Tag: Kong

Weekend Update Funky Kong on The Super Mario Bros Movie

Colin Jost

Funky Kong… Kenan Thompson.

[Starts with Colin Jost in his set]

Colin Jost: The new Mario Brothers movie is a huge hit and many fans were hoping for an appearance from one of the coolest characters in the Mario universe, Funky Kong. So here to talk about it is Funky Kong.

[Funky Kong slides in]

[cheers and applause]

Funky Kong: What’s up, Colin? What’s up, ladies? Yeah. Which one of y’all going home with Funky Kong?

Colin Jost: Okay, alright. How are you doing, Funky Kong?

Funky Kong: Man, I’ve been better. I thought I was gonna be out nobody’s moving they just made $500 million. 600. But this is how much you get to see of me.

Colin Jost: Wow, so you’re just in the background? What happened?

Funky Kong: Man, they cut me out. I guess Funky Kong is too real for them. They don’t want to hear what I got to say. And they sure as hell don’t want to watch me work. Bring it back.

[music palying]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Wow, I really am so sorry that you got cut.

Funky Kong: Funky don’t want to be what they want, Colin. Funky don’t throw no barrels. Funky Kong spends his day cruising in my car, dropping off packages of the sticky icky. And I spend my nights with a glass of banana rum and a bed full of toads.

Colin Jost: And now, are toads male or female?

Funky Kong: Funky don’t know, Funky don’t ask.

Colin Jost: It’s really is a shame that you’re not in the movie because your cousin Donkey Kong is a major character.

Funky Kong: Oh yeah, man. Donkey Kong is all up in it. But they ain’t even us Monkey Kong.

Colin Jost: Who’s Monkey Kong?

Funky Kong: He’s a donkey. Man, those Japanese people sure are interesting. Oh man, you know they kicked me off the set?

Colin Jost: What? Why?

Funky Kong: Because I was in my trailer drumming on booty cheeks like Bongo was in the minigame. I was in there like, booty cheeks, titty meat, booty cheeks, titty meat.

Colin Jost: Great. It’s really great. So you were originally in the movie?

Funky Kong: Absolutely. Man. I had a few choice scenes. I was incredible. I even have the whole script right here. Here. Come on. Read this here with me, Colin. I’ll show you what I’m talking about. You’ll be Mario and Luigi. I’m gonna be myself. Paste well.

Colin Jost: Sure. Great. All right, Luigi: We got to get to the castle, but the fastest way is Rainbow Road. Mario: Rainbow Road? We’ll fall off.

Funky Kong: Man, ain’t no bitches in here.

Colin Jost: I can’t believe that’s the original line.

Funky Kong: I told you man. I was dope. Go to page 36, man. The scene with me and Peach.

Colin Jost: Okay, yeah, you and Peach. Princess Peach: Funky Kong, they are holding our friends prisoner in Warrior stadium. Can you help?

Funky Kong: Girl, why don’t you open up that peach and let me see what’s inside?

Colin Jost: Honestly, I can see why they cut you out.

Funky Kong: Come on, Colin. People would have eaten that up, man. You ever had monkey meat?

Colin Jost: Monkey meat? No.

Funky Kong: That’s not what your mamma said last night. Bring it back.

[music playing]

[Funky Kong is dancing]

Colin Jost: Funky Kong, everyone. Funky Kong.

Weekend Update New M&Ms Hong Kong Hamsters

Colin Jost

Michael Che

[Starts with Colin Jost in his news set. There’s a picture of m&m’s logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: m&ms announced that they’ve redesigned their iconic m&m characters after people requested that the brown m&m not look like a teacher who has sex with their students.

[Cut to Michael Che. there’s a picture of Prince Andrew and his ex girlfriend at right top corner.]

Michael Che: In a new documentary, an ex girlfriend of Prince Andrew described Jeffrey Epstein and Julian Maxwell as Batman and Robin,. Come on, what does Batman and Robin have in common with a billionaire that grooms teenagers?

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Kyle Rittenhouse at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Wow. Gen Z icon Kyle Rittenhouse is petitioning the court for the return of his rifle so he can destroy it. I don’t know. Careful Kyle, trying to get your memorabilia back is how they finally got OJ.

[Picture changes to Bono]

New interview, Bono reveals that he never liked the name U2, adding “I also kind of hate Ireland.”

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of

Michael Che: Actor John Voight recently released a video claiming that Abraham Lincoln spirit was guiding Donald Trump. Hopefully not to a theater.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Wheel Of Fortune logo at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Longtime director of Wheel of Fortune has died at the age of 92. Said Wheel of Fortune viewers, “Wow. So Young.”

[Picture changes to the logo of the new show “Rings of Power”]

Amazon announced that their new “Lord of the Rings” TV series will be called “Rings of Power”, though I’m personally more excited for the spin off “Gollum in Paris”.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a map of Hong Kong and a rat at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Officials in Hong Kong announced that after some hamsters in a pet store tested positive for COVID. they had to kill more than Michael Che000 of the pets. Okay, but they didn’t have to do it in front of the class! [Picture changes to a group of children being shocked]

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of a guitar and a flag of Canada at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: A man in Canada stole an $8,000 guitar by hiding it in his pants. Police caught the man when he got an erection and it sounded like this. [rock guitar solo playing]

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a goldfish at right top corner.]

Michael Che: Scientists have trained a goldfish to drive a car. They believe it’s the first step to eventually training women.

[Cut to Colin Jost. There’s a picture of Dwayne The Rock Johnson at left top corner.]

Colin Jost: Dwayne Johnson said that a skull of a T-Rex seen behind him during a recent interview was a replica and not the real thing. Johnson also said it’s just a coincidence that his diet calls for 1000 pounds of dinosaur meat a day.

[Cut to Michael Che. There’s a picture of a news article that says “Oldest person in US dies at 115” at right top corner.]

Michael Che: The oldest living person in the United States died this week at the age of Colin JostColin Jost5. It’s a powerful reminder to always test your cocaine for fentanyl.