Shawn… Pete Davidson
Snowboarder… Mikey Day
Krissy Knox… Emma Stone
Walton P… Kenan Thompson[Starts with Shawn studying in his room.]
Shawn: Argh! I don’t know what X equals. I hate math. I should just drop out of school. [yawning] Drop out of school. Drop out of school.[Shawn sleeps and starts dreaming.] [The poster of a snowboarder behind him comes to life]
Snowboarder: Don’t give up, Shawn.
Shawn: Okay. My poster is talking to me. So I must be dreaming.
Snowboarder: Yeah. And you’re also dreaming if you think that you’re never gonna use math. I use it everyday when I’m snowboarding. Velocity, momentum, angle of the pipe. You think I can land a toe side triple mix sticky without math? No way, man! I calculate it every time.[Cut to another poster of Kate holding a gun]
Kate: What’s up math? Do you think you could play Battle Horizon 2 on your Xbox?
Shawn: Um, there’s not math in that game.
Kate: What do you think video games are made of? I’m just code. Ones and zeros. I’m made of math.
Shawn: Whoa, I never thought of it like that.[Cut to another poster of Krissy Knox holding a hotdog.]
Krissy Knox: [squeaky voice] Ooh, yeah. Do you like my fat shiny hot dog?
Shawn: Um, sure. Do you use math, Krissy Knox?[Cut to another poster of Walton P]
Walton P: Man! Everybody uses maths!
Shawn: Walton P, you’re a stand up comic. I mean, don’t even try to tell me you use math.
Walton P: Yo! A joke is all timing and numbers, baby. So, without math, I could never do jokes like this. Uh, uh, you ever get a text from your side piece then make sure you say, “Uh! Say huh to the what now?”
Shawn: Ha-ha-ha. That gets me every time.
Walton P: But dropping out of school is no joke. You need your education wherever life takes you. Whether it’s to the stage…
Snowboarder: The slopes…
Kate: The Battlefield.
Krissy Knox: Or the big, nasty hotdog.
Shawn: I get it guys, but I can’t do math. I’m stupid.
Snowboarder: Hey, bro. Don’t say that.
Kate: Only stupid thing here is that attitude.
Walton P: You just gotta apply yourself.
Krissy Knox: Look at my butt.
Walton P: Hey, hey, hey, Krissy, come on, help us out, girl. I mean, we’re trying to get this kid’s head on straight.
Shawn: Yeah. But algebra’s crazy, though. Solve for x? X is a freaking letter.
Kate: It’s a variable. X is what you don’t know.
Krissy Knox: Yeah. So if I eat this entire, fat, gross hotdog, and mustard plops all over my shirt, what is X equal?
Shawn: What? That’s not a math problem.
Krissy Knox: Ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah.
Shawn: Sorry guys, I think I’m just dumb.
Snowboarder: Hey, stop that. Come here, dude. Listen to me, you are not dumb. You can do math. Alright, watch. Alright, picture that you have five…
Krissy Knox: Huge, stupid hotdogs?
Snowboarder: Sure. Give hotdogs.
Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah.
Kate: Oh my god, this bitch.
Snowboarder: Now, picture that I had six more hotdogs than you.
Krissy Knox: Now, picture me eating every single one of those fifty, gross, stinky hotdogs.
Walton P: Hey. No more hotdogs stuff. I mean, if you gonna eat the hotdog then eat it but just stop talking about it.
Krissy Knox: Hell, yeah![Kate goes to Krissy Knox’s poster, snatched the hotdog from her hand and eats it.]
Kate: I ate it! I ate the fat hotdog. Hot dog’s over.[Kate leaves. Krissy Knox pulls out another hotdog.]
Krissy Knox: Oh, yeah!
Shawn: Wait, I think I get it. It’s 11. X equals 11 hotdogs.
Snowboarder: Hey, Shawn, guess what trick you just landed. Algebra, bro![alarm ringing]
Shawn: Yeah. Oh, that’s my alarm. Okay, I’m dreaming. Well, thanks for your help everyone.
Walton P: Hey, when you wake up, take that poster down. Just go on the internet for that stuff man. It’s way better.
Shawn: Nah. I think I’ll keep her up. She helped me learn math.
Krissy Knox: Hell yeah, I did.[Cut to Shawn’s test paper. He has drawn hotdogs all over her answer paper. Teacher has marked “F, see me.”