest moment so far?

[Cut to Daniel]

Daniel: Umm, well, it’s either the time I stole so much wrapping paper that I got to take a limo to school or when I pulled my mom out of that burning river.

[Aunt Patty joins Daniel]

Aunt Patty: Oh, that is a toss-up. Thank you, Daniel. And lest we forget our supporting players, let’s take a moment for all the nieces and pets.

[Nieces come to the stage with pets and leave]

Nephews are gold, nieces are silver and pets they are the bronze

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Good job nieces and pets. And now the winner. Judge, who will it be?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: Which one, judge?

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: The boy wins.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Aunt Patty: Say a name, judge.

[Cut to the judge]

Judge: Joshua.

[Cut to Joshua and Aunt Patty]

Joshua: What? Oh, I got to do it next year too! You really are the number one Neph. That’s it for this year. Good night.

It’s the only Pageant for the nephews of the USA

Graphics Department | Season 44 Episode 17

Kyle Mooney

Dani… Beck Bennett

Ryan… Kit Harrington

Gina… Cecily Strong

Lance… Mikey Day

[Starts with three video game geeks in the office]

Kyle: Ah, my comrades, good-morrow. I’ve returned from my journey. [Passing coffee] Your goblets await.

Dani: Oh, I pray your journey to the kingdom of Duncan was a safe one.

Ryan: Indeed, my lord. And one of the munchkins.

Kyle: I triumphed. Let us feast on their balls.

[Gina walks pass them]

Ryan: Good morning, M’lady. Your smile is—

Gina: No, you don’t talk to me.

Geeks: Apologies, m’lady, apologies, m’lady.

[Lance walks in]

Lance: Hey, folks, if I could have your attention real quick.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Our lord approaches.

Dani: Let us listen with a quizzical ear and a heart of bravery.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Right. So I just wanted to announce that our new employee of the month is Ryan from graphics for his great work [Cut to the geeks] on the new Walmart website. [Ryan walks to Lance to receive the coupon] Nice. Your prize is a free cone from Baskin-Robbins.

[Ryan receives the coupon, then kneels to Lance]

Ryan: Thank you, sire.

Lance: Okay. Don’t do this right now.

Ryan: It’s mine honor to serve the court’s design firm and I will—

Lance: All right. Just get up and get back to work, please. Thank you.

[Ryan walks back to his friends]

Ryan: My fellow comrades, did you hear of my most high honor?

[Kyle and Dani stand up]

Kyle: Do not call me your comrade. For thou is a traitor. ‘Twas I who has developed the color scheme for  thine Walmart home page.

Dani: Ah! You are mistaken here, sir. Does thou for get who suggested that ought to be bubbly letters.

Kyle:  ‘Twas corny, Dani.

Dani: ‘Twas not. ‘Twas awesome.

Ryan: My lords, shall we allow such petty squabbles to fracture our brotherhood of friendship?

Kyle: Aye, we shall. Let us battle, you swine.

Dani: So be it.

[The geeks get ready to battle, like in the video games]

I cast a fireball at you.

Ryan: I dodge it. And remind you of our latest—at Ye- old hard rock café. I Trade blows with a cannonball.

Dani: I deflect your attack with my oaken shield. And notice, thou seems to forget that I venomed my side of the bill already. Throw a fireball at J.B.

Kyle: Ah, Dani, you snake. I call upon mother nature and strike you both down with blue rain.

Ryan: Forcefield.

Dani: Ah! I am hurt. But I eat a berry to replenish my health. And I strike you both with a giant’s J.

Ryan: I fire an arrow.

Dani: I block it.

Ryan: I fire again.

Dani: I block again.

Kyle: I play my flute. It’s siren’s song, lulls you to sleep.

Ryan: I strike.

Dani: I block.

Kyle: I strike.

Ryan: I block.

[Lance walks into their game]

Lance: Guys! What the hell is going on? Stop fooling around and get back to work, please.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: Nay, we are honor-bound to fight for the treasure of employee of the month.

Ryan: If you oppose this, we shall destroy you.

[Cut to Lance]

Lance: Okay, well, clearly giving Ryan the award was a problem so I’m just going to give it to Gina instead.

[Cut to everyone]

Dani: No, I summon and earth wall to block you.

Lance: Oh, my god!

Dani: And cast a clarity spell over the office revealing that you masturbate under the stairwell.

[Cut to Gina]

Gina: Lance, is that true?

Lance: What? No! Of course, not. It’s just their stupid game.

[Cut to the geeks]

Kyle: I use my Jacob’s cloak which renders me invisible but then I reappear and summon a picture of Ye Olde masturbation. [Showing a picture of Mikey masturbating in office]

[Cut toe verybody]

Lance: What? No. No, you give me that. [Mikey seizes the picture]

Dani: Duplication spell. [Dani Takes the same picture out]

Lance: Stop it, okay? You can all be employee of the month.

[Cut to the geeks]

Dani: Victory! Lance the super visor has honored us all. I crown thee.

Ryan: I crown thee.

Kyle: I crown thee, as well. Come, let us celebrate upon yonder Hard Rock face.

[Cut to everybody. The geeks leave the office.]

Dani: Huzzah!

Ryan: Huzzah!

Ryan: So, they just get to leave in the middle of the day?

Lance: Yeah, remember, they have all these pictures of me masturbating at work.

Gina: Oh, right. Yeah.

Exam | Season 44 Episode 17

Christine… Cecily Strong

Mr. Willis… Kit Harrington

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha… Leslie Jones

Marcus… Pete Davidson

[Starts with Christine and Mr. Willis in Operation room of clinic]

Christine: So, you must be Mr. Willis. Are you here for your examination?

Mr. Willis: Yeah. Honestly I’m a little nervous. It’s not my favorite thing to do.

Christine: I don’t blame you. But as we say around the office, you can’t put a price tag on colorectal health.

Mr. Willis: Oh, that’s true. Where would you hang it?

Christine: Oh, that’s really true. And you’re comfortable with a female doctor, right?

Mr. Willis: Yea, I’ll be facing the other way so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Christine: You’re funny. That’s refreshing.

Mr. Willis: Yeah! Well, thanks for making me feel more comfortable. Hey, would you want to go out sometime?

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: You mean after your anal exam? Sure. I mean, if we don’t find anything serious.

[Cut to Christine and Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: Wow, I guess knock on wood, right? So how do you need me?

Christine: Oh, no, I’m not the doctor.

Mr. Willis: What? You’re not?

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha walks in]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Hello. I’m Dr. Yvonne De Marsha.

Mr. Willis: Oh! Dr. De Marsha?

Christine: Yes, Dr. De Marsha is one of the leading colorectal surgeons in all of Arizona, excluding Phoenix.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Uh-huh. There’s a few in Phoenix that blow me out of the water.

Mr. Willis: So, do you need me to bend over?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Baby, I just need a clear view of the sugar bowl.

[Cut to Yvonne De Marsha an Mr. Willis]

Mr. Willis: I couldn’t help but notice your nails. [Her nails are very long and have shiny stones attached to them]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, you like these?

Mr. Willis: Yes, but how does that work? You just pop them off before the exam?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Excuse me, do these look like press-on nails? I grew these, you looking at six years of my life.

Mr. Willis: I’m not questioning you, I’m just not picturing how this is going to work.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: Look, outside of Phoenix, Dr. De Marsha is the best.

[Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha dropped a tool because she can’t grab it because of her nails.]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You’re going to have to sterilize that, Christine.

[Cut to Christine]

Christine: It’s like we always say around the office, a great driver can drive a bus through Shanghai without knocking over a single Chinese lantern. [Cut to Christine and Dr. Yvonne De Marsha. Dr. Yvonne De Marsha is trying to open a can of Fanta.] Do you need help opening that pineapple Fanta, Dr. De Marsha?

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, I got it, girl. [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha hits the can with her nail and opens it] [Dr. Yvonne De Marsha takes a sip of Fanta and starts dancing] [Singing] Fanta, Fanta. All right. [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Mr. Willis] Okay, let’s get down to the gritty and your nitty.

Mr. Willis: Whoa, whoa. I’m just worried you’re going to lose one of those crystals.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Crystals? Are you insane? [Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha] These are diamonds. Mama don’t do crystals. Almost got 20 carats on all my hands. What you think, I’m a foot doctor? Can you believe that, Christine? He said crystals.

[Cut to everybody]

Christine: I guess he’s trippin’. You need your gloves?

[Cut to Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: And ruin my nails? Oh, no thank you.

Mr. Willis: Yeah, I should go. [Mr. Willis tries to leave]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Look, look, you need this. Let me get your legs.

[Dr. Yvonne De Marsha and Christine are trying to make Mr. Willis stay forcefully]

Mr. Willis: No, no!

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: No, this will be over in a minute.

Christine: I’m going to hold your hand.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Relax! Marcus get here!

[Marcus comes in and tries to hold Mr. Willis]

Marcus: Dude, give up!

Mr. Willis: I have to tell you something!

[Everybody leaves Mr. Willis]

Marcus: You’re strong.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: You are so strong.

Mr. Willis: I am your boss.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: What?

Marcus: Who?

Christine: What did you say?

Mr. Willis: I am the Chief Executive Officer of this clinic’s chain.

Christine: Eric Fordman?

Marcus: Who?

Mr. Willis: You’re on Undercover Boss. [The camera comes to confront]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Oh, my god!

Mr. Willis: I just wanted to commend you on all your exemplary work. Dr. De Marsha, you weren’t going to let me leave the office because you knew how vital colorectal health is.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Yes, I did.

Mr. Willis: Christine, you flirted with me just enough to make me want to stay. You’re a good nurse. And Marcus, and you twisted my body into the entry position, good job.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Good job!

Mr. Willis: My only note is for this kind of exam, you don’t need to push the patient’s legs over their head.

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: That is a good note. That is a good note.

Mr. Willis: Now, how about we do that exam?

[Mr. Willis gets ready for the exam himself]

Dr. Yvonne De Marsha: Woo!

Bachelorette Party | Season 44 Episode 17

Ego Nwodim

Erin… Cecily Strong

Aidy Bryant

Brian… Kit Harrington

Leslie Jones

Melissa Villaseñor

Mary… Kate McKinnon

[Starts with a group of ladies having a bachelorette party]

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I would like to propose a toast to Erin and Brian.

Everybody: To Erin and Brian.

Erin: Thank you girls so much for throwing me this bachelorette party, it’s so nice having all my girls on one room, my high school friends and my real friends.

Aidy Bryant: What?

[The door knocks]

Ego Nwodim: Who could that be, a surprise visitor?

Erin: Oh, my god, you guys, I said no strippers.

Ego Nwodim: Okay, I think you’re going to like this one.

[Ego Nwodim goes to get the door]

Brian: Hello, ladies.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Brian, what are you doing here?

[Cut to Ego and Brian]

Brian: Tonight, I’m not just your fiancé. I’m the entertainment.

[Cut to the ladies]

Leslie Jones: Wait, you fiancé is going to strip for you? That’s actually really sweet.

Melissa Villaseñor: And hot. I’ve been thinking I might want to see Brian’s body.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Hit it. [Music starts playing] Ladies, prepare yourselves for burlesque!

[Brian opens his jacket and starts dancing slowly. He’s wearing a female stripper’s clothes.]

[Cut to Erin, Ego and Aidy]

Erin: Oh, my god!

Aidy Bryant: Wait. Is that the same thing as stripping?

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: The art of slowly wearing less is burlesque. I hope you’re ready for the ‘40s because you’re about to see some bespoke ass. [Brian slaps his own ass]

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Brian, are you wearing heels?

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, just little ones for posture. [Cut to Brian] Now, shh and prepare to edge as you watch me take off my glove. [Brian takes off his gloves]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: Did he just say edge?

Melissa Villaseñor: Faster! Show us your buddy uddy uddy.

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: Patience, ladies. Soon Eva Braun will reveal all.

[Cut to the ladies]

Ego Nwodim: And Eva Braun is—

[Cut to Brian]

Brian: My stage name.

[Cut to the ladies]

Erin: Eva Braun is Hitler’s girlfriend, right?

[Cut to everybody]

Aidy Bryant: No, wife.

Brian: I’m so naughty. See my leg, it’s covered in hair.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Oh, yes. Thighs are good. Mama like.

Leslie Jones: Is it just me or—is he not really getting naked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: This is burlesque.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, my god, who are you?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: I’m Mary. I teach your husband the art of seducing. Men are not meant for the tease. But, thankfully your husband is no man.

[Cut to Erin]

Erin: Oh, thank you. I’m sorry, you’re a dance teacher?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Teacher, prostitute, ghost.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Naughty girl, looky looky and you might see my cookie cookie.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Finally. I think he’s going to show us his body.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Very close. It’s actually a tiny fan. [Brian shows a small fan]

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: [Laughs] And he’s still not naked.

[Cut to everybody. Brian jumps on to the table.]

Ego Nwodim: Well, Brian, nice big panties.

Brian: Oh, thanks. I tucked.

Erin: You tucked?

[Cut to Mary]

Mary: Of course he tucked. It must be in the car seat, otherwise it flies through the window.

[Cut to everybody]

Brian: Oh, no, I felt a pop in my tuck. My tuck is popped and I ducked.

[Mary walks to Brian]

Mary: Just move often to the finale, okay? Look at down there, they are edging so hard.

[Brian jumps off the table]

Brian: This is for my wife.

[Brian opens his clothes. He’s wearing an underwear.] [Everybody cheers]

[Cut to everybody]

[Erin walks to Brian]

Erin: Oh! Brian, my goodness, that was [Cut to Erin and Brian] one of the most bizarre things I’ve ever seen. But you worked so hard on it and you did it for me. And I can’t wait to marry you.

Brian: Thank you, baby. I love you.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Melissa Villaseñor: Yeah, great job. I’m going to be thinking about that body for a long time.

[Cut to Erin and Brian]

Brian: Well, thanks sis.

[Cut to Leslie and Melissa]

Leslie Jones: That’s your sister?