Shawn… Pete Davidson

Snowboarder… Mikey Day

Kate McKinnon

Krissy Knox Emma Stone

Walton P… Kenan Thompson

[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]

Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.

[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.] [The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]

Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.

Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.

Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.

[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]

Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?

Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.

Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.

Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.

[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?

Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?

[Cut to another poster of Walton P]

Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!

Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.

Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”

Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.

Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…

Snowboarder: The slopes…

Kate: The Battlefield.

Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.

Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.

Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.

Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.

Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.

Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.

Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.

Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.

Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.

Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?

Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.

Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.

Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.

Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…

Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?

Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.

Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.

Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.

Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.

Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.

Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah!

[Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]

Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.

[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]

Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!

Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.

Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro!

[alarm ringing]

Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.

Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.

Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.

[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”

Dorm Room Posters – SNL | Season 44 Episode 8

Pete Davidson

Percocet… Mikey Day

Black Puma… Kenan Thompson

Jaguar… Ego Nwodim

Krissy Knox… Emma Stone

Mad Dog Dugan… Beck Bennett

Brandy Knox… Emma Stone

[Starts with Pete stressing over his essay in his room. He has few posters on his wall.]

Pete: This is impossible. I can’t write a six page essay about the revolutionary war. But if I don’t pass this class, I’m going to get kicked out of the school. Wish history weren’t so boring.

[Percocet from one of his posters calls Pete out]

Percocet: Yo, wake up, homey.

Pete: What the— Wow, Percocet? How are you talking? You’re a poster.

Percocet: Yah, coz you dreaming brah. [Cut to Percocet] But you also tripping saying no one cares about history. Yo, you know my song, atomic ass. The part that’s like, “Baby, put the ass on me, drop it like a Nagasaki“, that’s a historical reference, brah.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Pete: Whoa, my favorite rapper, like, cares about history.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar talking from the poster]

Black Puma: So do your favorite superheroes.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Black Puma and Jaguar. You care about history too?

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Oh, yes. History is very important.

Black Puma: As I say in our blockbuster movie, to know the past is to see the future.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Are you guys saying that like history actually matters?

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox. Krissy Knox is talking from the poster]

Krissy Knox: Hell yeah.

Pete: Oh, Krissy Knox. You’re one of maxim magazines 50 hottest girls from rural areas. You like history as well?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan talking from the poster]

Mad Dog Dugan: And so does WME superstar Mad Dog Dugan. My whole story line for wrestle fest 17 came straight from the Iliad.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Wow, so history, like, influences wrestling.

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: Um-hmm. And music.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: And movies.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: And my long fat garden hose that I’m drinking from like a dumb, silly doggy.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Hey, Krissy, please. Less about your hose and more about history. This boy must pass his class.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Yeah, for real. When I read about the American Revolution, I get so bored. How am I supposed to write an essay I care nothing about?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: It’s all in how you look at it, brother. For instance, when my former tag team partner, Peter Party Hardy, betrayed me at super slam nine. That’s exactly what Benedict Arnold did to George Washington.

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Or when I bent down and picked up this wet, squeaky garden hose and drank from it with my dirty, thirsty mouth, that’s math.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Percocet: Yo, it’s not math. It’s history.

Krissy Knox: Right. And history is just yesterday’s tomorrow.

Pete: Isn’t that just today?

Krissy Knox: Oh, hell yeah.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Krissy, no more of this.

Jaguar: Brother, let me go over there, slap this foolish girl.

Black Puma: No, no, sister. That is not the way of the Puma. Krissy, do not lead his mind down the porno path. Do you have anything in mind that can help this boy pass his class?

[Cut to Krissy Knox]

Krissy Knox: Look at my dumb old belly button.

[Cut to Percocet, Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, I like it.

Percocet: Knock that noise off, yo.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Black Puma: Young man, just take that poster down. You will never learn with her around.

[Cut to Pete and Krissy Knox]

Pete: Yeah, you’re right. Sorry, Krissy, but I need to focus on this paper.

[Pete walks to Krissy Knox poster and tears it down. There’s another picture of a girl that looks just like her] [Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: What the hell? You have another poster of this Knox lady?

[Cut to Pete standing in front of that poster]

Pete: Oh no, that’s Brandy Knox. Krissy’s Twin sister. I don’t like her as much. [Pete takes his seat]  Anyway, we got to talk about this essay. Like what am I going to write about?

[Cut to Percocet]

Percocet: All right, so check it, yo. You got to find the reasons why American Revolution happened. You feel me? Yo, you heard my song, Bitch Na featuring Dj Fat Ass, right? It’s like the colonists with Britain. The war was them saying, “Bitch, nah, that ass ain’t worth it”.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Oh, I get it because Americans wanted to control their own destiny.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete. Brandy is dancing with a burger on one hand and beer on the other]

Brandy Knox: Hell yeah.

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Perfect. Anyway, that’s your thesis broheim.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: What’s a thesis?

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Thesis. This is my fat greasy burger. And this is my hugs, stupid beer. Thesis.

[Cut to Black Puma and Jaguar]

Jaguar: Shut up about your stupid burger and your beer. We are close.

Black Puma: Boy, listen to me. That thesis is your opening argument.

[Cut to Brandy and Pete]

Pete: Okay. That’s like one sentence. What’s the rest?

Brandy Knox: What’s more?

[Cut to Mad Dog Dugan]

Mad Dog Dugan: Oh, my god. The rest of the essay is proving your thesis. That’s the body.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Yeah, my body is going to feel nasty after I scarf that fat, mushy, stinky burger and wash it down with this frosty dumb ass beer.

[Cut to Percocet and Pete]

Percocet: Stop, y’all. This kid’s going to fail.

Pete: Not a chance. My days are getting ’F’s are in the past.

[Cut to everybody]

Percocet: Oh, in the past. Yo, I think you mean those days are history.

[Cut to Pete]

Pete: Well, thanks everyone, now I’m going to wake up and write an A+ history paper.

[Cut to Brandy]

Brandy Knox: Oh yeah!

[Cut to an essay graded F with “See me” written on it]