Cecily: Hello, everyone, welcome to new employee training here at New York City’s first ever Hello Kitty store.
Molly: Who’s excited? Show us.
Marcello: Let’s do it.
Bowen: Can’t weit. I love Hello Kitty.
Keke: Me too. Dream job alert.
Molly: Now as employees, you have to be prepared to answer any questions about Sam Rios Official Hello Kitty story.
Cecily: Yes. So if you open to page five of your employee manuals, you’ll see a list of facts about Hello Kitty. So as you can see, she loves to bake cookies. She goes to school and she’s actually not a cat. She is a human little girl.
Sarah: Hah, intresting.
Marcello: I never knew that.
Cecily: Yeah, it’s a fun fact, right?
Molly: Now, isn’t this a sweet one? Hello Kitty’s favorite food is a mama’s apple pie.
Bowen: Hey, why did you say hello kitty as a human little girl?
Cecily: Well, because it’s true. According to the creator’s Hello Kitty is a human little girl.
Keke: So you’re saying if you had a baby and it came out looking like Hello Kitty, you think that baby was a human baby?
Bowen: Because I would tell the doctor to throw it away.
Cecily: Well, that’s not at all what I’m saying. These are just the official Sanrio facts about Hello Kitty.
Molly: Maybe we should move on. So Hello Kitty is in third grade, and fun fact, she lives in London.
Marcello: [fake British accent] Oh wicked, in’it?
Cecily: Good. She also has a boyfriend Dear Daniel. And unlike Hello Kitty, he actually is the cat.
Bowen: So the girl is a person, but the one in the suit and ties the cat?
Bowen: Yeah, okay, that’s not gonna work for me.
Keke: And they’re dating. So you’re telling us these two are clapping cheeks bear back.
Cecily: Bear back? Yeah. Hey, no, we don’t talk that way at Sanrio.
Bowen: I’m sorry. Is this not crazy to you guys?
Sarah: I guess it’s a little weird, but I don’t care about this job. It just seems like an insane place to get high.
Molly: We’re almost done. Okay, if people ask, Hello Kitty loves candy. She weighs five apples tall and she weighs three apples.
Keke: She’s measured in apples?
Molly: She’s also in third grade. She was born in 1974.
Keke: So She’s 48 years old?
Bowen: You’re telling me she’s a 48 year old third grader who’s clapping cheeks with a cat, no Jimmy?
Cecily: Nah. Nah. We don’t talk about clapping cheeks at Sanrio.
Molly: She loves milk. Her favorite shoes are sandals.
Keke: What’s her race?
Keke: What’s Hello Kitty’s race?
Cecily: She doesn’t have one.
Bowen: You didn’t want to touch that one? She has an age, height, pet in relationship, but she’s raceless?
Keke: Okay, and she could just be anything, say she’s black.
Cecily: I’m sorry. Excuse me?
Keke: Say that little white girl is black.
Cecily: No. We’re not going to do that.
Bowen: Do you like this? Confusing us with your lies about Hello Kitty having sex and how big apples are?
Keke: Because we only recognize one big apple. New York. The best city in the world, and we’re not gonna let you ruin it.
Bowen: Who’s with us?
james: [holding a shovel] I am.
Punkie: [holding an axe] I am too.
Heidi: [wearing statue of liberty outfit] Because I am New York.
Devon: And I am New York.
Andrew: [wearing Spiderman costume] And if you mess with Hello Kitty, you mess with New York.
Michael: [walking in with Hello Kitty] Isn’t that right, Hello Kitty?
Natasha: Yeah. Just tell us the truth, lady.
Cecily: Natasha Leone. What do you want?
Natasha: This is New York. So say that Hello Kitty isn’t a little human girl. Say she’s a cat.
Cecily: Okay, fine. She’s a cat.
Bowen: Now, come on, everybody. I gotta sell tickets to see the Yankees on Broadway at Madison Square Garden.
All: New York!
Male voice: Hello Kitty is a human? Forget about it. Paid for by the city of New York.